Within the legal boundaries of the au pair program, both host parents and au pairs like to have a bit of personal discretion.

We want to be able to satisfy family demands and any sensible au pair dreams. We want to be flexible when issues come up, and we want to be accommodating and reasonably generous.

And, we host parents want to be fair.

We host parents spend a lot of time here talking about what the program rules are, why they exist, and when it feels appropriate — for either a parent or an au pair – to bend these rules. We also spend a lot of time giving each other advice about what’s really appropriate, since we often look at our own situations and focus on a pressing demand, blind to the bigger picture or the longer term implications of a decision.

Sometimes, though, an au pair rule or regulation that seems easy to understand and apply actually turns out to allow one party to take advantage of the other.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me when a host mom emailed me with concerns about a small change in one agency’s policies regarding unpaid vacation time.

Dear AuPairMom-

Our au pair has been told that our au pair agency, APIA, allows for host parents to give au pairs unpaid extra vacation time. (Our au pair wants an extra week off to take a long trip to DisneyWorld, etc. She has already had a week of paid vacation.) She pointed out to us an item on her au pair cluster newsletter page:

Au pairs receive two weeks paid vacation. If your schedule permits, and you and your host parents agree, you can be given additional vacation days without pay.

As a host parent, I always want to play by the rules. I’m not against the idea of giving an au pair an extra week under our roof, being off duty but being able to eat, vacation or whatever.

However, from our current agency and our former agency, and also with all the conversation here on AuPairMom, we’ve understood that the HF must pay the stipend 51 weeks of the year, and that we we cannot withhold a stipend any week, for any reason — no ifs, ands or buts. And I think this is the right policy!

I am not sure what the actual regulations require. I looked at Title 22 § 62.31 of the US regs governing the au pair program, and it doesn’t actually seem to say that the stipend cannot be withheld….

But more importantly, I am concerned that if host parents (an au pairs) are told that it is okay to have a week or two– or more — of “unpaid vacation”, there is too much potential for HF to abuse this policy. I’m thinking about the HFs who will want to “give” APs “vacation time” “off” without pay….when the APs don’t actually agree to this.

Think about the families who send their kids to four weeks of sleep-away camp yet need an au pair the rest of the summer. And think about those ‘long weekends’ when an au pair could lose a day or two of pay for a vacation day she didn’t need or want.

I’m afraid that HFs will abuse this change, and that Au Pairs will end up being here for weeks when they have no ‘pocket money’ coming in and not enough saved to make a difference. Many au pairs just aren’t in situations where they feel then could speak up if they were ‘given’ extra time off.

So here’s my question– is it actually ‘legal’ to do this? And, is it really the right decision for Agencies, to say that unpaid vacation is normal and negotiable?

I’d love to hear the thoughts of other readers. Thanks so much.

image: Rawwwr Some rights reserved by monagrrl on Flickr

There’s something about hosting a friend of relative of your au pair that can mess with the fine balance between “part of the family”&  “childcare provider” and between “host mom” and “house elf/slave”.

For lots of us, we forget to check our assumptions about how we should act towards other people’s guests, how much of a host or hostess we should be, whether we should treat the guest like another au pair/family member or like the au pairs’s responsibility, and so on.

Most of us host parents want to be warm and welcoming when our au pairs have guests- whether these guests stop in for coffee or spend a week or two in your host parent house. Most of us have learned though trial and error what we can take, and what we can’t take, when it comes to house guests in general and guests of au pairs in particular.

ReturningHostMom writes with a great  opportunity.

She’s hosting an au pair’s house guest for the first time — with this particular au pair. This host mom has had some good and bad experiences hosting guests, and so she wants to know–

What can she do UP FRONT to set the expectations for the visit?

I’ve dug up this thread looking for some updated advice. Our AP is about to have her BFH (boyfriend from home) visit for two weeks over the Christmas holidays, and he will be staying in our house. I encouraged AP to invite BFH over Christmas, as we are going away for 10 days and while she was welcome to come, I didn’t think it would be much fun for her to be up at my sister’s house with their family, with her not knowing anyone there and not being the sort to make friends and go out with local APs, the way some of our previous APs were. So now I’m facing two weeks with BFH (a total of five days will be with us home), and then mom and sister are coming two weeks in the spring and godfather for 10 days in May. So I need this visit to go well, or I won’t be feeling welcoming for the next visits.

I should put up front that we have had great and awful visits with previous APs’ families: Two were fantastic – parents, boyfriends, boyfriends’ families, etc all visited, lots of fun, great to have them. One AP, though, had her mom and sister for two full weeks, and for two full weeks i cooked and cleaned and waited on them – they were lovely people and we had fun but still I felt very overworked, but then on the last night, after I cooked them a big “goodbye” dinner, AP announced she was leaving the next day with mom and sister. Turned out this had been the plan all along – flight was booked – and AP’s mom and sister simply used our house as a hotel so they could visit the US before AP left with them. So you can see why I’d be a little gun-shy with the visits this time around!

So what can I do to help ensure that this first visit goes well, so that I will feel happy about all those future visits as well?

I’ve tried to set expectations by being clear and outlining my expectations in the au pair handbook. I have in the handbook now that anytime guests stay longer than 3 days, that AP should provide food (thanks to that AP mom and sister who cleaned out our fridge of food every other day but paid for nothing). I have in the handbook that no guests should drive our cars, and I told AP that there would be a mileage limit for the visit (again, from that other AP, who put over 500 miles on our car when the mom and sister were visiting). I have in the handbook that AP must take vacation day on any day that I would otherwise need her to work and so will have to get back-up childcare.

I haven’t yet approached the question of sleeping arrangements with BFH, but since AP has told me that when BFH stays at her house at home, he stays in her room with her, I was thinking I’d just put them in there. Should I set some rules about the bathroom (small house -AP shares bathroom with two children 7 and 9, and her room is on same floor as our bedroom)? What else should I be thinking of?

We like this AP a lot, even though she is young for her age and needs a lot of hand-holding. She is kind, respectful, helpful, and very much a part of our family, and I really want to welcome her family with open arms…but I need this visit to go well in order to do so with the additional guests who are scheduled to come (plus I should add that she has had weekend visitors a fair amount too).

Advice? Suggestions? Thanks very much.

Dear AuPairMom Readers– I would love the input of some other host families regarding our upcoming cruise vacation with our Au Pair. We have never done a vacation like this with an AP and I am concerned about how best to make it work.

Going along on the cruise are me (Host Mom), my husband, our two boys (9 and 6), our Au Pair (age 20) and my mother. Our Au Pair will be sharing a suite with my mother. The cruise is 7 days plus a day before and a day after in San Juan.

We have talked at length with our AP about what our expectations are regarding her work duties, i.e. helping out with the kids at mealtimes, bed time, etc.

Our dilemma is what to do about her personal time.

We intend to give her plenty of time to explore the ship and islands on her own, without the kids, if she chooses. The issue becomes: How do we balance our sense of responsibility with her independence?

We want to make sure that she understands the need to be back on the ship on time and what potential safety issues exist, but we don’t want her to feel like we are smothering her.

Suggestions?

See also:

It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay?
How to Handle Costs for a Ski Vacation: Who should pay for what?

image: by ce matin, un lapin

A regular reader sent me a long email about traveling with her Au Pair over the Christmas holiday. This reader is one of those very experienced, very thoughtful host moms who takes pains to see all sides of a situation, before doing her very best to be clear, constructive, and kind when she interacts with her au pairs (and for that matter, when she shares her advice in comments).

As with many (most?) real life situations, there are layers and layers of dynamics. Underneath all of the specifics of the situation lies this problem: her au pair does not seem to understand that the plans that she makes need to incorporate the plans of her host family.

This story is a good example of how, as we start to talk with each other about the ‘presenting problem’, we can begin to see what’s going on at a deeper level. You might recognize yourself (I certainly do) as this mom explains, interprets, understands, and tries to stay fair in a situation that’s becoming a drag on her own generosity.

The whole email, and full situation, is below. As you read through, think about how the general, fundamental issue might be addressed as well as how the particulars of this unique situation might be addressed. Here’s the situation:

Dear Au Pair Mom –

This year, we have an issue that has never presented itself in the 11 years that we have been host parents.

We will be traveling at Christmas to my parents’ home. My parents live in an interesting place that many au pairs want to visit. My parents are very generous people, and have always been willing to include our AP as well as one of their friends in our plans. It all seems to come down to a problem of communication.

Our AP, whose English is reasonably good, appears endlessly surprised at the various differences in culture between her European country and the U.S. even after 5 months in the U.S. My AP does what is asked of her and is generally a good AP, but she isn’t used to communicating and seems embarrassed about letting us know what her plans are. We are probably a little more intrusive than her own parents, but we aren’t especially nosey – we just want to know if she’s in the house or not when she’s off duty.

I told her that we would be traveling to this desirable location for Christmas and offered, if she were willing to share a double bed with a friend, that she could invite one to celebrate with us. I made sure our AP had all of our flight information. Her friend wanted to celebrate Christmas Day with her HF first, and then to travel to the desirable location.The bottom line has always been that the friend has to pay her own way and that we would not book the flight.

Last night our Au Pair told me, “X will be arriving at 5:30 on December 25.” My reaction was to raise my eyebrows in a way that probably made it clear I was displeased. My AP celebrates Christmas on December 24 in her country, and although she was aware that December 25 was the holiday here, I don’t think she had given it a thought until exactly that moment. My parents don’t live close to the airport — it’s a 45-minute drive from their house to the airport. Add in time for parking and the walk through the airport to the baggage carousel, a 5:30 arrival on Christmas Day completely interrupts dinner plans — either we eat early and have a light supper after X arrives, or we hold back on the main dinner until X arrives, by which time my kids will be exhausted.

My father will trust either DH or me with his car, but if only one of us were to drive to and from the airport, that still means the other is in charge of feeding the little ones, helping my parents prepare the dinner, and lay the table. Not to mention, celebrate being together.

I told my AP to see if X could adjust her plans and arrive on the 26th. It turns out that X’s HF selected the time of her flight because it suited their plans best (they don’t know us from Adam, so it would never have occurred to them to ask X if the timing worked for us).

What is done now is done. Our AP is now perfectly aware that we are jumping through hoops to adjust to her guest’s schedule.

And it gets more annoying: Although she never asked about what we might do as a family to see the sights in my parents’ area, suddenly she is interested.

My question is twofold, and it’s hard to believe that I’m asking it when I’m living with AP #9 (in 11 years).

1.  How far does one need to go in conveying how Americans (or at least my family) celebrates a particular holiday in order to clue APs in toward marking their plans?

It never occurred to my AP, or X that we didn’t celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve until I made a face last night (and then my AP had an “Aha!” moment, and said, “Oh, right, you celebrate Christmas on the 25th. Everything is different here.”) It was amazing to me, but she also didn’t seem to know that the desirable location was in another time zone (despite being a 5-hour flight).

2. How does one clue an AP in to paying attention to family details when making personal plans?

You want a lift to the airport? Don’t book a flight that conflicts with the when the kids need to get on the schoolbus in the morning unless you want to pay for your own shuttle! You want us to pick you up at the airport? Then don’t book your flight to arrive a dinnertime! You want to do something on your own with your friend? Do the research to figure out if it is possible! It all comes down to one issue for me – ask questions! Be curious

Is it necessary to lay how one celebrates holidays on the line months before they occur? We haven’t even gotten through Thanksgiving or Chanukah yet…

(AuPairMom sent a follow-up email for more details…)

DH agrees with you AuPairMom. We’ve asked the Au Pair friend make her own way to my parents’ house because she’s coming on Xmas Day.

When our AP said something about visiting a particular sight, I told her “You are welcome to join us in any family activities, here are some things we always do when we visit. DH and I are not renting a car and you will not be permitted to drive while you are. Here is the bus schedule.” I also gave her the option of using some vacation days while we were there, because I know her friend will be using vacation days.

Yes, I agree with you AuPairMom, the trip is about spending time with my parents, and we should make sure that the family has the vacation we need to have. But, I also feel like this is an important time for our AP, showing our AP how we celebrate the holidays, while listening to her explain the differences (my mother is super curious and will be grilling our AP), but also about showing her a very different part of our country.

But these are the issues we continue to struggle with:

1. Explaining the differences enough to the AP so that they understand how their plans have an impact on the family and
   
2. Having their expectations for their own activities be sensitive to the actual holiday celebrations, so they are thoughtful about all of the activities they book when they want transportation assistance.

Looking forward to thoughts from the community. …. HolidayHostMom

See also:

Seasonal Schedule Shift Syndrome:

AuPairMom’s fancy name for “when your au pair gets grumpy because all of a sudden the whole schedule changes, and now s/he has to work an occasional Saturday night.”

When school ends and ‘summertime’ begins, family schedules change.

Rhythms for your kids’ days may change, as may your own work schedules. And, your au pair’s work schedule will change align with everyone else’s.

Supposedly, at some point in our parenting journey, we host parents start to get the gist of the seasons and what they mean to family coordination, and begin to plan ahead. I have not quite hit this place, but I  look forward to it.

For host parents, the Seasonal Schedule Shift means that you have to reorganize daily schedules and weekly rhythms, add or subtract lunch, snack and dinner-making, calculate your au pair’s on & off duty hours and patterns, and get a whole new set of activities coordinated and organized. You want to do this smoothly, because you want it to be easy for kids to transition from a school-year to summer-time schedule without feeling disrupted or out of control.

(Note: Even the schedules of very little kids change with the seasons. The seasonal shift may correspond with new nap times, new playdate times, the end of Kindermusik and the start of the kiddie pool, etc. So it’s not all due to ‘school’.)

I think many of us host parents overestimate the degree to which an au pair (or anyone else in the family for that matter) is thinking ahead as the seasons change. In my family it always seems to come as a surprise that school is ending, day camp is upon us, the town pool closes at 7 on Mondays, and that the library has great craft activities.

For au pairs, the Seasonal Schedule Shift can be problematic. Why?

• Au Pairs have to learn all the pieces of any new routine.

They’ve got the current schedule down, and now they have to learn something new. They may feel anxious about managing the day camp bus scene, or driving to the town pool, or whatever.

• Au Pairs have to adjust their own personal schedule to the family’s revised schedule.

This can be harder than you’d think, because we forget how hard au pairs work to coordinate their off-duty times with each other and build their social lives around who is off duty & when.

• There’s no guarantee that your kids and Au Pair will even get into a routine… Not all 10 weeks of summer vacation are spent dong the same things, and the schedule can change dramatically from week to week.

That means that the Tuesday afternoon spin class is no longer an option, because they now have to take kids to swim team practice. Until August, when we’ll be at the beach and you won’t be able to go to spin class at all.

• The amount of time that your au pair works may change.

Many of us with kids in school full time only use 30 or so au pair hours in a given week… but with shorter times at day camp, or weeks when there is no camp, or weeks when camp is a half-day, you may end up scheduling them to be on duty all 45 hours.

• You au pair’s total weekly on-duty hours may change.

Instead of having your au pair be off-duty every Saturday night because you’ve used up their on-duty time during your work week, day camp may free ups a few of his/her hours so that you can your DP can actually go out on a weekend day or evening.

If there is anything the average au pair resents, it’s something that messes with her social life– especially in summer, when livin’ (and partyin’) are supposed to be easier.

To Reduce Seasonal Schedule Shift Syndrome, try this:

1. Make each new routine as clear as possible. Write it down, organize it on a daily agenda, sketch it out on a weekly calendar.

2. Be as clear as possible about what hours s/he’ll be certain to be off-duty, and what times may be changing week to week.

3. Offer an overview of the full summer’s plans. Plot out what is expected all 10 weeks– to the best of your ability. Note when “Magic for Muggles” camp ends and “Robotics” camp begins. Mark changes in drop off & pick up times clearly on your family calendar.

4. Plan ahead to discuss changes in weekly on-duty hours. Be explicit about what it used to be, what it is going to be, and that this is fair.

As we’ve discussed before, the most difficult situations to manage are those where the Seasonal Schedule Shift means that your au pair will be working more hours and/or be on duty during desirable socializing hours. S/he will have to get used to the “new normal” and you’ll need to help with that.

For example, explain that the 30 hour weeks will end with school and that 45 hour weeks will be normal. Where work hours increase to a full 45 hours, acknowledge that this is more work, that pay stays the same, and that this is still fair. Be able, gently, to point out that the previous six months s/he has (only) worked 30 hours per week, which is 67% of a full week. Having it lighter before doesn’t mean this new schedule is heavy– it’s normal.

Even if you went over all of this before you matched with your au pair, even if s/he knows it all ‘intellectually’, there will still be some emotions involved in making the Seasonal Schedule Shift. Be prepared, be empathic, and be kind.

Seasonal Schedule Shift Syndrome is something we can anticipate, but it is not likely something we host parents can prevent. Changing our routines is hard, changing our work expectations is hard, and dealing with ongoing variation is particularly tough. And, it’s part of life.

The best we can do is:

• • Anticipate the issues
  • Be ready with plans and explanations,
  • Be available to ease the transitions, and
  • Make it as easy as possible for our au pairs to (continue to) do a good job.

Do you have other ideas for reducing Seasonal Schedule Shift Syndrome? Share them, below!

See Also:
When your Au Pair complains about working too many hours, but still less than 45… what can you do?
When Your Au Pair Breaks Your Psychological Contract
What’s the cure for “Summer Fever”?
It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay?

Image: Zoe at the beach by mathewingram

This just in from a Host Mom in London. I think she’s asking for two kinds of advice: how to manage the vacation childcare, and how to manage her feelings of being, um, irked:

Hi, we have a 19 yr old au pair from Sweden who has been with us for 5 months after committing to stay for 12 months.

She has suddenly decided that au pairing is not for her.

This came 2 weeks after buying our tickets to our summer home in America (we live in London) She was fully aware of this trip and that we had purchased our tickets. Her ticket is unchangeable and unrefundable. Even though I purchased the ticket, it belongs to her.

She is leaving next Tuesday. She has offered to come back and go on that holday with us, we’re just so frustrated with her that we don’t want to ruin our own holiday with her coming for the free ride.

She is our fourth au pair in 4 years and we have never had something like this happen.

I need advice and quick! I have no back up help and don’t want to bring in another girl until the fall.

I don’t have a resolution to this trip, and her ticket has cost us £750 ugh. Ideas? Thanks— Left Adrift in London

I’m myself irked at the ‘generosity’ of the au pair— breaking her contract but being available for a free trip to the US. Right.

Heart adrift from soonerpa

When a host family takes their au pair with them to work during part of the vacation, what should they provide for her during her off-duty time? Especially, what should you provide on a ski vacation, where costs are relatively high and your au pair can’t afford to pay for her own skiing?

A European Host Mom Ann asks:

Our au pair from America is a nice girl. She has been here since start of January. In two weeks we will be going on a wintersports holiday. She will travel with us to the hotel (so travel expense is covered) as is the hotel including dinners and breakfast. She will stay in a room that she shares with the boys. We will make sure she will have privacy there.

My question is: who should pay for what? Skipass, ski lessons and a rental of skis & helmet will be necessary (also she needs glasses, a warm jacket and snowpants) if she wants to go skiing. She is supposed to work this week, but if the kids are in ski-lessons, she is off-duty, so she could use this time for skiing.

I would appreciate your advice very much–

thanks, Ann

Let me start of with some general principles for taking your au pair on vacation:

• Anytime you take your au pair with you to work, when you are on vacation, you should provide her with comfortable lodging, and all the same kinds of food, etc. as you would your kids. (However, don’t let her run her own bar tab on your room account!).
• Make sure she knows that, while it’s vacation for you, it is largely work time for her.
• Set aside some off duty time for her so that she can explore wherever you are and spend a little time vacationing too. Also, make sure you’re giving her a decent chunk of time off (like, an afternoon to sight-see, not time after dinner when it’s dark and everything is closed).
• Make sure she has things to keep herself busy not bored.
• Make sure that she has a way to stay in touch with family and friends (e.g., internet access).

You are already planning to do much of this, and thinking about the other details now is definitely good.

The hard part is always whether you can afford to have your au pair vacation in the same style as you parents or the kids are vacationing.  After all, it’s your vacation and not hers.

In an ideal world, you’d have enough money (we all would) to be able to pay for your au pair to ski during all of her off duty time… However, given that it costs around $100 per day to have your au pair ski, this may be out of the question for you.

You’ll want to talk with your au pair about how much it actually costs to pay for each skiing adult. Here in the US it’s horribly expensive– maybe it is less so where you are going? But you want to make she that she knows whether or not it’s easy for you to afford. Not that you want to make her feel beholden if you can afford to treat her, but you also don’t want her to misperceive the extent of your generosity. To imagine that two days of skiing equals a week of pocket money sure puts that into perspective.

You might consider how much you can afford to spend to entertain your au pair… and then offering her the opportunity to chose how to use this budget. She might prefer two days of skiing, or maybe she’d prefer extra time off to do something less costly (skating, movie marathons, hiking).

Make a special effort to identify some interesting and less expensive activities that she can enjoy, and make sure she packs what she needs for those activities. For example, your hotel may have a pool, whirlpool and fitness room. Or, you might bring a laptop and a video camera and encourage her to make a few movies. You might identify historic sites near to your hotel and get her tourist information. I know this may seem dorky and unglamorous compared to skiing, but everyone can remember that this trip is part of her chance to see other areas of the world, and she could take advantage of that regardless of the skiing.

Keep in mind that, when you take an au pair with you on a ‘fancy’ vacation, she may thing that you have a lot of disposable income and that if you aren’t paying for her, too, you’re simply being cheap. It is hard for au pairs, kids, relatives, anyone but the adults in charge, to know how a vacation fits into the family’s overall budget.

My personal opinion is that you should try to spring for two days of skiing… maybe her two off duty days, or a few half days while the kids are busy. It would be hard not to come off as mean to take her to a ski resort and not help to make it possible for her to ski a bit too.

Talking about all of these issues is difficult, and with an immature au pair it can be impossible. But, you are starting with a good foundation.

Remember, and mention this to your au pair, that being able to talk about money, about privileges, about role differences, and so on is not easy, but it is the only way we can make sure that we are correctly understood — in both directions.  This is part of the life lessons for host parents and au pairs.

What else should Ann think about? What do you advise??

Also see:

Don’t take your Au Pair on vacation during her first 3 months!

Family Skts from jgscils598f08 Pretty young woman in white and…from nigel67

My au pair’s vacation is coming up. To cover for her, we’re having both sets of grandparents come stay over. They’ll be here for a month, but will overlap for a little over a week. The overlap will occur while the AP is on vacation.

We have a smallish house – 3 bedrooms. Our “guest bed” is a futon on the living room. So when the two sets of grandparents overlap, one set of grandparents will have to sleep on the au pair’s bed, because the other set will be sleeping on the futon..

We told the au pair this several months ago, and she was fine with it. We’ve had the conversation many times, so I know she’s heard me. However, as her vacation gets closer, she is seeming less and less likely to actually buy plane tickets or go anywhere.

What are our options?

Am I obligated to get a hotel room for one of our parents or for her? She was hinting about how expensive hotel rooms are. Last Christmas I gave her a travel book to a place she said she wanted to visit, and I told her that book was chock full of inexpensive hostels, etc.

I think she might be vying for me to pay for her hotel on her vacation, since we need her room.

[cv note: Keep in mind, the only reason that the grandparents are there in an overlapping situation was to make it possible for the family to have childcare during the au pair's vacation. In effect, the grandparents are making it possible for the au pair to have the vacation time when the au pair wanted it.]

What’s reasonable here?

However, she is not a great au pair and hasn’t really “earned” this much generosity. I know it’s her room and I can’t kick her out. I just think that it is a reasonable request to use her room while she was supposed to be ‘gone’ . These plans were made months ago. We went round and round for months with her changing her mind about when she wanted to go on vacation. Finally we gave her a deadline to decide, because the grandparents had to be able to plan when they were coming.

I think that, now, she’s just playing me. What are my obligations here?

At this point we’d rematch but we can’t do it in a way that would give her a fair chance at finding another family, and we only have 4 months left with her, so we’re sticking it out. She is a total homebody and is just now starting to make friends, but still rarely goes anywhere. She spends most of the time in her room watching TV or surfing the web and has seemingly no interest in seeing anything of the country she came to.

What do you and readers think I should/can do about this?

Thanks, New AP Mom

Some advice and a poll! Click here….

New AP Mom–

As I read this situation, I think that you have the causality wrong. Yes, you need her room. But, you only need her room b/c you wanted to make her vacation possible. To make her vacation possible, you needed to have grandparents come and stay.

The way I see it:

1. Her change in plans (i.e., not taking vacation) is what is causing the problem.
2. You made many plans in advance to accommodate her.
3. Her lack of planning does not constitute an emergency that you have to fix.
4. You are not responsible for housing her while she is on vacation.

Other things to keep in mind:

It’s not only the bedroom situation that’s a problem, but the bedroom itself…. She can’t expect to have the use of her room really at all, if the grandparents need a place for their luggage, a place to change, etc. etc.

What the heck is your AP going to do in a little house, with no work to keep her occupied, and the house stuffed with 6 other adults and (is it two?) kids?

Options

• Have the au pair sleep in a kid’s bed, and have the kid(s) sleep on the floor in the parents’ room.
• Have the au pair sleep on an aerobed thingy in the kids play area (if you have one).
• Ask the AP to go take her vacation, or to sleep elsewhere (e.g., at a friend’s) for the 6 or so days of the overlap.
• Make a reservation in her name at a youth hostel in a city near you, one that can be reached by bus for less than $100 round trip. Only make the reservation– don’t pay for it. (Only do this if you can easily cancel the reservations.) Announce to her that you did this to help her out, and that the rest is up to her.
• Suggest that she find an au pair friend and do a swap– one week visiting her, one week visiting at your house.

Do Not pay for her to stay in a hotel.

Imho, this would just be teaching her that she can take advantage of other people in general and of you in particular. If it ends up that anyone stays in a hotel, it should be you or a grandparent…. but I think that this is a super-last resort.

The second to last resort? You and DPartner sleep on an aerobed in the kids’ room, whilst your parent stays in your room.

Keep an eye on the endgame

Since you are drawing to the close of a not great relationship, you are unlikely to get anything good out of being overly generous to your au pair. THere is pretty much nothing you can do to resolve this in a way that makes your au pair “happy” other than to pay for her hotel. But don’t do that! Instead, recognize that you’re going to need to have another direct and totally candid conversation with her, outlining her options of (1) going away for a week and paying for her vacation herself, (2) staying in a hotel nearby on a “staycation” for a week, paying for it by herself, or (3) finding herself another place to be during the two grandparents’ overlap.

Do you notice how the word “herself” crops up in all three suggestions?

Unless your au pair steps up and responds well to the request (okay, direction) that she take responsibility for her own vacation and her own choices, no other option will strengthen your host family-au pair relationship. So, in this kind of situation, your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) is to not let yourself get played.

Let’s take a poll on this one, and then have everyone chime in with their advice…

I just love reading all these posts nodding my head knowing I am not alone in my feelings!

One topic that I think may have been covered lightly is Out of Town Guests. Our Au Pair is having A TON of guests! She has her Step Father coming, a single girlfriend, a married couple, her mother, another single girlfriend, and so far that is it. Needless to say I was getting a little freaked out. I mean with only 10 vacation days I wasn’t sure how it was all going to sort out. I was worried we would turn into “Heather’s Hostel”!

I have no idea if everything is going to work out but I know when we screen our next Au Pair to ask what they anticipate in the way of visitors.

In the meantime, I wrote up a set of rules for out-of-town guests, which I’m attaching …

Best, Heather

Thanks so much Heather! Although we talked about the relationship implications of having lots of guests in the post on Your House Is Not A Youth Hostel, it always helps to spell out exactly what you can and can’t offer in terms of hosting guests. We did this a bit in the post "Setting guidelines when your au pair has guests … but let’s take it the whole way!

Out of Town Visitor Rules

Local transportation:

* Visitors will need to arrange for their own transportation (this includes transport to/from the airport, to/from the city, sightseeing during working hours, etc).

Staying in our home:

* You are welcome to have your single girlfriend stay in our home up to 4 nights during the month of August/September (please give us at least 2 weeks notice).

* You are welcome to have your mother stay in our home up to 7 nights (please give us at least 2 weeks notice).

* Visitors will stay on the lower level and use the lower level bathroom/shower.

* Visitors staying in our home during their visit only will be entitled to use our laundry facilities once during their visit.

* Visitors are not permitted to smoke in our home.

* Your other visitors should make alternative sleeping arrangements.

* Visitors staying in our home should not be left in our home alone.

* Visitors should shower at off hours and be respectful of hot water usage.

* The car will not be available for use on vacation days while visitors are here since a replacement childcare provider will need to use it.

* Visitors should be respectful of the kids schedule so quiet during Quiet Time and after 8pm.

* Food, beverage, toiletries should be purchased by visitor or au pair during length of stay.

* Host family is not responsible for cooking or cleaning up after visitors.

* Visitors are not permitted to drive the family cars.

* Visitors may use our phone only for short urgent calls and only if a calling card is used.

During Working Hours:

* It is important for you and your guests to be respectful of the time you are on duty. If a guest is with you, the main focus still should be first on the kids, especially when driving.

Does anyone have additional guidelines or advice to share?

Another wrinkle on vacations!

Our second au pair has arrived, and I need some au pair mom support and suggestions

This second au pair has been much more difficult than the first. She’s in the midst of her third week here, and we’ve already had a 3-point meeting with
the LCC and there have already been discussions about rematching.

Here’s one point where I’d like some guidance — vacation time. Before our au pair arrived at the end of May, I told her that my husband and I were both going through very busy and stressful times at work, and it would be like that until the end of July, so things were likely to be crazier than usual at our house during that time. On her first day here, she asked for the first week of July off so she could visit friends on the other side of the country for the holidays– a week when we really need her, AND when she has no vacation accrued.

She accepted when I said that wouldn’t work for us, but now she’s asked for the last week of August off, and is getting ready to buy tickets.

However, between her talk (and attitude) of not being happy here, and us not being 100% sure that this match is going to last, I want to tell her we aren’t prepared to give her more time off than she’s accrued for the first 6 months– the issue being that if we decide to transition and she’s already taken her vacation, she’s going to owe us money, which I am concerned we wouldn’t get. I feel that would be less likely of an issue after she had been here 6 months. Is this reasonable or unfair/over-controlling/being mean?

HostMom in Seattle:

I think you are smart to be cautious with the vacation time. Based on your first month so far, it doesn’t seem like your new au pair has a ‘service’ orientation– In other words, it doesn’t sound like she understands that being an au pair is a job. It makes sense that you’d want to hold off on giving her too many privileges ( like paying her vacation time) before they are earned.

If I were in your situation, I’d meet her halfway on this one, if I could.

First, I’d explain again that she will have earned (only) 1/4th of her 10 vacation days (slightly less than three), and explain that your agency contract says that vacation days should not be taken or paid before they are earned.

Then, if it is not an issue for you with needing childcare right then, you might offer to let her have an UNPAID week off. You could offer to pay her for the two days she’s earned so far, with a written-on-the-calendar commitment to give her the $ for the other 2.5 days when she hits six months. In other words, let her take the time now but be paid later. That way, (1) you’re not out any money, and (2) she doesn’t assume that time off is free for either her or you. And, you get to look flexible while holding your ground.

You could have this conversation as part of a larger conversation about how you expect the year to go– when she will be able to take vacation, when there are US holidays that she might work, how you will handle Christmas/Passover/Ramadan/Other and New Years’ and so on. You can also use this talk to suss out what her expectations are re: her free time to travel, her 13th month, her priorities for holidays, and other big picture scheduling issues.

Potential downside?: She might ask you to give her 8 paid vacation days in the future, claiming that the unpaid days did not count as vacation. You could explain ahead to avoid this.

What do you other host parents think HostMom in Seattle might try?

Be sure to check out these other posts about vacations:

Poll: Exactly how long is two weeks vacation? Advice wanted: Au Pair changed her vacation– now what?
Plan ahead for the holidays: How will your au pair celebrate with you?