Comments on: Working out isn’t working, is it?

By: Taking a Computer Lunch

Taking a Computer Lunch — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:39:05 +0000

I would have said no, “American parents and caregivers stay and watch the kids because they want to know that someone cares about them. Please stay, watch, and meet his/her glances from time to time.” My guess is that as the lessons continue, the parents pay less attention, and the ability to work out increases. Easier to give a privilege than to take one away.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: sleepytime

sleepytime — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:53:08 +0000

We have a gym membership that includes our au pair. She had to bring one child to a lesson there, and had another with her. I had her drop the second off at the childcare, because I thought he’d be bored and distracting at the lesson. All the parents stay at the lesson because the kids are young.
She asked if she could go work out during the lesson (hey, the other kid was already at childcare.) I said sure, but please check in a couple of times. Her response was she found that distracting when she was a child but okay. I thought, this is going to be a really long year.
That week she decided to rematch.
I never mention during initial match that we have a third car or a gym membership, or unlimited texting because I’m afraid we’ll end up with the kind of person who’ll argue about checking on kids during her work hours!

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Bilingual

Bilingual — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 12:53:49 +0000

I would say just reexplain to her what you meant by take your son there occasionally and the difference between working out in her off time and taking your son there. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she is purposefully trying to abuse the system but perhaps needs the specific rules explained to her. Also, in general for host moms, I would avoid phrases such as “within reason”, “once in a while”, “occasionally”. For example I worked as an au pair in Germany. In the beginning the parents had said I could invite my boyfriend over any time. I usually stay with him on the weekends and had no real need to invite him over. Anyways, the second time I asked if he could come over they said “Well, we would also like it if we were here when he comes and we would prefer it only if he comes occasionally. I wasn’t trying to push for him to come over more often but I really wanted to know my limits because I wanted to stay within them. I had a long and pleasant conversation with the host mom until I got specific information with a logical explanation. She was also very direct with me which I appreciated. It turns out that she only felt comfortable with him coming one time per month and only staying one night on the weekend except when they specifically invite him. Basically, “occasionally” and “sometimes” mean very different things in different cultures and languages. I never would have found that out if I hadn’t pushed the conversation and insisted that she help me understand. Once again, I had no problem with the decision because it is her house, but I wanted a concrete definition of how often he was allowed to visit.
I would also like to add to this as being someone from the south, as we like to talk around things rather than being short and direct finding it perhaps a bit more polite, that that is sometimes difficult for foreigners, whose native language is not English, to grasp.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Brittany

Brittany — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:55:18 +0000

Someone made the comment that even if the AP works 10 hours a day, minus 8 hours for sleep, there’s still 6 hours in a day for her to go to the gym and work out. Really? After working 10 hours, who would want to work out? I totally get that she shouldn’t be paid during these hours, but if she’s allowed to go, and take your children with her, then I hardly feel that she should have to “make up” for those hours later (unless it is discussed and agreed upon by the AP). I’m a Nanny and I work 9.5 hour days, and when I go home, I don’t even want to cook dinner. I asked my Host Mom if I could take the baby to my house for maybe an hour in the afternoon, to let my dogs go out back for awhile, but the Host Dad isn’t a dog person and doesn’t want me to take the baby, it can be frustrating, trying to think of just something new that you can do with a 7 month old, I mean, feeling tree bark is enough to make him smile for thirty minutes, but I’m not so much into the tree bark.

I get what some of you are saying about sitting inside being bored…the baby I watch is 7.5 months old. Yes, he’s very fun and exciting, but things get pretty dull (how many times is chewing on plastic food gonna be exciting!? hahaha). Here in Holland it’s mostly rainy/overcast so it doesn’t make for nice exciting outside adventures, if ya know what I’m saying.

There are many girls who demand things that are outrageous (all those vacation days) however, I think that the AP should be able to go maybe once a week to the gym for an hour, at most because it is something new for the kids to experience, and they may even like it…if they don’t, put an end to it. Or, tell her to go out back and hit wiffle balls with a bat, throw around a softball, shoot some hoops, that’s a pretty intense workout in itself, AND the kids would be able to join in with the fun! Good luck!

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:41:02 +0000

Regarding Franzi comments, this is why we picked a 2nd yr or ext ap this time around. They knew what they were getting into and wanted to stay for an additional year. It is important, though, to see what age children they took care of previously. You can also ask the host parents about attitude.

By: NJM

NJM — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:18:21 +0000

Interesting off-shoot discussion!

Host Mom in Seattle (OP), I am *really* starting to wonder if my old AP didn’t make her way out to you! (A related question: Is there a good way to screen for over-entitlement? We’re about to start interviewing for next year’s au pair…)

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Franzi

Franzi — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:48:58 +0000

i understand the frustration any parent and AP goes through. but i think the main difference is that the AP signed up for a job (versus a first time mom who might be under the impression she can handle it all and then has to realize she can’t), (supposedly) having child care experience. girls with just a little over 200 hours probably never came close to this level of frustration. also, girls who only took care of kids while they were sleeping or for 2-3 hours at a time probably never experienced this frustration.

this is why i think it is important to really screen the experience stated in the application and ask about what she would do in these situations because she will hit the frustration level if there are only little ones to take care of (even worse if they don’t talk yet).

i think someone with enough experience is more able to channel her energy and knows how she can recharge (while being off) just because they have been there and they know what will happen! also, when you interview a girl, you can and should be very straight forward with what life will be like. this is even more important if you do not want your AP to leave the house with the infant/toddler when its below XYZ degrees. to many APs it’s perfectly normal to walk the kids, no matter what the weather is like. but i know some families that do not want their AP with the kids outside unless the sun is shining. being that stuck in the house

Like or Dislike: 0

By: new HM

new HM — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:03:31 +0000

This thread is getting a little off topic but it is an interesting conversation. Now that I am returning to work after four years of being a stay-at-home-mom I am acutely aware of the challenges that my AP will face (because I faced them too!). I’m talking about those days when you feel isolated in the house, bored with sidewalk chalk, and frustrated with whining and arguing. I love my children dearly but there have been those days that I wanted to put on my running shoes and do a Forest Gump!! I want to be sensitive to the fact that my AP may at times have these same feelings. An opportunity to get out of the house once or twice a week with the kids to go to the gym sounds fine to me. Sure she gets to be “off duty” at some point but as a very young women she will need encouragement, praise, and gratitude. Everything that stay-at-home-moms want.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: CV

CV — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:21:56 +0000

Hi Anon- Your comment makes me think about how, with the best situations, we can give our au pairs lots of autonomy in the ways that they choose to get things done (so long as it gets done). We do have to guard against making that same assumption that since we haven’t seen all the work get done, that someone (homemaker or au pair) hasn’t been working. B/c this is of course not true. If only someone kept track of how many times we changed a diaper, or picked up Crocs from the front stairs, or… yo know what I mean… cvh

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:12:02 +0000

I agree with everyone who said that working out isn’t an appropriate use of the aupair’s ” paid ” hours. But, I think, this is why so many women were miserable at home in the 1950′s. Intelligent women stuck in the suburbs without cars and husbands who came home , turned on the televison and asked ” What do you do all day ?”.
There is no easy answer to this. Women are now in the position of those men none of us wanted as a husband. Think: The Women’s Room, The Feminie Mystique , and Mad Men.
Life as a mother at home can be absolute bliss but only if you are your own boss.