From HostMom Needing Guidance:

Dear Au Pair Mom readers –

We’re 7 months into our year with our current AP. It’s been a good year so far and she is a great AP. She’s good with the kids and fairly easy to live with, and we’re starting to think about whether to extend. However, I have a recent issue that touches on two of our favorite topics here on AuPairMom…. car usage and money.

I’m not sure how to handle the situation and I would love your input.

Here’s the story: Our regular AP car was in the shop for maintenance, and our AP was using my car. I needed her to do some work-related driving during that time and told her she could use my car. (I drive a fairly new, nice car, so I rarely let my APs drive it. This time I made an exception because I feel comfortable with the driving skills and maturity level our current AP).

She had an out-of-town AP friend over during that time, so she also used my car on several occasions for outings with her friend. I was fine with this. During one of these outings with her friend, they somehow lost the GPS navigation CD that is used in my car. Our Au Pair said they went out at night on a brief errand, took the navigation CD out to play one of their CDs, put the GPS on the center console, and then when they took the car out the next morning, it was gone. They were the only ones who used the car during that time and it was parked in our driveway overnight.

Our AP admitted it was odd that the CD was missing, and she doesn’t really have any explanation for it. I have an odd suspicion that her friend may have had something to do with, like maybe she accidentally broke it or lost it and didn’t want to fess up, but I have no proof.

However, my issue is not so much that she lost it (things break, get lost — we are understanding of that) but that my AP has not displayed any accountability and does not really seemed to be at all concerned about it.

When we first discovered it was missing, we asked her to look for it, thinking that it has to be around somewhere. We had to keep going back to her to ask her if she had any luck finding it, versus her reporting back to us. Then once we started to realize that it is just not turning up anywhere, I walked through the scenario again with her in detail, hoping to either jog her memory or give me a better understanding of what happened, since it didn’t make any sense that it would just ‘disappear.’ She agreed that it was really weird, but didn’t offer any apology.

Even if she didn’t do anything wrong, I was still expecting some concern or acknowledgment from her that this is a fairly big inconvenience for us, both financially (a replacement CD costs $200) and for practical purposes, since it leaves me without GPS in my car. And, not one word from her about offering to replace it.

HD and I agree that we are going to ask her to pay for (at least in part) replacing it, but I am not sure whether to be cut and dry about it and just tell her how much she owes us or also to talk with her about my disappointment with how she handled the situation.

She is fairly responsible about our household and has not damaged or lost anything else that we’re aware of, but this makes me wonder about other situations. I wonder now if she would have any expectation of paying toward the deductible if she had an accident with our car, etc?

It just bugs me, because I would of course offer to replace someone else’s property if I was in any way responsible for damaging or losing it.

I’d really appreciate your thoughts, not only on what exactly to do or to ask for, but also how I should (or shouldn’t) let this affect our relationship.

Image : DrWhimsy on Flickr

This query was tucked away in a previous post: Tough Topic: When your au pair steals from you. I thought it deserved its own, up-to-the-minute conversation.

From Host Mom Pippa:

I just last week caught our au pair stealing little items from us, confronted her, and then caught her the next day stealing more.

AP was preparing a package to send home for Christmas. The top of the box was open and I immediately recognized that she had taken an Amazon blue fabric gift bag to fill empty space in the box. It took a split second for me to recognize the item and AP to know I’d seen it. Before I said anything, she volunteered out of the blue that her mother had sent it to her. I was a little annoyed that she had just lied, but recognized that she was on the spot and her instinct might have been to lie to protect herself. Who hasn’t done that?

Later I went to her and explained that I regularly use (and reuse) the bag for oddly shaped presents that can’t be wrapped, said that I understood she probably didn’t know it was valuable to me, and that if she wanted to use something to ask me first. I emphasized I wasn’t upset, but wanted to be clear that she needed to ask before taking. She removed it from the box and returned it to me and then said she needed to ask about one other thing. She showed me a gift box she had taken to use for the au pair meeting gift exchange. It happened to be a family heirloom from my husband’s childhood. I thanked her for telling me, offered her three other options for packing the present, and reinforced that she can’t know what’s valuable or not and so should always ask first before taking something. I thought the issue was dealt with.

After work the next day I entered APs room to retrieve the ringing family phone. The package she was preparing to send home was wide open on her bed and I immediately recognized a number of other items that belonged to me–not high value items, but meaningful to me. A Christmas stocking my grandmother made me. A decorative box I’d placed in APs room to hold office supplies. An assortment of Christmas cards she’d taken from my collection. A selection the loveliest fabric ribbons from my ribbon box.

Since she was away for the evening at a basketball game with two other au pairs (using very pricy tickets we’d gladly given her) I left a note on the box stating she’d taken things that were valuable to me and we needed to talk. The next morning she returned the Christmas stocking, asking if that was what I’d meant, but not the box or cards or ribbons. She cried and apologized and said there was no excuse. I expressed my anger and frustration that she had stolen, had lied, and then had stolen again AFTER I talked to her about not taking things without asking. I demanded that she return everything she had not purchased with her own money, ribbons, cards and box included. She protested that since the box was in her room she thought it was ok to use. She asked if I wanted to see everything in the box. I declined and said I trusted her to fix the problem. AP said she understood that she had broken our trust, and felt awkward. I assured her that I was angry but in time I would calm down and that we clearly needed to improve our communication.

A week later, I don’t that I did the right thing. On the one hand, the items were not particularly valuable and might, in a stretch, be viewed as “consumables,” and I have made and forgiven greater mistakes. On the other hand, my trust has been violated, and I am now hyper-vigilant and somewhat uncomfortable leaving her alone in the house. I absolutely do not trust her judgment about what is community property and what is not. And I find myself being retrospectively annoyed about her purchasing personal items (mostly junk food) with family grocery money. Which just seems petty. And wondering if the toddler’s swimsuit disappearing the day AP didn’t get much sleep and then reappearing the next day in a place I had searched thoroughly was a coincidence or was deliberate. Which just seem paranoid. I thought I would forgive and forget, but so far I’m still fuming. Is the problem mine (I’m being petty and paranoid) or serious enough to send the AP packing?

First reply is from HRHM, who offers:

Having been burned on this in the worst possible way – I suggest you start the rematch now. She’s an adult who despite all possible cultural differences, knows what stealing is and knows that those things weren’t hers to take/give away. She knew what she was doing was wrong the first time and if there was any doubt, she REALLY knew it the 2nd time. It’s not kleptomania (since her thefts serve a purpose – no compulsion) but rather a sense that either a)you are rich and won’t miss what she takes or b) she deserves to take these things because of how hard she works and how little she reaps from being your AP.

In our case, my biggest mistake was not calling the police and filing charges when it came out what she was doing. If you can’t trust her not to violate your personal property, how can you trust her to be alone with your kids? (and by the way, after ours was sent home for stealing, our 5 year old told us how she was forcing them to overeat and making up stories to scare her into doing what she wanted – case in point).

When we share a bond of trust with another person, we can can handle almost any kind of conflict or difference of opinion.

For most of us, we begin our relationships with our au pairs with a foundation of ‘swift trust’, and then build on this foundation as each party meets their obligations, treats the other with fairness and kindness, and operates with honesty and integrity. Like me, you’d probably give a lot more to an au pair whom you felt you could trust 100%.

When an au pair does something that challenges or breaks our trust in them, all bets are off. We reconsider what we are willing to give and how far we are willing to go beyond the basics. And, we also reconsider how we’ve operated in the past. We wonder, is this the first breach in trust, or have their been earlier deceptions that I’ve somehow overlooked? Have I been duped?

Trust is hard to recoup. It takes a good ‘clearing of the air’, a clear sense of future expectations, and a demonstration over time that expectations are being met.

One of my most trusted au pairs surprised me, when my DH noticed that she’d been driving the au pair car hundreds of miles a week. We hadn’t noticed before, since we rarely used that car ourselves, and it was the “change oil” light that tipped him off that the mileage on the car had soared. keep in mind, we have a ’5-mile radius, no driving on highways or to the City’ policy. We talked to our au pair and discovered that she’d been driving all over northern NJ to see her new boyfriend’s band. (Yes, on highways, late at night, coming home from bars. Not a good scene.)

We talked, reasserted our policy, got her agreement, moved forward, and I do believe she didn’t flout the car rules again. Of course, this was not a situation related to our children and her care of them, so it was easier to deal with and to repair. Even after just a few weeks, things seemed back to normal.

Not so for this DupedHostMom, below:

We are in our 19.5th month with a 24 year old au pair from Thailand. She has never been amazing, but has been mostly fine. She loves our twin toddlers (22 month), and they love her. (We also have 50% custody of a teenage, but AP has no responsibility for her) I work full time, odd hours out of the home, HD works full time, 60% out of the home. AP’s schedule is fairly regular, 40 hrs/week, 9-5, then avg. of 2 weekend days a month, with a corresponding weekday off. She is my first AP, but HD had several with his previous marriage.

A few months ago we had a mtg with the LCC and AP because she was not meting expectations: hiding in her room (or the bathroom) on the computer during nap time, rather than duties, one day left babies in cribs awake for an extra hour. Just sort of phoning it in. She vowed to improve, and made some modest improvements.

This week, the teenager was sick monday (fever/vomiting), one baby up sick all night last night (so one mama also up all night). HD is away on business. This morning, AP came down, said she felt sick and had a fever. I cancelled my day and sent her back to bed. When I spoke to HD late morning, he said AP was faking it. I went to bat for her. At 7, she said a friend (another thai AP) was stopping by to drop off some food for her, which I thought was sweet. At 7:30, AP is miraculously healed, dressed up, wearing makeup, and going out “for soup.” It is now 3 hrs later, and still not home.

I am so hurt/angry/disappointed. I’m completely fed up, and not sure how I can look her in the eye, let alone trust her anymore. I’m thinking about rematching, but at almost 20 months, is it really worth it?

Mostly I am just mad and feel like I got played.

I plan on having a talk tomorrow with her about how disappointed I was, and that I have problems trusting her. Thoughts?

Image: The joy of swinging by Brit

Dear AuPairMom, I’m hoping to get some input from your readers on a problem I have about trust and commitment to our family:

Our AP (our second) has been with us for a few weeks. Last weekend, she traveled outside the country to see a male friend. (He’s in a country nearer to the US than her home country.) Our Au Pair has told us that her family knows this guy and that she was visiting him.

We had a meeting about this, to explain that it looks poor in our eyes for her to be traveling extensively so soon after arriving here, and for a guy to boot. We also told her that we weren’t going to stop her from going.

The details surrounding this friend are very vague and she couldn’t/wouldn’t explain why she has to visit him so soon etc. We think that this is possibly her boyfriend and she planned all this long before she even joined our family. I didn’t ask about boyfriends prematch and she has not identified him as such, it is only our feeling.

What is bothering us mostly is the secrecy around this.

Our au pair’s attitude seems to be that this is her private life and no concern to us. I have tried to obtain more information about this from her, albeit in a subtle way, and have gotten few, sometimes inconsistent, pieces from her. At this point we feel uncomfortable and talking with her again seems fruitless since we feel that she didn’t put all cards on the table the first time when we had the meeting

For us, it comes down to trust: what is up with this guy, what are her real plans for being an au pair, what other things will she keep from us that are more directly related to the kids and us etc.?

I should also mention that I had a few days to marinate this issue now and spoke to another host mom. She thought that we were being intrusive of our AP’s personal life and she wouldn’t expect her au pair to open up about love life so soon in the relationship (with the host family).

Lastly, she is a nice person, we and the kids like her and she is starting to be more competent in her tasks. I think we are most afraid of a ‘what if our kids are not her 1st priority’ situation.

What do you all think? UnansweredQuestions

Dear UnansweredQuestions,

I can see why you might be concerned — immediate travel suggests that getting settled with your family many not be your AP’s top priority. And, whenever there’s a fellow (or galpal) in the mix, we wonder if social life is more important than the AP’s commitment to work with our family.

It’s hard to know how much of your AP’s reticence to talk things over is due to:

1. cultural differences in what feels right to disclose,
2. her personal threshold for privacy,
3. the depth of your very new relationship with her,
4. the simply awkwardness about discussing differences, or
5. that she’s trying to hide some kind of alternative agenda for her au pair year.

I’ll bet that #1-4 are just as likely as #5.

Keep in mind that — in your perception of this situation — her reluctance to talk seems like secrecy. But, it may be something else entirely.

Open yourself up to the possibility that there are other explanations.

Verify, but trust

If your top concern is whether or not your Au Pair is committed to your kids, their happiness and their safety, I think that this is what you should talk about with her. Depending on how direct or indirect your think you need to be, you can discuss this priority with her.

It is still so early in your year, and the other signs seem positive, so I’d give this one a little bit more time. Give her a sense of the behaviors you’ll look for (and/ or what you saw done by your previous au pair) that demonstrate commitment. If she behaves in ways that look to you to signal too little commitment, talk about these behaviors– but stay on the lookout for good behaviors too.

When we’ve talked on the blog about BBFs and GBFs, and well as romantic and close platonic friendships that Au Pairs have, we’ve realized that au pairs can have involving relationships and still do a great job with our kids. What seems to be diminished is the hang around, family time (which not everyone wants anyway). Even if this fellow is an important dude in your au pair’s social world, she can still have a great year with your as your au pair.

Parents and APs, what do you think?

See Also:

• Your Au Pair’s Friends: Key to Her/His Happiness?
• Your House is Not a Youth Hostel
• When Troubles Back Home Cause Distress

Images from Flickr:
Trust from Chapendra
Trust from MiikaS

I got an email from “Undercover Host Mom” — she is struggling with this dilemma:

Although we have a strict and absolute non-smoking policy, and discussed this before we matched with our au pair, I have come to wonder whether she is smoking in our car and maybe even in the house. (It’s hard to tell whether the smell is from her clothes or in the room itself.) Before I bring this up with our au pair, I am tempted to snoop around in the AP’s room to check for cigarettes.

But my question isn’t about the smoking part. It is about the snooping part.

This is actually one of those ‘tough topics’, when it is hard for us to talk candidly for fear of getting others upset.  Here’s what I’d like to know:

• Do host moms (or dads) snoop around the AP’s room, ever?

• Just to see what’s there, anything contraband or inappropriate?

• Or do they do snoop only if they have suspicions about something bad?

Or do other host parents simply never, ever, ‘look ‘?

Let’s also take a snapshot, with this poll:
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.
Parents, you are welcome to respond anonymously to this post. However, please choose a fake name that indicates whether you are a mom or dad (or au pair).

[Au pairs, please do not 'flame' parents who want to discuss this issue candidly.]

Also, let me provide a formal definition of “snooping”:

Snooping is walking in, looking around, and leaving.  Opening drawers, opening closets, opening suitcases, and opening journals is not “snooping”. I’m not sure what to call that, but that’s worse than snooping. Let’s just deal with plain vanilla snooping here…

Peek-A-Boo from Lucy James Photography

Host parents, we got a request for advice from an au pair who is facing temporary eviction while her host parents are on vacation. The situation is a bit of an emergency, since the family is slated to leave within the week. Your ideas? Here’s the situation:

Dear Au Pair Mom readers,

Photo by mamaloco on Flickr

A reader suggested that we talk about nanny cams. (She suggested the topic using the Skribit widget on the sidebar… hint hint).

Personally, I think nanny cams are kindof creepy, in general. And, if I were ever tempted to use one myself, it would be a sign to me that my relationship with my au pair was already over…and just awaiting the formalities.

Still, I can understand wanting to know what’s "really going on" at home, especially if your children are too young to tell you about it. I’m sure that, years ago, our first au pair Margit continued to rock my baby to sleep for her nap, rather than putting the baby into the crib as I asked her to. Of course, I knew that was happening because one I afternoon I came home early, and both Margit and the baby were asleep in the glide rocker, lullabies playing in the background. It was so sweet I started to cry. But I digress…

It just never got that bad, even with our 2 ‘bad’ au pairs, that I felt I needed to spy on them. If I ever felt that covert monitoring was necessary, it had more to do with concerns about driving the car to Canada or leaving curling irons plugged in overnight. But how about for you?

[Note: After reading the first few comments, I've added to the first poll a disctinction between using a nanny cam with or without your AP knowing...]
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll. Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.