For many of us, a new au pair’s arrival is a chance to start fresh, with revised guidelines, new resolutions, and a new attitude.
The easiest way to have a fresh start is to have a clean break between outgoing and incoming au pairs. So, even though there are many positive reasons for having your outgoing and incoming au pairs overlap, many of us prefer to have a complete separation between the old and the new au pair. Probably the biggest concern we have about overlap is keeping the old au pair from sharing biased, incorrect, or soon-to-be-outdated information with the new au pair.
Well, here’s a situation about the ‘disappointing’ departing au pair contacting the incoming au pair, against the family’s wishes — and why? Maybe innocently, maybe with the intent to spoil the situation for the host family. There are lots of pieces to this story– Facebook, not extending, already bad situation, and more:
You all may remember me from a while back. I needed advice about feeling our Au Pair treated us like a doormat. Many of you (maybe all) said I should rematch. I decided to stick it out and not much changed. She is leaving soon and we can start fresh.
I recently discovered that our departing Au Pair has made contact with the Au Pair scheduled to arrive next month. I was furious. I learned this from our current Au Pair’s facebook account. Even though we had told her months ago, that we was not going to extend her and I spoke to her about what her plans were, she must have believed we would change our minds and extend her. She somehow discovered Sunday that we had already selected another girl. On her Facebook account she asked her other Au Pair friends did they know of a family in our area that needed an Au Pair, because she found out we have another girl coming and she wants to stay in this area. The responses were in her native language, but with the help of free translation available over the internet, one of her responses was that she hated us.
That was when I noticed that she was facebook friends with our arriving Au Pair. She found her name from our Au Pair’s company website and contacted her. I confronted her and asked her what reason she had to do that. She really had no response. I admit I was very upset and yelled at her. I told her she is lucky if I do not throw her out of the house for doing that.
For various reasons, we don’t want them to be in contact. They speak different languages, but it is possible for the new au pair to understand the departing Au Pair’s language and read the negative things she says about our family. For instance the I hate them comment. She also said we treat her as if she is invisible, but she doesn’t care she prefers to stay in her room and talk to her bf over the internet. Those are the few comments we have read and took the time out to translate. Who knows what else she has said. We also had decided to start fresh with the new Au Pair and initially she will not be given the same privileges the departing Au Pair always had. We do not want her sharing what we allowed her to do, because we have decided to be more strict with the new Au Pair than we had been with her.
For the sake of her finding a rematch, I decided not to write a letter of recommendation and not to speak with the departing Au Pair’s potential host families. I cannot in good faith give her a recommendation, because I find her to be deceitful. I do believe she has the potential of being a better Au Pair. She just needs more structure and someone to stay on her case 24/7. Luckily, the Au Pair coordinator did not return my call yesterday when I first discovered she contacted the new Au Pair, or I would have said she had to go. I have a cooler head now. I asked both of them to “unfriend” the other and am trying not to let this get me and the arriving Au Pair off to a bad start. Has this ever happened to any other Au Pair Mom’s? Am I wrong to feel this was an invasion of our privacy and maybe perhaps the departing Au Pair’s attempt to dissuade the Arriving Au Pair from coming, so that she can stay.
My husband took away all her internet/txt privileges due to the ‘I hate them comment’. I just don’t know — if we’ve made her mad, can we trust her to treat our children right???
What would you do now?
Note, Jan 10th: Folks, I have closed the comments on this particular post. While I was distracted by work (!!) the comments went crazy here! I am going to look closely at what you all have been sharing these last 3 days or so, and report back. In the meantime, we’ll address some simpler challenges, like visas & extending… Thanks to all of you who have been commenting and also doing your best to nurture and direct the conversation in productive ways. cv
Photo: wells 3 from tim caynes
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The anger that is on this thread is something we should all think about. This touches something very deep. Celebrity nanny agencies make their employees sign a contract stating that they will not discuss their host familes or write books about them. These agencies also cost a fortune.
Make no mistake. Nannies talk about us too. So do the cleaning ladies. We just don’t know about it because the social relationship is different. Those women know their livlihoods depend upon not gossipping.
The world has completely changed with Facebook , My Space, etc.
Many of us did not grow up with live in help. We have no frame of reference to draw upon.
I read that when the Kennedy’s nanny, Maud Shaw , wrote a book about her life with the Kennedys, Mrs. Kennedy cut off all contact
between the nanny and the children. Was that nice ? No. Was it fair ? Sure. Crying and whining to your LCC is perfectly fine in my book. Going on Facebook is not ok.
This thread has the ring of class warfare. No, families are not always nice or not what you fantasized about. That is part of the experience.
Some aupairs have a great attitude of entitlement. Most of us worked very hard for what we have and have made some very hard choices. If a friend talks in a mean way about you, what would you do?
It`s really hard to find a family-AP match that is flowers all the time…In family relationships there is alwyas arguments and some not talking to….
Before I came I had contact with old Au Pairs, one because I was interested in to know more about the family and I was to shy to ask, and actually my future-to-be host family gave me her number since she was from the same country, the communication would be better… and she told me everything.. the good things and not so good things… I`ve always had my point of view about things and I always try to give people a chance to prove different and not act with prejudice.. so I came… I met friends of old APs and I met one that told me terrible things about my host family and i had just gotten here. I listened everything she said and I didn`t change with my host family.
I believe you “make place” pleasant or as a business. I really like my family, but I had some moments I wished to be gone, but what people usually forget and don`t value is what you`ve done until now doesn`t count you did something wrong and you are going to “pay” for it.
I know that everybody has different a personality and react in different ways, but we should have an openned mind and vision to deal with things with a commom sense.
There is no perfect AP and there is no perfect Host family. We are both different individual coming from different cultures living in the same house trying to get along with.
As an AP I`d really be disappointed and sad about cutting the internet privileges, I`d rather talk about it. but if this is the way you chose to deal with you will harvest the seed you plant, but I do not believe your kids will be harm, well I`m speaking for myself…
Good luck with the new AP, and please to not make her pay for what the other AP did.
The biggest issue here is that the first aupair is using her host family’s
property, services and resources to hurt them. No employer would ever permit that. The other problem is that the host parents -
or any of us just do not have any control over what other people say about us. That is why gossip and slander are forbidden in most religions and in many states and countries. It is often most effective to ignore vivious gossip than to try to fight it.
What I don’t quite understand is why , if the old aupair is so angry at the family , why she would tell the new aupair about all the nice things they did for her. This doesn’t make sense. ( I hate them because I never had a curfrew, I hate them because they always drove me places etc ?)
Yes, she can go to the library or a cafe to use Facebook. Let her do that. Why should anyone allow someone to sit in their living room writing mean things about them at their expense .
I´m sure when she sad “i hate them” this for you host mom and host dad nothing about the kids.
Took away all her internet/txt privileges will not work!!
Ssure it will work or so many people would not think it was unfair.
What the HF have to understant is that internet/txt privileges IT IS NOT A PRIVILEGE.!!!!
iF you dont offer internet, cellphone, car(IF YOU LIVE FAR), texts, you never will find an aupair !!! or you find an au pair that just want to come do US and leave you!
Does every au pair have all this at her own home (internet, cell phone, text, car that is all her own)?
What you have to understand that it is a privilege. At home, I bet the majority of au pairs don’t have unfettered access to a car, if they live with their parents they have to tell them where they are going and be back at a reasonable hour, and have to help out with housework unless they have a servant. Families who hire aupairs in US don’t have servants; they are their own servant and you have to pitch in as another adult in the household. Didn’t your parents bring you up this way?
You speak like a person who doesn’t know how much things cost and who was provided for by mommy and daddy all her life. What we are required to offer according to the agency, is a room, food, and transportation to and from cluster meetings and classes.
I offer all that you think is a right for the au pair by the way, but for a text plan she pays herself. It is extra on my bill, and I don’t text – I provide a cell phone not for her personal enjoyment, but for job purposes, for her safety and my peace of mind, so I can know she is safe and my kids are safe. And personal use of a cell phone is a perk. All texting she does is personal, so she pays for it, just as she pays for her phone calls home (not applicable this year because she uses skype for that, but in principle). These are variable expenses and depending on the use, can cost me a lot every month.
If she wants her own phone, it will cost her $50 month, not $10 that she currently pays for texting and I pay the rest. I think she got a pretty good deal.
About the car – I know of clusters in Long Island, where you NEED a car to get around, where almost none of the families offer a car. My friend is a hostparent there and her au pair is the only one who has a car. Guess what, they all find au pairs every year… Maybe not the girls who are used to being waited on and every whim of theirs filfilled immediately, but I am sure they are pretty happy with that.
@rafaela i absolutely do not agree with you! there are many great families out there who do not offer what you listed.
and i believe that flashing amenities will draw in the wrong APs, those who take everything for granted, those who have no concept about money and how to spend it wisely.
noone who enters the AP program subsequently gains the right to drive a car, to have a cell phone, or to have an internet access. your rights are stated in the AP contract. they did not say anything about texting, last time i checked.
Totally agree with franzi there. I don’t want an au pair who expected the world especially right off the bat when they haven’t proven how reliable, trustworthy, etc. they are. I had basic cell phone not texts, had to share car, etc. with first au pair. he was great, worked hard, and understood this is what we could afford at the time and worked around things. To me that is a selfish au pair who wants the world for nothing. no thanks go home gladly or find a rich family who can give you everything. I may not be rich but I treat my au pairs in small and big ways and they become part of the family
I pay for my own transport and phone and use the internet when I want, but sometimes have use of the car when I am not picking up the children, my family are very generous. If you provide the means of communication then that is a basic as is food, however, you can deduct it from her pay. This must all be agreed before and stuck to. I don’t understand families that expect au pairs to pay the phone bill unless used excessively why can’t they make a call for free once a week?
because the phone call is not free. Without the international plan (extra), it can be $.25/minute international rate or even more. One hour phone call once a week – $15. If it is “free” for aupair, I doubt she will keep it down to one hour. Per month, extra $60. Not pennies for me, sorry. If au pair is responsible for her own phone calls, she will buy an international calling card which can have rates as cheap as 3 to 5 cents a minute.
If you mean cell phone, I pay for her line and basic minutes. I don’t pay for exceeding them (never happened yet, the allowance is generous) and for texting. She also uses the house phone free for domestic calls (all over US).
I think many young people have the idea that we , the host parents should just hand over the phone, a car, access to our house for guests, visitors and parties and keep the work to an absolute minimum The truth is that we all work very hard for what we have earned.
Internet access is indeed an extra ; a cell phone for your personal use is extra.
recreational use of the car is an extra ;special treats are extra ; Anna is right : food and a room to live. Certainly you can make a calls now and then but for God’s sake. How many employers pay for a free cell phone, a free car, extra days off and freedom to run the shop exactly as you please. That is absurd. I have heard plenty of stories about terrible host parents but some of these demands from the aupairs show that there are aupairs who are totally off the board , too, in terms of exspectations.
There is such a large gap here between expectations held by host families and expectations held by au pairs. Most of the host families in this forum continuously refer to au pairs as “employees” or compare them to employees in numerous ways, which set up certain expectations for how they au pair should act/function/need. Au pairs state that they are not employees – since they are living in your home (and most people don’t live with their employer) and want to be treated equally as any member of the family and have access to things like the rest of the family (internet/car/phone).
What are some solutions for bridging this gap which is obviously creating a huge amount of problems?
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