I’m emailing you to ask for advice. I thought I was ready for an au pair, and understood the process, but this has been an awful situation and I need guidance as to whether my expectations are too high or if we just had a poor match.
We live in a small city in the Midwest and only one agency services our area, so we had to go with that agency. This agency does not offer “professional au pairs” for more money a week (which we were disappointed by, as that was the option we desired, but we figured we could still find someone good). We had twins, and were looking for an au pair with infant experience to care for them after they were 3m old. We got all our ducks in a row, paid, and got assigned a matching specialist. Here’s where our first big error occurred – our matching specialist did not respond to our emails and did not help us at all with matching. We did all of that ourselves and thought we were on top of it – stupidly we thought how hard can this be?
Pretty hard. We matched with a girl we thought was great, we trusted her when she said she had extensive experience with infants (though her profile only mentioned 6m+, she reassured us she had experience with younger as well) and that multiples were fine. This au pair is 20, and Brazilian, and seemed bubbly and excited. We asked all the usual questions (we used some question examples from your website and from the list Cultural Care provides) and got appropriate answers. We matched with her, and she arrived three weeks ago.
We thought everything was great, she was bubbly and friendly and teachable. There were a few hiccups, like when she tried shaking the baby up and down to burp her (I quickly stopped her and reviewed it, and she seemed to understand), or when she kept trying to pull one of the babies up by their wrists, but she stopped. We had family dinners every night where we talked about the day and asked her if she had any questions or concerns, and reviewed any questions or concerns we had.
Her english wasn’t great, but she kept telling us that she understands more than she speaks, and that she would always ask us if she didn’t understand something. She never did ask me to repeat myself, so I assumed she understood.
The only hiccup came when she tried to drive our car. We don’t require driving of the kids, and while we have a car available for her use, it would only be for her personal use. We live in a snowy area, and were concerned about how she would cope with that, so my husband took her for a quick “snow driving lesson” in a parking lot. It didn’t go so well. We did a few more lessons, and then trusted her with taking the car to her english class. She got there and back, but completely failed at parallel parking and nearly hit another car in front of our house. She kept reassuring us that she is a good driver, but just needs to learn how to parallel park.
So, yesterday I jumped in the car with her and took her for a parallel parking lesson just around the block. We nearly died twice. She attempted to start the car in neutral. She could not do a 3-point turn. She stopped when there was no stop signs and we nearly got rear-ended. She drove 10 in a 30. We nearly got hit by a truck behind us because she reversed without looking. She forgot to take the e-brake off before driving. She forgot which way the car would go in reverse (as in, turned the wheel the opposite direction). She could not parallel park, again. What was supposed to be a quick 5m “hey, here’s how you parallel park” turned into a “oh god I’m going to die, she cannot drive”. And to be clear, this was within a two block distance. Maybe a half mile, max. I’m honestly not sure at this point how she made it to the english class and back without hurting herself or others. I shudder to think what could’ve happened if she matched with a family who did require driving.
To be clear, she put in her matching profile that she drives daily and is an excellent driver. So this was concerning to me. We were thinking we’d just hire her a driving instructor for a day, get a real assessment, and that would fix the issue (we got the idea from your website). Unfortunately, as we discussed that that night, it came out that she is probably a good driver in Brazil, but panics when under any kind of stress and forgets basic information/skills. I asked her a hypothetical – what would you do if one of the babies had an injury, or stopped breathing? She said she’d start CPR. To be clear, the answer I was looking for here was call 911, not start CPR on an infant with a pulse. I’ve also reviewed hypotheticals with her more than once prior, and said to always just call 911, and she always told me she understood (but I think she didn’t really understand my english).
At that point, I decided I couldn’t trust her and would like to go with a rematch. I need someone who is cool under pressure. Childcare is stressful! I don’t think she came under false pretenses, I think she’s young and maybe didn’t know this about herself (though she did tell us during the skype interviews that she’s good under stress and gave examples of stress at her previous retail job).
Our agency has been pretty good with the rematch process so far, but also told me that my expectations are too high and that it is hard to find an au pair for infant twins. They suggested I hire a professional nanny for the first year and then do an au pair.
Are they right? Is an au pair not right for us? I thought we did everything right. We set her up with classes at the local community college, we offered a laptop and a phone and a car and checked in daily. We were honest about our lives and jobs. I stayed home with her for these first three weeks to train her and be sure she’d be comfortable. I was supposed to start back to work next month – that’s not happening now. I’m just lost. Do we try to rematch with someone older, with more experience? Do we just wait until the twins are 1 year old and then do an au pair? It’d be tough, but I can stay home for the next year if we need me to. I just don’t know how to tell if my expectations are too high, and I feel as though the agency is being very hard on me for wanting to rematch. Their opinion seems to be that “she’s fine with the kids, she just can’t drive, what’s the problem” whereas I’m of the opinion that I can’t trust someone with my children who panics in stressful situations.
What do I do?
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If you feel this au pair is not right for your babies you can’t ignore your intuition. When it comes to your kids I don’t think you can be asking too much. We’ve made sacrifices in other areas before, for example our current au pair can’t drive so we make arrangements to get her to where she needs to be and drive our kids around during the day because she is worth it. You may not find the perfect person, but you should at least be able to trust them with your babies. If you don’t have that, then cut your losses and move on to something else.
I think the right au pair is out there who can manage twins and drive herself around town. The tricky part is going to be finding one who can get here quickly so you can go back to work. As you probably have figured out, it takes about a month to get someone here after you match, and its always taken me a few weeks of interviewing people before I match. So I’d say if you want to take a chance on another au pair you’re looking at least another 1-2 months home from work.
I found myself in your shoes when I was just coming off maternity leave and our au pair who had been with us about 2 months wasn’t working out. In our case she was great with the baby but couldn’t handle my 4 year old. We went our separate ways and I stayed home from work about another month past what I planned so I could take the time to interview people and pick the right person. At first I tried finding an in-county au pair who was in the re-match process, but nobody who I talked to seemed right so we made the sacrifice and paid the extra money (and time) to start from scratch with a totally new person. I can tell you though that it has paid off! We matched with a GREAT Kenyan woman (she’s 26) and she has been with us for almost 2 years.
Picking au pairs is difficult when you can’t actually meet them in person before you hire them. I look for people with lots of experience (not just experience volunteering in centers, but actual experience with kids the same ages as your kids). And ask a lot of Tell me about a time when…, What would you do in a situation where….., What if – type of questions.
I had my first AP when my twins were 2months (they are now 13 and had APs til they were 11)…it is possible. She was 26 from Germany and did an amazing job. I would look from Europe, generally good English, good drivers, etc.
You did all the right things and sometimes a match doesn’t work.
Can provide more details if you would like. Let me know.
We had twins 6 years ago – a few months prior we started looking for an au pair and and selected an 18 year old Australian. We really felt like we clicked in the interviews and we were very excited. She had an older sister who had just had a could and she had spent a good deal of time helping her. She arrived the night before the kids came home from the NICU and spent the next three months home with my wife and the kids. She was a very good and confident driver (even with the adjustment of driving on the other side of the road).
We had a fantastic year and she is the standard by which we measure all our au pairs (and we have had some as good since). I would write this one off but don’t be afraid to check out younger au pairs from countries with better driving standards. The driving issue can be extremely stressful even if it doesn’t involve driving kids.
Wow, I feel for you. As if it’s not hard enough bringing home twins now you have AP drama too. We have graduated from the AP program after hosting 13 APs and of those I only had one who was such a bad driver that I had to rematch because of it. I’ve always needed a driver and have therefore stuck with countries that have very strict licensing requirements. Most of our APs were German, but we also had luck with Austria and Finland. Since you live in a snowy area you may want to stick to countries that have snow. I also always looked for APs who had younger siblings, had worked a ‘real’ job of some sort and who had spent at least a little time away from home. I found that combination tended to foster maturity and confidence, which you need from someone watching babies. I feel confident you can find a wonderful AP who can check all your boxes, however it may take some time. I’ve resorted to babysitters when I’ve gone through rematch times, rather than take an in country AP who doesn’t meet all my standards. I wish you all the best.
We had three au pairs from Latin America over the years and we found that it can be rewarding, but it can be a lot of work to train a new au pair. The au pair’s age doesn’t necessarily mean she is more mature.The only au pair that didn’t work out for us was the oldest one at 26 years old. Ironically the two younger au pairs we loved the most also wrecked a car within 2 months (entire front end damage and the other was a complete loss). Honestly, with twins under 1 year old, I would hire a nanny for the first year (especially one that knows how to drive in snow) and then consider an au pair especially since your agency doesn’t have an option to pay a higher rate for more experienced au pairs.
Just one other note (since I am a nurse and teach Infant CPR): If your au pair recently took an Infant CPR class, the American Heart Association guidelines say if baby is unresponsive or not breathing or gasping, to call out for help, to call 911, and start compressions (30 and then 2 breaths) until paramedics arrive. Most people don’t know where to check for a pulse on a baby or what heart rate is normal, and nurses/doctors will start compressions WITH a pulse if the heart rate is too slow. For the regular public, we just say start compressions if baby is unresponsive because if baby is unresponsive, there is not enough oxygen in the brain to keep them conscious. Doing compressions and breaths after calling 911 is essential for the baby to survive. It sounds like your au pair may be correct on that one thing.
It’s so hard when your first au pair experience doesn’t go well, but don’t despair! We also had a rematch with our very first one and have only one company to use. We have had (mostly) excellent experiences after that first one-we just matched with our 10th (and final) au pair. Our host family handbook started out as two pages and has grown to 18 to address new situations/problems we encounter . For us, over the years, we have started the matching process earlier and earlier (in November for a May arrival), we only interview candidates who have experience with kids similar in age to our kids AND who have siblings (we have three kids-an only child doesn’t seem to “get” sibling rivalry/etc.), and have been very happy with candidates from one particular country (Germany) due to their excellent drivers license training/requirements, great English language education/skills, and cultural values such as honesty, work ethic, etc. With time, you may come up with your own formula, but looking for an honest person who has real experience with infants is critical! Our kids are grown/able to talk now, but you have to have an honest person to be able to trust him/her with your babies since they can’t tell you what’s going on when you’re not there. If you need a driver, I recommend looking for a German au pair if possible. Also, don’t be afraid to select an au pair from the rematch pool. Just make sure to speak with the former host parents to find out more about the situation. Their “problems” might seem silly to you. We were able to find our favorite au pair through the rematch process.
Definitely trust your instincts. If you already feel that you do not trust this au pair with your babies, that is enough. Trust is the most important part of an au pair relationship and will affect the rest of your year. It is time to move on to a childcare provider or situation that you feel good about.
And please see if the agency has in-country APs. We had to scramble a few yrs ago after the agency cancelled the AP participation in the program and she could not enter the US. So we had to scramble to find another AP. This was our best AP yet! We are still in touch w her. She was a week away from going home bec she was in a rematch and ended up working wonderfully for us. Ignore the agency guilt tripping you into sticking w this AP.
Rematch! You can and will find a great au pair for your family. None of the agency matching specialists are helpful and if you want that kind of service you are going to be better off with a local nanny placement agency (but will spend $$$$). Instead, use this opportunity to figure what exactly you want, don’t compromise and I second the recommendation to hire an au pair already in country while you figure out what works for your family. Rematch or extension au pairs have a lot less issues with adjustment and are usually decent drivers (or driving problems have been identified).
Our Au Pair just went back home after 5 months. We ended up not letting her drive. I think driving standards are very different in other countries and somebody who is a good driver in another country might not be a good driver by our standards. I took our Au Pair out and had the same experience as you, thought I was going to die several times. Our Au Pair didn’t have to drive our son, so it wasn’t a deal breaker for us. I told her we would only feel comfortable with her taking the car, if she take the written and driving test and she didn’t seem interested in that at all. I would drive her to classes and the train station, if need be.
I didn’t want to worry about my car while she is out st night and I have to go to work very early in the morning. All the risk is on you and there is really no benefit for letting them use the car.
An older au pair might not be more qualified, so I wouldn’t say that you are better off with an older person. Our Au Pair was 27 and seemed very immature to me. I was more mature and responsible at 19 when I was an Au Pair.
We ended up hiring a local girl to watch our son because we were past the rematch time and would have had to start over with a new contract. I think you might be better off hiring somebody you can actually meet and interview a head of time.
I feel like I worry a lot less now because I know I can just send a quick text and I know she will understand immediately. I really wanted the whole au pair thing to work for us, but in the end I think it’s not good for everybody’s situation. Outway the pros and cons!
Soooo stressful. I feel for you! I like that she has a good attitude but we have found after 10+ years of au pairs that our rematch instinct is always right and sooner is better than later. It sucks to endure the stress of rematch and time investment to speed match and reinvest in training and emotionally in a new relationship – that’s the truth, BUT we have found three of our four best au pairs in rematch. There are great au pairs out there and – yes – infant twins are a tougher assignment and maybe harder in a smaller town than a big cluster, but I think you might want to pick someone older for two babies and you sound like a reasonable and caring family. The driving may be able to improve with lessons but just compounds what is the bigger issue – she does not sound like the right fit and you’ve lost trust. Keep in mind that au pairs are not professional nannies and so your quizzing her on what she would do in emergencies is tough – i might not pass that test either! But if she doesn’t have strong infant care skills and has a questionable understanding of your instructions…you have to be comfortable. We had a similar situation when my son was a baby – very limited English and driving issues (but we had other transit options and did not need a driver for our kids at that time), but that au pair definitely knew what she was doing from a childcare standpoint and took perfect care of him – no diaper rash for the entire year and she loved him so much – so we could put up with the driving and language issues because we had no doubts on care and safety. Trust your gut.
Rematch! If it isn’t working now and you’re in the beginning, it will only get worse. Plus, other issues will arise. I think you can find another au pair with that is fully capable to deal with multiples. I’d also say age isn’t necessarily an indicator of experience. Our first au pair was 24, from Europe, and a total ditz. I changed my approach & criteria in what I looked for in an au pair. Our next au pair, 20yo from South Africa and she is amazing. Much more mature than the older au pair in terms of experience, communication, the whole shebang.
We’re on our first au pair, so my experience is limited, but I’ve also done the nanny thing and the daycare thing with various combinations of my kids (2, 4, and 6). I feel like teachability is so important with au pairs. They’re going to be young and likely very inexperienced, but they should be willing and able to learn from you as they go along. And of course trust. You should feel comfortable that your children are being well cared for when you’re at work, or you’re not going to get anything done when you’re away from home. At least that was my experience — when we’ve gone through periods when childcare was up in the air, I couldn’t focus at work.
I might be able to add a little perspective here as a host mom and now local coordinator. When you have a first time host family that asks for a rematch when nothing has actually occurred and there was not a support meeting and attempt to mediate/fix for a couple of weeks it does read like unrealistic expectations. Just follow me here for a minute…
If you came to me as your LCC and said she couldn’t drive but you do not need a driver so you are not worried about that but you asked her hypothetical questions and she gave a wrong answer so now you want her out – I would honestly see that as extreme and try to get to the bottom of why such a seemingly extreme reaction. I am not saying you are wrong or should not rematch. I am saying when you look at the situation on paper, it does seem extreme. I would likely immediately offer to come out for a support meeting and try to find out if there are other underlying issues, what answer you expected and why and find out why she answered incorrectly/as she did. Did she actually understand when you reviewed before?
One thing I see ALL THE TIME in households with au pairs that are learning better English is a frustration with the au pairs for not “asking questions” or “telling us” if they don’t understand. Here is the problem with that. They think they understand! So if they think they understand why would they ask you a question? You are asking the person that might not understand you to let you know if they don’t understand you. I did the same thing as a new host mom but I quickly realized after multiple miscommunications it doesn’t work. After that I started emailing important guidance after having the conversation (so she could read it again and use translate if needed) and made the au pair tell me in her own words what I had communicated to her (like you did at the end asking what would you do if…). Here is the difference. If she gave me the wrong answer, I would explain and coach and then she got it right from then on. In this case there was no opportunity to coach.
I always tell families where there is a gap to assume she did not understand you in the first place. So here, assuming she didn’t understand you before it does seem extreme to toss her out because she did not get the answer right.
Now, I tend on the side of hire for attitude train for skill. You mentioned other examples where you coached her and she immediately adjusted (bouncing baby, using wrists etc) that means she is coachable which is huge.
If you were a family in my group I would try to get you to separate driving stress and ability (which you don’t need) from her enthusiasm/energy/fit in your family and actual skills needed to be successful. If everything else is great and your concerns stem entirely from her answers to that series of questions she may not have properly understood before I would encourage you to work together (and I would help) in coaching her up.
You also mentioned being disappointed there were not professional level au pairs – this also hints at high expectations. She told you after a stressful driving event that she sometimes doesn’t perform well under pressure (my first au pair was also a terrible driver, almost killed us practicing and completely freaked and failed driving test multiple times and couldn’t handle the pressure of having husband or I practice with her) but she was absolutely great with my kids and I didn’t have any reason to connect her stress from driving pressure with something going wrong with the kids. My first AP clearly loved my babies, was very coachable and watched over them like a mama hawk. Things happen even when parents are around and you do need to be able to trust your au pair, the question is – because you have never had another au pair – are you going to trust any au pair with your precious twins? Au pairs are not professionals but they do sometimes have great experience or coachability and you can make them what you are looking for/great.
Honestly if you like this AP otherwise and she is fine with not driving (many APs would rematch themselves over this) I would keep her (for now) and see if you can’t coach her. She’s already there, you have already taught her a ton, just get the gaps filled. Tell her your concerns candidly (we are afraid if something happens that you will panic and not know what to do or do the wrong thing) and then see if she rises to the occasion. Send her your expectations in email and review them and have her explain to you what she would do in case of emergency. Maybe even rehearse parts of it. I find it hard to believe if something actually happened that she would not call 911. If it makes you feel better set it up as a speed dial on your phone or hers, write it in huge numbers on the side of the fridge etc.
I have several APs that have infants in the group. I have never heard (knock on wood) of an AP having to dial 911 ever in almost a decade of hosting. Luckily we have not (knock on wood) had emergencies ourselves but we have had various scenarios over the years and the APs always rose to the occasion. Once my brother had a seizure and my AP got my parents and took my kids out (she had no idea what to do about a seizure and didn’t want my kids to witness – right call, never discussed in training). Had son split his head open (about an inch gash) and AP butterflied it shut immediately and sent me photo (it held = no stitches needed). Had toddler bang her eye on a corner and AP put ice pack on her and called my cell, sent me photo and I had her meet me at urgent care to get it glued (we have very active kiddos = urgent care frequent flyer punch card).
Now, our one rematch our AP was putting our kids in danger (handing small child very sharp knife, driving kids for work and getting far lost – no idea where she was – hours to get home, kid playing in driveway with board with nails in it, kid playing outside in freezing weather without a coat = clearly she had no safety awareness whatsoever). That is different. If however this AP seems to have safety awareness (zero chance that AP is going to do CPR on her own I don’t care what she says when asked a question) I would give her a shot. Just my two cents.
You are mom. You have to trust your gut but you also have to know that even if someone gives you perfect answers it might not be what they actually do in an emergency and that someone that loves your family and your kids is going to do everything possible to love/protect them. Also remember she is 20 and doesn’t have her mom superpowers yet but can still be great. It might be too late, you might be done by now!
We had an au pair arrive when our twins were three months old, and have successfully hosted ever since. You CAN be successful with an au pair with twins, but need to screen carefully. It doesn’t sound like you’re having trouble with her child care, but rather with her language ability and driving – which you don’t need her to do. I realize that she’ll probably be happier if she can drive, but that’s not your problem- your problem is childcare.
Sit down with her and lay this out (if I’m reading this correctly). If her childcare is good, she can stay with your family but as a non-driver. Language will still be an issue She will need to bum rides from friends or uber when she wants to go places. Yes, this will be painful if she thought she would be able to drive when she agreed to match. Or she can choose to rematch because she doesn’t like the new conditions imposed after she was in an accident with a truck. Make sure that this fact is clear in any rematch paperwork.
If you change your requirements to have a non-driver, chances are you can find a great rematch au pair who has had an accident. They will be highly motivated to please you. Screen for language ability as well as childcare experience, which likely means focusing on Europe, Australia, and South Africa unless you’re fluent in Spanish.
It can be done. One of the companies’ tricks to success is to make “difficult” families self-select out, coincidentally when refunds are no longer available. If you want an au pair keep looking.
I think, if you don’t believe she is a good match, nothing will change your mind in the future, but I also believe if driving is not required and she is good with the kids, the only problem is that you don’t trust her with the car, just don’t let her drive.
You mentioned you live in the Midwest, so I would guess it’s somewhere where driving is needed right? Well, if she can’t drive, she will have to understand her own limitations.
When I drove for the first time with my host mom, it was my first time driving in another country, where the signs where different, the language wasn’t my mother tongue and it is a lot of pressure when you know the person next to you is evaluating you. I remember almost running a red light, my HM wanted to show me something and told me to look, and I did, even though I was a driver for years in a big city where I’m from in my country. I apologized and she apologized back, saying it was her fault for distracting me. End of story, I became the best AP driver they ever had, according to them, and was trusted over other au pairs and host families, to carpool and drive my Host Kids and other Host kids to playdates, zoo, parks, and even the aquarium in another state. In 2 years with the same family, zero accidents, minor or major crashes thank God. Nothing bad ever happened in any scenario, meanwhile I had 2 friends who got into minor crashes. I became the designated driver for group activities.
It’s up to your intuition to give her another shot or not, but if her only trouble is with the car and driving isn’t required, maybe you could try again, or she will be a great match to another family in a big city where she can use public transportation.
About the other things she did that bothered you, I don’t think that’s a reason for a rematch, AP needs lots of orientation, but again, if you don’t feel like trusting her, go with your guts.
Gosh, your stories sound horrible… I’m also a former au pair, and didn’t have problems with my host. But i was in a facebook aupair’s group and, honestly, i’d never hire girls that i’ve met there. They might be nice with kids, but crazy in their free time (parties, smoking weed, dating every week with different gays and often drive car when drunk!)…
Now I’m about to hire an au pair, she also has just basic English and im really worrying. I have 2 kids: 30 and 10 m.o., the youngest is about starting to walk, so both need a lot of attention. I’m wondering if there is a tool or a mobile app that can help me communicate with the au pair, be sure she is safe in free time and drives safely? I’ve heard about Wherezit app, but maybe anyone has additional suggestions? I would even install cameras in the house if it legal, but not sure…probably will try wherezit
Hi,
Okay, I got really annoyed when CC told me that my expectations were too high and I couldn’t expect to find a unicorn each time…umm, yes I will. My kids deserve the best!
So far we have picked great girls!
We started with an AP when our twins were newborns too and we also have an older child (who was in kindergarten at the time). We had a Brazilian that year and she was great – she was patient with them and went above and beyond with things that I didn’t even ask her to do. I know twin infants is a lot so I pretty much expected her to feed/diaper etc and stick to our schedule, but she took initiative to do more and even bathed them every afternoon. She was a responsible driver and a perfect balance of independence and family time.
I don’t think you are expecting too much and an au pair could totally handle infant twins!!
What does your intuition tell you: that she does things a certain way because she doesn’t know any better or that she thinks things are ok because it’s her individual experience it was ok in her home country? Next, does she adjust her actions when told or does she nod and do things how she’s going to do them anyway? You might see where I’m going here… A lack of knowledge is stressful but trainable. A complete lack of common sense is problematic, but possible to deal with. A defiance to your instructions and wishes is unlivable.
How is she in other aspects? Is she a good roommate and we’ll adjusted with friends in the area? If the answer is no here, then rematch. Your lack of confidence will bleed over into other aspects and you will hate having her in your home.
I’m a mother of twins, and we had our first AP when the babies were 3 months old. We lucked out and found a 25 year old Brazilian woman who had completed 3 years of a nursing degree. Her English started out pretty bad, but she quickly improved, and she was a total boss with the babies. She remains one of my favorites. That said, I think you can find a good AP for infant twins.
As far as driving, the fact that she repeatedly is terrible when you drive with her is very troubling. I could *maybe* understand her messing up the first time, but a truly excellent driver wouldn’t have so many problems as you describe.
In your scenario, I would ask to rematch. If that’s not possible, then I’d not let her use the car. She can use Uber or pay to rent a car for her convenience. You don’t want the liability of her driving your car.
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