Happy Monday everyone!
In case you missed the PBS special last night on the au pair program (and weigh in by our fearless leader CV who I thought did a fantastic job!) here is the link to watch that and as always, happy to hear your thoughts on the special.
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/have-au-pairs-been-exploited-as-a-cheap-source-of-labor
Secondly, I wanted to leave the comments open and ask for suggestions on topics! I want to make sure I am posting topics that are relevant and providing maximum value and commentary! If you have a situation or suggestion you don’t want to post below you are welcome to email me directly at texashostmom@gmail.com. A few suggestions I am kicking around currently to get your suggestive juices flowing or just in case you want to vote/prioritize these ideas are things like “how to include your AP as a family member”, “what exactly does cultural exchange mean”, “how do you balance AP inclusion and HF privacy” and “psychology of the end – last couple months and returning home”.
Can’t wait to hear your ideas! Let’s get the conversation going and see what we end up with!
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Ali and CV did a great job representing the au pair program/host parent perspective on the PBS segment. Kind of perplexed by the statement by labor activities Ai Jen Poo that “We’re talking about a workforce that’s working incredibly hard and still not able to make ends meet doing this work.” when au pairs have all their basic needs covered by the program and have their stipend to cover all the extras like vacation travel. Au pairs are in a short-term, youth-only, exchange program – it’s not a career! But on to the topic at hand…
I would love a discussion on how to provide safety guidance for au pairs without interfering with freedom. The U.S. is far safer than many of the countries where au pairs come from and it can create a false sense of security. I’m concerned about things like exposure to rufies/ghb and safety with online dating. There have been a few horror stories in my PNW city and yet it’s been hard to get some of the au pairs I’ve hosted to seriously consider strategies to keep them safe (like always tell someone where you’re going and who you are with, never leave your drink unattended, etc.). I want to respect boundaries as these are young adults but I’m also the host parent and feel a tremendous amount of responsibility. Have other host parents been effective at conveying this message? Is it something au pairs have to hear from their peers?
Lena – we sit them down and have the conversation…. “we’re not your parents, you’re an adult but we ARE responsible for you in some ways….” Then, we go on to explain that although they’re entitled to their private life, for their safety, it’s important we know at least the basics or who they’ll be with.
We run them through the basics… watch your drink, always have a buddy, don’t go anywhere alone with men you don’t know, stay away from the military bases (seriously), be careful at college parties, and that they always need to have their phone on them, and someone needs to know where they are and who they are with.
We’re not afraid to share the horror stories of recent AuPair experiences or teen abductions into sex trafficking, or explain why they might be targets.
On that note, we also talk about their personal safety as well as the safety of our children. No boyfriends/men around them, always have close eyes on them (abductions, child trafficking, etc.). It’s a very real problem and they are some of the most vulnerable. Of course, there’s a lot more that goes into it, but our APs seem to understand we’re looking out for their safety. We also always tell them that no matter what, if they are in a dangerous situation or uncomfortable, we’ll come and get them or get them a ride. It’s happened. We’ve had that 3am phone call, and we were all grateful we’d had the conversation. We know they’re likely going to drink under age, party, meet up with guys etc. We just ask they try and make smart choices, be safe, and if they get into a bad situation to get out or call us. Having those heart-to-heart conversations and sharing what’s happened to other APs and that we’re here for their best interest has gone a long way to build trust. They know we’re “big brothering” them, but they also know we care, and they can trust us.
And I agree – I’d love to have an article about this, and the dangers out there (that some of us might not even be aware of) and how to educate our AuPairs on those!
I’m curious to why they need to stay away from military bases.
Agree that Ali and CV did a great job. I couldnt help but be SOOOO frustrated that so much of the story was focused on the unusually bad experiences of those two APs who have my sympathy, but who have remained illegally to work as nannies by the way! Makes me angry that this great program that has been so wonderful for our family and our three APs could be damaged rather than better monitoring leading to kicking out bad host families.
I’d be interested in a discussion about balancing AP inclusion and HF private time. And, with a week left with our current au pair, who has been really good, I’d be interested in a discussion about the end. Currently, she’s in that saving every last penny for travel month mode (eating us out of house & home and likely stashing away food for her journey), spending every possible moment out of the house saying good bye to friends and neglecting tasks that were routine just a month ago. I get it but still driving me a little nuts. I would enjoy a post about life lessons that host parents have shared with their au pairs.
I’m with you Mom2jack. We’ve had great au pairs but the last month has always been a bit rough. I’ve always sided with trying to be more generous and forgiving given the good times we shared, but I would love some broader discussion about how to make that last month a more positive experience for everyone involved. Due to the inevitable “senioritis” that emerges in the last month, I really don’t like to overlap my old au pair with my new au pair. I feel like the new au pair might pick up on some newly emerging bad habits of the old au pair….. Ack!
Oh I LOVE that idea! (Life lessons go both ways – things APs have taught HF and vice versa).
And I’m with you PhillyHostMom it frustrated me too that the au pairs in the story stayed illegally and agreed to work additional hours for more pay (against the rules) and then complained that they didn’t get paid extra vs admitting it was against the rules in the first place and they put themselves in a situation that left them with no recourse.
I also got fired up listening to the reference to “poverty” wages when others have mentioned – they have no bills!!! You can hardly say au pairs are living in poverty when they have private rooms in a host family’s home full room and board included! I know many families that don’t have $200 extra free and clear per week! I’ve had several APs save thousands of dollars and go home and buy cars, pay for school, travel for weeks all over the US etc. Doesn’t seem like someone making poverty wages would be able to do any of those things!
Now, with that having been said, I am equally frustrated by families that give the program bad press by asking au pairs to work on the side for their businesses, asking them to work overtime with or without extra pay, watch their friends kids and otherwise do whatever they want in spite of the program rules. Au pairs are in a vulnerable position given that we sponsor their visa and provide the roof over their heads so we as host parents have to take the high road and follow the rules!
I’m all in favor of tighter requirements and oversight of host families. It’s critical that au pairs return home having had a positive cultural experience. Negative experiences lead host families to leave, au pairs to post online and rant back home, none of which grows/improves the program. :(
Thank you, Texas HM, for taking this on! I’ve been reading this blog for many years, but this is my first time posting. I would love to see a discussion about how to decide when it’s time to rematch. We’ve been hosting for 5 years and have only had 2 rock-solid, stellar au pairs in that time. In the years it hasn’t gone well, I’ve tended to struggle with the rematch decision until it was absolutely unbearable. I am approaching that decision again with an au pair who has become impossible to please, but I worry about what the transition will do to my young kids who suffer from anxiety and don’t deal well with change. I’d love to hear the wisdom of other host parents on when and how to make the rematch call.
I will give you my two cents now. If you find you dread being around her, and dealing with her issues is taking up space in your head, then it is time to rematch. I I have been a HP for 10 years, and I’ve noticed some girls have impossible expectations. It isn’t worth the drama. We have rematched twice, and both times found someone better within a week.
I agree with Something Clever. APs are supposed to make your life easier. If there isn’t a net benefit to your family, then it is time to rematch. I KNOW it is hard. I have had 7 APs in 2.5 years, and transition is hard (various reasons, mostly out of everyone’s control). My kids have anxiety too, and I will say a badly fitting AP can add to the anxiety level in the house. If you aren’t happy, sit down and have a 2 week reset meeting. If things aren’t going well after 2 weeks, pull the trigger. Nobody should be miserable in an AP/HF relationship!
When I have rematched, I never regretted it. Just getting all that bad energy out of the house, and having hope for a new, better arrangement, is such a relief.
Agreed on the very well articulated points by CV.
The timing of this special coincides with a conversation HD and I were having last week about the lawsuit and what was happening with it with AP#8 who was visiting. No doubt that there are families that exploit the program, but I think that the majority of HF aren’t looking for cheap labor and often spend as much (if not more) than minimum wage for APs.
Our journey with new APs has ended since HK#4 is starting school FT in two weeks but if some of these wage changes were made when we were part of the program, we would have left the program then and started using traditional daycare. The cost difference wouldn’t have been significantly different and the added cost of the amenities arms race would be a real deal breaker. Ultimately, what it boils down to IMO is managing expectations (also key for a successful match) and excluding participants (on both sides) who aren’t in the program for the right reasons.
Having said all that, I think that personal safety is a great topic to post on and also the education/educational aspects of the program and how to manage them for the serious student.
And now, I’m headed to make dinner with AP#4 who arrived yesterday with her youngest sister (who is in the US for the first time) to engage in some cultural exchange and extended family bonding time. :)
It’s probably too late now, since she’s leaving in 2 weeks, but I’d love a post on navigating the end – and helping our au pair through it as well. We’ve had an overwhelmingly positive experience with this one and it’s super hard for her – she feels like new AP is coming over and “taking over her life” and is just really sad about it. And I get it – these are “her” kids, “her” room, etc and while she would NEVER be anything more than supportive of the new AP (on of our girls asked her if new AP was her “best friend” and while i could see her die a little inside, she told her she liked new AP very very much and was excited for her to come live with us) I’d like to hear from others what helped ease the transition. I’ve tried just to talk to her and to validate her feelings – what she is feeling is OK and I’m here to talk about it.
I also love the ideas mentioned above – safety tips, life lessons. We joke with our current AP about what we were thinking when we didn’t fuss when she went to Bonnaroo a few months after she got here – it felt weird telling a 20 year old (who i trusted to watch our kids) that I was nervous for her safety (it was all fine) so ways to navigate that relationship (especially in the beginning before a rapport has fully developed) would be great.
The big downside of a wonderful year is the ending. APs are said, HPs are sad but also getting ready for the next AP, kids don’t always realize that a big change is happening.
We always suggested the AP invite her friends for a big barbecue at our house. We gave her lots of leeway to take time and say goodbye to everyone. During their year our APs always saw how much contact we still had with previous APs (conversations about emails we had gotten, sometimes gifts in the mail from former APs, etc.) so they knew we would stay in touch. It helped that we actually visit the countries our APs are from, so they knew they would see us again, but leaving was really hard.
I’d like to see a post on how to involve au pairs who are super independent into special family events or vacations. We tend to recruit independent au pairs who spend their time off away from us. Clock strikes 6 and our current au pair is usually grabbing her stuff and headed to her room. She has her own bathroom and entrance, so we rarely see her on the weekends. She has long days with young kids, so I totally get why she doesn’t spend her off time with us. This personality usually works great for us. We work long hours and have very young kids, and we just want to hang with the kids and relax in the evenings and weekends. We still chat with her on a daily basis and she’s finishing up her 2nd year. BUT it would be nice if she would participate in family events and not feel like we’re forcing her – like the kids birthdays or when we go on vacation and come with us to play mini golf 1 night. My daughter begged and cried for her to eat 1 meal with us while on vaca. It was sad. She clearly felt forced – even though she worked very little hours over the week and had no where to go but her room. She’s always been like this, so it hasn’t been a change from the 1st year. We’ve stopped bringing her to family holidays (even though we give her an open invite) because we can see she doesn’t want to be there. She still has a few months left with some really special events coming up, and want to see how we can involve her in a way that isn’t totally forced but so my kids don’t have to beg her to come.
If you are sure you like the extreme independence model for APs (or what could be called the “work relationship” model, which truly does work well for some APs and HFs) then the key is to schedule those events as work. I hope she is cheerful and pleasant during work, and that would mean that she would be cheerful and pleasant for things like a kid birthday party. It doesn’t mean she has to “work” at the party per se, but she is required to be her “au pair self” there, excited to be part of it (at least for show).
Both of our APs have been like this. Skipping Easter family celebration to go to the mall, leaving the house to meet a friend during a kid birthday party and not greeting any of our guests, calling family weddings that we made her go to “boring,” etc. It wasn’t our intention to choose APs like this, but I think it’s fairly normal for 20 year olds to act like that, and I get that they have PLENTY of time with my kids already. And to be honest, I don’t want an AP glued to my side each evening and all weekend. I hope with the next one we find a better balance of independence and separate interests, plus enthusiasm for family activities and special occasions.
I’ve got one more idea for a discussion topic: If you could make recommendations to the State Department on how to update and better regulate the au pair program, what would you say?
I bring this up as I see another article on how au pair’s are mistreated pop up on CBS today. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/au-pairs-in-u-s-often-treated-as-servants-critics-say/
And the State Department hosted au pairs in my town to a meeting where they gathered feedback on the program. But I think that it would be ideal if host families had a voice in telling the State Department on what changes we might like to see, when it’s likely that change to the program is inevitable.
Love the ideas above, especially the one about having safety conversations early on, when you haven’t really built up a rapport. I found myself having to do that with our most recent (now departed) au pair, when I discovered she’d given our address to someone she met on Tinder to pick her up at our home (after only being here a few weeks). Yikes!
Another topic close to my heart right now, and no idea if this is specific to me or if others (outside the US?) see this, but I’m increasingly finding it harder to find candidates. Don’t have the benefit of the agencies – or the draw of living in America – and I’m now on 2 websites looking for an AP for my school-age children (so much of it is being a driver), and not finding candidates. After 9 years of successfully hosting au pairs – so this is new! Anyone else experiencing this?
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