Explaining To Family and Friends Why You’re Getting An Au Pair

by cv harquail on April 18, 2014

Can you remember back to the first time you ever heard about the Au Pair program?

I can’t remember how I first heard about it (and I think I assumed I knew what an au pair was). But I *do* remember trying to explain the whole concept to my dad. And then to my coworkers, my next-door neighbors, my mother-in-law, and the receptionist at our pediatrician’s office.

Most people who aren’t or haven’t been host parents have no idea what an au pair is.

Because the term itself is French, people jump to two conclusions:

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First, they assume that an au pair is something only snobbish people do, because who else tosses in a french term when an English one will do?

Second, they assume that simply translating the term into English explains the whole thing.   

The title comes from the French term au pair, meaning “at par” or “equal to”, indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a traditional domestic worker.

Both of these conclusions are wrong, wrong, wrong.

The Simple, Easy Explanation

Explaining what an au pair is to other people is actually the easy part:  “An au pair is a young adult who comes to the USA for a year or so on a student visa, to live with you, provide childcare, learn English, and explore another culture.”

What Some People Really Want to Know

And the hard part isn’t even telling them what they really want to know:

  • Why are you doing this?
  • How can you imagine having someone else live in your home?
  • Why not use a childcare center like everyone else?
  • Why not get a Nanny, if you want in home care?
  • Are you sure an Au Pair isn’t coming here just to get around immigration rules?

The hard part is handling the judgment.

I’d gotten so accustomed to au pairs as a concept that I’d forgotten all about the judgment, until we got an email from BayAreaMomToBe:

I was just about to match with an au pair, and my father sent me a really adamant email against the idea.  His thoughts:

Whether it’s for your personal convenience or some other reason,  it’s not worth the high risk of future family problems or even the breakup of your marriage to invite a young woman to come live in your home. What are their immediately goals in the US:
1) to get into the country,    2) to stay in the country,   3) to find a husband, and  4) to find a better job.  

If they can find an marry an American husband, then they can achieve their goals easily. …  We just have seen and heard too many stories involving this kind of situation. These have a disastrous ending for the hostess. 

Why can’t you find a nice childcare center near your office, and have the baby there? That’s what your sister did and it is working fine for her.  Then you could go by at lunchtime, or even for a break, and see the baby when you want to. It will be convenient and you won’t have to have someone living in your house, interrupting your family life.  Actually, once you understand human nature and possible human behaviors, the possibilities and probabilities on problems are all there. Don’t take the risk. 

After looking through the posts on the blog, I’ve seen that many host parents have problems like the ones that concern my Father.

Are my husband and I being naive? I would love to hear what your readers think. And, I would like to have a better way to explain the au pair program for my family.      ~MaybeBayAreaHostMom

Parents, how do you explain to people WHY you have an au pair? 

                              What do you tell them about your family, about your job, about your kids, about your needs, about your dreams and hopes, that explain why you have an au pair?

                              Or, do you just ignore their questions and the potential judgment that’s behind the questions? 

Image: Manny’s foot at the GGB” by ju-leo, from Flickr,  Some Rights Reserved

{ 45 comments }

HRHM April 18, 2014 at 2:55 pm

It sounds to me like Dad thinks your DH is going to hook up with your AP! Shame on him for A) not trusting your DH if you do and B) assuming that an AP would have that motive or interest.

You are not being naive in thinking that this may the best childcare option for you. First of all, if you’re spending any time on this site, you are obviously trying to do your homework. Secondly, you won’t truly know if it’s for you or not until you try it. I was amazed that the things I worried about in the beginning were never really issues for me. And the things that were issues were things I never thought about before having an Au Pair.

I will say this – If I needed full day in home care for a baby, I would hire a Nanny. I only say this because I would want to ensure that I was using a professional care giver for an infant and as nice as APs are, most are NOT professional care givers. I reserve the use of an AP for my kids because they are in school and I need a split schedule (nearly impossible to find a Nanny that will work that way) I certainly understand that there are areas of the US where a live in Nanny would be unaffordable but an AP not, however, outside of major metro areas, you could probably find a Nanny for around the same overall cost and an increased peace of mind. Plus you wouldn’t have to provide her cell, her car/insurance, tuition, and her work (clean the bathroom while baby naps, do you wash along with baby’s) is negotiable. An AP’s is not.

skny April 19, 2014 at 12:01 pm

Extremely true. in our case we get the language benefit. Main reason we still have an ap. otherwise we would be using a nanny

WarmStateMomma April 18, 2014 at 3:21 pm

In my professional circle, most people have a nanny and a few use daycare. In my non-professional circle, everyone uses daycare. The nanny folks get it when you explain it as an affordable bilingual nanny. The daycare folks think it’s a yuppy extravagance. The doctor’s office and similar places don’t get it and call the AP a nanny.

APs do come here for different reasons, but nannies/daycare workers aren’t all Mary Poppins, either. I like deciding how I want to raise my child and the AP complies with that in a way that a nanny might not and a daycare definitely won’t. APs are not professionals, but I prefer to hire someone who has more intelligence and education than your average daycare worker. I also want to raise my child bilingual and daycare centers don’t usually offer that, although they may mention having a Spanish word of the day or 15 minutes of sign language included in the program.

It’s not for everyone, but our current AP makes my life a lot easier and she provides my child with something daycare cannot (a second language). I don’t worry about an AP crossing any lines with my husband. If this is something the OP or her family are honestly concerned about, the program may not be a good fit for them.

Should be working April 18, 2014 at 3:21 pm

Well, the dad is showing more about himself than about the AP program, with all that concern for how this could break up the marriage! The OP should evaluate her options and her feelings about the reliability of her marriage. If the dad is in fact articulating something the OP has in the back of her worried mind, then the OP might consider another form of childcare.

Explaining why people have APs is more complicated. It came up on that other thread that a LOT of people think having an AP is a snob thing, and that it is very expensive and elite. I thought this too, before I looked into it. I sometimes get defensive when people insinuate or ask about how costly it is, and quickly announce the full actual cost and compare it to nannies, which makes me feel bad also, because it is so money-focused an explanation.

I guess the short version would be: “We have a lot of flexibility for the childcare, we like having a big-family feel (I do, actually, a lot), we like the language/culture exchange, the kids like it, and it ends up not costing much more than a nanny. Yes, there can be challenges to having someone live in your house but there are upsides as well.” Anyone with questions can take it from there. Probably it won’t dispel the snob idea entirely, but so what.

WestMom April 18, 2014 at 5:01 pm

We live in NY metro and many many families in our bilingual circle have APs, so I don’t find myself having to explain our AP relationship much. I did have to introduce my foreign family to the idea though. I clearly remember my mom telling me she would not have felt comfortable having a young woman live at home (was she concerned about my dad? Not sure). Once we brought AP #1 home for Christmas, she took me aside and told me ‘she got it’. She has been raving about this arrangement ever since.

One personal thought… Like HRHM, we have only considered the AP program once all our kids were in school. Before that, I felt much more at ease with a full time, experienced nanny. I am not sure I would have felt as comfortable leaving my babies with a somewhat inexperienced young woman when they were infants or toddlers. At least once they are in school, they are old enough to tell me how things are going while I am away.

Also, 45hrs of AP per week would have not been sufficient to cover our full time work schedule + commute (9hrs a day doesn’t leave much time for commuting!). It would have added a lot of stress to my day! But now that they are in school full time, I appreciate the flexibly of the AP program hours, and we too split hours into early morning and afternoon shifts.

To get back to your dad… Maybe one of his concern is the potential disruption to your new family (assuming this is baby #1 here). Nothing quite prepares you for the new arrival, and all the changes baby brings to a couple. It was an important moment for DH and I to learn and grow into parents together. Cheating is the least of my concerns here. It’s really about growing as a team, finding your place in the family, defining your values… I could see that it may not have been the best time for us to bring a new person into this equation (whether it be AP or MIL!!!).

exaupair April 18, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Bit off topic, but here it goes: I was wondering, is there really so many European young adults who are desperately trying to get into the US and stay. You have only 2 weeks or so of paid leave, professionals(like myself) have to work on demand, so literally whenever the company needs anything from them, the maternity leave as far as I’ve heard is a joke plus it may or may not be paid for depending on the employer, 45 hrs week, and so on. Employees have it much better in Europe.
What I said above is NOT my personal experience, it is what I’ve heard from a former colleague who moved to the US.

HRHM April 18, 2014 at 6:31 pm

Maybe CV can make this a separate post topic.

What I will say is that for professionals in the US, there is usually 6 weeks paid maternity leave and you can often extend that via FMLA to 12 weeks. Not a joke, real paid time off. Certainly for lower income individuals or employees of small businesses, this is highly variable. As far as young women choosing to emigrate to the US, maternity leave is often the LAST thing on their minds…they are 20 and aren’t even in a relationship yet. Most of them have little to no idea of how social programs are set up here in the US and many don’t even understand how they are set up back home, so not really making a comparison before deciding. Most think the US is like the movies (some places it is, others not so much). Many come from countries where the economy is not in good shape. I don’t think the vast majority of APs are using the program to sneak into the US, but it is one source of illegal immigration to this country, as are student visas, tourist visas and other exchange programs. Not all illegal aliens enter our country across the Rio Grande.

Host Mom in the City April 21, 2014 at 9:05 am

HRHM, I’m sure there are many professions where 6 weeks paid is normally, but nowhere I’ve every worked. As a point of comparison and to really drive the point home, the US Federal government does not have paid maternity leave AT ALL. Federal employees have to take unpaid leave and/or use up all their sick leave time for maternity leave. Employers of a certain size do have to give up to 12 weeks UNPAID time under FMLA, but I most certainly would not say that there is “usually” 6 weeks paid maternity leave. And of course for anyone hourly or employees of small business, you’re basically just screwed. The state of maternity leave in our country is abysmal.

Seattle Mom April 18, 2014 at 7:11 pm

My first AP was *extremely offended* when a distant family member suggested to her that she was planning to try to stay in the US. This stupid woman had asked my AP if some APs try to stay in the US, and how they would do it legally. My AP explained to her how it works, that she had a friend who did it legally (she found a job and got to come back under a different visa status to do the job). Then the stupid woman acted like that was my APs plan, and said something like “good luck with getting to live here permanently!”

Stupid woman is not actually related to me.. she is dating my husband’s cousin. I was also mad at her because she was unnecessarily mean to my then-3 year old in the name of “not coddling children.” She has never had kids, will never have them. Fine, but don’t mess with my kid and my childcare provider!

Unfortunately I think a lot of people out there assume the worst of people and don’t really listen to them to understand their true intentions and motivations, like stupid woman.

Angie host mom April 18, 2014 at 7:31 pm

There are definitely some.The US is really beautiful and the culture does call to at least a subset of au pairs as a place they want to spend the rest of their life, and the diversity of heritages present is appealing as well. So there is an appeal beyond work (that said, many Americans find Europe or South America appealing).

Those au pairs coming from countries where work is difficult to obtain are more likely to want to stay in the US. Sometimes young professionals want to come so they can put American business experience on their resumes. I am sure Americans go to Europe for the same reason.

Dorsi April 18, 2014 at 7:43 pm

A friend recently left the program after a bad experience with an Au Pair. She felt the AP was “playing her husband against her” — asking the husband for certain favors that the HM had already told her she couldn’t have. Without knowing the full situation, I think this revealed a weakness in her marriage, and less a problem with an AP.

All child care solutions have negatives and you have to pick the negative that you are most willing to work with. We could have never done center-based care for our children — we can’t take sick days to stay home when our kids have pink-eye, etc. Also, we need the night and weekend hours and the cost of doing that with a nanny seemed prohibitive. (In our area, an AP is considerably cheaper than a nanny).

The AP situation involves both partners more than most other childcare. Even if HD is not involved in management of childcare typically, I would expect he is more likely to have an opinion than he would with center based care or a nanny.

Infidelity is a real problem in a lot of relationships, but I do not think, in most circumstances that having an AP increases that risk. A friend of mine likes to say that everybody has a cheating threshold, based on availability of a partner, ethics, feasibility, risk etc. I have never really worried about my DH cheating — even though an AP does increase availability of possible partners. He travels extensively for work (which provides much lower risk situation for cheating if he were so inclined). I also have not been concerned that any of my APs find HD to be a possible partner — father of young children is really not so glamourous. What I am trying to say is that I don’t think the 19 yo in your home is the problem. If there is a problem, it was there before she arrived.

Skny April 20, 2014 at 8:00 am

My 17yo teenager will play one against other too, and I agree it is a problem of communication between couple. We had to figure out fast (and even then she will figure out how to triangulate at times

NJmama April 18, 2014 at 9:02 pm

We know only one other family who have an au pair and they do not live close to us. I would say half of my family / friends viewed it as a snob thing and half make comments about why would I have a young girl in my house (and some people are quite obnoxious about that). Personally I think those comments have more to do with the people making them. The way I have dealt with it is to point out a few practical points -like hey it’s obvious we’re not that well off and there are many single parents with au pairs (not that that should matter but whatever). Also it’s incredibly hard to find someone to reliably work a split shift. Plus we have no family around so it’s nice to have someone at the house that we can rely on in the event the kids get sick, etc. having au pairs are wonderful in that regard.
And finally what I also say – and what usually puts a stop to the comments – is that yes, there are girls who become au pairs just to find husbands, and yes there are husbands who cheat. But the vast majority of 21 year olds have no interest in guys the age of their own fathers — receding hairlines and paunchy bellies are just not that attractive to them.
But seriously I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to convince your dad or anyone else with those preconceived notions. But like WestMom as people have seen our au pairs in action the comments have died down for the most part.

HRHM April 18, 2014 at 11:52 pm

In my case, my husband is a hottie, no paunchy belly or receding hairline here! And most of my APs have been very attractive young ladies – neither of these things matter. If a man (or woman) is going to cheat, looks rarely have anything to do with it. If you can’t trust DH with a beautiful AP, you can’t trust him with an unattractive one either and vice versa.

I’ve never worried about this. I’m way more worried about my AP ruining my towels than my marriage. The condition of my marriage is on me, not some outsider.

German Au-Pair April 20, 2014 at 7:04 am

I had a few AP friends who acknowledged how hot their HD was -and they were right about that- but from my experience it’s more like acknowledging your uncle is hot. You find him attractive -as in: you can see he is attractive- but you are not attracted to him because that idea is so absurd it doesn’t even cross your mind.

Seattle Mom April 19, 2014 at 12:05 am

The thing about the OP’s letter that rankles me is where her father says “that is what your sister does and it works fine for her.” If my father said something like that to me I wouldn’t even address his concerns, but I would let him know that just because something is fine for my sister does not mean that it is fine for me! I would also be annoyed about him being such a busybody.

CAAP April 19, 2014 at 12:33 am

Perfectly said! What works well for one individual or family does not work well for others! That comment would personally infuriate me.

WarmStateMomma April 19, 2014 at 9:03 am

I heard the same thing from my parents about lots of my decisions related to my child. My answer is that my sister does not decide how my children are raised. Just because one sibling has kids first doesn’t mean they’ve “cracked the code” and figured out how to do it perfectly for everyone, no matter how adorable their child is (and he is super adorable).

Angie host mom April 19, 2014 at 1:18 am

DH is a hottie plus well off plus an amazing guy. APs have never touched or tried to. They are frankly crazy not to hit on him, except for the fact that our marriage is strong enough that he’d probably laugh and they probably know it.

Anyway, folks will judge any child care decision you make (don’t feed honey! Honey is a must! don’t breastfeed too long! breastfeed longer! cloth diapers! Disposables!) so whatever!! We’ve been immune since first baby day 3 or so.

Host Mom in the City April 21, 2014 at 9:06 am

This is so true. I learned early on that you just have to do what works for you and pretty much avoid talking about anything controversial with people who refuse to understand.

Aloha April 19, 2014 at 2:54 am

When I mentioned to my coworkers and friends that I was getting an Aupair, most of them laughed as to why would you do that when there is US nannies, or childcare centers available. My husband and I come from certain cultures where you don’t hire outside help (besides daycare centers) to help you, your family helps you. My parents live 10 min from us, and my mother in law about 30 minutes so we had the help nearby! I just called the AP our the “additional” help!

Plus I didn’t want my parents to be the dedicated caregivers – let them enjoy their retirement! I tell people I do it for the exposure of a different culture for my kids (three kids under 7) and the flexibility of a split shift an Aupair gives you (both my husband and I work FT on opposite shifts with 2 hour each way commutes). APs also come in handy when you have to rush to Emergency and need someone to stay with the kids! When you find someone great and on the same page with your family, you cannot beat it. Our last one practically managed the house and kids. Cooked full dinners 4-5xs a week, cleaned, played with kids , was a great driver, helped with homework, was handy at fixing things in our house, organized birthday parties (and did the invites) for the kids etc.
if anything my coworkers and friends who gave APs a thumbs down we’re actually jealous! Lol

I have to comment about the husband thing I read above, -if your marriage is strong you won’t have to worry about a thing! Most APs don’t want older men with 3 young kids! That’s just too much baggage! Lol!

Former NOVA mom, now NZMum April 19, 2014 at 5:37 am

We had 4 Au Pairs in the US and we had a lot of questions about why, how could we afford them etc. I used them when kids were really young(like 2 under 2 1/2) and we wanted in home child care and care at times on the weekends as I often worked weekends and so OH needed help. When they got older(3 and 5) we used day care as needed, as we did in between Au Pairs and that worked fine as well. My kids are now 7/9 and we used before and after school care/holiday care based at the school. We are considering an Au Pair in the next year or so for max 25 hrs per week, mainly before and after school care drop off etc but we have to look at costs. I now work 2 part time jobs. Au Pairs here are not the norm but there is less class system over here where we live and no one really is bothered if you have an Au Pair or not.

DCBurbTwinMomma April 19, 2014 at 7:21 am

In the DC Metro area having an au pair is less exotic and more of a quite common necessity for families who need the flexibility that the program offers. I use many of the above explanations but I like to add that for us the “nanny tax” issue is a real fear. I’m a Senior Attorney and DH is a (hottie) judge, we want no confusion over whether we are paying the daycare person correctly and filing taxes. If this were to be questioned, it could politically and professional embarrass us. This, the au pair structure is preferable with it transparent pay and ease of filing one tax return. I say, flexibility for working professionals with changing demands, tax ease and cost.

I started using au pairs when my preemie twins were about 4 months old. It is false to say that all au pairs are inexperienced kids that should only be used for school aged kids. My first au pair has professional day care licensure and over 12 years of caring for groups on infants in the commercial daycare her family owns. She came when I still had a night nurse (who was the girl’s ICU nurse when they were in the hospital). The au pair has the maturity and experience to handle quasi-medical procedures the girls needed (stomach content weighing, tube feeding etc). She taught us how easy cloth diapering twin fragile infants can be (we are still in cloth diapers now) and had a wealth of infant concepts that have led my infants to grow into healthy and wonderful toddler hooligans.

The current au pair holds a BS in engineering from Colombia and is here to master English well enough to be able to conduct business in English. She also played semi-pro basketball in her country and the activities she plans for the toddlers are dizzying: simple science experiments, nature hikes, bug discovery, sports, exercise, trips into the city to see museums, reading about ideas and concepts and then going to see them (the cherry blossom festival, the Chinese New Year parade in Chinatown, the st. Patrick festivities etc). I cannot recreate this through daycare and I do not want to pay nanny rates in the DC Metro to arguably get less.

If DH were going to cheat he would. Both of my au pairs have been stunning mid 20s Colombian women with youth and exotic looks on their side. DH is also an engineer by degree and worked internationally so he and the current au pair share a technical background, play the same instruments and engage on tennis, basketball and swimming while my interests lie elsewhere. And guess what–they’re not doing anything. I trust him my marriage can withstand him seeing a beautiful woman. Plus, the father’s assumption that her DH is just a weak time bomb is offensive beyond daycare options that it almost makes his letter not worthy of a reply.

Lastly, the au pair does become family in a way that I judge not personally witnessed with other arrangements. We eat together, shop together, laugh together. The au pair sits in the kitchen while I cook and we talk about our lives and interests. She will grab a crying toddler during off hours to give me 5 minutes to soothe the other when something dramatic and terrible happened like a favorite song ends or the neighbor dog is no longer outside. There is no such thing as too many people having positive love toward your child–the au pair brings that. We’ve taken her (and her ser some biyfriend) on road trips with us and who else would help (during off time) wrangle wired hooligans at 2am when traffic got you off track?

I’m blessed to have found amazing people who add to our family unit. Our extended families love our au pairs and I now how fluent Spanish speaking kiddos (as fluent as 2 near 3 year olds can be). OP, having a person live with you is an adjustment but it can be an amazing journey that far outweighs the negatives.

DCBurbTwinMomma April 19, 2014 at 7:30 am

In the DC Metro area having an au pair is less exotic and more of a quite common necessity for families who need the flexibility that the program offers. I use many of the above explanations but I like to add that, for us, the “nanny tax” issue is a real fear. I’m a Senior Attorney and DH is a (hottie) Judge, we want no confusion over whether we are paying the daycare person correctly and filing taxes. If this were to be questioned, it could politically and professional embarrass us. Thus, the au pair structure is preferable with it transparent pay and ease of filing one tax return. So my answers are: flexibility for working professionals with changing demands, tax ease and cost.

I started using au pairs when my preemie twins were about 4 months old. It is false to say that all au pairs are inexperienced kids that should only be used for school aged kids. My first au pair had professional day care licensure and over 12 years of caring for groups of infants in the commercial daycare her family owns. She came when I still had a night nurse who was the girl’s ICU nurse when they were in the hospital. The au pair had the maturity and experience to handle quasi-medical procedures the girls needed (stomach content weighing, tube feeding etc). She taught us how easy cloth diapering twin fragile infants could be (we are still in cloth diapers now) and had a wealth of infant concepts that have led my infants to grow into healthy and wonderful toddler hooligans.

The current au pair holds a BS in engineering from her country, Colombia, and is here to master English well enough to be able to conduct business in English. She also played semi-pro basketball in her country and the activities she plans for the toddlers are dizzying: simple science experiments, nature hikes, bug discovery, sports, exercise, trips into the city to see museums, reading about ideas and concepts and then going to see them (the cherry blossom festival, the Chinese New Year parade in Chinatown, the St. Patrick festivities etc). I cannot recreate this through daycare and I do not want to pay nanny rates in the DC Metro to arguably get less.

If my hubby was going to cheat he would. Both of my au pairs have been stunning mid 20s Colombian women with youth and exotic looks on their side. DH is also an engineer by degree and worked internationally so he and the current au pair share a technical background, play the same instruments and engage in tennis, basketball and swimming while my interests lie elsewhere. And guess what–they’re not doing anything. I trust him and my marriage can withstand him seeing a beautiful woman. The father’s assumption that her husband is just a weak time bomb is offensive beyond daycare options that it almost makes his letter not worthy of a reply.

Lastly, the au pair does become family in a way that I judge not personally witnessed with other arrangements. We eat together, shop together, laugh together. The au pair sits in the kitchen while I cook and we talk about our lives and interests. She will grab a crying toddler during off hours to give me 5 minutes to soothe the other when something dramatic and terrible happened like a favorite song ends or the neighbor dog is no longer outside. There is no such thing as too many people having positive love toward your child–the au pair brings that. We’ve taken her (and her awesome boyfriend) on road trips with us and who else would help (during off time) wrangle wired hooligans at 2am when traffic got you off track?

I’m blessed to have found amazing people who add to our family unit. Our extended families love our au pairs and I now how fluent Spanish speaking kiddos (as fluent as 2 near 3 year olds can be). OP, having a person live with you is an adjustment but it can be an amazing journey that far outweighs the negatives.

Sara Epstein April 19, 2014 at 1:24 pm

I wanted to write up my experience to share as well, but it reads almost exactly like DCBurbTwinMomma’s. So I’ll just say ‘ditto’ (with the exception that we are in a slightly different line of work). And I’d add that the exposure to a variety of cultures (Danish, Spanish, & Colombian so far) is an added benefit that we really treasure about our experiences with our 3 APs. The fact that my 4y/o can locate Denmark on a globe and talk about ‘Dear AP #1’ living there and that she speaks Danish is an impressive concept – comprehension, at a rather young age, that the world is much bigger than what we can see out our window! We’ve hosted APs since my oldest was 15 mos and through the birth of my younger child who is now 2. I’d also agree that the right AP can absolutely be a good fit for an infant. Good luck, OP – I think you should give it a try!

CA-TXmom April 19, 2014 at 8:40 am

The Au pair program has been fantastic for us and our best option for child care. I agree with the above statements but I wanted to add that I feel that having the Au pair has strengthened my marriage. Unlike other child care options we have enough hours left over to do routine date nights. I trust my husband completely and frankly Au pairs are more interested in guys their own age. Logisticly my husband and Au pair are rarely alone together and if he wanted to cheat he would have a much easier time doing that when he travels 1-week per month. That being said, I would feel uncomfortable having an Au pair that looks like a model in my house. Not because I worry my husband would cheat but because if I want to look frumpy in my own house then I feel that I would be more comfortable with someone else who also was similar to that.

Momma Gadget April 19, 2014 at 8:57 am

Should I be offended that no one was ever worried about our bro-pairs hitting on me? LOL!
We have tried it all- live in Nannies, daycare, babysitters etc. The bottom line is you need to find the best option for you and your growing family. Our friends and family will always have opinions on every choice we make for our children.. even starting with the names we are considering. Most of the people who did not know much about the AP program, after meeting our APs, and seeing how they interact with our family and children are no longer doubters.

It is human nature to focus on the negative, to whisper juicy and crazy stories from ear to ear… because they are often more entertaining than reality. The majority of APs are not spouse steeling harlot’s only looking to gain US citizenship. Most are normal young adults looking to improve their english, their experiences or their chances of getting a better job back home. They make mistakes just like every human; but, you have more worries about them wrecking your dishes than your marriage.

All childcare options are frustratingly flawed. The flexibility when one of the kids is home sick, and the help with the kids laundry, meals etc alone have made the Au pair option the best choice for us.The exposure and connection shared with people from another country has been an enriching bonus for our whole family.

It is a hard thing to do, but I have had to tell my own father on other issues , that although we appreciate his concern and value his opinion, we are the parents and we will make the decision on what is best for our children.

Hosting an Au pair is really not for every one. Not all APs are fabulous (nor are all HFs) . But when you have a great one, your life is infinitely less stressful… and a happy Mom is a better Mom.

Good luck to you!

Host Mom in the City April 21, 2014 at 9:09 am

Another good point – all child care methods have distinct pros and cons. For us given the hours we actually need, the au pair program is actually the most expensive option. But the flexibility, the culture exchange, and the fact that my kids really get to know and love their care provider clinches it for me.

CapitolHostMom April 19, 2014 at 11:42 am

I know from having two teens and an Au pair in the house, some things just never change and I’d like to reference something from their vernacular to help boost your confidence and spirits. “Haters be hating.” It’s clear your Dad is coming from a place of concern and love but his execution is off. And how nice that he emailed you instead of confronting you in perskn head on. That said, he had his go at baby rearing and now it’s your turn. As all parents soon learn, no decision is too private for others to judge or offer advice from baby Tylenol to cosleeping to youth sports to appropriate preteen clothes. Whether people understand or not, focus your energy on being a great bio parent and host parent. You’ll have a great experience and your dad (coworkers, neighbors, receptionist at pediatricians office) will either start to understand and see why it’s great or they won’t. Good luck!

London Mum April 19, 2014 at 5:33 pm

In UK, especially London, au pairs are very common, mostly because it is the cheapest and most convenient and flexible form of childcare. However, people often make snobby comments about having an au pair, implying that you must be rich. This is basically because you need to live in a big enough home to have a spare bedroom. In London house prices are very high and many families would not have the space for an au pair. I used to constantly try and explain it’s the cheapest form of childcare to justify it, now I just smile and say, “yes, we have an au pair” and let them think what they like!

As for hitting on DH, even a hot HD, most APs in their 20s would not be interested in a guy over 30 with kids!

exaupair April 20, 2014 at 9:49 am

IMHO, married host dad is out of the question, a single host dad is quite a catch. I personally find single men with children very attractive.

TexasHM April 19, 2014 at 6:21 pm

Agreed with all above with one point to add – an AP would have to be beyond brazen I think to go after a HD. This AP likely interviewed largely with HM, bonds with kids, to go after a HD knowing the children and wife that would be impacted and doing it their own home is a whole ‘nother world of ballsy in my personal opinion. It’s one thing like others have mentioned to imagine an HD getting into trouble with a stranger on a business trip in another city, but to have him proposition the AP (insane) and her be into it (even more insane) is borderline unimaginable to me. I do know of a single dad that tried and a married one that got grabby after a few but that AP (I spoke to in rematch) said the HD and HM were on the rocks before she came and hardly spoke and he had a huge ego so she was uncomfortable early on and the minute he tried she called the LC. Single dad AP called LC immediately too. It’s a lot to open your home to a stranger and entrust your precious cargo and I’m sure that’s what he’s worried about but yes, delivery terrible.
We’ve done every daycare option and public daycares got my kid ringworm, bitten (daycare workers didn’t know which kid did it or why) and my best friends infant (6 week old) got whooping cough. My son would have to be peeled off my leg everyday and once we got an AP he was running out the door with her forgetting to tell me goodbye. :). I think having them live with you takes the care to another level. There’s an emotional investment you don’t always get in other forms of childcare and you have the flexibility to leave them sick in bed, let them go to a carnival or special local event or have play dates and sports. There are horror stories about licensed daycares all the time.
Unfortunately the tone “once you understand” aka you’re an idiot is super patronizing and my dad tends toward this and once I got married I had to shut him down. As far as “future family problems” not sure what that means and “your personal convenience” smacks of entitlement so you’ve got way bigger issues than responding to this email! I would reply “I appreciate your concern (giving him grace) and I’m sorry you have heard of unfortunate situations but we have done a lot of research and hired an agency that manages this program including background checks, experience/reference checks and we have a local counselor that will be involved as well.” If you’ve picked your AP you might offer up something like “we have matched with a brilliant AP from France that loves kids, has a nursing degree and worked in an ER and needs to be fluent in English to join an international humanitarian nursing program. She has a long term boyfriend back home and no interest in marrying an American or staying here after her term.” You can skip that second part if you don’t want to give him ammunition but the point is the decision has been made and will be supported. We went as far as to say they would be treated as family or we would have to limit our visits to their house because we weren’t comfortable leaving a family member home alone and left out. They backed down and supported but you bet I can’t go there for advice or frustrated or I get “send them home!”. :(. They are warming up but still, 3.5 years in I can tell he still thinks we are nuts and doesn’t get it. Oh well!

exaupair April 20, 2014 at 9:44 am

BayAreaMomToBe@ your Dad is just expressing his worries, which is what dads are supposed to be doing :-) But to be blunt, no confident woman, regardless on her age, should be afraid that a young foreigner will bed her husband as soon as she settles in their house. It mostly happens in c-class movies. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen at all, but I believe that if a man is prone to cheat, he will find his way to cheat, be it with the au pair, a colleague, or a lady from local groceries. If the problem exists, it has most likely been there before the potential AP arrived and it will remain after she’s gone.

That said, when I was au pairing, I’ve met a man who was my partners former colleague, and a Host Dad himself. In the inner circle of friends he was notorious for f****g everything that moves, and he boasted about messing about with all of his former APs and the current one. He kept their photos in his iphone and I must say, 4 of them were way below average and the fifth one was barely acceptable (even for English standards, and as some of you might have heard, English women in general are not known for being exceptionally beautiful). Another man, a Host Dad too, had a different story to tell – when his AP(mind you, a girl from my home country) started to make slight attempts, he expressed he wasn’t interested twice, and the third time she got few hours to pack and find a hotel to move into. He only told his fiancee when things got serious enough to send her packing.
So cheater will cheat and he will not be too picky, and a devoted honest husband will not. We’re all humans but we make our own choices and as tempted as the Host Dad could be, he will choose not to, for the sake of respect for his family at least.

London Mum April 20, 2014 at 10:02 am

Exaupair, I don’t think you can generalise that an entire nation is ugly “(even for English standards, and as some of you might have heard, English women in general are not known for being exceptionally beautiful)”. I don’t know what your home country is but I’m sure there are beautiful and ugly people as in any country! As with most nationalities everyone is a mixture of everywhere, otherwise “Americans” would be native Indians. You seem to have a narrow “global perspective”!

exaupair April 20, 2014 at 11:03 am

Nope, my narrow global perspective came from personal observation, and what others say. I never said that every English woman is a dog, of course there are plenty of good looking ladies, but my impression is that in general they don’t know how to look after themselves, they lack style and class.
You are right London Mum, my impression is also based on where I came from.
So, I came from a country where people after 40 years of communism (empty shelves in every shop, no foreign currency and foreign goods allowed, no passports), started experiencing something entirely different and got confused with it. Imagine how would your first proper deep breath feel like after years of not being able to breathe at all. I’ve been raised in somewhat pretentious well-heeled community where women dress to the nines whenever they go out to walk a dog for 5 mins. All in the spirit of “whe’re not in this together”.
Where we live now, there’s a diversity of people from probably every possible background from very well off to the verge of poverty. And yes, up to this day it strikes me how can some women be so carefree about their looks whenever they go out. I don’t expect designer dress and stilettos when someone walks out to throw out the garbage, but I can’t stand greasy hair, clothes that expose most if not all body flaws, fingernails bitten to the bare flesh with chipped nail polish, makeup that makes you look as if you were on a day release. I’m not saying that every single English woman fits that description, but I have seen many who do! This is what I meant by saying that English ladies are not famous for their looks.

cv harquail April 24, 2014 at 11:20 pm

Readers, please note that these comments about English women have been called out as being disrespectful.

I am leaving them up, however, because the reader who responded to them in an effort to manage the situation did so in a thoughtful way. Her replies offer a good example of how to challenge a blog comment that is unkind, offensive, or otherwise outside how we’d like to interact together.

Sure, we do make generalizations about cultures, and we all have our preferences and our judgements. When and *IF* we share these on the blog, it’s important to do it kindly.

LondonMum April 20, 2014 at 11:34 am

I have also seen this, from many different nationalities. Just so you know, I’m only half English and my husband is not from an English family so I too have many different perspectives and London is very diverse.

TexasHM April 21, 2014 at 1:14 am

To answer CVs original question – when people ask we say we have tried literally every form of childcare situation and having an AP is hands down the best thing we’ve ever done. It evens the adult:kid ratio in the house (3 kids), it allows me to jump on a plane for work and leave the kids in bed and know they will get off to school or be home with the AP running all over town hitting libraries, special events and everything I would do with them if I were home. It’s the next closest thing to having me do it – but with the energy of a 20 something year old! I talk about kids staying home sick, teacher work days, long holiday breaks, kids laundry and another driver to activities. People here are often unfamiliar with the program and their biggest hang up by far is having someone live in their home. It’s not a class thing or money thing (AP is about equal to daycare chain for 2 kids full time) or even room thing as housing is awesome here, it’s a privacy challenge.

London Mum April 21, 2014 at 3:39 am

In UK an au pair is about half the cost of childcare in a nursery and also if you count in 2 babysits a week, that would cost an additional £50-60 per week. We don’t have any subsidized childcare, when I went back to work and put my 10 month old in a nursery it cost me £1200 a month, an au pair costs half that and as you say it is the convenience that I need, I can just leave for work if the kids are still in bed etc.

London Mum April 21, 2014 at 3:41 am

Oh, and the £1200 a month was just for 3 days!

Mimi April 21, 2014 at 2:36 pm

We explain the au pair as a cultural exchange program centered around childcare. They are not common in our area so we frequently will resort to calling them a live-in foreign nanny. Our needs are for care during our work hours, so we have a very regular schedule that isn’t likely to change anytime soon as child #4 is due to arrive this August.

For us, joining the program was initially about cost. Even with the program fees, it still cost half what daycare would cost because we had twins. I was initially hesitant about the program for a number of reasons; having a stranger living in my home was the biggest one. I was also concerned about how it might disrupt my tightly (but lovingly!) controlled household.

I was wary of daycare at this point because of problems my oldest had in one of the highest rated local programs. In our area, day care centers often have high school students working (largely unsupervised) in the afternoons and we ended up with several care providers that were causing behavioral issues with him. They were teaching him rude and vulgar phrases and general punk behavior that unfortunately followed him into kindergarten. The care the twins got (at home, no less) was so much better than this. With local play groups and a weekly library program (for a modest fee) their daycare was more individualized, consistent, and thoughtful. It’s going to give them a huge advantage w hen they start school this fall.

It’s not a program for everyone. You have to know what you want out of it and actively pursue it. Even the best APs require careful vetting and then thoughtful training once they get here.

Momma Gadget April 21, 2014 at 3:01 pm

Great Post.

NoVA Twin Mom April 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm

I actually met an au pair before I knew all the details of the program. I attend a fairly conservative (but still mainstream) church full of people that largely migrated from one or two countries. One year, a young single woman started attending, and introduced herself as an au pair. It seemed like such a neat program, especially if a family got an au pair like her!

When I found out a few years later that I was pregnant, I loved the idea of an au pair. Once I found out it was twins – the cost comparison plus the fact that our daycare would be at home rather than in a center with what turned out to be preemies was a major bonus. Plus my husband and I had both been exchange students, so the idea of a caregiver from another country seemed ideal.

So explaining why we got an au pair was easy to the people who had already met the lovely young lady a few years ago.

At least one previous poster alluded to family questioning why we wouldn’t have a relative do child care instead. Very early in the process, we looked at bringing a relative of my husband’s over from his home country. As it turns out, the US Embassy in that country won’t issue visas for this type of work to citizens of that country due to the number of people that have overstayed similar visas. So the fact that we’d looked into it and it wouldn’t work placated them. In addition, I didn’t like the idea of having to “fire” a relative if it didn’t work out – it seemed like that would create a schism in the family forever.

HazyBee April 21, 2014 at 4:07 pm

What I tell everyone who asks – and EVERYONE does – is that as two full time working, commuting and work traveling parents we would like our two young kids to have as easy as possible of a life, given that we are gone the majority of the week. We don’t want our girls to be at a disadvantage because of our decision to be working parents. It is extremely important to us to have our kids nap in their own beds, be in their own home, not have to rush out of the house in the AM, go to the park/zoo/pool/play dates/museums vs. sit in a day care for 10 hours a day. We explain that to us, having an au pair is the next best thing to having mom and dad home all day. And we like it better than having a live out nanny because we have crazy work schedules and love the flexibility having a live-in au pair provides PLUS we think is is super cool to have the girls (and us) exposed to a new culture. This explanation seems to make sense to people and they usually say – that’s cool, it makes sense… where do I get one!

ChicagoMom May 1, 2014 at 2:39 pm

We will be welcoming our first Au Pair this month. I have had lots of people be curious and ask lots of questions, but no one has had bad things to say. If they do they keep it to themselves. Yes, we went with an Au Pair because it provides the flexibility and the customization we need. But equally important is that it brings a kind of adventure to our home and to our son that cannot be achieved otherwise. With an only child, I think he will benefit tremendously from the cultural exchange. And we hope that he will become more aware of the world around him and more accepting and adaptable to other people and places as a result.

We have selected an Au Pair we feel will bring fun into our home. Someone with passion and enthusiasm and the desire to make a difference in the life of a child. Ultimately I expect this to be a learning experience for the whole family. One that will inspire us all to be better people both as individuals and as a family unit. So I recommend you say that your have selected an Au Pair as the best way to provide cultural growth and development for your child and your whole family. No one can argue with that!

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