This Is The Open Thread You’ve Been Looking For

I imagine you’ve already done everything possible to avoid this situation, but will ask if this is something you’ve chosen to do (such as a vacation) or something you either didn’t choose the timing on or would prefer not to do (such as a sick relative overseas you need to visit and the holidays are the only time that would work).

Either is bad, but I imagine your au pair (and LCC) would understand the second better than the first – the second is more of an obligation while the first can be seen as a choice. For the record, it sounds like you’re in the second category, but just want to cover all the bases.

I’d talk to your LCC (who will hopefully be understanding) but probably the way to best “smooth this over” is to find a family friend, preferably someone your au pair already knows and likes, to take her in over the time you’ll be gone. Not to have her work, but so she isn’t spending the holidays alone. If she doesn’t already know the family in question, have them meet and get to know each other beginning now. You will, of course, leave plenty of gifts for your au pair so that the other family doesn’t have to worry about that.

I’d also leave some “experiences” for the au pair (and maybe the other family too) to have while you’re gone – tickets to the Nutcracker for your au pair and her best friend, a gift card (or cash) to cover dinner at the Cheesecake Factory or the local equivalent, a stocking with her name on it that will match the family’s stockings, etc. Whatever you can do to replicate what you would have done if you were home. I realize there’s a big money commitment here – but you’re kind of abandoning her in the time she’s most likely to be homesick so you need to “make it up to her.” (I realize you’re not doing this on purpose, but the net effect is the same, and she won’t be less homesick just because you realize the timing is bad).

Good luck – that discussion isn’t going to be fun, but you can do what you can to mitigate it. No matter what you end up spending to smooth the waters, it probably won’t compare to taking her along.

I agree with the above that you need to pay her, make sure she has transportation, food, etc etc, but depending on the au pair and the situation it might not be that big of a deal. My last au pair would have been fine with it- she would have missed the kids (she always missed the kids) but she would have found a lot to do on her own. Although she was from a country where they don’t celebrate Christmas, so that might have been part of it.

I think our current au pair would be fine too if we had to leave her alone, she’s very independent and mature.

As it is we never do that much of anything for the holidays. Sure, we have a tree, Christmas morning with presents, and a dinner.. but otherwise it’s business as usual in our house. Could be because I’m not Christian (DH is), so I don’t get all into it like other people do.

WHM – you haven’t mentioned how long your AP has been with you.Whether she is a fairly recent arrival, halfway through her year, or winding it up – apologize that you can’t take her with you and offer to help her find a place to land. You seem to have a sense that she will feel hurt. Apologize for not being able to bring her, and then offer her choices:

Would she prefer to spend the holidays with her BFF in the US? Then ask your LCC to pave the way for her to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with that family. Surprise her with a stocking (dropped off at the house before you leave) and a few gifts that show that you really thought about her as a person.

Can you tell that she’s secretly pleased that you freed her to travel with a pack of APs to NYC or another destination city? If you can afford it, then pay for her transportation or a night in the hotel/hostel of the group’s choice, or give her a pair of tickets for something (now’s the time to order tickets to climb the Statue of Liberty or a Broadway musical).

Know that she would prefer to stay at home alone? Then stock the house with her favorite foods and give her a food allowance to host a dinner – or go out to a nice restaurant. (Of course, since you trust her with your kids, you trust her to host a dinner for friends.) Give her a Christmas stocking and tell her not to open it until the 25th. Give her a few gifts that show you’ve thought about her as a person.

(DH and I had the opposite problem with AP #10 – she sniveled when we told her that if she chose not to join us on an all-expense paid w/extra time off trip to a destination city for Christmas, then we would count her trip with other APs to another destination city as vacation time. We’ve since gone into rematch, and AP #11 (coming in a few weeks) stated emphatically that she wanted to join us when DH told her that it was okay to opt out (yes!).

To be honnest, if it was me, I would be miserable on Christmas day, I love christmas, the spirit, the opportunity to spend it as family quality time, I am really looking forward to it, whether we do something special or no. There is no easy way, but if you want your au pair to have a chance to do something, let her know asap.
If that happens to me this year, I would send a message to my previous HF and I am sure they would be happy to have me over, it would be great for me to get to spend christmas with them, but at the same time, I really would like to experience it with my current HF. You au pair might not have this chance but maybe she knows some au pair who have a HF who would invite her over that day.
I don’t know what my HF does for Christmas, I haven’t heard about it so far, maybe I will be in the same case, but save yourself more drama and tell her as soon as you can. Whatever the reason is for you to go at that time, she would probably understand that financially this is a big deal to take the au pair with you when you travel, especially out of the country, just make sure she still feels cared about and that you do something for her.

I agree your tasks a more than a bit much, how many working hours did you agree to up front, was it discussed? Although this doesn’t sound like the ideal situation, I don’t see it being an emergency (ie “get out now”). Can you take a look around for other positions in the area quietly and see how they compare to yours? This may give you some perspective as to how your host family compares to the local norm. It may also make you feel more empowered knowing you have options. Finally, regarding work hours, I’d sit down and talk to the family about it, let them know you’d like to balance your social life and their needs. As for the HM’s attitude, I doubt there is much you can do, either decide to ignore or move on…. It likely outside the sphere that you can influence. You have some decisions to make, decide what you’re looking for, what you can live with and what you cannot… Then make your next move

Depends on if you get easily frustrated with the process, what agency you are with and how far in advance you like to plan. :) That didn’t help at all did it?! We matched 6 weeks before our first and that was a whirlwind, 3 months before our second but thought we were 4.5 months out (finished early – engaged and went downhill), 3rd was 7 days total (rematch due to AP family emergency) and next we matched in June for arrival Nov 10th (a shade under 5 months).
I do like that we matched further out this time but will say that the agencies and the APs often want the 3 month range. We were rejected by several candidates that wanted to come sooner (so if that doesn’t fluster you then do it). It has given us a chance to get to know the AP better I feel like and she’s had a chance to plan and adjust over time. For example, she got two jobs over the summer to save up as much as possible for her travels after speaking with us and current AP about how expensive things are. I had one other candidate also say she liked the idea of more lead time knowing where she was going so it varies. It is a little harder because I have to remind myself to send her something every week or so to keep her engaged but she has managed it beautifully (Ive been slammed this month and last which is part of why we matched early – plus I didn’t expect to find someone in 2 weeks like we did, thought it would take longer). Some also talk about timing from a candidate pool perspective – aka maybe larger pool in June because they graduate but I have found the pool to be pretty consistent because different countries have different school years and cycles. If you want a particular country research their major event dates or ask your agency and they can tell you when to look to hit the larger pools of those countries. I also vary our cycle based on my bandwidth – aka when do I have time to vest in the process so I am not hurried and I properly vet them. For me this year it was June/July lighter then slammed Aug-Oct with arrival early Nov so I knew I wanted to be matched by the end of July. Started looking early June, matched mid June. Being that you are looking for early March you might think about looking early like November before the slowdown of Christmas/New Years or if you are more adventurous or don’t take as long to match or have backup coverage you can try looking the first week of January. There is a spike in new candidates and rematch candidates in January due to school years/jobs ending at the calendar year in some countries and for whatever reason, many APs and families try to tough it out through the holidays and then rematch the first week of January.

Both times now that I’ve matched well in advance (5 months prior), I’ve regretted it. I had the impression that I would scoop up the planners and then have a long period of getting to know the AP by email and Skype. Both times I wish I had waited. It’s hard to email and Skype for that long for one.

The pool of candidates that want to come so far away is very small. We got repeatedly rejected right off the bat by candidates that wanted to come in 2-3 months and didn’t want to wait. All the rejection and the small pool made me somewhat desperate I think and caused me to settle both times after searching for a month or two with no prospects.

And also, both times our child care needs have changed slightly in the interim between matching and arrival. Honestly this time I think I would have not had an AP for a couple if months to reevaluate, but we had matched so early, I was stuck. Both of the APs that we matched far in advance with also met boyfriends between matching and arrival and for one, her life plan changed significantly in that period too.

Anyway, all that to say that I know it works for others, but I will never again even start looking until three months prior to the date I want someone to arrive. If we ever get another AP that is!