97% of the time that something goes wrong between an au pair and a host family, it’s because one or both parties is not following the rules.
Okay, maybe it’s not 97%. Maybe it’s just 95%. But in the vast majority of the problems we talk about here, someone isn’t following the rules.
We got an email from a BlueSkyAuPair in Canada who’s got a classic mess of problems.
We’ve seen each of these before– too many hours on her schedule, conflicts w/ parents over discipline strategies, too much work for one person, inappropriate tasks on her to-do list, confusion over who’s on duty on the holiday… You know, the usual stuff.
(Details are at the bottom of this post in BlueSkyAuPair’s email. )
Situations like the one in this email frustrate me, and not only because we’ve addressed each of these issues before (albeit with different details). These situations frustrate me because at their core, these issues are caused to a large degree by somebody not following the rules.
And folks, following the rules is the EASY stuff of being a good host parent or a good au pair. Following the rules solves chronic problems before they start.
Why don’t au pairs and host parents follow the rules?
People don’t follow the rules for a range of reasons. In order of increasing severity, these reasons are:
- No rules have been set.
- Host parents and/or au pairs don’t know the rules.
- The rules have not been communicated.
- The rules have not been adequately understood.
- The rules have not been consistently applied and so they seem arbitrary.
- One party is trying to take advantage of the other.
To solve the problem, you have to identify the correct reason(s) why the rules are not being followed. Keep in mind that when we feel particularly pissed off aggrieved, we might assume that it’s reason #6. However, usually it’s a reason between #1 and #5. Extend a generous interpretation and start by cutting each other some slack.
Four Steps to Dealing with Problems Following the Rules
There are four steps to dealing with a situation that messed up because someone isn’t following the rules. These steps are:
Step 1. Identify and review the rules.
Step 2. Have a conversation about the rules.
Step 3. Follow the rules.
Step 4. Get support.
1. Identify and review the Au Pair Program rules.
What are the rules?
- If you are in the USA, the rules are clear.
- If you’re in a country outside the USA, you have to identify whether there are actual regulations in that country. If you have a contract, you must refer to that contract to clarify regulations, expectations and commitments.
- If you have no formal contract and/or have only a verbal agreement between the host parents and the au pair, that was a bad move on your part. Now, in advance of speaking with your au pair or host parents, you should put together a list of rules/regulations you would like to have in your contract. Use the US rules as a guideline.
2. Have a conversation about the Au Pair Program rules and how these should be followed.
Every au pair-host parent problem that is going to be resolved has to be resolved through a thoughtful, constructive conversation between the host parents and the au pair. Assume that a conversation is required, every time. The only thing that differs is which topics must be discussed.
Prepare yourself for a conversation by getting your facts straight (see above), identifying a few examples of the problem, clarifying for yourself what the desired behavior would be, and being nice.
(See this post for more specifics: Thriving despite conflicts: 9 Rules of Negotiating with Your Au Pair )
3. Follow the rules
Following the rules is pretty concrete. You can demonstrate that you are following the rules and that s/he or they are following the rules. For example, you give the au pair a schedule of 45 hours, and she works 45 hours. You get the childcare coverage you’re expecting and s/he gets the workload & time off s/he’s expecting. Or, you pay the au pair on time and the correct amount, and s/he gets the money she expects when s/he expects it.
When people start following the rules, a key source of tension is resolved, because the rules are there precisedly to prevent the kinds of overwork, exploitation, inappropriate expaectations, and disappointment that you’ve been experiencing in the bad situation.
And, when people start following the rules, this clears away the space to talk about other, more difficult issues, like disagreements/misunderstandings/ inconsistencies regarding how to discipline the children.
4. Get support
The fourth critical step is to get support from somewhere outside the au pair-host parent relationship. This can be from your LCC, your agency, other host parents in your cluster, other au pairs you know, and of course, this community here at AuPairMom.
In the example below, both the au pair and the host parent would have avoided the scheduling problem and the issue with ‘who’s on duty on the holiday?’ if they’d been reading this blog. Ahem.
Please share your specific advice for BlueSkyAuPair and your general insights about following rules (or not)–
Dear Au Pair Mom,
I am an Au Pair for a family in Canada. They are really nice but I am very frustrated because of these problems.
They do not have any proper discipline for their four year old daughter, who talks backs screams stamps her feet and demands in a way that I haven’t had any experience with. Anything can set off a screaming fit, socks, cereal and taking her out for treats all cause massive tantrums. If I cook pancakes she stamps her feet and says i’m not eating in I want Macaroni Cheese, If I decide that night to make fresh macaroni cheese for supper then she won’t eat it because she wants tinned. She can tantrum for over and hour, we are late for school and appointments everyday. I try very hard to have fun with her but I get it thrown back in my face.
I personally wish I had the power to put a stop to it but I her Mom does not work and lets her get away with things. I feel powerless and helpless.
There is also a little boy who is very sick and needs to be watched constantly and observed for signs of seizure activity.
I should point out that I work twelve hour days, five days a week, sometimes over. I start work at 7:30 am and finish at 7:30pm, I have all meals with the family.
Today has upset me beyond belief. After two weeks of dealing with hour long tantrums every day when I got screamed at punched and kicked, my host family and I went to visit their family for christmas.
I expected that having ten of their family members around meant that I could take it easy whilst they all played together and spent time together as a family. I really needed this break because I have had the flu. Just getting out of bed to be around in case of medical emergency and to not seem completely impolite was very difficult. Half the time I could not tell you what was happening because I had such a high temperature and headache.
I still tried to make time to play with the children spending and hour and a half one day playing with the girl, having a tickle fight with her on another occasion, sitting with her as she did some drawing and playing a card game with her.
But my Host Mom told me tonight that she was disappointed in me for not doing more while we were with the relatives. The Host Mom said wanted to visit with her family and I hadn’t done enough around the house to let her do that.
I must mention that I did not know she expected that, since this was my first visit to the family). I have done everything that she asked me to do right away. She pointed out that one time I had not played with her daughter when she had been playing on her own because I had been playing with another child but the other child had been seeking my attention and I do not think it unfair to pay attention to another child who is seeking it.
How do I point out that expecting me to work sixty hours a week and look after one kid with a medical condition and one kid who everybody has trouble keeping any kind of control over the other whilst making breakfast and lunch (five days a week) and dinner (twice a week) and keeping up with my housework is just too much.
I feel like they kind of expect me to be a part time cook a part time cleaner and a full time nanny. What should I do?
{ 25 comments }
Sure seems like a case of #6 to me…
I didn’t think “au pair” was French for “almost full time slave who is supposed to be psychic and guess what I want all the time”.
I also think this host family is taking advantage of this particular au pair.
Maybe the host parents could have been more clear about what they expected at the family gathering, but really, whatever this AP did would not have been enough.
12 hour days, 5 days per week is too many hours.
I agree that this too many hrs for anybody, esp over 5 days. Are you with an agency? If so I would complain to your LCC or if you are not have a talk(polite but clear) with your Host Family.
Another question is – what parameters did you agree to in terms of hours, duties, etc.? As CV notes, a lot of frustration arises from lack of adhesion to the rules or agreement. We don’t get a sense of that from the letter. Regardless, there cannot possibly be rules about visiting family members and still putting in a full 12 hour day in a random other place with a lot of other stuff going on.
And even a 12 hour day should come with at least three breaks.
I was very stupid to not get a proper written down contract. I know that now, I should have been more organized and perhaps more demanding. I choose the family as I have previous knowledge of the illness the little boy has and knew I could take care of him in an emergency situation and manage his dietary requirements. They were looking for a full package, somebody who could cook clean entertain the children and handle a medical emergency if one arose. I would get weekends and evening off. I could have evenings off but the few occasions I have tried to go out at 6pm there has been chaos and i’ve felt it necessary to stay to put food on the table. It is a personal trait that adds to the problem I suppose; I cannot leave a house so disorganized.
As for breaks; if the children both go down for a nap at midday (maybe 2,3 times a week) I can usually steal half an hour to myself. Also after dinner the HD and kids play before bedtime so If there is not too much washing up I can read for half an hour before the kids are pt to bed and I go to bed if tired or go pickup all their toys, sweep the floor and fold the clothes. On Wednesdays I have a few hours to myself in the afternoon, I hoover if I haven’t found time (without the kids around) to do it during the week and I cook a meal but an hour of it is usually mine.
You’re evidently a real hard worker, but whatever you’re doing it doesn’t seem to be enough.
I hate to diagnose a situation based on only one perspective, but it certainly appears that you are being taken advantage of. To do all you are doing would normally require a nanny and a housekeeper and they would be paying both of them more than they are probably paying you.
I would definitely call a halt to the proceedings and say that you need to understand what they expect and match that against what you are willing to provide. The US State Dept guidelines for au pairs working in the US would be a good place to start:
45 hours per week max (so roughly 1800 hours per year @ 50 weeks)
At least 1.5 days off per week continuously every week.
A full weekend off every month.
Minimum wage (board and lodging included). In the US this works out to board and lodging plus $200 per week in your hand.
If you are comfortable doing 60 hours, it’s legal, and they are willing to pay extra then you should add another $100 per week for the extra 12 hours.
You also need to define some boundaries on your personal time. If you have something you want to do and need to leave at a certain time and they are aware of it, then they need to respect that.
Anything outside of the household should be negotiated and agreed ahead of time (like the visit to the family.)
Honestly, if they aren’t willing to agree to some boundaries you need to cut them loose.
If you are going to stay with this family there are 2 things you need to learn to do:
1) walk away
2) communicate
I’m willing, even having heard only your side of the family, to believe that your HF takes advantage of you. However, part of the problem, based on your descriptions of yourself, is that you’re a willing partner in this.
You can’t get it all done, especially since, like Sisyphus, the rock will be there for you to push up the hill again tomorrow. We all need a break. So, when one of your HPs returns home – communicate what you know and go take a walk, meet a friend, or go read a book at your local library. Whatever you do, make sure it takes place outside your home, even if only for 30 minutes. Give yourself the right to take a break, or you will be too exhausted to do your job.
As a HM, I love it when my APs go the extra mile. However, when they start to clean our home (rather than just tidy up), I warn them that it’s a slippery slope and a huge investment in time. I think this may be especially for parents of a special needs child, who invest an enormous amount of time and energy in the well-being of the child and don’t necessarily have time for other activities.
Small point, not really relevant to the AP in question here, but it can be an important point for some families.
The US State dept does NOT require that the 1.5 days off per week be consecutive — only that the AP have 1.5 days off per week. That is an agency requirement. For example, CCAP requires that they be consecutive; APIA does not. For our family, this is a very important point, because CCAPs rules would preclude our scheduling our AP for a Saturday night if she were working Monday and Friday (still respecting the overall 45hrs/week max, and one full weekend off per month, of course). But with APIA, we can give our AP Wednesday afternoon and all Sunday off, and she can work 5-6 hrs on a Saturday night, even if she works on Friday afternoon/evening and Monday morning (which due to our work schedules are fixed in stone). Technically, with CCAP, this would not work (Although I imagine in practice that many families and APs work around this, but for us personally, I like that what we need/want for Saturday nights is according to the letter of the contract, and not necessitating “bending” the rules).
Second sentence should have read, “The CONSECUTIVE requirement is an agency specific requirement”
Interesting clarification, thanks. if this was the only issue here we’d be golden…
We switched to CC this year and found out about this consecutive 1.5 days off only after switching. It’s been irritating enough that we might just switch back. Incidentally, we only use about 30 hours a week because our au pair does the morning and afternoon routines for us. We go out on a Saturday night at most once a month, but when we do, we have to either do the Monday morning or the Friday afternoon ourselves and take time off of work.
I like that they are trying to protect their au pairs, but ours has all day off every week day and most weekends – it doesn’t seem like it would be taking advantage to ask her to do a date night on a Saturday after having picked the kids up from school Friday afternoon.
I’m a host mom (and LCC for CCAP). Most au pairs truly do value that Saturday night off. What we do is have the au pair have Saturday and 1/2 of Sunday off and then we have them come on Sunday afternoon so that we can do what we need to around the house, get ready for the week, or we go do errands and then we go out to dinner. It’s a great night to go out because restaurants tend to be quieter and it kicks off the week in a really nice way. Just a thought for those who are having an otherwise good, supportive experience, but need that night out too. Good luck!
Many of us HP really value that Saturday night out :)
This is one of our top 5 reasons for having an Au pair. For us, Sunday night is no where near equivalent to Saturday evening – we both need to be home preparing for our work week on Sunday evening. That is why we will never use CCAP, even though we really, really like the CCAP LCC in our town, and aren’t much impressed with our own APIA CC. For us, the “consecutive requirement” is a deal breaker that takes CCAP off the table.
Oh, I know they value Saturday nights, but so do we. They are valuable for the same reason to us as they are to our au pair – don’t have to get up and go to work the next morning, more stuff to do, more friends available. That’s why we like to do them once a month as I said, meaning our au pair gets three Saturdays off a month. Especially since she only works 30 hours, I have no problem asking her for one Saturday a month.
It’s something I hadn’t realized about Cultural Care and we will strongly consider switching back to APIA because of it.
Blue sky au pair, thank you for adding detail to your situation. I’ve read and re-read and here’s my two cents.
You need to own your part of this situation.
This is an important life lesson. People will take whatever you are willing to give and then will also expect you to deliver what you agreed upon.
If I’m reading correctly, you agreed to work each day from 7:30 until 6:00 which is a ten and a half hour day and you receive evenings and weekendsoff. You also mention receiving a few hours off on wednesdays. from my esimates, Your agreed upon work week is between 45 and 50 hours.
If I’m interpreting correctly, you feel uncomfortable enjoying your “off time” when you can see that the family can use your help. Because of this, you don’t go out and see friends or do things for yourself, you spend your “off time” at home helping the family. You acknowledge that this is a problem you have that might be contributing to your situation.
Is your host family taking advantage of you? Maybe. They might just think you are a nice person who is willing to spend her free time helping them out. Have they ever told you that you can’t go out in the evening because they need you to take care of the children? Or have you always just stayed home because you can see that they need your help? If they were thinking about your best interests, they’d encourage you to get out while you can so you can be fresh in the morning. However, you say they have a sick child and it reads like they both work. It’s possible they are what I call “in the trenches”. When a person is “in the trenches”, that person is focused on survival which does not leave room for thinking about someone else. If they are thinking of you as an adult, then they assume you are responsible for your choices. If you are choosing to spend your free time helping them, they might be feeling guilty about that but grateful too. Would you feel better if they thanked you for the extra time you spend helping the family?
Maybe they are taking advantage of you, but if they are, it’s only because you are letting them. If, after reading all the advice here, you do think they are taking advantage of you, it’s time to start setting boundaries. If you were a doctor, there would always be another sick person waiting. If you kept treating patients until every sick person was better, you would die on the job. It’s important to respect your own needs so you can be ready to work again tomorrow. Take the advice of TACL and get out of the house when your scheduled “work day” is done. You will feel so much better when you return and will hopefully feel more energetic and less resentful about your job.
It might help if you sit down with your host family and discuss again your agreed upon hours. Write your schedule down and post it somewhere so everyone knows. Look at it any time you are tempted to stay and help past your scheduled hours. I’m not saying you shouldnt help after your scheduled hours, but it’s best if you feel you are choosing to help, rather than feeling expected to help.
You mention eating meals with the family as part of your “work” day. If you are not required to eat with the family, then meal times are probably not considered “work” by your host family. If you find it stressful to eat with the family and are unable to resist taking an active “work like” role at meal time with the kids, consider eating a meal each day on your own, away from your host family. Have you considered that your host family might consider your assistance at meal times as a helpful gesture on your part rather than scheduled work?
Holidays and vacations are very complicated and have their own special place on this site. Please look at those seperately. I expect that the situation you encountered on that holiday trip was a result of poor communication between you and your host family as well as built up resentment on your part. I can assure you, if my Au Pair has a fever, I do not want her working with my kids or infecting other people! I want her to stay in bed and get better. Did you tell your host family you had a fever and possibly the flu? Or did you just silently suffer, hoping someone would notice? We regularly take our AuPair to family gatherings and we have a clear discussion to establish expectations before we go so no one is confused. The next time your host family wants you to travel with them or to work during a family gathering, make sure you ask them what they expect from you while you are there.
As far as the behavior issues from the child, unless the parents have told you otherwise, you can have a different discipline style from the parents. Kids are smart. If you establish that a certain behavior is unacceptable to you, they will know to stop doing it with you. As an Au Pair, you can not tell the parents how to parent, but you can make it clear to the host kids that you have different rules than they are used to. Talk with your host parents about your discipline issues with the daughter and your ideas for solving them. See what they have to say. They may be extremely grateful for your ideas. You won’t know if you dont try.
Also, it sounds like you are doing your household chores during your “off time” rather than during your scheduled time. Your host parents might be unaware that you are not happy about this, they might think you are choosing to do the chores during your personal time. I’m assuming you find it difficult to complete your chores during your work hours. Have you talked with your host parents about this? Have you asked for advice on how to get your chores done during scheduled work hours?
Good luck to you. My advice is to start talking to your host parents about how you feel. It seems it can’t get much worse.
To clarify, only one parent works. I have tried to discipline the girl with time outs, I suggested reward charts and such forth to encourage good behavior instead of just punishing the bad but the HM does not believe in them. Every time I try to put the girl in a time out I get fifty questions from HM about why (this is if she was out at the time) and on occasions I have been told in front of the child that her tantrums are my fault. For example I asked her to put trousers on which resulted in her immidatly screaming at me and HM said it was my fault because she was allowed to wear skirts (In -25 weather I assumed trousers were the best option). This makes me feel like I am powerless to alter the situation.
And my HM did know I had the flu.
I think you will need to have a serious family meeting and tell the host parents that you will not do anything to harm the kids, but you will need their help with the dissipline! When I was an au pair, I had the best host parents any au pair could ask for and team work was always the answer! We came up with movie nights, the kids would start off with a list of benifits, bad behaviour will loose a benifit and the kids will have to do their best to earn it again! Worked like a bom!but I also had the HM that backed all the time! She would never said anything to me in front of the kids that gave them the idea that my word weren’t anything! She always made the kids aware when I’m in charge they WILL have to listen to me! I really enjoyed working for them!
Thanks for clarifying. That sounds like a tough situtation. I’m not sure there’s much you can do here that you haven’t already tried. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit. It might be time to look for another family.
If you want to stay with this family, you’ll need to find a way to accept the family’s way of doing things as they dont seem open to your suggestions.
Whatever you decide, it is never okay for someone to hit or kick you, child or not. If the parents do not support you in preventing the child from doing this, i suggest you leave as soon as possible.
Have you taken any vacation time yet? You might consider using a weekend off to get away and think about what you want to do. Sometimes we need to get away from an environment in order to have clarity. You might find that after a few days away, the answer will be clear. Either you will have renewed energy to return and try to help this family, or you might realize how emotionally draining the job is and decide to leave.
I wish your experience were better and I hope, if you decide to leave this family, you will give another family a chance to host you as an Au Pair. You sound like a hard working, dedicated person and there are many families who would be happy to have you work with them.
So I’d like to offer some advice on the tantrum part. If you aren’t already let her feel like she has some control of the decisions. If she really wants to wear a skirt maybe give her a choice between pants or a skirt with warm tights. Give her 2-3 options for a meal. Also at that age, try to keep her bloodsugar constant during the day. A small meal or snack every 2-3 hours.
I also don’t know if you or the HF consider mealtimes as part of working hours (dinner). I don’t count this as work time, but I also don’t require our Au Pair to join us. I do have in my handbook taht if she does join us for family meals I expect her to contribute as a family member (setting the table, helping cook with me or keeping the kids out from under the hot stove and helping clean up after).
When Problems Come Up
With the good times, also come the not so good times. The selectaupairs experience is a wonderful, life-changing journey for both the au pair and the host family. However, in a year filled with amazing, memorable, and nurturing events, there can also be challenging and difficult situations.
When conflict happens, here are a few simple tips that may help:
· Communicate. Be willing to listen and to talk. Ask questions to make sure that you understand the conflict.
· Be flexible. Be open to new ideas and possible outcomes.
· Be willing to work through problems together.
· Consult with your Area Director when you need guidance or direction.
Finally, remember that it takes an open-mind and an eagerness to learn from each situation that will help you to get through tough times and onto a successful year
Thanks about the blood sugar idea, she does have snacks but I’ll be sure to keep them more regular. As for control that’s part of the problem, she is not given choices but the right to decide fully on her own resulting in her thinking she has control over everything. E.g. I am putting this toy away in the cupboard girl gets up and puts toy at top of the stairs, I try to explain having a wheeled toy at the top of the stairs is not a good idea, intimidate tantrum. Or, she decides she is not going to wear her jacket outside (here it is -25 to -35 everyday) she’s not going to wear socks under her boots, trying to explain to her that she’ll get frostbite brings about a tantrum so we’re late for school or appointments. She says to me ‘I can do what ever I want’ or on some occasions ‘when are we going to get a new au pair’ ‘you’re nasty’ ‘don’t talk over the top of me.’ ect… just a general bad attitude.
I have a particularly strong-willed 5 year old daughter, so I can understand who you are working with. Something that might help, is to allow natural consequences. If she doesn’t want to wear a jacket, don’t argue about it. Allow her outside without a jacket, but have it with you and at the ready when she recognizes she is cold. Let her wear a skirt, but have leggings to offer if her teeth start to chatter. As an adult who can foresee the chilly outcome, it can be very hard to do, but allowing the child autonomy and not engaging in a power struggle are important to your sanity and the child’s developing independence. Of course questions of genuine safety require firm adult decision making despite a child’s tantrum.
A funny story of autonomous decision making: One day my daughter decided she didn’t want to wear her boots home from preschool because they were damp inside. It was raining, nearly freezing outside, and we had a long walk to the car. She steadfastly refused the boots, so we headed out in stocking feet. About every 60 second I asked if she wanted her boots. NO! was her response every time. Her tights were wet to the knee when we arrived at the car, and her feet hurt from the cold. In the end I think she felt like she triumphed over adversity (and I hope–learned that damp boots are better than no boots at all).
My AP has a fellow AP friend who is going through the same thing as you. Poor girl. I’ll be honest with you, and I told my AP this too. Kids today are beyond spoiled. The fault lies with us, the parents. However, there are still boundaries. Example: my 16 year old is spoiled in the sense he has an iPhone, laptop, a few guitars, etc…(you get the point). But mouth off to myself or another adult will result in a swift spanking (when he was 4) and an apology to the adult. Especially if he had the gall to do that in front of me. Has nothing to do with not loving our children, rather teaching them to be honorable and well mannered adults. Fast forward to today, he never mouths off to us, stomps to his room, or sits sulking.
If I were you, I’d check in with your LCC and explore the option of a rematch. Something tells me these HP’s will NEVER admit their child is out of line and as a result, you will have to keep suffering. Good luck to you sweetie, hang in there.
I don´t know how things work in Canada, but can´t you rematch ?
I really don´t think things will change, specially because the mom doesn´t seem to understand that her kid needs discipline.
Until you talk with them you will work 12 hours a day.
It is time for you to do something about the intire situation.
According to me this four step is folloed by every Au pair provider agency and also Au pair and Host families
-Identify and review the rules.
-Have a conversation about the rules.
-Get support.
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