Comments on: Your Brother’s Wedding vs. Her 21st Birthday: Whose priority wins? (Poll)

By: aria

aria — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 08:35:56 +0000

Since it’s your brother’s wedding, I’m going to assume (maybe incorrectly) that there will be lots of family around for the entire week as you all get together to prepare. There must be a 13 year old cousin somewhere who wouldn’t mind occupying your kids for a couple of hours during the week (and I don’t mean during the actual wedding- I mean before, during rehearsals, dinners, etc) and like another poster said, I’m sure they would be thrilled to get 20 bucks for their time.

I don’t really see how [politely saying she would greatly prefer to spend her 21st birthday with friends in Vegas] is taking advantage or being selfish… it seems like a normal request. The OP didn’t say anything about the AP throwing a tantrum or a fit (like some other crazy stories we’ve all read) to have her birthday off.

IMHO, the AP’s personal life is her personal life. If she was staying out all night and then acted groggy and grumpy around your kids, then it would be a problem. But you seem to like how she handles them, so I would take a step back and look at that. If she hasn’t made an effort to be a part of your family by now, she probably isn’t going to want to start with a “forced” babysitting trip on her birthday. Let her be. Maybe she really doesn’t want to be a “part of your family;” granted, that’s not exactly the point of the AP program, but perfect childcare is impossible to find. If you are happy with how she handles the kids (especially since you said your daughter was special needs), her chores, and if she is pleasant and polite to you, be happy. The AP/HF relationship is delicate, and it’s very easy for resentment to start building up and creating unnecessary tension.

I’m an AP, and I try to do as much as I can do, because I know my HM will see and appreciate it, and she’ll reciprocate. She gives me time off when she can, even if I don’t ask for it. It’s the same vice versa- if you go out of your way to manage without her and let her go with her friends, it might be an incentive for her to try hard and obey the house rules even more, because she can see that you are fair and you made a sacrifice for her. She might be more inclined to make sacrifices for you.

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By: PA Mom

PA Mom — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:35:20 +0000

Reading over your last posting! I would not want an au-pair with that kind of lifestyle around my children. Regardless if she is doing an ok job with my children. It might be a long road to finding another au-pair, but I am sure you would be much happier and not stressed out about her personal life and thinking>> OH! What next!! It’s great to be flexible but not when they start taking advantage of you.

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By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 20:39:06 +0000

If you really feel that you need your au pair to work, then make her go. It’s her job. She knew she would be turning 21 during her time as an au pair and she knew what she was signing on for. We work because we have jobs or obligations, and yay for us if our birthday or anniversary falls on a weekend, but people in the real world don’t take time off to celebrate if they are expected to work — and if we do take time off to celebrate we take vacation time and give an appropriate amount of notice.

If you don’t really need her and can make other arrangement for your children, then I would let her use her vacation time to go.

If she had already put in for vacation time before the wedding came up, then I think you need to let her go to Vegas — though I have had a boss ask me to change my vacation plans because of unexpected things coming up at the office.

By: Anna

Anna — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 20:38:17 +0000

Melissa,

I think you got caught up in not having clear rules beforehand, and then having to impose “new rules” on the au pair when she was pushing your limits.
I think maybe for next year you should think about those things and have a page in your family handbook clearly outlining the rules.
I have curfew for my au pair on days she works the next morning, NO EXCEPTIONS. If she is running late for any reason she is supposed to call me.
If she is staying out late or overnight on other nights she is supposed to let me know beforehand, and where she will be. This is for her safety and my piece of mind.
Also she pays for her texting plan, and I have a rule of no personal phone calls when she is working.

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By: Darthastewart

Darthastewart — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 20:14:30 +0000

From my perspective, as long as their off hours activities are not impacting their on duty hours, I tend to let it ride. You’re going to encounter a LOT of this kind of behavior in Au-pairs, and even of the bunch I’ve had, all but a couple have done this.
You have to decide if you can live with this sort of stuff or not- but you may also want to consider whether an au-pair is the best choice, given that I find this type of behavior is typical.

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By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:12:24 +0000

Thanks for the input CalifMom! I have gone back & forth lately, and feel a bit crazy at times! On the childcare side, she is very good. Same with the being part of the household while she is working (note I say ‘household’, not part of the ‘family’). Very reliable, rarely late, never complains, is competent, pleasant, interacts fairly well with kids. She also anticipates needs, takes initiative and is not lazy. These last few ‘soft skills’ were painfully absent in my last AP, so to me, those skills make a world of difference, and I find that APs either ‘have it’ or they don’t.

Although I’m very happy on the childcare side of the fence (she would make a great live-out nanny), it is the personal/living with us part that is causing problems. We started out with a worknight curfew & general rules about car use (we have a 3rd car for her use). After being here a few weeks, she asked about staying out past the 11pm curfew one evening. I said no problem, and explained that we’re pretty flexible, we have that curfew in order to prevent someone from partying every evening til 3am, & that we’re ok with an occasional exception, as long as she uses good judgment. Well, we quickly had 3 ‘exceptions’ in one week. We talked about it & reined her in. She generally abides by things after we discuss it, but that has been the pattern again & again-that another issue comes up where she pushes the limits & I have to have a talk with her. She asked if she can have a male friend over. I said sure, as long as doesn’t stay late (especially since this was a weeknight). I didn’t specify an exact time, rather ‘use good judgment’ (live and learn, on my end). Well, they finally emerged from her room at 11:15pm, just when I was ready to knock on her door and politely kick him out. Car use has been a big issue, as she goes out constantly in her free time. During the first couple months, she would often stay out til 2 or 3 am, sometimes with a guy she just met (this is where I try to keep my mouth shut & not be morally judgmental, but it doesn’t help my image of her). She had the car out overnight a lot, until we finally put a specific limit on how many times she could do that. We previously didn’t have any rules on overnight car usage because it had never been a problem. Our prior APs did occasionally stay out overnight, usually at another APs house or a boyfriends place, but since we felt comfortable with who they were with & they didn’t abuse it, it was never an issue. Our current AP tells us very little about her personal life and definitely likes to party, & most of her friends are not APs & I have never met them, so I’m much less comfortable about her judgment. And that is the main issue – we feel like we don’t “know her.”
We recently had a talk about texting and internet usage, after an occasion where she was literally attached to her phone & PC while working. I said ‘limited’ texting is ok (e.g., setting a time to meet a friend, NOT having an online conversation). The very next day, I used her PC (we have a separate laptop for her personal use) & saw multiple chats up on the screen, while she was working. In one of them, she said she can’t wait (using some choice language) to get the car back, which had been in the shop for 4 days, so she can go out and smoke (news to me!). I normally would never use her computer or intentionally invade her privacy, but my own was not working & I needed to get online. Well, I about lost it and we had a BIG chat afterwards. I was very specific about no text or internet, specifically clarifying our car rules, and most importantly, conveying my concern that we are not confident that we can trust her or her judgment when it comes to her personal time, and instances like this certainly add to that. We also subsequently had a talk about keeping to the mileage limits we set (again, another rule we had to implement after her arrival).
Well, the car, curfew and internet activity has been ok lately. However, my latest frustration was that she and another AP who is new to our area took a cab last weekend to an area with bars/clubs (presumably b/c she wanted to drink and not have to worry about driving, which was fine with me). She didn’t say when she’d be back, but I just assumed around 2 or 3am, when bars close. I said have a great time & was happy that she was being conscientious about car usage & that she potentially made another AP friend who lives fairly close to us (all the other APs live rather far). I was shocked the next morning when they came wandering in at 11am in their clubbing clothes (high heels, short dress, covered by a sweatshirt – not hers, mind you). I’m fine with her staying out all night, of course, but at least tell me beforehand. Particularly since we just talked about trust and safety, and feeling like we don’t know what she does in her free time, I couldn’t help but think, “Really!!??” Honestly though, I think she had no idea she was going to be out all night, especially since all she had with her was a purse (no car, no change of clothes, etc). This was just last weekend, so I have yet to gather up the emotional energy to talk with her about this latest issue.
So, in a VERY long summary (sorry!), that’s where I’m at. I love the childcare side but have been on a rollercoaster ride of frustration on the personal side. I cringe at the idea of having our lives turned upside down for a rematch, and I have very little other childcare options, so I don’t whether to push it or not.

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By: Calif Mom

Calif Mom — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:19:35 +0000

Melissa and Jane — sounds to me like you both are having “frog in a frying pan” problems. You are sort of feeling the heat, but it isn’t unbearable yet. I think you need to push the issue: either they get good with where the boundaries are, or you all move on. Another 6 months of feeling like you’re always being pushed around by your AP is no good. It’s mentally exhausting, and no one wants to live with crabby Mom…even Crabby Mom.

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By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 05:59:14 +0000

A “family member” would HAVE to go to the wedding. What true member of the family would say, “No, I’m choosing not to come to your wedding because it’s my birthday”?!

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By: Anonymous HM

Anonymous HM — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:41:47 +0000

I have to agree– to say that an AP is not an employee undermines the critical role they play in providing childcare. Why on earth would I pay someone to live in our home, provide them with room, board, and many extras, if their first priority was not to care for my children? We value our relationship with our AP, as well as the rich cultural exchange that is part of this experience, but I can’t imagine trusting my children to someone, 40 hours per week, who did not view this responsibility as a very important job. As a side note, I feel the term ‘pocket money’ is misleading and undermines to employee/employer relationship. I view this as a salary, and when I calculate the cost of room, board, educational expenses, car, cell phone, vacations, etc., I view it as a rather competitive salary.

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By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:47:10 +0000

Well, my husband is a member of my family and if I were in my brother’s wedding party and my aupair refused to go to the wedding, my husband, my sister , my mother, my mother in law, my other brother and my niece would all help out. As a teenager, I did accompany an aunt by marriage to her brother’s wedding for the purpose of looking after my little cousin. I also went to Puerto Rico with my aunt and uncle on vacation to help babysit. I had some time off, some time on and a wonderful experience.
I took my younger sister along to babysit on a family vacation
in my pre-aupair days.
There is no question in my mind that this aupair is being very selfish ; the real issue is whether it is worth it to the family to insist that she help out. It seems that they have taken a very reasonable approach.