Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash
Over the years in part thanks to some great advice on this site I have had many “we really need you to hold it together” proactive chats with our au pairs. Some didn’t really need the chat and finished the last day with the same zeal and commitment that they did the first day (rockstars!). Some tried but had to be reminded here and there to put something up or finish a task but luckily we had strong enough relationships with our au pairs that we never had anyone completely throw in the towel or make us micromanage to the point of damaging the bond.
How do you have the conversation and have them take it seriously without being condescending and what do you say?
Pick a time to sit down and have a heart to heart. If you are still doing weekly meetings (bravo!) then bring it up during that. If not, tell your au pair that you just need a few minutes to sync on the last few months to make sure everyone is on the same page and she/he doesn’t have any questions or need anything from you. This will add a little air of seriousness to the conversation that should get their attention.
Start by thanking them for their service to your family. Compliment them on their strengths and tell them how important their role is in your family dynamic and bridge that into explaining how much you need their help in holding things together the last couple of months. This is a great time to reintroduce that training checklist of job duties if needed!
Give them the benefit of the doubt. Tell them you know they are going to do a great job and everyone has great intentions but even great au pairs get distracted and they are going to be busy the last few months making plans back home, saying goodbyes and wrapping up last minute bucket list trips (and encourage them to do so).
Talk about the emotions they will likely encounter. Don’t be patronizing but tell them its often hard on au pairs when it gets closer to the end and its important for them to remember that the memories they have made with your family and your kids are exactly that – THEIR memories and no future or past au pair will ever take that from them. They will forever own this space and time and if you hope to stay in touch in the future talk about how you want that and want to be a reference for them etc but in order to do that you really need them to fight and end strong.
What if you still see slippage?
Pick up the slack or say something. If you decide to let it go or do it yourself you forfeit the right to hold it against them. Pick your battles. It is completely ok to knock on their door and say “hey AP can you clear the table before you leave please?”. Don’t stew because…
You can’t take it personally. I am 99.99% sure it is not about you. They are young. They have plans they are excited about back home. They are sad about the friends and family they are leaving behind. They are conflicted about leaving and their decision. They are stressed about the future. They
Enlist the help of your local coordinator. I am more than happy to remind au pairs how important it is to end on a high note, keep an eye out for slippage, nudge them to complete bucket list items, etc!
Do you struggle with end of year au pair senioritis? How have you been proactive to help keep things going strong at the end of the au pair term? If you have a conversation, how does it differ from the the above? How have your au pairs responded? What can we all do to help the relationships end on a high note?
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This is so timely! I’m feeling our au pairs burn from the summer. And was planning to have a bit of reset/let’s end the year right convo. This will be our first one because she extended with us. Hoping it goes well.
Yay! Good luck though I don’t think you will need it. Congrats on the successful term and extension.
To answer my own question above (I am feeling a tad schizophrenic now that I am guest posting and answering but that’s what y’all get until we get the comments kicking again!) my au pairs usually give me the “smother” look and assure me of course it won’t be a problem but that makes it much easier for me to then remind when/if it creeps in later (told you so!).
I do tend to eat the little things at the end. It’s just not worth it to me to remind on a single dish left on the table or shoes left in the living room. I just point to a kid and make them do it! ;) Joys of having older host kids!
I sometimes go back and look at pictures from the year to remind me of all the awesome memories if I find myself getting frustrated with something little to help keep things in perspective and to get my goodbye mojo going. :) They all mean well!
We are going through the final days as we speak, her last day will be Labor Day. It’s hard to believe its been two years, and its going to be tough to see her go. We sat down at the start of the Summer and just sort of level set all of our expectations, we did it again when she returned home from a lengthy vacation. She has been great about it and the small things that have slipped aren’t the end of the world and in fact make us realize how good we have had it for the past 23 months.
I love the idea of sitting down and level-setting the last few months of the year. I think it’s important to set expectations and communicate them with excitement and yet a serious approach.
We’ve seen the depression kick-in with some AuPairs… the realization they’re leaving and have to go back to something not quite as great as they’ve had it in the US, or that they won’t be seeing our lovely kiddos every day. We’ve seen the excitement kick in, the “senioritis” as well… and all of these situations can lead to slippage of the duties and respect they previously showed.
From all the years we’ve hosted, I’ve never felt it was intentional, so the sit-down and reminders might be a great way to bring it to their attention. Letting them know we, as host parents, know they are going through the gamut of emotions as they get ready to go back home, but remind them that they still have duties and the expectations remain the same. This is, after all, a year of work!
I’ve been too lax on this and it’s caused some mishaps along the way, and some hard lessons learned.
I’d also hope this is something Area Directors/LCCs communicate with their groups throughout the year, and reinforce as AP’s under their watch approach the last few months of the year. Hearing it from both sides reinforces the importance and also helps take away the “sting” (if there is any) of host parents being too demanding or unrealistic. No, I don’t think it’s unrealistic to expect APs to finish out their year strong, but I’ve heard some APs complain (not my APs, but their friends) that HPs are just too demanding thinking everything should be the norm as they approach their final days.
I guess that was a super long way of saying the sit-down and expectation conversations are a great way to help everyone end the year strong!
I like to sit down with the AP a month before she leaves and ask what she wants or needs to accomplish before she goes. People she wants to see, gifts she needs to buy, etc. We make a list and then look at the calendar to see when those can be accomplished. If she needs to rearrange her work schedule a bit or do some things during work hours, we iron out those details.
This also lets me know when we can plan her goodbye with the family and she can plan her goodbyes with her friends. The worst is when you’ve planned a special farewell celebration and she didn’t know in advance, but planned to go spend one last night out with friends. A little coordination goes a long way.
Excellent point about those last bucket list items and helping them accomplish them! You get what you give in these relationships and investing in them at the end can definitely inspire them to double down the effort to end things well (not why you do it but a lovely side effect).
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