“Dear Au Pair Mom–
We are a new prospective HF looking for an au pair for the first time. We are targeting mostly Europeans and our main criteria is good driving. We’ve had interviews with a few candidates.
We were close to matching (or so we thought) with a candidate from Germany who said all along she was very interested in our family. But after 3 interviews and a match offer, she ghosted us. She wouldn’t say no to the match, but wouldn’t answer either. Ultimately, she matched with another family and we were disappointed that she didn’t communicate clearly with us that she was not interested. She didn’t even bother to tell us in the end (we found out through the agency site).
My question is: are we doing anything wrong?
Are we not “aggressive” enough in our interview process?
Our approach is that we want the person to want to be with us, so we are not overly pushy or eager. Does location matter (we’re in Portland, OR)? More importantly, how can we ensure candidates are straightforward? Is it common for candidates to ignore emails? What do you do when that happens?
We’re family of 4 with two working parents and young boys (2 and 4) in preschool full-time, if that helps. The au pair would have a lot of time during the day and most of her weekends.
Any advice on how to find our match?”
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Dear Potential Host Parent —
You might consider yourself lucky. Candidates tell you a lot about the kinds of au pairs they will be by the ways they handle themselves during the interviewing and matching process. A candidate who can’t be bothered to reply to your emails — especially after you’ve had interviews with them — is the kind of candidate who won’t respond to your concerns about how the kids are cared for, either.
But yes, it is a complete drag to go to all that work and even to get your hopes up, only to have the candidate swan off to another family without so much as a goodbye. Take heart, though, there are (still) great candidates out there, ones who’ll be excited by your family’s situation and who’ll feel like a good fit. Now, too, you know you want an au pair who’ll respect your time and your effort– so look for clues of that attitude when you talk with the next candidate(s).
Parents and Au Pairs — what would you recommend to this family??
{ 9 comments }
I’d say “don’t take it personally” but I know how hard that can be. I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me several years ago and now I’m really upfront with candidates, asking them in the very first interview whether they are talking with other families and whether they have a family they are hoping to match with or a location they would ideally end up in. I think it is easier for them to be honest about this before they’ve spent too much time getting to know you.
My guess is that the AP had already decided they wanted to match with another family and was waiting for an offer from them. They didn’t tell you in case the hoped-for match didn’t pan out in which case they might have matched with you. When they did match with the other family they were either too embarrassed or too inconsiderate to let you know.
In any case, good riddance.
You want an AP who is 100% about matching with you. There are no perfect APs or perfect HFs, it’s all about fit. Stop worrying so much about whether you are good enough as a HF, with just 2 kids, living in a city and no weekend work? Sounds pretty good for an AP actually.
I’ve been hosting for 12 years, have 4 kids, used to work extremely long hours on an irregular schedule, AP worked weekends, and we live in a rust-belt city… and I have always found European APs happy to match with our family. I admit we do not have a curfew for our APs (they’re adults for goodness sake!) and we are quite laid back, but I am convinced that some of the aspects of your family that you worry are deterents to APs choosing you (eg. not living in CA, HI, NYC, etc) are probably weeding out APs who are just fantasizing about a year in some sort of paradise…
Just keep looking, and as hard as it is, try not to get too attached before they actually agree to match. You’ll find someone.
We’ve had 5 years of au pairs (3 au pairs) and we just finally matched with someone but this year was the worst when it came to interviews. I expressed interest in atleast 100 au pairs. And maybe only got 5 interviews, everyone else declined to interview. We have had three successful au pairs, two that extended and we live near downtown Houston with a pool and awesome neighborhood and au pair has her own beautiful garage apartment. This was with cultural care. I got so frustrated that I set up an account with APC and ended up matching there. I’ve told CC whatever they changed in the process is not working. Wasted so many hours trying to select girls to interview to no avail.
Many things can be a factor. She might have found a better destination for her like California or New York. I’m from /nearby Portland too au pairs have no idea how nice it is til they get here and are surprised. I have better luck in general with Latin au pairs . Saying that I’m a long time host mom and it is getting harder and harder to find the right au pair I had more than one ghost me. I think and just a guess here it’s a generation thing . That sad poor communication I not something you want in an au pair so feel thankful and the au pair you were meant to have will come along .
First, you’re not doing anything wrong. Not at all.
Second, unfortunately, this is becoming more and more of a problem with APs, and I would agree it may be a generational thing. (where “swipe right” and ghosting are now the norm). I have provided this feedback to the agencies we’ve used each round, and expressed how frustrating it is when these candidates refuse to respond or keep us hanging.
This has happened to us repeatedly over the past 7 years and can be incredibly frustrating when you invest so much time and energy.
Ultimately, that AuPair was looking for something specific and clearly her communication skills weren’t what they should be (i.e. she’s not open, willing to talk to you about the tough stuff, and responsible, etc.).
As difficult and disappointing as it is, in the end, you’ve dodged a bullet. Now, that isn’t to say she won’t come back around, after her dream offer falls through, but it sounds like (based on our experiences) that she was holding out for something specific.
I’ve also been on the opposite end of this, where a candidate gets so attached they start blowing up your phones, emails, and social media to the point of stalking, begging you to choose them! Also, not a good situation.
I always had better luck with European AuPairs (with the exception of Spain). Latin American AuPairs have always been a challenge when it comes time to schedule an interview, or they never respond. I do ask if they have their heart set on a specific location right out-of-the-gates in my first interview. That sometimes helps weed out those that are “really hoping for San Diego.”
Best of luck on your search, I know how hard it can be and frustrating, not to mention mentally and emotionally draining!
This is very, very common. Location does matter (to some au pairs) and if they don’t want to be with your family/in your location, it’s not a match. There are plenty of au pair candidates out there who would love to be in Portland. If you are looking for one from Germany, you need to start looking about 6 months before you need her to arrive (which seems weird, because you’ll just be hitting “your stride” with the au pair you have in-house at that point).
Don’t worry-it’s not you! Keep interviewing and try not to get your heart set on an au pair candidate-keep options open. We had this same thing happen to us more than once and I do feel like we dodged a bullet each time, especially when we ended up with rock stars that loved our family, loved our (not #1) location, and knew all the rules/restrictions we have in place.
Good luck-you will find “the one” even if it might not be the one you make your first match offer to. With our first ghostings, I would get with our au pair company to see if they could help-and they did-every au pair had matched with another family and just stopped responding. Now I “get it” and don’t bother wasting time. I send them one last email saying, “I haven’t heard from you in X days, so we are looking at other au pair candidates. Let us know if you are still interested in our family,” and then I move on.
It’s hard not to take it personally when candidates are unresponsive, but we try not to. We live in a small town and often get rejected based solely on location. Last year was especially difficult as we had not one, but TWO candidates match with us only to turn around and change their minds afterwards. The first one was an official match with the agency and a whole month later she sent us an email saying that she had matched with another family! I guess she had been talking to them the whole time and it was a more preferred location but they took longer to request a match. But at least she told us. The second one matched with us verbally, but then the next day refused the match on the agency site and told us she needed more time to explore options. After that we never heard from her again. Both were from Latin American countries if that makes any difference. But we have had plenty of Europeans be unresponsive as well. I think it is more the age/maturity level than anything else.
You’re not alone and not doing anything wrong! We had an au pair “accept” our match on the platform and then ghost us as the agency was confirming… talk about disappointing! I then noticed she was in re-match about a month after arriving. So, I echo what others said – you probably saved yourself. I’ve also noticed lately that it’s a much harder and longer process to select a match. Over our last 2 experiences, we’ve consistently gotten to 3rd interviews and then fallen off. I know some au pairs were talking to up to 10 families at a time and I’ve recently discussed many problems/issues with our agency for (1) allowing them to even talk to this many families at once and (2) not fully training au pairs to say a quick “no” if they don’t feel the connection. I feel many au pairs are just too scared to say no or turn families down after the first interview.
Talking as a former au pair (I was an au pair in 2009-2010). The reasons for her ghosting you can be:
1. She is just rude. Then it’s for the best that she “left the chat”. You don’t need a caregiver like her around your kids.
2. She has been ghosted the same way by another host-families, so she decided that it’s okay to do the same thing. Which is also not a great thing about an au pair, to be honest. Treat people like you would like to be treated.
German au pairs are in high demand because their English tends to be better, and they drive better than let’s say Eastern European au pairs (but it really depends). But you need to remember, that au pair program is presented differently to host families than to au pairs. To host families it is presented as a more affordable child care, when to au pairs it is presented as a “cultural exchange program” with zero mentioning that it’s a job, it is a real job and visa they are getting is a job visa and pay taxes. My LCC even went further and lied to me that I am not obligated to pay taxes at all when I asked her for help. Anyway, Germany is a pretty wealthy country, so au pairs from Germany really see USA as an opportunity to travel and see how other side of the world lives, they don’t see au pair job as a job. And they are very choosy. Location does matter, but there will be plenty of au pairs who would love to see Portland. I’d say that it is much more difficult to find an au pair if you live in remote area in Ohio than in Portland, OR. You also never mentioned how many kids do you have, and if there are any infants. If you have 3+ small kids it will definitely scare many au pairs off because it is difficult to watch after small kids, and many girls realize that it might be too much to handle, especially at young age.
Good luck finding the best match. And also I’d like to give an advice if you are looking for an au pair with good driving skills. If you have an access to her location, google where it is located, is there any public transportation etc. If it’s a big city, then you really need to ask her if she has a lot of driving experience. Because not everyone who lives in a big city really has that much driving skills because there is no need to drive on every day basis.
P.s. But honestly I am really surprized that au pairs would just ghost the family. It says a lot about how differently au pair agencies in different countries handle matching process. I was from Eastern Europe, and our agencies were threatening us that if we don’t pick the 4th family (if we rejected all previous families) they would break a contract with us, that we are nobody etc. We basically were forced to accept the offer.
First, I agree with Momo4, about how events probably transpired.
When it comes to selling Portland; yes, the au pair should be family-oriented, but she does have a choice in location, so I see nothing wrong with including some pictures and information in my profile about our town/county/state, to show them what they can expect here.
In response to OP not wanting to seem “overly pushy or eager”, I have found that my candidates enjoyed my eagerness and the au pair I eventually matched gave me the feedback, that while she had several families from NY and CA (and elsewhere) interested in her, she thought we had the best chemistry and that she didn’t feel as close to the others. I don’t think this is the time to play hard-to-get. I let them know if and what I like about them…but I have had my feelings hurt too.
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