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{ 95 comments }
Our AP just went home this weekend. I am really sad. Not because of the AP’s departure, but because this person lived with us for a year, spent every holiday with us, and we invested countless hours in;yet, what my whole family feels is RELIEF that it is over!
Sometimes I think having a terrible AP is better than a mediocre one because, as stressful as it is, it is pretty obvious the plug needs to be pulled. We bumbled along this past year with no real reason to rematch but minimum help.
There were a few moments of greatness that this AP was a big help during an emergency ,or when helping out my son in a sport the AP loves (actually the only thing this AP put effort into) but the rest of the year was only remarkable in that we made it through with an AP who was incredible at doing just enough not to be sent home. I feel “played”. Even though my kids are older, I feel guilty that I deprived my kids of a conscientious caregiver, like our previous APs.
I keep thinking of that scene in Bad Santa, when the kid opens a window of his advent calendar to find an aspirin- and the adult (who decimated it) responds “Well, they can’t all be winners”.
What would make you pull the plug on a mediocre AP who did a barely adequate job, and the HC just tolerated? Is this just statistical inevitability with the program when you’ve been in it a while–>you get the good, the bad and the …meh?
Although I’ve always been in the “AP is one of the family” camp, I may switch to “an AP is an employee” camp after this experience… Perhaps “being part of the family” is something that is an evolution rather than a given.
We are done with the program for a while… For other reasons.It may be a while before I can wean myself off APM- This has been such a great community, I am grateful for this outlet CV has created, and all the thought, time and energy HMs & APs spend sharing their experiences, ideas and advice. Good luck to you all.
Sent from my iPhone
Oh Momma Gadget we’ll miss YOU!
I wish you were stepping out of the program on a high note, but I understand (since it happened with us) that sometimes you’re just ‘done’.
The big question now is– what do you do to capture the wisdom you developed as a host parent? How do you gather up the stories & episodes, take lessons from them, reflect on how they influenced you as a person and a parent, and then use the wisdom in other places in your life?
Maybe I could ask you to think about this for a few days, and maybe share your reflections in a guest post?
You’ve certainly earned your stripes as a host mom — maybe a guest post can help you celebrate the good stuff.
Let me know-
Enjoy the quiet.
cv
Thanks everyone!
CV- I will ponder , and see if I can come up with anything worth while.
FTR- we are (hopefully) only temporarily leaving the program, due to other reasons. We have had several “rockstar” APs, who we feel blessed to have in our lives. Which is what makes it all the more disappointing when they are followed by a”karaoke singer” AP instead.
SBW- I think you are right- this is the first time we have actually experienced “Short-timers’ syndrome”. Our other APs took their responsibilities seriously, and were considerate of our whole family from day 1 through the day they stepped on the airplane. STS combined with the knowledge that we will be taking a break is making me less than positive.(down right whiny, actually).
I do wish I were leaving on a high note.. but it is what it is.
Good luck every one, I am sure I’ll be around… I don’t think I could make it through the day without some procrastination!
Momma Gadget, Please stick around with your experience and advice!
And my sympathies on the feeling of relief–and “I can’t believe how much we invested in mediocrity”.
I ABSOLUTELY agree that a terrible AP is easier, emotionally and in terms of time spent, than a so-so or mediocre AP. Terrible is so easy–fire her/him! No one will mind, everyone will be relieved, the next one is very likely to be much better.
With a so-so au pair, you try to get the best from him/her, sometimes win, sometimes lose, and at the end of it you think, “So all that energy, and now I’m relieved s/he is gone??”
Sometimes though, not that this is your case, I think the last 3-4 months color our view of the whole year. That short-timers’ syndrome we have discussed kicks in, the AP slacks some–in ways that were always tendencies but not so strongly marked–and that makes it feel like s/he was “always” that slacky way. Our last AP had that. And our current (out of rematch, will be with us 8 months total) AP is sort of starting to feel like she is slacking although she seemed SO wonderful after the slacking of the last one in her last months.
Any retrospective insight as to what to do with the mediocre APs??
Momma Gadget@ if the AP is just so-so, why fire her/him? I wouldn’t, there’s always a possibility I’d end up with someone even worse. The next AP could have been much better obviously, but if the “meh” Au Pair was good with the kids I would probably let our personal disagreements slip until the end of her year. On the other hand if she was good enough with household chores, driving, respecting family rules but my children had issues with her, then I’d send her packing. I believe the AP would be in my house for my child, not for me after all.
That said, if the mediocre AP was the one that wished to terminate our contract I wouldn’t try to stop her, knowing she had a good chance to be happier with another family.
By the way, I think I was “meh” for my first family – I really liked and clicked with the child but the Parents were totally not my cup of tea. However, the second family was just brilliant, we shared the same values, attitude, lifestyle, and with them I really could have said that Au Pair career break was the right thing to do.
Mediocre for one could be a good match for someone else :-)
An AP that my kids adore and who influences them toward the good would not be a “meh” au pair for me. I’m wondering if MG above is not saying the AP was great with kids but otherwise so-so, but instead she was great with the son’s sport and in emergencies but otherwise NOT great with kids or in other respects.
I think you mis-read: She said that her AP helped her kid out with HC’s sport “that the AP LOVED” so AP was only helpful in that area because it was what AP was interested in, not because AP was so great with kids… dud
Honestly, exaupair, until you have paid someone 24K for a year of frustration and lackluster performance, you have no idea how terrible “meh” can be. It really is worse than terrible because every time you focus on one minor problem, some thing else slides in it’s place. It’s like being on a never ending treadmill.
MG, I feel your pain, BTDT. Sorry that it’s driving you out of the program, but stick around here and help the rest of us out from time to time! And who knows – we came back after a year break, maybe with time you can try again.
I get your point. It’s always easier to fire someone who is just plain useless. With a so-so person you’re trying to make the best of a bad situation which can be frustrating.
Momma Gadget that is so sad! I know how you feel though, our first was mediocre (some would argue bad because of driving and English challenges but great with my kids so we will call it even in mediocre) and we did have a sense of relief when we moved on but we have also been blessed since then with two great APs that reminded us why we bothered with this program in the first place. I SO wish you were going out on a high note though. What a bummer that is. I so hope you are able to come back when your tank is refilled and have a great match. I personally learned so much from you the last three years – lucky for you this is anonymous or I would have been calling you up especially year one! Thanks so much for all your contributions and I see no need to wean off APMom! You have valuable insight to give (assuming you have the bandwidth to continue to do so).
Question now – we currently have an AP that is a nurse. We have been chatting about extension and I asked her how (if) that would impact her career. She paused and said “it could because then I would not have practiced my skills for 2 years” (or however long). My question is – I have no doubt there are lots of organizations that would LOVE a volunteer nurse (has ER experience no less) but can she do this? Has anyone had a nurse do something career related to keep her skills polished here? Another thought was maybe she takes nursing related education courses but I have no idea what that would entail or if it would be feasible. Or, if a license is required to volunteer has anyone had a nurse get licensed? I think it would be a shame for her to not be able to give to the community given her valuable skill set and desire to do so. Anyone got any other ideas on how we can help her practice?
Our au pair is a nurse, and actually got licensed and is planning to get a job here at the end of her time with us (talk about educational ambition!). She did take a CNA course as her education component the first year, and then a TOEFL course as the education component during her extension year with us–passing the TOEFL is required to get a license, I think. She’s on her way to getting her RN and a job…we’re so proud of her!
The CNA student option may be a good option if she wants to brush up/maintain her skills. The course our au pair took was about 1/3 classwork and 2/3 working in a nursing home w/ residents. The Red Cross may have volunteer opportunities, too.
Girl scouts need first aider volunteers, and the training is fairly easy to get as just a refresher. It gives a volunteer a great chance to do some things with other young women.
In the US, many nurses take time off for maternity leave and then come back without much difficulty. I think the ramp back up is not so complicated here and it is an accepted part of the culture. I would think that would be true in other places as well. On the other hand, the nursing market in the US has been fairly tight (lots of jobs for nurses, historically), so they have been motivated to accommodate their potential employees any way possible. This might not be true elsewhere.
As far as practicing as a nurse, I am pretty sure that you would need to be licensed, even to do volunteer work. There is probably other volunteer work you could do (like GS first aid), but those won’t really utilize nursing skills.
In my experience, continuing medical education courses are quite expensive because they are usually paid for by the employer.
I am a physical therapist from a foreign country and have gotten my licensing in US. I can assist if this is something she is interested. It does have a cost but it is worth it. My email is sandykassia@stny.rr.com
She can write to me
You also need to clarify what makes her a “nurse” in her country vs ours. My first AP was a “pediatric nurse” from Bosnia. What that means is that she went to a high school where she took classes in biology. That was it. In her country, she was then qualified to perform endoscopy on children, apparently, along with other invasive procedures. In this country, she wouldn’t even be allowed to take temperatures…
So, if she has a bachelor degree equivalent, she MAY be allowed to sit for a nursing license exam here, but it’s not guaranteed. I don’t know many volunteer orgs that would use her as a nurse without a license as it is a legal liability for them.
In the US, if you don’t work as a clinical practitioner for 2 years, it is pretty impossible to get credentialled to work past that point. Some employers will put you on a “plan of supervision” but they have to really want/need your skill set and not have other applicants to be willing to go down that road. If she just plans on working in an office, that’s a different animal and probably less problematic.
She got a college degree but in France there’s only one type of nursing degree they don’t have all the designations like we do here (LPN, etc). After her degree she worked as an ER nurse so definitely not in the high school bio class category. She is here to learn English so she can join an international aid organization that sends nurses to zones that desperately need them two weeks per quarter, and she would remain employed by the hospital full time in between assignments. I don’t think this is a dealbreaker as she does have a degree and experience, just might take some persuading when she got home and I was hoping to figure out a way to get the best of both worlds by letting her practice/volunteer and allow her to stay longer without getting rusty. :)
I agree with HRHM. My first AP was a pediatric intensive nurse in her native country. Although she had some university education, she had not completed it, nor moved to the highest level of nursing in her hospital. She was qualified to be a health tech in this country. Just because an AP was a nurse in her native country does not automatically qualify her to be a nurse in this country. She must pay to have all her documentation translated and submit it to a reviewing board. No matter how dire the nursing shortage in the U.S., she won’t be permited to “sub.” If your AP has a long-term intention to remain in the U.S. all the effort may be worth her while, otherwise, not.
I came back to the US as a repeat au pair right after finishing my nursing degree in my home country (RN). My kids were in school full time so I looked into something to do during that time. My best friend signed up with a volunteer ambulance corps in the town she lived in so I did the same. Turned out to be a great experience. I met a lot of new people, got to practice my skills (even though I was riding as an aider) and learned a lot of new things. I ended up signing up for an EMT class. Of course I knew a lot of the stuff, but also learned new things that are not taught in nursing school at home. I got a good recommendation from the chief at the ambulance corps and the EMT class turned out to be a good thing to have on my resume. I applied for jobs at home this fall and had no issues getting a job even though I had been away for a year and never worked as a nurse. The people who interviewed me was intrigued by the EMT class and wanted to hear more about it.
Since she has worked in the ER volunteering at an ambulance might be something she would be interested in TexasHM?
@ LisaAuPair- Great minds think alike! Our town has a volunteer ambulance corps too. ( they have been to my house too many times (boys.. Ugh!)).
I think this is a great Idea- not only a chance to practice skills, but an opportunity to connect with/make american friends, and give back to the community.
I have never heard of this (volunteer firefighters yes, EMTs no) will definitely look into this!! Thanks!
Haha, that is true, Momma Gadget:) I felt more like a part of the community than I did my first two years there. And it is also nice to give something back to a town you have lived in for three years:) I’m still a member, even though I left the US 8 months ago, and picked up a shift when I was back to visit a few months ago:)
When I first got in touch with the new member committee they weren’t sure because I was only going to be there for a year. But when they heard I was a nurse they decided to admit me. I know the different ambulance corps are organized differently, some being volunteer and some having paid staff, but it is worth looking into. They might also be helpful finding a good EMT class if she is interested in that too.
I need some advice too – A little background first. This is our first time hosting. We have 3 kids and live near a big metropolitan city in the States. I work from home most of the time but recently went to about 60/40 working from outside/inside the house. Our AP has been with us for 3 months. She didn’t have a lot of experience with kids before but seemed excited to meet and be with us. I was a newby to the interview process so thought she was the one and we would have the phenomenal year with her. We subscribe to the “part of the family” view and wanted someone who will take interest in our growing family and want to be with us and experience life through our eyes for a year. So what when wrong for us? Well we have found our new AuPair to be more interested in partying and now she has a boyfriend she is settling down – but I know she is not here for the AP experience but to live it large in a great city. She switches off as soon as we are home (which I stated in the AP application that we didn’t want – and used those words – switch off). I know they are exhausted and have been working hard all day but we want a relationship with the AP too… She is not connecting with the kids in the way we had hoped an AP would. We don’t feel comfortable with her driving the children. She is super confident in the car but still does not drive safely in my husband and my view (we wish she was a little more insecure in the car!). She has lied to us and been caught and we have instilled new rules which have been broken. She has a level of familiarity with our home and things that I would be happy for a trusted long term AP to have but not someone who has been here so short a time (for instance entering our bedroom and trying to log into a computer while we were at work to try to pay a bill in her home country). I have been trying to make things work – In fact many friends with AP have told me that we are putting in too much effort to try to make it work. I have spoken to the LLC several times and also to the rep in the home office. They know it is not working and we have decided – for real – that we will go into rematch. We are actually looking for someone already. We need to move on.
My real question comes in relation to the reality of what we are looking for… I truly want an older sister experience for my kids. My oldest child has been asking for AP to come watch at their sports games but it interferes with her social calendar. I want someone who will go explore our great city but also keep some time to be with us and let us show them some of the less know wonders around where we live. We would love someone who if home on the weekend for a while would want to play outside with the family – or participate in family game night. Am I delusional? Is this unrealistic? I would love someone who understands that this is not THEIR experience but it is ours too. This is the year for my kids to meet and fall in love with a great caregiver who they will have memories of for the rest of their lives… I think my first requirement beyond any help with meals or laundry or cleaning would be that connection with not only the kids but us. I don’t know how to look for that? Suggestions please.
The one thing I have learned in the last 3 months? There IS a difference between being intelligent and sensible/responsible and I know which I prefer for my kids.
Thanks for any help – I want to know how to find this elusive AP so any help would be gladly accepted! BTW – this is especially hard as we have had 2 fabulous babysitters who have helped in the past who are like family. They come visit when they are in town and my kids LOVE them. When I see that connection I know that I shouldn’t work with what we have we should rematch.
Momma Gadget…. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU so much for posting. I am sorry you had this year. I hope that you find the other side of it soon… But your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. We have just decided to go into rematch with our OK AuPair. Your experience makes me realize we are making the right decision.
Momma Gadget…. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU so much for your post. I am sorry you had this year. I hope that you find the other side of it soon… But your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your experience confirms to me that we are making the right decision.
And dorsi is right. While in US I can afford to tell my employer how many weeks I am taking for maternity leave, and choosey job, in my home country most PTs and nurses are unemployed. So while in USA a 1, 2 or even 5ys break would mean little, in my home country would mean no job to return to
Some nursing schools have continuing education programs online (U of Michigan dies). We homeschool and my early teen child studies ASL online through the U of M nursing studies CPE program. It is super affordable (4 blocks = about and 18 month course; each block is about $100). The idea is that learning ASL is an asset for a med provider, and this course is one way to do it. It isn’t as good as an in person course, we supplemented with an in person course as well. But of course does provide doing nursing education certificate at the end of each block.
Whether or not your AP is interested in ASL, perhaps some continuing nursing education coursework, from known universities, that would result in certificate and continuing ed credentials might be a way to bridge that of an extension year when she isn’t actually practicing nursing.
Another option might be to take EMT coursework to community college. She would likely be overqualified, but perhaps her qualifications combined with English being her second language would make such a program have merit. And again it would result in a certificate for qualification at the end of the course. Near us there are EMT courses at Community Colleges that are taught exclusively on weekends.
Some nursing schools have continuing education programs online (U of Michigan dies). We homeschool and my early teen child studies ASL online through the U of M nursing studies CPE program. It is super affordable (4 blocks = about and 18 month course; each block is about $100). The idea is that learning ASL is an asset for a med provider, and this course is one way to do it. It isn’t as good as an in person course, we supplemented with an in person course as well. But of course does provide doing nursing education certificate at the end of each block.
Whether or not your AP is interested in ASL, perhaps some continuing nursing education coursework, from known universities, that would result in certificate and continuing ed credentials might be a way to bridge that of an extension year when she isn’t actually practicing nursing.
Another option might be to take EMT coursework at a community college. She would likely be overqualified, but perhaps her qualifications combined with English being her second language would make such a program have merit. And again it would result in a certificate for qualification at the end of the course. Near us there are EMT courses at Community Colleges that are taught exclusively on weekends.
Sorry for dbl post/ typos– posting from mobile!!
Anyone here use ExpertAuPair (based out of Florida). Their costs are significantly lower than the other agencies and I’ve seen good reviews on them. But have not heard first hand experiences with them.
Thanks!
I know a few people who have used them before. They are substantially less money. Their team is very nice but run a small shop. They have less AP in the area that I am as there are many other agencies closer.
Do you know how many AP they have living in your area?
I need some advice too – A little background first. This is our first time hosting. We have 3 kids and live near a big metropolitan city in the States. I work from home most of the time but recently went to about 60/40 working from outside/inside the house. Our AP has been with us for 3 months. She didn’t have a lot of experience with kids before but seemed excited to meet and be with us. I was a newby to the interview process so thought she was the one and we would have the phenomenal year with her. We subscribe to the “part of the family” view and wanted someone who will take interest in our growing family and want to be with us and experience life through our eyes for a year. So what when wrong for us? Well we have found our new AuPair to be more interested in partying and now she has a boyfriend she is settling down – but I know she is not here for the AP experience but to live it large in a great city. She switches off as soon as we are home (which I stated in the AP application that we didn’t want – and used those words – switch off). I know they are exhausted and have been working hard all day but we want a relationship with the AP too… She is not connecting with the kids in the way we had hoped an AP would. We don’t feel comfortable with her driving the children. She is super confident in the car but still does not drive safely in my husband and my view (we wish she was a little more insecure in the car!). She has lied to us and been caught and we have instilled new rules which have been broken. She has a level of familiarity with our home and things that I would be happy for a trusted long term AP to have but not someone who has been here so short a time (for instance entering our bedroom and trying to log into a computer while we were at work to try to pay a bill in her home country). I have been trying to make things work – In fact many friends with AP have told me that we are putting in too much effort to try to make it work. I have spoken to the LLC several times and also to the rep in the home office. They know it is not working and we have decided – for real – that we will go into rematch. We are actually looking for someone already. We need to move on.
My real question comes in relation to the reality of what we are looking for… I truly want an older sister experience for my kids. My oldest child has been asking for AP to come watch at their sports games but it interferes with her social calendar. I want someone who will go explore our great city but also keep some time to be with us and let us show them some of the less know wonders around where we live. We would love someone who if home on the weekend for a while would want to play outside with the family – or participate in family game night. Am I delusional? Is this unrealistic? I would love someone who understands that this is not THEIR experience but it is ours too. This is the year for my kids to meet and fall in love with a great caregiver who they will have memories of for the rest of their lives… I think my first requirement beyond any help with meals or laundry or cleaning would be that connection with not only the kids but us. I don’t know how to look for that? Suggestions please.
The one thing I have learned in the last 3 months? There IS a difference between being intelligent and sensible/responsible and I know which I prefer for my kids.
Thanks for any help – I want to know how to find this elusive AP so any help would be gladly accepted! BTW – this is especially hard as we have had 2 fabulous babysitters who have helped in the past who are like family. They come visit when they are in town and my kids LOVE them. When I see that connection I know that I shouldn’t work with what we have we should rematch.
Momma Gadget…. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU so much for posting. I am sorry you had this year. I hope that you find the other side of it soon… But your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your experience makes me realize we are making the right decision.
For an AP to go to sports events to cheer a HK on, you need to schedule it as work time. Same thing if you want her to stick around after you get home. Or play outside on weekends.
But how to get the AP who really wants the family thing? Not sure how to screen. I would guess that younger APs might be more prone to this, but not necessarily. Still, if they have lived on their own it seems less likely. Those who show interest in cultural travel–voluntarily go to museums and sightseeing–might go along for the outings.
I’m curious what others say. I would add that if you have AP who connects wonderfully with kids during work time, you might not want to begrudge her time off without the family. APs need friends outside the HF to recharge and have their growing up time.
@ Should be working…. Wow – I absolutely would not schedule going to a game as work time… Not if they are not looking after any children but there to cheer on only… It loses all the meaning if you are PAYING for your AP to come and cheer… And to be clear – just so you know the level of commitment – I am talking about cheering on maybe 1 or 2 games a season. What I am really trying to demonstrate, I suppose, is a genuine interest in the kids, our family and what we do – our family “culture”. After all ins’t that what they are supposed to be experiencing? Do I have to schedule time for my AP to sing happy birthday to the kids on their birthday. Maybe I am just clueless and expecting too much!
In my opinion, if you’re not scheduling her, you can still ask weather she would like to go and cheer, but be prepared she will have different plans. If you really want her to be on that game(any other family event), make it her working time, otherwise, based how you described her, she will much rather experience American culture with her boyfriend.
As bad as it sounds, I really don’t believe that the majority of people taking part in the au pair program actually want to be the true part of the family. Many will write what’s necessary to match with the most suitable Family, and after a while it turns out that the cheerful girl who wanted to be an older sister to the kids will much rather sleep/go shopping/cure hungover, than play in the back garden with the kids on a weekend morning.
For the money you pay to the program you have a right to have expectations and get as close to what you paid for as possible. Next time be upfront with what stands for a “family member” in your book. You want the AP to go to your kids sports events during the time she’s technically off? Say it. If you want 6 out of 7 evenings at home with her doing family activities, say it a well. Whatever you would like the AP to do with you even when she’s not working, you should ask for before matching, and I’m sure you will find a girl who will love to be the part of your Family :-)
Good luck with your new AP!
I had that- my first AP was like that. She had a good social life but she still hung around our house some weekends. She would hang out in the kitchen with me & DH talking after the kids went to bed. My kids were too little to have sports games, but if they did I am positive she would have gone at least once or twice. She occasionally came with us to parties or on outings just for the cultural experience.
I’m not sure how to screen for that. We just got incredibly lucky with her. If I knew how to find another one I would be very happy! There were signs before she came- she had a blog chronicling her AP experience that started with matching, and she had all these lists of “American” things she wanted to do. She was really excited to get into the culture. Also her mother had been hosting international exchange students in their home since she was a young child, so she grew up getting to know young foreign visitors. She had done some travel (and had lived in her own apartment- so there goes that theory), but had a genuine interest in other cultures and understood that the best way to learn a culture was to befriend the people in the country. And as an AP, those people are right there under your nose, if you’re willing to sit around with them.
AP #2 did not hang out with us much, but when she was around during her off hours she always played with the kids. It was clear that she genuinely loved them, and did not really want to get to know us. But she was an amazing person and we were ok with that- she was wonderful with the children. She had an American boyfriend, so I guess that was enough cultural immersion for her :).
AP #3 was short lived.. we rematched for other reasons that I won’t get into. AP #4 I’m afraid is the classic mediocre AP. Not bad enough to rematch. She lacks any spark or initiative. We’re actually fine with her not spending much time with us, because she’s just so dull.
I want to clarify that while AP #1 did spend time with us & play with the kids during off hours, she spent much more time in her room watching TV, skyping, and going out on the weekends. However the times she did spend with us really added up and it helped us to form a good relationship. So far she has been our only AP to feel like a real member of the family.
I think it’s possible to find others like this, but in my experience it is very hard.
SAY that before matching. Make it very clear that you understand she has her private life but you also hope to find someone who will spend some of their FREE time with you.
I insisted on attending important dates for the children and would have loved to have more time with the family. I did spend time with the kids just for fun and took them to the movies on the weekend if I didn’t have any other plans. I’m sure there are au pair who love to do that as long as they still get to have their social life.
But one thing you need to consider is her work time in general. Does she work 45 hours every week? Then maybe she needs the time for herself and is just happy to have some time to relax. I didn’t work all those 45 hours and therefore was happy to spend some extra time with them. Might have been different if I’d worked full time. (But even then, unless there’s something REALLY important, I would have wanted to see the kids on their big day if it’s only twice a year.)
I was an Au pair 10+ years ago and have had 3 Au pairs as a host. I do not think it is realistic. If your Au pair already works 45hs a week with the kids, chances are that on her time off she wants quiet time without kids. She may be ok with watching a sport event occasionally IF there is nothing going on, but expect her to want to spend her free time playing games in the backyard is unrealistic.
The experience you are looking for you will get with an exchanged student. But then there is no childcare involved…
Thanks for the reply SKNY…. Maybe I just invested heavily in the wrong program! I have been very upfront about this aspect of the experience and no one has called me on it yet – that it is unrealistic to get that level of “integration” into the family… Oh well. We are going into rematch so will see what happens. I would be so sad if we don’t find the right fit!
It’s not unrealistic to think that you may find it, because you may, but it is unrealistic to expect it of an au pair. 9 times out of 10 unfortunately you won’t find that. I’m more than happy to spend some time hanging out with my host family when I’m home on weekends (which is actually quite a bit), but sometimes I’m also more than happy to get some quiet time reading in my room or watching a movie. Also, my host parents appreciate me being around and being a part of the family when I want, but they also respect that I’m an adult and need time where I can “switch off”, and this is such a hard thing to do when you live with a family 24/7, sometimes it feels like you never leave “work”. My HP would never expect that time of me.
Another thing to think on is that some au pairs may not want to get too attached to your children in preparation of having to leave them. Leaving a host family that you adore is heartbreaking, some au pairs with certain personalities or backgrounds may prefer to keep their distance in order to not get hurt.
I wish you the best of luck in looking for yor new au pair, and I hope you find an au pair that fits with your family and really wants to be a part of your family (there are some out there, I’m one of them, but they can be few and far between). Hopefully a family orientated au pair will come along, however I would focus your search on an au pair who is genuinely interested in caring for children, having good childcare should be your first concern, and hopefully the family aspect will come later, feeling comfortable enough in a host family can take time.
I would like to think that you can find an AP that is the right fit for your family…that there is a lid for every pot. Our current AP is a great fit for our family. We eat dinner together every night, but once the dishes are put away she does her own thing and frankly, I am glad I get a little bit of time with just the kids before bedtime. Also, she has attended the big events in my kid’s lives, because they ask her too, such as the annual choir concert or the yearly open house at school where the kids show off their projects. But honestly, every weekly (or several times a week) sports games would be too much for our AP to want to go to. We also have taken our AP with us when we go to touristy places around our town, but that is only every month or so. I guess what I am saying is I do caution not to expect an AP will ALWAYS hangs out with your family. But I think that if you look for an AP that shows that they truly want to work with children, through either their education or work experience, and that you focus on personality fit when interviewing, you will end up with an AP that mostly will be what you are looking for. Good Luck!
Thanks. I did not put as much emphasis on the previous childcare experience as I should have when matching previously. I will be absolutely sure to do that again next time.
Its no secret I am a strongly against using childcare experience as a screening mechanism in the AP program. In fact, with each AP we have gotten progressively less experience and a progressively better experience! Also, 3 of the worst APs we have met had the most hours I had ever seen, a couple of which were Extraordinaire so you can imagine how much weight I put in that program. ;) If someone is a natural with kids it doesn’t matter if they have 5 hours or 500 hours they will be great with kids. Reverse is true – people that aren’t natural with kids won’t be natural after 2000 hours. Yes, having more hours might mean they have more kids crafts ideas but I can teach that and honestly, our last two APs have took it upon themselves to google that stuff or trade ideas with other great APs. Plus a lot of the agencies inflate experience and fudge the numbers. Some things are teachable, some aren’t. Screen for the things that aren’t and teach the rest (if they don’t figure it out themselves before they arrive). :)
I have a question for you, TexasHM – and any others actually. So we have had three au pairs – two extraordinaires, one not. Our two extraordinaires have been excellent, our one non-extraordinaire was awful (reading about the total relief of dropping off a mediocre au pair at the airport above definitely brought me back in time!). So obviously, we feel pretty invested in the extraordinaire program.
This year, the fees have gone up even more and it’s becoming almost too expensive for us to afford. But honestly one of the reasons I like the extraordinaire program is that it makes it easier for me to search during the matching process. Being presented with 20 candidates who already have excellent childcare experience makes it so so much easier for me to then screen for my other “musts” than being presented with 500 candidates that I have to dig through one by one.
So how do you start the narrowing down process to figure out who to interview? Do you just slog through the applications looking for your “musts” one at a time? I don’t think I’m prepared to totally drop the experience requirement – I see so many au pairs that have babysat a sibling or cousin a few evenings, and I’m like “they have no idea what they’re signing up for with 45 hours of childcare a week!!!”
Any suggestions would be helpful. We’re going to start matching in a few months, assuming we decide to take the plunge again.
I think you should just concentrate on finding a good au pair and not worry so much about finding one that spends a lot of time with your family.
Here’s why: of my 3 best au pairs, one was out the door as soon as she was off, one spent time with us in the beginning but about half way through she was also out the door when she wasn’t working, and the third wanted to spend so much time with us that I actually had to ask her to let us have a weekend here and there just to ourselves.
What made the 3 of them so wonderful is that they really enjoyed my kids. I would never expect them to go to a game or an event on their time off, but there were times when each of these three would go on their own if it was really special to my kids.
I will say that in the first few weeks I do encourage them to go to games and do more family things – and I put them on the clock during those times. But that’s just the first few weeks. Later if my au pair takes my kids to a game or concert and I arrive 20 minutes later when I get off from work, I tell her she is free to go. Let’s face it – while games, concerts and performances are special to us as parents they can be pretty long and tedious… Even for the parents lol!
The au pairs that didn’t work out had absolutely no interest in my kids and were completely interested in the party scene. My au pair that spent her last few months out of the house during her off time actually invited one of her au pair friends to watch a school play that my child was in – and that was during her off time. That was really sweet. Another has brought her boyfriend to one or two big special events.
I agree with Multitasking HM – when it’s special and the kids ask the au pair will likely come but I would never expect it to be a weekly event
I completely agree with this. Even our AP #2 who was usually out the door once her shift was over was amazing with the children and for that we loved her. We also really appreciated that she spent a lot of her free time doing martial arts and was getting quite good. Her old dojo loved her so much that they used her as the model in all of their marketing materials right before she left!
This sounds like exactly my relationship with my host family. We eat every meal together and basically if the kids are awake, I’m at least hanging around to occupy them when mom needs to cook dinner or do some gardening. I’m there for family member birthday parties, any big events like choir shows, etc. My host family doesn’t go anywhere, but if they did I would definitely accompany them to a museum or zoo and the like. However, I’m totally exhausted at the end of the day and I REALLY value my free time after the kids go to bed and on the weekend. I’m gone basically every weekend (I have a boyfriend here), unless there’s something special like a birthday going on. I hang around here Saturday mornings to eat breakfast with the family and see the kids, but I absolutely need that time afterwards to disconnect. The amount of time I spend with my host family is higher-than-average compared to my AP friends, but less than their last AP. She was also 3 years younger than me, had never been abroad, and didn’t have a boyfriend. I think our age/experience level factors a lot into how much time we spend at home off-duty. You may find an AP who loves spending her off time at home and I think most APs are genuine when they say they want to be part of the family. However, living with your employer does something funny to your brain that’s hard to anticipate and making that distinction between off-time and working time can sometimes only mentally be made by getting out of the house and having a break from the kids.
@Momto3Americans: I think what you’re looking for is definitely out there; unfortunately I’m not sure how to help you find it though. My APs #s 1 and 2 asked to attend baseball/softball games, ballet recitals and school plays. I never asked them or required them to attend. #3 was not at all interested. #4 is still relatively new so I don’t know but I think will lean towards attending kid events here and there. I really love when my APs actually care enough to attend as it makes the kids feel special; but I’ve never tried to interview specifically for that. I’ve just looked for someone I think will click with us. If my track record tells you anything though, those APs are definitely out there. I would make it clear in your interviews that this is one of the things that you include as “being part of a family” and want from your AP. Good luck!
Thanks so much for the reassurance CAmom22… The funny thing with our first AP is that from the get go we have spoken about wanting someone who will want to join our family in these events. I even wrote it in the application and in the family guideline… I think it is luck of the draw and we are new to this. We do live close to a big exciting city and unfortunately I think that was more appealing than our family. Our AP mentioned that she had interviewed with about 18 families before she found us. I wonder if the other HF were more experienced and knew how to weed out the ones that are looking for the great party locations and lax parents (we have no curfew).
I just hope that we find the right one next time.
I agree with Taking a Computer Lunch, lying, breaking the rules and coming into my bedroom when I am not home – rematch. It will only get worse. I state upfront in our intro letter and guide our au pair will go on field trips all scheduled during work hours if I cannot make it. I do plan several events like the ballet and a few others that state will be family events…if they fall with in the 45 hours….great, if not then she received a culture experience. Our first au pair participated in everyting no matter when it occurred, recitals, Pre-K graduation etc. Our third au pair LOVES, LOVES, LOVES our daughter and although she has a very active social life, she is always there for special events or to play Princess matching for the upteenth time. #2 au pair was like what you described and she went into rematch within 5 weeks. I think of our au pairs as a college aged children where I have expectations but remember when I told my parents I wanted to do something instead of watching my brother’s baseball game. Great au pairs are out there, we cried when au pair #1 left and I dread when #3 leaves, I cheered when #2 left and carried her bags to the front porch.
For the lying and rule-breaking — rematch.
Others have already said this – if you’re AP is working 45-hours per week, then she is with the kids a lot. A good AP will develop a relationship with them. But don’t expect her to want to give up free time to attend your kids’ soccer games. We’ve hosted 9 APs and only want asked to join us cheering on a child for a soccer game. We invited the rest and accept their “No, I have other plans cheerfully.” We invite APs to birthday celebrations (and when the kids were younger and played with the HK of other APs, we invited those HK, their APs, and HF). If you want your AP to watch the birthday and behave like a celebrant, then invite her to attend, if you expect her to pitch in and work, then schedule her to work for part or all of the celebration. (On the other hand, most APs have willingly attended school celebrations – like graduations, talent shows, and concerts that occur on weekdays, whether I schedule them or not. Weekend events – not so much.)
In general, we have had a mix of AP involvement. Most of our APs have been likely to join us for dinner and we have enjoyed listening to their English improve. Most have enjoyed traveling with us, because we have family in destination locations. Occasionally, an AP will enjoy playing board games with us – even on a weekend night. All of our APs have formed their own friendships and created a life for themselves in the U.S. This is healthy, young adult behavior.
Not only are these APs out there (we’ve had 3 now) but your request for a member of the family is reasonable and great. We explain in our HF letter and during interviewing that while we wouldn’t expect them to come to my sons football games every weekend if he makes it to the Super Bowl and asked them to come that (as a family member) they strongly consider doing so. Girls have one dance recital a year, son has occasional playoff situation or special school event etc. All three have happily attended (in fact AP1 lives close and still comes to dance recitals and football playoffs) and while they aren’t scheduled and if they had other major plans that would be fine, being too lazy/hungover or disinterested to make a rare event would strain our relationship. It’s a two way street. If they want to be treated like a family member they need to act like one and a family member wouldn’t skip my girls dance recital after knowing they practiced 9 months for it. Hasn’t been an issue. We clearly state it in the interview process, give examples of events and frequencies, etc.
We also like a friendly relationship with the AP although be careful what you wish for because that means investing a shoulder to cry on over a breakup, an ear to hear their latest drama, etc. I know I can be an outlier on here but I need someone that truly loves my kids, isn’t just punching a clock. We hope to build lifelong relationships and ideally meet their families and visit their countries when the kids are older. As others have said, this program is A LOT of work and I’m not investing all that time and money to get the “9 out of 10” AP experience. I’m looking for the 1 in 10 diamond and it’s hard to find but SO worth it. Experience is overrated, a lot of things can be taught but the things that can’t – that’s what we look for.
As an au pair to be, waiting to match with a family, I think one of the most important things for me is that the family actually want me to be involved with their family outside of working hours. It is actually one of the aspects I am most excited about, getting to go to things like the children’s football games or dance recitals. Of course in the majority of my free time I will want to explore and hang out with friends, but I would love it if my host family took interest in this as well and, for example, took me out with them and showed me some nice museums and great places to eat ect. Personally I cannot imagine living with a family for a year (possibly longer) and not forming a family-like bond with them.
TexasHM – you make a good point. We had an au pair that truly looked at us as her second family – in fact she rematched with us because her first family wanted her to disappear when she was off. We love her dearly and while she was wonderful I will admit I wasn’t always prepared to really mother a 20 year old. When I say that I mean that I expected her to want to hang out with us during her off time. But what I didn’t expect is after coming home from a long day of work and finally getting the kids to sleep, the time I usually spent decompressing was pushed back another hour as I became that shoulder to cry on or the adult who was turned to for advice. I wasn’t prepared for that to be a nightly thing, so it was an adjustment. And as I said after awhile I did ask that I be able to spend some alone time with the kids on the weekends. So there is a give and take in all of this. I do think that if the au pair has no interest in the kids, the kids really pick up on that. And that can be really tough.
I should clarify that the shoulder to cry on definitely was not a nightly event for us, I was more throwing that out there because I know other HMs (no judgment) that would be horrified and not comfortable at all with that situation. I think a sign of a mature AP is one that sees their HM/HF and other HPs as peers rather than parents. Our last two APs have been great about this. With the current AP we talk about religion, politics, healthcare and of course cultural differences. She asks me for travel advice and I help her get deals sometimes (I have a lot of travel experience) and we discuss the complex beast that is the AP program. She also came from a family that treated her like the help (worse in my opinion) and asked her to go down in her unheated basement in Chicago during free time and holidays (Christmas!). Maybe before she came she would have been a little more distant and now she is so bonded because she appreciates what she didn’t have before – I don’t know.
My APs have borrowed my clothes, we have gone shopping together, I’ve helped fix their hair for a big date and doled out plenty of advice along the way (and every once in awhile they take it!). This is very much a part of the AP program for us. If I wanted a professional relationship we would hire a live in nanny and here, I could easily get that for the same or less than an AP so for us the AP program is definitely a labor of love and not a “cheaper childcare solution”.
Our APs are welcome to join us for anything we do. We also make it clear that we know it might be boring for them or they might have other plans and should make their own friends and plans. We don’t get hurt feelings if they don’t join us all the time but we also make it clear when we would (be hurt) like the once a year dance recital (June – current AP has already told the girls she wouldn’t miss it for the world ;) so I didn’t even have to tell her we would prefer she make it). We tend to just try to think how we were at that age – would I want to hang out with my parents on my birthday in my early 20s – no so we aren’t bothered when we hardly see them for their birthday weekend. Would I go see my little sisters dance recital – yes I definitely would so if they blew it off I would get ruffled and let them know.
In the past we have considered scheduling them for the big holidays (aka – Christmas morning, Thanksgiving Dinner) just so that if anything else comes up they don’t consider bailing out but we don’t really need them to work so we waffle on that one. I asked current AP and she said “if you don’t participate in those then what kind of cultural experience are you here for?” well said! – so I guess we won’t worry about scheduling those with this AP and will just watch it in the future.
There are definitely APs out there with the innate understanding that it is important to children( & families) that the AP bare witness to important events in there life, and in general just be there. Kids know when people are phonies, and they will behave much better for people they know really care about them.
Most of our APs had no problem accompanying us to see the big game/match, a concert or the big Pinewood Derby. Although we never insisted they attend we gave them a definite invitation that let them know it would mean a lot to the HK if they could make it. My family makes a big deal about these things- aunts , and grandparents come in from various states, and it usually becomes a multi-day extravaganza, Pople camping out all over the house, a lot of laughing, big dinners/ big brunches – board games around these events. We give plenty of notice, and rarely do they run into the late evening so the AP can usually go out after. Most of our APs would feel funny not being there and standing in to get their picture taken with the proud trophy pumping boy.
We of course don’t expect an AP to go to every game, or showcase, but we do expect and AP to honor any commitment they made to our kids. Our first AP used to promise to have a game night with the boys. They would get so excited about being the hosts-setting up the board, arranging the chairs, putting out snacks & making “prize packages”. Then the AP would get a text from one of her friends with a more exciting offer. She would bolt out the door the second we got home without so much as an apology or glance over her shoulder to the boys. We’d then have to deal with hurt feelings and disappointment and general grumpiness. This indifference really burned me up! We eventually (though not soon enough) went into rematch. In all our subsequent interviews we tell the AP candidates that if they promised the boys they would do something, then come hell, high-water, or even Lady Gaga Concert tickets, they must follow through.
Most APs joined us for meals when I cook on the weekends, or when we order in- and then met their friends later. I always enjoy introducing them to new foods, and the conversations that indue. On weekends, we always ask if they want to be woken up for blueberry pancakes ( or what ever), or left to sleep in. Sometimes they join us, sometimes not. Excluding our first AP, all the others have spent a decent amount of family time with us. They know they are always welcome to join us in the ‘community rooms’ watching TV (or whatever) -and that if we need private time we snuggle up in our bedroom.
We have relatives in a lot of cool places- so most of our APs have wanted to Accompany us. It is (usually) a great bonding experience for all. Usually it is the little moments of collaboration- the water balloon fight in the backyard that they ambushed Grandpa, or the six foot giant Jenga tower built at the local fair, rather than the big expensive ski trip that cements the relationship with our family. An AP who missed out on these family outings never achieves the pedestalled status of those who did.
@Momto3Americans
I think theire are Girls out theire who will fitt your needs. As a Former Aupair i will tell you what i think you should look for.
A new Aupair who already spent a year in the USA. Who knows how to work 45h. Also you might should find out which countrys are more close together. I mean iam German and evan iam really close to my family, we get a lot of freedom growing up and friends are just as important as family member. But theire might be different Cultures and iam sure some hostparents whil help with that who are more family like. I would think south american whould be good at that.
And then you can ask the old hostfamily if she was intereisted in spending some freetime with them.
When i was an Aupair i worked 45h with 4 Kids beetween 0-6 that was a lot to do. As soon as i got off i needed a rest and tryed catch up with my friends back home. We eat dinner together and i tryed to help with cleaning up. I never ask the Kids to leave me alone when i was off, i did not mind them in my room. Sometimes i went with them to outings. But most of the time i wanted to enjoy my life and spend as much time to explore the country with friends as i could. After a good weekend i got tons of new energy for the next week.
I second this, an extension au pair could be a good option as you will be able to get a sense of how she “fits” in a host family from her previous hosts. The AP will also have a better idea of how the whole AP thing works.
I’ve au paired for 3 different host families. At first when I was choosing between families to au pair for, being ‘part of the family’ seemed like a great thing. But now after having au paired for a German family keen on having an ‘older sister’ type of au pair, I would much rather au pair for a family who doesn’t require me to be ‘part of the family’. The kids were 2 and 4, so required constant supervision when we were out. I was never given the choice of spending my free time on my own…every weekend was spent ‘with the family’. For example, if the family was taking a weekend trip to another city, they just assumed that I would join without even asking me first. If there was a kid’s music concert on my day off, they would automatically buy me a ticket too without even asking if I wanted to go, and would get offended if I didn’t. If I wanted to spend a free night in my room on my own, the parents expected me to join them and converse at the dinner table. It even got to the point where I was told off by the mother for not being outgoing enough. When I attended one of the kids’ birthday parties on my day off, I was told that I hadn’t made enough of an effort to mingle with the other parents who were in attendance. It’s intimidating for me as an 18 year old in a new country to approach a bunch of 30 something year old parents and initiate conversation. Things like that just really made me want more of an employer/employee relationship as an au pair rather than having the added pressure of being integrated into the family.
I think being part of a family comes with time, and you can’t really expect to overwhelm a new au pair with family time 24/7 from the very beginning. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against integration into the family, it’s just that when you are in a new country part of the au pairing experience is to get out and have some fun on your own, not supervising toddlers 24/7 during ‘family time’. Let’s face it…I did not leave my own family to travel to a new country and join another one in order to care for their toddlers every single day of the week. It was getting to the point where the fine line between my work hours and family time was getting really blurred. The more the family expected me to spend all my time with them, the more uncomfortable I felt.
Maybe other au pairs would be comfortable with this, but I actually think the majority of au pairs with more independent personalities would not appreciate being expected to show up at all the kids’ events from the very beginning. I think being integrated into a family comes with time and familiarity, and sometimes host parents seem to forget that for us it still does feel like, and is, a job. When it comes down to it we are still getting paid to look after the kids, and in the end they are still someone else’s kids, not ours. Everyone needs a break from their work, so it just seems unreasonable and exhausting to expect someone to spend their free time with the children.
After 4 wonderful au pairs, I just lived through a year of meh. She was awesome with my youngest but made my life harder, not easier as I would expect given the investment we put into the program. Constantly going behind her and having to correct. Not fun for me (and she thinks I am a total witch to the point that girls who knew us through our previous au pair questioned her complaints about us as they had only heard awesome things about our family). Almost rematched early on but HF convinced me that I was over-reacting. Goes back to matching for girls are used to working hard and have common sense over those with experience and a good resume.
If this AP were good with my kids, I wouldn’t consider him ‘meh’… I can put up with a lot if my kids are happy & safe. (:-/)
NEW TOPIC:
We know a great AP who needs a HF asap and ideally through the Summeror. Fluent English. calm, solid driver, several months health and safety and nursing assistant training. Loves reading, is not a night clubber so would be happy in a rural area less popular with other au pairs. Also happy w city or suburbs. She’s a low key very nice non-demanding person. this could really suit a HF looking for an Ap to help them during the busy school year end, school summer break period. If you know of someone interested please ask the host to send a private message to me or somehow send me your contacts.
New Topic:
I’m looking for advice about how to address this with my host family, but also a reality check if I’m just being princessy or petty about this. I do all the cleaning in the house, including my host parents’ private bedroom and bathroom. I’m mostly okay with this at this point, except for the fact that my host parents never flush their toilet. And when you have excrement sitting in a bowl for hours until I clean it…It’s just nasty. I don’t enjoy cleaning the toilets to begin with, but I honestly find this aspect of it a little degrading and repulsive. Am I just being a princess? Is there anyway to ask my host parents to flush their toilet before I have to clean it? This sounds ridiculous, I know, but I’m ridiculously bad at bringing up this kind of stuff.
I do all the cleaning as well and have to agree with you, it sounds pretty gross! Do the children flush regularly or is it a family thing? It seems like a really weird and definitely awkward thing to bring up but maybe just politely asking them to flush more often because you have noticed that their toilet is becoming harder to clean.
Ok first off, in Europe asking the AP to do some “heavier” cleaning is normal, they would often ask you how do you feel about non child related chores, and match with you based on that.
What did the HPs told you during your skype interview? I.e. when they said they’d want you to tidy up bathrooms, did they mention to what extend you’d be asked to clean them? Or did loo scrubbing and cleaning private bedroom surprisingly got included into your list of duties after you arrived?
(provided you weren’t told your specific duties beforehand)
my personal advice to skids in the bowl: Don’t clean it, leave it. I’s disgusting. Are the kids old enough to use bathroom on their own? If so they are big enough to wipe the toilet bowl too.
All due respect, but the toiled thing makes the Family look bizarre in my eyes, especially the parents. I would never ask the cleaner(who, unlike a hypothetical AP, is just an employee and nothing more) to wipe s**t out of my toilet, I would be embarrassed.
parents bedroom + bathroom: the rule should be “you use it – you clean it”. You don’t sleep in their bed and wash in their bath, therefor they shouldn’t expect you to tidy it up. It’s OK to ask you to keep common areas of the house clean and tidy, as long as the rest of the family does it too and you take turns. But if you have no use of something it’s not your responsibility to keep it in order.
Hope things work well for you, if not, just start looking for another family.
This is disgusting, awkward and really really rude and disrespectful.
If you didn’t know that you’d have to clean their bathroom before you came. I would sit them down and tell them that you don’t really think that it’s your job to clean a room you don’t use and that it’s starting to make you uncomfortable.
If you want to continue cleaning their bathroom, I like the idea of blaming it on the kids but not to help them save face -because they SHOULD be embarassed about this- but to make it easier for them.
Honestly, in Germany we have toilet brushes next to every toilet -even in most public bathrooms. Also, we have what Americans seem to call “poop shelves” which make the poo in the toilet ten times as gross as it would be in the US. We are raised to not only flush but also clean the entire toilet with the brush afterwards if necessary. In no way shape or form have I ever heard of adults not flushing their toilet. The green thing seems very West Coast to me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not other Germans to stop myself from being totally embarassed about my heritage.
AmericanAP in Germany@ unless you knew beforehand (which I doubt – otherwise you would not post this question here) ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CONTINUE CLEANING THEIR BATHROOM if they leave “gifts” like that for you to flush and wipe. This is way beyond your duties, and way way way beyond non children-related duties. If you keep quiet about it, the Parents may think there’s a lot you’d let slip…smelly nasty loo first, and then who knows, maybe used sanitary pads under the HPs bed?
It’s probably a green thing. The problem with asking them to flush is that you are asking them to change an established habit. Just close it and flush when you go in, if you are ok with cleaning their toilet in general.
I wouldn’t ask my au pair to clean my toilet – I don’t want her in my bathroom! But I cleaned my au pair’s toilet this weekend while she was on vacation. I guess I don’t see toilet cleaning as disgusting as some people do.
American AP in Germany… it is the norm there for APs to do non kid specific cleaning so I guess u do need to continue to clean the toilet. I used to clean in college… a tip hold your nose, shut the lid and flush as soon as u enter. Don’t look!
Also as they seem to be people who are not shy or prudish. A prudish person would not leave poop in the toilet regularly… so how about telling them “hey can u buy stronger toilet cleaner…. there is always poop sitting in the toilet and the current detergent is not strong enough…. is it ok if I tape a note to the toilet with a flush reminder”
You know the personality of the people… depending on personality, just tell them to flush, or tell host mom “ooops your husband doesn’t flush. Every day/week theres poop stuck on the side of the toilet and it is very hard to clean…. could u remind him to flush”
That helps her “save face” … or visa versa tell him this if u have a more communicative rel’ship w him…. or blame the kid and tell the parents together that u think the kids r using their bathroom and not flushing and could they pls ask them to flush so it doesn’t take ages to clean and doesn’t stink the house, especially with Summer heat coming….
Otherwise use horrible strong stinky bleach and leave the poop in the toilet for them to see and a note saying “sorry about the bleach smell someone forget to flush so toilet needs to soak in bleach”
That might shock folks into remembering.
In our house little kids are known to use moms bathroom and forget to flush. Now u have me embarrassed thinking “oh no, if another adult uses my bathroom they will think I am a non flusher…!”.
Great suggestions on how to approach and let HM or HD “save face”!
It may also be a “green thing” re saving water (as it isn’t necessary to flush every time someone urinates in a toilet), although the phrase I have heard when living in drought afflicted California years ago was:
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down”
The green thing is a fair point I didn’t think about it :-) the only time I don’t flush the toilet to save water is when I empty ashtrays into the bowl. Numbers 1 and 2 have to be flushed no matter what :-)
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down” LOL!
Growing up we had an old temperamental septic tank. My Mom had a sign that said that in all the bathrooms, until we finally got city sewage in our area.
This is how I was raised as well!
I have a new question – when should I start the matching process for an early fall arrival? Our wonderful au pair is leaving to start university after her year is up this September. I’m thinking we’d like a late September or October arrival to give us a little break between. I know many of the Europeans come in the summer months – June/July/August seems to be a popular arrival time. So counting back three months from that, when I would assume most people would start matching for summer arrival, would be March/April/May!
I’m afraid if we wait to match until June, a ton of the candidates will be snapped up already and I’ll be left with mostly candidates that weren’t selected for summer arrival. Any tips on when to match for a slightly off-normal arrival?
I was going to say, that we didn’t have any issues finding candidates we liked at off times. But now that I think about it- we haven’t had the best of luck with out of country matching we had 2 rematches / 1 meh… so I got nuttin’
Keep in mind October arrival puts Christmas right smack in the middle of “the witching hour”. Maybe it’s coincidence, but the 2 out of country APs that came to us at this time we ended up rematching with. ( though no problem with the extension APs). I know other people have had no problems with this time but we have.
We’ve always had a late September arrival and it worked ok for our three, but it’s definitely not my preference. I wish we could get back on a better schedule, but I can’t think of how to do it. I should have rematched with my second less-than-mediocre au pair – that would have done it! Oh well.
You schould start now. Iam in some Facebook Groups and i hear often that they matched for September. Its much easier to ask an Aupair if she could come in Oktober when she is now avialible. Do not wait until July, the most of the Girls will be matched. Sure there could be new ones online, but good Accounts get matched really quickly.
Maybe you could go into the matching process mainly looking at in-country APs? An extension AP has already made it through a year, and would presumably then be less homesick around Christmas. Also, of you get someone extending for say only 9 months the time when you will be matching the next time round will have adjusted. The only downfall with an extension au pair is that if their fantastic you don’t have the option to extend with them..
Thanks for these! Good ideas. Guess I’d better start going! I think I will look at extension au pairs, but I guess those won’t come up for a couple months anyway?
By June you would definitely get some, I think the extension deadline for an au pair wanting to extend with a different family is roughly 2-3 months before her end date (speaking for CCAP here), however some would know and submit their application earlier as well. If you’re with an agency who allows you to see a few profiles online you can also casually browse those in case you spot anyone, I’ve seen au pairs who have profiles up more than 6 months prior to their ideal arrival date!
Good info – appreciate it!
Outlier here again. I do not buy into the “peak” time argument. I have talked to both agencies and they both said that there are candidates in the system all the time and that yes, they get rushes at the end of school years and whatnot but the countries have different seasons and yearends so the quantity of candidates in the AP program are remarkably consistent. What is not as consistent are the families. Families tend toward certain time periods – lots of January, June and Aug/Sept arrivals so the candidates get concentrated into certain timeframes at times. Meaning there are less arrivals in Dec but then a surge in Jan. We have had APs that have arrived in the US in Feb, Nov and Dec (all off-peak) and have not had a rematch. First we looked 2 months before, second we looked 3 months before and third was from rematch so we matched in 4 days (she rocks!!!). I guess if someone went into the process thinking they might rematch they might want peak timeframes (because 2-4 weeks after peak arrivals the rematch pool peaks as well) but we have found that the timing itself is an always moving target. Meaning even if you get on “peak” this time then say she wants to extend for 6 or 9 months – are you going to say no because it takes you off peak? We have had an AP get married (finished with us 22.5 mos vs 24 mos as planned) and a family emergency (finished 14mos vs 24mos as planned) and our current is on a Nov refresh cycle so you will all be proud of me – on the timing I have squashed my inner control freak and have decided to Let it Go! Let it Go! :) PS – our rockstar AP arrived Nov and another great AP arrived end of Dec (matched end of Sept) so there are great candidates year round and you might (gasp) actually have a better chance in off prime locations if you match off peak but you are prime so wouldn’t affect you.
Hey! My name is Monika and I want to ask you a question. I have some experience with children, but mostly with teaching them/helping with homeworks. Is that kind of experience not enough? Well I’m musician, and I’m looking for host familly for a while, could Host Mums say if the large experience is the most important thing?
Question to host Parents – what do you expect your AP to do when your kids have friends round? I’m an AP in Europe btw
Depends on the age of the kids. If they are 5 or less, to be directly involved, present during the playdate. If they are older, to be within earshot and paying attention, but not hovering. When they are out in the neighborhood playing, I would want her to be available but she wouldn’t have to stay out with them (we live in that kind of neighborhood, although not many people do in this day and age) Ideally, I would hope (since she’s on the clock) that my AP would spend this time doing other household tasks (laundry, cleaning kids rooms, her own room, organizing clothes, toys) but it is the rare AP who actually takes that kind of initiative (in my exerience).
Agreed with HRHM, but this will vary so much depending on the host parent, I would think. Prior to my youngest turning five, I wanted my au pair to be engaged with the kids on the playdate and be watching over them directly. Since they’ve gotten more independent, I would prefer she leave them to their own devices within earshot if they are playing nicely. Her role would also be to mediate if there are issues, suggest things to do if needed, etc.
Also agree that for all three of my au pairs I have asked them to use the time to do something else that adds value – my first was an organizer, so we would come home to organized playroom shelves, laundry done, plans for the week made, etc. So awesome. My second would throw the kids in the basement and sit on the couch texting any second she had a chance. Should have rematched with her. My current is a good mix – I don’t begrudge her the break, and I’m fine if she’s done with the things she needs to do and she sits down to check her phone if they are playing. But I trust her to put it down when the kids need her and to not be distracted by it. I didn’t trust my second one to do that.
But honestly, if you can find something to add value while the kids are entertaining themselves, if you have good host parents, they will be thrilled and will do anything to keep you. I would suggest attempting to spend most of your on-duty (paid!) time doing something beneficial for those paying you, which of course is more than just directly supervising children.
Has anyone had I ask their Au pair to make a plan for the week? My awesome loved Au pair (the one who is here now, but leaves in 3 weeks) never needed. She always had a plan.
My other ones seemed to be happy to sit and watch the kids run around the room all day. No initiative. And once I suggested: why not take the kids to library, that’s all they would do every day I suggested an outing.
My husband, being a teacher, wanted them to do a plan (like a lesson plan), of what they would be doing… Like: Monday:breakfast, get dressed, library, snack, nap. Afternoon craft, etc…
Is that too much to leave an hr a week and request that the Au pair work on a weekly plan with let’s say: an outing a day (we are members of museums, parent centers, etc), a creative activity (can be coloring, play dough, painting, anything. Nothing sofisticated), and some backyard/independent play time (weather allowing)…
Someone told me it is expecting too much, but I hate to go back to my kids just running like crazy around and throwing stuff…
I love that my awesome Au pair now is so good at having a balanced day for the kids…
I think it is a great idea! Probably because we do this with our AP, especially during the summer. :) And if your AP is on duty during that 1hour “prep time”, I don’t see how she can complain. You are making planning kids activities one of her duties. Totally reasonable IMO.
We buy those big desk blotter calendars (cheap – $5) that are like 24″ x36″, and have like 3in x 3in squares for each day, so that multiple activities can be clearly listed. My kids are older (age range from elem to high school) and they are required to take part in the planning with the AP. Then the kids who like to draw decorate the calendar and put pictures along with the activities (animals on zoo day, books on library day etc.). So making the calendar is in and of itself a craft/project!
We did this in the summer. The kids and AP compile a bucket list of everything they want to do in the summer separated under categories of sunny weather, rainy weather and ‘Big’ ($$). Since we already put other obligations , camp, appointments etc on our master family calendar, we then put the AP in charge of fitting in 2-3 of these activities a week- making sure not to put all the ‘Big’ things into the same week. As they complete something, they cross it off their bucket list. My boys are very different, when there is an activity not appropriate for both, the AP schedules it during a time that the non-participating HC is elsewhere. This way they both get exclusive “fun time” with the AP and neither feels like the other is “ruining their summer”.
I’ve never been asked, but we had a big black board wall piece in the corridor and I was writing down some events and stuff I’d have forgotten otherwise, mostly birthday of people I didn’t really know but had to encourage the child to write a card beforehand, things that were not a routine, and my own plans so that everyone knew which evenings I was busy. The black board had a massive advantage too – the kiddo was big enough to write down his own things and what he would like to do and when :-)
I’ll say it again – Cozi! I think asking this is super reasonable, our current AP works 45 hrs a week and always has plans. She put everything in the Cozi calendar (as do we) and it’s worked great. As far as the OP, I think it’s totally reasonable and now that we’ve seen it done will definitely ask future APs to run with it as well.
I’m not a HP but you also have to take the culture you’re in into account. Different cultures view different things very differently. Being unsupervised, spending time with kids of different sex unsupervised, being around water unsupervised etc. Also depends on the age of the child obviously.
To be honest I’m curious more than anything! I’m normally expected the play with my hostkid and her guest, but this can be a little tricky when my hostkid doesn’t want to! Still, it’s interesting to see what other HPs (and APs!) think.
“My” kiddo was older so whenever we went out with him and his friend I just supervised them and made sure that are playing safely, interacting occasionally, but most of the times they were ok on their own. Whenever they were in the house I usually went to another room to tidy up, set up laundry ect., while they were doing their own thing.
In addition to the above: clean up after the kids or make them clean up! Playdates are usually messier than normal days in our house as the visiting kids don’t know/follow the house rules about keeping food in the kitchen, etc. That was one thing that really rankled me, was when our AP would have a playdate with another AP’s kids and leave this huge mess.. ugh! I’ve had to talk to her about that twice, but since then I think she got it.
So True!!!! Whenever we had playdates, my son &friend would decimate his room.
Hi, I’m fairly new to all this but I’m hoping to be au pairing in the US this summer.
I wanted to ask about what sort of meals your kids typically enjoy that your au pair might prepare. I was hoping to expand my repertoire of kid-friendly meals.
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