On the last post a couple of folks commented that they would “never pick an only child” AP again. After a painful transition I myself recall saying that I was “never going to pick a youngest child again” – for many of the same reasons those people attributed to only children so it got me thinking – does an au pair’s birth order or family dynamics really influence/determine their success in the AP program?
I do tell the host families in my group that have lots of kids that they might want to look for an AP that also comes from a large family. I tell them that because that AP is more likely to be used to the noise and sibling dynamics present in that type of household that might be overwhelming for an only child AP. Not that an only child AP can’t do it – just that it might be easier/a better fit for someone where that is their “normal”.
Just like an only child might be a better fit for an only host child. That household dynamic is different as well and an AP from a huge family might find that situation difficult to adjust to as well.
Does birth order theory come into play as well? Ironically, looking back, out of our 7 successful au pairs 6 were oldest children and one was a middle child whose older sibling was more chill and carefree so my AP took on the second mom, high achiever nature more commonly attributed to the first born child. So from a birth order theory perspective, we had 7 oldest profiles and all were successful and one youngest/only profile that was not. I also wonder though, what percentage of AP candidates are oldest children given that this program is tough and requires guts and big goals and probably aligns more to the driven, high achievers’, second mom personality profiles of oldest children in the first place!
Nature vs nurture? Of course we all know at the end of the day a lot of this comes down to nature vs nurture and how you are raised. I am sure there are only children APs (and I know plenty) that are not spoiled by their parents. And there are probably oldest children that are irresponsible party animals. I hosted two non-partying Brazilians and tell people all the time to ignore cultural stereotypes and find their right fit regardless of country if they can be that open minded. I am sure the same applies here, but just like cultural stereotypes are based on some similarities and recurring observations, perhaps these birth order sentiments are too.
As humans we try to look for order in the chaos and sometimes make associations perhaps where they don’t exist so I am interested to hear from those of you that have had success with only children or youngest children APs or APs that are oldest, youngest or only children doing well.
Host parents – do you consider birth order or other family dynamics when you are looking at au pair profiles? If so, what things do you look for or use to rule in/out candidates? Have your au pairs been oldest, middle, youngest or only children? Do you think that impacted their success? Au pairs – are you oldest, middle, youngest or only children and how do you think that impacts your success as an au pair?
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We’ve had good luck with au pairs of all family types – we’re 11 au pairs in, and the three that we rematched were not due to family composition. I do screen for not being the center of attention or being “used to chaos” – though I find having been a waitress or working a similar hectic job to be a good screening tool as well!
I mean, I screen that they ARE “used to chaos.” :)
We definitely match better with au pairs from larger families. But, our current au pair is the youngest sibling and has been wonderful. But, she was surrounded by younger cousins – and in a culture where family spend alot of time together. So, there was always noise, chaos, and looking out for the younger kids. And that has worked well for us.
I’m an only child from a small family (one cousin, one aunt, one uncle). However, as my parents split up early, I became rather independent and responsible early on because my mom depended on me to keep the household running. Starting at age 12, I cooked and generally took care of myself (getting up, making breakfast, …). Also, I’m generally a caring person and started working with children in summer camps and babysitting when I was about 15, coupled with pizza delivery and waitressing jobs once I could drive. Honestly, I think my upbringing made me a good au pair because I was used to and enjoyed doing the chores (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up after myself and the kids, etc). There were some moments when my host mom wished I was more on top of the children and where I’m not sure whether it was cultural differences, personal opinion, or family dynamic related (host kids were teens and not self-sufficient at all; hm wanted me to be more hands on than I initially was because I expected them to be more independent – but I learned and it worked out :)). So personally I think being an only child was helpful for my experience because I had no troubles solving problems by myself, showing initiative and communicating respectfully whilst being aware of and fulfilling my duties as an almost-equal adult in the household. Still, imo it doesn’t depend so much on one’s position within the family, but more on the circumstances of how you’re raised, and gaining “real” experiences in childcare during one’s high school time (not just a two week kindergarten internship) certainly helps as well.
I was wondering about it. I’m an only child from a small family too. When I find my host family, I would be this kid of person teaching how to be independent kids/teens
I loved your comment
Im the oldest of three Girls, my youngest sister is 12 years younger than myself and have 4 cousins that are between 11 and 15 years younger than myself.
Though sure isnt the same as working with kids helped me a lot gaining personal experience with kids and know how hectic It can become
I think birth order/family size is more a proxy for how prepared an au pair will be for the realities of family life in the US with little kids and (probably for most host families) full time jobs. Our jobs are crazy demanding and we have little spare capacity to provide a lot of social support and attention to our au pair outside of family meals and outings with the kids on the weekends. The au pairs that have worked best for us are those who thrive having independence. The one only child au Pair we hosted wanted way more from us in terms of socializing with her (without kids) but I think that reflected her lack of maturity and dependence on her parents, not solely the fact that she didn’t have siblings. If I were to recruit another only child in the future, I would ask about life skills, screen for someone who may have already lived on their own, had a part time job, traveled, etc. I also explain how things like vacation and sick leave work for most Americans—I think a lot of au pairs are often very unaware of how limited support is provided to families in the US and don’t realize how tough parenting can be here compared to what might be the norm in their home country.
We have limited experience with APs. Our first was the youngest child and was an excellent au pair…of course being our first we had little to compare to other than our nanny. But, she was more engaged with our kids than our nanny, flexible, respectful and had a good ability to balance hanging out with us and with friends. I love her and she is welcome in our home anytime. I wish she were still my AP!
Second AP we just rematched was an only child. She just had to be the center of attention at all times. Constantly questioned our decisions and expected to have equal say in all aspects of running our household. It was ridiculous. I also have a husband who is an only child and I think that plays into this as well. He is definitely used to being the center and having the two of them compete for my attention along with the kids was also ridiculous.
Can’t say much about 3rd AP yet, but she is the oldest of 3 and so far very respectful, engages well with the children and enjoys our company.
I can’t say birth order is the be all, end all although, I am one that said I wouldn’t choose an only child AP again. I think that need to be the center of attention was the big issue. That and the need to be seen as having full on equal status as an adult in the family-which I think was given to her by her single mother. I am all about treating my AP as a full family member, but not as a head of the household. Yikes!
Your second AP was much like one we had to rematch. She was an only child, had just finished her country’s version of high school, and it was like having a third child in many ways. She was actually pissed when I came home early from work one day.
My best AP was an only child. What made her my best was her genuine love for children. She truly loved spending time with my kids. It was amazing. And I don’t think that had anything to do with birth order, that was just her personality. Birth order is not high on my list. I try to screen for APs that sincerely enjoy being around children.
I definitely agree that having siblings factors into being a good Au pair. The first rematch situation (we had 2 in 10 years) was an only child who lived only with her single mom. Her father was someone she didn’t live with and hadn’t lived with since she was 3. Our current AP is also an only child of divorced parents, who spends minimal time with her father. So neither was accustomed to sharing and very inflexible. The first one we rematched within a month. The current one is still with us, but her emotional fragility and rigidity are annoying, and I have considered rematching.
I don’t think we’ve had any oldest. Some of my favorites have been youngest , but from divorced families so used to being flexible. One favorite was a middle.
I actually made a matrix to determine which factors were most common but haven’t found a solid pattern. But I would avoid onlies in the future.
The one time I tired picking the oldest child from a big family for our 3 kids it was a flop. She missed her own siblings so much and felt like she was betraying them and her mom by caring for ours and returned home in less than 4 weeks.
Since then, I have had two wonderful only child au pairs who had to take care for themselves a lot do to divorce and mom working. They had always wanted siblings and are wonderful with our kids. They are responsible and very understanding of how I may need extra help, and have enough adventurous spirit not to need too much reassurance and just try things out for themselves.
@DMMom I am so happy reading your comment.
Give me peace to know there are some host family wanting and seeing the good part of ony child girl.
Thank you so much!
They have been my best Au Pairs!!
We are with our 11th AP in 12 years (1 rematch, 2 that stayed for 2 yrs) and our kids are 4, 6, 8 and 13.
In my experience truly loving and enjoying children is the trait I look for first in candidates because without it everyone will be miserable. But all candidates say they love children… So can they stand to be abound children for hours on end? Even when the kids are being difficult and everyone is tired? Do they know this for sure (through experience) or are they just imagining how lovely it will be for everyone to play together happily and will it be a nasty shock when they find that siblings can fight incessantly about the stupidest things?
At this point I will not consider an AP who is not from a family of at least 3 kids, and is either the 1st or 2nd born unless they are from a situation where they had lots of younger cousins whom they were responsible for. The larger the age difference between the AP and their younger siblings the better. This is largely because I have 4 kids and I need to know for sure that my AP understands on a visceral level what being part of a large family means. All of it. The good and the bad.
To be clear, I think single or youngest children can make fabulous APs and there are many families where they will find a great match. Single children who always wished they had a lot of siblings may find themselves incredibly happy to be part of a larger family, and may rise to the occasion wonderfully. But with 4 children and all my years of experience with APs, I am simply not willing to gamble on this, given all the other gambles involved in finding a good match.
My best AP ever was the eldest of 5, and he had incredible “mother hen” instincts. He always had a protective eye on any children in the vicinity, even when they weren’t his responsibility. I used to joke he was a better mom than me. My other best match APs were also from families with 3 or 4 kids.
The APs I have had who are only children or are 1 of 2 have tended not to understand normal sibling conflict and quickly become convinced there is something wrong with the kids because they are fighting. There is an art to knowing when to ignore the fighting and let the kids work it out (an important life skill) and when to intervene. I have found that APs with more siblings understand and are comfortable with this no doubt because they already have personal experience with it.
My APs from small families haven’t seemed to understand this unless they have extensive experience already. In general they have also tended to exhibit more entitled behavior, complain about or outright avoid their responsibilities, act like a child rather than an adult, fight with my kids, suggest I spend more and more money to make their lives easier, be disrespectful, tell me how to raise my children (!), and tell me that they think one or more of my children has psychiatric problems because their behavior isn’t perfect. (My husband is a psychiatrist and I am also a physician so this last one is especially annoying.)
But as always, context is everything. All this might look quite different if I myself only had one or two children. 4 kids is a lot to handle, especially with the age differences. Along with the great responsibility my APs are given a great deal of independence and freedom. No curfews, free car use, etc. But at the end of the day they are adults in my home and I expect them to act like it. The last thing I need is a 5th child in the mix.
All this said, as with anything involving finding a good match, there is no magic formula, and anyone who tells you they have one probably just hasn’t had enough APs yet :) No matter how carefully you screen and interview, sooner or later you’ll get an unfortunate mismatch. And there may be perfect matches out there, but there are no perfect APs just as there are no perfect HFs.
This is perfectly said. It is *possible* to understand the dynamics of a large family without living them. But will all other qualities to screen for, it’s way easier just to find someone who has grown up surrounded by siblings, cousins, nieces/ nephews etc., daily and seen the good, bad & the ugly. Since we also want our kids to learn Spanish, we start with candidates from large and extended families and go from there looking for other qualities.
We’ve never hosted an only, but we’ve also never hosted an oldest. We’ve had good luck with middles and youngests. I think what worries me most about hosting an only child is the chaos. I’m the youngest of 3 with much older siblings and even I struggle with the noise and chaos in my home sometimes. You have to have a talent for filtering out noise, drama, and crazy to survive in our house and I worry that an only child won’t have had the opportunity to develop that skill.
I don’t put much stock in birth order. Our best BP was an only…he had a close relationship with his mom, and I think that translated into his relationship with me. He also grew up with lots of cousins around, run camps, and worked as a soccer coach. so he knew exactly how to deal with boys the age of mine. What I won’t do again is hire someone who didn’t have a working mother growing up. That did not work well for us…it resulted in a lot of judgment about how a household should be run, I’d rather have someone who has seen the day-to-day of a household with two working parents where home responsibilities have to be shared by the whole family. I also will screen carefully for kids who come from divorced families, in terms of understanding the relationship with and between their parents. We’ve had some whose parents were delightful and all got along, resulting in resilient kids, and others who did not speak to one another and spoiled the kid as a result of the drama and competition. I think you have to look at the family dynamics in total, not just birth order. I would hate to rule anyone out based on one fact about them that they can’t control, but I now know the potential pitfalls of each situation and can screen better for overall personality and upbringing.
That’s an interesting point re: working moms. I might have to add that into my screening process next time. Often stuff doesn’t get done in my house until the weekend, even important stuff. Thankfully our current AP (our 1st) doesn’t seem to mind. It’s just the reality of our life.
I definitely agree that having a working mom is a big plus, but do specifically ask whether the AP does their own laundry, and which chores they do *regularly*. I’m always a bit shocked by how many AP candidates, especially they guys, do not do their own laundry at home. I certainly do not intend to be doing my kids laundry for them when they are 18!
That’s an amazing point. If the HP don’t ask me this in the future, I’ll put this in the conversation of sure!
Tks momo4
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