When Host Families hear about Au Pairs in trouble, we often try to help.
Host Families sometimes get some early, insider information about Au Pair – Host Family relationships that are deteriorating. When the Au Pair in question looks like s/he’s getting a raw deal, it can be tempting to offer to step in and help.
You might want to counsel the Au Pair (or other Host Family), contact the LCC, offer the Rematching Au Pair a place to stay, or even — as in the case below — offer to take on the Rematching Au Pair as a second caregiver for your own family.
The impulse to try to help is laudable. We need each other to care, to offer assistance, and to help us find a respite when things fall apart.
So why is it, as in this case below, that the Au Pair Agency isn’t willing to work with the interested Host Family so that they can save this Rematching Au Pair from an uncertain fate in the random rematch pool?
I wonder if the Agency knows something that the Host Family doesn’t.
Maybe the Rematching Au Pair’s situation isn’t as dire as she’s told the Family.
What do you think?
We are a host family, and we currently have a wonderful au pair from X. She is wonderful, and so are her friends.
Recently, one of her friends arrived here from X, and is with a family in a nearby state.
Our Au Pair has been giving us tidbits of information about her Au Pair friend, and the not so welcoming family she is with.
Yesterday morning, she told us that the family threw her friend out of the house quite late at night, among other things that have been happening, we are pretty horrified. They rationed her food, didn’t pay her the full amount, on her days off, she is not allowed any of the family’s food. Constantly cursing and screaming at her etc. It paints a fairly grim picture.
I reached out to my liaison woman, to offer her the girl to come and stay with us until she finds a new family. As our Au Pair had previously told us the woman in her area are really good friends with this family.
In fact, the night the family threw her out, she called the liaison woman, who said she would have to find alternate accommodation that night, and could stay with her the following day. The Au Pair explained that she had no money and no where to go. Eventually, she called another Au Pair, that she had met a few weeks prior, and went and stayed with her for the evening.
This is where it gets slightly weird. The Agency and the Liaison haven’t given me any answers. It’s like I’m being stonewalled: the Au Pair hasn’t come to us, and wants to come and stay, but it’s being made awkward, not outright forbidden though.
We did say that we would hire her as a second Au Pair yesterday evening, and get rid of our secondary daycare altogether. Considering that the two au pairs are friends already, it would possibly be an advantage for everyone.
I cannot get someone to speak to me on the phone– I’ve only gotten simple text messages. This morning being “AP is not infant qualified. Would you still like the information regarding a 2nd au pair?”
(We have a 6 month old, and a toddler.)
It’s as if the Agency wants her to go away.
We don’t know a lot of people who have Au Pair, are we overthinking this? It all seems very shady, and absolutely awful for this young woman in a foreign country for the last ten weeks.
Image: Hole in the Heart, by Elton Harding on Flickr
{ 33 comments }
I am not an aupair in America so I am not 100% sure on the rules but I didn’t think a family could just kick you out. I thought there was a two week rule or something?
There are rules, but that doesn’t mean 1) that every HF follows them 2) that the AP feels safe with the HF or 3) the HF feels safe with the AP. In this instance, I suspect the OP has not been told the full story. She only knows what she has heard via her AP.
We are currently housing an AP, who when she told her HF that she wanted to go into rematch, tells us that she was told that she had to be out first thing in the morning. She packed and left immediately – our LCC tells us she would have been better off waiting for her LCC to meet her in the morning. She was not the HF’s first rematch AP and the HF had been kicked out of another agency for rematches. As a long-term HM (I’m weeks away from 15 years of hosting), I always suspect that the truth lies somewhere in-between what I’ve heard from my AP and her friend – although there are times when I know I’m housing a dud who should be sent home ASAP.
You want to be helpful and supportive. You want to show your good/great/perfect AP that you are a warm and welcoming HP who doesn’t believe in APs being stranded. In my 15 years of hosting, I have taken in:
– an AP who told my AP the truth that she had been kicked out – but only later did I find out it was because she slugged her teenage charge. She later stole $80 and a new digital camera from my AP. I still wonder if she took another else from our home
– a sullen teenager who left immediately after her family told her they wanted to go into rematch because her depression had got in the way of effective care for their toddler. She could have been goth, she left such a black cloud in our house. I wasn’t sorry that she went back home, just that it took so long for her to make shipping arrangements to retrieve her keyboard from our AP’s bedroom
– a sweetheart whose HF was working with their third agency because of constant rematch. The AP immediately engaged with my kids while living in my house. Our LCC worked really hard to help her find a rematch family
– an AP from another cluster whose HM told her that her shift started when her tween charge woke up, not when the HM went to work (even though the AP, as the adult-in-charge, was trapped in the house). Frustrated because she had no time to take courses, and because her HM, a psychiatrist for a military base, was constantly getting called out and asking her to come home in the evening, she went into rematch. We housed her and represented her to interested HFs because our LCC knew (through her LCC) that the HM was so angry at her life being thrown in disarray that she could not have represented the AP fairly. The AP was a little controlling, and we let potentially HFs know it.
And the current AP we are housing? She’s an interesting person to whom to talk, but we haven’t really seen her engage our teenager. As someone who has been told that we would be happy to act as representatives to interested HFs, you’d think she’d extend herself a little with our children. We won’t lie to any HF’s that ask to speak with us. We know what we’ve been told. We know that it’s half the story. We know what we see – and being an interesting person doesn’t necessarily make for a good AP.
My guess is that if the agency will not let the AP come to stay in your house, that you do not begin to know half the story. Explain to your AP that you have done your best, and neither your LCC nor the agency is being forthcoming, and while you’d love to help, and your help is not wanted.
The agency cannot even consider placing a non-infant qualified au pair in your home, even if you were to promise that she would never care for your little one. The question in the text seems to be if you’re interested in having a second au pair so that you can stop with the secondary daycare or if you were thinking of this possibility only in the case of this specific au pair.
I suspect that you may be hearing only one part of the story, but we just don’t know. The pp is correct that families cannot just kick out an au pair, but if they are going to leave the program and don’t care about a refund they might do it anyway. The question is why. They may really be the mean people the au pair says they are. Or she might have chosen to leave, or they may have been a misunderstanding. However, the agency can’t legally discuss specifics with you about another family, just as you wouldn’t want them to ever discuss your family. There could be something going on that makes them hesitant to rematch the au pair, too, and they might be looking further into the situation. We just don’t know. It’s very nice that you want to help her but since you must have infant-qualified au pairs, this seems to be one situation you can’t do much about.
If the AP is not infant qualified indeed and you have a 6-month old baby, there is no way you can host her as your second AP due to the Department of State rules.
If she isn’t IQ qualified she can’t be your AP per State Depth rules no? I thought I read that here. And you have at least one under 2. If I read that correctly I have to agree with the agency not giving you all the info. They should provide a potential new family with the facts, but as kind as you are, I can’t see a compelling reason fpr you to get the HF’s dirty laundry. ..or this AP’s. And I do think it is at least possible that the AP isn’t giving your AP any less flattering parts of this story.
We’ve also housed local APs in rematch and there are always details that all parties are leaving out, especially when the story is retold by others within the context of a cultural divide. We’ve been lucky that there have been no serious negative consequences for us, but it happens. I think TACL is spot on with her recommendation and I agree that it’s best to not push the issue of having her come stay with you, while still offering her your support and encouragement.
Getting kicked out of the house is pretty serious. But something tells me that you are getting only one side of the story. I have no doubt there are terrible families out there. As a matter of fact there was one in our cluster recently. The family was kicked out of the program and the LCC (who is really the only one to know both sides), went through great lengths to place the au pair in another family.
But in your case, unless you hear both sides of the story, I would hold judgement and would not jump into rescue mode so quickly. As people mentioned, the infant qualification is going to be an issue, and I would seriously question whether or not having two APs who are already really good buddies with one another is a good option. It might sound great, but I could also see some challenges (wanting to be off/vacation at same time? If one is unhappy, she might easily taint the other, etc).
I’m sure this *is* only one side of the story, which is a useful thing to point out with regard to wanting to hire this AP. But I do think that pointing that out, useful as it is in some ways, sort of ignores the fact that there is a young woman without much protection in a foreign country, and the people who are supposed to be protecting, and are paid to do so have left her with nowhere to go – for at least one night. And now, a concerned bystander is being ignored in her queries for more information, and there’s some suggestion that the young woman’s “protector” is personal friends with the people who chucked her out.
No one here knows what has happened, including me, but it is perhaps a good example of a place where more transparency, or even a whistleblowing number would be useful. There needs to be someone to report this stuff to – because an investigation into exactly what’s going on here might turn up that the LCC is doing exactly as they should and AP is making things up. Or it might turn out that the LCC is neglecting a poor AP who’s been kicked out for no good reason and left terrified with nowhere to go. If the former, everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and there’ll be no damaging consequences, but if the latter, that’s something that needs to be looked into!
I think lots of people are coming to this from the perspective of good host parents who would never abuse the AP they’re hosting, and who don’t see a motive for bad behaviour. That’s an excellent thing. But actually, I have lived through a terrible, abusive situation, with no apparent motive. I know other people who have as well. I know APs who’ve been melodramatic and claimed that their HF “kicked them out” because they were told to shape up or go home – but I have known APs who’ve been taken advantage of, emotionally abused, sexually harassed, underpaid and the list goes on. I’m in a place where no one has agencies, so I presume this stuff is stopped much quicker with you guys! But if the agencies don’t safeguard their APs, that’s a serious problem. And I do worry when people who are concerned are offering help, and asking for information/investigation, and they’re being ignored or brushed off. It might be nothing, but to me it’s a red flag…
The way I understand the situation, the emergency housing has been handled. Pee the AP it was handed chaotic but it was handled. So the issue isn’t if the AP should be on the street, it is if she should be with this family.
You’re right. I was conflating the issue of “without shelter” and the issue of “we would welcome this au pair to stay with us”. Of course, if the former has been sorted out, the latter could well be justifiable. (If the AP has been unsafe around children, the agency could well be keeping her away from other families, but keeping the details confidential.)
I do still think that, although it’s important to wait and know the full story before hiring/judging, the idea that an agency worker could be blocking this AP’s transition into a welcoming family because they are personal friends with her first family, is pretty horrifying. There is no evidence that this has happened, but no evidence that AP is lying either. So I still think there should be a sort of higher up that you can call in this situation, to explain what’s happening, and be told either “this AP will not be placed with another family”, “this AP is not suitable for YOUR family (not IQ etc)” or “… This AP should be being placed with another family. You’ve expressed interest, so we don’t know why this is happening. Let us look into it.” Just ignoring the calls and giving no details is a pretty big red flag for me of a kind of “let this go, don’t follow up, we’re not interested in dealing with this attitude”. (Years of landlords not wishing to deal with their broken down boilers etc.) Usually, if you’re not getting through, it’s because they know there’s something wrong, and they want you to give up without having to deal with you. Confidentiality does not block all forms of communication. Even the phrase “that’s confidential” tells you that there’s something going on, and the issue isn’t being ignored. I guess what I’m saying is, I understand why the OP is concerned.
It’s also very possible that whoever the OP reached out to had no authority to respond or needed to vet a response with someone, hence the delay. While I agree that they should have responded with something, sometimes radio silence is the best you can do in some situations.
Our first year hosting, our AP was in touch with an AP in another state who was from the same country. The AP was with an abusive family and forwarding her emails with the agency to our AP, seeking advice. They rationed her food, screamed at her, and occasionally locked her in her room overnight. I saw the agency’s side and the AP’s side and the agency only cared about convincing the AP (who spent $5-6k to become an AP with this agency ) to accommodate the HF. I’m sure this isn’t the case in all situations but the young woman was isolated in a rural area with no one nearby to help. She eventually found out that the HF had been through 5 other APs that year because of family disfunction and the dad’s “anger management problem” (the agency’s words, not mine).
My parents offered to pick her up and let her stay with them for her two weeks or even just to get her out of the house. She decided to stay with a neighbor because the HF threatened to have her arrested if she left town. She was probably also afraid of staying with strangers again. The AP made some mistakes herself but this was an abusive situation and she needed a responsible adult to help her escape it.
I understand the “you haven’t heard the full story” thinking, but sometimes the situation really is that a vulnerable person is in trouble and no one else will help. I don’t know the answer but I’d probably offer the AP in question a way to get to my city (pick her up, buy her a plane/Megabus ticket, etc.) and tell her she has a safe place to stay if she needs it while the other issues are sorted out with the agency.
My APs have known several other APs who were in a two- or three-AP situation. It sounded like that was generally difficult and most of them seemed to rematch for some reason or another. Maybe that would be an interesting topic? The exchange student organization we hosted high school kids with a few years ago advised families against hosting 2 girls but encouraged them to host 2 boys….
I do think you are hearing only a small part of this story. Are you in the US (not sure, with the reference to the “liaison lady” instead of LCC, AD etc). My understanding is that LCCs are mandated to take in any AP of that are thrown out by the HF or of for any reason, the HF can’t keep the AP for the 2 week rematch period. If this LCC really did this, then I suggest the AP call and report her to the agency.
The other part of the equation is that if AP’s not IQ, the agency cannot let you have her. It’s pretty simple as I’ve come to find out this week with our own situation.
Finally, you must be a really kind person
Sorry, hit submit to fast. But you must be a really kind person to be prepared to student another ~$25k on a 2nd AP. Do you really need another 45 hours a week? Not to be judgemental, but that’s like 90 hours of childcare. And for only 2 kids..? I have seen families with 4+ kids with 2 APs but not with just 2 kids. Even if you need 60 hours a week, that’s just 15 extra hours and even at $20/hr, way cheaper than $25k a year..
Just my 2c
As an LCC, I can say you have likely only heard one side. Recently, one of my au pairs, who was in transition and working through her 2 weeks, texted me at 6 am telling me to pick her up, that she was done. She worked 4 hours the previous day and said it was her right to decide if she had to work for a family or not. As is the rule of our agency, she was paid an entire week for those 4 hours. She proceeded to tell everyone she had been kicked out, even though the family knew nothing of it until I called that morning. Other families contacted me telling me they’d heard this through their au pair, but that wasn’t true.
I will tell you this–when an au pair is in trouble and we hear about it, we LCCs go on full alert. I’ve had colleagues who have gotten out of bed at night to pick up au pairs who were kicked out, housed au pairs over Thanksgiving and Christmas, we scramble to do whatever we can when there is a need. I would suggest that if an agency is not actively helping you, there is much more going on behinds the scenes. Just like any HR situation, agencies cannot release all information, though my agency has a goal of full transparency for anything that can be transparent.
If there ever is an LCC who is not helpful, au pairs and hosts families should absolutely report it. Sometimes, however, au pairs are more open with other LCCs and families then they are with their own LCCs. Sometimes, they unintentionally are unsupported. It’s best to report and trust we’ll do everything we can for that au pair!
I have taken everyone’s comments on board. Hiring her now with no infant qualifications is a moot point, as it cannot be done.
Her LC is not forthcoming with information, not calling back etc, as per the agency’s confirmation.
Is she telling the truth? I doubt I’ll ever know, yet, I do believe the general gist of the story, as our ap didn’t just spring this scenario on us, it was ongoing that we knew this was happening.
The family did refuse to pay her, and as of today; finally gave her the wages.
The reason I did believe her, is because I’ve had friends who worked as au pairs, and received similar treatment, so it wasn’t that shocking to me that it was happening.
She was kicked out of the house, the agency did agree & she stayed with another AP for the evening. That’s as far as the information as I know, regarding the truth of the LC not offering her a place to stay that particular night, I’ll never know.
This wasn’t us prying, or wanting to involve ourselves in someone else’s drama. It was out of genuine concern, for someone in another country, with no money, and no family/friends to turn to.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you are a busy body. I know that your intentions are good. I agree that APS can be vulnerable and it’s wonderful of you to stand up for her. What I mean is that the agency will be privy to some really person info and it would be unwise for them to not have policies in place on what they disclose to whom. I think AP Paris makes a good point that there should be some outside oversite, but I don’t think that other HFs are the oversite. Not that you shouldn’t report possible issues, just that from a global perspective I see why the agency, in general should not provide details to HF or other community members not directly involved. I’m curious who one should contact if one suspects program abuse. My guess would be the Inspector General for the State Department? But, I have no idea and IMO, both APS and HF should be told this because if the agency were complicit in program abuse it puts especially the AP at huge risk and probably risks the program overall in the long run.
I don’t think anyone doubts your real concern! And I’m with you for much the same reasons – I and friends have been treated in similar ways before (incl lack of payment – I never did see my last three weeks’ salary with my abusive family). It’s amazing what people will try to get away with if there are no checks – which is why it freaked me out that you say her HF were close friends with the agency rep.
But yeah, I think it’s wonderful you’re trying, even if in the end you can’t materially influence what happens.
I will add, that the agency are not keeping her from rematching, and are actively trying to find her another family. So fears of her being unsuitable to being an AP, are not a concern.
The agency did tell me, that the reason the host family gave for rematching, was extremely flimsy.
The one thing in this story that concerns me is that the LCC is friends with the family. So, weather she means to or not, she will be susceptible to believing what the HF tells her over the AP because no one wants to believe unflattering information about a friend. I have seen this before where the LCC is friends with the HF, the AP is being treated poorly with obvious rule violations, but the AP isn’t allowed to rematch because whatever the HF says is taken as gospel.
Not to totally discount the relationship between the LCC and the HF, but one of our rematch APs said the same thing about us and our LCC and actually filed a formal complaint against the LCC stating that the LCC was being unfair to her because she is best friends with us and so was naturally taking our side. We have a good working realtionship, but we are not friends as the AP had stated. (The unfairness was the LCC agreeing that she needed to pay the $500 phone bill she ran up, among other things, because our handbook clearly states our policies about phone use and the LCC was there when we went over them again after giving her a new phone when the LCC was there for a home visit.)
It seems to be a fairly cut and dry issue to me. This AP is not infant qualified, so cannot be in OPs home per State Department rules. Since OP is not a potential HF for this AP (or even an option for temporary housing) by virtue of that rule, OP is not likely within the category/ies of people with whom the company can (or should) discuss the rematch situation or otherwise provide details. Nor does the OP have any legitimate firsthand knowledge that the LCC/agency would need to get from OP – from what has been said here, it’s all what the OP has been told, which is not proof of anything (not suggesting there are any untruths here, but in my field, if you didn’t see it or hear it yourself, it’s not considered personal knowledge).
While the intentions of the OP, as represented here, are good, it does not seem like there is any real reason for the LCC/agency to obtain information from, or share information with, the OP.
This is why I like CCAP and I believe APC sure this as well. Anyone can see the transition document. I actually sometimes read them for fun ( weird I know :-) )
Not weird at all ;)
I read them too!!
Great to know that I’m not totally weird. I really cant stop myself :-), its like my leisure reading.. hahahahaha
Ah, she is staying with us now; until she finds another family, or has to leave the country, as per the terms of her visa. Strictly as a guest, and not in a working capacity.
While it is always hard to know if someone is telling the truth, having met this particular AP, I would find it extremely difficult to believe she fabricated the story, due to her very sweet nature. If she’s playing a con, she should try and look for a job in Hollywood. ;)
The agency said they think the HF just wrote an excuse, for the sake of having to have an excuse to the treatment.
I do believe this is one of those cases, where the family had her work 60+ hours a week, held wages, rationed food, and treated her appallingly. Yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if they had another AP next week.
I doubt the LCC intentionally put the AP in this situation, or willfully ignored it, yet found herself in the ‘rock & a hard place’ scenario due to the friendship.
At the end of the day, I know this isn’t really my problem/concern. Yet, if my own daughter was in another country & treated like this, I would hope someone would help & not question if she somehow deserved this, or brought it on herself. The majority of AP’s, that we have known, are very well educated and practiced in their own fields before coming here, simply as a means of seeing the world.
Circling back round to this conversation, as I’m currently hosting an AP in rematch whose HM kicked her out. This young woman has been in my house for nearly two weeks, and quite frankly, I could not – in good conscience – recommend her to another HF. I’m in a snow-bound family, and could not imagine this young woman willingly going out to sled with children, kicking a soccer ball, or doing anything physical. The most effort she has made in my house is to make cups of tea. Can you tell I’m done? I tried to intimate to her that while I wouldn’t accept her offer of money, she needed to pitch in on the running of the household. I think she has done dishes twice (both with the help of my wonderful AP) and chopped onions once. She is capable of engaging and pushing my high school student, but quite frankly, that’s what I see her suited for – driving a carpool run and helping a high school student – not exactly the majority of HF.
Even my wonderful AP is ready to have her own room back.
I’ve hosted tons of rematch APs in my day, and none have stayed this long. Today my AP and I had an explicit conversation and we’re both agreed that this woman is not really suitable to be an AP. Her LCC won’t take her in. At what point will the agency just make her buy a ticket home? (I suppose this wouldn’t be such a big deal, except 6 of us are trapped in the house after a snowstorm and DH is teleworking, so after I shovel snow, I find the quarters a little cramped. Color me ready to go back to work and ready to live in a house with one wonderful AP and no guests.)
Thank you for letting me vent. I’m only human.
!!! Sometimes you can tell straight away that people aren’t cut out to be APs. My HF always had the *next* AP come for a (paid) visit with the former AP, so she could meet the kids, and the AP who was used to it all could show her around, take her to class etc. When my replacement came, she spent a week sitting on the sofa to watch me fold laundry, do the dishes and help with homework. She was meant to shadow me, but she didn’t want to get up early for the school runs since I was there anyway to do them…
My HF didn’t ask me about her – feeling that it would be awkward and unfair, I think. I got the strong impression that they preferred to make their own judgments, so I kept mine to myself. And they came home and all the work was done as usual… But when AP took over from me, she only ended up lasting two weeks. :( I wish I’d said something, but I really think they (reasonably) wanted to know how she’d fit in with the people who’d actually still be there, rather than the judgments of an AP who’d’ve left… I still feel guilty though.
I wonder if this young woman signed up for the AP program because she didn’t really have anything else to do. My guess is that she’d just be wasting away in her parents’ home if she weren’t an AP.
Sometimes I read this blog and just want to go home and hug our AP.
“Her LCC won’t take her in>”
I didn’t think this was optional. Maybe some of the LCCs on the site can weigh in, but my impression was that part of the LCC’s job description is housing APs in transition for up to two weeks as needed.
In addition, the SD regs are crystal clear – once she has been off the payroll of her HF for two weeks, she needs to be in another family and on their payroll, or she needs to be sent home. There is no mechanism for her to linger in your home on unpaid vacation. J-1 visa holders lose eligibility after two weeks without a host. Period.
You need to bumpt this up the food chain at your agency. Her LCC is resting on her laurels because you’ve assumed the function she’s being paid for. You can bet that if the AP was in her house, she’d already have a disposal plan in place.
Her two weeks ends tomorrow. The AP had thought that the LCC would take her in after this weekend to buy her a little more time, but she won’t. I’ve contacted my LCC, who is a goddess, and will start moving the homeward bound process forward. I’ll give the AP until Sunday to match or be on a flight (although I’d prefer she was out on Saturday because I’m hosting a dinner party – and although my AP will be working until The Camel falls asleep around 8 pm – she’s such a rockstar that we were going to offer her a place at the table. I would rather not feed her friend – but DH will tell me I’m being petty).
Oh, and it wasn’t the LCC’s fault. The AP removed herself from the household and was in the process of jumping ship to mine before her LCC had a chance to respond. The AP was not in imminent danger (not like the OP’s rescue).
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