Ending the Au Pair Year on the Right Note, by Host Mom TACL

cv harquail — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 11:51:58 +0000

SuperHost Mom and contributing AuPairMom Advisor TACL (Taking a Computer Lunch) noticed that the blog has been rather quiet of late. Using her Masterpiece Theatre Poirot and Holmes skills, she correctly deduced that I’ve been overwhelmed enough by work that I haven’t been able to keep up. As always, lots of work is good for me and my consulting, but not so good for AuPairMom.

As is her style, TACL has jumped in with a terrific contribution:

Ending the Year on The Right Note

Having hosted APs now for the better part of 10 years, I know how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sure, your AP said goodbye to her friends and family before she came to the U.S., but it was more of a “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” goodbye.

Having watched 6 au pairs say goodbye to us, and countless of their friends say goodbye, I realize what an emotional roller coaster it is very everyone. For those of us with school-age children, we watch their anxiety and separation. As host parents, if it’s not going well, we find fault with every little thing our AP does until we reach the boiling point. My own mother had a theory that it was easier to say goodbye to us as we went off to college if she was mad at us – same may hold true for APs.

And, I think it is worse for the APs. Of course they’re going home to see family and old friends, but they are leaving you behind, your kids, and their new friends. For the first time for many of them it isn’t “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” — they really don’t know if or when they will be able to return. (And if you’re mad at them, of course they won’t be able to return and it really is goodbye – how isolating.)

DH and I hosted a barbeque for our AP and her best AP friends. Although our AP doesn’t leave for a month, my own children are heading off to sleep-away camp and the number of free days was running out.

We asked them the same questions we ask at similar events every year: What do you most miss about home?, What meal are you going to ask your mom or grandma to make? What surprised you most about the U.S.? What will you miss most? And I will tell you, if you’re an AP at my table, you’re a very thoughtful young woman who speaks almost fluently in English (especially compared to the first time you showed up in our house in September). Going clubbing and partying were not among her answers.

I realized that as much as the bbq was a means for me and my family to say goodbye to my AP’s friends, it was also a goodbye for my AP and her best buddies.

They all met at orientation – they’re not even from the same cluster.. One is going to hit the road while her HF goes on vacation and will be gone before my AP returns from her own travel month. Another will head home almost immediately after her last day in the U.S., as her family needs her to use the money she has saved to pay for some university expenses at home.

And the 3rd? Her HF is leaving on vacation soon and ordered her not to be in the house when they return home, so her last goodbyes to her HKs will occur before they leave on vacation.[how cruel, says cv]

(And yes, she will arrive at our home just before her HF returns because our AP asked and we said yes – she is a sweet girl, perhaps still immature, but of all our AP’s friends, she is the one who is most communicative with us when she is our guest.) Personally, it makes me sad that she is cut-off from her year in the States. If she is to return to visit, then she is more likely to stay with us than her HF.

Why do I write this? Because I know how hard it is to stay on an even keel as HM as your AP does the count-down.

As they get ready to depart, APs need to have one last party, one last good-bye, while we as HMs still need the childcare. But think of this – not only is your AP an ambassador from her country – and her behavior will shape whether you say yeah or nay to a young woman (or man) from that country again — you are also an ambassador.

Have a final relationship-building check-in meeting

I’m not advocating bending over backward, or even giving in to every request. I’m advocating taking a deep breath and sitting down and having an honest conversation about what you want from her in the last 4-8 weeks of her year. Do this without getting angry or cutting her off from the rest of your life. Do this with the idea that it’s a chance to reinforce all the good things she’s done with and for your family.

Acknowledge that she has some very emotional goodbyes of her own to share.

My AP’s best friends are all from her country, but that doesn’t mean that it will be easy for them to get together. Each young woman has her own course of study at a different university in mind. They will move on – they are all adults now. From this point onward, friends will come in and out of their immediate lives and they will have to work hard to remain in contact with those with whom they had a close emotional relationship here during their AP year, at university, in their first job, etc. Just as we HMs and HDs do. However, at this point in their lives, it’s very hard to say “goodbye” and really mean “I don’t know when or if I will see you again.”

If you have less than 4 weeks left – it’s time to have one final check-in.

Images: Kathi ci marcherai (we will miss you) cake, by electricblue86

Au Pair Abruptly Quits, then wants to come back to see kids. Really? (poll)

cv harquail — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:21:45 +0000

Here’s a painful situation, about which this host mom could use some good advice. I’m sure that this kind of situation has happened to other families who’ve gone into rematch [Something similar happened to us with our flame-out au pair, and so reading this mom's email got me all mad all over again. What went wrong here? This mom may never know. ]

Our 21 year-old au pair abruptly stopped speaking with both of us host parents on Monday, and then quit and moved out of the house overnight on Tuesday, after we tried to sit down and determine what was going on with her. She refused to speak with us when we tried to determine what was bothering her and, although she is in touch by email, we have no idea where she has gone or why.

This au pair traveled extensively with our family, received “perks” of tennis lessons, sailing lessons, and a club memberships. She has developed friendships with our friends and neighbors.

We opened our home to several of her friends for weeks at a time, and hosted her parents, sister and grandmother at Christmastime, providing car service to and from the airport and a case of wine for their enjoyment. The relationship, which was approaching its eleventh month, seemed fine from the host family perspective. We were pleased with her interaction with the three children (9. 8 and 4), and her growth as a member of the household. She has been interested in extending (we don’t extend beyond a year with anyone), and we encouraged her take what she has learned with us and apply it to a different situation, in a different region of the country, and we actively supported her efforts to do so, helping her tweak her online profile, etc.

Her suddenly invoking the silent treatment and then refusing to discuss matters with us has felt rude, immature and hurtful given the good year to this point and the generosity we have extended in sharing our lives with her.

We are an experienced host family, having had approximately eight years’ worth of au pairs, and we are completely flummoxed by the situation, but here’s the kicker…she wants to come around and say goodbye to the children.

My husband is of the opinion that our now-former au pair doesn’t deserve this privilege. He wonders who we are trying to mollify and feels that our kids need to move on. He feels that it is better for them to have the same reaction as we did (bewilderment, shock) so, as a “team” we can all pull each other through it. If the au pair couldn’t or wouldn’t explain herself to the host parents, what could she possibly say to our children?

At this point, the children are mixed about whether they care to see her again. They are hurt, angry and confused, as are we.

However I don’t want the rawness of our emotions at this time to cloud our judgment, and I am curious what more objective souls might say. — Dee

Quick poll: