Comments on: Unhappy Complainer who won’t make friends: Can this relationship be saved? http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:01:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Disappointed http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-13866 Disappointed Thu, 30 Sep 2010 20:37:46 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-13866 I am intrigued by the comments here. I am in a similar situation as the original posting. Unfortunately, I am so frustrated by the agency and my community counselor in addition to our au pair - I would like to end my au pair year early. Does anyone have any experience with that? I would be very interested to know if that is possible and the costs, etc. I am intrigued by the comments here. I am in a similar situation as the original posting. Unfortunately, I am so frustrated by the agency and my community counselor in addition to our au pair – I would like to end my au pair year early. Does anyone have any experience with that? I would be very interested to know if that is possible and the costs, etc.

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]]> By: Sabrina http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3186 Sabrina Sun, 23 Aug 2009 01:04:36 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3186 HFs complaining about complaining APs! I have been on both sides - AP twice and HM twice. I can safely say that APs in Europe are recruited with the promise that they will have the best year of their life, can expect a warm welcome from a most likely upper middle class family and will instantly make new friends. The AuPair year is portrayed as a year of cultural exchange as a valid member of the HF- the opportunity for the AP to learn English and travel. Hence, most of them write on their apps that they want to improve their English and like travelling. Most of the APs have not held a serious job before, let alone one where they had to work 45 hours/week. It is only after their arrival that they realize what they are in for and then culture shock kicks in. The AP is new to the country and new to the HF and the HF has to be willing to work with the AP and help her through difficult times. She (AP) most likely does not realize how she is perceived by the host parents. She needs to be told but she also needs to be shown that HF understands that there are cultural differences and that she is not an American nanny. She is a young and inexperienced foreigner relying on your guidance! Of course, you want her to fit in and behave properly but if you went to live with another family in her country would you know how to behave properly in every situation? A lot of issues depend on perception and can be solved if both parties are willing. HFs complaining about complaining APs! I have been on both sides – AP twice and HM twice. I can safely say that APs in Europe are recruited with the promise that they will have the best year of their life, can expect a warm welcome from a most likely upper middle class family and will instantly make new friends. The AuPair year is portrayed as a year of cultural exchange as a valid member of the HF- the opportunity for the AP to learn English and travel. Hence, most of them write on their apps that they want to improve their English and like travelling. Most of the APs have not held a serious job before, let alone one where they had to work 45 hours/week. It is only after their arrival that they realize what they are in for and then culture shock kicks in. The AP is new to the country and new to the HF and the HF has to be willing to work with the AP and help her through difficult times. She (AP) most likely does not realize how she is perceived by the host parents. She needs to be told but she also needs to be shown that HF understands that there are cultural differences and that she is not an American nanny. She is a young and inexperienced foreigner relying on your guidance! Of course, you want her to fit in and behave properly but if you went to live with another family in her country would you know how to behave properly in every situation? A lot of issues depend on perception and can be solved if both parties are willing.

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]]> By: PA Mom http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3065 PA Mom Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:49:20 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3065 Interesting . . . one of our Western EU APs was no princess and the other was . . . not a country issue in my mind but a parenting one which you really can't judge until you've met them. As for priviledged lifestyles another thought is that those from a poorer area believe that Americans are all "rich" and therefore can become fairly princessy (is that a word) before you know it. They adopt the American teen ethos quite quickly. One of our most helpful APs is from a reasonably well to do family and has tons of help at home (gardeners, maids, drivers, you name it) and yet this AP has been very helpful and rolled up her sleeves without being asked. I too had avoided the priviledged class (happened to miss it this time because the connection was bad between our countries and I just didn't know enough to realize she'd have that kind of "help" at home) but now realize that I'd misjudged. It's the APs personality and how she is raised that is really important. When one of us does something kind for the other, we joke that (insert name of housemaid or gardener) must have done it. I think it's also helped her to realize how much those folks do for her at home and how much she was just used to it. I suspect they will be even more appreciated when she goes home for their tireless work for her family. Interesting . . . one of our Western EU APs was no princess and the other was . . . not a country issue in my mind but a parenting one which you really can’t judge until you’ve met them. As for priviledged lifestyles another thought is that those from a poorer area believe that Americans are all “rich” and therefore can become fairly princessy (is that a word) before you know it. They adopt the American teen ethos quite quickly. One of our most helpful APs is from a reasonably well to do family and has tons of help at home (gardeners, maids, drivers, you name it) and yet this AP has been very helpful and rolled up her sleeves without being asked. I too had avoided the priviledged class (happened to miss it this time because the connection was bad between our countries and I just didn’t know enough to realize she’d have that kind of “help” at home) but now realize that I’d misjudged. It’s the APs personality and how she is raised that is really important. When one of us does something kind for the other, we joke that (insert name of housemaid or gardener) must have done it. I think it’s also helped her to realize how much those folks do for her at home and how much she was just used to it. I suspect they will be even more appreciated when she goes home for their tireless work for her family.

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]]> By: A-Mom-ymous http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3059 A-Mom-ymous Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:23:22 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3059 BP-- rematch. You don't need this stress. Yes, it's going to get worse. She's in it for the wrong reasons. She's holding you emotional hostage. The split of rematch is like ripping off a bandaid -- it hurts, but then it's over with. My new theory: most APs are good with kids -- it's all the other stuff that is harder to find. If they can manage their lives in a new country, and have wisdom about forging decent relationships with both the parents, then they will certainly be able to manage the kids. I've had wonderful Brazilian women and one Brazilian princess. Had us walking on eggshells. Ridiculous. They are out there. Certain agencies have a higher up front fee for the APs themselves -- like earnest money that they get back later. APIA has a lower fee for the APs, so they get a few more girls who are hard-working, have managed to learn pretty good English and yet aren't spoiled princesses themselves. If you haven't done this already, should click through the websites as if you were an AP prospect and see what they see. Very interesting. Even when selecting from very poor countries you can absolutely end up with a princess. Here's how: being an au pair requires good English skills, and in a very poor country, good English skills are learned in a good school and/or university, which is expensive. So it follows that if you are expecting perfect English and some college education, you are more likely to end up with an AP who is a little more accustomed to a privileged lifestyle. If you can afford to keep your AP in that style, more power to you; you'll have an easier time recruiting APs. We are not wealthy; we don't spoil our kids, and we don't want a princess as a role model for our girls. So we deliberately don't even look at western european APs at all. And yes, you have to peer carefully into those photos to find the red flags and glimmers of princessdom. You have to seek what clicks for you. It's different for everyone. But you know it when you see it. BP– rematch. You don’t need this stress. Yes, it’s going to get worse. She’s in it for the wrong reasons. She’s holding you emotional hostage. The split of rematch is like ripping off a bandaid — it hurts, but then it’s over with.

My new theory: most APs are good with kids — it’s all the other stuff that is harder to find. If they can manage their lives in a new country, and have wisdom about forging decent relationships with both the parents, then they will certainly be able to manage the kids.

I’ve had wonderful Brazilian women and one Brazilian princess. Had us walking on eggshells. Ridiculous. They are out there.

Certain agencies have a higher up front fee for the APs themselves — like earnest money that they get back later. APIA has a lower fee for the APs, so they get a few more girls who are hard-working, have managed to learn pretty good English and yet aren’t spoiled princesses themselves. If you haven’t done this already, should click through the websites as if you were an AP prospect and see what they see. Very interesting.

Even when selecting from very poor countries you can absolutely end up with a princess. Here’s how: being an au pair requires good English skills, and in a very poor country, good English skills are learned in a good school and/or university, which is expensive. So it follows that if you are expecting perfect English and some college education, you are more likely to end up with an AP who is a little more accustomed to a privileged lifestyle. If you can afford to keep your AP in that style, more power to you; you’ll have an easier time recruiting APs.

We are not wealthy; we don’t spoil our kids, and we don’t want a princess as a role model for our girls. So we deliberately don’t even look at western european APs at all. And yes, you have to peer carefully into those photos to find the red flags and glimmers of princessdom. You have to seek what clicks for you. It’s different for everyone. But you know it when you see it.

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]]> By: Anna http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3057 Anna Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:04:07 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3057 I've had three Brazilian au pairs and never encountered a sulky complaining attitude like described here with Brazilians . I think it could be a problem for particular countries (relatively wealthy countries or countries who think they are) Brazil is a country with a very deep economic class divide, and a generally happy, accepting, diverse and open-minded population. Another tip - I've learned to look for a sunny happy personality. You can usually tell.... and sometimes just from the pictures. There is a certain vibe you get. I’ve had three Brazilian au pairs and never encountered a sulky complaining attitude like described here with Brazilians . I think it could be a problem for particular countries (relatively wealthy countries or countries who think they are)
Brazil is a country with a very deep economic class divide, and a generally happy, accepting, diverse and open-minded population.

Another tip – I’ve learned to look for a sunny happy personality. You can usually tell…. and sometimes just from the pictures. There is a certain vibe you get.

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]]> By: A http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3051 A Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:29:21 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3051 Maybe this is because I'm tired and it's Monday, but from reading these posts, it seems like getting an au pair frequently means adding a sulky teenage girl to the household. As I stated in an earlier comment, our au pair is great with the kids, and complains less than she used to...but dang I get tired of her picking at good home-cooked food like it was poisoned (eww, vegetables!) and pouting when we tell her that she cannot borrow our car for a 400 mile weekend trip. I wonder how au pairs are recruited, because it seems like the expectation is that they will live with a rich American family who will feed them pizza and ice cream every day, take them to Disneyland, give them a car, and clean up after them; that they will instantly make best friends with other au pairs and will spend their weekends frolicking at nightclubs with their new best friends--all in exchange for babysitting a little bit. I remember being 21, I remember that I cooked, cleaned up after myself, ate my vegetables, and would have loved to have a (more or less) paying job that let me see more of the world. Our au pair acts like I did at 17. We are exhausted. Maybe this is because I’m tired and it’s Monday, but from reading these posts, it seems like getting an au pair frequently means adding a sulky teenage girl to the household.
As I stated in an earlier comment, our au pair is great with the kids, and complains less than she used to…but dang I get tired of her picking at good home-cooked food like it was poisoned (eww, vegetables!) and pouting when we tell her that she cannot borrow our car for a 400 mile weekend trip.
I wonder how au pairs are recruited, because it seems like the expectation is that they will live with a rich American family who will feed them pizza and ice cream every day, take them to Disneyland, give them a car, and clean up after them; that they will instantly make best friends with other au pairs and will spend their weekends frolicking at nightclubs with their new best friends–all in exchange for babysitting a little bit.
I remember being 21, I remember that I cooked, cleaned up after myself, ate my vegetables, and would have loved to have a (more or less) paying job that let me see more of the world. Our au pair acts like I did at 17. We are exhausted.

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]]> By: E2 http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3048 E2 Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:42:13 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3048 PA au pair mom -- thanks for the validation...it is amazing how similar the situations are (were). Ours turned into more than just a sulky au pair...the facebook stuff was blatantly rude and then our kids gave us feedback that we couldn't ignore. Needless to say, we ended the match (although I really think she would have left after the summer on her own). I really believe in the au pair program, but DH has had it. We're going with an in-country extension au pair to finish up our contract. This person sounds absolutely wonderful so we're going to approach it positively. Has anyone had experience where they've rematched and know that the other au pairs in the area are talking...how do you approach the new au pair about what they may hear from other au pairs? Thanks! {E2, we'll set your question up as a post. txs!} PA au pair mom — thanks for the validation…it is amazing how similar the situations are (were). Ours turned into more than just a sulky au pair…the facebook stuff was blatantly rude and then our kids gave us feedback that we couldn’t ignore. Needless to say, we ended the match (although I really think she would have left after the summer on her own). I really believe in the au pair program, but DH has had it. We’re going with an in-country extension au pair to finish up our contract. This person sounds absolutely wonderful so we’re going to approach it positively. Has anyone had experience where they’ve rematched and know that the other au pairs in the area are talking…how do you approach the new au pair about what they may hear from other au pairs? Thanks!
{E2, we’ll set your question up as a post. txs!}

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]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3047 Anonymous Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:45:11 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3047 I agree with TX Mom. The ungrateful AP needs to go. The strain is not worth it, especially since she's not excelling in other areas. Jump back in the dating pool and get yourself something better. There are so many awesome APs out there looking for homes, don't spend another minute thinking about this girl. It's a hassle but another 7 months with this lady is going to eat you up if you even make it that far. PA Mom, I think I'd strangle an AP that I took an all expense paid trip to Disney and then they come home and complain! Did you post this on the thread about taking APs on family vacations? It may help another family to get your experience. I agree with TX Mom. The ungrateful AP needs to go. The strain is not worth it, especially since she’s not excelling in other areas. Jump back in the dating pool and get yourself something better. There are so many awesome APs out there looking for homes, don’t spend another minute thinking about this girl. It’s a hassle but another 7 months with this lady is going to eat you up if you even make it that far.

PA Mom, I think I’d strangle an AP that I took an all expense paid trip to Disney and then they come home and complain! Did you post this on the thread about taking APs on family vacations? It may help another family to get your experience.

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]]> By: TX Mom http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3046 TX Mom Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:23:13 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3046 A strained relationship will likely get worse and I would rematch. (I won't tolerate rude behavior to a HP.) If your AP is too immature to recognize that your family has non-material benefits she will have to learn the hard way (rematch.) She may be in for a surprise... You are better off with someone modeling good values to your children; good AP's will learn and mature from rematch and your family can benefit from that. If you are at 5 months you probably have to act soon. A strained relationship will likely get worse and I would rematch. (I won’t tolerate rude behavior to a HP.) If your AP is too immature to recognize that your family has non-material benefits she will have to learn the hard way (rematch.) She may be in for a surprise… You are better off with someone modeling good values to your children; good AP’s will learn and mature from rematch and your family can benefit from that. If you are at 5 months you probably have to act soon.

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]]> By: BP http://AuPairMom.com/unhappy-complainer-who-wont-make-friends-can-this-relationship-be-saved/2009/07/21/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3045 BP Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:04:25 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=1810#comment-3045 Hi all...let me say I am very happy to hear other Middle Class families...with aupairs who are comparing their situations.....I am currently in one of those...however...I do have an aupair who decided after a weekend in Chicago with a very wealthy family..that she too is unhappy with pretty much everything..except my kids. She does do a good job with my kids and they do like her...but...she is not that GREAT of an aupair. She has a personality conflict with my husband and I dont know what to do about it. she has been with us 5 months and now comes to us "very uncomfortable"...we ask her what we can do and she has no answer. After her trip to Chicago she "has seen what it could be like" for her... I dont know if we should initiate a rematch..although..she might do it for us.... To HOSTMOMVA....our aupair is from a poor country...but evidently she was not one of those...she had a maid her entire life, 8hours a day did all the cooking and cleaning....has a father who paid for her apt while in college...all expenses...so...had I known all this..I probably would have passed. Anyway...like I said..my kids like her and she does a pretty good job with them...but the relationship is very strained on our part and especially my husband...I was up all night last night thinking about it...and advice?? Hi all…let me say I am very happy to hear other Middle Class families…with aupairs who are comparing their situations…..I am currently in one of those…however…I do have an aupair who decided after a weekend in Chicago with a very wealthy family..that she too is unhappy with pretty much everything..except my kids. She does do a good job with my kids and they do like her…but…she is not that GREAT of an aupair. She has a personality conflict with my husband and I dont know what to do about it. she has been with us 5 months and now comes to us “very uncomfortable”…we ask her what we can do and she has no answer. After her trip to Chicago she “has seen what it could be like” for her…
I dont know if we should initiate a rematch..although..she might do it for us….
To HOSTMOMVA….our aupair is from a poor country…but evidently she was not one of those…she had a maid her entire life, 8hours a day did all the cooking and cleaning….has a father who paid for her apt while in college…all expenses…so…had I known all this..I probably would have passed.
Anyway…like I said..my kids like her and she does a pretty good job with them…but the relationship is very strained on our part and especially my husband…I was up all night last night thinking about it…and advice??

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