Hi Everyone — SO MUCH going on, all good, but it took this email, below, to get me back on the blog. It’s from a long-time reader and commenter who will remain nameless. When I first read it, all I could say was
I am SO PROUD of her for going to the gym!
Moving on…
“Hi AuPairMom — After 26 years of marriage, my H and I have called it quits. Our divorce was final at the end of January.
I have started dating and have a guy that I see pretty regularly. Up to this point, we either go out or we meet at his place (he is also divorcing but never has his older kids). The issue for me is that his place is far from mine, far from my work, far from my gym and far from his work and gym. I only have my kids 50% and so would otherwise be free to have him over (i.e., sleep over) on some weekends and any given Sunday night leaving me closer to work, gym etc for Monday morning. And he wouldn’t object since it’s closer for him as well.
So I’m wondering — what is my obligation to my wonderful Au Pair? How do I organize things so that she feels comfortable, when I’ve got a new boyfriend coming over?
I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home but I also don’t want to feel like I can’t have male company in my own home.
FWIW, it’s a big house and the master suite is on the opposite side of the same floor as her room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Host Mom — It’s a funny situation when the tables are turned, and instead of worrying about our we might feel about our Au Pair’s boyfriends we are concerned about how she might feel about ours!
I wonder if it’s as easy as having the very same conversation we’d have if it was s/he who was having a new relationship. Could you just sit down with her and say
“Got a new boyfriend, I’ll make sure to introduce you. Be friendly in the kitchen, and don’t gossip about him with your au pair friends.”
With the kids out of the house, you don’t have to worry about kids misconstruing adult behavior. And, you have a little more privacy since your rooms are far apart and they won’t need to share a bathroom.
But, you do have to figure out how your Au Pair and beau might interact with each other in the house. They might need to have at least a passing acquaintanceship, and she’ll likely have to wear a bathrobe rather than just her pjs.
Anything else though?
Au Pairs, what might you want your Host Mom to discuss with you before she has her beau start staying over?
{ 8 comments }
I am not the OP, but I have dated off and on since my divorce 7 years ago. I have a harder time because my bedroom is RIGHT above my Au Pair’s. I feel really uncomfortable having over company when she is home. I never have visitors over when my kids are home. I try to spend time elsewhere for more intimate moments.
Most of my au pairs are happy for me that I am dating or am happy in that department, but I can see how it’s awkward. Just state it matter of fact. Introduce him to your au pair when it’s appropriate. I don’t see this as a big deal, TBH.
I want to clarify, I am uncomfortable having intimate moments when she is home, and have to try to be more quiet.
I have visitors when my kids are home, but not boyfriend visitors…and have never gotten to the point in any of my relationships to introduce them.
I would not feel uncomfortable with hm hanging out, per se, however.
I’m soooooo happy you are back. ??
This is such a great community.
I would just be upfront with the au pair and ask for discretion with the children. I think the situation would be easier if/when recruiting an au pair you are able to ask questions about what the au pair would be comfortable with. You could certainly weed put candidates that don’t feel comfortable with you dating and having (well vetted) men to the house overnight. Just think of it as part of your lifestyle screening process.
OMG. I have nothing substantive to add to the topic but want to say HOORAY that CV is back!
Ditto this!
Indeed! I miss the conversations here (and I don’t even have an AP any more).
Does AP have the same privileges to have male visitors stay overnight? Does she also have to introduce them to you or ask your permission?
I would say, do whatever is “equal.” If she is not allowed, then don’t have your own boyfriend overnight. Yes, you are the homeowner, but I think it’s harder to set an initial rule and then change it for your own benefit without possible resentment/unhappiness.
I think you are entitled to have boyfriends over. It’s your home. You properly vet the men before they come in your home. IMO it’s not the same as the au pair having men over, not something you are required to have as “equal”. If I had a 21 year old daughter she would not be allowed to bring men over for sex whenever she pleased, and the same rule applies to an AP. I don’t see why or how it should apply to the OP.
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