When you email for advice…
Here are some things you should know:
1. I may take your email text, in part or in full, to use within a post about the topic you are asking about.
Often in order to share useful advice, people need some of the details of the situation.
Generally, I tend to edit the emails and remove some specifics, (e.g., city you’re in, actual country you are from, actual ages and genders of host kids) where those specifics are not critical
2. I will NOT post your name, email address or other specific identifying information, in an effort to keep the conversation about the issues that are raised and not about the particular individuals involved.
3. If you want to share your situation BUT keep some of the details private, you must TELL ME SPECIFICALLY which bits of information these are.
It is up to you to determine want you want to share with me/ AuPairMom vs what you want to remain off the blog itself.
4. I expect that your emails tell the truth as you see it, and that you aren’t adding additional ‘facts’ or over-dramatizing what’s happening.
We have to take your word for things since we aren’t there to assess the situation ourselves (obviously), so your word must be as honest and reliable as you can make it.
5. I am happy to add corrections (and note that they are corrections) if any agency guideline or process is incorrectly described in the post itself or by any of the commenters.
Please email me if you believe there is something inaccurate, and send me a link to the correct information.
That said, I will not add ‘corrections’ that are the ‘other side’ of the situation. We will not get into an “X said this/ Y said that” situation. If there are any other issues abut which I should make my policy clear, please let me know via email at mom at aupairmom. dot com. Ultimately, the reasons to email us need to include not only to get help for your individual situation but also to create advice and wisdom for the other users of the blog who might contribute to or learn from the discussions on any post. And as always, please make an effort to search the blog for advice on your situation before emailing. I can’t personally answer each email, and I am not able to send you replies to commonly-asked questions that have already been answered here on the blog.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello AuPairMom,
I am currently working with a family in Paris that is very disrespectful towards me and my time. I have tried to talk to them about them asking for more hours than promise as well as other issues and I see no change in sight. I have been here for three months. I would like to quit to find another au pair position, but wondering how you’d suggest I’d handle it. I want to give 2 weeks notice to give them some time to get childcare arranged. Do I be blunt and tell them it’s because of how they’re treating me (and then live in extreme unpleasantness for two weeks or make up some sort of excuse (i.e.: illness in the family)
I also wanted to add that I’m not using any sort of agency, so there’s no “rematch” that can be arranged on our behalves.
As we match with our 4th Au Pair, I find that we are facing a dilemma: to select a young woman who is a well trained childcare expert and who is committed to working in the education field with young children (i.e., a kindergarten teacher, etc.) or a young woman who is intellectual, ambitious, and pursuing some other fascinating field (journalism, dentistry, whatever). I have not found both in the same person, so feel compelled to choose one or the other. Many of the candidates I have interviewed from Germany who work in childcare do not complete the Arbitur degree which is the most rigorous high school diploma, but do a vocational degree instead. I find it’s been fabulous for my younger kids (ages 1.5 and 4) to have a trained childcare worker at home – and relaxing for me in the sense that I have the utmost confidence in what she is doing with the kids. I have learned a lot about child development and psychology from au pairs like these. On the other hand, for my eldest who is a bright 10 year old, and for me (we have dinners together as a family) it’s stimulating to converse with someone more worldly and educated. I would love to hear from other host families as to how they weigh these different kinds of backgrounds and how their experience has been! Thanks in advance.
@Intellectualmom
I recently started the AP programme because I realized I have a greater interest in childcare than Dentistry which I was doing my final year in. I never realized it was good idea to tell hosts that I have history in a degree.Do you think it is a good idea? Because I have been struggling to find a HF on the Interexchange programme. Assist me with some advice please.
You really left a degree in Dentistry in the final year to pursuit a profession where you earn around minimum wage? Have you ever thought of working as a dentist part-time and volunteering during the other half?
@Frankfurt AP boy
I did not enjoy the Course at all. And it is quite hard to pursue something you have no interest in. But I can always return to any university to finish the degree because it’s not like I failed or did bad in any modules. And the point of doing the programme was to earn experience to do a degree in Childcare.
I see. I am particularly mentioning it because I dropped out of a law degree in the final year to pursuit social care positions and it was a huge mistake. Having a completely degree means something, particularly if its such a difficult degree such as law or dentistry. If you really only have a year to go and strongly urge you to keep going. An academic year is about 9 months right? Just tough it out. An unfinished dentistry degree means nothing. In fact, some might interpret it as you not being able to finish things or that you didn’t have the capability to finish. However a completely dentistry degree means a lot.
Just to make clear my point about salaries: the average salary for a dentist in the USA is $145,588 a year. The average salary for a nursery worker is $19,770. It is a little less than 10x as much. Assuming you’d earn the average, you could work 4 or 5 hours a week as a dentist and earn the same as a nursery worker and then then other 35 or so hours a week, that people usually spend working, volunteering.
It is just a really really terrible decision in every possible way.
Angel,
As a host mom that just hosted an AP that left after her 3rd year of a 4 year program in physical therapy to take a break year to be an AP and then return to her home country to completely start over (in her country college is degree focused so none of her classes from those 3 years will count toward her new degree – business) I can tell you she doesn’t regret her decision and I don’t think you will either. It takes a lot of strength and self awareness to make a decision like that (especially with everyone telling you just to finish – same happened to our AP) so I was impressed. We picked her, she was great, learned a lot about herself and what she wanted to do, even extended an additional 6 mos because she had a lag before school started again. Loved her and was so glad to be a part of her life and helping her figure out her new direction/purpose.
To answer your question, I would absolutely put your college experience and explanation but that is me personally. It was a reason I chose our AP (showed courage, a lot of thought, maturity, self awareness, empathy – not wanting her parents to pay for another year of school she knew she wasn’t going to use, etc).
Especially if your new degree is related to childcare this is directly aligned to your degree and would probably help you determine if that is the right fit for you. I would put that on your profile as well (that you intend to pursue a degree in childcare after the program).
You have to do something you are at least a little interested in. I have watched so many people waste time doing things they hated. There is no perfect cakewalk career but if you have an interest it works out. Good luck to you!
It sounds like you know your answer already. In my humble opinion, it sounds like you have had success with one model in the past, but are curious about a new kind of au pair and want support in making the change. The wonderful part of bringing new people into your home, is the different perspectives they bring us. I say follow your new idea and change the model. You’re right that as children grow and change their needs change. Go for the new model!
Hi,
I am an au pair in a small town in Italy and this is my second summer with the same family. Initially I was happy and excited to be returning to them as a have a good relationship with them. However, this year I am quite unhappy as I feel athat because they know me now they use me and expect too much off me than what I am being paid for. The mum recently announced that she changed her hours at work without giving me the choice of being ok with this or not. Therefore, I am now working until 7pm and an extra 3 hours each day. She treats me like I am a child despite the fact I am almost 22. She always tells me what to wear, how much suncream to use, she passes comments if I eat something other than the three set meals they eat each day. The children are 10 and 12 and I do love them but they are so cheeky sometimes and she doesn’t do anything about it. They snatch my phone off me and come into my room on my days off. The mum also gets moody if I leave the house or do something on my days off or if I don’t come with them to family evens even when it’s my day off. I just feel trapped and unhappy, I feel like I can’t be myself. Also, my own mother is a single mother and extremely needs a baby sitter back home now and I would love to go back home and help her instead of her having to get a new baby sitter that she could not afford for my siblings she I am going to speak to the family and I can give the host mom 4 weeks notice before I leave but I am really scared of what she is going to say. Please give me some advice on how I should tell her I need to leave. I am going back to the U.K in 2 weeks for 3 days to do a job interview for September when I am meant to be going back but I am dreading coming back to Italy after that.
Hello Aupairmom,
I want to be fair and play by rules. I recently hired an au pair through an agency … . I read all your posts sent her the complete schedule and the duties involved. She came here and quit within 5 weeks. Now I’m on a rematch process since I realize that the refund is not generous.
I want to use aupairs for maximum of 45 hours/ week and 9 hours a day and nothing more. I realize most of aupairs these days are flexible in their schedule sometimes work overtime and in return expect privileges such as complete car privilege and curfew times that is almost non-existant and weekends off.
I feel that most of the aupairs from Latin america are feeling entitled and the local area director is pressuring me to give almost whatever the aupair is asking for. I find myself helpless since it appears no one is playing by the rules (the area director or the aupairs). I realized that this whole program is not just right for my family – it seems to work for others who want to exploit or just want to use them as home day care while they are gone (in big cities where this is cheaper).
I live in a large city… and the local aupair director is not helpful. Can you please advise if it is just me or should I try some other agency? I hate to sign up for 12 month contract again with new agency or hire someone from overseas. Please advice.
Thank you,
Sam
Dear AuPairMom
I’ve just given my host family my two weeks notice as it has been a really horrible experience so far. Two weeks notice was apart of the contract and I honestly have no idea how to survive it because the host family has told me exactly how they feel about me now (they hate me!).
How do I survive this? Please help.
Thanks!
Hi!
Wondering if there are any countries where the Au Pairs are known for being more mature, clean, and proactive around the house?
Good morning,
Thank you for putting together AuPairMom. It’s been very helpful and I often find myself reading through the archives.
We have now been with our first AP for 8 months. During this period we have had our ups and downs, but we do love our AP and think given the circumstances she has done an excellent job. She approached my husband and I about a 6 month extension.
Because our eldest has turned 3 we need to put him in preschool, but due to the cost of having and AP and the local preschool costs/ options we cannot afford both. It’s actually cheaper to put both our children in daycare (which includes preschool programs).
The problem is that we need to bridge the time between our AP and daycare; this time is 5-6 weeks. Our agency says they only extend 6, 9, or 12 months. Is it possible to get a one month extension? Is there anything that can be done? We’ve considered the 6 month extension but the risks (and cost) are too great. 6 months also puts us right in the middle of the holidays… It seems legally possible: https://j1visa.state.gov/participants/current/adjustments-and-extensions/
We do hope to engage in the AP community again in the future when our children are older.
Thanks.
Hi. I’m an au pair and have been with my family for about 7 months now.
Recently, they went on holidays for a weekend and I stayed at home alone. I asked them if my friend who was coming to visit from my home country could sleep here. They said no and i understood their decision. However, during her visit, the place I arranged for her to stay in, didn’t open the door at around 4am. My first instinct was to bring her to my house and let her sleep here and we’d be both gone in the morning. I did that, texted my HF right away apologizing and explaining the situation. That my friend had no other resources and I couldn’t leave her out on the street.
When they came home from their holiday, they told me they were extremely unpleased and they want to fire me for breaking their trust. I apologized, explained my regret and poor handling of the situation and they still didn’t care.
Help me try to understand if I am the one who’s absolutely wrong here, or if they are overreacting.
Hey AuPairMom!
I’ve had some of ongoing issues (working over the 45 hours, not having an actual schedule-my HP just text me when they need me, I’m not allowed to eat during my work hours, doing more housework than I think I’m supposed to be doing like cleaning the fridge, organizing the pantry etc.) with my HF for a couple of months now, but my LCC won’t do anything about it, I’ve spoken to her multiple times about it, I’ve even contacted the regional coordinator, but it’s been 2/3 months and nothing has changed.
How do I handle this? Please help ?
Hello AuPairMom!
I am currently an au pair in the Netherlands in a very tiny village. I have lived in the country before for study abroad living in a large city and come from a large city back in the states. Knowing this, I cannot seem to adjust to living somewhere so secluded. It is really taking a toll on my mental health. I really love the family I work for, but see myself getting more and more closed off and sad here. I go out every weekend as soon as I have time off and go to the bigger cities (which isn’t cheap nor close).
I am considering a rematch because of this. Would that be wrong of me? I really don’t feel as though I am providing the family and children with the best care that I could be if I were more content in a larger city where there was more to do. I like taking the kids to the park, to museums, to the pool etc.. stuff I just cannot do living here. I have reached out to my agency but haven’t heard anything. Do you have any advice for me in this situation?? I have an interview with another family planned on the DL, just to see what my options are. But I’m scared and confused. I don’t want to hurt my host family but at the same time I also don’t want to hurt myself.
Thanks
Hello,
My name isCourtney and I have an eight year old with special needs. I am considering hosting an au pair but I have so many questions, fears and worries. If anyone has any advice, details on the process, or anything that could help us make an educated decision please email me. We live in the DMV area. Thank you in advance.
day_102989@yahoo.com
Hello!
We have a new au pair with our family in Massachusetts. She works 27 hours per week (over 3 days) and is paid $12.75/hour (under our new law). We are allowed to deduct $77/week for room and board. As such, her average weekly pay is around $270 for three (nine-hour) days of work. We have provided a car for our au pairs’ exclusive use in the past and have generally only required that they pay for gas. After the law requiring au pairs be paid minimum wage, we considered charging the au pairs a “flat fee” for use of the car, assuming that the use would mostly be around our area and only a few longer road trips.
Our current au pair has a family member / friend / boyfriend (irrelevant) who lives 110 miles each way from our house and has requested to use the car for travel back and forth on “some” weekends — According to her, it will be at most every other weekend, but at least once per month. We’re trying to determine a reasonable way for her to compensate us for “wear and tear”. We suggested using the IRS reimbursement guidelines for 2020 and suggested that a flat rate of $50/week (gas included), for unlimited use of the car. This is based on her going less than half the time, but more than a third of the time. She believes this is too expensive.
Has anybody had a similar experience with an au pair who requests to use your vehicle for REGULAR long distance (220 mile) trips? Keep in mind, in Massachusetts we are required to pay au pairs a “living wage”, under which they should theoretically be able to pay for these expenses themselves…
Hello,
I noticed that much as not been posted since COVID but wanted to ask your advice. I have a second year au pair who had no house rules with his last family. Thus, he appears to be ignoring COVID recommendations (meeting women online and going on dates, eating inside restaurants, shopping any chance he gets etc.). Normally, I would not be concerned with this but I am fearful that he will bring COVID to our home. He said that it is no big deal since he (and everyone in our house family are all young). Also, one of his parents back home got COVID and recovered without any problems. What are some sample rules that folks have? Am I overreacting? Any advice?
Worried House Mom
Hi,
We have one infant and this is our first experience being a host family. We have had a rocky start as I have gone back to work and felt that our au pair has consistently taken advantage of us. We have since worked through most our previous issues however food remains an issue for my husband and I. We have come to agreement that she is welcome to all food in our home plus a $30 budget each week for any extra food she wants for herself. Lately the issue is she is typically cooking in the kitchen for herself when I would try to cook dinner for the family. We end up ordering delivery and in the past she has been mad at us for not offering food when we order out. However it’s very frustrating for us to order out because there isn’t room for us to cook at dinner time then she eats her dinner and expects us to buy her a second dinner “for later”. What is a fair way to approach this issue moving forward? As we have never done this before she has pointed out how unreasonable we have been previously with certain issues like transportation since we live in such a rural area (the nearest bus stop is 5 miles away). We have made efforts to appease her within boundaries we can accept but feel our generosity is frequently expected as with buying two dinners. Thank you in advance for any perspective on this.