I’m not thinking about Nanny Cams that host parents can use to watch their au pairs during the day, but hidden cameras that watched us host parents when our au pairs weren’t around.
What behavior of yours would a nanny cam catch?
What things would you be proud of, and what things might embarrass you?
This question popped up for me as I was reading a mombloggerfriend’s post on transparency in marriage, and the cost of keeping secrets.
While *obviously* you’re not going to have the same level of emotional and psychological intimacy, trust and disclosure with our au pairs as with our parenting partners, the idea did make me wonder about what we do or say when our au pairs aren’t around, and how that matters.
The most stressful thing, for me, about having an au pair is the idea of having someone else around who in fact sees so many of these things I’d rather no one know about. If she’s paying attention, she’s heard me yell at my kids, she’s seen me eat nearly an entire box of Thin Mints on my own, and she knows whether or not I’ve actually gone to the gym.
There are things that I’d like my au pair to be oblivious to, things that I’d really like to keep private. And, for the most part, these private things have little to do with my au pair or my relationship with her.
What is more significant, though, are my au pair specific comments and actions.
I’ m sure that I’ve rolled my eyes and complained to my DH that “she left the damn air conditioner on ALL DAY, while she was GONE!”
And, I’ve carefully shaped my responses when one of my daughters has complained that our au pair wouldn’t let her do what she wanted and thus was being mean. I’ve hidden my case of Honest Tea in my office so she won’t even know I have it, much less drink it without me. Who knows what else.
If you were to put a nanny cam that your au pair could watch when she’s not around, how much do you think your behavior might change?
Would that be a good thing, or no?
See Also:
Would you ever use a “nanny cam”?
Sabotage your Au Pair’s Authority: 3 Easy Ways
Don’t break your own childcare rules
You’re on candid camera from andrewodom
v2.26: March 26th from Phoney Nickle
{ 51 comments }
Inviting someone to live in your home is the psychological equivalent of having a nannycam on 24/7. We learn to live with that. This is our community. In some ways, a nannycam is a lesser violation of privacy. If I saw an aupair picking her nose ( and in most cases I think that kind of thing is the worst thing most of us would see ) who is going to know about it … she is far from home and who would know or care ? But nieghbors might gloat if they hear nasty little stories about family squabbles or even gossip about them !
Actually, when my APs mimic my behavior toward the kids, I cringe. It’s like having a Nanny Cam in replay. For example, I get extremely frustrated when I feed The Camel something she usually likes and she just spits it out endlessly. I speak to her rather sharply, which works to control the behavior, and I usually only have to do it once or twice. However, I’ve recently heard my AP saying some of the words over and over, in my tone of voice. Yikes! So, now, when I’m about to say or do something, I try to stop myself, and think, “Do I really want to see this in replay?”
TACL, I wish my personal “pause” button worked better, as I surely don’t like to see things in replay, either-LOL. It really makes you sit up and take notice when you hear the au pair using some phrase or an abnormally harsh, for her, tone of voice, when talking to the kids–unfortunately I know where she picked that up from (as I do when I hear the preschooler using an inappropriate word that I have probably said on occasion). Would that we could always make them “do as I say, not as I do!”
Yes, absolutely, there have been times after a long day at work where I realize how impatient and crazy I sound and I think that I would probably have to fire my AP if she talked that way to the kids. Well maybe not quite fire but you know what I mean. I wouldn’t be happy about it. Luckily she is way more low-key and calm with them than I am!!
I’ve seriously been thinking about getting a camera. My kids are 13 & 9. My 13 year old just called to tell me that for the last 3 hours she has been making her lunch (which is always quite a production and is only food for her – not the kids) and then talking on skype. He and his brother have been outside playing. Now, not that I expect her to always play with them (they are doing sports drills) she should be outside engaging with them and monitoring them. She could also be doing their laundry, which hasn’t been done yet this week, cleaning up their dishes, etc. When I ask her about it she will say it’s not true and she was doing something else about them.
It is always their word against hers. I confront them all together and they all stick to their own stories. I know sometimes I’ve caught her lying because she will get very nervous. Sometimes, I know my kids are lying to cover for themselves. It’s just always a battle. I don’t really care what she’s doing when she’s home alone. There are times I would want to check to make sure her boyfriend doesn’t come over and I don’t have the ability to check in sporadically. Other than that, it’s pretty much to see what they are all up to and make sure they are doing what they’re supposed to – ALL of them :)
The fact that this has happened many times (seems like it from your post) would make me rematch. She’s lying to you, your kids aren’t too happy with her, I say it is time to cut your loses. I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to do in the middle of the summer but this sounds like you’ve tried confronting her and it’s not working.
I agree with Steph. This isn’t nannycam worthy. She needs to do what you say or go away. Period. You and your kids deserve someone who does their job!
I live with a nanny cam every day. Its degrading. I know I am working with little kids and its hard (and sometimes dangerous) to trust in a “stranger” but … yeah whatever.
*deep breath*
If you think about using a nanny cam go into rematch. Its not working out and nobody feels good.
I agree, I once had a Nanny Cam company president (with my first nanny) talk me out of getting one because she said i already had enough information (from a neighbor) to know that it was time to move on. If you already know there are problems, don’t bother with the camera. Which, for the record, I don’ know I could do. The thought of coming home and having to watch that every day freaks me out. I think you can find out a lot by paying attention to details and having relatives or friends check things out. This is of course much easier when the kids are talking!
Dear Jennifer,
I was an AP who rematched because of nannycams. I didn’t know about them when I matched with the HF, but after a month they told me. In that moment I asked for a rematch. Having a stranger in your house taking care of your kids can be hard, but if you decide to have an AP you should be ready to trust her. Or at least tell them since the very beginning that you have cameras. Even we can be used to be monitorized in our work places, the HF house is also our house and we like to be relaxed and not thinking that a camera is recording everything you do.
As a mother and as a person you probably have feelings about when something is wrong or someone is lying. So I think the best you can do is talk to your AP and see how she reacts and if you keep thinking she’s lying then rematch.
I wouldn’t want to watch the nanny cam when I’m having a migraine! You’d see me on the pull-out bed in PJ’s with a pillow or blanket over my eyes and the kids glued to the TV in a comatose state.
I hate that she knows how often I don’t shower before going to things. Like, I’m in PJs and a ponytail, run up and in 5 minutes back down with make up, deodorant, clothes, and “fancier” ponytail. :) Even my husband doesn’t know how rarely I get a full shower and get ready in! :)
On the topic of this + the last post. Having an AP when bringing home baby 3 was really a huge transition. Your body is just a mess and when there is no company, you will have any number of bodily fluids on your shirt from you and / or baby. Sometimes for, ahem, more than one day in a row. And you are too tired to care or fix it or sometimes notice…but she’s not. Yikes!
It’s also tough for me how she seems to get out the door with all three kids with me, but I’m always frazzled and a mess, running back for 3 forgotten things and sweating by the time I’m finally out the door! These are the things no one usually sees. I know she loves, me but I wonder if she thinks I’m a crazy lady at times…
Well, yes, when you are postpartum you ARE crazy! Hormone fluctuations have that affect. :-) And when you have any child under 1 year old and you’re trying to maintain some semblance of a career, not to mention feed and clothe the rest of your pack regularly, your brain is going in so many more directions than your AP’s — well, it’s just amazing to me that things go smoothly as often as they do.
The other guilt-reducer I’d like to share is that some people are just better at the planning/tracking skills than others. If you have an AP who’s good at that stuff, you are very ahead of the game. Pat yourself on the back for being smart and skilled enough (and lucky) enough to have corralled such a person, and delegate!
Take joy in your talents and let others be good at the other stuff. It takes a village to get a family out the door.
One point nobody has yet made, is about the security breach having a young, and often trusting and naive woman in the home when a parent is not home during the day.
Fortunately, I have more-often-than-not been (by lucky circumstance) home, when an aggressive solicitor or religious missionary comes to the door notwithstanding the “no solicitors” sign at our gate, and I have been able to diffuse the hard sell to get in the door…(There are all too many stories in the news of some salesman coming in the front door while a co-conspirator distracts and thieves, at least where we live.)
Beyond that, there is the concern of an au pair, eager to make friends and connect with people, inviting “friends” into the house. No matter what the rules, or how great the au pair has been, we have always had some breach of the house rule that HD and I are introduced to guests to our home and informed when someone will be present.
The cautionary tale is of a neighbor whose au pair was home alone in the house for the weekend and had “friends” come over to pick her up. While she was upstairs primping, the “friends” waited for her downstairs, and meanwhile looted the silverware, jewelry, etc…..
Wouldn’t a security camera have been nice??? Me votes YES
wasn’t the question about nannycams for HOST PARENTS? I think most of you are going off the topic here and giving reasons why you would need a nannycam for an au pair…hhmmmmmm
how cute, an au pair telling host moms to stick to the topic ON THEIR OWN BLOG.
I read au pair forums, but I don’t dare tell them what to talk about.
And once again with the condescending comments. This “with me or against me” attitude gets really old and is very counterproductive.
Agreed, and by the way, I’m a HM.
haha.. yeah when I tell aupair to never feed the kids junk .. then I’m feeling weak and want a few minutes to surf the internet in peace and quiet, so I let the kids eat ice cream for mid morning snack…
I think my AP constantly makes me be a better mom because I do want to model how I want my kids treated. Admittedly though, if our AP had a host parent cam set up when she went on vacation, she would have seen a HM who LOST it with some naughty kids and raised her voice to a level that seriously never happens when the AP is around. I guess I just let it out. I am not proud of it, but I heard DH tell one of the kids the other night that he better behave or mommy might get upset and yell – and he did so guess my episode left quite an impression.
I wish this would be true for all host families, that because they know someone else is there, they would at least try to be good role models for the au pair.
In one of my host families (the only one I left early and went into rematch from and I au paired in 3 different countries for 2,5 years) the Mum knew full well I was there. Did it make a difference in how she treated her children, even in front of me? Unfortunately not. They would still be shouted at and slapped. She had no problem coming to me first thing in the morning saying “I just got up and slapped DD1”. I stayed longer than I should have, for the children’s sake but I realised eventually that I can’t make a difference (I tried, I spoke to both parents very cautiously but HM eventually had a screaming fit at me for trying to talk to her about hitting the children. Dad was on my side, though). I sometimes wonder whether she would have acted differently if she could have seen herself on camera once.
I agree with Host Mommy Dearest, no need for a camera since having an AP already tempers many behaviors. You learn to take a deep breath when your kids are driving you up the wall and you tone down the arguments with your spouse. I’d say that in the end, it does make me a better parent, even through I will also admit having “lost it” a few times. Now the pregnancy is making me SO tired, I have very little patience and the timeouts are coming out more often :-)
Totally agree with you and HMD on this one. I said it on this board once at my beginning, when my first AP arrived. That a side benefit i had never considered was that I was the mom I wanted to be or the mom I claimed to be, because someone else was watching (and most likely copying). At that time, someone told me I couldn’t “keep up this charade” forever, and that it would get exhausting. But it wasn’t being someone I wasn’t, it was just being the best version of myself. Of course, my AP knows me now, and I have gotten crazy more times than I’d prefer. But I still think I’m the best version of my self more of the time. And that is a benefit that benefits us all.
I have been known, in a frustrated moment, to drag a whining kid off to his room and firmly plop him on the bed. I also will say in a very mean way in a kid’s face, “Now just STOP that!” I flat-out told my AP that sometimes I deal with the kids in ways I’m not proud of, that I lose my patience, but that in the end I am “allowed” to do that and she is NEVER allowed to do that. I told her that I am embarrassed that she sees me that way occasionally, and I appreciate her feedback (at another time) as to how I might better handle that. And I used it as an opportunity to praise her patience and ways of handling the kids. But I felt like I had to SAY “I can do these things, you cannot” just to be sure that I wouldn’t worry that she would act that way with my kids.
I think the worst one ever was back when my third child was about 1.5 years old. Kids were fighting. I told them to stop, sit down at the kitchen table while I finished dinner, and _shut up_ _quit fighting_ and _stop screaming_. I hear lots of screaming behind me, fighting, squabbling, holler at them to just _stop_. Then My oldest tells me that #3 is bleeding. I didn’t believe her, so told her to just be quiet. _dead silence_… Not believing the silence, I finally turn around.. Blood everywhere. #3 had fallen and hit his head on the table and needed stitches. One of my best Mother of the Year awards.
One of my favorite au-pairs tells the story of the night that my husband was putting kids to bed, and she hears my husband scream, at the TOP of his lungs… “Daughter 2, why the F@#$ did you $hit in the sink!?!?”.. She says she slowly shut the door to her room, turned up the music and died laughing. She was so glad it wasn’t her who had to deal with it.
LOL Dartha on the ‘mother of the year’ award! My daughter is old enough that after I behave in some awful way she can enjoy it when I make fun of myself.
OMG Dartha, I can see why your husband lost it on that one, and great move on the APs part, time to retreat LOL! Isn’t parenting glorious at times?
All my au pairs have said that au pairing is a great form of birth control, after being an AP, they are happy to be young women with no responsibilities for a little while!
That’s what I always say: Forget the pill, becomean au pair ;)
Now I definitely know that I don’t want kids for the next 10 years or so =D
I’ve had more than a few au-pairs who come and say at the start of the year that they want to go home, get married, have kids. After a few months here, most of them say they want to wait at least 10 years. I call it the world’s best birth control.
LMAO, with tears running down my face! How old was daughter #2 at the time?
She was about 5 at the time.
This is the same child who burned out the motor in the ceiling fan in my room flying from it, has gone swinging from the chandelier, and more.
Please us tell more about this! How funny!!!
I have one child who is not like the rest. She is about to be in fourth grade, but she has very much kept us – all of us- on our toes. It’s not that she’s badly behaved, just very creative. I really feel badly for her that gravity does apply sometimes. (like when she fell out of the tree in the front yard and scraped herself silly)
Mine would have to be raiding the refrigerator. I love left-overs and will often put a lot of things (salads, veggies, dips) in little containers in the fridge. When it is time to eat, out they go all over the counter! I would hate for anyone else to do that besides me as I am like a mad scientist mixing & arranging things. I clean up everything (including the fridge) afterwards… This is my domain and I make sure everyone is taken care of!
My AP would see me indulging in junk food when my kids were asleep. I rarely allow my kids to eat sweets/ice cream/junk good in general, but I have a ridiculous sweet tooth! So she went see me making multiple scoop sundaes and shoveling in Doritos by the handful! Luckily, she gives me the free time to work out and burn it all off! LOL.
Sometimes I wish I had a “Mommy Cam” so she could know how many hours I’ve been up in the night with ear infections and teething, holding baby’s body and soul together so that everyone else can have 9 quiet hours of sleep.
Of the many, many au-pairs we’ve had, only one has gotten up in the middle of the night to help with a crying child. Dh and I were so grateful for that. I don’t think they have any idea how often we’re still up with kids in the middle of the night. It can be so draining.
While I am sure you were grateful for the help, I don’t think you can really complain or begrudge an aupair who doesn’t get up in the middle of the night to help with your children. This is the price you paid when you chose to become parents.
I don’t begrudge the au-pair that- I don’t expect them to get up in the middle of the night. But the point is that the never see the kids up at 2:00 AM throwing up, or sick or whatever. Sometimes we’re bleary-eyed and exhausted and the reason isn’t totally apparent.
– Something the “mom-cam” would catch, that they never see otherwise.
Uhm…
I’d not say it’s the price of being a parent, however I’d say that I think some times Host Parents don’t get a thing: being an Au Pair is our JOB, as much as we learn how to love your kids, and hell knows how much we do (at least most of us). So wake up int he middle of the night it’s like your boss knocking on your door at 2AM to ask you to do something to him. How happy would you, parents, be?
Host families understand that it is not part of an au pair’s job to care for crying kids in the middle of the night, and all reasonable HFs would never expect that from their au pair. However, I think darthastewart’s point was simply that it was just an incredibly nice ‘extra’ thing that her AP did that obviously was very appreciated by her host mom. Similarly, I’m sure there are instances where host families do things for their au pairs which aren’t required or part of the ‘job’ of being a HF, like taking your AP to the doctor’s and going out to get medicine, tissues, etc when they’re sick or picking them up at 2am when the AP unexpectedly needs a ride home. All definitely outside of the ‘job’, but nice things to do nonetheless.
Before one of The Camel’s potentially fatal medical conditions was diagnosed, she had a classic crisis of her disease. My AP was the only person who could calm her down as she writhed in pain, and she sent us to bed, and she rubbed The Camel’s back for hours. Perhaps she already felt like she had been rewarded – we had just visited The Grand Canyon for Christmas, and 100% of her expenses had been covered and the hotel & meals of her best AP friend were also 100% covered. Plus they had been given plenty of time to explore on their own. But it was absolutely necessary (because we were at the end of our rope), and we were extremely grateful (having a PICU nurse as an AP was fantastic for everyone in the family). Two days later The Camel was hospitalized in critical condition at home, and went through three more crises before her disease was diagnosed and medically treated. And it was the horrified look on my AP’s face that led me to fight our pediatrician and have her hospitalized each time.
My point is it works both ways – and if your AP is there for you when it’s “not her job,” then it’s your job to make sure she’s rewarded. But APs also need to recognize that while they do the bulk of the work during the day, we parents often take 100% of the responsibility for our offspring at night. (Actually in our house it’s “Saint HD of the Middle of the Night.”)
I think as HP or Aupair you can either take these not-part-of-the-job things point for point or as a general give and take. I find the general give and take works obviously better when both parties have an understanding of it. It is sad however when one party thinks its a general give and take and the other pulls out the “I did this for you, and I deserve something for it”.
Taking a Computer Lunch, I always look forward to your posts.
I don’t think anyone here said they knocked on their AP’s door at 2am to get her to help with the kids, nor do I think any HP is sayin it’s ok to do that (is anyone?) but I think HMs are saying APs would see that if there were a “HF cam” on us. When my kids were newborns/babies, I bought a big a$$ box fan for the AP room and had her run it on high at night (facing away from her when it was the chillier months) so the white noise would block out any extremely loud night crying and screaming. I would always cringe and ask if she heard the screaming or woke up and miraculously the fan worked. It was so important for our AP to be able to get a good night sleep – especially if she had a 9 or 10 hour day ahead with a 4 m/o and toddler. I hated leaving my little ones to go off to work, but admittedly I took some time at my desk at work to mentally recover from the relentlessness of mommyhood.
Well, I cringe to admit that we actually do have a Parent Cam- actually 2 of them. We put out two web cams in the house so the grandparents (who could not ever figure out a web cam on the computer) can log in and watch our little girl go about her day to day routine. The cameras are in plain sight and, in theory at least, can be turned on or off at will. Well, rarely do we remember to turn them off, and if we do and forget to turn it back on, invariably we get a phone call asking what happened.
It’s a good and bad thing. Good thing is grandparent units can watch our little one grow up from 2500 miles away. Bad thing is that it has audio too, so I’m sure they’ve been privy to some interesting conversations. My husband also forgets to put clothes on and has given my mother an eyeful from time to time.
The grandparent units also appreciate my housekeeping efforts more when they come to visit. They have the unfortunate knowledge of knowing how destroyed the house can get when one person gets sick or I have to spend extra time meeting a work deadline.
They also comment on how great I look in person, because OH MY do I look terrible on camera!
I thought at first it was an invasion of privacy, but really it has turned out OK. So what if the grandparents see the house disintegrate, hear a few curse words and wonder if I’m ever going to get dressed on a Saturday morning? But, at the same time, when little one (or any of us) is sick and camped out on the couch, we get calls and emails of encouragement- and even got a care package! By letting them into our daily lives to see the good bad and the ugly, I really feel it has brought us closer.
I also now know I’m a pretty boring gal these days, so unfortunately, for us, there is no money to be made in the reality TV business. Shucks , all that transparency and no fame and fortune…..
I find it kind of odd that my HD has no problem bickering to HM whenever I’m home. It’s also quite awkward when I’m upstairs bathing the kids and I can hear him going at her from upstairs. I understand that married couples right, hey I even fight with my parents back home too, but isn’t there some form of common courtesy that should be in play here. I wonder if he even knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel. It happened again tonight and I just let the kids play around in the tub for an extra half hour because I felt so awkward coming back downstairs!
I have to say, I think it’s unreasonable to expect your HPs to reserve their arguments for when you’re not around–you LIVE with them. We argue in front of our kids, and if the AP is truly going to be part of the family, she will inevitably see some of it. We don’t have knock down drag out fights in front of her (or, usually, ever, and if it does get heated we table it or get away from everyone, esp the kids), but yeah, she sees our frustration. She also sees us apologize to each other and the kids.
I totally agree about common courtesy but what are they supposed to do–ask you to leave so they can argue? Would that be more courteous?
I think as long as they aren’t including you in the argument or trying to put you in the middle of things, then you are a little off base in expecting them to never fight when you are home.
I get upset, yell and get over it. Quite frankly, in the heat of the moment, I am not thinking about who is home at the time.
Well, we can’t tell how bad the quarreling is from your post because we are not there but I have observed over the years that some aupairs have an unrealistic view of family life. Parents have problems with each other, kids argue with each other and kids argue with parents. This is a fact of family life. It would be nice if you could drop in on a set of Father Knows Best or Leave It To Beaver for a year
although it is doubtful that familes of moderate means would have engaged an aupair. I do think it is good to hear your thoughts , though. I think it is always good to be reminded that neither kids nor aupairs like to hear host parents bickering. No arguing is a great ideal to put on the New Year’s agenda. I think it is unrealistic but it never hurts to have a reminder – raises our level of sensitivity. I
feel for the woman in this situation.
“Of the many, many au-pairs we’ve had, only one has gotten up in the middle of the night to help with a crying child. Dh and I were so grateful for that. I don’t think they have any idea how often we’re still up with kids in the middle of the night. It can be so draining.”
I have so much respect for my HM who is up at 4:30am with her crying 11 month old each morning. I honestly have so much more respect for parents after being an AP. It’s not the same watching your own parents, I feel like I get to see parenthood through the looking glass as an AP. On another note, I care about the children I look after and when that adorable baby is crying – no matter what the time is – I just want to pick him up and make his sadness go away. You haven’t got the greatest AP if she doesn’t care enough to cuddle a crying bub, whether she’s working or not. AP’s are part of the family and that sometimes means going the extra mile!
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