The Rematch / Transition Process makes everyone tense.
Au Pairs want to find a better situation but worry that host families will assume that rematch was their fault.
Host Families want to find an in-country au pair who’ll fit better with their family, but want to avoid taking on some other family’s “reject”.
Agencies want to keep host families happy and to keep Au Pairs placed — as long as there’s no problem beyond a “bad fit” between the family and Au Pair.
In an ideal world, rematch would be easy and swift because the reasons why an Au Pair “went into rematch” would be clear, correct, and verifiable by prospective Host Parents.
Okay, stop laughing.
We know what it’s a fantasy to imagine that we could telephone the Host Family from which an Au Pair is departing and get the whole and accurate truth about the Au Pair and why the match didn’t work. We know it’s a fantasy that any party can be completely unbiased, forthcoming, and honest when relationships go awry.
But still — I’ve argued in the past that Host Parents considering a rematch Au pair should always try to talk with the soon-to-be-former Host Parents.
Even if the soon-to-be-former Host Parents only tell one side of the story, and especially if you can take it all with a grain of salt, you will more often than not get information that will help you choose (or pass on) any particular rematch Au Pair.
We’ve discovered, though, that not every Au Pair Agency makes it possible for Host Families to talk to the soon-to-be-former Host Parents of the Rematch Au Pair.
We understand that in certain situations, the Host Family’s perspective will be unreliable– what host family would say “It was entirely our fault that the match didn’t work”?
But in most situations, wouldn’t we expect that the soon-to-be-former Host Parents would at least give us fairly decent perspective? So why not give us the chance to talk to most soon-to-be-former Host Parents?
As one Host Mom writes:
I am hoping AuPairMom will do a column about rematch and how imperative it is to speak to the prior host family when you’re considering a Rematch Au Pair.
I belong to a few private host parent groups on Facebook. We have found terrible discrepancies between the true story (that we’ve heard from the Host Parent in the group) and the Rematch documents that the Agencies posted in the Au Pair’s file. (Former/ outgoing Host Families aren’t able to see these documents…. but we’ve shared the min the groups.)
We have found that the agencies and au pairs claim that host families don’t want to be contacted about the departing Au Pair and asked to offer their references or perspectives. But outgoing Host Familes DO want to be contacted by prospective Host Parents.
In our group, we have found serious issues that have led to rematches. But these issues haven’t prevented the Au Pairs from finding another family, because the other families never hear the whole story. For example, we’ve seen Au pairs rematched for leaving children alone, hitting children, and bulimia, to name a few. The next host family never contacted previous host family.
Please do a column about rematch and how important it is to contact the prior host family.
My most awesome Au pairs were from rematch- but references MUST be checked despite what the au pair companies tell you!
Which Agencies (generally) permit a potential Host Parent to contact the soon-to-be-former Host Parent?
It would help to know whether your Agency has a blanket policy of “no contact” or not. Can we crowdsource this information? If you know for sure whether your Agency allows soon-to-be-former Host Parents to be contacted by prospective Host Parents:
Here’s a link to a Google Spreadsheet that anyone can edit to add information about the policies of specific agencies– with regard to talking to the host families of Au Pairs in Rematch.
AuPairMom Agency Rematch References Policies
Thanks so much for contributing to the shared resource. Other comments? Add them below.
See also:
Host Parent Wish: That Rematch would fix things, not send problems to another family
Image: Fruit by Ginny on Flickr
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I feel like if I post to the google doc, my name will appear as the last person to comment, and I want to stay incognito.
Cultural Care is a YES. It is one of the main reasons I stay with CCAP. They provide the contact info. I am pretty sure that APC and APIA do not, but I am not a customer of theirs and so I can’t be sure.
It is rough to adjudicate crazy-incompatible stories, but better to be the one doing the adjudication than to be stuck with some half-story that an agency provides.
I don’t think so IF you don’t log in (look at upper right corner); and it seems permissions on this google doc allow non-logged in posters
I just tried, put an X in a box, let it auto save, closed the document, then reopened and this is what it said at the top:
“Last edit was made seconds ago by anonymous”
Not that this means you should do this SBW :) but just for other folks who may be wondering!!
***CV – you might want to state this explicitly — that folks posts are anonymous and not tagged to their “real” email/name if they are not logged in to Google Docs
This never even occurred to me! Thank you all for raising the issue and offering a solution!
AuPairCare provides the number of the Host families if they choose to serve as a reference. I have found that the APC community of Area Directors also call the au pair in rematches Area Director for a reference.
With CCAP, do you have to ask for the contact info? It seems sometimes to be available, and other times not – and I’m nearly 100% positive that our contact info is NOT in our former au pair’s file (who’s now on her second rematch). We also weren’t consulted or asked to provide any point of view on what went into the transition document itself – and, in her case, CCAP did not include the standard boilerplate language about contacting the former host family. It felt a lot to me like a deliberate exclusion, because they wanted to rematch her and knew that we would tell anyone who asked about her lying and deception.
We have been in rematch twice with APIA- first I helped our AP find a new match and actively talked to the families she was looking at – Hers was for driving issues only- so that was fine and in my second one, I talked to both host moms of the two girls we thought would be the final ones. Host moms for both candidates were great- but the girl we selected – her host mom thought her intentions weren’t great. Anyway, given that, we still picked her and it’s been great. Our first rematch- I switched agencies because Apia had no candidates but then definitely got a dud- I mean she was fine enough but she wouldn’t have been our first choice if we had choices —
Long time lurker, first time commenter. Just a quick note that “the true story (that we’ve heard from the Host Parent in the group)” — assumes that host parents are always 100% unbiased. I definitely know lots of au pairs who were at fault for their rematch, but a friend is rematching because she found nanny cams all over the house including in her space. Please don’t assume the host family is telling the truth, and that the au pair is lying. The truth is usually in the middle between the two
I don’t think anyone is assuming the HP is ever unbiased. Talking about discrepancies in the transition paperwork can definitely go both ways. What I am trying to stress is that it’s important to document issues, know what you’re signing (true for many other things), and be honest and forthcoming about reasons and roles in these situations.
AuPairUSA , also known as Interexchange, does not let jost parents contact former ones, as a policy. at least this was the case years ago when i was with them.
my current agency, GoAuPair, does, and has prior family contact info on the rematch documents
I can confirm that IE does not provide contact info of previous family, unless the rematch is circumstantial (i.e.- family leaving the program bc HP lost job, etc.). I haven’t heard about families getting in trouble for circumventing the agency to get the contact details though… (I think someone posted that on the spreadsheet).
Last go-around, I did contact the host family of an au pair in rematch. She was thorough and had dares and times with incidents, LLC mediations, outcomes and “the last straw.” The au pair left twin 3 year-old ALONE and went to the gym in the family car. Corporate CCAP neglected to mention that when they were suggestion she wanted to be in a bigger city. My LCC had been on vacation, I doubt she would have even been a potential candidate if I had just waited. I trust my LCC, I do not trust CCAP one iota. It’s imperative to talk to the host family AND address the discrepancies with a prospective au pair. I know au pairs who had been with terrible families. His or her ability to discuss the issue is indicative. When I asked this au pair about leaving the children alone, she said the host mom was 5-10 minutes late and that the kids were busy playing. Clearly, I did not select her. I told corporate and they suggested she’d be good with a different family dynamic. WTF. We’re on our own parents to do the research unless you have a fantastic LCC who will be a resource. Lesson learned–research and rely upon resources you know won’t lead you astray.
My LCc with ccap just tried to tell me what to write about a serious mediation with our rematch who wants to extend. I write a lot of professional references so was entirely fair but could not imagine endorsing her to another family without the truth.
At te end of the mediation, I had to edit her document on the incident before I signed it because she tried to sugarcoat it.
DCBurbTwinMomma, please read my info below and ALWAYS feel free to call me if you ever want an inside scoop from CCAP. All you have to do is call and I’m on it for you!
Hi Julie,
I’m sure you are a fantastic LCC but unfortunately Cultural Care is not. I would not believe them anymore. We have been mistreated so many times in just few month’s time.
I only interviewed one rematch AP, and while her LCC (APIA) said the HM didn’t want to be bothered, she gave a pretty thorough reckoning of the AP and backed up her story. When we offered to match, our LCC expressed surprise, which was a red flag that there was documentation that we couldn’t see. The AP chose to match with a family closer to the location in which she was currently living, so we never tested the waters. Because she was the only special needs willing AP in rematch, we ended up matching with an out-of-country AP. Meanwhile, no HF contacted me about our rematch AP – my LCC said that she ended up in rematch again, which was no surprise to me. If you can’t talk to the HM and have a great LCC, then use her to see if there are underlying issues which could spell trouble.
Now, I have taken in a variety of women in rematch whose families had kicked them out – and the majority ended up going home. One woman came from a situation in which she was “the adult in charge” but her HM didn’t consider her working if the child wasn’t awake – but she wasn’t “free” enough to take classes. She was well-known to us, and interacted with our children enough that we felt that we could honestly discuss her qualities with potential HF and willingly did so.
Recently, I took in my current AP’s best friend, and despite telling her that I would, when I came to see her potential AP qualities, be willing to talk to future HF on her behalf, she barely interacted with my children and was such a lump that I couldn’t imagine her engaging with children enough to be anything more than a warm body in a house. After two weeks of hosting her, I asked my LCC to light a fire under her LCC and get her out of my house. While my own AP was too polite to say so, I could tell that she had tired of having this woman in her room constantly. She did find a family with whom to rematch.
We’re with APIA and have been through two rematches. I remember seeing contact info for the prior host family on the paperwork we got about rematch au pairs, but you had to LOOK to find it. We wound up with an out of country au pair after our first rematch (all infant qualified candidates in the “pool” at that time were there due to traffic accidents or had a significant history of traffic accidents and we needed a driver) and an extension candidate the second time – we liked her enough to wait for her to be available and sent the kids to “Camp Grandma.”
That said, I think the new host family did call me about the first rematch au pair – she told us she thought twin toddlers were too much work then matched with a family with younger twins – that would age into being toddlers while she was there. I suggested asking her what she thought would be different in the new house than ours, I don’t think the HM did. In retrospect the rematch au pair was saying something palatable to get out of our house, and “traded up” host families to one with a mansion and a housekeeper – two things we very openly state during matching we don’t have. Once we figured out she’d rather be somewhere else (when she asked to rematch :)) we supported her decision to leave.
Our second rematch, though, I was HOPING someone would call. I’m confident that APIA told prospective host families that we wouldn’t give a positive reference anyway so not to bother calling. They were right – when someone tells me three and a half days into her year that she can’t stand having my two year old touch her, she’s not going to get a good reference. But anyone that asked her how she was being treated during her rematch period – hearing that we’d moved the kids out of the house because we didn’t dare leave them with her (we phrased it to her that we wanted her to be able to concentrate on finding another family – because we KNEW that she wouldn’t be watching the kids at that point anyway, she’d be on the phone/skype all day either with home or prospective families), but she had full access to the car and food in the house – would have realized we were treating her like gold even though she had torn our life apart.
So – my red flag for people looking at rematch candidates, even if the agency doesn’t want to let you contact the host family – ask if the candidate is still caring for the kids during the rematch period. Our “trade up” au pair was – the kids were safe with her even though she wanted to be somewhere else. Miss Three and a Half Days was no longer taking care of the kids because we didn’t feel they were safe with her. And childcare coverage is hard – so if a family willingly put themselves in a position to need coverage when technically they could be using that rematching au pair for coverage – there’s a PROBLEM even if it isn’t laid out in the rematch paperwork.
Also, I think I read here at one point about a family that took rematch au pairs but if their company didn’t give them the previous host family’s contact information, they made the candidate give it to them so they could talk to the previous family. That would be a way to get the info without going through the company.
I am really fed up with APIA!
For the second time in less than a year, I have a failed APIA au pair staying in my house who has been kicked out of her host family’s house and failed at rematch, and she can’t afford to leave. In both situations, APIA representative has had a very “not our problem!” attitude (though I did badger them into paying for the first AP’s flight home). They act like that because these au pairs signed contracts before arriving, it’s not APIA’s fault when they fail for completely predictable reasons (in both cases, bad drivers).
Even if contractually they are in the clear (which I very much doubt they would be, in a court of law), I tell them it’s terrible to put these APs and their host families in this situation, and that it is bad for their reputation. How many thousands are the families shelling out a year and the agency is too cheap to buy a $300 ticket for a destitute, homeless, failed AP? I was told in the last case “she had money to go on a vacation last month!” Well, it’s funny how finances change once you aren’t earning a salary anymore and your host family has kicked you out (along with access to car and phone)! I think it’s just completely inappropriate and unfair to tell these girls to have their families wire them money.
I don’t believe that APIA is appropriately supporting their host families when problems arise, nor fairly representing their APs’ driving ability, and the completely foreseeable consequences are very disheartening.
I’ve never understood the idea that failed AP’s are responsible to figure out how to get home on their own and pay for it! Once they’re no longer working they’re out of compliance with their visa and legally cannot stay in the country, yet the agency holding their visa has no responsibility to help them leave????? It is just so WRONG!
I do think it’s important that AP’s have some “skin in the game” so they don’t just quit when it get tough. Maybe the agency should hold a deposit of sorts for them until they end the year satisfactorily???? This is something the State Department should spend some time looking into instead of worrying about the stipend.
APIA used to give the APs $250 cash back for completing their year. Perhaps an LCC could explain why they stopped.
Go Aupair has this policy and make the aupair put in a deposit (I think it was $500) as an incentive to finish the program.
At some point when I’m at a computer, I’ll figure out the Google docs thing, but for now, from my phone, I’ll just post here.
Both CCAP and APC allow HF contact, although it is a new thing for APC, and they are clearly uncomfortable with it. I found CCAP to be very transparent, with written statements from both HF and LCC, and contact info easily obtained. I also found the machining coordinator to be extremely helpful offering additional insight when she had it.
APC does not allow HF contact until you have spoken with the AP and the AD, and even then the feeling I got was “oh… you still want to speak with them? I guess that will be okay…” Really, they would have been happy with me just speaking with the AP, reading the truncated, sanitized written summary on the website, and filling in any gaps with my own AD (who just read–but didn’t share– then longer form report she was given.) I was on my second rematch in a row, however, and I was not about to select anyone without the full story, so I insisted.
With each agency, I found it critical to speak with all three (HF, LCC, AP), keeping in mind the perspectives and motivations of each. The most helpful thing for me was to ask each about the same topic (reason for rematch, biggetst challenges, best part of the experience, specific incidents, etc) and listen for the overlaps and discrepancies. I ran across one or two situations where the stories were wildly divergent (one at each agency that I can recall), but for the most part, the stories differed mainly in perspective.
Current AP’s previous HM was extremely critical of him and laid out her concerns in great detail. However, I was able to balance her concerns against the perspective of the AD, and the explanations offered by the AP. I also was able to tell from talking to HM that many of her concerns were not things that were important to our family. He has been a terrific AP for us, and we’ve extended for another year.
I’ve interviewed rematch candidates from 3 agencies – CCAP, APC and APIA. Cultural care has the former HF contact there, APC gave it to me when I asked and APIA refused and the area director offered to talk to me any the AP which to me was a red flag. I always ask the aupairs if there are willing to share their host family contact details and since say yes and some say no, again a red flag. Actually had one AP ask me why I needed to talk to her HF and that she was offended because it seemed like I was saying she was lying. Clearly didn’t consider her after that convo.
Funny story, our rematch ap came from a rematch and I had talked to the HM who didn’t really have anything great to say but no safety issues. I ignored her feedback because 1) the AP had asked for the rematch and 2) my AP before who turned out to be amazing was also rematch and had bad feedback from a crazy HM. 2 weeks in and all the points raised by the HM was not happening in my house. First mediation one month in and we decided to transition a few weeks after.
APIA definitely does allow original HF contact. We had our first AP want to rematch (even though she had already begged us to extend and we had agreed) right before her first year was up, so that she could “see a different area of the country” and so that she “could work with younger children as she’d always wanted to.” Even though she disrupted our lives and caused enormous stress and expense, we were honest about both the pros and cons of our experiences with her and put down our contact info on the rematch form. I was very surprised that no one contacted us. I was not surprised to hear that her second match did not work out and she only lasted two months there.
I know a great AP in rematch now – she’s friends with my AP. The HM was at the same agency as us last year and we both switched to a different agency this year.
The LCCs with both agencies have acknowledged to me that this HM is a rule breaker and the current LCC even said she lied to the LCC at the rematch meeting about an agreement made at an earlier mediation. The list of grievances is pretty long – let’s just say you wouldn’t want your daughter to be in that home.
I hate to think of the story this HM might tell a prospective HP, especially since there is a history of dishonesty. At the same time, I can’t imagine not speaking with the prior HPs about a rematch candidate.
Have you thought about offering to let the rematching AP give out your info for a character reference? Even if you don’t have firsthand experience with the AP’s childcare, it sounds like you know the people involved well enough to have a clear sense of who (among agency reps, au pair, and old host family) is trustworthy. A prospective HP might really value getting that third-party perspective from another parent who is familiar with the situation, but who (unlike the LCC) doesn’t have the agency’s interests as a source of potential bias.
She and the LCC know we offered to be a reference. :)
I’m a CC with APIA. HFs are welcome to talk to the AP’s former HFs if they want to. And most of my HFs do talk to the outgoing HF (and vice versa when they are in rematch). Our rematches are handled by the CCs, and I always talk at length with the other CC about the reasons for the rematch in an attempt to get a fuller picture. I then pass along this info to the HF. In some cases, the former HF might decline to talk to other HFs. My guess is that they are angry and feel abandoned by their AP (especially if she initiated the rematch). I’m not excusing the behavior- in fact I’m dismayed that HFs are willing to sabotage an AP’s future match that way, but this job surprises me daily.
I don’t know agency rules, but I rematched after being with My Abusive Family (MAF) – and since there aren’t any agencies here, it was my choice to decide whether I disclosed this or not. My impulse that honesty is best suggests that I ought to have – but I didn’t. I didn’t tell my new HF that I had ever been an au pair before at all. I felt really guilty about this – less so, given that the second family was such a good match and we got along so well.
The thing is, I know what my first family would have said if asked about me. That I was lazy, a depressive, unacceptably homesick, promiscuous (clothing based, not evidence based – and all my skirts end just above my knees anyway, which was apparently scandalous), unsociable, impossible to train, incompetent, disrespectful – etc etc. I know this, because they said it all to my face when I gave them my notice – right before chucking me out.
Now, I don’t think any of this is true. I was sad because I was in an abusive situation, not because I am an unhappy person, and I seemed lazy because I was expected to do the work of about four people… Unsociable because the family were horrible to me, etc. Given that I stayed with my second family for two years and we still skype and email regularly, I don’t think they’d believe any of it was true either. And yet, I know my second HM – she is anxious – especially about finding the right Au Pair – and there’s absolutely no way they would have hired me if they’d heard that report from the previous HF.
My feeling is that the results justify what I did, but I’m still not sure. When I think of what I wouldn’t have had if I told the truth, I can’t bring myself to regret the lie of omission…
Your situation was different because you didn’t have a third party who could temper the information given by the outgoing HF. The new HF would have only you and the HF, and no one else to tell them who to believe and what was true. I probably would have done the same thing in your situation.
CCAP is nicely transparent in most aspects of the rematch process.
However, we found the fact that the transition document is crafted and signed right at the exit meeting a bit abrupt. I.e., there were definite issues on both sides, but as rematch was requested by AP, the official story was her version. I didn’t feel up to listing her drawbacks in front of her in the exit meeting, as she’s a contientious person who really did try her best. She was an extension candidate who drove well, so she found another family easily. We likely appeared a horrible host family on paper and the new HF never called us. However I’m curious about how well she connected with their children.
When attempting to interview new candidates, I realized what a mistake that it was to sign the rematch document as it was. My reward for being the bigger person was that no one would speak to us twice. When AP candidates hear “they are so messy you couldn’t possibly live there,” they think piles of dishes and dirty laundry. Our dishes and laundry are done daily, by me, and it was insulting to hear, after the fact, that we were considered slobs by someone who picked up a broom exactly once in two months. And the funny thing is, I love cleaning, so if the kids were engaged (or at the park) and not hanging from my legs, I would have cleaned more.
Also, both major issues would have been foreseeable by more research on my part. From her first rematch family, (didn’t speak with them, oops) the information that she’d had issues with a boy my son’s age. From her second family, that her desire for a clean environment was completely separate from her initiative in actually cleaning common areas.
So, should I ever be in the position to talk to a rematch Au pair again, or even an extension Au pair with a rematch in her past, I will dig deeper. I wanted to save hours interviewing, but it impacted months of our lives.
Not sure I fully understand what you mean about trying to interview me candidates. HFs do not have a transition document that APs can see when they look at your profile like out is with APs as far as I know. They only thing APs see is whatever information that you have in the HF profile that you set up originally. They sunny even see your address to you match with them only your city. Now unless your AP or LCC was informally sharing all these negative information about you informally, then something else may have been going on if no one wanted to talk to you after the first time. It could also be that the rematch pool at the time was limited.
I may not have realized that the APs can’t see documents. In the name of full disclosed I have new AP candidates our former AP’s contact. AP candidates know we are a rematch family. I considered the split relatively amicable until I realized that none of our promising candidates were sticking around. I finally asked and someone disclosed how things were being presented. I won’t be as naive again – even though our AP said sure she’d talk to new candidates, I should have provided the LCC’s info for a more balanced perspective.
We ended up with an OOC match and the new (to me) AD saw the rematch documents and I had to fill in more of our side.
I know that there were things in the document from the APs side that weren’t verbally shared at the meeting. Are there sometimes HF perspectives that you’d like to share but wouldn’t necessary say to outgoing AP? (I see nothing to be gained from telling someone they “lack warmth.”)
Sorry to spread misinformation about CCAPs process.
I suppose the only way APs know a HF is in rematch is if the HF says so, right? It’s not on their profile?
No, its not in the HF profile that they are in rematch. Curiously enough, I did tell our AP during the exit (but had told her this several times to give her a chance to change)meeting that she was not warm enough for MY family and my very young children and that she was too rigid again for US and as a result was not the right fit. Essentially, its a personality mismatch rather than something wrong with her
After our first rematch, I inadvertently found out that our LCC had been very good about writing an unbiased rematch document for us. I didn’t see it until a few months after our rematch AP left because I had discovered that she had stolen from us, tried to damage our car, and started looking for a family one month after matching with us because she wanted to trade up but still be there for the same timeframe as friends who had already matched. The LCC made sure that the documentation I had was added to the rematch document and our account info. Although the rematch document is only visible to the next HF, it is part of your file so make sure it says what you need it to. My LCC told me that documenting issues is really, really important when it comes to the rematch document, because if you have it, then issues are not anecdotal and less likely to be treated lightly.
When we went into rematch the first time, we also offered contact info for the outgoing AP. We were honest about why we were in rematch, as we also felt it was an amicable parting. Unfortunately, our outgoing AP also took the opportunity to air grievances that had not been with the new AP. These were used against us by the new AP when we sent her into rematch for safety issues. The documentation the LCC and I had been keeping about problems with her was a saving grace when she tried to get us booted from the program and the LCC fired.
After 2 rematches in a row, we were thinking of leaving the program but decided to give it one last try (also going back to our comfort zone with countries). When we matched with our next AP, we told her that we were in rematch because of safety issues but that our AP had not been happy for other reasons and we were no longer in contact with her but that we had many other APs who were willing to give references for us and talk about what it was like to spend a year with us. She ended up contacting two of them and she and AP#3 got to be good friends and will meet in person when AP#3 comes to visit later this spring.
Airing of grievances is such a tricky thing. You want to have your say but not necessarily hurt anyone’s feelings.
If an AP is leaving and doesn’t want to be negative, I understand and respect that. However, when you ask her if new AP candidates can contact her, it would be amazing, mature, and honest for her to indicate that she’d be uncomfortable giving a positive recommendation.
I guess that’s the point of LCCs – to give a balanced account. Plus if you’re dealing with someone confident, mature and honest enough to warn you of her feelings you’d probably not be in rematch at all…
How wonderful it will be many years into the program when we can have many former APs vouch for us. I think the first year hosting is so tough for everyone involved.
Good luck with you next AP, Mimi. Two rematches in a row are tough. At least you’ve been hosting long enough to be confident that it’s a fluke, and that a good match is likely and totally worth it, like with AP #3.
Mimi – I feel you. 2 rematches in a row is touch. After our one and only rematch, if this current AP didnt work out, I may have either quit or taken a long break. It scares me though that this could happen to experienced HFs such as yourself. Do you mind sharing at a high level, the main reasons for the rematch as if there were things you could have foreseen during the selection process. This forum has been invaluable to me and am sure to other newish HFs like me. . By the way, whats your comfort zone for countries and how did you get there. Right now, ours is South America since our 2 successful matches have been from there and our rematch is German so a bit weary of considering germans at this point even though I know of a ton of successful German APs
Our problems were really about timing, rushing our matches and ignoring my instincts.
We had matched with a Polish AP when I found out I was pregnant so we had to go back to the pool for an IQ AP with a short timeline and we rushed a match with a girl from Italy who was desperate to come over at the same time as a group of friends that had already matched. It went downhill from there.
Our next AP was also a rushed match because I was going back to work and Italian AP was leaving. This one was from Colombia and we wouldn’t have matched if she had been honest about allergies, driving, and her parents divorcing. Also, her expectations of the program were all about travel and education. Her mother was making her feel guilty about being away and she was homesick. I would have tried to work through it, but after two trips to the ER with my infant in a month’s time, we pulled the plug.
We might have been able to make things work with both APs who were just so-so caregivers, but I’ve come to realize it’s not worth it. I manage college students at work and deal with all types and personalities, but I don’t want to have to do it at home. Culturally, they were both too laid back for my super structured household and they both had DiSC profiles that are borderline for me (high C).
I run a very German household, so my favorite APs are going to be Eastern European. (I like Austrians in particular. HD calls them German with more personality.) :) They fit into our household culture very well with respect to discipline, authority, food, child rearing beliefs, and customs/traditions which gives them a bridge between their home and American culture.
If you know what works for you, hone your interviewing around what works best and stick with it even if it means taking a break to find a solid match. And if it doesn’t work out, bless it and let it go without beating yourself up.
OMG, I hate auto correct on my phone.. Nothing is legible here in my post. hopefully folks can actually understand what the heck i was writing
Looks legible to me :-)
I appreciate the suggestion to make it about a lack of fit – not warm enough “for us”, instead of about the AP’s shortcomings. This will make it easier for me next time. I think a balanced rematch document is a service to future host families.
We’ve only rematched once, and I did not know we had a document in our file regarding this. I’m fairly confident that none of our subsequent APs know anything about it (other than what we told them). We went with an OOC AP, who didn’t know that we were in the midst of a failed match. AP went home (though she could have easily found a good family – IQ, good driver).
We have never chosen a rematch AP. There is not usually a good enough pool of IQ candidates for us to consider (CCAP) and not within our interview window (4 months out). When we were in rematch we couldn’t find any candidates that appealed to us and ended up waiting for an out of country candidate.
Yup. Our one dip in the rematch pool was brief – the only IQ candidates had serious problems, unwilling to leave their geographic area, or weren’t interested in our “challenging” situation.
We definitely don’t have the most cherry situation. Rural New England with 4 impish kids, nerdy engineer HD, crazy-organized/thinks-she’s-wonder-woman HM…there truly is a lid for every pot!
Funnily enough, if I were still au pairing your situation (or something close to it) would be top of my list!
We also don’t necessarily have a hugely appealing situation (mischievous small people, multilingual household, require APs to speak their native language, move countries every 3-9 months) but we always get some brilliant candidates who are excited, rather than put off, by the challenges.
It is extremely important to check reference. I am always very surprised that most au pair families don’t seem to do this (in Europe). I am not sure how I feel about the agency’s responsibility to supply the contact details though. I had a very bad experience during a week’s trial with a family and would really hate a prospective employer talking to them for example. This happens to be my most recent AP experience. I would like to right to refuse to give contact details of someone I know would say negative things about me – though I do make available the other 3 families that were extremely happy with me. If a potential family doesn’t like that then they don’t choose me.
This is of course different in the cases in which the au pair has been negligent towards to children. Then they shouldn’t be in the programme at all.
Full Disclosure: I’m a CCAP LCC and an 8 time host family, of which 6 were transition au pairs–so I’ve been through this quite a lot before.
CCAP intends to be fully transparent during rematches and unless a family refuses or if we’ve pulled the host family from the program, you’ll always have the contact information for any host family, as well as the LCC. Does that mean the notes will always have every detail? No, for reasons I will explain below.
Here’s what astounds me as an LCC–most host families interviewing transition au pairs do not call me. So my #1 recommendation: If you have the ability, ALWAYS CALL THE LCC! We are the ones who can add perspective to the transition document. There is no benefit for us to placing that au pair in another family if they aren’t good and often, we can provide context about the reasons for transition. I’ve seen situations where a family will comment that the au pair does not get done what she is being asked to do on a daily basis, for example. The director (who is a level above the LCC) will include these kind of comments in the notes–however, you could talk to the LCC who would say “Listen, I couldn’t get done what they ask. They have had two au pairs. There have been transitions on both. Their expectations are too high.” That’s going to really add needed information to the reasons for transition.
Recommendation #2: Find out who initiated the transition. This helps you to better understand the situation. I also find that when an au pair initiates the transition, the family is more likely to report things they normally wouldn’t have in order to justify the transition. Like “Well, we had that one safety concern where the kid climbed the stairs.” We’d have to report that, when really, the family is just trying to save face or feel better about the au pair wanting to leave.
Recommendation #3: Listen for potential red flags, but take everything a previous host family says with a grain of salt. This goes doubly if the au pair initiated the transition.
Recommendation #4: Realize that sometimes, not everything is going to be in that document. There are things we can’t disclose–suspected substance abuse, specific details of inappropriate behavior on behalf of the host parents or child, health issues of the parents or child that may be involved, or really, anything they don’t tell us. Families and au pairs have two primary opportunities to tell us the reasons for the transition–the exit interview and when the director (again, a level above the LCC) interviews both the host family and au pair–both of these happen before an au pair is placed into transition. My sister used to be a director and she’d say to families, “I want you to tell me everything because if another host family calls you and you say something ready the health and welfare of your child (or some significant concern) and you didn’t mention this to me, we’re going to have another talk. So tell me every reason you have for this transition…” Sometimes there are often really unfounded things that families accuse au pairs of and unless there is foundation for it, we really can’t put that down. If they were serious, we’d also pull that au pair and send her home, so you generally don’t see those.
Recommendation #5: Recognize that some people can be cruel and vindictive. It’s unfortunate, but when you do disclose contact information, some people will take advantage of that. I had a situation once where the family reported that the 4 year old got out of the house and walked down the street and the au pair didn’t even know. Sounds awful, right? The host family would tell you this happened and you’d never select an au pair who allowed this to happen. But if you called me, the LCC, I’d add some context—that the au pair had locked the door, the parents had stopped by the house, left the door unlocked and the front door open. So while au pair was changing a diaper, the child went out a door the au pair had previously locked. Then you understand better how this can happen.
Recommendation #6: Understand we don’t want bad au pairs to continue on the program. We really don’t. Transition is a he said-she said-she said situation and we are doing our best to present everyone’s side. The best person to speak to, who is the best able to gauge the situation is the LCC, so please, please, please call us—we really want to talk to you!
I like that CCAP seems to have a template that they use for their rematch documents. It makes it easier to read. Sometimes it’s not so clear who the initiator is in some cases, but most often you can tell. It would be helpful if it were a little more uniform to include things like if/how long they mediated.
Mimi, great suggestion–I am meeting with a few VPs in a few weeks. I will pass that along!
We’re with APIA, but I want to add to your Recommendation #2 – find out who initiated the transition. With APIA (and I imagine the other agencies) there isn’t a way to state that the transition was mutually decided upon. With our first “trade up” rematch, as soon as she said she wasn’t happy and wanted rematch, we agreed – BECAUSE we were already contemplating it for other reasons. We have pictures of my twin 18 month olds parked in front of the TV while she texted on her phone – taken by my husband before he left the house. If she was willing to “risk” doing this while one of the host parents were home, we have serious doubts about her engagement of the girls while we were not home.
But because she called APIA before we did, the rematch went on the books as au pair initiated, and we didn’t have the opportunity to respond. Also, APIA doesn’t state that they’re putting together a “profile” about the rematch to be added to the au pair’s information, at least our LCC (who I normally love) just used some of the things I said in passing as our “recommendation.” We therefore had no actual opportunity to make a comment regarding our au pair’s performance, UNLESS someone called us. And as the rematch appeared au pair-initiated, who would call the host family for a (bad) reference?
What I’m saying is that what appears to be an ‘easy’ either/or question may have more layers – the question of who initiated the rematch can be a race to the phone/email. With our second rematch, I made sure *I* was the one to call APIA so that the rematch with Miss Three and a Half Days would go “on the books” as host family initiated. Of course, the new family never called for a reference in any case.
Nova Twin Mom–wow. Yeah, I think we are a little more formulaic on transitions. We also try hard to call them transitions instead of rematch–because Au pairs should not expect to get rematched and might transition home (same for families who break the rules or the spirit of the program). I would feel so uncomfortable if I couldn’t speak with at least the LCC. Au pairs and host families always things to their benefit and often straight out fib–I don’t believe anyone anymore! :)
I’m curious — among au pairs trying to rematch (not including those the agency chooses to send home), roughly what percentage actually end up having to “transition home” because they can’t find a new family? And in your experience, are those who can’t rematch more likely to be the ones you would consider weaker candidates (or with expectations out of proportion to their strength as candidates, at least), or is it a more random cross-section?
I’d be interested in this information also. I wonder if IQ APs rematch more easily since they’re in higher demand? I’m sure that APs with more than one transition go home at a higher rate than those with only one transition.
This post lays out to me the importance of proactively calling the Regional Director (or whatever the title is of the person above LCC) and making sure, as a HF, that your “story” gets captured. It also suggests the importance of checking that rematch document and what has been written on it before signing.
When we rematched a few years ago after our AP fell asleep at the wheel (at 4am after being at a party where he admitted to drinking four beers, but insisted he was not drunk and the agency backed him up because we had no evidence), crashed the car, and then lied about it for two days, insisting first that someone else had hit the car and then when shown the evidence that it was our car that did the hitting, insisting the car had been stolen and someone else had crashed and returned it to the party where he was on the night the car was crashed, I was very clear in our rematch meeting that it was the lying and twisted facts (“I had four beers but I wasn’t drunk”/”you said no drunk driving, but you didn’t say in your handbook absolutely no alcohol and driving”) more than anything else that was prompting the rematch. Just as a matter of course, I went back after the meeting and read the notes the LCC captured, and all she had written was that “HM wishes the AP would have driven more carefully.” Umm, this was not at all what I said! Then, when I insisted that the AP tell his extension family why we were rematching with him three weeks before he was due to go to them, the new HF actually argued with me that AP had told the truth about the accident and accused me of over-reacting to what they considered a “small incident.”
My takeaway from this is that along with the sugar-coating the LCCs often do, sometimes new families hear only what they want to hear and aren’t really interested in the “truths” that previous HFs have found about an AP. All we can do is let them live and learn for themselves.
The only reason I found out what comments they used was that I *was* being proactive! I kept asking what kind of statement I had to make about her – and was finally told they’d already taken care of it! The worksheet that balances time off vs education paid for/not paid for is a separate sheet, and that was the only thing I ended up signing. Au Pair was surprised to realize she owed US money because we’d already paid for some of her coursework (maybe the Niagara Falls trip class?) even though she’d only been with us for less than two months.
The second time around I was more “savvy” – made sure I was the first to call the agency, and point blank told them the only host family statement I wanted them to use with regard to Miss Three and a Half Days – that she seemed to be looking forward to a year in the US. Of course, I don’t know what they did (our good LCC was unfortunately on vacation that week – now we check with her before setting arrival dates so she isn’t gone that crucial “first week on the job” again!)
“HM wishes the AP would have driven more carefully.”
This kind of statement is just close enough to the truth that LCC may have felt she wasn’t lying, but it makes me nervous about considering someone in rematch even though there are great candidates in the rematch pool.
I think it’s patently clear that even in the event that you speak to HF, AP and LCC, you may still be on your own in deciding who to believe. Even in the case where 2/3 of the stories are similar and 1/3 not, it may be the 1/3 that’s closer to the truth.
Our First AP came from the rematch pool after our OOC match failed to get a visa and we were left scrambling. I didn’t know to talk to her HF and the info I got from the LCC and AP seemed legit, but in retrospect, I really wonder what HF would have said. She made it <24 hours in our home before she claimed her Dad was sick back home and she had to leave. She then bought herself a plane ticket to Florida (where oh, btw her boyfriend was) and disappeared off the AP grid.,
We then (stupidly) took another rematch AP and didn't speak to her HF (didn't even know this was possible let alone know how to do it) but her LCC assured us it was all the crazy HM's fault. Later in the year when she was caught stealing from us, force feeding the baby, gaslighting me about secretly using our vacation house while she was out of town (her email was in the browser history!!!) and lied to the LCC about all of it (making me the "crazy HM") I realized maybe she had a role to play in the first rematch. Luckily, I secretly videotaped her confessing to stealing from us so when she lied to LCC, I had proof and she got sent home. Ok, maybe I was a little crazy at that point, but I had earned it!
I love the idea of taking in an AP that had a "bad apple" family or just a poor personality match. I just am nervous as hell about how to separate that from the majority that are either just crappy APs (or worse) or are looking for better geography/car/house/easier gig.
We have been at both the releasing and receiving end of the rematch situation with Euraupair.
Our AP#1 was fully disfunctional from day 1. We were first-timers, gave her a month before both us and AP were begging to rematch. She dealt with a lot of personal issues, which led to staying up until 3-4 am fighting with boyfriend over Skype. Since we didn’t clearly understand how much role personal issues played in her lack of performance we stayed supportive for her finding an ‘easier’ family – max. one kid and in school (ha!) – to give her a second chance. We were housing her for 3 months until the magically perfect family showed.
She got 3 interviews, but we were only contacted by the 2nd family, gave her a fair reference, but our AP decided to pass. The taker HF never contacted us, our LCC and RC served as her references, probably for marketing reasons. I would love to see that rematch report and how much was covered up. AP#1 stayed with the second HF only for short time before going MIA (!), go figure.
We were also considering taking a rematch. We were never given the previous HF’s contact since the otherwise outstanding AP had to be removed from the home due to safety reasons. I understand the situation, but the agency was not particularly transparent about the situation. From AP, we learned about other details I very much expected the agency to release to us and they did not. Not sure what to think.
We got several APs out of rematch. Same as yours, they gave me the scoop on the reasons for rematch after the agency had given some bogus explanation.
Follow-up on our rematch. We matched with her. Two weeks into the contract she has decided to go home. There was way more to the story with her previous family and she is seriously traumatized (host dad making advances to her while host mom being deployed) and she can’t seem to recoup. At least she is being honest about underperforming and is taking responsibility for her lack of motivation. It’s a shame bc she used to be a stellar ‘par experience’ with a professional degree in childcare. Lessons learned.
Oh how awful! Are you looking out of country now?
We already have a highly qualified match for the new school year, but she can not start before the summer. Still looking for an interim solution, but that may end up another alternative for childcare.
We got a rockstar IQ au pair out of rematch after our first went home after six weeks because she was homesick. I didn’t contact the HM, though I considered it (through CCAP), because former HM wrote a glowing childcare review in the transition docs. Problem was: au pair totaled the car, with kids inside. We live in a city and don’t need (or want) a driver.
From the other side -we just went in to rematch, highly recommending the AP for Childcare but as a non-driver after a serious at-fault accident (where thank God no one was hurt). We’re her second rematch for driving, yet the transition document says that the AP considers herself a safe driver and has learned from the “incident”. Talk about selling oceanfront property in Arizona!
I recently used Cultural Care and am entirely frustrated with their process. In particular, their handling with references. While I am sure there can be bias from any party, it’s a perspective thing right?, it should still be a transparent process and let the next family decide. What I experienced was nothing but unethical from Cultural Care.
First off, I requested for the reference document to be completed and it took several weeks, on purpose, to provide that to me and in the meantime my aupair was already interviewing with families.
I have serious concerns with my aupair, who not only argue about every single job duty (well within the boundary of child relatedness) but she also ignore safety issues REPEATEDLY. (e.g. left my 2 year old outside by himself, then after our warning she left BOTH my 2 year old and 6 year old outside just 2 days later, ignoring fire hazards after repeated warnings – at least 5+ times). Cultural Care would not allow me to post such comments and deleted it as soon as I posted it. They think that this will prohibit the aupair from rematching!! To be honest, I certainly hope my aupair cannot rematch and hurt any other family.
Then I was requested to re-submit my reference without such wordings, which I did and they deliberately omitted my phone number so the prospective host family could not contact me.
In the end we never posted a complete reference and the prospective family never had a chance to contact us.
Then we found out our previous aupair’s transition document content got changed without our consent! The aupair had to transition again after our family and Cultural Care made the section about our family appear so much better!
I would not work with Cultural Care again. Their “option” for family reference is all a lie.
I’ll be honest: I made sure to sound very reasonable when talking with the LCC and program director, leading them to think I would give a more positive reference than I intended to. I thought that if I was too candid up front, they would simply say I didn’t recommend her, and then I wouldn’t have the change to talk to prospective other families. Once we use this credit we now have, we’ll move to a different agency for sure.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’m sad to see agencies being so dishonest.
^^^This has been *exactly* our experience with CCAP. It’s such a tremendous disappointment, and we have no idea whom to trust or turn to if we end up having another issue with our current au pair.
I completely agree. CCAP doesn’t tell the truth about why a AP is transitioning – completely unethical. They twisted our words around to make our AP look like a victim and then the director got mad at our LCC who was giving prospective families the truth of what happened (stole our car with the car seats, took it to places she wasn’t allowed to take it to, all while I was in emergency surgery). CCAP didn’t capture any of this in their exit documents. But they put every single incaccuracy she provided without question. And she literally lied about everything so to not get in trouble.
As a result of this experience I will never select a rematch AP.
Additionally, for someone who mentioned earlier that you should ask if the AP is still taking care of the children? Well, after emergency surgery I was unable to pick up my kids and care for them. My 70yr old mother came to help me with cooking but cannot run after and pick up the kids… However we were able to watch the AP like a hawk until she left. And having seen the lies and manipulations she was capable of producing I wouldn’t leave her alone in my house let alone with my children. So I truly wouldn’t trust anything the agency says.
I also had a rematch AP that ended up not working out. There were safety issues and the agency ended up sending her home and denied her request to go back into rematch. The agency wanted her to stop caring for the kids while waiting for her flight home. Because I needed childcare and my relative wasn’t able to come for a week, I needed the AP to work until then. I had my 70+ year old mother come and stay, who also could not physically take care of the kids but could watch the AP like a hawk. I didn’t trust this AP alone in the house by herself either so my mother was in the house the whole time until she left.
Just because the HF decided to let the AP work during the transition does not always mean the AP is “ok”. There may be reasons why HF still let a problematic AP work. You really need to dig into the back-story, do the reference check, and ask the HF.
I’m one of the people that often says to ask if the au pair is providing childcare – because if they AREN’T that’s a valuable piece of information that might not otherwise come through. Also, it seems like an innocuous question and might “get by” both the au pair and agency – what harm could it do to answer truthfully?
As both of you have pointed out, while the rematch au pair/agency saying the au pair ISN’T providing child care likely means there is a huge problem somewhere (more than the personality conflict the agency is likely trying to pass the situation off as) if you hear that the au pair IS providing child care, you may want to ask more questions to suss out why – is it an emergency situation with no other options?
We had a fantastic au pair that I couldn’t extend with (maternity leave) and she ended up in rematch with 2 host families. The first family really wanted a nanny and not to have a “stranger” want to eat dinner with them. The HM even called me to ask us to “split the au pair” and have her livery between our houses. AP was instructed to spank the kids which she wouldn’t and requested rematch (later accused of intentionally ruining a load of laundry). This is someone who spent a year with our family, took amazing care of our child, played for hours and hours. NeXT family had a house under massive construction and she asked for rematch in 3 days and was asked by lcc to stay on (previous au pair lasted 2 weeks). At the end of the week she asked for rematch amd there was a meeting with lcc and it was decided she didn’t know how to cook or play with a child that age (same age as ours). Ultimately the LCC and host families would have given poor reviews of our beloved au pair who was amazing. She quite the program and went home. This is an au pair that I had so many compliments from other people in our community for how well she played with our daughter. She kept things spotless (we never asked her to clean, things were vacuumed and mopped daily) she was so happy and pleasant. There were 2 families that just weren’t a good fit for the program that didn’t have anything nice to say about her.
Hello,
We are supposed to be in rematch or transition with this agency and I am extremely concerned. It seems that we have to take the agencies word about the au pairs and after the initial process and experience with our first au pair. I am not convinced that they do a good job screening and representing their au pairs. We do not get to see the actual exit form of a transitional au pair but rather a summary. We were told yesterday that our au pair would enter rematch but today that she wouldn’t. I would not want another host family to end up in our shoes right now. Is there a forum where the names of au pairs can be disclosed with the reasons so that we do not have to rely on what the agency tells us. We are seriously considering getting a lawyer to investigate this company and contract. As it stands we essentially take all of the risk in getting the au pair without having access to the full interview (video, training etc). If we assume all of the risk I am wondering what the purpose of an agency is….Anyway if any of you know of a forum where the truth is disclosed I would like to join before bringing another stranger into our home. Thanks for any help you can give.
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