Let me start by being very clear. We have been BEYOND blessed by our au pairs over the years and their impact on our family and our children cannot ever be properly expressed. We have built a global family that spans the nations of Brazil, France, Germany, South Africa and Australia plus an Italian that we didn’t even host but who vacationed with us and spent her travel month visiting us that’s been adopted into the group!
We took in and housed au pairs that were removed from homes long before I became a local coordinator for an agency and we love learning about other cultures and seeing how much the au pairs grow and change during their program year.
This is the only form of childcare my girls (younger two) have ever known and they don’t understand why all their friends don’t have au pairs! They idolize the young women we have hosted and now that I am a local coordinator they really love getting to know the larger group of au pairs and regularly sneak their way into my monthly meetings or set up elaborate greetings and spreads to make them feel welcomed.
All that having been said, years ago I confided in my South African AP that it was getting hard on me. I explained that I felt like every one of them takes a piece of my heart with them when they leave and I wasn’t sure how many more pieces I could give away and survive! (And that was 4 APs ago!)
My husband has a running joke that he can tell how great the AP was by how far I am able to drive after dropping them at the airport at the end of their term before I have to pull over because I can’t see straight from ugly crying. Sometimes I don’t even make it out of the terminal let alone the airport!
The last couple of times I have been lucky enough to be able to call on my village which includes a few other host mom/local coordinators and the conversation is something like this:
Me: “I am never doing this again! I hate them! Why do they all LEAVE!!!!”
LCC/HM friend: “Oh babe. Did you just drop (AP) at the airport? How far did you make it?” (They know the joke.)
I’ve had a couple times over the years where I was exhausted or dealing with family or work drama or when we have picked up a short term AP to fill a gap where I have told myself I just wasn’t going to get as attached and be more of a cordial employer and less full blown completed integrated family but I’ve never actually been able to hold that boundary – they are just so great!
We have a WhatsApp group with all our former au pairs where we all chat everyday to stay in touch and keep them updated on the kids/family and unbelievably they are all close with each other as well! Many have overlapped or they met when previous APs have come “home” to visit during their term and there is a beautiful spirit of community in that group (and lots of sarcasm and making fun of each other and love and support) but as the number grows so does the effort in integrating all those extended connections.
We talk all the time about leaving the program at more obvious stages (kids age out or schedule/needs change or jobs change or parent decides to stay home etc) but is there a stage where long time host families hang it up because they want to leave at the top of their game and feel like their global family is big enough?
I remember telling a seasoned HM friend when I was on AP2 that I was so worried I wouldn’t ever find someone better than AP2. She laughed out loud. She said it wasn’t about finding someone better but assured me that we could find multiple rockstars that would all have their own strengths and gifts and leave different fingerprints on our kids. She was so right!
But at this point we are on our 8th successful au pair quickly approaching a decade as a host family and while we probably need an au pair to drive for another couple of years I do wonder – how many au pairs is too many?
For those that are no longer hosting – how many total au pairs did you host? Why did you stop hosting? Did you ever feel like it was hard to continue to make the emotional investment? Au pairs – if you came to families that had lots of previous APs they were still in touch with was that a plus or a minus? Did that help or hurt your experience? Everyone – when does it make sense to retire from hosting?
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We’ve had 15 au pairs, 9 of whom were long term (6-12 months or more) [not possible to extend beyond 1 yr in our country), over the past 10 years (we had two at the same time for several years). We haven’t had one since last summer – not for lack of trying to find someone. In some ways, I’ve enjoyed the more relaxed feeling of not having someone else living in our home, although I definitely miss the help! We also keep in touch with nearly all our past APs (and I love the idea of a What’s App group or similar to keep them all connected collectively with us). My kids (10, 10, and 11,5) feel like they are done with au pairs… but they aren’t the ones who have to drive 100 km / day for the next 8 years!! But that does play into the decision about having more. I don’t find it a challenge on the emotional investment side, but you do get weary of having to train them all (although I’ve usually let my outgoing au pairs do much of the work!). So, no good answer really – I think it is enough when it doesn’t work anymore. We may be there already – not having babies, not living in a typical highly desirable location, I feel like au pair candidates may have made the decision for us.
We hosted 7 APs total and remain in warm contact with 5 of them, including visits from or to some of them. It was wearying to do selection and training each time, but I also got more efficient at it. We stopped hosting because once my older kid could drive and both kids were at the same school, it didn’t make sense anymore. If it weren’t so costly I would have kept going, but ~20K/year was too much for shrinking need in our family for an AP.
I really miss having the “bigger family” feel with an AP. I liked having another person around, it keeps the dynamics interesting, even if it’s sometimes also tedious to deal with the AP ups and downs. I liked “gossiping” about the AP with my DH, it gave us something fun to talk about (what she’s wearing, is he gay, etc.). I liked the backup help with little things, like registering kids for stuff and making their doctor’s appts.
Now that kid#1 is going to college, I’m considering doing something like hosting a refugee family (short term) or something to liven up the house and make use of our empty AP suite. I’d be curious if any other HPs have done that, or exchange students, or renting out the room, after having had APs.
Please do host some children or young adult who needs help. There are so many.
It’s so funny SBW that you mention this – hubs and I just had a conversation about potentially hosting foreign exchange students when kids are in high school/we bridge out of au pairs in part because I think it might be a little easier to manage (you certainly have authority over a high schooler living in your home with the same rules as your high schooler). I too wonder if anyone has done this! We took a break years ago and the house did seem quieter/emptier/not the same and everyone was begging for another AP after a few months…
We hosted a foreign exchange student prior to us having our own child. We had a fantastic experience and it was the catalyst to us joining the AP program when our son was born. We are now about to welcome our 6th AP this week and we have remained relatively close with all of our previous APs and our exchange student.
I will be welcoming AP #12 this fall, and I think that this post asks entirely the wrong question. We host APs as for as long as the benefits outweigh the costs for each of our families.
At this point we have a huge family of former APs, and we remain close with many of them, joyfully receiving visits whenever they are able to come see us again. We have even formed connections with their families in some cases, which enlarges our “family” even more.
Every year we ask ourselves whether we still need and want to host APs, and we review what it is that we are hoping for in hosting an AP. Every year our needs change as our children get older and our work situations shift.
When we first hosted APs it really felt like the only viable solution given our work schedules even though we only had one child. Now we have 4 children, but I am at home a lot more, so we could manage with babysitters for date nights, etc, but my youngest is just turning 5 this summer and there is still a lot of driving here and there so having an AP still makes sense and feels worth the investment in time, energy, etc.
Having an AP because you want the flexibility and extra help rather than because you can’t manage without one is definitely a different experience. I am able to be much more flexible and generous in terms of giving my APs extra time off, etc; but I am also less tolerant of poor job performance. My APs are even more part of the family than they were when I worked long hours, but they are with us entirely because I want them with us, not because I have no other good options.
When will we stop hosting? I don’t really know. Maybe after this next AP. Maybe after several more. APs probably have no idea how much influence they have on whether I choose to host again. Each AP whom I struggle with leads me to feel that I don’t want to host any more as it is too much hassle, and each great AP restores my faith in the program again. And every year the balance tips slightly further against hosting again as my kids get older and more independent and I get more tired of the uncertainty inherent in the whole process of training and adjusting to a new AP.
The question of hosting exchange students kind of makes me laugh since over the years hosting APs I have grumbled more than once that if I wanted someone living in our house just for the purpose experiencing life in the US without being helpful to the family I would just host exchange students and not pay $20K+ for the privilege :)
At this point I have no interest in hosting any exchange students other than the younger siblings of my former APs. 4 kids are enough. I really don’t need more at present unless there is already a personal connection.
Lucky for you guys. I had one aupair, we tried our level best to treat her like family, but the end, she took things for granted and was stone cold to my 17 month old baby before our match break. In case you wonder what’s the reason for rematch, it was “I want to see another state but I dont want to spend my own money so see ya”.
The local area director did nothing for the match break which infuriated me. So for me, nope, aupair program is totally not for me.
Yep. The program has certainly changed in the last 6 years :(
When we went on aupair program, we strongly believe this will save us money compared to local nanny. We will also get to experience different culture and very reliable childcare.
But with the only and failed experience with aupair, there was no saving at all.
We have only one baby for her to care, took her out for dinner 1-2 times every single week, included her on everything, never let her spend one penny on transportation, bought everything for her need, spend whatever she needs for education (more than 500), pick her up and drop her off to class every saturday morning, Invested emotion and money on her and hoping to have her to stay with us for at least year but nope. She even asked me why I didnt beg her when she asked for rematch. I dont know what these agencies are teaching them (probably you can rematch anytime if you want).
I got a real selfish and entitled aupair and do not believe the program at all. The local area director just told her if she wants to rematch she can send her information, no coaching or counseling whatever (seriously??)
This is super interesting to me, as I came into this from having exchange students in my parents house while I was growing up. Both short term and long, and I enjoyed visiting them in their home countries while I went to college.
We overbought our home, so we have the extra space. Before kids, we had one of my coworkers rent (1/3 of market) to help her save for a down payment on her first home.
I am not sure if or when we would do exchange students, but we are coming to the end of our first AP (1 year + 1 year extension). New AP comes on Monday, and we have an overlap, so preparing the second guest room. We had such a good experience with our first (interactive, but spent ~1/2 of weekends with her boyfriend) so she is a little more distant, which works just fine with our family. We have 2 & 4 year old, so a lot of pre-school years and driving ahead of us.
We were in the program for 7 years and left last October. We had 6 great years – including one rematch due to our ap having to leave for a family emergency but her replacement whom she recommended was a rock star. Our last full year wasn’t great 2 rematches with duds and then finally a great au pair recommended by an LCC. We have an only and he was hitting the pre-teen years – he was getting fussy about whom he liked. With a great au pair it was like they were brother and sister but some of our duds wanted to treat him like a baby or were bored with the lack of structure/hours. Our very last ap was good but she said we didn’t need her and requested rematch in first couple of weeks (behind our back she was dealing with our LCC – and they were both saying different things to our face. In retrospect, I think she matched with us in order to arrive in the States on her preferred date and then look for a family that met her needs. In the end, we were really frustrated with the lack of help from the agency. And LCCs telling us to run from candidates in rematch that the agency had “sanitized” the exit notes. We were feeling that the costs(not money) were outweighing the benfits. But, in the end, it was our ap deciding to leave us and a pending change in my work situation that caused us to recognize that the ap program was no longer right for us. (and, by the way the costs of that ap playing us costs us a bunch of money.) But, I do miss the great au pairs – we miss their help but most importantly we miss the upbeat energy they brought to the house.
If you had asked me 4 years ago, I would have said we would host until my youngest was in the 6th grade. We have hosted since 2007. Now, this is our last year and my youngest is in the 4th.
The applicants have changed. The companies have changed. The program has changed. It’s rare to find an au pair here that is here to provide childcare and go to college. It is all about cultural exchange and rematching their way up the ladder of families once they get here.
We are going with a local nanny after our final au pair. I do believe the aupairs and companies will be the end of the program. Host families still need childcare, but will match with a candidate who is on their 4-5 rematch in a year. If we continue to let au pairs just walk out the door with thousands of dollars of our money in the air, it won’t get better.
We really enjoyed our years in the program. We had one rematch and since then, we have looked at every applicant through a different lense. It’s sad. I think there are good ones out there, but there are many more who do not have realistic ideas of what the program is supposed to be.
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