Comments on: When you initiate rematch, can you ask your Au Pair to leave immediately? http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:01:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Dorsi http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-20009 Dorsi Thu, 13 Oct 2011 21:11:14 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-20009 It is not at all clear that there is no ability to take classes close to home. Or that there is no ability to socialize close to home. The only thing that is clear is that the events that the au pair wants to do are not close to home. So, she can change her expectations or change her home (with what appears to be very little regard for the family she matched with or their children). It is not at all clear that there is no ability to take classes close to home. Or that there is no ability to socialize close to home. The only thing that is clear is that the events that the au pair wants to do are not close to home. So, she can change her expectations or change her home (with what appears to be very little regard for the family she matched with or their children).

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]]> By: EmmieJane http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-20007 EmmieJane Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:32:11 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-20007 The key here in both the situation above and the situation where au pairs are driving other people is that the HF communicates expectations about the car. For prospective au pairs, you need to ask in advance as well about transportation. We wish our au pair could drive and have a car available for her to drive, but she is struggling with the actual driving. I give her rides as much as possible when asked. We live in an urban area, so buses and taxis are very available. That said, she gets rides with friends a lot. I have absolutely no control over this; I assume that if a HF does not want their au pair to be a taxi, they will make this clear to their au pair. It never occured to me before she came (our first au pair) that she would get as many rides as she does. I've seen other comments expressing frustration with HFs for using other au pairs for transportation, and honestly, I have no idea what the HF with driving au pairs would want me to do about it. I am not involved in any way. We have a car and if she was an acceptable driver, we would let her use it. We live in a big city and there is plenty of transportation, but usually she works it out with a friend. I can't tell her to take the bus instead. Most of the time, I don't even know where she is going or who is driving her. It is clear that these are tough issues, and I just think HFs need to be clear. I also think au pairs need to understand before they arrive whether or not they will have access to a car. If they won't, ask what realistic options there are for other transportation. The key here in both the situation above and the situation where au pairs are driving other people is that the HF communicates expectations about the car. For prospective au pairs, you need to ask in advance as well about transportation.

We wish our au pair could drive and have a car available for her to drive, but she is struggling with the actual driving. I give her rides as much as possible when asked. We live in an urban area, so buses and taxis are very available. That said, she gets rides with friends a lot. I have absolutely no control over this; I assume that if a HF does not want their au pair to be a taxi, they will make this clear to their au pair. It never occured to me before she came (our first au pair) that she would get as many rides as she does.

I’ve seen other comments expressing frustration with HFs for using other au pairs for transportation, and honestly, I have no idea what the HF with driving au pairs would want me to do about it. I am not involved in any way. We have a car and if she was an acceptable driver, we would let her use it. We live in a big city and there is plenty of transportation, but usually she works it out with a friend. I can’t tell her to take the bus instead. Most of the time, I don’t even know where she is going or who is driving her.

It is clear that these are tough issues, and I just think HFs need to be clear. I also think au pairs need to understand before they arrive whether or not they will have access to a car. If they won’t, ask what realistic options there are for other transportation.

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]]> By: German Au-Pair http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-20005 German Au-Pair Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:41:23 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-20005 Thank you Melissa, that is EXACTLY what I meant! I don't mind driving an extra hour when we are actually doing something and my hostparents don't mind that either. But I hear about many au pairs who spend a lot of time during their off hours with friends at starbucks or just meeting for lunch somehwere when the kids are at school. And for me it wouldn't seem reasonable or fair to my hostparents to add an extra hour (and the miles that go with it) to a simple activity like that on a regular basis. Thank you Melissa, that is EXACTLY what I meant!
I don’t mind driving an extra hour when we are actually doing something and my hostparents don’t mind that either.
But I hear about many au pairs who spend a lot of time during their off hours with friends at starbucks or just meeting for lunch somehwere when the kids are at school.
And for me it wouldn’t seem reasonable or fair to my hostparents to add an extra hour (and the miles that go with it) to a simple activity like that on a regular basis.

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]]> By: MommyMia http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-20003 MommyMia Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:31:14 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-20003 Also, there is the educational component to factor in. If you you are going to complete this requirement, you need to discuss with your HF how you will get to the necessary classes - will they drive you, or will your schedule be adjusted so that you can fit an evening class and still make the last bus departure home? Don't forget to mention this when talking with your family and LCC. Also, there is the educational component to factor in. If you you are going to complete this requirement, you need to discuss with your HF how you will get to the necessary classes – will they drive you, or will your schedule be adjusted so that you can fit an evening class and still make the last bus departure home? Don’t forget to mention this when talking with your family and LCC.

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]]> By: Should be working http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-20002 Should be working Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:17:20 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-20002 I know APs that have accepted matches not realizing what things like this would mean: a. curfews of 10pm weekdays/11pm weekends b. no use of car and living 2 miles up a steep, winding, dark hill 3 miles from a lively urban area c. work schedule that includes weekend days and evenings, and time off is during the week (when other au pairs are not free) Why do they accept these matches? They don't know to ASK about these things; they don't understand how in many parts of the US public transport really is not a good option; they are so excited at the time of matching that they don't do the reality check. And honestly, I can see how this happens. We HPs KNOW what all this means, matching and rules and curfews and cars. For young women who have never been anywhere else, they really don't know what it means to choose a year of life in a very different situation. They have stars in their eyes, and the agencies do not give them the strongly-worded reality check that they need. They are so excited to get a match, and often have not had enough matches to compare, that they don't understand the range of options. It seems to me that the agencies could provide the AP candidates with a bunch of fictional "match profiles" so that APs could understand the kinds of things they need to pay attention to in order to know whether they would, in real life, be happy in those situations. Obviously some of the APs, e.g. more mature ones or sometimes ones from W. Eur. countries who may have more a sense of life in the US, will do this homework and think it out. But the agencies might take more responsibility in educating the naive ones. I know APs that have accepted matches not realizing what things like this would mean:

a. curfews of 10pm weekdays/11pm weekends
b. no use of car and living 2 miles up a steep, winding, dark hill 3 miles from a lively urban area
c. work schedule that includes weekend days and evenings, and time off is during the week (when other au pairs are not free)

Why do they accept these matches? They don’t know to ASK about these things; they don’t understand how in many parts of the US public transport really is not a good option; they are so excited at the time of matching that they don’t do the reality check.

And honestly, I can see how this happens. We HPs KNOW what all this means, matching and rules and curfews and cars. For young women who have never been anywhere else, they really don’t know what it means to choose a year of life in a very different situation. They have stars in their eyes, and the agencies do not give them the strongly-worded reality check that they need. They are so excited to get a match, and often have not had enough matches to compare, that they don’t understand the range of options.

It seems to me that the agencies could provide the AP candidates with a bunch of fictional “match profiles” so that APs could understand the kinds of things they need to pay attention to in order to know whether they would, in real life, be happy in those situations.

Obviously some of the APs, e.g. more mature ones or sometimes ones from W. Eur. countries who may have more a sense of life in the US, will do this homework and think it out. But the agencies might take more responsibility in educating the naive ones.

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]]> By: Melissa http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-19998 Melissa Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:14:21 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-19998 I do think that an AP's situation is unique because it is not HER car. While giving rides to friends who need it is one thing if it's your own car, such as if I choose to pick my friends or my kids friends up whenver they need a ride, an AP has to consider that it is not her car and she can't use it however she pleases. As German Au Pair seems to be saying, it is all about finding a balance. Occasional rides out of your way to pick up an AP friend without a car is fine, such as a weekend outing or night out at the movies. But adding a couple extra hours driving and mileage each week for multiple Starbucks or mall trips is unreasonable in my household and with my car. Also, while I understand that some HFs do not need or want their APs driving their car, it is not reasonable to expect that other APs who have access to the HF car be responsible for driving them around. Again, it's all about balance. We give our APs pretty generous use of a very nice 3rd car. They're welcome to pick up their friends, but not on a constant basis. We have another thread on this somewhere, but it is unfair to those HFs who provide cars if their APs become the taxi drivers for others. If you do not provide a car to your AP, which is fine of course, it is up to the HF to ensure that she can get around somehow. Unless the area is really rural, I think there are usually some forms of transportation around that enable her to get to basic activities (coffee places, gym, library, stores, church). If there really is no way to get anywhere, then the HF needs to rethink their transportation policy or be willing to drive her on a regular basis. I do think that an AP’s situation is unique because it is not HER car. While giving rides to friends who need it is one thing if it’s your own car, such as if I choose to pick my friends or my kids friends up whenver they need a ride, an AP has to consider that it is not her car and she can’t use it however she pleases. As German Au Pair seems to be saying, it is all about finding a balance. Occasional rides out of your way to pick up an AP friend without a car is fine, such as a weekend outing or night out at the movies. But adding a couple extra hours driving and mileage each week for multiple Starbucks or mall trips is unreasonable in my household and with my car.

Also, while I understand that some HFs do not need or want their APs driving their car, it is not reasonable to expect that other APs who have access to the HF car be responsible for driving them around. Again, it’s all about balance. We give our APs pretty generous use of a very nice 3rd car. They’re welcome to pick up their friends, but not on a constant basis. We have another thread on this somewhere, but it is unfair to those HFs who provide cars if their APs become the taxi drivers for others. If you do not provide a car to your AP, which is fine of course, it is up to the HF to ensure that she can get around somehow. Unless the area is really rural, I think there are usually some forms of transportation around that enable her to get to basic activities (coffee places, gym, library, stores, church). If there really is no way to get anywhere, then the HF needs to rethink their transportation policy or be willing to drive her on a regular basis.

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]]> By: southern HM1 http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-19997 southern HM1 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:03:50 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-19997 This could also be a financial issue for the family. Maybe they did not realize the expense of adding an AP to their insurance policy and are not willing to do so if they don't need you to drive the kids. In other words, it may have nothing to do with your driving skills, age, or level of maturity. You won't know until you discuss it, but I am wondering what your understanding of the driving situation was when you agreed to match with this family? Also, it does sound like you are dealing with bigger issues related to adjusting to a new country and I agree that speaking w/ your LCC might go a long way towards helping you feel more connected to the AP community. This could also be a financial issue for the family. Maybe they did not realize the expense of adding an AP to their insurance policy and are not willing to do so if they don’t need you to drive the kids. In other words, it may have nothing to do with your driving skills, age, or level of maturity. You won’t know until you discuss it, but I am wondering what your understanding of the driving situation was when you agreed to match with this family? Also, it does sound like you are dealing with bigger issues related to adjusting to a new country and I agree that speaking w/ your LCC might go a long way towards helping you feel more connected to the AP community.

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]]> By: Taking a Computer Lunch http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-19996 Taking a Computer Lunch Thu, 13 Oct 2011 11:25:32 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-19996 No, we disagree. DH and I have driven over an hour out of our way to drive friends home from gatherings and bars, and we do it out of love and respect for friends and because we had a car and they didn't. Now, if one of my son's friends needs a ride to or from our home, I don't hesitate. I drive out of my way to pick up children for baseball and soccer practice because I am able. In my opinion, a good friend doesn't complain about driving 15 minutes out of the way, even if it adds up to an extra hour of their life. I had one AP who used to make her friends take the bus, sometimes for over an hour, even though she had free access to a car and could have been there and back in 20-30 minutes. It irked me endlessly, to begrudge a friend in that way, and yet they liked her company enough to put up with it. Most of my APs have driven friends without quibbling, and I think that's what surprised me the most about AP #6's behavior. However, in saying one has to think outside the box - driving a car is not the only solution to getting around. One of my APs, who wanted to party, took taxis with friends. Yes, it was expensive, but it gave her the freedom to come and go as she pleased without the worry of a DUI ticket. Finally, I think sad au pair's issues go far beyond the ability to drive. I think her own isolation is the issue. She may have dreamed of a big city life in America and found herself in the suburbs (which, by the way, I imagine is where 90% of APs end up). The trick is, can she make a life for herself, knowing that she has a great HF, or will she mope endlessly hoping that 1) her HPs cave and let her drive, 2) someone else will find a solution for her isolation, or 3) rematch and take her chances with another family that will let her drive a car (personally if I were interviewing her and found that her reason for leaving was over driving privileges, the I wouldn't be interested). No, we disagree. DH and I have driven over an hour out of our way to drive friends home from gatherings and bars, and we do it out of love and respect for friends and because we had a car and they didn’t. Now, if one of my son’s friends needs a ride to or from our home, I don’t hesitate. I drive out of my way to pick up children for baseball and soccer practice because I am able. In my opinion, a good friend doesn’t complain about driving 15 minutes out of the way, even if it adds up to an extra hour of their life.

I had one AP who used to make her friends take the bus, sometimes for over an hour, even though she had free access to a car and could have been there and back in 20-30 minutes. It irked me endlessly, to begrudge a friend in that way, and yet they liked her company enough to put up with it. Most of my APs have driven friends without quibbling, and I think that’s what surprised me the most about AP #6′s behavior.

However, in saying one has to think outside the box – driving a car is not the only solution to getting around. One of my APs, who wanted to party, took taxis with friends. Yes, it was expensive, but it gave her the freedom to come and go as she pleased without the worry of a DUI ticket.

Finally, I think sad au pair’s issues go far beyond the ability to drive. I think her own isolation is the issue. She may have dreamed of a big city life in America and found herself in the suburbs (which, by the way, I imagine is where 90% of APs end up). The trick is, can she make a life for herself, knowing that she has a great HF, or will she mope endlessly hoping that 1) her HPs cave and let her drive, 2) someone else will find a solution for her isolation, or 3) rematch and take her chances with another family that will let her drive a car (personally if I were interviewing her and found that her reason for leaving was over driving privileges, the I wouldn’t be interested).

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]]> By: Dorsi http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-19994 Dorsi Thu, 13 Oct 2011 04:13:48 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-19994 We don't have our APs drive because we don't need our children driven anywhere, we have access to public transportation and the expense and risk associated with having an AP drive is totally not worth it for us, right now. We are quite upfront about this in the matching process. It has nothing to do with our level of trust with the au pair, nothing to do with whether we think she is a good/safe driver, nothing to do with being strict and relaxing later. We don't want or need someone in our cars. I think we are kind and generous in many ways; just not transportation. If an AP does not like that idea, she should match with another family; we are not right for her. I think sad au pair might be a bit melodramatic. Maybe she lives in a part of the country whose demographics I don't understand well. Where I live, if there is bus service, there must be some urban area. Are there other 20-somethings that live in the town you live in? Do they all go to the big city for all of their socializing? Are there no coffee shops/bars/theaters in the area you live in? I think this is unlikely (however, it may be true in some parts of the country -- but in my experience, places that don't have bars don't have bus service.) Maybe sad au pair is looking for a certain type of interaction that is only available in the big city -- a club scene more like what she left at home. Maybe you need to readjust your expectations of what a year in America would be like, and do more of the things that the local people do. Join a church group? A sports team? Book club? I am honestly curious why you matched in a town that seems to have nothing to offer you and to a family with no car. Did you know either of these things when you matched? Did you think you could change them when you got here (find new family, convince them to let you drive, etc.?) We don’t have our APs drive because we don’t need our children driven anywhere, we have access to public transportation and the expense and risk associated with having an AP drive is totally not worth it for us, right now. We are quite upfront about this in the matching process. It has nothing to do with our level of trust with the au pair, nothing to do with whether we think she is a good/safe driver, nothing to do with being strict and relaxing later. We don’t want or need someone in our cars. I think we are kind and generous in many ways; just not transportation. If an AP does not like that idea, she should match with another family; we are not right for her.

I think sad au pair might be a bit melodramatic. Maybe she lives in a part of the country whose demographics I don’t understand well. Where I live, if there is bus service, there must be some urban area. Are there other 20-somethings that live in the town you live in? Do they all go to the big city for all of their socializing? Are there no coffee shops/bars/theaters in the area you live in? I think this is unlikely (however, it may be true in some parts of the country — but in my experience, places that don’t have bars don’t have bus service.) Maybe sad au pair is looking for a certain type of interaction that is only available in the big city — a club scene more like what she left at home. Maybe you need to readjust your expectations of what a year in America would be like, and do more of the things that the local people do. Join a church group? A sports team? Book club?

I am honestly curious why you matched in a town that seems to have nothing to offer you and to a family with no car. Did you know either of these things when you matched? Did you think you could change them when you got here (find new family, convince them to let you drive, etc.?)

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]]> By: German Au-Pair http://AuPairMom.com/when-you-initiate-rematch-can-you-ask-your-au-pair-to-leave-immediately/2010/07/22/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-19993 German Au-Pair Thu, 13 Oct 2011 04:12:04 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3849#comment-19993 I think you missunderstood me here. First, do we actually mean the same? What I mean is that fa friend lives 15 minutes out of my way from the place we would meet. That makes 15 minutes to get the friend, 15 to get back the place and the same procedure afterwards. That adds up to one hour. Did you mean the 30-45 TOTAL or actually 4 times like explained above? (If you actually meant driving 2 to 3 hours extra just for an ordinary movie night or something like that, then you have my deep respect! I would never do that on a regular basis!) It seems unreasonable to drive one hour extra for spending half an hour at Star Bucks getting a coffee for example. For the occasional night out -no problem. But I would not do that every day. Also my hostparents pay for my gas and I would always feel like I'm taking advantage of that. Also: for a close friend you would be more likely to do that. But you just don't become friends instantly so at the beginning there is no friendship to test. You have to get to know a person and if your only chance to get to know this person is by driving her around all the time...I imagine that could be difficult. (For both of them...I'd be totally uncomfortable if I had to ask a person I'm just getting to know for a ride all the time!) But what my post was really about: I wouldn't base the decision to rematch or not on what MIGHT happen to me if my not yet existing friends A: have a car and B: are allowed to drive me around. When that happens it's great but I would base my decision on the given facts and that are taking the bus and having to take the last bus at 10. Everything else will -IMHO- lead to great expectations and probably resentment. I think you missunderstood me here.
First, do we actually mean the same? What I mean is that fa friend lives 15 minutes out of my way from the place we would meet. That makes 15 minutes to get the friend, 15 to get back the place and the same procedure afterwards. That adds up to one hour.
Did you mean the 30-45 TOTAL or actually 4 times like explained above? (If you actually meant driving 2 to 3 hours extra just for an ordinary movie night or something like that, then you have my deep respect! I would never do that on a regular basis!)
It seems unreasonable to drive one hour extra for spending half an hour at Star Bucks getting a coffee for example. For the occasional night out -no problem. But I would not do that every day.
Also my hostparents pay for my gas and I would always feel like I’m taking advantage of that.

Also: for a close friend you would be more likely to do that. But you just don’t become friends instantly so at the beginning there is no friendship to test. You have to get to know a person and if your only chance to get to know this person is by driving her around all the time…I imagine that could be difficult. (For both of them…I’d be totally uncomfortable if I had to ask a person I’m just getting to know for a ride all the time!)

But what my post was really about: I wouldn’t base the decision to rematch or not on what MIGHT happen to me if my not yet existing friends A: have a car and B: are allowed to drive me around. When that happens it’s great but I would base my decision on the given facts and that are taking the bus and having to take the last bus at 10.
Everything else will -IMHO- lead to great expectations and probably resentment.

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