DH and I lived apart for several years – first time was when we were living on opposite sides of Europe (back before Skyping and phone cards – we wrote each other a lot of letters), and then for several years in the US as we started out on the career path. I’m sympathetic to APs who have left behind boyfriends. It can be done.

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“So after our conversation, I was left with one concern that I wanted to raise again with you, and this pertains to how you feel about leaving [BBH] for the year. One of the big sayings among host families is never to pick an au pair who has a serious boyfriend, as sometimes those are the au pairs who decide that they don’t want to or don’t need to struggle through the difficult process of adjusting and they decide to go home after only a few
weeks. The first few weeks and sometimes months can be challenging as an au pair. Being with children can get tiring. Classes may be difficult. Adjustment to living with a new family can be hard. Au pairs can feel homesick. The au pairs who have someone special at home, especially someone who is saying “I miss you, I wish you were here” all the time, can sometimes think to themselves, “Why am I bothering to make this adjustment? I can just go home.”

So this is why I am raising this again and asking you to really think about what it will mean to be abroad (and away from your boyfriend) for a year. Other than this one concern, we think you seem like a great au pair for us, and we are optimistic that you would be a good fit for our family and would be happy here with us.”

I sent this, and then I waited. Nothing came back that night. Nothing came back the next day. Finally, the next night a note came. What had taken her so long was that she had arranged for a serious sit-down with BBH and really talked about the year ahead. They talked about what she would do, what he would do, what their relationship would be like, how they would weather the storms of her being in the US and him being at college for the first time, and when and how they would see each other. She handled this so maturely that when she wrote to say that she felt confident that he was behind her 100% and had promised to support her, I felt very comfortable going ahead with the match.

We just hosted BBH in our home for two weeks over the winter holiday, and it was an absolute joy to meet him and to watch them together. Probably my most favorite part of having him here – aside from seeing AP so incredibly happy and really blooming to be able to show him her life here – was to watch HIM recognize how much SHE has grown up and matured in her half-year thus far with us. He was bursting with pride at how well she has done as an AP. It was really an incredibly special thing to see.

I think, if you put the situation to your prospective AP in a similar way and really ask her about the boyfriend, you will see how she reacts and can gauge her level of commitment to the AP program. You can also gauge how realistic she – and he – are being about hte separation. Once our AP took our query so seriously and used it as an opening to put her own questions to her BBH, I had a good sense that the match would work.

I hope things work out for you with this AP as well.

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So now what? I never wanted an AP with a boyfriend, but she seems a better fit than I have seen in weeks of searching now. I guess I want a few good stories about APs with BBHs–is it really possible that it works out fine for the HF? I wish we had a statistic somewhere about this.

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Once, an au pair told us she didn’t have a boyfriend, but when she arrived, she told us she did – she started dating an ex again soon after the match but before arrival, several months already. Her boyfriend came to visit, she took her 2 week vacation to be with him, and right after the vacation she announced she wanted a rematch, the work and life with us was too hard and depressing for her, and “she didn’t come to America to feel like this”

Once, an au pair told us she didn’t have a boyfriend. When she arrived, she said she did, and that she started dating him shortly before arrival so she was not lying on her application to us (sounds familiar? and she was the one after the au pair above). Turned out this was a lie, I saw their pictures together in affectionate poses taken way before she applied to the au pair program. And, less than two months after her arrival, she announced she decided to go back home after 6 months mark, because she wanted to go to college next year (grrr…. and why she hasn’t thought of that when matching?). I do suspect that it was completely fabricated and she has arranged with her boyfriend to come back soon. Because four months in, she met a new love interest here, broke up with a boyfriend back home, and announced that she changed her mind and wants to stay a full year… (we rematched soon after for a different reason…lies etc.)

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Boyfriends add another dimension of loneliness and homesickness for an AP. While they may be ready to cut the apron strings on their parents and spread their wings – leaving is not seen as a loss – yes it is scary but the AP does not feel like they are loosing something. This is not the same as leaving a boyfriend.

When you leave behind a boyfriend (even if they support the decision to AP) the AP now has to deal with the loss of the emotional (and phyiscial!!!) contact.

To my mind this is a huge obstacle to overcome and is too much for most.

I was quite annoyed when our AP arrived, moped around the house for a month or so and then dropped it in conversation that she had started seeing someone before she left to come to us. I knew right then that the match would not work – her head was somewhere else to where it had been when she matched with us and she didn’t really want to be with us.

She left 5 days later. We spent in excess of $2,000 on her during that period.

Now we screen for boyfriends in our selection process and unless the applicant is extremely strong (or in one case the AP’s boyfriend was already in our country – acceptable) but we do not select AP’s with boyfriends.

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