We can’t *really* tell which candidate is better, but we might be able to give this host mom some ideas for thinking about her choices. …
First let me offer a big thank you – your blog is a wealth of information and I’ve learned so much from reading through it (and I’m grateful as a first timer going through this process). Also, I so appreciate the chance to write in for some advice from someone more experienced than me.
I’d like to summarize my situation for context, and then ask your advice:
I’m a single mom with 2 boys (one 6 and one 4) and I really need the extra help. Having traveled abroad during my college years, I love the idea of cultural exchange – when I stumbled across the idea of an au pair, it just seemed like a great idea.
My oldest is on the autism spectrum and is high functioning. He’s starting kindergarten, so it’s a big year for us when we need some extra hands on deck and support at home. I want to find someone willing to do family behavioral training (therapy for my oldest – basically consistency training for how we respond to some of his challenging behaviors).
Both my boys are great kids, one is high energy physically and the other is high energy emotionally. So, I’m looking for a motivated, engaging, warm, and patient au pair that can set and hold boundaries and with the maturity not to expect us to be going to Ed Sheeran concerts every weekend (although she’s welcomed to do that on her time off). I’m also hoping she’ll want to invite friends over for dinner once in a while, and really be a part of our family.
We actually had matched with an au pair who would have been starting mid-september and then she had a serious health issue pop up and had to drop out of the program. I’m pushing myself to get through these last skype interviews, but my energy is flagging. I’m also knee deep in my kiddo’s IEP process for school, and just busy with life in general and I’m burned out.
I’ve got 2 candidates that I could offer a match to right now – one I know would accept (she’s already as much as said so, but only after 2 skypes!) and another that I think would also likely accept. I’d like your perspective on which one I should go with – I need to make an offer by next week or I risk losing both.
The Spaniard: one is 23, has a psychology degree, is very compatible and aligned with us and interested in working with kids like mine professionally, has had lots of experience with kids both babysitting and in school environments – but her English is terrible. We communicate well enough because I’m an intermediate level Spanish speaker, but my concern is that she wouldn’t be able to do the behavioral training easily and we’d be spending a lot of energy working around the language barrier (maybe she’d learn quickly??). I love her and was super excited about her. She has asked a few questions about us, and we have good chemistry.
The Austrian: she is 19, just out of high school with social sciences emphasis, has amazing English skills and is jovial and positive, and would be just fine with us. She has not had babysitting experience, but has worked in 2 schools (one day care and one elementary) and has worked with kids more severely impacted by their autism than my kiddo. She nailed all of my “situational” interview questions, which surprised me. She has indicated she would do the behavioral training, and while I don’t think it would be of strong interest to her, with her English skills, she’ll be able to process it all. Maturity wise – she’s not asking me any questions about us, which concerns me a little. But we have good chemistry.
And, the x-factor: another au pair that I’ve not yet interviewed has a profile much like the Spaniard (same age – 23, both with psychology degrees, similar level of experiences) and her English skills are better than the Spaniard but not quite as good as the Austrian, however, she can’t start as soon as the other 2 can.
What would you do?? I have interviews set up for this weekend with the Austrian and the Spaniard – it’ll be the 3rd skype with each one.
Thanks in advance for any feedback
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I totally have my own biases based on past experience so with that said:
1 – Communication – I don’t think any of my Skype interviews gave me much confidence in the English skills of the au pairs I selected. And yet, in person each of them was able to communicate quite well within one or two weeks (in person, face to face is just so much better).
2 – Initiative and Personal Interest – You can’t teach this! I’d be a bit concerned about an interview where there wasn’t much curiosity expressed through questions about me or my family. I have experienced this many times over email and Skype interviews and it always astounds me that an au pair candidate doesn’t demonstrate any curiosity. It worries me that the potential au pair isn’t that interested in being part of our family. We like a semi-independent au pair – one that wants to genuinely engage with us when we are together and might even come to love us as family (while simultaneously developing a balanced social life with peers cause we are kinda oldish and boring). If you have someone that shows initiative and personal interest in what your family has going on (including the challenges) than kudos/bonus points to them.
3. X-factor – There are always new au pair profiles coming through the pipeline and so many of them look good on paper. Don’t fall into the trap thinking the grass is greener elsewhere if you haven’t interviewed them. On this note, the best au pair decisions I have made have come when I have extensively interviewed three candidates. So if you are genuinely curious and could wait another week and interview the 3rd candidate and explore the x factor, get to it asap!
I think the au pair program will long term be great for you but from my experience it will probably take a little time to find your groove. We have a medically fragile infant and while the au pair isn’t responsible for much of the medical care, they have to be 100% on board with his needs. The au pair we chose after he was born was a great applicant on paper but was extremely immature and we ended up in rematch. We then took an au pair who was in transition for 2 months so we could recruit a new one from overseas. Those au pairs have been excellent. What we have learned: share your entire handbook at the interview stage and make sure they demonstrate they read it. You want to avoid anyone who seems high maintenance or entitled, and by a rule we don’t take au pairs who are only children. Someone who can demonstrate they can follow rules and take direction is really important for caring for kids with extra needs. I would interview them each at least one more time. I would be direct with the Austrian and say via email that in the next interview you want to hear more from her. She has preferences and needs to be comfortable speaking up for herself because you won’t have the energy to mother her, too. So many au pairs just want a match or don’t really have a frame of reference about real life in the US so will say all sorts of things are fine with them only to figure out after they come they don’t like it (this happened to our rematch). Have you also looked at extension au pairs or ones who are in transition? You might want to try it out with a more experienced candidate who has the language and has been in the US for a while so you can decide what sort of things work for your family, then recruit a long term one from overseas. One thing I will also add that if you start feeling like it isn’t working out after a month or there are obvious red flags, push for and move on with rematch ASAP. It’s not worth the stress to try and make things work when you have a child who needs 100% of your focus. We learned this the hard way—we tried to be supportive of our au pair and she was ultimately so self-centered and made no effort to try and make things work, it took a huge toll on our family when we had no extra bandwidth to spare. I ultimately would go with the one with better English and prior experience with autistic kids, but you need to make sure she understands what kind of social support you can and cannot provide.
I have Four kids two with special needs. Oldest has adhd aspergers youngest has RAD and ADHD. When my third youngest was 6 months we got an au pair so I have been through many. For us Spanish au pairs mostly Latin American were more flexible more family yet led there own lives and had fun. Eastern Europeans were opposite house could be burning down and it was 5 pm on the dog and they were out the door. I also have had mostly male au pairs I have two boys and two girls. They had a lot of patience followed my directions and able to walk it off after a bad day. Lot less drama. They make au pairs were more high energy . Even with the crazy big family most of our au pairs stayed two years. They learn English fast with my kids and within 6-8 vast improvements in their speech . Good luck with new au pair and IEP my oldest special need kiddo starts high school soon.
One additional suggestion: if there is someone at the agency with whom you have a connection, eg your LCC or someone in the central office who is helping to onboard you, I’d ask if they would be willing to look at these profiles, hear your impressions at this point and even speak with the candidates. If I offer an au pair a chance to speak with someone who is familiar (even vaguely) with our family situation and also knows what we’re looking for—and the au pair doesn’t accept that offer of additional info, then I tend to scrap them as a candidate. Obviously, it’s also useful on my end to hear someone else’s thoughts on the candidate, but it’s also about measuring their initiative and diligence in finding a good match for themselves (which I read as a commitment to both the program and our family). Our current au pair spoke with one of our former au pairs pretty extensively over Skype as well as our LCC in addition to three interviews with us—and I want a candidate to know about potentially tough personalities or quirks in our family so that can enter with open eyes and yet still want to live with us.
Go with the Austrian. I have a kid with autism too and I am currently rematching because my Spaniard au pair did not work out. I think the the Spanish Au Pairs don’t have as much GRIT as the French, Swiss, Austrians, and Germans. My Spanish au pair was very sweet and kind but when it came to implementing behavioral strategies, she was a pushover. Her English was also not very good so my son had a hard time understanding her. In the end I don’t know if Spanish vs. not Spanish but who is more assertive, has more GRIT, and understands that this is not a cushy job is the one that will work best. I just rematched with a Swiss who has been working in a school with Special need kids.
I would need to know more about the situation to give my full perspective. What kind of therapy are you talking about training the APs to perform? Just having specific consequences and scripts for certain situations, or something that requires insight and interpretation of lots of different kinds of situations? If it’s the latter, that is a lot to ask of an AP, and I would say that you cannot expect any regular AP to be good at it without a lot of coaching.
To me the psych degree is not an indicator of how well an AP would work for you, even though it might seem to be.
What kind of babysitting and “working with kids” are you talking about? For instance: the Austrian may have worked for 3 weeks at a kindergarten that included some kids on the spectrum (most German APs are required to do a few weeks of volunteering at a kindergarten) but was she directly responsible for them, or did she just hang around and help organize tasks? What did she learn from it? What stories can she tell about how she dealt with those kids?
The Austrian’s situational interview success is big. How did the Spaniard do on those? Have you prompted the Austrian to ask questions? Or even required her to ask some? Have you spoken to references for both? What makes you think the Austrian isn’t interested in the behavioral training? That would be really important to understand.
My impression is that the Spaniard is your “average great candidate”. But if there is no specific experience with autism, and communication is a problem, then I would keep looking. The Austrian seems to be able to do the job and is pleasant, so I would focus on further investigation into her maturity and “part of the family” qualities.
Have you considered the Extraordinaire program with APIA?
Having a similar family situation with one kids with HFA and other typical but with anxieties I feel that neither one is the right candidate.
I would not look at the profession of their choice: I had an au pair who had a Bachelors in psychology with great english and she was terrible. I feel answering situational questions correct is of high importance but also someone who has a lot of hours of experience with kids. Doesn’t have to be special needs. My best au pairs were au pairs who has no experience with special needs kids, but naturally knew how to handle all the different situation and had a lot of hours of experience: one worked in German kindergarten and had few thousand hours. Other worked part time in kindergarten in Denmark and had over 1000 hours. Third had a lot of time spent with her cousins and her answer to situational questions were amazing.
I would also suggest checking references and ask if they know how to set limits, how loving are there, etc.
English is important because you ant to be able to train the person and it’s hard if the english is not at the level you feel it will go smoothly.
How does your oldest do with new caregivers in general? How about when he is not understood the first time? My daughter was a delayed speaker and when we got our 4th AP she was flourishing. This APs English was poor and she spoke a language we don’t speak at home. I could communicate by text, but my poor kiddo couldn’t even get a glass of water when she wanted on. My daughter began to stop talking again and throwing tantrums because she couldn’t communicate with the AP. We had to go back into therapy and do a lot of work on communication and trust. Please think about how your kiddo will handle it when stressed or tired or just working through growing up.
While I don’t have any insight to add about either of the candidates. I will say that a year ago, we matched with a great au pair in March for a July start. In June,we found out in June that she did not pass her A level exams and could not get a visa until she retook the exam and passed. She could not take the test again until October and we could not wait. Like you I was out of steam and busy with trying to find babysitters for July. Looking back, I didn’t spend enough time on the interviewing process and settled and found ourselves in rematch 2 months after arrival. I say take a few minutes to try to recharge your batteries and put in the effort with the next Skype sessions – and don’t settle.
My middle kid has high functioning autism and how he connects with Au Pairs determines which Au Pairs stay and which decide to leave after 2 months. I would not take either of your candidates, and would keep looking. Your Austrian sounded OK except her youth and lack of babysitting experience were red flags for me. I don’t think most 19 year olds are mature enough to handle kids on the spectrum, and I tend to get APs who are around 25. I would definitely not take your Spaniard since her English skills are bad; otherwise, she sounded really promising. I had to rematch in a similar situation. I adored a Brazilian woman who was so sweet and had special needs training including working with kids with autism, but she could not communicate at all with my son and he quickly refused to do anything for her. Screen carefully now so you don’t have to train someone, then rematch 2 months later! What was most important for us is 1) English skills, 2) intuitive/emotional person who could pick up on my son’s body language and know when to snuggle in and when to give him space. Good luck!
We have had phenomenal experiences with several 18 year olds with our kids (one of whom has high functioning autism). On the other hand, we’ve had way more, shall I say “less than stellar” experiences with 21+ year olds. Finding the right 18 year olds isn’t a piece of cake, but they are there.
The agency screening and search options make a difference – APiA has checkboxes for both special needs experience and willingness which we found very helpful. While that limits the pool of candidates it makes it so much easier than wading through tons of profiles with very few clues.
Perhaps not a realistic idea, but is there any way to have your autistic child participate in the skype sessions? This might give you some useful insights about the ability of the APs you are considering to connect with him/communicate effectively. Good luck!
SBW has some great points and Susan is right on the money with ranking what your priorities need to be.
Something to keep in mind about interviewing is the way that cultural norms play into these conversations. Some APs may not be as forthcoming with questions as others as they view these conversations as your time to ask questions and can be more reticent in an effort to demonstrate respecting elders to lead a conversation. Situational questions are good for engaging these APs in conversation but it’s also to ask really open ended questions that allow the APs to steer the conversation.
Beyond all the needs for support that you have, also keep in mind the cultural elements that each candidate brings and how that will play into what you want your children to experience culturally. Sometimes that can be the little extra that tips the scales.
Good luck and let us know how you fared.
What did OP decide to do??
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