Sometimes with big decisions we feel some “buyer’s remorse”.
Maybe you should’ve gotten a station wagon instead of a mini-van? Or the size 12 instead of the size 10…?
Often, the buyer’s remorse just goes away. Other times, you take the jeans back to Target and exchange them for a larger size. Whatever. That’s life.
When it comes to selecting Au Pairs (or Host Families), a little bit of discomfort over the decision is normal.
Hey, it’s a really big decision! You consider whatever criteria you have, you evaluate whatever data you can, and then you decide.
If it helps, remember that there’s No Such Thing as a “prefect match”.
We make good matches, and then we work like hell to create strong relationships.
It’s the work, not the choice, that creates Host Parent and Au Pair success stories.
But there is always the exception that challenges the advice — like this situation, from 2nd Guessing Host Mom. Read it through, take the poll, and then tell us in the comments–
When *does* it make sense to cancel your match?
- How do you know?
- How many days after you say yes– if any — do you have to change your mind?
Dear AuPairMom ~
I just “officially” matched with a young woman yesterday and I’m having serious anxiety about it. I’m so stressed I made a mistake but I feel terribly guilty at the thought of changing my mind and how mean that would be for the applicant.
Part of the angst is that I just finished re-matching after choosing an au pair who mis-represented herself, was a terrible fit for our family and was very cold and detached. So I am so afraid of making another mistake as it was really hard on our family and me in particular as I am the main contact/coach for our au pairs.Since the 4 days since we discussed being a good match right before the weekend, we did not contact the agency until Monday and it took another day to make it official.
In that time, a few red flags have come up for us.
1) she has brought up that she thinks it is gross for us to give milk to our kids. She told us she is a vegetarian but now it seems she’s a vegan and potentially an opinionated one.
2) we need to change bedrooms and bathrooms with one of our kids living in what has been our au pair suite area because the au pair is very tall and won’t fit into the shower comfortably in the au pair bathroom. At first my daughter said yes no problem to the switch but now she is not very happy about it.
3) something about her demeanor after getting our handbook changed – nothing major, just little comments of disapproval while we were discussing it and also a less than kind comment about her little sister.
The applicant has really terrific references from her current host family & past jobs. My previous Au Pair, who herself was a great family member, (before our re-match) thought she seemed wonderful. She is very warm and loving which are our two biggest “must haves” .
Both my husband and I don’t want to be hurtful to the woman that we’ve said we’d match with but we are wondering:
Will what seem like minor issues now become too painful and lead to rematch– a rematch we could have avoided?
We weren’t sure the match would happen so we’d been talking with another woman too.
We just started talking with her early last week so we’d already had numerous Skypes with the woman we matched with. We’ve only Skyped with the second woman 2 times but have had many emails back and forth and her questions are really good and well thought out. So far no red flags at all.
Her host parents also gave her a terrific review – she’s an extension too. We are thinking she’s a better fit for us but feel like we’ve made a commitment. Any advice? I’m trying to follow my gut after the re-match problem (when I didn’t…) Do we stick with the matched woman even if we are questioning it?
Image: Light or Dark, You Choose, by nancynance on Flicker