Can this relationship be saved?

Longest question, shortest answer: Rematch now

by cv harquail September 12, 2011
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It’s hard to imagine that the long, thoughtful email, below — all 1600 words of it — need only two words in reply: Rematch now. I could probably add three more words: Don’t Feel Guilty. But I will leave it up to you, dear readers, to share other words of support with this mom. …. […]

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Uncommunicative Au Pair Turns Passive Aggressive

by cv harquail July 14, 2011
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I believe in talking things out when you and your au pair have challenges. Awkwardly, tentatively, enthusiastically, skillfully, however you can manage it. If we can’t share what we think and ask for what we need, we can’t improve relationships. That said, what can we do when talking doesn’t work? Sometimes our talk hits a […]

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How Much Can an Au Pair Improve Sibling Dynamics?

by cv harquail June 28, 2011
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Each host family is its own self-reinforcing social system. Families have their own logic, their own climate, their own emotional rules, values, priorities, and patterns of behavior. Although the new person in the family/home means that everyone adjusts, au pairs adjust more to the family than the family adjusts to the au pair. Family systems […]

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Classic Case: Can you change a Princess?

by cv harquail February 2, 2011
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A Host Mom writes: Hello! I am writing because I have a bit of a princess situation on my hands — a princess situation with nuance. I am looking for advice on how to try to make this work. Our new AP, 19 years old, arrived about a month ago from a Western European country. […]

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Something’s Missing: Not the GPS, but her sense of Responsibility

by cv harquail January 20, 2011
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From HostMom Needing Guidance: Dear Au Pair Mom readers — We’re 7 months into our year with our current AP. It’s been a good year so far and she is a great AP. She’s good with the kids and fairly easy to live with, and we’re starting to think about whether to extend. However, I […]

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Classic Case: Your childcare needs are not your Au Pair’s priority

by cv harquail December 29, 2010
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There are several situations that host parents and au pairs seem to see over and over. Each time, the situation has its own particular details, and it is happening to a host parent or au pair who feels the problems acutely and specifically. And yet, the situation has an underlying issue that we see time […]

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A Series of Bad Matches: Is it you, or your au pair Agency?

by cv harquail December 14, 2010

No one is responsible for a great host parent-au pair relationship. Or, rather, no one person or entity is responsible for great host parent-au pair relationship. That responsibility is shared between three parties: 1. The Au Pair her- or himself 2. The Host Parent(s), and 3. The Au Pair Agency. Because we host parents know […]

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She extended, and left her enthusiasm behind…

by cv harquail October 9, 2010

Readers, we got this request from one of our regular contributors, who needs our advice this time…  Her situation is long, and the story is complex, but I’m posting it all because (it seems to me) that the context matters. There are issues of schedule change, trauma in the Host Mom’s life, efforts to work […]

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When Your Au Pair Breaks Your Psychological Contract

by cv harquail April 24, 2010
July 19: Balancing act (58/61) by theDQT

[ Note: I think this might be the longest AuPairMom post I’ve ever written. It was a long train ride and I think I got carried away.] Host families and au pairs call it mutual expectations, and management scholars call it the “psychological contract”. The idea behind a psychological contract is that we agree to […]

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Can this au pair relationship be saved? Laundry list of “no”s

by cv harquail March 22, 2010
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Readers, this situation is a challenge on many fronts… I’ve listed them out in headings to make things a little easier. It looks like a no-win situation to me, so I’d recommend rematch. But I might be missing something… Read on and offer your thoughts. “Where do I begin? My partner and I are two […]

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