Effective Ways to Socialize with Your Au Pair?

by cv harquail on May 21, 2018

When parents welcome an au pair into their home, it’s important for everyone to get to know each other.

A few conversations around the dinner table and an occasional one-on-one trip to Starbucks were the ways that my DH and I made time to get to know our au pairs. I don’t know if we ever took our au pair out to dinner, just the three of us, as the host mom (below) is contemplating.

For me, the idea of ‘going out to dinner on a Saturday night’ is something that feels more like a parent thing. (Unless it was for a birthday or a special au pair event celebration…) It’s not unfriendly to want to preserve your Saturday nights for date nights or for just some parent fun.

Sometimes we need to be “off duty” too.

I appreciate the impulse behind the host dad’s suggestion, but I think there might be better ways for the parents and the au pair to connect.

What do you think?

Dear Au Pair Moms —

We are currently hosting our first au pair and so far we are off to a great start. My husband and I just had a “disagreement” regarding taking our au pair out. We have 3 young children (4 month old twins and a 3 year old).

My husband wants us to take our au pair out to dinner (just the adults) on a Saturday night. I am exhausted (I have 4 month old twins that barely sleep) and would prefer to go to bed than go out to dinner or in the rare case that I am feeling up to going out, go out with friends or just my husband.

Do you think I am be unreasonable or unfriendly to our au pair? I of course want her to feel welcome in our home (and we have done lots of things together during the day) and get to know her better, but I really don’t want to give up sleep to take her out to dinner. Appreciate another perspective.

Thanks, very tired Host Mom of Twins Plus One

{ 29 comments }

American Host Mom in Europe May 22, 2018 at 5:22 am

If your husband had a new employee at work, would he take them out on a Saturday night?

Yes, this is someone living in your home, so of course it is different – but it is an employee. What we do (and have done for most of the 9 years we’ve hosted) is take our au pair out – with the kids – for lunch or brunch, either their first or second weekend with us. We normally have our au pairs overlap for transition, so we take both of them and see it as a goodbye / welcome family outing. I’ve experienced that when you start a new office job, the “team” will often go out for lunch together to welcome you, and I’d equate this as the same.

We also take our au pair out for dinner (or a similar nice meal out) for her birthday – again, with the kids – and other than family outings that she’s included for (e.g., Easter brunch out, family trips to a museum and for pizza, etc.), those are usually the only times. Sometimes I’ve had lunch out with an au pair if, for example, we’ve been out shopping together or something. Or in their first weeks, when we’ve driven into town to familiarise her with places, we’ll stop for lunch.

I also have twins + 1 more, one year older, so when mine were young, I don’t even remember if we did all of this — like the OP says, it was all I could do to cope with managing at home. Maybe a compromise, if your husband feels strongly – order a nice take-out dinner to have at home one evening after the kids have all gone to sleep?

NoVA Twin Mom May 22, 2018 at 7:12 am

I can’t imagine the logistics of taking the au pair out to dinner – adults only – and figuring out what to do with the kids while I was gone when my twins were four months old, never mind if there was another kid too. I too wanted to collapse at the end of the day.

I do think that bonding is important with a new au pair, I just don’t think it needs to be done while going out to dinner. I like American Host Mom in Europe’s idea of getting takeout during a less stressful time at home (my kids rarely slept at the same time). Or, if you can swing it, a family trip to Cheesecake Factory or something. Honestly, I spend very little one-on-one time with my au pair without the kids, particularly outside the house – and we just matched with our 10th au pair so we must be doing something right :)

So yes, bonding is important, but it doesn’t have to be done outside the house or without the kids.

TexasHM/CCAP LCC May 22, 2018 at 8:28 am

NoVA I just realized you said Cheesecake Factory too! LOL

TexasHM/CCAP LCC May 22, 2018 at 8:27 am

You don’t specifically mention why he wants to take the au pair out. You mention wanting her to feel welcome and that it’s your first au pair and you’re off to a great start so is he wanting to bond as suggested above or is he wanting to reward her for a great start or does he consider taking her out to dinner as part of what one would do to welcome a new au pair as American Host Mom covers above?

If he’s wanting to bond I agree there are just as good or better ways to bond at home without the stress of getting a sitter for all the littles and dragging you out. Many families watch a specific tv show with their au pairs (I tend to laugh with mine over the Bachelor shenanigans) or watch a movie at home or play games or include them in family activities. Just asking a question about their country/culture shows you are interested/you care or explaining something about American culture to her.

If it’s a reward then I would recommend rewarding her another way. With three littles she needs to get out and especially if she’s new it needs to be with other au pairs/new friends so I’d instead give her perhaps a Starbucks gift card or restaurant gift card (God bless the Cheesecake Factory obsession) and tell her to treat a friend on you! Other simple less expensive things can be noticing her favorite treats and getting that (for mine it’s been chocolate, Cheetos, real sugar Coke, bundt cakes etc). Other rewards could be an unexpected day or night off or early quit (only if that’s doable for you), groupons to local services or events (haircuts, mani/pedi, massage, concerts, local sites etc).

If he thinks it is the proper welcome and expected as American Host Mom covers it’s not. We too do a goodbye/welcome dinner out but we also eat out regularly and more than we should do it’s not a change in our routine and we did not do that with our first au pair when ours were all littles. Her response covers the bases on that scenario.

If he’s got the energy to want to take the au pair out maybe he needs more night feeding/diaper duties. :). If my husband had suggested this I would have told him go ahead! You take her out on a Saturday night and that would have killed that discussion. :)

Chicago Host Mom May 22, 2018 at 8:31 am

We have never gone out with only our au pair in 11 years of au pairs. Frankly I think they might have felt more awkward than we would in that situation and I do not think it is necessary at all. We always have a family outing in the city to welcome our au pair give her the lay of the land (as a family) and we go to a baseball game or museum or something as a family too. Au pairs will really appreciate you just asking them how their day was, how their family is doing, what they want to know or need help with, and you learning about their country. With all you have on your hands, I’d suggest dinner “in” as a family with a menu from her home country that you can all contribute to making in some way.

CT Host Mom May 22, 2018 at 11:27 am

We generally take our au pair out ‘as a family’ either the day of or the day after their arrival (depending on how wiped they are). Other than that, I agree, ‘bonding’ time usually happens for us during family dinners or outings. We are unusual in that we have dinner together almost every night, but Friday and Saturday nights are our couple or family nights, not time for bonding. And agree on showing appreciation with small tokens – Starbucks gift cards, allowing them to rent favorite movies on your streaming account, special grocery store treats, and as always Cheesecake Factory gift cards (no, lovely au pair, I do not want to go to the Cheesecake factory with many other local options in town, but you enjoy!).

NewPAAPMom May 22, 2018 at 12:34 pm

Hi, I am new here. I have been reading posts on this blog regularly since December when our nanny gave notice and we were scrambling for childcare. I am so happy we ended up with the au pair program and grateful for the insight offered on this blog! We have been hosting for just 4 months, but so far so good!

I will admit it can be difficult to talk to and bond with an au pair over a meal with kids involved. I say this as we were trying to have a conversation last night with our au pair about his weekend in Philadelphia, my four year old was making silly noises and my 7 year old started talking about butterflies (or maybe it was the other way around). So I can see your husband’s point about a more intimate adult conversation being in order without the littles interrupting!

We have had many conversations as grown ups just lingering at the dinner table after we have sent the children outside to play and on weekends during naps. I really enjoy having another adult to talk to and we have learned a lot about his family and his country and we have shared about ours. We also just make small talk! I don’t think a dinner out is necessary for getting to know each other and it will come naturally with time.

I will also say I once went out to dinner with my bosses as a reward for a job well done. It was a nice gesture, but it was just me and the two owners of our company. It was awkward and I had to feel appreciative. I would have preferred a nice cash bonus. It isn’t really a position I would want to put a new au pair in. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on her.

txmom May 22, 2018 at 2:57 pm

Our kids are a bit older, so we go out to eat frequently, and always invite our AP. We have never done dinner just the three of us (and we have a fantastic relationship with our AP and socialize with her a lot). We have done lunch with her when the kids are in school and my husband and I are both off of work on a week day. We also once double dated with her and her BF to an NBA game and dinner. I really like TexasHM’s idea of watching a TV show with her regularly. That’s both good for her English and good for bonding. I think with three little ones, it’s also good for the three of you to hang out a bit without the kids so you’re more relaxed. It definitely doesn’t need to be at dinner though – it could be in front of the TV or a late night grown-up dinner at home.

Something Clever May 22, 2018 at 4:09 pm

I’ve had 8 APs in ten years, and so I’m not a novice at being a HP. This idea seems weird in a boundary-blurring way, and I am wondering if the LW’s husband might have a little crush on the AP. It just seems like a three-way date. Then there is the matter of logistics. Nope.

DMMom May 22, 2018 at 5:02 pm

We always invite the Au Pair with to family activities, dinners and meals out, but never have asked her out adults only.

There have been times when the Au Pair and I have had the children out for a weekend without my husband. It does seem a little like a girls weekend, but we still have the children with us.

I think helping her find stress relieving activities and friends for her free time would be much more helpful.

NYCNJHostMom May 22, 2018 at 8:49 pm

When was the last time you and your husband had a date night? I wonder if this is more about you and him going out, and him using the AP and your “duty” as the driving force. Did you explain to him that you would prefer a date night just with him?

I’m a fellow first time host mom and I wouldn’t think to invite our AP out in a Saturday night. That time is sacred, especially if it’s me and my husband.

Also, I disagree with the suggestion that your husband may have a “crush” on the AP and I hope you do not let that get into your head 4 months PP. I feel like if a HD felt he had some sort of “crush” he would actually put more effort into avoiding the AP rather than try to spend time with her with his wife (hawkward!) on a Saturday night.

TexasHM/CCAP LCC May 23, 2018 at 6:00 pm

I 1000% agree. I thought the HD crush comment not only ridiculous but way out of line and completely insensitive to both a new HM that might actually think that’s a normal thing to worry about (it’s not) and an exhausted baby mom in general. OP I pray you skim right over that comment, complete noise!

Reluctant Grownup May 24, 2018 at 3:57 pm

I second, third and fourth this comment, Teaxas HM. This is not a thing you need to worry about.

Reluctant Grownup May 24, 2018 at 4:06 pm

I think that the more secure and communicative your relationship with your husband, the better hosting will go. There’s a range of formal to family, and finding your niche is hard enough as a host mom. Slow clap to the host dads who manage this, plus being the opposite gender. It’s a challenge.

Something Clever May 27, 2018 at 9:26 pm

NYCNJ – you are entitled to your opinion. I had an Au pair ask me what to do when her HD had her trapped in the bathroom because he was so sexually aggressive with her.

I hope I’m wrong in this situation, but I take issue with you calling my remark out of line.

NYCNJHostMom May 28, 2018 at 8:18 pm

That’s not a “crush; that’s sexual assault.

NYCNJHostMom May 28, 2018 at 8:53 pm

Also, I did not call your remark “out of line”. Being 7m PP myself I can empathise with a woman who is 4m PP and dealing with twins, and I was merely hoping that she does not also worry herself with her husband potentially having a crush on the AP based on his inquiry about dinner. I can’t imagine battling those thoughts while also dealing with potential sleep issues, self image issues, and trying to find even a moment for yourself to be alone or alone with your husband. Now, if her husband was doing something else, or the AP reported discomfort or a situation like you refer to above, totally different story. I just can’t imagine giving this woman something else to worry about when her husband really could just be trying to be welcoming or have completely innocent, if perhaps misguided, intentions.

Should be working May 23, 2018 at 1:35 am

Let me caution the OP about remembering to “manage” your new AP. Many first-time HMs (me too) make the mistake of trying to be friends with the AP off the bat. Let friendship come on its own timeclock, your job is to pleasantly and warmly orient your AP to her duties and to life with your family. It is MUCH easier to start off with a pleasant, but not too close, relationship, and then over time develop a close relationship, instead of starting off close and then getting uncomfortable when there is a time you need to correct something about her work.

momo4 May 23, 2018 at 12:58 pm

This!!!
11 years hosting and this is probably one of the most important pieces of advice I would give a new host parent.

I tend heavily toward the informal friendly type of relationship with my APs, and my current AP and I go out for lunch while the kids are at school and have a super laid back relationship. BUT… he has been with our family for almost 2 years at this point, and has proven beyond a doubt that he can competently take care of all his responsibilities without reminders, is 100% reliable, and truly part of the family.

It takes time for a new AP to learn their job and become part of the family, and it is quite common that you will find yourself needing to remind them of certain responsibilities, correct how they are doing things, and generally provide feedback that is not always positive or easy to give. The more informal and chummy your relationship with them is, the harder it can be to do this.

As far as taking them out to dinner just adults? We’ve never done that with a new AP, and lord knows back when my kids were infants I would never have had the energy. At that point my husband and I rarely managed to go out for dinner ourselves given our full time work schedules and back up babysitting was not easy to come by.

Include the AP in family outings, invite them along even if they are not working (make sure they know they are not obligated to come, but are welcome to if they choose) and generally show an interest in them as human beings. Invite your new AP to come along even for mundane outings (the vast size of Costco can be quite astounding and is part of our culture that may be entirely foreign to them) and generally let them know that you are happy to include them in your family life.

I also agree that they may appreciate time to go out with friends, so getting them tickets so they can take a friend out to the movies or giving them gift cards can also be nice gestures but there is time for this later on. Remember that everything you do in the beginning is setting a precedent and they may very quickly go from seeing something as a special gesture/gift to an entitlement.

Always make your AP feel welcome and include them in your family life, but be careful not to over invest yourself emotionally in your new AP. give the relationship time to develop. I have seen far too many HP bending themselves into pretzels trying to make their new AP happy only to then feel overwhelmingly let down (and resentful) if things don’t work out with the AP.

DCmom May 23, 2018 at 11:12 am

Nope. No. Hell no.

Being a “part of the family” means that she gets to come when EVERYONE is going out to dinner (which means kids too). It does not require “adults only” time.

Seriously, if my husband said that, I would look at him like he was doing something wrong and then say something stupid as a 4 month postpartum hormonal mom like “are you attracted to her? no? then never bring up going out to dinner with her again for ‘adult’ time.”

Mimi May 23, 2018 at 5:22 pm

This was a suggestion my husband had with AP1 and it stemmed from him trying to find ways to relate to her in a social way, in a safe way, as adults. He was feeling very insecure about how to relate to a 19 y/o young woman and unsure about how to make her feel welcomed. He eventually found his groove, although I’ve always managed the more personal side of socializing with the APs.

SBW is right on target about managing your AP early on. Establishing expectations and boundaries is important in the beginning and makes for a more stable relationship in the long run. It is important to make and AP feel included but help her to develop independence so that you can have family time which can be hard in a busy family with small kids.

2 kids and a cat May 23, 2018 at 7:33 pm

We had an LCC suggest that I take AP out for lunch once a month – a completely ridiculous idea. I had a new job and was expecting our third baby. When was I supposed to do this? Likewise on the AP dinner date. If I had had extra energy for a Saturday dinner with a 4mo old (never mind twins!) I would go out with DH or my BFF.
(DH sometimes works from home and once in a while he’ll take AP out to breakfast or lunch if she’s not working and is around. I’m grateful he does this – my job is pretty demanding right now and I’m exhausted and not super sociable on weeknights, so it helps balance that out). As to socializing the AP, she gets to do family things on weekends, normal dinners, and holidays. That’s enough. If he’s concerned she’s not going out, you can ask your LCC to have another AP invite her out, or make a few suggestions about the gym, craft classes, or similar.

ChicagoAttyHM May 24, 2018 at 5:21 pm

We have taken an au pair out to dinner without the kids, BUT there are several differences.

One, our kids are school age.
Two, this was some 6 months into the year once we already had a good connection.
Three, it was for a local dinner theater event that we parents really wanted to attend and also thought she’d enjoy. She knew it was out of the ordinary, not something she should expect.

I would not, with a baby and tired as can be, drag my butt out to dinner with a brand new AP to bond.

Reluctant Grownup May 24, 2018 at 5:59 pm

Getting takeout or cooking together, over wine & chatting, became a Friday night tradition in our household. You could try this once babies are in bed to have a calm chat with your new au pair. Again, with older children this is easier/ quieter. But you’re giving up less sleep than going out, plus not arranging other childcare.

HappyHM May 29, 2018 at 3:54 pm

I’m not going to add anything much that hasn’t already been said. I think your hubby is trying to (at worst) be the “cool” host dad or (at best) show your AP that you think of her more of an “equal” for you and he, rather than another “kid” in your house.

Either way–or wherever on that spectrum–I don’t think anyone would enjoy that occasion, and you’re better off showing appreciation in other ways, such as a giftcard or Groupon (especially nice to do is a tour of your city for her and a friend or a tour of a city she is visiting–I got my last AP a boat tour when she visited Pittsburgh (by herself!), and she was very appreciative and had a nice time). Find out more about her as you have time and try to surprise her with something personal if and when you can/want to/feel like rewarding her.

I have once or twice done things with APs without kids. We typically use one of our theater subscription performances as a way to treat the AP. Usually I take her, but once my hubby took our AP (in her 2nd year with us, so we were well-established by that point, and it’s a matinee, so it definitely wasn’t weird).

Once I took my AP and her friend to an outlet mall (our APs don’t drive, as we live in the city), and getting to the outlet mall is time-consuming via public transit. I didn’t hang out with them once they were at the mall, actually. I met up with them at an appointed time, so it wasn’t really a bonding moment other than the drive there lol.

This is all to say, most AP/family bonding is done as a family, rather than “adults-only,” although about once a year, we have done something without kids.

Help her meet other APs by facilitating her attendance of cluster meetings or introducing her to friends with APs or nannies, but let her develop her own social life, and everyone will be happier for it! :)

HappyHM May 29, 2018 at 3:58 pm

Oh, we’re a big “family dinner household” so almost all of our APs eat with us M-Thursday, so we get plenty of family time that way. Our kids are little, so it is a bit crazy, but I make very clear up front that we do family dinner (mostly for financial reasons, but also because I love cooking and want to instill “family dinner” in my kids), and that while APs aren’t “required” to eat with us, we generally assume they will eat with us during the week. If we didn’t do this, I might be more inclined to do another type of “bonding activity” with our AP (like TV watching, etc.), but we are generally good with connecting for a few minutes at the end of the day. :)

Loyalfollowinghostmom June 4, 2018 at 10:34 pm

This is a suggestion for a different situation, but may be helpful to someone out there. We had an au pair who just grated on my and my husband’s nerves, but she was great with the kids, kept the house tidy, was a good driver, didn’t party (or really leave the house which was part of the reason she was so annoying to us). I really struggled to figure out a way to socialize with her, but not really “be” with her-she got on my nerves SO MUCH. So I signed her and I up for some yoga and fitness classes so we could share an experience (OUT of the house) but not necessarily socialize. We would also go to the movies together, mostly with the kids, but again in the dark with kids in between. It seemed to make it a bit less uncomfortable to be around her and got her out of the house/off the couch and her laptop a few times a week. Whew! What a relief when she went home after a year of just feeling awkward in my own home. Our new au pair has lightened the mood in the house TREMENDOUSLY. Not sure if we should have rematched over the feeling of just being “off,” but I’m sure glad she’s gone!

Gabriela June 7, 2018 at 11:06 am

This truly depends on the family. My current host family looks at the program as an exchange program not as a “work program”. I would say that my host family is one of those few host families who see me as a part of the family and not as n employee. Almost nobody sees this as an exchange program and An opportunity to be with someone from another country and learn about them. Everybody looks at this program as a cheap childcare provider (of almost everybody).

My host family has left the kids with a baby sitter to hang out with me. My host mom has taken me to a dinner theater while the kids were with another babysitter. They have showed me everything about American culture and take me to great places (with the kids or without the kids). It is not just going to “McDonald’s or Apple bee” , it has been more than that. I have went to places with my kids and my family of course more times than with my host parents alone but I have had both experiences. Going to chuck and cheese is not the best way to connect with an Au pair. That’s great for the kids and that’s it. The thing I have noticed is that host families will talk about the “sharing time with au Pair and make her a part of the family” just to make her work more because when they all go out the au Pair ends up taking care of the kids because otherwise “why did she come?” Or they will make her clean the full house because “she is a party of the family”. That sucks.

I am glad I have the family I have. I am glad that even with their busy lives (my host dad is a doctor) they always found a time to help me, take me to places, cheer me up and make me a part of their family. Because I am like a sister for my oldest kid and I am a true friend of my host mom. I was never an “employee” and I hate when people say this. Would you bring someone from another country, Pay a lot of money and make her live in your house so she an be your employee? We are more than that! We are not just a regular employee who walks to your office. We rely on you and as host families, sometimes you are all that we have.

Gabriela June 7, 2018 at 11:11 am

Yes. I support the host dad. I went to ice fishing with my host dad and my best friend while my host mom was watching the kids ON HER OWN. He wanted to take me and I learned something new and Exciting! My host mom supported that idea.
I think my family and I just have a way different point of view that almost all host families. I am blessed I found Them! I wish more au pairs had families like mine

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