“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt
As human beings we have a fundamental need to evaluate ourselves and our situations and the only way to really do that is in reference to something else. In fact there was a study done on this in the 1954 that actually proved it and coined the concept known as social comparison theory which changed social psychology forever. I’ll give you the Cliffsnotes version – it doesn’t do you any good to compare yourself and your situations to others and adding my two cents – if you are an AP it definitely doesn’t do you any good to compare your host family to another and most definitely doesn’t do you any good to then tell your host family all about it. Sigh. Thus the following email from a frustrated hostmom…
“Good Morning AuPairMoms!
My question is related to my Au Pair comparing my standards and her work duties to those of her friends’ host moms. We spoke with our current (our first) au pair a few times and emailed her our au pair handbook before she accepted us as her host family to be transparent and so she knew what she was signing up for. We have 2 kiddos 15 months apart and when she joined our family the youngest was just 3 months. Overall, she’s amazing and she is a rockstar with the kiddos.
I guess my most recent example has to do with the upcoming Memorial Day holiday. She would like to travel with one of her friends in the area that is also an au pair and asked if she could take off Memorial Day. My immediate response was “Of course! That’s plenty of notice, but that will count as a vacation day for you”. She looked at me like I had 3 heads and said “xxxx’s (a fore mentioned friend) host parents are just giving her that day off. So my response was that my husband and I would think about it and get back to her.
I guess my point is that I don’t know how to approach this for this specific situation or for the future. Our handbook vaguely covers her specific vacation time:
“You will be entitled to 14 days of paid vacation during your time with us: 10 days during the week and 4 weekend days. We do not mind whether you take these as a single vacation or several shorter periods. Please give us at least two weeks advance notice of when you would like to take time off, especially for longer trips. If you can give us more notice, even better! “
My concern is that we have a different family makeup and different needs from our au pair than her friends’ host family has. I just don’t want to be compared to them all the time.
So what can I do to work through this with her? I’ve thought of asking her to work an extra hour each day during the week to help us out. I’m just wondering if I’m being too strict or if this could potentially lead to her thinking she can have other holidays off in the future if her friend’s host mom does the same. And, on a grander and more important point, will I always be compared to the other host family? Help!
Sincerely,
Constantly Compared Hostmom”
How should she (or should she) address these types of comments from her AP? Should she give a freebie holiday only because another family has done so? If she does, is it fair to add the hours back into the rest of the week? If she caves this time will it perpetuate future comparisons and requests for perk matching?
{ 14 comments }
I thought Memorial Day is a public holiday?
While it is a federal holiday, that doesn’t guarantee anyone a day off … except most federal government workers.
Au pairs in the US do not get any holidays, federal or otherwise. Instead they receive two weeks of vacation time. In the two-week orientation with my family as I make sure to explain to the au pairs that they are not entitled to any holidays and they should not expect them, but if their host family does give them a holiday off at some point they are to be appreciative and think their host families for the extra time off and their generosity.
If I had off for a federal holiday, so did my au pairs. But that is the norm in my area. I would check with your agency person to see what the norm is for you. While no one likes to be compared, it is inevitable. With kids under 2 years old, I would hold on to an au pair who does a good job. Sometimes that means compromise.
I would not cave in on this one. No two host families are alike, you should explain to her that she does not get federal holidays off by default and that her friend’s host parents likely have different work responsibilities that allow them to give her extra time off. End of story. You shouldn’t have to rearrange your schedule to give her the time off unless she takes a vacation day. I’d make an exception for a rockstar AP at the tail end of their year, but that doesn’t sound like your situation. We almost always make our APs work on holidays because we need to work or because we use those days to work on the house, have a lunch date, etc. You will be compared to other families but that is just part of the experience for an AP, they get to learn how diverse families in the US are by hearing how their AP friends have it different. You should try not to be bothered if she compares her experience to others. Our AP has friends who are with far more affluent families, have a fancy au pair car, get taken on lots of vacations but those perks often come with downsides (host parents work very demanding jobs, inconsistent or odd hours, etc) and our APs have all been able to see the good and the bad in their friends’ host family situations. On a related note, APs we’ve hosted don’t either fully read or retain the info in their handbook. You have to keep reminding them of stuff like this—try not to get frustrated, just say that you need to work therefore she needs to work or request vacation. Remember that the au pair is here to fit into your family, not the other way around.
It is true that one shouldn’t compare different au pair assignments; however, I would also say that only giving 2 weeks off with no covered holidays may be a bit restrictive. The majority of workers in the U.S. get 2 weeks of vacation AND 5-10 days of paid holidays. Especially if you didn’t need her on that day, I would have given it to her or negotiated her hours later that week. Being a Host Mom can be challenging with balancing the rules to knowing when to be flexible. If she is a good fit for your family, you want to encourage her to stay or she may just leave when it comes time to extend.
I’m not sure this is so. Many businesses staffed by the 18-25 population are open year-round, and for many those bank holidays count against their total 10 days.
I work most bank holidays (Labor day, MLK day, etc), but not Thanksgiving and Christmas – so my AP works then, too. We have had the “it’s a day off for X family” question/complaint, and just say that isn’t so for us. I do *try* to give extra time off every month as a bonus and occasionally gift extra vacay days.
I also have AP work Thanksgiving morning so I can cook with my MIL, then give her Friday off.
While this may be true for US workers that are in their careers, when I was a college student I did not get any holidays off or paid vacation time. That did not come until I started my professional career later.
To answer the hostmom in the email – I think my reaction in this scenario would greatly depend on whether or not I was actually working on memorial day or needed her help. If I was working or needed her help I would just explain to her the situation and tell her that if she wanted to take it as a vacation day I would hire a babysitter to cover for her but it would definitely have to count.
If she is a rockstar au pair like you say and I didn’t really need the help on memorial day then I would use it as an opportunity to be generous and reward her for being a rockstar! Little things like this can go along way in your hosting relationship but in either scenario I would sit down with her and have a very candid conversation about how these types of comments make you feel.
I’d say something like “You are amazing and we really love having you as part of our family! I talked to the husband and we figured out a way to make it work so that you could be off Monday to travel with your friend and we are not going to count it as a vacation day but I need you to understand that will not always be possible and this was an exception. I know your friends’ family may have different policies but we are not your friends’ family and frankly it’s frustrating to be compared. Imagine if we had an awesome au pair before you and we regularly compared you to her – how would you feel about that? We offer what we can as a family and every family has different pros and cons but we are who we are so I’d really appreciate if you’d just ask as things come up but spare us the comparisons.” Unless you don’t want her to ask for exceptions (I always tell mine to ask as much as they want as long as it is not expected and I end up having to turn them down pretty regularly but they’ve always handled it great). Small exceptions like these during the year really help your au pair feel more like family IF and only if you can accommodate them without hardship.
In this case I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and because you are a brand new host family she might also think that it’s her job to “educate” you and she might think all families give off holidays or your LCC might not have set a proper expectation there. This is the perfect opportunity to reach out to your LCC and ask her to remind the entire group that they DO NOT get holidays here and any time off would count as vacation time. At least that’s what I’m going to do later today now… ;)
+1!
I’m In my 7th year and 4th au pair. Our au pairs have all worked 45 hours per week. If their day off happens upon an American holiday—good for them, but that is happenstance and not by design. However, they can request a day off as a personal vacation day as they wish with notice. Some of our au pairs have even preferred to work Christmas to get more time off for New Year’s festivities. Their choice.
For every family with a sweeter set up, the au pair will run into au pairs working in horrific circumstances. My standard answer is “that’s nice for your friend” and leave it at that. If the au pair wants to have a discussion, she needs to be direct and say, “I would like this adjustment….” one once asked to only work x to y hours without any weekends to match her friend’s schedule. I said no because it was unrealistic for us. She pouted briefly until the other au pair was sent home abruptly by the host family. There is also the idea that you do not have to change your family dynamic to accommodate the au pair’s whims. I highly suggest rule following, notice and transparency. If those reasonable conditions are not desirable, there are others who will gladly abide by the advertised rules. I make it clear that we are happy to discuss anything, but that the house booklet details how we’ve successfully navigated to this point.
All that said for this in summary—there is no obligation to give 2 weeks plus holidays. I do not.
Good luck.
When we were a 2 working doctors family we were very upfront about the fact that federal holidays mean nothing to us: we work if we are scheduled to work (we are not federal employees) and so does the AP. It used to be a struggle to have even one parent off for Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years, let alone both…!
But APs ALWAYS seem to have some friend AP whose HF is having a BBQ party with open bar for Memorial Day and they always just assume that they will have federal holidays off. They also always seem to have a friend who has EVERY imaginable holiday off, a luxury vehicle to drive, exotic family vacations during which they won’t have to work… etc.
Being compared to other families is inevitable, and always annoying. After 11 APs in 12 years of hosting I have come to realize it is ultimately just a test of the AP’s maturity: Mature APs (age irrelevant) understand that different families have different situations and accept that they agreed to the terms of the family they joined. They are also able to see the advantages of their own situation and realize that some of the obvious perks of their friend’s situations often come with less obvious downsides; not to mention that they have friends who have none of these perks and quite challenging family situations.
Now that I work very little my APs have become the ones who get all the days off because I have the flexibility to give them extra days off if I want to. I still set the expectation that they work 45 hours per week, but in reality they rarely do.
Still, how much extra time I ultimately give them off depends heavily on how I perceive their work ethic and how helpful they actually are when they are working. More helpful + less complaining = more time off.
My last AP (who stayed 2 years) was the best AP we ever had, and I would have (and did) give him anything he ever asked for. I have no idea how many extra vacation days he ended up getting because I never felt the need to keep track. In the 2 years he spent as out AP I never refused him anything he asked for, and he never abused his privileges (part of why he was the best). He was truly part of our family (two month long visits just to hang out with us in the year since he left…) and I would still give him anything he ever asked for. Our current AP is decent, but he does only exactly what I tell him to do when I tell him to do it (and usually only with several reminders) and I feel no particular urge to give him any extras since he barely completes the minimum job requirements.
The realities of our situation re: your work hours, your AP’s relationship to your family and their work ethic will determine how you deal with these situations. It is one of those subtle but critical give and take things. I would never recommend standing on the principle that “They MUST work 45 hours per week, and I will invent 1 hour of work for them if they are 1 hour under” since it is not in keeping with the spirit of the program and just generates ill will. But at the same time your needs (within the bounds of program rules) are what they are. If you need help from your AP during regular working hours then you need their help. You are hosting an AP to make your like easier not harder. They are nor exchange students, working is part of the deal. As much as some APs seem to think that this is “their year” to have some sort of fantasy adventure, they are only given this opportunity because you need their help. If you didn’t need their help they wouldn’t be here. So don’t feel bad if you need them to work on Memorial Day or whatever. Other families are other families. They are with your family and as long as you set clear expectations you shouldn’t have to change just because other families do things differently.
Our LCCs/Area Directors have been very good about stating that au pairs should not expect federal holidays off. I’ll add that we do schedule hours for major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas too. It helps us when we’re cooking and cleaning as well as avoids resentment when AP waltzes in for a holiday dinner, only puts their plate into the dishwasher and disappears again. Other minor holidays, we will have an early date night or enjoy errands (as much as they can be) without kids in the afternoon. However, we almost never use weekend hours and have fairly rare evening hours.
I am a first time host mom (long-time blog lurker) in an area that has very few au pairs. I live in Montana and my LCC lives in Utah. I don’t have issues with my au pair comparing her situation to other au pairs, but how much better her family home in Spain is. My home doesn’t have a pool. Our fire places are tiny. Our patio doesn’t have a gazebo. I have tried to explain that everything that we have is direct result of only me and my husband working and it is different than living in Spain where family all love together and contribute their income to the overall estate, but it’s not sinking in. She has a way of putting down things here in the US just enough that I can’t call her rude, but it usually starts with, “In Spain, ..” or “Well, my family..” It has only been a couple months, so I mostly just answer the same way I do with my 4 year old showing me some bugs he has in his hand. “That’s nice.” Or “Okay.”
I feel that sometimes American families are very strict and not will to be even a little flexible when it come to the number of hours and days off.
I’m Au pairing in France and the rules are not the same here but I think that the feeling is the same when it comes to holidays. If the parents work during that day , I work, and if they don’t I can ask for that day or help with the kids. It is never a given on either part, they can ask me specifically for something like taking care of the kids like a normal day or tell me that I have that day or part of it for myself.
What I like about my family and allows this exchange is that they actually enjoy spending time with their kids, they actually know them and if they have a day off they will spend it as a family. That’s it. I have met Au pairs where this is not the norm and they have to work all through the holidays and extra time and surprise babysitting evenings and the resentment it breeds is palpable. We all know that family that has no limits, control or patience and uses the Au pair to escape from actually dealing with their kids, ever.
As Au pairs We know we are under contract, we know it is our job, we are just humans and would like some rest as well. We know you have jobs and you are tired and that you like sleeping in. But if every major holiday and weekend it happens, and we don’t get even a little give we end up just as tired and much more sour towards our bosses than you.
Comparisons happen, it’s human nature. Some families get super Au pairs some Au pairs get unicorn families. Most just learn to communicate and compromise. I would tell you that if you have the day off and she especially asked for that day and has done her job with quality and efficiency you should give it to her. You would like to have the same courtesy at your job or even better you would like that treatment for your kid if he/she ever became an Au pair.
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