Au Pair? Start here.
Welcome Au Pairs!
It used to be that, if you’d have gotten to this blog and this page, it was probably because you or one of your friends knew one of my Au Pairs. Now, though, the blog has gotten popular enough that you au pairs are finding it on your own. Welcome!
Although this blog was really started for Host Moms and Dads, it has evolved. We’ve begun to include posts about topics raised by au pairs when these issues are relevant to host parents. And, we enjoy the participation of au pairs in the comments too. Please keep in mind, though, that this is mainly a resource for Host Parents. In contrast to you au pairs, who have country-based sites, Facebook groups, and MySpace pages, Host Parents have had, well, zilch. This blog is pretty much “the cluster meeting for Host Parents”.
We could also use some expert Au Pair input. I want to know what topics you wish Host Moms and Dads would think about. And, we’d like your opinions on a variety of AP-HM topics.
The point here is to figure out the ‘best practices’ of Host Moms & Dads so that we can have great relationships with our Au Pairs. This can benefit you, because if you can have a great relationship with your host parent(s) you can make your adventure as an au pair even better!
I think the best way for me and other Host Moms & Dads to learn how to be better at the whole business of having an Au Pair is for us to be able to see things not only from our perspective, but also from the perspective of Au Pairs.
And that’s where you come in. If I post a “Question to Au Pairs” post– add your comments! If I send out an email asking for advice, send me your opinion!
Please join in the comments on each of the posts… making sure to keep in mind the guidelines for commenting that are listed on the “First Visit?” page.
JUST BE SURE to protect your privacy, your Host Family’s privacy, your Counselor’s privacy, and your friends’ privacy by not revealing too many specific details.
Thanks for your comments– email me at Mom@AuPairMom.com.
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Ana and Rose,
I think you need to talk with your LCCs, because these are clearly not fair situations. I would emphasize that what you want is to be part of the family, and you are disappointed that the family sees you as ‘staff’ not as cultural exchange.
And if it continues, or you don’t think the hosts are able to provide what you want during this valuable year–you will not get it back, after all!–then do seek rematch. A bad ‘fit’ is a bad fit and will not get better on its own.
Lacie–I’m so sorry for you! I have seen many spoiled children, stateside and in the Bois de Boulogne… at this age, if the kids do it to their parents and you are SURE they are not just testing you, you are hosed.
Bail
I agree. Not only are they not “fair”….they are against the rules of au pair contract. 69 hours in a week is not allowed as stipulated in the dept of state regs. It sounds like that is more the norm than the exception.
Talk to your LCC’s and if they can’t or won’t help, go to your program director.
I can assure you that the situation is unlikely to improve on its own.
good luck.
I am an American aupairing in a non-english speaking european country… i look after a 12 mo and a 3 yr old… i am having a hard time with the 3 yr old, as they don’t speak english, and i don’t speak their language. i am currently in a language course, but i find that, while i am learning, the parents don’t seem to care to help me out by teaching me phrases to say, or helping translate what they have said. it’s very frustrating, and making it very hard to make a connection with the kid. i’ve only been here one month, and want to give it some more time, but i am terribly homesick and am constantly sad just thinking about my family and friends.
i’m not sure if i should stay or leave. i agreed to 12 months, but the thought of another 11 months here is so daunting i can hardly stand it.
I am in the exact same situation, an American au pair in a non-english speaking country. I am in charge of a three year old who does not speak english and is terribly spoiled by his parents. It is making me absolutely crazy and every morning I can’t stand the thought of being here another 11 months. I have been here a little over a month and it has gotten a little better but not much. On top of the language barrier, the family also has 2 one year old twins that are always sick and I work many many hours of overtime. I am sad and lonely, unsure of what to do! It’s comforting to think I am not the only one. What did you end up doing?
You can always contact an your agency and ask for a rematch. When you do that, you need to be very specific about what you are looking for and what you expect. Also, explain your language proficiency. I am also an American aupair working in Germany. I already could speak a good amount of German so that wasn’t a problem. I did need about 1.5 Months before I got along with the kids very well. I am glad I stuck it out because now we have a good relationship. Basically, try discussing this with your host parents and if there is no solution then contact your agency.
I need help because I don’t know what to do. I really love my girl and she loves me and enjoy taking care of the twins, the parents are good, but my problem are my host grand parents! They always complaint about how I am changing diapers, feed or hold the babies and I do it in front of the mom so I know I am not doing anything wrong, but is just annoying. I tell my HM but she told me they are old and I need to ignore them, but I just I can! I was planning to extend with they for another year, actually they (the HP) asked me to do it, but I don’t think I can resist 12 months of this! And if I want to change HF, I need to do it now because my year finish on Feb. I think I am a good Au Pair but also I am scare of not find another HF and need to comeback to my country. Any advice?
I know you’ve said you’ve tried, but with Grandparents you just have to ignore. It’s very normal for Grandparents to ‘dislike’ Au Pairs as they sometimes feel this extra person is taking away part of their role… which couldn’t be further from the truth. You just have to bite your tongue and learn to laugh it off… mentioning anything could cause a big rift and one you don’t need
x
Haha. It’s so funny! I have the same problem! My HP are so nice and polite and they respect me a lot. But the grandparents are a pain in the arse! If I’m in the kitchen, in my free time, they put dishes on the side with the mention ‘this is for washing’. Or they give me tasks around the house. Worse, when I change the nappies, the grandmother ‘gives me a hand’. Now, I know that they think I’m young and I have no idea about things, but even so…. as much as I try to respect their advices, I still can smell the arrogance they show in front of me. I’ve complained at my HP but they said the same : smile and ignore! They will soon be gone!
) And god, how i count the days while they’re here!
Anon, I`m an au pair as well in Germany…. I have been lucky because my guest parents have helped me a lot, but I think you need to go outside from the house and you will also learn with new friends and have a great time. TRy teaching the kid a bit of your language, perhaps through songs and mimics…. making funny faces and those things… it worked for me, but I know it is tough. And Winter is tough as well…. If you are in Germany as well…. let me know…
Mikim: where in Germany are you? I’m in Frankfurt.
hey their y’all!
I am American and planning on going to Norway in a year (I’ll have just turned 20 then) to become an Au Pair. Any suggestions or tips as to what I should expect?
Judging entirely from the southern slang “y’all” in your post, I’m going to suggest you go buy a warm jacket, some thick gloves, a knit hat, and some long underwear. Just saying =D (I’m in Denmark right now, and the two countries are very similar. I’m from the south and didn’t have enough warm clothes when I arrived here.)
Expect it to be cold and dark in the winter. I know that’s like duh, obvious, but you’d be surprised just how early it get’s dark (the sun is only out from 8:30am-4:30pm here right now, and you’ll be further north than me) it can get depressing, so be prepared for that. Also expect ridiculously high prices (high taxes) and a difficult, guttural language. You will likely not be able to reproduce some of the sounds in their language, particularly the ‘r’ sound. Unless your host kids are older than 9, they will probably not speak English, though the parents will and there will be American TV shows available in English. Many of the au pairs you meet will be Filipino, and its fully possible that you will not meet any Americans in Norway for months at a stretch. I’m not trying to talk you out, Norway’s a beautiful place and the people are so friendly (and that country pays one of the highest AP salaries,) but it is something to be ready for.
Tips: One of the best ways to bond with kids despite a language barrier is by doing physical activities. Play outside, chase them around, kick a ball around, paint, bake, sing karaoke. Even if they are shy, just keep pressing. It’ll happen.
Very good respons, Emma!
I agree with most of it, except for the language thing. Actually, Norwegian is easier to pronounce than Danish. It’s “cleaner” and more like Swedish. But yeah, it’s not too easy for Americans
Oh, and Brandie: be aware of the food differences, they’re not gonna have the food you’re use to.
My Au Pair year has almost come to an end and i am having major issues with letting go. I held my host daughter when she was less then 24 hours old. I feel like i know her better then her parents, i sing to her every day and read to her all the time, i know every noise and every cry. i know how to make her laugh and smile by doing the smallest things. I dont like the idea that she wont remember me, but most of all i dont like that i dont get to meet the new au pair who is going to take over from me, and my host parents, especially my host dad cant understand why. i dont think this is unreasonable for me to want to meet her, i mean in my heart she is my baby i would risk my life for her, and it scares me because i have spoken to au pairs who have hit their children and neglected them and i dont want that happening to my baby. I will be honest she is a very spoilt baby and she crys a lot and wants to be held all the time so its not going to be easy for the new au pair so im scared she will stress out and act in an undesirable way. let alone add the stress of her older brother.
i think host parents should consault more with their current au pair when selecting the new one, does that seem unreasonable to anyone??
While I can totally understand your feelings and connection to the baby, you will need to prepare yourself to move on with your life and know that someday (if you desire) you will have your own baby to bond with. If you have a good relationship with the HF, ask if you can keep in touch and perhaps get birthday photos as the child grows up. Or why not make a “care book” for the new AP with your tips and advice for what you’ve found works best with the baby, her habits, etc. Even if the baby doesn’t remember you, you know that your love and attention have nurtured her and helped her start her life in a very special way. You will always have your memories of this experience to treasure, and if you can make a scrapbook or memory album of your au pair year, you’ll be able to share this with your future family. Meanwhile, take a look at the latest post: “When your departing au pair sours your new au pair” and you’ll see some reasons why many host families don’t consult with their current ones to help select the new one.
We still have a great relationship with many of our former au-pairs. They come to visit fairly regularly, and are encouraged to do so (we will even buy some plane tickets- 1 a year.). They have a special place in our childrens’ hearts. Each one has her own place- all of them are different. It’s a lot like snowflakes that way.
au pair in Frankfurt, sorry for the delay , I was on a vacation trip. I’m really near you in Mainz…. how do we contact each other? would be glad to help
Hello. My name is Cassie and I’ve been an au pair for 19 months now. I firstly want to start out by saying that from my point of view, being an au pair is all about personal growth and experience. Some people become an AP under the understanding that all things will be rosy and great! (I know I did!!!)
Then upon arrival to their HF after a few days (weeks, months?) reality sets in as you get to know your new found family and friends. I’ve heard some real horror stories in my time here (in the US) but at the same time, i’ve heard some really good stories, AND got to experience the not-so great family, and the Excellent family. As an AP i’ve noticed that we like to compare our HF to our friends HF, this situation, to that situation – and that’s the biggest mistake we all make – assumably HM’s do it too! Each family is different, no one family will ever be the same and no one schedule or set of rules will be the same.
I had a family for my first year, that were – in hindsight – fairly mediocre, the kids loved me, the family were really nice, but – the stress of the house (ie discipline or lack thereof) and somewhat lack of freedom (rare use of the car on and off duty) and my HP’s forgetfullness (Forgetting my bday until 8pm at night) quickly made my decision of whether to extend or not, alot easier. Although I can’t complain – perks to that fam was that I didn’t have to do ANY laundry of the kids, nor did I have to properly clean my room as the housekeeper did that, but yes, i kept it tidy
Now I live with a family where I have lots of responsibility looking after 4 children, extremely caring host parents, my own private space of the house, use of the car etc etc.
I have seen both sides of the AP experience. I understand what its like to have the feeling of ‘oh i’ll just stick it out’. I’ve had the ‘bad’ and the good. And I just want to reassure any (potential) AP out there who is going thru a rough spot that there ARE families out there who aren’t crap, and that YES its okay to not do the HP’s laundry, you should not have to feel like you’ll get into trouble if you don’t. I have friends who have crappy situations, and I feel like the tables have turned now – I believe that I experienced a crappy situation with the support of great friends, so I could extend, and return that favour. Because now, I am that supportive friend who will come get you and go for a coffee, just because.
So a tip – if it’s too much for you to handle, rematch. If its not quite what you wanted, but bareable – seek out some good friends, ones who will be an ear to listen, without judgement, and offer a good hug and reminder that its not the be all and end all.
Above all; REMEMBER its all about the EXPERIENCE! There is one thing for sure, you will go home a changed person.
This is my first time visiting this website and I have to say that it has been both helpful and scary!
As an American wanting to be an au pair in western Europe, I feel like some of these situations apply and some don’t. I have kind of gathered that being an american who wants to au pair somewhere else and being a non-US citizen wanting to au pair here can be very different situations. Both for the au pair and for the host family.
I’m wanting to au pair because I think it provides the best balance of child care (I love kids and have been a nanny to many families) and traveling to see the world. Wherever I end up I’ll have to have freedoms and privileges like I’m a member of the family. Not having access to transportation, like I’ve read some of the host parents on here do, is just out of the question for me. I’m not sure why anyone would want to au pair in that situation!
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling, but my point is that I’ll be keeping up with this website as I plan out my own experience. I’ve started a blog about this journey of mine, which hopefully will have some helpful information in it about being an au pair in case any of you other potential APs want to check it out. http://adventuresofanaupair.blogspot.com/
Thanks for this informative website!
Cool blog, Megan. Thanks for sharing. It will be great to check on your topics when you start AP’ing to get the AP perspective.
On transportation, I don’t think you have nearly so much to worry about in Europe as the AP’s coming to the US. You should still ensure there are good public transportation options for each locale, but start focusing on the other things you want to acheive during your year and define your non-negotiables.
Good luck!
I read some of your blog and it is quite wonderful. I could not agree with you more about the portion on the approach of European families vs. American families to aupairing. After reading a lot on this website, I would NEVER work as an aupair in America. Not only do I think 45 hours is quite a lot (technically those extra 5 hours are overtime if one were to be payed hourly) and the pay is lacking, but the other benefits are also not so tip-top. I read on this site about the health insurance and how most parents would not pay for medical bills and their insurance does not seem to cover much and was quite astounded. The fact that transportation is limited(even though many families can’t help that) would definitely turn me off.
My family here is quite great even though it’s not always perfect. They guarantee the basics but sometimes add in little perks because, I’m assuming, we get along so well.
I wanted to add this just for general information for everybody. Please host parents, don’t get all upset. I understand many of you give much more than the basics and I wanted to post this for some info and perspective and not to be essentially screamed at and be simply told that I am wrong and don’t understand the responsibilities of being a mom.*
Ok, please correct me if I am wrong but as far as I have found these are the basics or what is required when one is an au pair in the States.
-Their own bedroom with a door
-family pays for $500 toward courses (which the au pair has to take, also I’m not sure how much courses run in the US)
-$195.75 per week stipend(remember the dollar is at the moment relatively weak)
-2 weeks paid vacation per year
-1.5 days off a week
-can be worked up to 45 hours per week
The typical situation in Europe:
-4 weeks payed vacation during the year
-260 Euros monthly stipend
-family pays for a monthly pass for the local transportion (it must cover the cost to and from a language course)
-family covers health, accident, and liability insurance (there is no such thing as a “copay” and everything except preventative medicine (birth control, basic physicals) is payed for)
-One day off during the week
-Here there are very very cheap courses that one can take
*On a side note, every time I have tried to give any constructive advice to any of the topics on this site from an au pair’s perspective, I receive angry, to put it plainly, “You’re just wrong” type of statements without very logical explanations. Unfortunately the feeling I have gotten since I have contributed to/been reading this website is that its a constant fight against the au pairs because we are just the young inexperienced girls who don’t understand much. I feel that there is no point in me contributing when I am so frequently met with such negativity. I am honestly not surprised that many mother have complained about their au pair not being to talk to them about issues they are having. With that, I wish you all the best of luck!
USHF.. how much do you have to pay for an AP…..
1. Agency fee $ 7,700.00
2. Application fee $ 350.00
3. Stipen – $ 9,800.00
4. Room & Board – $ 6000.00 (about the cost to rent a room in US per month)
5. Education $ 500.00
6. Vacation $ 392.00
subtotal : $24,742.00
7. Cell phone $ 200.00
8. Car Insurance $ 1,200.00
Total : $ 26,142 (about $ 2,178.85 per month after tax)
Honestly, HF paid a lot for AP. For any 19-26 years old AP, good luck with finding a job with a annual salary about $ 31,121.00 before tax and a car to drive without making car payments???? We paid AP to do a job. We are not around to take care for another child. Be logical and read the facts.
I definitely question the whole role of the agencies in the AP/HF situation (in the States, where it’s mandatory). Why?? I think it’s nice to have the option of an agency, but I really don’t understand why that’s the only way to host an AP.
Look at how much they take, according to Anonymous^: $8050. That’s $1750 dollars less than the AP’s ‘stipend.’ To be honest, I really have no idea, so I’m probably missing something, but I’m really curious as to where all that money goes…?
Salaries of office staff & LCCs, au pair school costs, recruitment, advertising, and a ton of general overhead. Cha-ching.
Yeah, so do we. I know it pays for the AP flight to and from the US, but beyond that, it’s the overhead. You can’t be an AP without going through an agency in the US, because they are regulated by the State Department. It’s a huge financial commitment, but quite frankly in my opinion – it’s worth it. APs are far more reliable and loving than the other options we have explored – and all of our APs have fallen in love with The Camel as much as we have fallen in love with her. However, when our kids were babies, every extra penny we made went toward the AP stipend and fees – HD and I had a lot of “date nights” at home with a cheap bottle of wine and a nice homemade meal after we put the kids to bed. (We were fortunate that my parents gave us — and our APs – tickets to visit them and to travel with them to nice places from time to time.)
I’m sorry, but having one extra person in your household does not cost you that much extra, especially if you buy food in bulk. I am a live-in nanny, and I know that my being here does not cost my employers that much extra. I asked her, and she said they barely saw that much of a difference bc she does all of her shopping at Cosco anyways, and it’s not like I leave all the lights on and water running 24/7.
Yes, the $6k room & board is a bit of a stretch if you are calculating costs to the HF of hosting an AP. If you are looking at it from the perspective of what someone would pay for a year of room and board there is probably a large swing on how much that would cost depending on lots of factors, but $6k is likely on the cheaper side. I think that’s the tact anonymous above was taking. While $6k is high for the cost to the HF if you just consider r&b, we take our AP out to dinner with us whenever we go, bring her on vacations, include her in family holidays (buy her gifts and fill a stocking for her like she is our daughter), and the list of costs posted by anonymous did not account for that, so the total posted is not wildly far off (in my opinion). That said, I do think it is worth it if there is a good match with a good HF/AP relationship.
Hi, I am an au pair in Europe, and au pairing is stressing me out! My host mum is usually nice, but she never praises me for what I have done right or good, she only critiscises me, for the little things I have done wrong, and makes it sound like its caused such a big problem…when it’s hasn’t!! I am really trying my best, but it can get so tiering when nothing you seem to do is right. I have only been with that family for one month ..so isn’t it only expected that I am going to make some mistakes as I am learning! All I would like is a thankyou once in a while..is that too much to ask?? I would like to know what other host moms think, and also if any other aupairs are in the same situation?
Sounds like my former family. In the end things just became too much (they were ignoring me unless they were criticising me) and I left. Where in Europe are you?
see that’s the thing, they don’t ignore me, they treat me as a member of the family, but its just that everyday I just seem to do something wrong!! I am in Denmark.
It’s hard to comment since your HM’s personality and cultural communication is in play. Scandinavians (very generally) aren’t as expressive as other cultures. At least your HM is giving you correction during your training time; she may intend it to be constructive though it feels critical to you. It may seem like she is making a “big deal” of little things but her intention may be to explain “why.” Don’t undersestimate the “thank yous” you receive!
It may also help to talk to your HM. My family is swedish (I’m 2nd generation American) and I can certainly relate having had many friends call me a “stoic swede”. Perhaps you could start the conversation by saying that you appreciate her helping you learn your job and correcting things that you still need improvement on, it would also help you be a better au pair to occasionally hear about the things you are doing right. It could simply be that the act of saying thank you or good job is something that is difficult for her to do, or it could also be that she feels she is showing you that she feels you are doing a good job by treating you as a part of the family.
I was living with Norwegians and kind of experienced the same thing. The family was nice….but the mom could be cold. She would nitpick about the weirdest things (the sandwich I was making for her daughter’s lunch, how I was cutting vegetables, how I made the oatmeal for the kids in the morning), and never seemed to appreciate anything that I did correctly. They treated me as a part of the family as far as inviting me to go places with the family (i.e. hiking a couple times, to the daughter’s ballet recital, and shopping once or twice with all the kids), eating dinner with them, etc, but they never showed any real interest in getting to know me. I think the host dad asked me what my dad did for a living 2 or 3 months into me living with them, and neither parent ever took me out anywhere without the kids, except to the grocery store a couple times. I ended up leaving early. The cultural differences between Americans and Scandinavians are subtle, but they do exist!…or maybe it was just them?
Hey everyone! I’m french nice girl, soon to turn 19, and i am looking for an aupair job for the summer. Does anyone have an idea? I’ve been searching for days, and i’m still waitting for answers. If anyone knows a family which needs an au pair for the summer, please tell me and use my email adress : valeriane.thool@gmail.com
Thanks a lot for helping me
Bye
Have a good day
Hiya, so I am not sure what to do. I am really not enjoying myself in the family I am in. The first month was okay, the family were nice and treated me well. However, in the last month or so, the mum of the family has become very cold towards me. She never talks to me about anything personal- how I am doing, how was my day etc. I am always the one who tries to start a conversation. Even if I do so her replies are always short and uninterested. Lately she the only things she talks to be about are what my tasks are and to criticise me for something I have done. Her attitude towards me, is making me feel very uncomfortable and awkward when I am around her, and I definetely don’t feel like part of the family, when I am basically ignored. She has also raised her voice and shouted at me, on more than one occasion now, which I do not think is an appropriate way to treat a person. I am very unsure of what to do, I have been here for 3 months already, and another 3 months here seems unbearable, should I try to make it work with her, or should I just leave? I hope I can get some advice, because I am really sad and dissapointed with this whole situation.
I was in the same situation. I left. Trust me, just rematch – it’s not going to get better. I stuck it out, it got progressively worse and it ended up with me walking out.
That certainly sounds like an uncomfortable situation for you. Have you tried to have an honest talk with your host mom? You mentioned that she was treating you well in the beginning, so maybe something has changed? It could be that she is dealing with something in her personal life. Not that that is an excuse for treating you poorly, but at least then you’d have a better understanding. Rematch is of course an option, particularly because it’s early on in your year and you shouldn’t be unhappy for 9 more months. However, I think you owe it to both yourself and host family to try to talk about it your concerns first.
Hi– I’m replying as a HM, because I feel you could probably be my AP at some points in time. It’s not right, but (at least in my position), it’s probably not personal. If it was okay for a while, I would encourage you to try to talk to her. There might be other stuff going on that’s overflowing. I have to say, even though it’s not right, there have been points in time where I really struggled with my APs, even though they were wonderful. Between work, and struggles with my husband, and just generally stressful times, then coming home and still not having a “safe” space to decompress… it’s really hard sometimes. If you are your host family’s first AP, I would especially encourage a talk– just as it’s hard for the AP to adjust to a new place, it’s hard for HMs to adjust too; the guilt of being a working mom, not being around the home & children as much as the AP is, feeling a loss of control/responsibility/impact at home, business with work… And I have to admit, one current problem I have with my AP situation is that my husband doesn’t like our AP and is very mean about her, and doesn’t want her to join our family activities. That’s difficult for me!
So, no, it’s not right, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad. Your host mom should be the adult and step up, and she might be feeling bad that she’s struggling with doing that (I’m guilty of both, which made it worse for me). Try talking to her, and if it doesn’t get better, then consider a 3-pt meeting with the LCC, and then rematch.
And if you want maybe you can talk to one of my APs that suffered through this with me :/
AnonHM –
Thanks for that comment. You captured so much of what I’ve felt at times too — even with APs you just love, it can all get overwhelming. And when there is another adult in the house it can feel like there is nowhere to hide.
Generally, I agree that at least having a conversation first is key. Everyone’s a grouch sometimes.
But here, I don’t know. You say this has been going on a while. Moreover, your HM should never be yelling at you, I don’t care what is going on their life. That’s just not how you speak to someone. If an AP actually yelled at me, I don’t think I’d just accept that maybe she was stressed, or depressed, or what have you. I think I’d let her go on grounds that her emotions and self-control were out of control. Therefore, she’s a danger. And I don’t mean if she was short with me or rude or even seemed exasperated to the point that maybe she did raise her voice a bit — I mean YELLING just so we are clear.
This is a tough situation and I relate. When I first came to my current HF, I adored my HM- she took me around the neighborhood, gave me lots of days off, and even bought me a ticket for a knitting convention because she knows I love knitting.
But lately (past month or so) she’s been very cold, and very short, and about a week ago, she took me to task about how I wasn’t helping out around the house enough. I didn’t even realize! My feelings were a little hurt, even though she was right, and I sort of closed off to her as well, and this past week, I felt like we were just in a pot about to burst, when she came home one day with a little pocket knife as a present for me (I had been admiring hers). I stopped going on the internet so much at night and instead stayed up to chat with her. She offered to help me with my university application and now I feel like we’re back at the beginning with a great relationship!
If you feel like it’s beyond fixing (and you will know, just trust your gut) then leave. Why make yourself (and likely her) miserable? I rematched after 6 weeks with one family, and I’m so glad I did, even though I obviously still had some issues with my new one. Trust your gut, darling.
Hello!
First of all thanks for such an amazing blog, I feel so good of having found this googling about au pairs.
I will be leaving to Norway in August to a family I contacted through Au Pair World. Here in my country au pair agencies are just focused to the United States, even though I like America a lot, Scandinavia has always been a place I have been interested in.
The family I’m going to is multicultural, European and Latino. Which I find nice because my family is multicultural too.
However, the host mom is very young, 28 and I am 24. I would expect her to communicate more with me, she has called me a couple of times, we communicate through Email, but I feel she has not given me enough details, I have seen just few pics of the kids and she just seems to be interested in when I arrive.
I have done all the paperwork, but I have been a little bit worried that communication in general wont be good. So I have written an email to her asking about family environment and such.
She replies every now and then, I don’t know what to expect.
Some people have even been scaring me telling me that some people hire au pairs and then it is a trap to get the au pair into other things.
This naturally is making me worried, I have done my research and all the information have seemed to match, they have even sent me copies of their passports for the paperwork. Am I just being paranoid?
Any good advice?
I am from Norway, and it really is a lovely country, you should have a pretty easy time getting to know local girls your age, and everyone speaks English, so those things are pretty easy to handle.
I know there have been some controversy in Norway earlier about host families who hire au pairs, but make them work too long weeks, and have them do much more housework than they should. Of course, this is not true for all families, but there are always someone breaking the rules and making everyone sound bad..
I do think that most Norwegian families come off as a little cooler than for instance American families, and that there may be more of an employer/employee-relationship than a family member, but once again, that is of course different from family to family.
I think you should email the host mom asking more questions about the things you would like to know more about, and ask open questions so she has to answer with more than “yes” or “no”. Say that you would love to see some more pictures of the family/house/area, as it will help you prepare for coming there.
And if all else fails, there’s always people to turn to to get help in Norway, so as long as you can speak up for yourself, you shouldn’t worry about being taken advantage of:)
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy the country and your au pair year:)
here is an interesting interview for all
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAyNR0Ybkh4
I watched this video. Although I believed that these young women were really aupairs and not faking, I do not think that they are the best representives for their particular programs.
I also think it would be interesting to hear their host moms side of the story. What I did find more compelling was the AuPair in distress video. I think, with small effort, a very serious documentary could be made about the life of an aupair ( good and bad ).
Thats true couldnt agree more. Was just supplying something from an au pairs perspective as requested lots of times above.
okay so here is my experience as an au pair
when i wanted a visa which was suggested by my agency with my rights was isolated by family
3 yr old boy screamed at me in the face and parents laughed
boy stabbed me with a fork and parents did nothing
boy slammed doors in my face and when i told him it wasnt okay parents thought it was my fault
host parents strongly suggested me to go on a holiday for christmas making me feel like they didnt want me around
left for holiday at christmas with money in advance when i got back i was fired without any notice before my holiday so I hadnt really saved money for when i got back and then my agency arranged me a place to stay with a lady who made me clean her 4 story house and came home and criticised everything i did without recieving any pocket money. I stayed with her for 5 weeks. then when i realised cuz i only had 4 months left the agency wasnt going to find me a new family I decided to go home. This lady screamed at me on my last morning after an exciting call from my family who were excited to see me soon for not ironing her sheets or vaccuming her stairs and basically said I was a bad person. So I caught the train alone to the airport and went home
life is good now that i am not an au pair anymore
I just really wish I could have been told about the problems instead of having them all dumped on me during the christmas holidays which I was really looking forward to spending with my host family and friends happily.
Im sure the family and I just didnt click
but HF if you have a problem your au pair SPEAK UP
we are not mind readers
It sounds like you had a miserable experience, and a LOT of things that should not have happened. Hopefully here in the US, there are enough checks and safeguards to prevent this sort of situation.
Also, I’ll point out that the vast majority of the Host families on this board are here to try to figure out how to do this better- interview better, be a better employer, recognize our own shortcomings, etc.
I know. I have to say when i first saw this site I was abit unsure. But I think its great for both host families and au pairs to get ideas out there and that lots of host families genuinely care about there au pairs. I wont ever be one again though just going travelling with a normal job next time aha
just got a job interview for the snow:)
I know this is out of context seeing as its not being an au pair but was wondering if anyone has worked at a snow resort and how they liked it?
Katie, Oh i know how you feel. I au paired in 2002 and i had a blast ,i went home and 7 yrs later i’m au pairing again and what i taught i was gonna have a blast ,9 months down the line i was proved wrong. They a new host family and wanted a experienced au pair so that’s one of the reasons we matched but instead of me guiding them and giving them a good experience i get told by them i’m not doing what i surpposed to be doing anyway that’s a long story which i explained already on this site a few weeks ago ,i just wanted to tell you what happened to me yesterday ,their 4 yrs old girl bites me in the face for what reasons i have no freaken idea ,and as i was putting her in time out her father comes downstairs which he heard why i was putting her into time out and what does he say to her ” i told you not to bite” and end of story so need i say more?
Well if your not happy with your host family I would say get out of there and get a rematch. I know it might be hard telling your host parents that. But just explain that your not happy there and you’ve tried to be for a long time. Trust me its better in the long run as it will only make things worse if you just continue staying there unhappy its not good for you or the host family. However TALK to them first. I told my host parents about my concerns even though we werent getting along. Which subject is that of your previous post??
Hey all au pairs/ host moms looking for an au pair perspective site here is a message board I just found http://messageboard.nannyjob.co.uk/index.php?board=1.0
What do you think about my current situation???
I ask her: – Why don’t you get your new au pair from Spain? Wouldn’t you do that?, any way its nearer and you could save a lot on paperwork, visas and that stuff.
She answers: – Well the thing is that we thought that if we invited someone from Europe, she could leave when she felt sad, or tired , or homesick. Whereas someone from South America…. (well she didn’t end up the idea, but it could mean couldn’t afford to buy the ticket …after all they bought it for me….) but I took it all so naively… as a good sign that they were nice persons.
When I heard this comment my first reaction was : I take a plane right now home. But then I began to think: my goal here is to learn German… if I leave now, I would have to go through a lot of paper work to be able to come back and learn German. Then I thought about it… how she said that to my face and I thought well at least it’s honest. Then I discussed it with people and someone said: well you have to view it as a matter of strategy.
Now I’m in this situation.
You HM may not have meant to insult you; give her the benefit of the doubt before manipulating strategies. Consider there are more “barriers” to departing across the ocean than just money. For one thing, an AP who commits to go overseas (from South America) for a year may be more committed to learning the culture and language of the host country than an AP who can travel to the host country more easily. Every AP will feel sad, tired or homesick, but the ones who are doing the job with a goal in mind (like you) will work through those difficult times to reach their goal.
Sometimes honesty is not so kind. It sounds to me like that answer was just cruel. I don’t think she planned to be unkind- she just spoke the truth. That doesn’t mean you have to let it hurt you. Just dismiss it as ignorant. I suspect alot of host parents think that way. They think they are just being practical. I once had a starter level job on Wall Street right out of college and I was not a good statistical typist but I was a great sales person. When I got an offer to move up in the company, I heard my first boss say ” I not going to hire anymore college graduates – those girls think they are too good to run errands for me “. It was not nice but what can I say…
I am aware this is a little off base. But does anyone know how you apply for working in a cultural exchange program? I am really interested in helping young people who want to travel abroad as my experience abroad has made me inspired for those to have a good time and get support. I tried looking through google of how one would be employed by an agency or other exchange program and havent really found anything.
Hi there!
I’m an au pair in Germany (from the US) and have been having several problems with my family. I’ve been here for about nine months, and am supposed to fulfill a 13-month contract (until September). I have been trying to communicate with my hostparents that I want to leave, but they have been ignoring the issue and me. The issue I have now is that my boyfriend is coming to visit me for three weeks and I think it would be so rude to say “when he leaves, I’m leaving” … but I don’t see how to work this out. Throughout my stay here I haven’t been treated with respect by the parents or the two older children. Most of the time I take care of their baby (now 10 months) and I love her. She’s the reason I’m still here – but I know I have to leave her eventually anyway. The father works from home and is extremely controlling and hypocritical about many things. The moment the baby cries he will run into the room and ask what I did to her, but often times during my lunch break he’ll leave her crying for half an hour in her playpen while he’s working. I work many more hours than I’m supposed to, and only just secured a free day, and the schedule I created is often ignored (I’ve missed my yoga class for the past three weeks because no one came home to take the baby – no call, no note, just a no-show). The kids have hit and bitten me, for which I took away toys or TV time, and the parents ignored the punishment and let them have what they wanted.
I’m looking for a respectful way to say I need to leave, and the right time to say it, because thus far my approach hasn’t worked. The hostfather told me that they wouldn’t look for an au pair earlier, but I know they can’t be without one. I went to Brussels for three days and they insisted upon having someone else here for that weekend. I feel like somehow I have let them down, or maybe it’s more I let myself down. Any advice?
Zoe
ha by the sounds of things I’d just tell them your not happy with the situation and youve been trying for a long time. Just simply tell them that you dont think its working. When both the host mother and host father are home or during dinner tell them that you need to have a talk and explain to them that your not happy and would like to go home when your boy friend leaves. Do you have an agency? if so speak to them!!
I wouldnt feel guilty about your host family not finding another au pair im sure they will and by the sounds of things they have been very respectful towards you or taken your feelings much into consideration.
Well, first I wonder:
will your boyfriend be staying with you, as in in the HF’s house while he visits?
Knowing them, and having the complaints that you do, how do you HONESTLY think they will handle hearing you’re leaving?
Example- I gave my 1st HF one night’s notice that I was leaving (te dad was also a sah). Was this completely unprofessional? You bet. But I was verrrry scared of my HM’s reaction and I knew she wouldve made my life h*ll if I gave her 2 weeks notice before leaving.
So my advice? If you think they’ll handle it ok, give them 2 weeks notice (but maybe your bf should stay in a hotel). If you think they’ll be irrational, give ‘em a day and run.
*they havent been very
Zoe: I totally understand you and I think you should leave. I understand the letting down feeling, because I have it as well. But I have stayed because the hostfather is really really nice. The mother on the other hand, not so (she works at home as well and I know the things you’re talking about) . Thewy have not been respectful to you in many things and I complain about much less! I think we only have one life… and we should enjoy it. Why be bitter for another 4 months? My Host family wanted me to stay until September as well, but I already told them I will stay until july… no more, because I can’t bear it.
Hi! I’ll be an au pair in the USA very soon and I think I found the best family ever. They are like my perfect match. I’m pretty excited that I will meet them, but lately I have thought about gifts I could bring them from my home country and I’m not sure what will be the most appropriate (kids are 10 and 12 years old). I thought about some book about my city for parents (in English) + nice box of chocolate and typical sweets from my country (for children). What do you think? I’d be very grateful for any kind of advice.
Instead of sweets (not all parents like their kids to have candy) you might want to get them a game that kids in your country like that they could play together and with you. My current AP who is Czech, brought DDs (2 & 5) a matching game and a card game. She is here to explain the rules and they love to play with her. For younger kids, a small stuffed animal or children’s story (especially if its in both your language and english- we have a Russian Winnie the Pooh that has both texts) are also great.
Or you could email the new HPs and ask if sweets from your country would be ok. As a HP I would be fine with that, because I know the kids will have an immediate positive response to someone who brings them sweets, and I want to start things off on the right foot. Clearly there will be time for the kids (and AP) to understand that sweets are special-occasion items.
My children have received books from other countries and chocolates- which is why we have all become addicted to german and swedish chocolates! yummy!!! That was a big hit! I think it would be fine to bring some sweets as those children are older. Good luck in your au pair year!
I think these are all great ideas. Another thing you might want to do it bring pictures from home (you would do that anyway), and show them to your host family your first night. My daughter, my husband, and I really enjoyed getting to know our AP by seeing pictures of her family and her old home.
Music is also fun to share. Bring CDs or download music from your home to an iPod. My little girl loved hearing American music, and it really helped her with her English.
10 and 12 year old girls are “tweens” here, most likely. They have one foot in the world of little girls (and would love a small doll or toy from your country) as well as one foot in the world of teenagers (and would love any “pop” item that is popular). A big hit with my older daughter was rose perfume inside a doll. Also a cool hat or cartoon character on a backpack.
Depends a lot on what you know already about these two kids. Think about their interests and get something along those lines. If a boy, do they like sports? Then a shirt from your local sport team would be cool. If music, maybe your favorite band, etc.
have fun!!!
Thank you so much! Those are really great ideas! You helped me a lot. Once again – thank you!
Hi host moms, i am Jessette Chaib, im mexican and i am 19 years old, i LOVE children and right now i am applying in the program aupair in america, i would love to have a family soon and i am still waiting, if you could tell me what do you expect about an aupair, i would love to and also if you know about a family that’s interested i am very good at what i do and i am very responsible and commited to my works, i know that i am going to work and i would appreciate if someone , host family, could send me an email if you are intersted.
This blog is awesome, i loved what everyone is saying and i am very happy to go to USA, i want a host family!=)… Thankyou, i know someone would send me an email.
Where can I find a host family?
Hello everyone! I am an au pair from South Africa looking to work as an Au Pair in America.
I have registered with various Au Pair matching sites on the internet with little luck finding a family. I am 25 years old, speak perfect English, I have been driving for years and have years and years of experience. I want to know what sites and I can try because at the moment I find it difficult to even get a match on the site.
I want to know if any other au pairs have the same problem!??
Take Care.
D
Have you registered with an actual agency? Like Cultural Care? Or Aupair in America?
Hey Dee,
African Ambassadors ( Au Pair in America), Contact Jane 011 726 1738 – JHB branch or Head Office is 021 689 2511 – CPT . Or email info@africanambassadors.co.za. This is the proper and legal one and i’m with them.Good luck
I am registerd with an agency. I am just looking for more family options.
Dee, can I ask what agency you are with and what arrival date you are looking for?
– Sota Gal (Stacy)
Are you on Great Au Pair – Deidre? I think I saw your profile. You were my next contact for an interview had we not already made a selection. If you are the same person I am thinking of, keep trying because I thought your profile looked great. I’m sure you will find a family soon.
Hi, Deidre
I, too, think I have seen your profile on GreatAuPair…if so, it shows specifically that you wish to AuPair in Ireland (Dublin), so that could be what’s limiting your exposure to families in America, don’t you think? Or maybe there is more than one 25 yo South African on there and I didn’t search far enough down the list? Good luck!
okey, I need help.
I came as a aupair to germany 1 month ago. I was supposed to be here till December but now my mom gotten very sick. I really want to go home to her but i’m afraid to tell the host mom that and how i should tell her. I’m always postpone it and i’m affraid that after i tell her that, our relationship would be bad untill i go. I don’t know maybe it just me, maybe i shouldn’t go back home? .. dont know
Hello… first of all sorry about your mother.
you need to tell your host mum straight away however, she needs to know as it involves the care of her children. Even if she is a tiny bit dissapointed anybody with a heart would be considerate to the fact that your mother is sick, you can then talk together about how to resolve it.
Don’t leave it too lond, if you do the relationship will be damaged for good. x
I agree, talk it over with your host mom as soon as possible. While I, like Dorsi, would never have expected my daughter to return home while I underwent chemo and radiation for breast cancer, other families might feel differently. If you are worried about your mother, you won’t be able to focus on giving the children you care for your best, and that’s not fair to anyone. Yes, your relationship will naturally change after you tell your host mom (there are many other postings related to departure on this website), but several weeks is at least courteous and gives everyone the opportunity to deal with the goodbyes, arrangements, and providing of alternate childcare. Good luck, and I hope your mother has a speedy recovery.
“Sick enough to go home” is a cultural definition. I did not quit my job and move back with my mom when she had chemotherapy for breast cancer and was unable to work. She would have never expected that. Do YOU want to go home? Does your mother want you to go home? Is there actual need for you to be there? Or is this a flare of a chronic problem and is it really about your mother missing you/your own homesickness?
I think you should approach your host mother as soon as possible and let her know what is going on at home. Before you do that, however, you need to figure out what you want to do, and under what timeline. It is incredibly disrespectful to give your host family less than 2 weeks to prepare new childcare, and that would only be appropriate if there was a life threatening illness at home. If you can give 4-6 weeks, I am sure they would appreciate it. Know what you can do before you discuss.
Dorsi, obviously if she is worried enough about how to tell her HF she needs to go home, her mother must truly be sick enough to warrant it. And I am sure she also knows that she is causing them stress regarding childcare. I think your comment about “2 weeks is disrespectful” to be in poor taste. She came here asking for advice in what must be a very difficult situation, not to be made to feel guilty. While we love our aupair and consider her part of our family, if something were to happen to her family back home, I would understand and want her to go. The only productive part of your post was asking her to figure out a timeline. To the poster of the question, the sooner you tell you HF, the better. They need to find another option for childcare, and to prepare the kids for your departure. Only you know your family, and please do not allow other people to question your motives for needing to leave. Good luck.
I surprised you find the comment in poor taste. A lot of young people do not understand the importance of giving notice (aside from my own personal anecdotes I could offer, there are many stories on this website of APs leaving with no notice.) So, I don’t think it unreasonable to imply that AP92 might not understand this. She has been here for 6 months (I assume, since her year is up in Dec.) It would be a shame for her to misunderstand her obligations to her HF and ruin the relationship she has formed and taint the memories she has of her time here. Again, this is different if her family-member is in a truly life-threatening situation, but only if.
Also, we have very few details about the situation. I think that you are jumping to conclusions to say that her mother is “truly sick enough to warrant it” especially when AP92 says that her mother doesn’t want her to come home “just for this.” It may be reasonable for her to want to go home. There is no way for me to know that. Whether it is reasonable depends on the nature of the illness, the relationship between the AP and her (real) mom, as well as cultural beliefs/expectations. I feel that the AP needs to think those issues through before she approaches her HM.
thank you all (:
I’m going to sit down with her tomorrow and tell her. My mom don’t want me to come home if it is only becouse of her but i can’t be here. I’m always thinking about how she is, her doctor said that she sould spend as much time with her family and freinds they are not possitive about the future so.. of course i’ll stay here untill the family find another aupair, I couldn’t just go ..
I’ve been with my family for just under a month and I’m still finding it very hard to bond with them.. I would consider myself to have sufficent knowledge of the language (French) but low confidence means i find it hard to make conversation.
Also, I am having a hard time making a connection with the 12 year old boy and i was wondering if anyone had any advice for this? Ideas for things to do/bond over?
Thanks
Hey SOH,
when I read about the boy, I immediately thought “Football” …it’s worldcup-time and I’m pretty sure that your 12 year old likes football, and if you don’t find it super boring, you could watch France’s matches together, rooting for them or even go out and have a small match, just the two of you and if you can’t play football, let him teach you bits.
If he doesn’t like football, maybe cars, maybe an other sport, how about just asking him about his hobby, so he’ll do all the talking at first, you’ll loosen up and find new things to talk about…at first, ask him stuff, let him talk about himself until you feel at ease enough to talk about you.
He will most likely feel regarded and he will most certainly enjoy the attention and you will get to know him and bond.
One on one experiences always help the bonding, too, he could make out a scavenger hunt through your new home or take you to a tour, you could go to the park and fly a kitek, stuff like that where it’s just you and him.
And with the parents…try to tell them that you’re shy and that you need a little time to warm up to them and then I’d suggest that you take a week or so and at one point, when you talk to them do the following:
On the first day you ask them a question (about their day, about their life, about the kids, or just ‘how are you today?’) and tell them something about yourself (what you did with the kids, what you find great about where you living or simply how you’ve been feeling during the day).
On the second day you ask them two things, and tell them two things about yourself.
On the third you ask three questions and tell them three things and so on and so forth,
I know this might sound analytical and a little weird but it will help you get used to the concept of sharing your views and thoughts with your HF and that is essential, especially for someone who has low self-confidence because it will draw you closer to them as it goes both ways.
They answer your questions, share about themselves and then you can share stuff about you, because psychologically, they’ve proven themselves worthy for an answer, giving you one to begin with. Does this make sense?
But mind you, I would take it slow with the questions, normal small-talk-ones at the beginninga and once you’ve built like a firm first layer of trust you can get a little more private (of course only if you feel like they are willing to talk about that kind of stuff, if not, keep it shallow but keep in contact).
It will always take some time until you’ve completely warmed up to each other and it always helps to create a sense of community, a we-feel to it, for example at a playdate with another family where you play scharade or something on the lines of that and play as a team, the HF and you, that, I would think, would help fasten the process if you’re uncomfortable with the slight alienation at the beginning.
I hope you found this rant a little helpful and I didn’t just tell you stuff you already know, I hope you will get along great with your HF and enjoy your year in France!!
HELP
I came as an au pair to Germany through an agency which made the contract. At first everything went fine, but then things started to go wrong. I was supposed to have holidays free, which I don’t have and the family was supposed to pay for my language course ( I was counting on that for my travel budget), furthermore I should work five hours a day from which 1 should be spent on housework and the remaining 4 with the children, but it is exactly the opposite. I reccured to the agency, but the owner just told me you talk to your guest family about the issues included in the contract and about the holidays, Ohh I know I promised you that but forgot to include that in the contract. I am very unhappy in this situation, but most of all I would like to warn or prevent other girls from falling in the same trap. Does anybody know what I can do? To which organization can I turn to? I havbe tried tyo look for an institution in Germany, but I have found nothing. Any tips? Most of the other au pairs which came through this agency have had problems.
I’m not sure which agency you went through but here are the guarantees of being an aupair in Germany.
-You are not guaranteed all holidays off, but do get 4 payed weeks for one whole years of work.
-They do not have to pay for your language course, but do have to pay for travel costs to get there.
I would also check if your agency is a member of the Au-pair Society. Here is their website http://www.apsev.de/ If they are not, and are not willing to help you, I would honestly try to find a new agency and through them a new family. This is the agency I used and have had very good luck: http://www.flyout-agency.de/ Another option is to start with the Ausländeramt, which is where you should have gotten your visa. They also might be able to direct you elsewhere to get more help. This family doesn’t sound like they are doing anything illegal, but if they are they can end up blacklisted from getting aupairs in the future. Also, don’t be afraid to be very direct and a bit pushy.
You need to go to your local Gemeindehaus or Arbeit Bureau and tell them your contract is not being fullfilled, and you are doing more than what the laws stipulate. It is possible to change families in Germany. Where in Germany are you?
It might also be called the Arbeitsamt.
I’m in Mainz, but I would like to study in Germany since I obtained a scholarship. However, I’m afraid that as a foreigner I’ll get into trouble. What should I do?
How long have you been in Germany?
Its a long story: I’m here since about a year, so I wouldn’t do something for me, but for prospective au pairs. I’ll try to be brief but to include some details so you can judge.
I arrived to this family the last week of July last year. Everything perfect at the beginning, but the kids were mean to me. I though as I was the first au pair it would take time… I made a lot of efforts and after 11 months it’s still the same with the kids.
the mother doesn’t work, so she decided that she would take the kids to the kindergarden, etc etc. So they really don’t need an aupair, they need practically a maid. They are not obliged to pay my language school, but they sent a contract in which they stated they would pay for it. Didn’t do so.
In another document that the agency sent to me (not the contract), they promised law holidays as free.
I noticed the family didn’t give me the free days, so I asked them and made reference to the documents… and then they felt insulted that I had used the word contract and since then the relationship (which had never been excellent) started to deteriorate.
I went to the agency, (memper of the Au pair society) and the lady in charge told me ooohhh I forgot to include the holidays in your contract (what a “mistake”!), I will include it on the future contracts. Then, I learned that none of the other au pairs that came through this agency have had this freedays.
I work around 5 hours every day from Monday to Saturday. I say around, because sometimes this is not respected.I have Sundays free. This is what my work schedule has become:
Monday to Friday
7am – 8:30 or 8:46 am I eat breakfast on my own while performing the following tasks.
I prepare breakfast for the family and the kids, empty and refill the dishwasher, put breakfast on the table, take the garbage out, while they take their breakfast as a family. Then I pick up the dishes and clean.
8:30/8:46- 10:30 I fold the clothes of all the family.
10:30-1:00 I have free, thou sometimes she plays with my schedule …
1:00: 1:13 I rush my lunch (I eat with them but must be ready earlier)
1:13- 22:45 3:00 I go with the baby for a walk while the family sleeps.
Saturdays:
1:00-6:00 I am in the garden with the kids, who don’t listen to me because the parents are in the livingroom watching football.
I don’t eat with the family, because once she complained that I didn’t work enough and that I should substract the eating times from my working times. She told me as well once that I was sick ( a Saturday) that I hadn’t apologized for being sick and implied I should compensate the time I didn’t do. Would you feel ok on this situation?
Furthermore, I never find anything to eat in the fridge at first I ate some chocolates, but she sarted hiding them from me. Once I said I was hungry and asked if she could buy me some yogurt because what they ate was not enough for me and she bought the yogurt once and then “forgot”. In the evenings they prepare food only for themselves. When I have tried to cook for myself, she criticizes me or makes faces. Sometimes its hard to tell because the mistreatment is ore psychological and not so direct… you don’t have any proofs.
Okay, well, since it has already been 11 months, I don’t think much is going to change. I do not know what country you are from, but I do know that aupairs from N. America can only aupair for one year. Have you already applied to a univeristy and recieved your student visa? If nothing else, perhaps you can leave earlier than your contract date. I would still report your host family to the local Gemeinde (governement) building in your canton or district. When I was in Switzerland, such reports were taken very seriously, and many times the families were no longer allowed to host aupairs. I am not sure whether or not this would be the case in Germany, but it is definitely worth trying out. Other than that, I would make yourself vanish when you are done for the day, or it is your day off. Sorry to hear that your experience hasn’t been a very nice one.
Thanks for the support Cs nanny…. I will se how things work out.
Hello Host moms!, my name is Alejandra Salinas , I’m from Monterrey Mexico.
Im 19 years old and I’m a very reliable,creative,happy, and energetic person.
I love taking care of children and play with them.
Im with the program Aupair Care, and I would love to find a host family.
I have been taking care of kids since I was 16,with children from 6 months to 7 years, so I have a lot of experience.
I’m very excited to be an aupair and to have to experience of being in another country with an awesome family!…
my e-mail is : alejandra_s90@hotmail.com
Hi, I’m from England and I am in the process of applying to be an au pair in america. I have not yet spoken to any host families, but will be soon. Any tips on what to ask? Im just quite nervous about getting it right, as it is the first time Ive done this. Also what sort of things are hf looking for?
I am a former host mom.
I recommend asking a lot of questions about where the family lives, what activities they enjoy doing a family and about the kids, their schools, activities, routines, etc.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is BE HONEST when you speak to host families. If you don’t like driving in snowy conditions or on highways, just say so. It is much better to be upfront about it and find a host family that is right for you!!!
good luck.
As a HM, I definitely want to hear questions about the kids (although I must admit, HD likes to reveal all), but I also want to hear about what’s important to you. One AP wanted help in finding piano lessons at a reasonable cost. Another AP made it clear that she was from a diverse community and was not interested in living in a place where she didn’t feel welcome (our community has no clear majority).
You should ask questions about the family dynamics:
1. Kids’ personalities- how do they get along with each other?
2. What forms of discipline the parents use
3. What they consider to be most challenging about their children
4. What the family’s typical day is like
5. What kind of hours you’d be working.
6. What are the HP’s looking for? Can they tell you? Would you be first ap, or one in a long line?
7. Typical activities? What does the family do in its leisure time?
Hi!
I am an American and have started researching to become an au pair in France and put some “feelers” out. I have fallen in love with a family via the website Aupair World. I know that it is smarter to enroll with an agency and go the safe route, but I will be sad to not be able to be with this family! Should I wait another 3 or 4 months and go through an agency or go ahead and give it a go with this wonderful family in Paris?
Also, what do I need to do to start getting my visa for being an au pair for up to a year? I hear so many different things, and plan on contacting the French Embassy here in the states but would love any suggestions!
This website is great!!
If you check AuPair World’s “Visas and Regulations” section under France, there is very detailed information. Another good source is: http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-become-an-au-Pair-in-France. Bonne chance!
Hi. I’m an au pair in the USA. I’ve been with the same host family for a year and seven months. I have two months left of my extended stay. I decided to extend my year exclusively because of the family. I loved living with them and helping them out, and I could easily see how much they appreciated me. I thought my year was ending to fast and I wasn’t going to be able to say goodbye so soon. So I extended for nine months. They were so excited about it. And I was too.
Now, since before my last nine months started, everything started to change. I personally developed an extended social life, beyond my host family, and I think that was one of the things that contributed the most to the change. I usually work more than the 45 hours per week and the 10 hours per day than the law says, and I almost never know how my day is going to be until it ends. Since I started going out more and coordinating with friends to pick me up (I can’t bring friends to the house and I can’t drive farther than 20 minutes away from the house), I started asking my host parents for better ideas of how my day is going to be. That seems to stress my host mom a lot and now she thinks I don’t care about the family anymore. I do. Or I did when they were more kind and attentive with me. But now I feel they are abusing me and don’t know how to survive my last two months. I don’t want to leave earlier, especially because I want to use my extra month to travel around.
I never broke a rule (I can’t eat outside of the kitchen, I have to be home by 11pm everyday). I never lied about my whereabouts, in fact even when I don’t have to, I tell them where I’m going and with whom. Just for courtesy. But they keep acting as if I’m doing things wrong all the time. Even when in my work I do the same things or better (more educational, less TV time, more healthy lunches) than I used to do during my first year.
Please, I don’t know what to do.
Hey Nat!
). I didn’t speak with my HM, but I had a miserable month until she went back to being her normal self, and our previously amazing relationship suffered as a result.
Hmm it’s a little bit strange that they’re acting like that all of a sudden. Though what I, myself, have noticed, as well as several other au pairs, is that as well as us APs having our “seasons”, HFs do too. I’m now on my 2 week benchmark before leaving to go home, and at about my 3/2 month mark my own HM started acting all funny for some reason; being incredibly distant, mocking me on occasions and telling me I couldn’t laugh at that joke or speak in that conversation because I am just her employee, also telling me that I should distance myself from the kids so that the au pair has it easier if the child thinks I’m no longer interested when I go back (which is really unfair as she said it was fine that I still kept in contact with the family after I left) or nit-picking on things I’ve done all year and only now suddenly says something i.e. I’m making her tea in the morning too early, I fold the towels wrong etc. (which I don’t have a problem with her pointing out, but I ask myself why this was not mentioned in my first few weeks!). It actually got to the stage where I was ready to just pack my stuff and walk out. Having spoken to my other au pair friends, it appears to me too that there seems to be a stage close to when the au pair goes home that someone in HF tends to become a little bit colder, distant or argumentative (although I’m sure many people on here will want to disagree with me
You need to rip the band aid off and tell her what you think, otherwise you’ll end up being miserable as a result and your ending memories will be tarnished by her. It could however be something that you’ve done or said which upset her too, that she hasn’t mentioned for whatever reason but is letting it show.
Thank you, Nina.
I know what bothers her, and talking about it just made things worse over and over again. I used to live for them. I didn’t go out much, I was very interested in spending time with them. But as time kept going on, I created a social life, I have more friends, I have a boyfriend, I have to use my time better to do all the things I want to do, so now they think that “my focus” is not them anymore. That’s making things worse, because now they question every one of my steps and make me not want to do extra things for them as I used to, which in turn makes them believe that my focus is not them again which shows in the way they treat me, and it’s a cycle and things get worse and worse.
I’m going to talk to my LCC about it and see if she can help me figure something out, but I doubt it–she is one of those LCCs.
Wow! I can just relate to SO much of what you guys are talking about!
Nina, I agree with what you say about HFs having stages too where they can become distant and/or cold. Happened to me and my beloved HF. And what you wrote here: “I didn’t speak with my HM, but I had a miserable month until she went back to being her normal self, and our previously amazing relationship suffered as a result”, is exactly what happened to me!
Nat; what you just described in this comment, pretty much sums up the story of my whole aupair experience!
Well glad im not alone
I will tell you that the same grief and sense of loss that you will feel before you depart, HF go through, too. And sometimes we distance ourselves or find ourselves irrationally angry about it.
The difference is that while you will be returning home to friends and family that you left behind in your home country, we are working through the process of finding another AP. If you’ve been an excellent AP, it will be very difficult for us to find “the one” who can succeed you and make us equally happy.
If your HP’s are sorting through AP applications and scheduling interviews and you have had an excellent relationship with them, I will say that their sense of loss is acute (having been there). If you are their first AP, they will not realize that you are undergoing similar stress as it dawns on you that you might not see your best AP friends again.
The last few weeks together are an emotionally charged time. The best thing to do is to call a meeting with your HP after the kids have gone to bed to clear the air. If they have been accustomed to your working extra hours, explain to them how much you need to see the friends you’ve made that you may not be seeing again when you return home.
Do continue to work hard and graciously when you’re scheduled to work. I will tell you, as a HP, when a AP grouses about working in the last weeks, it’s hard for us to take – after all we still need childcare and we’re still paying you a salary. Having hosted several APs, I try to be liberal with extra time off when polite requests are made – especially as other friends fly home – as long as my APs continue to work as they always have when I need them.
Ugh, i’m sorry your LCC’s one of those, i’ve had that before
Do you have weekly meetings or a time you can sit down with her no interruptions? I’d suggest just coming out and bluntly telling her that you still very much love the family and appreciate everything they do for you but you also enjoy spending time with your friends and wish to do this before you have to go home. Explain that when you asked for an estimate of finishing times it wasn’t a complaint that you work too much but rather it would just make it easier for you to arrange people picking you up instead of having them come before you finish and making you sad that they have to wait out the front for you.
I also work long hours and don’t have a set finish time so i know how exhausting and frustrating it can be when you’ve been finishing around 6 every day and then the one day you make plans for someone to pick you up at 6.30, you don’t finish until 7.
Hope you can get this sorted, i’d hate for your last couple months to suck because of it.
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