Searching through the racks of Mother’s Day cards looking for something just right for my step-mom and mother-in-law, I noticed just how many Mother’s Day cards there are these days for people who aren’t mothers:
“You’re like a Mother to Me”
“To a special person on Mother’s Day”
“Celebrating you for all you do”
It made me wonder– how many host families get a card for their Au Pair on Mother’s Day?
In some ways, celebrating your chidcare provider on Mother’s Day is a bit offensive inappropriate. After all, a childcare provider isn’t a mother. Suggesting that s/he is in some way like a mother simultaneously demeans the role of the actual mother and demeans the role of the childcare provider.
Your childcare provider cares for your children in her or his own special way, without needing to be some kind of “mother substitute”.
Moreover, a Mother’s Day card for a childcare provider seems especially odd when that person is a man. It’s easier to presume that childcare is “like mothering” since it’s usually done by women. But that leaves out the loving care that Mannies offer.
Not to mention — a childcare provider isn’t a father substitute either. On Mother’s Day, we don’t celebrate fathers who are actively involved in childcare and ‘helping the mom out’, do we? So what does it say about how we think of ‘mothering’, if we’re offered cards for females who are not moms, but not for men who are not moms and dads who are not moms, yet who contribute to children’s physical and emotional care? But I digress…
On the other hand, though, it’s not like we have a Childcare Provider Day, Nanny Day, or Au Pair Day, when we all collectively celebrate the ways in which au pairs lovingly care for our children and contribute to their lives.
And with cards available to celebrate those “special people” on Mother’s Day, maybe we should just give in and use the day to be generous in our appreciation?
(Hello Hallmark? There’s an opportunity there.)
So let’s hear it Host Moms and Dads.
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{ 40 comments }
i got a card and flowers last year. i did not expect anything, but afterwards i thought, why not? i mean well ok, we are not a ” mother” but we spend a LOT of time with your children so yeah i thought it was very sweet, and i felt apreciated! ( and in the end, we do all the things a mom does, like laundry, cooking,cleaning, playing, parenting etc. and isn’t mothers day about how much we apreciate what our moms do for us?
this week is teacher appreciation week … that could be a good occasion to celebrate the AuPair. Interestingly enough today is Provider Appreciation day (if you are looking for such a thing – I just googled it). So I guess if you want to appreciate your AuPair at a special day today is the day (nice timing of the post).
I try to do nice things for my au pair around the year – not just on holidays/birthdays. Recently, my au pair did me a little favor that saved me minutes in my morning rush. I bought her a small token in return. Over the years, au pairs in my house who have gone the extra mile have received: $10 phone cards (no longer seem to be needed now that Skype exists), favorite foods, books, gift cards, flowers, and hugs. And of course, toward the end of their year, they get that big empty box. What says I love you and respect you more than a big box sent via airmail home?
You know, I do a lot for my au pair, and usually I’m quite happy to blur the lines between mommy and au pair. My kids tend to call her mom and me by her name sometimes, and that’s cool with me. But Mother’s Day is the one day I reserve for me. The day when I get recognition for all the sleepless nights, hours and hours of unclocked time, and being there when no one else is.
Why on earth would any family celebrate their Au pair on MOTHER’S Day? Back when I was an AP I made cards with the kids for their mom for that special day. If I had received a gift or something like that on that day I would have been very confused.
@aupair
There is a big difference in what a mother does for her family and the responsibility of an Au pair. Au Pair’s don’t do the parenting, they are hired to take care of the children, but the parenting stays with the parents. You do not have the right to choose what style of parenting to use when it comes to raising their kids, what school to visit…
I understand why you would say that, but believe me, you can not compare mom duties with the Au Pair work :).
I totally agree with both AuPair2005 and JJ Host Mom. Why do we have to share everything with the au pair. This is one day that is reserved to appreciate all the sacrifice made as a mother. I feel like I am a mother to my au pair so shouldn’t the au pair send us a card on mother’s day (okay, I know that I am going too far expecting anything from the au pair). I have to say that my life did not get easier getting an au pair instead of a nanny – in fact it actually became a lot more work for me and I don’t get any appreciation from my au pair for all the extra things I do for her.
I would have felt really uncomfortable if my HF had given me something on Mother’s Day. This day is for MOTHERS! It’s a day to remind us of what our mothers do and have done for us and show them that we recognize it and are thankful. Sure, we should do that every day, but with everything that’s going on, one tends to take a mother’s work for granted. That’s why we need Mother’s Day! I think it’s way more appropriate for the AuPair to give the HM a card than the other way around. You can still give your AuPair a thank-you-card on another occasion :)
As to why there even exist cards like that, I would say it’s just people wanting to make more money out of Mother’s Day -.-
I’m in the same line as JJ Host Mom and the rest. I make an effort to recognize extra effort with a special something (extra time off at the end of a hard day, a special treat just for her, etc). Mother’s Day is mine, mine and all mine (sorry, child-tantrum for a moment).
Really, I have no objection to an Au Pair Appreciation Day showing up on our family calendar, and it might even be a nice idea for those APs whose familes don’t do the extra little thank yous during the year (give the HFs that reminder).
The reality is that while APs are important in our children’s lives, they are not the same as a mother. We can start with: they get time off. Really OFF! I’m a mom 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. I’m the one who comes home from work at 4:30am and instantly handles a kid who woke sick and crying. I’m the one who is there to hold a hand when our flame-out AP left abruptly and our toddler began acting out and having nightmares. I’m the one scrubbing someone’s favorite dress after she dropped a black marker on it. Sorry, and as much as I love (most of) our APs, I’m not willing to share this one day.
aupair2005: i am sorry for the missunderstanding:) i totally agree with you that mothersday is about mothers, but what i don’t agree with you is about the parenting. i don’t know how it was is your hostfamily, but i’ve been taking care of these kids almost 2 years. i was the one who had to tell my hostparents that i think hostkid should change school because he is absolutly unhappy. i had to go to school with him and sit in class to see what could be wrong there etc. he switched school afterwards and is totally happy now! i think that some au pairs do see it like just a job for a year. but i got in to that so deep i would
not say i’m not parenting. i am home when they are sick, have a bad day at school, etc. i think if au pairs take their job serious we do a lot of the stuff what a mother does too.but still its mothersday, and i didn’t expect anything at all from them. i also made presents and cards for their mom. same this year. so again, i agree, mothersday should be for moms and just say thanks to your au pair during the year!;) happy mothersday moms!
aupair,
It is great that you recognized that your host-child was unhappy in school and that you went there with him to help him out.
Of course you were there when he was sick or wasn’t feeling well. That is part of being an Au Pair.
You seem like a great Au Pair.
But whatever you did during those two years, you did not take over the mom’s role and were the one in charge.
Parenting does not only mean to be there for the child and care for him/her. It includes a lot more. Parenting means, amongst other things, to make important decisions regarding the child’s life.
That starts with breastfeeding, sleep training, childcare, baby classes, choices of friends, private school vs public school, medical decisions, the list goes on and on.
You are the one executing on behave of the parents.
I have stayed with my host family for two years. Since then I work as a Nanny. I know what it means to be involved in a child’s life and be the one who is comforting her, being there when the baby takes the first steps, says the first word. When she is upset, throws a tantrum. I am there.
Parenting includes the word parent. In order to “parent” you have to be a parent. From my point of view as a professional, I always use the word raising. I raised the children I nannied for.
I can ensure you, no parent wants to hear the Au Pair say, that she parents the host children.
you are right about the thing that we au pairs don’t/ can’t do the thing what the mom does. of course not, we are not the mom:) but i think every hostfamily is different with their point of view about the ” parenting” for example, two weeks ago, there was a parent apreciations day at my hostchilds school. i asumed that my hostparents go there and i stay home with the 2 year old. but she said, no, you should come too,you are like a parent, grandma is taking care of toddler. so like i said, some families do see us as “part of the parenting” iwould say maybe a parent assistant would be a great word;)
I do celebrate my APs on Mother’s Day! We go out to breakfast as an extended family and there are always cards for me (mom), both grandmas, great-grandma and our AP. She gets a card from hubby and I as well as one from each of the kids. We also got her a gift card to Target and a “free coupon” for shipping one free box back home to Germany!
Sorry…while I love my AP’s they are not mothers…certainly not until they have children of their own. Nor are they like mothers to my child…Older sister maybe but definitely not a mother. And the last time I checked they were paid to do this job…it isnt out of the goodness of their heart or their overwhelming love of my child…cause trust me – if they werent getting paid and free room and board how many of them would still be there ??? If I sound bitter I am not. Like I said I love my AP’s and take care of them thru the year with extra things and that is one of my ways of showing my appreciation. I think to celebrate them on mothers day is a little ridiculous. If anything we are like mothers to them…Isnt that why we are called Host Mom’s ? AND they are our Au Pairs not Au Pair moms ! I don’t even like blurring those lines as I deem it inappropriate. To all Host Mom’s Have a great Mothers Day…To all Au Pairs…tell you Host Mom how much she is appreciated – this is the day for it and then Host Mom’s tell your AP’s how their help actually helps you be a better mom for your children as they help keep us sane with all we have to do !!
I try to show my appreciation through a facebook message that recognizes each of my au pairs for what she did to help me to be a working mom to 3 kids. Each year, the girls all seem touched by it, but that’s all they get! After all, this day really is about mom. This year’s looks something like this: (names deleted) And yes, I’ve had au pairs for a long time now, so the list is kind of long, but it includes all of them.
On Mother’s Day, I think it is important to recognize all of the women in my life who have helped me to be a working mom to my 3 kids. For the big and small things that you’ve done, I am very grateful and impressed by your dedication and love for my boys. So, thanks to [nanny # 1] for your amazing ability to feed and put 2 kids to sleep at once; to [ap # 1]. for rocking baby [] to sleep so many nights; to [ap # 2] for fishing []’s toy out of a toilet in an airport in Florida:); to [ap # 3] for making a special homemade pinata for []’s birthday; to [ap # 4]for jumping into a pool with your clothes on to get [kid#3]; to [ap # 5] for many, many games of dominos and cards; and to my own mom …. for taking care of my kids while I went to Asia for 2 weeks this past fall. I will be thinking of each of you this Mother’s Day. Thank you for all that you’ve done for us!
on my opinion, I think that the whole this topic is little bit harsh for au pairs..
I don’t expect and don’t want anything on this day, because I’m not mom to those kids, even I love them so much.
I don’t pick the school, the clothes, friends for them, but even though you are parent, I raise them. I teach them to go to potty, to eat vegetables, to wash their hands, to be nice and say bless you.
of course I would feel uncomfortable and misplaced if on this day I get a card or something, but the fact is your few months old baby, or 6y old or even teen, sees me more then you during the day. and one nice ‘thank you, I appreciate you because you are here for me and my family’ is always nice to hear.
In this topic and some comments it seems like we are here as a workers and this is it. we do work, we are not family…but aupairs love your kids, live and play with them all day long, so if in the end of the day you feel like this is ‘just Au pair work’, she will act the same..and your children will feel the difference..
I don’t want to insult and I’m not saying that au pair should receive any kind of gift, card etc on this day.. but the whole this topic for me, as an au pair who adores my HF and my kids, points out that for you, moms, we are just nothing and we should shut and be happy, because after all, we have free room and we got paid.
I’m the happiest person in the world in this moment and I’m thankful for all things I got, but after I read all this comments I just feel awful.
Happy Mother’s day to all moms!
We love our Au Pairs like family, no question. I doubt that any parents are looking for unattached, low-cost “employees” to take care of their children. In the comments above, I don’t see anything even approaching “shut up and be happy because you get paid”… I urge you to read the comments again if you got that message. I see a lot of recognition, appreciation and ways to make our Au Pairs feel special, just not necessarily particularly so on Mother’s Day.
There is no doubt that our kids will be happier, better adjusted people because of the years we shared our lives with Au Pairs.
At the end of the day, my boys only have one Mother, and that is an important, special thing whether I’m a stay at home mom or working outside the home. In 15 years, Didis, you will have more perspective. You will understand that it is not appropriate to be offended because your Host Mom receives more appreciation than you on Mother’s Day.
I’d like to address the issue of “sees me more than you,” which has been raised not only here, but elsewhere. It may be true, especially for AP caring for preschoolers that they feel that the spend more waking hours with their charges than the parents do, but personally, I believe once an AP starts to engage in a “me more than you” dialogue then both sides lose.
Didis, I’m sure you are a great au pair and take your job seriously. I realize that a minority of APs working in the United States have a stay-at-home-HM who does not work for money from the house (e.g. she doesn’t not retreat to an office in the home to earn an income). For the majority of APs, your work makes it possible for the HM to work outside the home.
Most HMs feel torn between their families and their careers. They need an AP who is supportive, loves their children, reports on their days, and does not engage in a “me more than you” dialogue. For mothers of infants and toddlers, the guilt is already strong enough. Please do not add to it.
Many of you APs are probably shocked by how many mothers work outside the home. There may be less societal pressures here than in other countries for us to stay home with young children, but equally, there may be stronger economic pressures for us to work: we must pay for college education, pensions, and do not receive the same maternity benefits.
Your HF brought you here as a 3rd adult in the home to support their lives, to make it easier for them to balance their own childcare with careers. I know that I absolutely rely on my APs’ good nature, maturity and hard work every day (after all I had free nursing to care for my special needs child but it wasn’t reliable at all – my family chooses to make a huge financial sacrifice because APs provide a better model of childcare for us). I try to remember to thank my APs frequently and to buy small tokens of my appreciation when they go the extra mile, but if any of them tried to say “me more than you” to my face, I would be hurt and angry.
Well said. I’m glad all my AP’s have never engaged in the “me more than you” argument. I have two small children, and I would love to be with them. But, when it comes down to it, American mothers do not have the same support as mothers in other countries. Maternity leave is woefully inadequate. Health care and pensions/retirement savings are tied to employment outside the home, and college educations are very expensive. What I envy most about the lives of my European friends is that their working lives are far more flexible than mine. They can work part time, from home, and they can even leave the workforce for periods because their healthcare, for example, isn’t employment dependent. My Austrian friend had two years of *paid* maternity leave with both of her children. I should have moved to Austria ages ago!
While what you say is true, having lived in two different European countries, I will tell you that it is harder for European women to be hired in the workplace into good jobs. In the interview process they are often asked about if they will leave and have children (which is illegal here). Those great benefits are expensive for employers (i.e. having an employee take off for a year and having to hire a temporary employee, etc.), so employers hire men instead. It depends on your career goals, but if you’re the hard charging type, you might have been frustrated over there at your inability to be hired because of blatent discrimination. I’m not saying it’s bad to have paid maternity leave — I would have loved it — but there are trade offs.
From what I have read, there is enormous pressure on European women not to work when their children are young (and if Luv Cheetos is correct, then that includes not hiring women). Do I think the US system is perfect? Absolutely not. However, I really love what I do. While I am often torn between work and home, I appreciate having an au pair because it gives me the flexiblity to do both better than I would with other models of childcare that are available to me.
Ha! I remember my first job in tech. I was only the 3rd woman hired in the dot com because the CEO knew we would go out on maternity leave (none of us did – the company wasn’t around long enough). So, it is also the case that women aren’t hired in the U.S. over maternity leave fears – it is just talked about far less. “Maternity leave profiling” may be against the spirit of equal opportunity hiring laws, but it isn’t exactly illegal (or at least not enforced), to not hire women for fear they may have a child. It happens all the time here.
In my field, you can’t leave for a year or two and then hop back into the workforce. But, geez, having part-time employment would have been perfect for me the past couple of years. Flexibility in employment, I believe, is key – along with healthcare and retirement that isn’t necessarily tied to employment.
I think that this is a touchy subject for Moms and Au Pairs. A mother isn’t always the person who birthed you and choose the things you would participate in life, it is the person who is there for you emotionally. As an adult the mother figure that you relate to most may not be your biological mother. She could be your grandmother, sister, teacher, foster mother, adoptive mother, and on and on.
As Didis said if you think an au pair is just a worker or an employee then that is what you will get. Someone who is only there for your kids while on duty. But since this is the person whom you are choosing to raise your children while you are working, I think they deserve more than just an employee title. No they are not biological Mom’s but they are mothering and raising your children. I realize that this might make some Mom’s feel uncomfortable, it ties into the working mom’s guilt.
I like the idea of everyone going out for breakfast or something and saying thank you to your au pairs. Thanks for mothering and raising my children like you will your own. Au pairs should also say thank you to HM’s for including her in the family and being a friend.
It is a touchy post and I think CV meant for it to be that way. Everyone will have different opinions but at the end of the day we are all here for the children.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I am grateful to my au pairs for all they do for my children and for us as a family; however I don’t think Mother’s Day is an appropriate time to celebrate them.
I know my au pair would feel awkward and uncomfortable if I included her in the Mother’s Day specifically. She has shared with me that she doesn’t feel ready to marry anytime soon, much less take on the responsibility of having children of her own. This would upset her and propel her thinking into prematurely being pushed into real adulthood. She is unmarried, from a conservative society/family, she is not ready to even pretend to be anything like a mother! She is a teacher, sure – she is a teacher in her homecountry.
I appreciate my au pair, but I find other days to show it.
So, yeah, this just happened to me. HD got AP a mother’s day card. I cried. (AP didn’t see me cry. She wasn’t awake yet – and never actually received the card.) I live and breath for my children and family. I am 100% present in my children’s lives. I felt very diminished.
I do lots of other things to show my appreciation for our AP (massages, show tickets, etc). This was supposed to be my day.
JBLV…I feel so bad for you. I can completely understand how you feel. This is our day and should not be shared with anyone. Mothers give of themselves selflessly 364 days a year and 24/7 and this is the one day we can say is ours. I agree with you and want to wish you a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY from one Host Mom to another !!
Thank you LIHM!
Didis – you should not feel bad at all. Maybe you have a different perception of what your roll is. You are not the MOM. You are a worker but also a member of the family. I have a GREAT relationship with my AP’s and today they both sent me messages wishing me a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY and saying I am a great mom and a wonderful Host Mom – a Host Mom any AP could only wish for and I feel the same. I don’t see them as JUST workers but there is a fine line as there is a job that needs to be done and they are hired originally for. It is the only way we can do what it is we need to do and be a better mom. I only hope you can feel this about your Host Mom…and that you wont be offended. The reality is that there is only one MOM to our children and that is us and not the AP – and no one is saying there is anything wrong with that – you shouldnt get confused by your position. You should be appreciated and if what you both want – be included as a member of the family…The title of Au Pair comes from the French term au pair, meaning “on a par” or “equal to”, indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a traditional domestic worker. It doesnt mean another mother…
I found it very interesting to see what a big of a deal Mother’s Day is in America… my Mom hates Mother’s Day and this artificial presentation of gratefulness on one specific day. My mom is way happier if i bring her some flowers any Day of the year as long as its not mother’s day and if I want to show my gratefulness I can hug and thank her anytime since she is there for me 24/7 and thats what I tried to teach my host kids as well. but hey I guess take what you can get and enjoy your day!
My AP loved her card when the boys gave it to her this morning! She cried and then hugged each of us and said how happy she was to have been a part of our family this year. Her time is up in 3 weeks.
It didn’t occur tome to get our AP a card because she is not a mother. And for the person above who suggested that some host kids spend more time with the AP than the mother, that is certainly not the case in our family as our kids are in school FT and the AP rarely works and is rarely around on the weekends. I bear no “working mother’s guilt.”
Our AP actually made me a card. It was beautiful and I was quite touched. I did not expect a card from her and thought it was a nice gesture.
A friend of mine received the nicest gift from her AP on Mother’s Day. This young lady wrote her host mom a letter thanking her for all of the big and small things she does throughout the year. She expressed her appreciation for the opportunity to spend a year in the US. Because her English is functional but limited, this young lady wrote the letter in her native language and had it translated. My friend cried when she read the letter. Ironic twist – her husband and kids were a little put out that she was so touched by the letter.
Her husband said ” Look , we know you’re wonderful – we just didn’t write it down ! ” LOL
We let our au pair know how special she is on her anniversary and on her birthday and on valentine’s day and on christmas and on easter and when she gets her license and when she gets great grades in a class and sometimes, just because.
But we don’t do it on Mother’s day, or Father’s day.
We gave our AP a card ‘from the dog’ because she showers the dog with love and care, which is not part of her job, and so it was a sweet way to just acknowledge her a little. She was surprised to get it, had written me a lovely funny poem, and she’s anyway so fabulous that if she had wanted to share mother’s day I would have.
Absolutely we give our APs a little something. I don’t get fussed about Mother’s Day but my oldest is at the age where she gets it and wants to do nice things for me, so I reminded her this year to consider her AP too. The kids got me and her both flowers, and I gave her some Bath and Body Works stuff. But then I also get my (mom) friends Fathers Day cards when their husbands are deployed. I am not a very sentimental person and I don’t enjoy attention at all. AP is well and truly a second mom to the kids and when we’re both around, she is as much a caregiver as I am. She actually gave me a cute plant (a daisy) and a wonderful, very thoughtful card. I cried.
Do we work hard? Yes.
Do we love children we take care of? Yes.
Do we want them to be happy? Yes.
Do we do our bests while taking care of them? Yes.
Do we deserve some appreciation? Well, I think, that yes.
But Mother’s Day is for MOTHERS. And the one can only have one mother. And this day is so special because it’s all about moms, no one else. I wouldn’t feel comfortable receiving a card on Mother’s Day, because I am not a mother. I would rather give one to my Host Mom! :)
I’m responding to this a bit late. No, it never even occurred to me to get our au pair a card or other acknowledgement for Mother’s Day. We absolutely appreciate our au pair, view her as part of our family (in our best relationships, when our au pair also wanted to be a part of our familly), and show our appreciation for her in many other ways, as other posters have said. However, I would never think to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I think it would just be inappropriate, both on our end as host parents as hers as an au pair. I want her to be many things/roles to our children — teacher, big sister, friend, caregiver, nanny, babysitter…. but not a mother.
I disagree that it is inappropriate to give someone a card saying you appreciate them…on ANY day of the year! Our card said “Even though you aren’t our mother, we wanted to let you know how great we thing you are and how much we appreciate you today and everyday!”
I don’t think it’s necessary to give your AP a card on any day that you don’t feel comfortable doing so, but I think it’s a bit overzealous to call it “inappropriate” for those who want to do so.
Whaaat?? I wouldnt like it at all.
Yeah, I love my baby and I will miss him (as I decided to rematch for other problems) but I am not his mother, I don’t belong to the family forever and I’m getting paid for what I do, therefore, NO I’m not his mother and I shouldnt have the same value nor have a gift or card especially on Mother’s Day.
pss, I really, really love children, but, honestly Mums, if this wasnt my job I wouldnt wake up at six in the morning to play, trust me. Mums do that all the time, for free. We don’t (a few extra hours as a gesture it’s fine If we want to make your life easier, but again, it’s a gesture)
We enjoy our job(sadly most of us) but it’s still a job.
This month my baby started calling at me as mami, It’s been hard but now he switched back to say my name. He has got both mammy and nanny,
I’m the nanny don’t make me a mother this early.
wooow this has never crossed my mind before !!! I’m an au pair and would never expect to get a card on mother’s day as I’m NOT the mother lol
I gave a card to my host mom actually :) It said ‘mom in the million’ and I wrote ‘host’ before that aaw hhahaha she loved it and displayed it with other cards above tv :)
Yes, We have lot of fun on Mother’s day. But what are you planning for Black Friday and Christmas. We have only two months for these two famous and big occasions.
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