Years ago we were hosting a transition au pair (friend of our au pair) and I got a phone call from a prospective transition host mom. I was a little surprised because I was not actually the host mom of this AP so my number was not even on her profile so I quickly made that clear to “Sue” and she said “Oh I know (AP) told me! If it’s ok I would just love to ask you a couple quick questions about what housing (AP) is like.”
We proceeded to chat for over an hour and what this host mom told me changed everything about what I thought about transition APs and I hope this post can do the same for some of you!
Sue explained that she lived in an affluent part of NY and that she had hosted 3 overseas APs that had all ended in transition and she felt like they had chosen her family for the perks/location she could not hide on her profile (location, AP lives in guest home right behind main house, live in housekeeper etc) and had unrealistic expectations of the job. In all three cases she ended up in transition but was able to get a transition au pair already in country, talk to people that had actually met the AP and could tell her what it was like hosting or housing them and in many cases, rescue them from a less than ideal situation.
At this point we were on our very first AP and had just extended. The first year was very difficult for us and we had thought about transition several times (LCC was begging us!) but I just didn’t have the heart to do it and I thought (wrongly) like many new families do that transition APs must be undesirable in some way because I assumed (wrongly) that all host families treat their APs like family and with respect, follow all the rules and act in the spirit of the program.
After the third round of getting an overseas AP that ended in transition (0/3) and then getting a rockstar transition that extended with them (3/3 and all extended a full second year) Sue decided going forward that she would only host transition APs and not even look overseas anymore – a concept that blew my mind and made my inner planner/control freak tense with anxiety.
I had so many questions! What happens if you don’t find someone in time? (She’s never had that problem and had been doing it for years.) How long do you wait to start looking? (For her situation it was best to look about 2-3 weeks out because she could easily house two APs if she needed to do so and she wasn’t worried about overlap because her departing APs were awesome and would help train the new AP.) How long does it normally take her to find someone? (On average 5 days.) What does she look for? (Someone empathetic that is a respectful roommate that can drive and handles the stress of transition with grace and a positive attitude.)
She ended up matching with that AP that we were housing, that AP LOVED them and extended for a full second year like the others before her. I was blessed with an expanded perspective and since then we ourselves have hosted 3 transition APs and all 3 were rockstars and blessed our family more than I can put into words. I got to go into the transition pool educated and excited to find someone great and coincidentally all 3 of our transition APs had been removed from homes so we were able to help them complete their terms successfully and they became family just like the rest, even the amazing German AP we only had for two months!
As an LCC I have matched several of the new host families in my group with transition APs to start (its nice because then one party already knows the rules/drill and can help the other with the learning curve plus they can get someone right away) and it has gone very well.
I find myself this week pondering if I shouldn’t follow in Sue’s footsteps now that my kids are older and the job is “easier” and since we have had similar success with the transition pool. Yes there is a chance they might be shorter term but there’s also a very good chance they can already drive, have stronger English, truly know what this program is like day in/out (realistic expectations) or get sent home because there isn’t a family out there available to host them.
What do you think? Are we crazy or is it time to end the experiment and go all in on transition APs for the rest of our time hosting? Should more host families or new host families consider this strategy? What could the downsides be? Upsides?
PS – Now that I am back in the saddle ;) I have about a half dozen posts lined up so if you have ideas for topics or want advice and don’t mind me posting please feel free to email me at texashostmom@gmail.com or post in the comments below!
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I am so glad to see this post. We are in the same situation as sue, and while I like bringing girls into the country, we have been in rematch the last three consecutive times and each time have had rock star rematch au pairs who have extended and had fabulous experiences and been amazing influences on my kids after settling into our family. We have another nine months or so to decide, but it is really tempting to try this idea. Part of our rematch issue has been driving, and it is easier to have an LCC judge driving in rematch than the overestimations of ability we have had from out of country candidates.
We hosted two transition APs. Among the advantages were that they were incredibly grateful to get another chance, and the startup/expectations phase was much easier and shorter. Some of the fun of an overseas AP is the arrival, the discovery of a whole new world (for most of our APs this was the first time abroad), and “breaking them in” in my own way.
I wouldn’t recommend first-time HPs get transition APs, and especially not extensions. Extension APs are very savvy and will sometimes try to milk HFs for various privileges/extras. Transition APs could also tend to “train” the HPs regarding expectations, instead of the other way around.
Picking an AP is a whole operation and skill set that has very little to do with the skills and operation of HAVING an AP. I do like the idea of getting the whole selection process done in two weeks.
I agree that first-time host families may not want to get random transition au pairs, although one your LCC/Area Director is trying to rescue sounds like a better scenario. Our departing rematch au pair is the opposite of a savvy extension: she’s so quiet and passive that we’re afraid the new family will take advantage of her because she’s afraid to say no or be assertive. They did not give us a call to ask about her either.
SBW those are excellent points. I think it’s been working (new HFs with transitions) in my group because I’m a strong LCC (9 year HM – able to set expectations on both sides and stay close to both sides to ensure success) but I didn’t think about how differently it could go if you didn’t have that same level of LCC involvement/experience and that’s very valid. Especially agree with your comment about extensions and I have had exactly that scenario as an issue this year.
To your point about breaking in and learning curve, I think that’s the majority of the appeal at this stage. Maybe I’m just getting old and worn out. LOL. Texas is unique enough that it’s still a change generally for them and as Chi HM mentioned driving is our #1 need so in country with experience is a big perk.
Maybe I’ll write a follow up about becoming a worn out HM and how your priorities change over time… :)
Looking forward to the post about being a worn out host mom :) 9th Au Pair (extension au pair this time) coming in August and I was pretty worn out this interview process. Ha!!!
OMG Yes!
I recently selected my 12th (1 rematch, 2 that stayed for 2 years) AP and I’ve felt burnt out on interviews for years. I dread them every time. I have SO much experience with APs I have become extremely informal in my interview style because I have come to see that whether you interview in detail for months or pick someone after just 15 minutes of conversation you never quite know what you’re getting until they’re there. I still talk with them for several hours before selecting them, but there is always something you can’t select or account for, something you didn’t anticipate. All these 2nd year HP who have a “perfect system” for interviewing APs and “always” getting a perfect match make me snort into my glass of wine. Good for them. Glad it’s worked so well twice in a row ;)
Momo4, so glad to hear you say this. I am only on AP 3 and only 1.5 years into hosting (first had only 6 months in extension year, 2nd went into rematch and 3rd will finish his time in August-4th AP will start in August), but I can’t figure out still where I went wrong with AP 2.
I did everything right…so, now I just want to filter for the basics and match based on how we get along. It’s just too hard and takes too much energy, especially since they are interviewing us as much as we are them. I dunno…
I might consider this transition only AP thing after we are done with number 4. They are way more fun to interview and as I said in a response to the last post-they no longer have stars in their eyes (at least most of them).
Cracking up here!!
Agreed about the “perfect systems”! All is well until their first rematch…
I’m seriously considering just looking for a rematch au pair this year. We’re looking for our 12th au pair in 9 years (three went into rematch – one after three days because she didn’t want two year olds hugging her, one after a month because she suddenly said she had to go home for reasons she didn’t want to explain, and one after two months because she was looking for a better situation.) All the others finished their years.
As much of a pain as finding a rematch candidate is, we’re running out of time for any other option to get an au pair by July. I’m also seriously reconsidering the idea of daycare. I can’t seem to find anyone excited about matching with our family with three kids (8, 8, and infant) – and two of the kids will be in school all day! I can’t get candidates to respond to my initial emails even! The au pairs I found after rematches in the past have worked out well.
Any advice, caution,thoughts, etc? We’re with APIA and we’d rather not use CCAP due to the inability to pay by credit card while using their payment plan (sorry TXHostMom).
NoVaTwinMom, you are an old hand at this. You know to call the first HP but also not necessarily over-weight their story. You know to ask LCC, although many don’t know the APs much. And you know to ask the AP her story, and listen for where s/he might have been defensive, unruly, whatever.
As I wrote in my other comment on how to interview transition APs, I talk to the HPs first and then the AP. I then ask the AP, “What is the worst thing your HP might say about you and why things went wrong?” The answer, and especially the formulation of the answer, can tell you a lot. Defensive/teenagey/bitchy? Or regretful, or professional, or decisive, or whatever. You get to see how they react to a high-pressure question.
One we took out of transition said, “They would say I didn’t stick to the rules. I took HK to the mall when they said not to take HK shopping, but in our cold, rainy suburb there wasn’t much to do and there was a playground in the mall. They assumed I was shopping, which wasn’t the case.” Another said, “They gave me a 10:30pm curfew during the week and 11:30pm on the weekends.” Another said, “They were hitting their child and I felt terrible and uncomfortable but felt powerless to say anything, so they are probably puzzled as to why I rematch.” None of these are perfect answers, but they told me a lot.
LOL no sorry for me! If I was looking for a July arrival right now I’d absolutely go transition. Too tight/stressful to find someone overseas on that timeline plus right now is peak arrivals therefore peak transitions so while I always remind people they only need one au pair – it does give many consolation to know there are a lot of options right now. It’s also much faster to match in transition so if you’re dreading the matching process or need someone sooner that’s a great way to cut down the amount of interviewing work!
I might look around in the overseas pool when mine is getting ready to leave just in case I see someone I think might be our unicorn because I can’t help myself but I have zero fear of the transition pool it’s provided nothing but 3/3 rockstars for me! Good luck!
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