SuperHost Mom and contributing AuPairMom Advisor TACL (Taking a Computer Lunch) noticed that the blog has been rather quiet of late. Using her Masterpiece Theatre Poirot and Holmes skills, she correctly deduced that I’ve been overwhelmed enough by work that I haven’t been able to keep up. As always, lots of work is good for me and my consulting, but not so good for AuPairMom.

As is her style, TACL has jumped in with a terrific contribution:

Ending the Year on The Right Note

Having hosted APs now for the better part of 10 years, I know how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sure, your AP said goodbye to her friends and family before she came to the U.S., but it was more of a “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” goodbye.

Having watched 6 au pairs say goodbye to us, and countless of their friends say goodbye, I realize what an emotional roller coaster it is very everyone. For those of us with school-age children, we watch their anxiety and separation. As host parents, if it’s not going well, we find fault with every little thing our AP does until we reach the boiling point. My own mother had a theory that it was easier to say goodbye to us as we went off to college if she was mad at us – same may hold true for APs.

And, I think it is worse for the APs. Of course they’re going home to see family and old friends, but they are leaving you behind, your kids, and their new friends. For the first time for many of them it isn’t “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” — they really don’t know if or when they will be able to return. (And if you’re mad at them, of course they won’t be able to return and it really is goodbye – how isolating.)

DH and I hosted a barbeque for our AP and her best AP friends. Although our AP doesn’t leave for a month, my own children are heading off to sleep-away camp and the number of free days was running out.

We asked them the same questions we ask at similar events every year: What do you most miss about home?, What meal are you going to ask your mom or grandma to make? What surprised you most about the U.S.? What will you miss most? And I will tell you, if you’re an AP at my table, you’re a very thoughtful young woman who speaks almost fluently in English (especially compared to the first time you showed up in our house in September). Going clubbing and partying were not among her answers.

I realized that as much as the bbq was a means for me and my family to say goodbye to my AP’s friends, it was also a goodbye for my AP and her best buddies.

They all met at orientation – they’re not even from the same cluster.. One is going to hit the road while her HF goes on vacation and will be gone before my AP returns from her own travel month. Another will head home almost immediately after her last day in the U.S., as her family needs her to use the money she has saved to pay for some university expenses at home.

And the 3rd? Her HF is leaving on vacation soon and ordered her not to be in the house when they return home, so her last goodbyes to her HKs will occur before they leave on vacation.[how cruel, says cv]

(And yes, she will arrive at our home just before her HF returns because our AP asked and we said yes – she is a sweet girl, perhaps still immature, but of all our AP’s friends, she is the one who is most communicative with us when she is our guest.) Personally, it makes me sad that she is cut-off from her year in the States. If she is to return to visit, then she is more likely to stay with us than her HF.

Why do I write this? Because I know how hard it is to stay on an even keel as HM as your AP does the count-down.

As they get ready to depart, APs need to have one last party, one last good-bye, while we as HMs still need the childcare. But think of this – not only is your AP an ambassador from her country – and her behavior will shape whether you say yeah or nay to a young woman (or man) from that country again — you are also an ambassador.

Have a final relationship-building check-in meeting

I’m not advocating bending over backward, or even giving in to every request. I’m advocating taking a deep breath and sitting down and having an honest conversation about what you want from her in the last 4-8 weeks of her year. Do this without getting angry or cutting her off from the rest of your life. Do this with the idea that it’s a chance to reinforce all the good things she’s done with and for your family.

Acknowledge that she has some very emotional goodbyes of her own to share.

My AP’s best friends are all from her country, but that doesn’t mean that it will be easy for them to get together. Each young woman has her own course of study at a different university in mind. They will move on – they are all adults now. From this point onward, friends will come in and out of their immediate lives and they will have to work hard to remain in contact with those with whom they had a close emotional relationship here during their AP year, at university, in their first job, etc. Just as we HMs and HDs do. However, at this point in their lives, it’s very hard to say “goodbye” and really mean “I don’t know when or if I will see you again.”

If you have less than 4 weeks left – it’s time to have one final check-in.

See also:
The 2nd Best Goodbye Gift You Can Give Your Au Pair (also by TACL)
“Her Next Adventure”: Telling your kids that your Au Pair is leaving
Saying Goodbye to an Au Pair you Parents really love
Goodbye Gifts for Your Au Pair
Phases of the AP Year
A Good Au Pair Relationship Requires Your Emotional Investment

Images: Kathi ci marcherai (we will miss you) cake, by electricblue86

Dear AuPairMom,

We are going into rematch with an au pair who has been with us for four weeks. Our rematch is fairly amicable; it’s all due to her inexperience behind the wheel and us needing better driving skills.   We like this young woman and wish her all the best with finding a new family.

My questions for readers are about how to mark her departure:

• Do we need to throw a farewell party or dinner?
• Do we have cake bidding her the best of luck?
• Should we give her a parting gift?

And here’s the trickiest question:

• Do we give her back the things she gave to us when she first arrived?

I am confused and would love to know how other HF have handled these scenarios.

Thanks in advance for your ideas,

MinneMom

See Also:
Goodbye Gifts for Your Au Pair
Image: Departure delayed from larskflem on Flickr

Last year one of our most active and committed community members “Taking a Computer Lunch“, casually mentioned something that she does for all of her au pairs shortly before they depart. She gives them the gift of “The Box“.

What is “The Box”?

We give our APs the biggest box their home countries permit, either for their birthdays or as a good-bye present, intending for them to fill it with the belongings that they want, but won’t shed tears if it doesn’t actually get to its destination.

Why is The Box such a great gift?

• Airlines have luggage weight regulations.
• Airlines charge horrific amounts for overweight extra luggage.
• Au Pairs like to buy souvenirs for their families at home.
• Au Pairs accumulate lots of their own souvenir treasures (like our au pair who made 6 full size scrapbooks while here… and then wondered how to get them home).
• Au Pairs buy a lot of stuff (shoes, books, clothing, shoes, clothing)
• Au Pairs often have full suitcases when they first arrive, so they have nowhere to put the new stuff.
• Host Parents can and will hand down, donate and recycle leftover stuff… but would rather not.

What will The Box cost you?

Says TACL:
It generally costs me $150 or so to send it airmail and insured for the amount of the postage fees, so it’s a generous gift. Most of my APs don’t realize the full value of the gift until a) they pack and b) they see how much the postage cost when they get home.

Extra APM Tip? Make The Box “Special”

Depending on whether or not you help your au pair pack the box, and if you take it to the UPS/PostOffice place yourself, you might tuck a little extra ‘something’ inside The Box... maybe some photos, some candy (something light weight) as one more token of your affection.

You can also decorate The Box-- or have your kids do it– so that it is especially cute when it shows up back home.

Now, of course, we love the concept of “The Box” — but it’s the 2nd best Goodbye Gift.

What is the 1st Best Goodbye gift?

Memories of a wonderful year.

Many thanks to “Taking a Computer Lunch” for this great idea and all the many other tips she’s shared with us on AuPairMom!!!

See also:
Saying Goodbye to an Au Pair you Parents really love
Getting her stuff back home: Is there a cheap way to ship things?
Goodbye Gifts

Note:   Despite what these illustrations suggest, I do not recommend that you pack your cat into The Box.
Images: Cat in the box?from mcwetboy Boxed cat from Mothlike

Readers, Here’s a specific question about choosing the right au pair for a family that has lost their mom through tragedy.

We had one host dad comment on our earlier post about single parents, and I know that there are at least two other host dad-readers who have lost their wives and who have hired au pairs to help with childcare and to offer a little extra warmth to the kids. Likely, there are other readers out there with first hand experience or other close up advice to share.

Here is our email from the host mom & friend wondering whether to suggest an au pair to a newly widowed dad:

Sadly, one of my closest friends recently passed away from breast cancer leaving behind a husband, a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I’m thinking an au pair MIGHT be a wonderful option for this family as he needs a lot of help with his children since he must continue to work full-time. However, I have the following concerns:

* Availability. Are there au pairs that a strong enough to handle this difficult situation where the family will be grieving the loss of this wonderful person and mother? (My friend needs a stable, sensitive person in the home, not someone that would bring more problems.)

* Perception concerns. Will people think it is creepy that a 40 something man has a 20 something young, un-married woman, living in the house? How does he and the au pair handle inappropriate comments?

* Setting kids up for another loss. Should he be concerned about hiring someone who might only stay one year? My children LOVE our au pair and I know it will be difficult when she leaves. For these children, whose mother has died, would an au pair leaving after one year be just another tough loss for them?

BTW this father is a typical engineer – focused on facts, very organized and does not readily show emotion.

I’m sure there are more questions but these are some of the key ones. I welcome your comments and your advice. Thank you so much. AG

Hi AG,

It is so hard to lose a friend, to cancer or to another tragedy; I am so sorry for your loss. I can appreciate how much it could mean to you, and to your friend’s family, for you to be able to offer them some help with the childcare challenges. I hope we can offer some helpful insights.

Of course there is no filling in the space left by the loss of a mom (or a wife, or friend). And, I agree with you that an au pair may be a very good way to provide both childcare and another consistent adult presence. A great au pair could be a positive force in this family’s situation.

I’m pretty sure that other host parent will agree; there are some au pairs who would be great in this situation. I know that some of our former au pairs would have been able to handle this well, and I know two au pairs who have been in similar situations and handled it well.

The challenge is not just finding an au pair who can handle it but also finding one that can fit well with a family that (regardless of the chance that stress will change what’s ‘normal’ for the famiy) is a good fit in terms of personality.

We’ve talked a little bit on other posts about the perception issues – so look there for ideas to add to what readers will share in the comments.

With regard to the kids and another experience of loss – this strikes me as the hardest issue.

Even if an au pair extends for another year, she or he will eventually go back home. But it is also true that other kinds of caregiving arrangements don’t always last as long as you hope. People leave, they change jobs, etc. A friend of mine just lost her nanny of three years when the nanny died suddenly in her sleep! So there is no guarantee.

When people ask me if it is hard for kids to say goodbye to an au pair, I answer that yes, it can be hard to say goodbye. This is one of the things that host kids get to learn how to do when they have au pairs.

The flip side, the positive side, of this is that host kids learn that there are many different people out there who can come into their lives and create a loving relationship with them, and leave and continue a loving relationship with them. Kids learn that people leave, that this is okay, and that there is a lot of love out there to be shared.

Let’s hear from you readers— what advice can you offer AG?

See Also:

Myths about Au Pairs: Au Pair = “Hottie”
Follow Up: Rude Comments about Au Pairs– How to respond

Photo: Lost-in-Lomo from Joel Bedford on Flickr

Here’s a painful situation, about which this host mom could use some good advice. I’m sure that this kind of situation has happened to other families who’ve gone into rematch [Something similar happened to us with our flame-out au pair, and so reading this mom's email got me all mad all over again. What went wrong here? This mom may never know. ]

Our 21 year-old au pair abruptly stopped speaking with both of us host parents on Monday, and then quit and moved out of the house overnight on Tuesday, after we tried to sit down and determine what was going on with her. She refused to speak with us when we tried to determine what was bothering her and, although she is in touch by email, we have no idea where she has gone or why.

This au pair traveled extensively with our family, received “perks” of tennis lessons, sailing lessons, and a club memberships. She has developed friendships with our friends and neighbors.

We opened our home to several of her friends for weeks at a time, and hosted her parents, sister and grandmother at Christmastime, providing car service to and from the airport and a case of wine for their enjoyment. The relationship, which was approaching its eleventh month, seemed fine from the host family perspective. We were pleased with her interaction with the three children (9. 8 and 4), and her growth as a member of the household.   She has been interested in extending (we don’t extend beyond a year with anyone), and we encouraged her take what she has learned with us and apply it to a different situation, in a different region of the country, and we actively supported her efforts to do so, helping her tweak her online profile, etc.

Her suddenly invoking the silent treatment and then refusing to discuss matters with us has felt rude, immature and hurtful given the good year to this point and the generosity we have extended in sharing our lives with her.

We are an experienced host family, having had approximately eight years’ worth of au pairs, and we are completely flummoxed by the situation, but here’s the kicker…she wants to come around and say goodbye to the children.

My husband is of the opinion that our now-former au pair doesn’t deserve this privilege. He wonders who we are trying to mollify and feels that our kids need to move on. He feels that it is better for them to have the same reaction as we did (bewilderment, shock) so, as a “team” we can all pull each other through it. If the au pair couldn’t or wouldn’t explain herself to the host parents, what could she possibly say to our children?

At this point, the children are mixed about whether they care to see her again. They are hurt, angry and confused, as are we.

However I don’t want the rawness of our emotions at this time to cloud our judgment, and I am curious what more objective souls might say. — Dee

Quick poll:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.
Share your thoughts in the comments!
And, obviously, we’ll need to hear how the rest of the story unfolds Dee…

(Several readers have asked to see this list again… turns out it’s been hard to find, probably I need to use more & better tags. Until the rainy day when I get to play with the folksonomy, here’s the Checkout Task List! originally posted Aug 25, 2008)

When your aupair is getting ready to leave for home or for ‘her next adventure’, there is a confusing array of tasks for her to attend to. Here is a partial list of tasks — tasks related to the home and the kids– that might help you and your departing au
pair stay focused.

Change the outgoing voicemail message on your house phone and also on the cell phone, giving someone a telephone number or e-mail address where you can be contacted.
Erase any voicemail messages and contacts information from the telephone.
Remove your name from the cell phone welcome screen.
If you have changed any of the voicemail passwords, return those passwords to the original numbers.

Other items: mail, telephone messages on the house phone, library books, library card, videos, random stuff

Please leave us a street address where your mail can be forwarded if any pieces if anything is delivered here after you leave.
Go to the post office and fill out a card they are so that the post office can automatically forward your mail to your new street address.
Please leave us a telephone number that we can share with anyone who calls trying to reach you.
Be sure to let your bank know that your address is changed, you don’t want to miss any important documents.
If you have any outstanding library books, please return these to the library.
If you have any videos rented from Blockbuster, return these videos
If you have a family blockbuster card, gather this up.
Please bring down the aupair notebook, and any other parenting books or information we might have given you.
If you have any car keys, pool tags, bike lock keys, etc. please gather these up.

Car

Take the car to a car wash and have it cleaned fully inside and out.
Check all of the compartments in the car for your belongings.
Fill the tank completely with gas.
Check to make sure that the insurance documents and maps are put away neatly in the car glove box.

Finish washing the kids’ laundry, fold it and put away.
Check the laundry room for any random pieces of kids’ laundry, put it away.
Check the laundry room for any of the kids’ ironing, finish that up, put it away.
Be sure to check the laundry room for your clothing — it’s easy to leave something behind on the drying rack or in one of the laundry baskets.

Kids’ bedroom

Put fresh sheets on the kids’ beds.
Wash the old sheets, fold them neatly, and put them away in the linen closet.
Tidy up the girls’ room.

Other areas
In all of the places around the house that the aupair is responsible for keeping tidy, gather all library books, laundry, shoes, etc., and cookies away wherever they go. Please leave these areas very neat.

For the Host Parent(s)

Cleaning supplies:
Make sure that you give your aupair all the supplies she might need to get her room clean.