It’s usually a bunch of things, all tangled up in a knot, like when you put tights and long-sleeved T-shirts in the dryer.
Just as with a laundry knot, you can’t just pull on (or fix) one thing, and expect the all the little pieces to unlock, unkink, and fold themselves up into nice packets ready to go back in the drawer.
… So how do you decide where to begin? What problems to address first?
My working response is — start with the problem that has the clearest boundaries.
Usually, this would be the one where either the Host Family or the Au Pair was breaking or pushing the rules.
It’s easier to deal with “rule breaking” and its less black& while cousin, “rule-pushing” because we know what’s wrong and what’s right. Usually, the fix to this is for the Host Parents or the Au Pair to simply follow the rules.
If the Au Pair or the Host Parent doesn’t begin to follow the rules, you have grounds for a rematch.
If folks do begin to follow the rules, both parties have a “success” they can build on with the next problem or two.
This question of “where to begin” came up when I read the email, below, from an Au Pair in the southwest USA.
She’s got a bunch of problems — depression, homesickness, children who hit, parents who don’t seem to have her back, and on and on.
With emails like these, it’s really hard to know what kind of help to offer.
Assuming — and it’s a big assumption — but assuming that the Au Pair isn’t really just looking for permission to rematch, what appears to be true is that the host family has a lot of work to do before they can really host an au pair effectively.
The best way to begin is with the issues that are the most straightforward — AP program rules, family directions, and anything specific. Once you address these, it’s easier to go on to the issues that require more finesse. Issues like children’s behavior and discipline, Host Parent supporting the Au Pair’s authority, and the like are all easier to talk about when the Host Parents and Au Pair have a working relationship. (A relationship that follows the rules, shows basic reciprocal respect, etc.)
My personal default is to tell Au Pairs to make the effort to talk with their Host Parents to resolve problems.
In the best case, the conversations get people to revise their behavior, and the AP-HP relationship improves.
In the worst case, at least the Au Pair has challenged him or herself to try having a difficult conversation. This is something we all need to learn to do, so an Au Pair at least gets some life experience with this critical skill.
As you scan the concerns of Southwestern AP, what advice do you have for her? None of her problems are new to us, but oddly every combination feels unique…
Dear AuPairMom–
I’ve been an au pair in the Southwest USA for almost two months and I feel sad.
I was thinking about rematch because I feel really depressed.
When I came here to my new house everything was happiness.
(First Problem)
Until I saw the first bad thing:
One of the host kids hit another host kid in the chest. The host kid did that without any specific reason.
Then, the Host Parents told me that host kid 1 has ADHD. Also, they told me that host kid 2 also has ADHD. Of course, they NEVER mentioned this before I came here-I wish I knew that-.
Second problem:
The host kid 2 gives many problems to anyone; even to their parents. I saw her hitting her father. The parents are always fighting with herl
Host kid 2 always tells me to shut up, and “I don’t have to follow your orders. You are not the boss in this house. I am not listening to you. I am ignoring you”. The HP always say “oh. It is because of the ADHD”.
But! If they have told me she had this issue I wouldn’t have said yes and matched with this family.
Third problem:
They want me to clean all the dishes and messes they don’t want to clean.
I had my full free weekend and when I started to work on Monday, I saw they didn’t wash the dishes for the whole.weekend. I didn’t wash the dishes on Monday. The next day the HP told me”the cleaning lady is not coming, wash the dishes”.
I got really angry because they didn’t wash everything during the whole weekend for me to do it. It isn’t fair they are disorganized and they are not clean. They never wash the dishes and I know I have to help, and I always wash the dishes when I’m working. But..waiting for me to come home to do it? You don’t do that!
Fourth problem:
The car. They said they had 4 cars and they will offer me one. When I arrived at their home the HP told me that one of the cars is not good and I won’t be able to use it. Then, I was one month stuck in the house because they didn’t have the car insurance for me. I talked about and they fixed one month after (they just needed my personal information and that was it. They took so long and I don’t know why). Then, when I finally got the insurance, I drove one of the cars for 2 days. On the third day I noticed that the car I was using wasn’t outside. I asked the HM about it and she told me “oh. Use the black car, the HD took the car you drove”.
I just did it and then I realized THE CAR IS NOT WORKING. They left me a car that is not even working. Now it has been almost two months and I am still stuck in the house and they don’t care. I talked about it and they still don’t care.
I am sick of this situation and I know I have many things to offer. Should I ask for a rematch if things don’t change? Thank you
-Southwestern AP
{ 42 comments }
What is it with host families and/or agencies not disclosing that host kids have ADD or ADHD? While this has not happened to me I personally know of two girls in my cluster who were not told and also a friend who was an AP a few years back too. Maybe they think it makes them less desirable(?) but it would definitely not be a deal breaker for me, in fact I have experience with both disorders so I would only feel extremely hurt – lied to – and loose trust in my HF to be honest. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that that mere fact alone would really leave me highly unimpressed. HF’s I’m interested do you think this is something you should disclose or do you feel it’s within your rights to withhold that piece of information?
Back to OP’s dilemma…. I think maybe you need to discuss discipline tactics with your HF…before matching was this topic covered about how the discipline their children (I don’t mean violently!!!!) but with timeouts etc? I think it can be a sensitive subject to bring up as you need to support and abide by (even if you don’t agree) the rules that the HF follow or believe in for their kids.
In regards to the dish washing, I am assuming you did not eat with the host family for lunch or dinner that weekend? I may be the odd one out here but I feel that if you are eating the meals that’s the host parents have cooked then it is fair enough you do the dishes? If you are saying you ate out/we’re away that weekend/prepared your own things and cleaned up after doing so but that they left all of their dirty dishes in the sink for you to do on Monday then I feel they are taking advantage of you and as uncomfortable as it may be you need to discuss this with them by telling them you will do the children’s dishes whenever you are on duty, you will always do you own dishes and you are more than happy to help with dishes when you eat together as a family but other than that YOU ARE NOT THEIR CLEANING LADY. I would also mention this matter to your LCC.
On to the car situation and assuming you didn’t go gallivanting to the next state or have any car incidents in those two days of driving – I think that it is rather unfair. How are you getting to your monthly cluster meetings and is there good or decent public transport in your area?
Aside from the cleaning or car problems do you feel like you have bonded with the children? Do you feel attached to them and do you think you and them can have a great rest of your AP year together? If You really don’t feel equiped to deal with the ADHD and that it’s too much for you then I would honestly consider rematching on those grounds alone because not only are you miserable in your position but the host kids also deserve someone who will be able to care and manage them sufficiently (not saying you can’t but from what you have written it’s clear you find it a bit hard to handle?)
Honestly I think you need to sit down with your host parents and discuss everything you have discussed here. You need to explain how unhappy the situation makes you. If you can’t get through to them or have a rational conversation then I would involve the LCC. If you both can’t come to an agreed resolution then it’s time for rematch. Aside
First, thanks to AP mom for bringing out this topic for me.
1.yes, I talked about the topic of discipline. They told me they give them time out. They said they needed some who really could discipline the children and I was okay with that. Ofc I was never told of the big issues with the kids.
2. Totally agree. I wasn’t in the house during the full weekend, I stayed in another place. When I got home I saw the mess. Also, whenever I am in the house, I clean up everything I use and everything the kids use. If they use something and I am washing the dishes then I do it because it is not a lot when I am working and this is how I help my HF. Even after my half and a day free when they tell me to wash the dishes I do it(and I don’t eat at home when is my free day, I don’t usually do that) but 3 free days is a bigger mess.and that is why I got angry.
3. I haven’t had any cluster meeting, I am the only au pair in my city. The public transportation SUCKS and everything is far away from home so I can’t walk to any place. I didn’t have a big issue when I started to drive, I know here driving is REALLY different from my city but I didn’t have a car accident or anything like that. I even drive alone without any of my host parents around. The onlynthing that was a problem was the fact thay this is a REALLY BIG car and mine is really small, so when I have to go backwards it is a little difficult, but I say I just need to get to use to the car and driving in this city. I don’t need the state driver’s license and I still said that I wanted to have it so I can feel secure about how to drive here(I was even studying the drivers license state book)
4. I feel bounded with one of the girls, not really with the others. But I believe that even if I am bounded, I don’t think I am gonna have a great year here with them as I don’t feel capable of dealing with this situation. I think there should be an AP who knows more about these kind of kids, because I am not an expert. Kids with ADHD are different than other kids, I noticed that and I feel sad when I feel I am not helping them the way it should be. The worst part is that they are getting worst.
And yes, we already talked about it and we think is better rematch but we are not angry, we are really good. I am just sad and concerned because my agency is a small one and I may find it really hard to find a new host family in 2 weeks :(.. but I am gonna try.
Hi AP thanks for clarifying :)
It is a tough one but from what you are saying I think you would be happier with a different family. My suggestion would be to call a meeting with your LCC there to help mediate and mention the dishes, car and ADD issues. Depending on what comes from the conversation maybe see if you can all come to some kind of agreement (ie. the car will be getting fixed so that issue will be gone, we will pick up our own dishes from now on, we will back you up with the kids) otherwise I think it’s time for rematch.
Good luck!
Yes, actually we believed that rematch was the best option for me so now I am in rematch :(. They never fixed the car btw. I am sad because rematch is not funny but if I find a new family maybe I will be happier..
Best of luck to you. I’m just now reading this and I think rematch is best.
To the point about “What is it with host families and/or agencies not disclosing that host kids have ADD or ADHD?” … to be generous, I will say that for some parents, it can be very hard to identify their own child as having differences. It can also drastically increase rates of rejection when looking for an au pair – obviously, no family wants to host an AP who doesn’t want to take care of a child with differences if the child has differences, but the rejection based solely on 4 letters can feel judgmental, unfair, and misguided. That said, at some point in the interview process, if the child has a diagnosis, the parents need to be able to say so, or at least describe how it plays out in every day life, even if it’s painful for the parents to say it.
As an aside, for me, the absolute worst is a candidate who reports experience with special needs (like ADHD) and writes eloquently about that experience in the host family letter, but who then checks the box “NO” to the question, “Are you willing to care for a child with special needs.” I’m probably as confounded by that as you are by host parents not disclosing a diagnosis.
Anyway, I agree with 2kids and a cat that if you wouldn’t have matched with this family had you known about the ADHD before, then you are not the right AP for this family and you’re not doing them any favors by staying…the kids deserve an AP who said yes, dirty diapers an all (metaphorically).
Thanks for your point of view :)
I can see how this could happen if the child hasn’t been diagnosed but if he or she has then I really think it’s akin to if the AP arrived at their HF’s house and they discovered she had medical issues that would affect her AP year with HF and she hadn’t disclosed them I’m sure a lot of families would be straight into rematch?
I can see how a lot of AP’s might automatically discount any HF who puts down their kids have a disorder so I can empathise there. I admit I don’t have a good solution! But you could look at it in the way that you don’t really want someone who is so judgemental or ill equiped to care for your children. I also think a lot could have to do with AP’s not fully understanding what the diagnosis may mean and just automatically wanting a “safer” or “easier” AP experience so all I can suggest future AP’s is to keep an open mind and just do a little bit of research on whatever disorder the child may have – as typically it is manageable!
Yes I agree that is so strange and I am wondering why you would even put down you have experience with it and then click the NO box. I would guess it would have to do with what I mentioned earlier about having a safer or easier experience. I’m sure that would be very frustrating!
I knew of some kids that had ADHD but I never I thoughr I would have to work with them. I am not looking for an easier experience, I am just looking for a happier experience. Everybody knows their limits. I don’t have experience with kids like that and it only makes me feel frustrated(besides the other thingsnthst I already mentioned that just make me feel sadder)
Sorry AP that comment I made about an easier or safer experience wasn’t directed towards you, it was in reference to aupairs who say they’ve had ADD/ADHD experience but still tick no to wanting to work with them in their AuPair application.
Thanks for your comment.
It is a fact that I don’t have experience with special needs and I NEVER said yes. So if I don’t have it then Host families with special needs don’t have to contact me isn’t it? I guess kids with ADHD are not considered special needs then. But since now for me they are.
I told them I didn’t feel a good Au Pair and they said they love me and they say I am helping them a lot(I am taking care of maaaaany kids not just 2).
But the HM told me she noticed I am sad and she doesn’t want me to be sad and she also said I am wonderful, but I am still getting depressed and depressed and she is true when she says “I know this is not the year you expected to be”.
ohh I understand Lauren, I’m sorry :)… Yes, you are definitely right.
“As an aside, for me, the absolute worst is a candidate who reports experience with special needs (like ADHD) and writes eloquently about that experience in the host family letter, but who then checks the box “NO” to the question, “Are you willing to care for a child with special needs.””
When I came to the US as an AP, I did have experience with an ADH²D child (the middle of three boys I babysat for regularly, twice a week, including full days on the weekends, for 5 years – oldest was gifted, middle had ADHD with such a capital H that his teacher had a swing installed in class for him, the youngest was just a smart little boy). That experience taught me – long before matching – that this situation was something I could handle for eight hours every other Saturday or four hours every Wednesday night but nothing I could commit to for 45 hrs per week for a year. With no way out, no home to go to after work, in a country where I wasn’t as familiar with the culture or options and resources available to me as in my home country. I admire people who can but I am happy that I don’t have to (and never had to). I found it hard enough to keep them safe and happy as it was.
I have other strengths but caring for ADHD children is not one of them (ADD I can handle, it’s the hyperactivity that I can’t deal with, neurotypical active 8 year olds, yes… but not hyperactivity). To me, admitting that while you have experience with something you also know that this is nothing you can work with for a whole year (or two) is the sensible thing to do. Knowing your own limits is important when you take over a large responsibility at a young age. One of my friends had immense experience with infants but said she’d feel uncomfortable caring for a newborn (SIDS etc.) so didn’t tick the box. As infant care was one of her main references she still had to disclose it at matching (otherwise she simply wouldn’t have mentioned it at all).
As a parent, you have no choice. As a teacher, you don’t have a choice. As a live-in nanny or AP, you do. And it’s good that you do for everybody’s safety and well-being. It doesn’t make sense to throw somebody you want to care for you children into a situation they don’t feel they can handle.
Overall, since you said you wouldn’t have matched with them had you known about the ADHD, you should talk to your LCC and initiate rematch. They are aware of the issues and your style of child management is obviously at odds with the approach they are choosing. Right or wrong, we generally choose the AP program because of flexibility and the ability to personalize the care we receive for our children. Even if you felt supported in handling these situations (which an LCC meeting could help move forward), what they are asking of you doesn’t work for you. Our kids aren’t perfect, and we’re far from perfect parents, but we do expect the AP to handle situations within our own philosophy. If she couldn’t, we’d have to look for a new AP.
The other things then become negligible. I would let your LCC know so she can watch out for the next AP. (Of course, the dishes are entirely unreasonable. On the car, just to be generous, did it break down and they don’t yet have the means to fix it? Are there public transportation options, or a bike you could use? Uber?)
My other thought about the car situation – did they decide they don’t like her driving but are too chicken to tell her so instead have just decided to not fix “her car”?
“Not working” and “not good” is very vague. I’m wondering if there is an issue with insuring the car, size/turning radius, manual transmission that she can’t drive…? We had an AP that often asked other APs for rides telling them her dedicated car didn’t work because she didn’t like driving it. We also had another not able to start one of the cars because she didn’t fully engage the clutch.
Language and communication is a big piece of this situation. OP says she talked about the car situation but what does that mean? Direct inquiry? Passive-aggressive comments? Definitely a situation where a LCC can help.
The insurance is okay. Actually, they put my name on the insurance. I talked to them directly and told them that I needed the car because there is no other way in which I can get out of the house. We talked with the LCC and we still have the same situation so… I don’t know what to think.
It could be a number of things really. The car could have issues, or it’s their excuse for not wanting her to drive it for any number of reasons, including the cost of insurance, driving performance etc. Only her host parents could really say for certain!
2 kids and a cat: no, they need to buy something in order to make the car work. There’s no bike, there is uber but if I use it everyday I may be spending a lot of money. Public transportation really sucks.
From personal experience, my son is autistic, and I always disclose it in my profile and during interview, but I have been told by the matching specialist not to do it to increase the pool of applicants. I rather do it than getting stuck in a situation where we, au pair and host family, are not happy. Even after disclosing it, I ended up rematching twice because of that and for not being able to give every weekend off.
As a HM, I always advocate communication first.
If there are serious issues, such as what you outlined, then communication is vital.
First, engage your LCC. Make sure she is aware of the situation.
If this is a family you are interested in staying with and working through the issues it’s going to be imperative you have a sit-down with your LCC present to go over all of the issues you mentioned and see if you can work it out.
If the dishes are an ongoing issue, then bring it up. However, if it’s a one-time thing that happened let it go. It may have been a miscommunication.
Your HP may be seeing things from a completely different perspective and not realize what you’re going through. Especially if they are in survival mode trying to manage work and two children that are ADD/ADHD. It sounds like they need to be more organized in how they approach their Aupair needs as well as be coached on realistic expectations, which your LCC can do. However, none of that will occur without you speaking up.
That said, if this is not the right fit and not a family that you want to stay with, it’s in everyone’s best interest that you initiate rematch ASAP.
Waiting only makes it more difficult for everyone involved. Best Wishes!
I totally agree with this advice. Before instituting rematch, ask for a conversation with your HF. Don’t spring it on them, but ask for a quiet time – after the kids have gone to bed – on which you can both agree. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them alone – or feel like you’ve made as many requests for changes as possible, then first have a conversation with your LCC and ask her to join you. A good LCC will help you and your HF draw acceptable boundaries. It will help you both understand what is and what is not permitted under the US au pair guidelines.
If your LCC believes you have done your best to make the most of a bad situation and the HP are not going to change, then she will work hard for you to find a new match, including helping you find a family whose children are more suitable for your skill set.
Personally, if I were you, then I would only say “there are two children with special needs in this house and I did not state I was special needs willing in my application” (if this is true) and leave it at that. Don’t state anything about dirty dishes, lack of car, or other complaints in your rematch reason. Why? In my experience HF see complaining about HFs as negatives.
Finally, if you choose to go into rematch, then do your homework. Google maps will help you understand where your prospective HF live and whether their home is in walking distance to stores, if there is public transportation nearby, etc. Try to decide what is important to you in a community instead of just picking a particular city or state (if you have the option to choose).
thank you for your advice, it really helped me! at the end we decided to go into rematch; I wasn’t happy. My LCC said that I was able to handle the situation but I look into the future and I don’t think this is gonna happen unfortunately.
thank you very much
Be happy you will better place soon. Good luck!
The dishes and the car are matters that can usually be worked through, but keep in mind that even when promised a car other factors come in to play that can prevent a HF from fulfilling that promise such as your driving isn’t considered safe, the insurance costs more than anticipated, and trust issues. If you aren’t able or willing to deal with the kind of HK behavior you’ve described, then rematch is going to be your best solution, especially as it doesn’t sound as though you have support from the HPs. It is very important that APs talk about discipline (not punishment) and family dynamics with prospective HFs. Knowing what behaviors are acceptable and how permissive the parents are is important. If you are used to a structured household and match with a laid back family, there will be issues.
thank you very much for your advice! :D
thanks everybody, the last decision was rematch. I hope I can find a new family.
thanks for updating us…. and fingers’ crossed that you find a family that’s a better fit!
Save some money and do the tematach. Of they are not loyal don’t bother. You see tlhosts are not obligated to provide You an access to the car. Choose the familly in a big city with a metro so you could be more independent. Ah… Don’t talk with them communicate via e mail you will have documents not just their empty words.
I respectfully disagree with this advice. Communicating all via email you won’t be able to get a gut read on the family and your fit. Having emails to show the agency means nothing. If you think getting them to say in email that you will have a car means they will have to provide a car it’s just not true. That’s why you need to have multiple, in depth, ideally in person or on Skype conversations to determine what their situation and family are really like.
I would be willing to bet that you didn’t do this level of diligence the first time (not uncommon – you have no context and often don’t know what you are looking for or can live with until you get here).
I spend A LOT of time during interviewing explaining to APs what the program is truly like (not the agency spin), what the biggest challenges often are, asking them to think hard about things like logistics, weather, ideals, goals, study plans and how certain families might be a better or worse fit based on that. Several times we have released an AP, given advice to them about what we think a better fit would be (since you bike everyday for exercise you might want to look for a family in a city that is bike friendly, etc).
Don’t “choose a family in a big city with a metro” unless you truly think that is most important. To your point, you could also have a great experience in a mid sized city as long as you had access to a car or bus pass or both. Talk to the families previous APs, ask them what they studied, how far away it is, if they liked it, what the best thing about the family is, worst thing, don’t just focus on perks. I know TONS of miserable APs that have unlimited car access and live in huge houses watching one kid part time. I regularly get contacted by APs in “prime” cities with amazing perks that don’t have a good relationship with the family and realize too late that that is the most important thing to them.
Slow down. Learn from this experience. Do not panic. Do your diligence. Any host family worth having you will appreciate you slowing down and getting into the details and not wanting to end up in rematch again. Don’t get desperate. I promise it is better to go home than to live in another scenario that isn’t a good fit. Life is too short. That doesn’t mean you need perks. That does mean you need to find a family that you can live with long term and have a good relationship with. Otherwise it’s like living with a roommate you hate – think about how miserable that is. Unfortunately I think APs don’t take enough time on this because they assume they will work hard and their HF seems really nice and they like kids etc (which are all good things). As you have learned the hard way, its not that simple. You are going to be living with these people for a year, caring for these kids full time healthy/sick better or worse and living in their area in that environment for the term. I like APs that ask detailed questions not about perks but that show me they are really envisioning the situation. Questions like “where have your past APs taken classes, what have they studied, when did they take classes and did they enjoy it and how did they get there” get bonus points with me. “What kind of car will I be driving” does not.
I can’t tell you how many APs tell me they don’t care about a car curfew and then get here and don’t like it. It doesn’t mean their words were “empty” or that they lied or misled me or are not loyal. It just means they thought it didn’t matter and then got here and changed their mind once they had more context. We haven’t had any rematches over it but I know my APs sometimes don’t like it when it is inconvenient for them. But – at least according to them – they love us and the kids and the trips we take and having access to a car and everything else so its still a great fit.
Net/net you have to dig in and look at everything and trust your gut. Be patient, don’t panic, don’t expect perfection and hopefully you will find a better fit. Good luck!
thank you! your words were beautiful and really helped me. I really made maany questions, everything that you asked I asked them to the family but unfortunately it seems like it didn’t work. Even though my HP are great and amazing people, I still have problems with the kids, and when you tell me “think about, you are gonna spend one year in that place” that is the reason that made me rematch.
Being in rematch is awful, sad. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you are going to find a better family. My agency is really small and there are not many families. But I still have hope, so thank you for your advice.
PD: you seem like a good HM btw :)
I didn’t mean not talking while interviewing the new host family. I ment don’t trust the family that she is right now. I mention emails because it seems like they are not sincere. I think that hosts taking advantage of young people at least after 1st Au pair. They know what to expect, Au pair doesn’t. What seems fine in the beginning might turn bad with a time. The agreement says Au pair is obligated to have a room and 195.75 a week. A lot of the Au pairs don’t want spending time with hosts and vice versa. Hosts won’t be discussing with you of your job conditions untill you won’t be doing your work well. Also during the interview process consider matching with family with older kids 8-10 years old. Remember you will be spending time with them. If you want to improve foreign language. Some of hosts would like to talk to Au pair like with a local adult. Many times language barrier occurs so the conversation is on a basic level. Au pair and the hosts are disaffected.
they are not obligated to give me access to the car, but this is when the au pair decides if she wants the family or not. In my situation, if it is a small city and I won’t have a car, I will not say “yes” to the host family. If they are gonna give me the car and then say no, I would like to hear at least one reason why and maybe we can solve it, isn’t it?
I always talk to them because I consider they are people who are telling me the truth but I just decided I will do both: email and skype.
Yes absolutely if they commit to something they should do it. I was just saying having it in email doesn’t make a difference. And yes things happen but you should openly be able to communicate and come to a solution!
Thank you for the kind words. I was having a day wondering why we continue to host so appreciate the compliment! Right now we have the opposite – we are treating AP as family and she’s treating us like an employer. Sigh. It’s really frustrating because I know there are APs that want nothing more than a close relationship with a host family that follows the rules and we go above and beyond and it’s just not appreciated or at all reciprocated. She does the job though and kids like her so we will just suck up our disappointment and deal with it until term ends.
Wow! I can’t believe it! One of the things I would love the most is not only being an Au Pair but a part of the family. I know there are some host families that don’t treat the au pairs a part of the family and au pairs that do the same. It is so sad. I hope my next family treats me as a member of the family too :(
TexasHM I think if you’re not happy with the way your family’s relationship with the au pair is progressing you should talk to your au pair about it – your au pair might not even realize that that’s how you feel. It can be difficult trying to balance wanting to be a member of the family and also wanting to give the host family privacy. I obviously don’t know the full story but there might be a reason why your au pair isn’t intergrating herself into your family – I have 3 small kids, only 1 of them goes to school and I’m with the other two every single day for the whole week and half of Saturdays and my host family only invite me to do something with them when I’m supposed to be off- which has resulted in me turning them down because after working 45 hours and taking care of 3 kids I really need to be by myself and have time to socialize with my friends. I’d love to do more things with them but by the time I’m off I’m exhausted. So, have a conversation with her if you haven’t already – communication goes a long way.
Amy AP – completely agreed and we have absolutely talked about it. I wouldn’t post and not talk to my AP but you are correct – many times both HFs and APs vent but don’t actually speak to each other and most problems are very easy to fix!
Bitka – I understand your perspective but respectfully disagree again. I am sorry you apparently have not had a great experience but that doesn’t mean that others aren’t treated well. We have had 5 APs and I am in close contact with our previous 4 even though several were here years ago. AP1 married, husband walked her down the aisle, kids in wedding, I got her ready and now we are godparents to her kids and she has a key to my house and is over regularly. AP2 I helped get her dream job after she returned to her home country and she’s been back to visit as well. AP3 is traveling the world with her awesome boyfriend and plans to visit next year and has already asked my husband to walk her down the aisle and made us promise to be in her wedding in France in a couple of years. AP4 messages everyday (she’s been gone 6 mos now) and is coming back in November. This program is not cheaper than a nanny for us and our APs usually have to wait a couple months to get unrestricted driving privileges because we want to make sure they know the area and are confident drivers before we turn them loose – none of our APs have had issue with this and we were very clear and followed through on what we said.
I am only giving some context here because I want you to understand that your experience is not everyone else’s experience and I was very candid with our AP before she arrived about what our relationship is like with ex-APs, she talked to all of them and that we truly want a lifelong family member and what that means. It’s never been an issue in the past 6 years. Current AP is just much more guarded and unfortunately has several AP friends getting in her head telling her that no HF really cares about their AP like we do and we must have another agenda and be trying to screw her over once she lets her guard down. Luckily after multiple conversations and chat with the LC and us she appears to be realizing all that was nonsense and has been awesome the last few days.
Expectation setting is crucial. APs you need to ask your HFs what family member or employee means to them. What do they expect of a family member? What would their ideal situation look like? Etc Our current AP is fantastic and deliberately picked us out of two dozen families because her sister was an AP and she had visited and knew that most host families treat APs as employees and that is not what she wanted. She was super happy here until suddenly she was reading into everything I said and sullen and now she seems back to herself.
Our AP doesn’t have a dinosaur cell phone and frankly if she had asked me in matching what kind of cell phone we provided I likely would have passed on her as a candidate. If however, she got here and said Uber didn’t work on her phone because it was too old I would get her a newer one. It’s all about communication to Amy AP’s point. In our case it was a little trickier because you can’t tell someone to act more like a family member. They either want that relationship or they don’t. I’m frankly tired of other APs poisoning the well against HFs. Every single one of my APs has been made fun of/bullied for having a great relationship with us, going on trips with us, doing occasional things with us in their free time and it’s ridiculous. In this instance my AP is more sensitive and it drastically impacted our relationship. Misery loves company and many cluster meetings are HF bash fests and I am sick of it. Grow up, be supportive of your fellow APs even if they have it better than you and communicate with your HFs don’t just whine to others or tell new or potential APs that all HFs are like the experience you have. We aren’t perfect but we put our heart and soul into this program and these young women are family and we treat them as such (and continue to do so long after they leave) and I know a lot of others on this site do as well so if you have something constructive to share I am all ears but hate mongering I will pass.
You see technically they weren’t lying :D. I know lots of examples like that. In USA according to my experience people don’t say what they mean. It might be a problem for Europeans. From my experience I wouldn’t even count on a good cellphone from the host family side. I mean ask if it’s from XI century not XX so you could use uber just in case :D. Don’t have a deals with HF if they want you to wait couple of months for things. These are just empty words. Do the rematch right away.
Smart Au pair she’s protecting herself. It’s logical. This program can be pretty cruel if you involve too much. You call someone member of the family (It can mean a lot) and after a year that Au pair is out of door, you have another Au pair and than another and another. In the meantime HF have to find replacement. 3months before the old Au pair live HF already knows that the new one will come. HF don’t have much choice if they still want to have elastic child care that costs less than nanny.
Off topic for the original issue. Every culture has culturally acceptable “lies” (Not to say that the OP HF’s lies and omissions are acceptable). And just because a person is from a specific country doesn’t mean that person fits every stereotype of that country. Isn’t this what the entire cultural exchange component is about? Learning the general culture of a region, but also learning that people have their individual differences.
The AP program is not for everyone. “Cheap flexible childcare” is an advertising phrase and not reality. There are many aspects of the AP program that are neither cheap nor flexible for HF.
It is cultural experience but only if the participants are interested in sharing their cultures. When I say sth I mean it. Btw never got better cellphone during my Au pair program. How someone can say that you are equal, you are welcomed, member of the family or claim Au pair can always can come to HP and discuss the issue. Later Au pair is treated like an air. Au pair live in HF house yet HF instead of talking with Au pair she will be checking schedule from the calendar or reading notes what kind of food should she prepare for HK or what do HF has for dinner (just in case so Au pair would know what to answer if HK will ask). It blows my mind how HF cant realize that not having an acces to basic media can be an issue :). This is my personal experience it is possible that you will have similar better or worse.
I feel like I’m reading the email I sent to my old lcc before I rematched to (ironically) the south west.
My old hostfamily had only two cars and the only one I was supposed to be driving first had problems with the insurance for a month, then something with the tires and then I could never use it because my hostmother would need it. I was stuck at home for the full two months I was there. I later heard from their new au pair that she mentioned how I never left the house (taxis were expensive and biking was nearly impossible) and always depended on them. But asking your friends for rides daily is emberassing and not cool.
And yes they never mentioned to me how agressive their son was either; het hit me, his little sister and other kids and parents therefor never wanted to have playdates with him, which made him even more angry.
My hostmother was also dreadfully messy and used so many pots and pans but never cleaned up after herself. I always ended up cleaning behind everybody because I could not do my work that way. It all came down to me (yup, also the weekend dishes just like you.)
I figured that I would never be able to earn their respect and that I was just there to clean. I was not allowed to even discipline the children but when they would go to their mom, she would be angry at me for not being able to handle her situation.
When I told her I just wanted to rematched she jokingly said she was expecting it because of my age. Meanwhile they switched agencies and their third Au Pair they had for two months just left (Three Au Pairs whitin a year!) . Some families are just no fit but will do anything for cheap childcare.
Try to talk with your hostparents, if you think it isn’t gonna change or nothing will change after the talk, I would suggest a rematch.
Bitka, I am sorry for your bad experience. But I completely disagree with you. Not all families are awful, you probably were unlucky to get the bad apple of the bunch. I had a VERY rewarding and wonderful AP experience a whiiiiilee ago that I will again redo in an instant. Why did you stay if you were unhappy? What were you after when joining the AP program? Did you not know that being an Au Pair is not just being in a cultural exchange program, but it’s a JOB. You have to want to learn AND TO WORK to be in this program.
I find many of my AP friends have unrealistic expectation- they want all the perks, but don’t want to go the extra mile for the family who opens their house for them, provide car and phone (they don’t have too, btw), take them to vacations, etc. They want to be treated like family, but they don’t want to do household chores (outside of working hours) like other family members. You live in someone else’s home, at least have the decency to help them do the dishes. If this is something that you absolutely hate doing, then tell them in advance- You might not be a good match for them. And there’s nothing wrong about reading a schedule from a calendar, I’d rather have my schedule set on a calendar than orally dictated to me with a risk of changing or me (or HP) forgetting it. I like EVERYTHING in writing, and luckily my ex HF did also, so yes I read what kind of food I should prepare for HK from notes, my HP texted me instructions. I am very happy with that. My HP didn’t ask me to prepare them breakfast or pack lunch for them when they go to work, but I did anyway. They treated me with respect, take me when they’re vacationing to Italy, Hawaii, Mexico, places I can only dreamed of going if I should pay for it myself, staying at 5 stars hotels.
I think the problem with AP (as well as HF) arises when that there’s no transparency from the start. From the start my HF told me what I will be getting (and they kept their word)- exclusive access to car, working iPhone, access to a tablet, shared computer, they even went into detail things like membership to museums that they made in my name since I told them that I love museums- so I can go anytime for free with the kids (And also in my free time with my friends). But they also told me what they expect of me- to cook dinner for the family (alternating with HP), do the household dishes when housekeeper doesn’t come (No my HP didn’t do the dishes at all too, and I am OK with it, they have a dishwasher), grocery shop for the family, etc. Since I knew this in advance, these tasks weren’t a surprise for me and I came into the house with a set of expectations that was real. I had (and still have) a really good relationship with them.
I suggest all new APs to set expectations from the start, if possible ask your HF to type up some sort of guideline/ set of expectations for you in advance (this is what my HF did for all the APs they hosted so there’s no surprises). Then line them up with YOUR expectations- are they a match? If not, what do you want to change? Talk to them about it, if possible make the changes, if not- then you are not a good match. Don’t rush into accepting an invitation just because you want to go overseas, or have “Au Pair experience”. Take your time. A good family is out there for you. If you are already in the program, and are not happy about some “surprises” that you didn’t know before you start the program, then take time to sit down and talk about it, it’s never too late to review expectations. It’s important!
My husband and I now have a child and we are thinking to host an Au Pair! I have come full circle! haha.
Thank you for your advice. I am with a new host family and I am really happy??.. rematch was the best for me
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