Sometimes the concept of treating an au pair like a ‘member of the family’ doesn’t give you enough guidance. This seems especially true when it comes to figuring out ‘who pays for what, when’. We got a request (using the Skribit feature) for a post that would heolp to establish some guidelines for this.
I’ve started a list here of things that need to be paid for, with an initial try at who pays for what. The principle here is that the host family pays for what would be offered to other members of the family (esp. to a teenager/young adult), but your au pair pays for things that only she enjoys or where she exercises lots of personal discretion.
Let’s figure out what other general categories and specific situations need to be added to the list:
Food
Host parents pay for
- Regular, healthy food for 3 meals a day, 7 days a week
This means buying enough of the family’s regular food to feed her as well, imagining that she’d eat as large a portion as the hungriest host parent. - A few grocery items just for her:
Cookies, herb tea, some ground beef if you are vegetarians, some tofu if she is. (Obviously, this is assuming that you have no political or religious issues with having meat in your vegetarian/vegan home). - Non-kosher items for her, if your family is kosher and if the au pair is willing to store, cook, and eat the non-Kosher food in a way that does not mess with your religious traditions
- Up to $25/week of stuff ‘for her’ (see note at end)
- Groceries for her to prepare for herself when you are away for the weekend and she is home alone.
(This is part of the 3 meals/7 days concept). - The same food you get yourself when your are out and she is with you, on duty
- Dinners out with host family when on duty
Expect her to follow your lead with entrees. Take her only to places where you can afford to have her choose anything from the menu, unless it’s an odd situation (in that case, explain in the car before you get there). Offer her a rule of thumb– buy either an appetizer or dessert, not the most expensive item nor the least expensive item. The rough part here is if the parents want to splurge on a nice wine or an expensive entree, but they do not want to pay for the same for the au pair. This happens (!), and to me it seems to be reasonable if you want to get a $60 bottle of wine that you’d prefer not to share; just be clear if you want to splurge yourself but ask others to choose regular items. - Coffee and snack when out with the kids or with you at Starbucks, Target, etc.
- Any beer or wine at family events or while watching football.
- Popcorn when she takes the kids to the movies.
- Takeout/pizza that is ordered for family meals, whether she is on or off duty (but only at the same cost level as the family)
Au Pair pays for
- Fancy cocktails (if she is over 21) when you are out to dinner
- Coffee & snacks or meals out when she is off duty and with her friends
- Freaky diet drinks
- Food used to prepare meals for her friends and guests when she is at your house
- Alcoholic beverage consumed at your house when she has guests (if permitted)
- Food items above and beyond the basic groceries and $25 budget
- Food when she is on vacation, whether at your house alone or on her travels. (If she is having a ‘staycation’, you might just include her in the grocery shopping)
- Takeout/pizza items above and beyond what is planned for “family” meals
Health & Beauty Aids
Host family pays for (really, gives Au Pair access to) Band Aids, the occasional ibuprofen, tissues, bar soap, hand soap, hairdryer. Also, toilet paper, tissues, paper towels and cleaning supplies if she cleans her own room or bathroom.
Au Pair pays for all of her shampoos, cosmetics, sanitary supplies, prescriptions, cold medications, hair color, toothpaste, bath gel, curling irons, haircuts.
Activities
Host Family pays for
- Tickets and fees related to activities when the au pair is on duty
- Tickets to family outings when the Au Pair is off-duty but explicitly invited (e.g., to the movies with the kids)
Au Pair pays for
- Tickets to outings when the Au Pair is off-duty and the host parents are happy to take her with them but would prefer not to pay (e.g., A family Broadway show with Grandma). Hey, we can afford to take Grandma for her birthday… but we can’t afford to pay for the au pair. Such is life.
Medical & Dental Care
- Au pair pays for this personal care
Gas and Tolls
Au Pair pays when using car for personal travel.
Host family pays when car is used for family business.
Car Washing: Figure this out in advance, e.g., Au Pair if she is the only user of the car, Host family if you both use car.
Tele/Communications
Host family pays for
All the basics that the family enjoys:
- Telephone basic service (local calls)
- HBO/Cable TV, internet access
- Computer printing of basic stuff (e.g., directions to train station)
Optional: Cell phone basic local (if host family wants to provide this)
Au Pair pays for
Personal items and premium services:
- All long distance phone calls, texting,
- Movies On Demand, video rentals for herself, Library fines for her own books
- Premium online/ internet services (e.g., photo storage, manipulation, printing)
- Fancy computer printing (e.g., photos, large color items, party invitations)
Travel
Host family pays for
- Au Pair’s tickets to travel with the family, on duty, regular class (even if the parents take upgrades. But don’t leave her with the kids in economy class unless she is being paid to be on duty)
- When Au Pair is traveling from ‘home base’ to vacation spot so that she can be on duty at your vacation spot (e.g., you buy her a bus ticket from your house in NY City to your house in the Hamptons, regular class, so that she can be on duty in the Hamptons)
- Hotel accommodations in a room other than the parents’ room, while traveling with the family on duty or off duty.
(IMHO, it is fine to ask the au pair to share a room with the kids, as long as you make sure she has some privacy during her off duty time, when she is changing/showering, and when she wants to watch TV after kids go to bed)
Au Pair pays for
- Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she is unwilling/prefers not to travel with the family in their car, or in the travel mode they prefer
- Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she prefers to use a more expensive form of transportation (e.g., she wants to take the water taxi or luxury jitney, but you have given her a train ticket)
- Tickets to and from a vacation spot if she is joining the family on vacation but not going to be on duty, unless the family can afford to treat her
Household damage
Host family pays for
- Basic wear and tear: when things break and go wrong through regular use
- Basic household accidents (e.g., tea kettle catches fire, toilet overflows b/c you did not explain plumbing)
Au Pair pays for
- Dumb accidents that could have been avoided if she followed the directions that you have already gone over with her (e.g., sets off burglar alarm and can’t turn it off b/c she can’t remember where the code is and then you get whacked with the $50 ‘false alarm’ fee; water damage to the first floor powder room b/c she is unwilling to use the shower curtain correctly in the third floor bathroom; replacing the window fan after her balloon ribbons get strangled around it and burn out the motor; restoring all the software on your computer after she downloads something without permission and it has a virus your updated protection software didn’t catch)
What else should we add? And, what principle(s) do you use when you’re trying to figure out ‘who pays for what’?
(note: Regarding the $25 extra grocery ‘allowance’– this happens to be the maximum amount that most host parents thought was reasonable (in a previous discussion) for budgeting for the au pair’s “extras”. You are not expected to offer this “allowance” explicitly, or to offer it in addition to buying a proportionally larger amount of groceries overall. It’s just a guideline that you can use to figure out when you’ve gone too far.)
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My general feeling is that if she’s packing a major picnic to take out, then she’s paying. If she eats it at my home, then I’m paying. I think that you’re being taken advantage of, and if she’s doing lots of stuff like this, then it’s time to rematch.
This is a great post. I did the $100 a mo for our first au pair (2001) – she was vegetarian. That seemed to work. I actually was thinking I was being too cheap. I feel better now. I do not do this anymore, though.
Also every au pair we have had seems to gain min 20 lbs in 1 year. I think that means extra eating ….
Now, I explicitly explain how we eat food / meals /etc and look for an au pair that seems to be good with the idea. Also I think its a good idea to find out how the future au pair likes to spend money. I have noticed that some au pairs think nothing of buying themselves an ice cream or a starbucks whenever they want and would never expect me to pay. Others EXPECT me to buy it whenever they want it. I think you can tell which type of girl you will have by asking your future au pair – has she ever earned money herself and what does she spend it on? It says a ton on what she feels is important.
au pair hi mom, I’ve been reading your blog and I think it’s great, I have a question about money my host kids love ice cream, there’s always ice cream in the freezer, a few weeks ago the ice cream truck pass through our neighborhood and Children ran up without asking if i could buy ice cream, and her emotion was so great that i end buying the ice cream for them, the following week the same thing happened again and went back to buy ice cream, the third week it happened again and talk to them I explain that before running to the road for ice cream they had to awnser me if i could buy it, next week I had to pick up at the bus stop one of my kids and whit me was the smallest, the ice cream truck pass just happened again when we were waiting and I had no money with me and I said no the next time and also had ice cream at home, he was very upset and began to cry in the middle of the street and yell at me, I felt so ashamed, when we got back to the house was very upset, hit me and told me he hated me, i talked with my host mom about this and upset me a little of their reaction because what she said was “I can understand their reaction the ice cream truck is very important for him ” i wonder if this will be their reaction every time I say no to ice cream truck will mourn and cry and hit me, and if i have no money whit me he is going to do this ? do i have to pay for the ice cream during my dutty hours ? my host mom reaction was ok ? when she arrived home talk to him and he apollogize whit me ,but i don’t know what to do in this situation because the ice cream truck will
be passing every week …..thanks
You either need to tell the host mom to provide money for the ice cream truck, or she needs to tell the kids they’re only getting ice cream at home. There is NO REASON for you to spend your own money on the ice cream. That’s ridiculous. And you should not have to provide the money and then wait to be paid back.
While the HM my empathize with her child, her reaction was inappropriate. No child should be permitted to hit an AP ever (in my opinion, no child should hit period). It is very hard for small children to have limits, but in the end it is good for them. They can’t always have their way, or they won’t be very nice people to be around. I hope the kids thank you when you do buy ice cream for them. If they don’t, do remind them.
The next time your host kid gets upset, do tell him “I’m sorry to see you so upset, but we can’t do x right now,” or “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any money with me and I cannot buy that now.” Personally, I would not reward bad behavior. Sometimes if you hug a small child when he or she is upset they calm down sooner, sometimes not. I would not buy ice cream the next time the truck passes – tell him that his hitting you made you so sad that you cannot buy ice cream for him. It won’t take long for him to realize that a treat is a reward for good behavior and that it shouldn’t be expected.
And, in my opinion, no AP has to spend her own money on host kids. APs don’t make that much money. HK should see an AP spending her own money as a special treat. If you want your HP to reimburse you, you need to ask them their policy first. (I was so broke when my kids were tiny that I didn’t have extra cash to reimburse my AP when she purchased treats.)
Personally, I’d rather see my APs doing something special with my kids that didn’t cost money (and making it clear to the kids that it’s a special activity) than spending money on them. Mine are spoiled enough!
Well, we are in Week 3 with a new AP, and I’ve run in to a new issue that has never come up with previous APs. I know this is an older topic, but I’m hoping for some suggestions.
We use a grocery list system – there is a household grocery list, and APs are free to write whatever they’d like on it. Previous APs have asked for specific juice, yogurt, stuff like that. New AP has asked for OJ (she drinks A LOT) and these actimel things (seem to cost me about $12 a week for as many as she drinks). She’s asked for a few other assorted things, no big deal, I’m happy to buy them for her. I wasn’t thrilled with the $7 jar of Nutella, but whatever.
So today, she tells me that she wants particular flavors of things like yogurt and cereal versus what I buy for myself and the kids. She tells me that she’ll just buy them herself and then give me the receipts so I can repay her for the cost.
This REALLY rubbed me wrong. These are things that she wants specifically…over what I already buy for the household. I shop the yogurt and cereal, as well as everything else, that is on sale. I don’t mind buying her things that she adds to the list within reason, but the idea of her buying what she wants and getting reimbursed? That’s just off to me. I offered to take her shopping with me, but she doesn’t want to do that because she doesn’t always know when I’m going since I don’t have a set time each week.
And that being said, we are generous with our AP – she has her own car, own unlimited cell phone package, stuff like that. But the first week I was here, I took her shopping and explained that I buy what is on sale – for example, she asked if we should buy oranges, and I said “No, this week we’re getting apples instead because they are on sale”. So she knows (or should know) that money is not unlimited.
Any thoughts on how to do deal with this request that we reimburse her for the groceries she buys for herself? Just flat out “no”? Otherwise, she seems to be a great AP, and I don’t want to set that off over some .50 containers of yogurt…but I also don’t want it to get out of control. Anyone else run in to this?
What is disturbing to me is the tone or the sense of entitlement so early on (3 weeks!). This is when your AP should be at her most congenial not already making demands on you financially.
You need to stop this straightaway – you can tell her that you realise what she likes/loves and when you are shopping you will try to include SOME of her requests into the shopping the others she can pick up herself and NO you will be reimbursing any receipts. She is free to eat whatever is available in the house. I am sure she does not hand her mother a receipt for something she wants solely for her own use does she?
But nip this in the bud straightaway or heaven knows what the next receipt will be for.
She feels comfortable being blunt with you so why noy you with her? Just tell her that does not work for you. Tell her She can put 2 or 3 things on the list a week. She can make choices and accept limitations like everyone else. She will have to understand.
It sounds like this young woman is a little more self-assured than most incoming au pairs. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a sense of entitlement, just a little braver about asking for what she wants than most new arrivals. She may not be aware that the items she has requested are much more expensive than in Europe. I know our AP was used to drinking Pelligrino water at home, and asked for it here. When she went through it in a couple of the days she returned to buy more, and was shocked at the price. Then, she asked if there were something similar that was cheaper. Turns out our supermarket brand of seltzer tastes the same at a fraction of the cost.
DH and I disagree about how much to let APs request. I don’t mind buying one expensive thing, but I’d prefer that it was food (as opposed to junk food). DH is the one who goes shopping and pays for the groceries, so if is willing, so be it.
I’d like to offer one solution, and that’s $10 a week. Tell your AP, “look, my budget is not unlimited, and you are absolutely free to eat what I buy. I shop for items on sale, because that’s what I can afford.” You are free to buy extra items, and here’s X. I’d like a receipt and any change you might have at the end of the week. If you go over this amount, that is your decision, since there is plenty of food in the house for you to eat. Tell her that you will be willing to honor her requests within reason — and it will be your decision whether or not they will also be available to the children (or must be kept away from the children).
That way you don’t become a bottomless checkbook for her grocery whims, and she’ll develop a sense of her favorite European brands cost in the US (and because you’ll have a receipt at the end of the week she has to honor that it is groceries she is buying).
I’d also be clear, when you bring such items as OJ in the house, that you won’t be shopping for it again (and if you expect that it will be available to the children throughout the week, make that clear – “This is the OJ for the week, do be sure to give the kids a little every morning.” That way she’ll learn to pace herself. Do remind her that you think she’s a great AP.
I agree with TaCL that this is not necessarily ‘entitlement’ or a bad sign, although it doesn’t fit with a general American sensibility of how to ask for what you want. It could be simply that she is assertive, or from a say-what-you-mean-and-wait-for-correction culture.
I tend to be pretty accommodating, because I figure the AP really does have to get used to a lot of foreign things, and gives up a lot of autonomy in living with my family, and so if she really likes x and y so much, I want her to have them if they help her feel comfortable, and especially if she is grateful for my efforts to get her what she wants. Offering to buy them herself and give you the receipt for reimbursement is not necessarily ungrateful; depending on how it’s said it could be a very practical suggestion–e.g. the AP gets to explore the supermarket quietly, doesn’t make you hunt around for her favorite flavors, etc.
I would probably tell her in a friendly way that I do the shopping, that I try to get what’s on sale and am very budget-minded, but that I will try to get her favorite items anyway. Or as TaCL suggests, give her a small weekly budget for her favorite items. In my view, a few extra cents or even dollars spent on another yogurt or bread each week is worth the good will of the au pair. If I truly couldn’t afford the favorite flavors, I would show the AP the grocery list and the prices and ask her to figure out what could be cut out to fit her own choices in.
We have never had any organized policy with our au pairs regarding food items, and thankfully have never had a problem so far. We just tell our APs to add whatever they want to the grocery list and all have kept their items in reason and bought any treats they wanted themselves (e.g., special candy, etc). I don’t mind buying a particular brand of cereal or juice or whatever, if that is what they like (and even if they are the only one using it), as long as it is reasonable (not very expensive) and as long as these specialty requests are limited to one or two items. Carrot juice and Frosted Flakes are fine, as long as they also expect to eat whatever type of bread, milk, meats, etc that we typically buy and consume as a family.
However, what would really bug me in this situation is an AP ‘expecting’ that you purchase what she wants and ‘telling’ you that she will give you the receipt for reimbursement. Even though it might seem trivial, how an AP presents ands asks for things makes a huge difference to me, whether it’s food, vacation time, money advances, whatever. Asking you how food is handled and who pays for what, and what is the best way for her to request particular food items is one thing, but making the assumption that you will get whatever she wants and then telling you to reimburse her is another. This outlook is concerning, particularly since she has only been there three weeks. I would have a nice, but direct conversation about it quickly.
We had an AP that would ask for specific items and I remember in particular she asked for apples. She would eat them like crazy at first and then just stopped. So, I asked her why and she replied that she was tired of them. This happened with yogurt t0o. I was very blunt and told her that when I start throwing food out I don’t buy it anymore. This is the same rule for my kids (I end up buying it again but it is usually quite some time in between). So, if you don’t let your kids ask for specific flavors – why should she? If you do this, it will be a long road of being taken advantage of.
I agree that it is very forward for her to initiate this request after 3 weeks. However, we do invite our au pairs to do some of their own shopping and leave us receipts. We explicitly tell them they are allowed to do some of their own shopping “within reason” and we have never gotten a receipt over $12. Instead of collecting receipts, why not budget an extra $10-15 into her stipend and tell her that is her food allowance to shop for her own things and let her know that she may no longer include her things on your shopping list (i.e. yogurts, beverages). You’ll probably find it more economical in the long run.
Thanks for all the great feedback. I think it was the directness of it, and how early it came up that was such an issue for me. She seems to freely spend money – going out with friends, buying new clothes, signing up for a gym membership – so she definitely isn’t pinching pennies for travel or anything.
My plan at this point is to see how it goes. If she gives me a couple receipts showing she is being mindful of what is on sale, buying store brands (as she has seen me do), and keeping it to a reasonable amount, I’m going to let it go because in all other areas she seems great. If it becomes excessive, I’ll talk to her about it and let her know I’m willing to reiumburse her for a certain amount each week (probably $10), but beyond that she is on her own.
Thanks again for the advice!
I know this is an old reply to an even older topic but I just have to toss in my two cents: nope, nope, nope! NO ONE spends my money, without asking, and then gives me receipts to be reimbursed, UNLESS he or she has cleared it with me first. I am a couponer, groceries for a house of 6 are expensive, and my AP started the habit recently of buying things willy nilly when she needed them, then expecting me to pay full retail for them. Yeah, no. I don’t even trust my husband to grocery shop without blowing our budget, so I definitely don’t trust a young adult who laughs at me diligently clipping coupons every week.
IDK if other families do this but we regularly round our AP’s pay up by 5-10 dollars a week. It never occurred to me that this is being generous because the amount set by the DoS is so odd, plus we like to reward her when she goes above and beyond ($20 for doing the dishes every night during a week, etc)but a few weeks ago when she lost it cause my kid ate her banana by mistake, I started to get kind of miffed. So our new rule is that I won’t pay for something unless it’s cleared in advance–which should have been the rule all along but I foolishly thought it was implicit.
She is definitely free to add stuff to the list and honestly there has only been one time when I said no….a few weeks ago, when she asked for an expensive out of season veggie to cook with. A, it’s January, and I don’t really buy things (besides bananas, which never grow here) out of season. B, we have that veggie frozen, and therefore perfect for cooking, and left over from the summer crop. But when I go shopping, I try every time to get her something special, either an American treat I know she likes, or something from her home country (we shop on a mil base so there is an excellent ethnic food selection).
Our newest grocery issue is that the AP, who can’t go to the base without me, LOVES to grocery shop with me, and will smile and stick things in the cart and try to be cute about it. I feel petty saying no to a $3, $4, $6 item, but when there are 10-15 of them, they add up. Plus, bordering on being an extreme couponer, I take a LONG time shopping, and I don’t like to be rushed (or, conversely, spend 45 min in the hair care aisle). I usually save about 30-45 percent off our grocery bill and I just can’t handle someone throwing something in my cart that’s not on sale. Having someone come along behind me and negate all of my savings kind of ticks me off. Plus I am one of the rare breed (I think) who actually enjoys the grocery, and it’s totally my “me” time. Is there a polite way to say “I don’t want to bring you shopping?” What I will pay for is in our handbook, and she knows that I prefer to shop alone, and that I take forever, but she seriously asks me every.single.time if she can come. Or am I just a weirdo for being so uptight about this? I’ve actually been avoiding big grocery shopping runs for a few weeks cause of it. Yeah, I’m lame.
No, you’re not lame! You are tired of losing your me time, and you can’t think through your purchasing decisions with ‘company’ and she is totally taking advantage of you by adding the small stuff she would pick up at Walgreen’s on her own dime and on her own time.
(My mom used to enjoy shopping, too. She left us 5 kids with dad for the only time during the week that he had ‘sole custody’…
)
If you can screw your courage up and be blunt, it’s probably better to say, “you know, I really like going by myself. It just works better for me.” Or if you’re feeling wimpy about it, you could just make excuses several times in a row and maybe she’ll stop asking. That’s my–decidedly lame–advice.
We’ve been getting the “cute” thing when our au pair is trying to take advantage of us (either special grocery store requests or needing a ride because she failed to plan for one or ask for the car ahead of time, usually right when I need to be making dinner), and I think the reason it really rubs me the wrong way is because it actually makes me doubt her overall honesty. I feel like I’m dealing with a salesperson on commission, rather than someone who has my back and makes my life easier. It feels like she is one more person I have to worry about pleasing and keeping happy, like I’m held hostage. It’s an uncomfortable feeling that isn’t just pettiness, it’s about the nature of the relationship the au pair is foisting on me, and maybe you’re in a similar situation.
Oh, the whole dreaded take-the-aupair-to-the-grocery store dilemma.
I don’t care if it’s petty. I don’t care what other people think. Nor our au pairs. I’ve learned over the years to never, ever, never to take them. Doesn’t matter how nice they are. Never take them. I learned this from another host family with the same hard-learned rule. It always ends with advantage taking. Trust me, the ONLY reason she wants to go with you is to slip things into the cart. She’s not being “helpful” or “friendly.” That’s a cover for what she really wants — for you to buy junk food or some speciality merchandise that she doesn’t want to shuck out the extra dollars for. Just keep that in mind at all times and leave her home and think back to your college years or what have you when you “willingly” went with your mother to the grocery store. Why? Because you wanted her to buy you toothpaste, or laundry detergent, or shampoo, or chips, or something else you’d rather not spend your hard earned beer money on.
What do I do? I shop during their “off” time. Over the weekends. Evenings. I’ll even take the kids with me if I have to. It’s just not worth it. I become too angry when they try to slip the Lindt chocolate bar in under the grapes or take it upon themselves to load up a bag of 5 lbs. of cherries (off season) for the “family” including tots who would choke on the pits if they were even to deign a taste of that unusual tot fruit.
I don’t know if you have room in your AP’s schedule for this, but I try to go grocery shopping during a time that my AP is working, with the express intent of having her watch the kiddos so that I can go shopping. I joke that I save so much more money when I don’t take the kids, but it is sooo true – I can sift through my coupons and calculate prices and purchases without anyone fighting, whining, or throwing things in my cart, which only causes me to want to rush through and get the heck out of there. Sounds like APs can pose the same problems!
This is an area that we haven’t had issues with, thankfully. Our current AP is super easy with food, only adds a couple of very reasonable items to the grocery list (usually I’m the one asking her if she wants anything). She never cooks (unless she has to for the kids), but most of the time I can live with that because she is so hassle-free in the food department.
Personally – I say don’t go lame, I’d confront her. Tell her that you wouldn’t mind taking her if she helps you with your shopping, but that you find it annoying when she throws items specifically for her alone into the cart that are expensive and over your budget. Don’t say it in a hostile way and make it clear that you don’t mind purchasing special items for her when they are on sale, and that you don’t mind rewarding her with one or two of her favorite items because she’s worked hard at X this week.
We only do a big shop once a week, although DH has been known to run out and get a few things on Thursdays when he works from home and supplies are getting low for Thursday night’s dinner or for when we are preparing an unanticipated dinner on Friday (sometimes there are no leftovers).
Our APs are always welcome to add their food preferences to the list and ALL have been reasonable — after the first couple of weeks. And that’s because when they select X, which they know and love from their own countries, and have to buy more of it on Tuesday, they all want to know what is similar and cheaper. The AP always has a shelf to herself in our pantry (as do my son and The Camel), and the idea is that no one is supposed to eat the food off that person’s shelf (although DH has been known to plow through The Camel’s cookie stash). Occasionally my son leaves evidence of having swiped something from the AP, and we come down on him hard (the last episode — a couple of months ago — was eating Nutella on her shelf — after her parents gave him a jar for his shelf!). He learned his lesson, and now swipes stuff from the common treat shelf.
Personally, I don’t begrudge my AP a jar of Nutella once in a while because she works hard and is generally agreeable (at least to my face) when we need to change her schedule because one child or the other is ill. I would never begrudge any NUTRITIOUS food. But that’s easy for me to say – DH does all the shopping.
Odd Host mom out here, but my current AP does ALL of our grocery shopping. It started when I was in the hospital in November. I gave her a list and she went. I told her to add whatever she wanted. She came back with all the things on my list, plus about $10 worth of things for herself.
Now, she and I make a list on Sundays and then she goes to the store on Mondays while I am working. She has never gone over $25 for herself and I am ok with that. She uses coupons, shops sales and uses our “bonus card” religiously!!!
For me, the time I don’t have to spend in the evening or on the weekend going for groceries is worth the extras she buys for herself.
Me too! AP does all the grocery shopping during the week. I review receipts – I’ve never felt anything she has included for herself was out of line. I also feel the extra time I gain is well worth whatever she gets for herself (and I think she appreciates the independence). So this method works really well for us.
In the beginning, I tried to keep the house stocked with my APs favorites. Until I really couldn’t afford (mentally or financially) her daily consumption of 3 yogurts 5 granola bars and a liter of (organic!) mango juice. It seemed the more I had in the house, the more and faster she ate. So I ceased purchasing it. I now buy only the big quart-sized yogurt for the family (which she won’t eat) rather than the $.99 6oz cups which disappeared before anyone else could eat any. I buy plain old orange juice and skip the mango. I ceased purchasing granola bars. Although they are incredibly convenient for kids’ car snacks, they don’t NEED them, and I rarely had any for the kids, anyway. Now several months into the austerity program, I decided to try again. Last week I bought a 24 pack of CLIF Zbars for the kids, thinking they’d last the month (or at least a few weeks) for pre- and post- practice snacks. They were gone in 5 days. The kids ate 3.
I thought AP had been incredibly considerate taking out the garbage in the afternoons before I get home from work. Now I just suspect it is a way to conceal the mountain of food packaging she produces.
The kicker? My AP has started using toddler-style positive reinforcement, praising me for my excellent shopping choices on the very few occasions when I bring home her favorite yogurt cups or granola bars.
LOL – been there, done that, learned my lesson, and stopped! It seemed whatever “treats” and lunchbox snacks I’d get, they’d all disappear within a week (kids denied having eaten them, I knew I wasn’t packing them in their lunches, and there were no wrappers or other evidence in the kitchen trash–our APs all have generally emptied their own trashcans from their rooms….) I hate having to hide and “hoard” food, so my new mantra is “If it’s in the pantry, help yourself. If you want something special, add it to the grocery list and you may get it, or a reasonable facsimile!” No complaints so far.
Yes, that was the same with us concerning milk. I would go to Costco buy the box with the 2 gallons and it would be gone in 3 days. And this was milk that we were all sharing. What ticked my husband off is the one day he decides to have cereal, goes to the fridge to get milk, and there is none. He runs to me and says “didn’t you just buy it on Sunday?” (it was a Wed) – that’s when we knew something had to be done. She had to be told that we were not a cafeteria where you can food and drink just magically appears. We decided to just buy her 1/2 one gallon of milk per week (or one gallon every two weeks) and that is hers, and hers alone. I even got a sticky and put her name on it. The half gallon is enough for an 8-10 ounce glass of milk a day, which is not depriving her of her favorites, but setting limits. If she drinks anything over that one gallon, than she buys it with her stipend. Same concept falls to any food item that we notice she eats or drinks more of, such as bread, juice, butter. On snacks, she has her own stash (example: one bag of pretzels per week) that is hers alone. SHe is not to eat from the kid’s snack pretzel bag. That is for their consumption. This new rule helped us budget ours/ and her grocery bill and it taught our AP basic life skills to be considerate of others.
I love that some of you have your APs do the shopping–that’s fantastic if it works for you! The grocery just happens to be one of my “issues.”
I’m a bit of a control freak about some things and between living in one of the highest cost of living areas in the US and recently having completed a foreign adoption, saving money is definitely at the tippety-top of the list.
Anyway, I think I *may* take her one more time, just cause I told her she could go with me a few weeks ago but we only had an hour, and it wasn’t enough time to schlepp to the base which is farther than safeway or the other of a handful of stores where I can shop when pressed for time. But whether I come right out and say “I’m not taking you” or just schedule my trips for Saturday before noon and hope the AP’s “she’s going SHOPPING!” radar doesn’t wake her up, that will be the last time. At the moment I am a commuter and take the train to work but in the spring my office is moving to an area where I’ll have to drive, and I’ll pass right by the base on the way home, so at that point I will just do what makes sense and go alone after work.
I also try to be very conscious of the amount of waste we produce (living in Germany made me that way–I still have nightmares of 5 different trash cans, our trash allowance of 35 liters a week, with 2 kids in diapers, and having to separate the little plastic window from a paper envelope before I could recycle it). As Pippa mentioned, the $1 yogurt cups just don’t make sense to me, nor do other convenience foods except when we are really in a pinch. And don’t even get me started on bottled water. But as much as I would love to be able to buy my AP as much healthy food as she wants, we can’t afford extravagance usually, and we also have principles (buy local, buy fresh, buy in season, coffee is the best energy drink)that I’m not always willing to compromise on with our family budget. Lesson learned for the next handbook I suppose. Oh, and TaCL, good advice–but almost word for word what you said in your first paragraph (after if she helps you) is in our family handbook, so insert big “why is this still an issue?” sigh.
The one I’m having trouble with right now is food for our au pair’s guests. We’re pretty lenient on guests – I truly don’t mind having them and all her visitors have been lovely. We hosted her boyfriend for two weeks, her sister for one week and her three friends are coming for two weeks this summer (though they are only actually staying with us for four nights – they will be at a close-by hostel the other nights). Also, our au pair has friends come to watch movies once or twice a week.
The issue is that they eat our food. I really don’t mind having a friend over for dinner every once in a while, but feeding her sister breakfast, lunch and dinner for seven days was too much. And at her weekly movie nights, they eat our snacks. So I frequently wake up Sunday morning to all our pretzels gone, or no milk because they all had chocolate milk. And she does not replace these items or offer to pay.
I should have said something in the beginning and I definitely want to say something before her three friends come, but I don’t want to be a jerk and calculate out the cost of every bagel with cream cheese her friends eat for breakfast after sleeping over.
How do you deal with food for guests and visitors? Did you just make it clear up front? This is the one thing I’m starting to become resentful about, so I want to try to deal with it sooner rather than later. Even if I decide just to let it go since she’s otherwise pretty great.
You are REALLY generous, your AP should be very grateful and should offer to contribute to guests’ costs. As should the guests! I can’t imagine staying in someone’s house for more than a day or two without offering to “go shopping” or to at least buy the ingredients for one big meal for everyone.
I guess you need an amiably-formulated policy, like “guests should please contribute groceries or throw in some cash toward groceries”, and if it needs to be more specific how about $10 per guest per day?
But if the AP is otherwise reasonable it might be enough to say to her that you are feeling the drain on the grocery budget with all of her guests–whom you are otherwise so pleased to host–so could she consider what kind of solution might work for getting some grocery assistance? If she comes up with the terms for solving the problem it would be ideal, in my view.
My attitude is that food is meant to be eaten and so I don’t charge my au pairs for food that they or their friends consume. I will say, that in general, when my APs (I’m on #6 now) have had a group of friends over, that they have tended to purchase their own food for consumption in the house. If something is consumed, I would want to know with at least a note (Sorry, I finished the milk last night) left for me so I could head the store on a Sunday morning to get more.
We have hosted other APs for a few days (friends met at orientation, friends from the home country who were APs elsewhere, friends from the home country visiting, AP friends in rematch) and we haven’t charged them for food or board. We have also hosted family members, and for them we ask that they cook a meal from their countries (usually they do more than one).
I think that if you have found that feeding family and friends makes you unhappy that you should adjust your rulebook for the next AP. (You don’t mention how much time your current one has left.) However, I would recommend taking your current AP aside and ask her to replace items like milk that the kids need for their breakfasts on a Sunday morning when she and her friends consume everything on a Saturday night. For example, “I’m glad to see that you and your friends enjoy getting together here. It makes me happy to see them around. However, I’m not happy when you finish all the snacks that were meant for everyone in the house to enjoy.” Encourage her, when she is inviting friends to ask them each to bring a snack or drink to share.
The trick is to be gracious and while being firm. In my experience, being gracious without being a pushover generally wins you more respect from your AP than nickel and diming her (especially if her friends’ HF are less than gracious).
Thanks to you both for the feedback. I’m torn about this one – we’re definitely not nickel-and-dimers and really our pair has been fabulous in all other ways, so I’m not willing to mess up the relationship for this issue. It is actually in our handbook – a little line in the “guests” section that just says that she is responsible for the cost of any food for guests. I’m sure she doesn’t even know it’s there though – it’s pretty buried. We only have two more months with this au pair, so I dont think there’s anything I’ll do for this one. I just wanted to see what the “norm” is for guest food, since it’s a tough one not to sound obnoxious on. Because really…her sister probably ate $25 worth of food that week, which is definitely not a hardship for us. I think I was just irritated that she didn’t offer to cook a meal or swing by the store when they were out to pick up more bagels since that’s what they ate every morning. And then coming down to no milk this morning (when I had a half gallon last night when I went to bed) was pretty irritating.
I think I’ll just let it go with this one and make it a little more clear in the handbook for the next time that while we are more than happy to have guests (and actually really do enjoy it), that we’d appreciate if they’d pitch in a bit.
If anyone else has input into how guest food works in their house, I’d love it – thanks!
If she’s a short-timer and she’s been fabulous, and take a deep breath. It’s too late to change anything (and there are great sections on this list about the issues of the last couple of months).
In my experience, when everything is going great, I can overlook just about anything – and when it’s not every little thing sets me off. (And as the end draws near, I’m more likely to be irritated – somehow it’s a little easier to say goodbye to a beloved AP if you’re a little upset than not – and the trick is not to let it end that way).
So – let the food issues go with this AP and decide what you want for the next AP. But, I do think it’s okay to take her aside when the kids are not around, and say, “I love it when you’re friends are around and the fact that you feel comfortable entertaining here. One thing that is bothering me is that there was no milk for breakfast Sunday morning. If you had just left me a note – ‘Sorry for drinking all the milk,’ then I would have felt better about driving to the store to get milk for the kids.” Keep it light, keep the tone gentle, but it will serve to remind her that she is sharing.
My best AP house guests (aside from parents, to whom I make it clear to my AP that they should just cook us a typical meal from their country – and who in general go above and beyond in being good guests) are the APs that either play with the kids or do the dishes after dinner – because it’s a nice thing to do when someone is feeding you. The worst are those that sullenly sit through dinner and barely give an answer to a question designed to get them to open up.
Thanks again. We talked it over and have decided to let this issue go since she’s otherwise terrific and it’s not like they’re eating us out of house and home
we’ll just be considering how we want to address this in our handbook for next time – we’ll probably make our expectations more clear that we would appreciate guests to chip in (preferably by making us a meal from their home country!!) 
Just a tip:
When the next AP wants x & y to come over – or asks if guests can visit -(before you say yes) during that conversation tell her to look over the guest section in your handbook – I keep my handbook in the kitchen and I just grab it and hand it to my AP.
Tell her you would like her to be familar with the expectations in the guest section, i.e. whether you are asking for $10.00 per day or for a cooked meal during the visit (or if it a movie night to bring their own snacks/drinks) – you are reminding her at the “yes” stage that there are terms and conditions.
I was doing some research for arts & crafts projects and came across this excel spreadsheet to keep track of both hygeine and food storage, maybe it’d be kind of hard or overwhelming for the AP to use at first but some customization and instructions from the HPs might help
http://gardenberger.blogspot.com/2011/05/years-supply-of-hygeine-storage.html
We had this same issue with our AP. We had never hosted an AP before and had no clue on these things Our AP is German, and 24 years.
We are the generous types that when you stay in our home, you can eat/drink whatever we have. Boy, we were we wrong! My husband said it was okay to have a beer or have some wine. I said okay too but regretted our decision after 4 months. Our AP thought that our milk, juice, bread, butter, yogurt, etc., came from an neverending supply. 2 gallons of milk gone in a week, and that is milk we all share. There are 3 kids under 5 that drink milk too. I thought that was rude and just plain greedy. The bread was going at a rate of 2 loaves a week. It was out of control. Also, our beer and wine supply were slowly being depleted. My husband notices when his beer is missing from the fridge when he just bought it.
I was starting to get resentful as it was hurting our pocket book that we had to have a family meeting and compromise. We would buy her a half gallon of milk a week, a loaf of bread a week, a half gallon of juice of week, and we cut out her drinking our alcohol completely. Anything over what I buy that she eats a lot of, then she can buy out of her stipend. Example, if she consumes more than one loaf a week, then she buys the second loaf. I know this seems petty but this also teaches common sense. We know darn well that back in Germany she didn’t have a neverending pocket book. Meaning that if it was Wed, and she wasn’t getting to the store till Sat, that she would have to ration what she had until she got to the store, or until she had money. Same concept in our household. Re the alcohol our NEW policy is she can buy her own and store it in the fridge, garage, for her own personal use, but we are NOT providing it any longer. I started thinking about the alcohol thing and wondered to myself in the 4 months that it was a free for all, she did not replace one bottle, or even a six pack! Not even a “hey, I’ve been drinking your beer this month so here’s a 12 pack”. Anway, our new rules worked out great and we haven’t had a problem since. This will now be in our handbook for the next AP.
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