We have a wonderful au pair who has been living with us for 2 months. Unfortunately, due to a family medical emergency, we need to relocate to the other coast within the next 6 weeks. We will not be able to take our au pair with us so she will need to rematch.

We want to give our au pair as much time as possible to find a new family, but we also need childcare for the next 6 weeks. When should we tell her?

I want her to have time to search for a new family, but I don’t want her leaving us before we move. Our contract implies au pair’s have about 2 weeks to rematch so do we give her 2 weeks? Can we tell her sooner but let her know that she won’t be available to move until x date (closer to when we relocate)?

We’re trying to create a smooth transition that works for everyone in this very stressful time, and so we’d love some advice. — RBD

It’s funny how sometimes, when it’s your situation, the whole thing seems complex. Then when someone else reads it, the answer is clear. Or not.

Do we ever really know whether a new au pair (or host family) is just struggling to get adjusted, or instead if it’s a lost cause?

Check out the description from HM, who is hosting her fourth au pair. Previous relationships have been good, but with this one “We’ve hit a serious snag.”

Our au pair, “Amy” is 20 and from Germany. Our previous au pairs have all been from German or Austria. We have never rematched, although one of our au pairs left in the first week, having had a total change of heart. Other than that, we have had three great years with three very different au pairs.

Amy, however, is like no one we have encoutered before. All her skills are good – good English skills, good driving and gets on well with the children.

I work outside the home part-time, and our children are 3 and 6 years old. We live in the suburbs of a major city.

Amy has been with us for 5 weeks.

The problems with Amy are as follows:

1. Amy has not made an effort to make friends. Even our LCC has reported that Amy did not respond when the LCC introduced her to several au pairs at a recent cluster party and that Amy left early saying she wanted to go home.
2. Amy complains constantly about everything. She does not say “I hate _ _.” Rather, she will say: my room is too warm; my room is too cold; it is loud; I don’t like the LCC; None of the girls have time to spend with me; I can’t travel because the girl I want to travel with has to work; I went to the city but it was too hot, etc. etc.
3. Amy is very unhappy if we go out for the day and do not include her in the plans. However, we include her in almost everything and when she does join us, she does not seem to enjoy it at all. I suspect that she does not know WHAT she wants and is unhappy and confused.

Bottom Line: taken all together, I think Amy is miserable here and should go home, but would welcome opinions. As I said above, her one saving grace is that she is great with the children, always on time, professional etc. It’s everything outside of the job that is awful.

Please help! Regards all, HM

grumpy guts by tripp-e on Flickr
we are not amused by mrsraggle on Flickr

Some call it losing your Host Mom Mojo. Others call it cold feet. Whatever it is that MR has, she needs some advice:

"My new au pair is scheduled to arrive in less then 3 weeks. So far, we have had 2 au pairs in one year, both were failed matches. To make the matters worse, the last au pair left us with no notice, aided by LLC, and left us in a complete bind with no child care. We have been juggling two kids, two full time jobs, numerous school closings (some with only 24 hour notices), and a house renovation for the past month.

Now with the new au pair picked, and ready to come, I am starting to get very nervous. We have selected her from a list of available au pairs who matched our criteria, interviewed her extensively, and thought and still think that she could be a good match. She is energetic, experienced, experienced driver, smart, has excellent English skills, outgoing, and so far very communicative. All the things that none of our past two au pairs weren’t.

We cannot wait to for her to arrive and take some burden off of my husband and me. But at the same time, it is almost like I am getting cold feet. What if this does not work out? I don’t think I could handle another failed match."

Has anyone else ever gotten this cold feet type feeling? How did you deal with it?

Hi AuPair Mom and other other host moms (and dads),

Our situation is confounding us! Please help us understand…

We have had an absolutely bright, lovely, and energetic 20-year-old Swedish au pair for two months. We had a great first month with her and couldn’t imagine getting along better with anyone! We had a great relationship with her as host parents and she with us.

She struggled the first month developing the relationship with our boys, ages 2 and nearly 4. The four-year-old was “testing” and he took a bit of patience and work. The younger boy was the challenge for her, as she had lots of changes she wished to make with his behavior (help him become more self-reliant, independent, use a fork when he eats, etc.). After month one, things really started sailing smoothly between them and his behavior improved dramatically.

Then, two weeks ago, she sits me down during one of our weekly talks to tell me that even things have improved with the boys, she just isn’t feeling “comfortable”. The only thing she can specify is that in Sweden she is used to a “higher standard of living”, “spoiled”, and used to more privacy and space. She has a 12×12 room downstairs with her own bathroom and off hours certainly hears the kids during the day, although they nap in the afternoon and are in bed by 8pm. She says she has too much time on her hands, as she works three full days and two half-days/week. The two half-days are in the afternoon when the boys are napping or resting.

She says she wants to busier and perhaps would enjoy being with older children who she can take to sports games, etc. in the afternoon. She says that she can’t imagine staying a year and in fact, within the next few days she makes a formal decision to “transition” to a new family. She doesn’t know if the au pair program is right for her, but she wants to try one additional family before deciding against it.

We are so incredibly disappointed, as the children have really bonded to her now and we are so trusting of her competence and caregiving.

We are of course respecting her decision, but I do remind her that one of the key things to a good year is the host-parent/au pair relationship!! And, she will interview a family in our town in two days -a family with five children and a stay-at-home mom, so a very different experience for sure! We wish she could tell us more specifically so that we could really understand why she is leaving. Others I’ve talked to think it’s because many of her au pair friends are from a wealthy neighborhood a bit further south where they have their own granny units, wings of houses, BMW’s to drive, etc. She just seems so much more down to earth than that!

Anyways, we have been lucky and found another au pair (Brazilian) in transition who will come next week.

We know that we have been flexible, supportive, and interested in her well-being and happiness, so at least feel we’ve done all we can for her. We are left with a feeling, though, of just not understanding the situation, which is upsetting. We are also not sure of what to tell the kids about her impending and abrupt departure, especially as they may see her in the neighborhood with other children!

Any advice would be awesome. I look forward to having this site on my bookmarks!! Thanks, Stacey

Oh Stacy, where to begin? First, let me tell you– many of us have ‘been there’. Things seem good, and the out of the blue, she wants to rematch. Sure, she may have good reasons (or not). And you may be disappointed (or even angry, which would be fair). I must be feeling a bit grouchy, b/c my own thoughts are:

1. Even though you might want to work it out, don’t bother. She has shut the door already.

2. Even though you you might want to figure it out, don’t bother to try. She won’t be able to give you accurate information, since everything gets adjusted once she decided she wanted to leave– post-hoc rationalization, it’s called. Anyway, would she be able to give you reasons that felt okay? Would that really help?

3. I’d be pretty irked that your agency would let her be re-matched so soon, without a long enough adjustment time (6 weeks is really short unless the situation is completely dire– which yours is not).

4. I’d be pretty irked that your agency& LCC didn’t intervene and help you try to work it out. Just because she thinks she might ‘prefer’ something different does not mean that, after matching with you and agreeing with your situation, she can just decide it’s not good enough.

5. I’d be pretty irked that your LCC would allow her to be re-matched in the same community. (Our LCC would not allow that, for good reason.) It is not really fair to the kids for her to be around… what are they supposed to think, that they weren’t good enough? Kids often/always think things like this are their fault (or at least the 4 yr old might). Plus, it’s not kind to you and your spouse to have to see her and be reminded of the effort that you put in that has gone to waste.

6. We had several Swedish APs in our cluster, and my sister did also in her cluster, and most of them (like, 8 out of 10) left early. Is it a Swedish thing? Was it a bad agency liaison in Sweden who didn’t tell them accurately what to expect? I don’t known the cause, but I do know the outcome– lots of girls with an insufficient commitment to making it work.

7. You are probably a nicer person than me… but in this situation, grumpy, pissed off, tired, overworked and under-appreciated me would be pretty resentful. Actually, when I think about when something similar to this happened to me, I really struggled with resisting the temptation to hope that her new situation sucked so badly that she rued the day she said my house wasn’t good enough!) (ooh, getting steamed now).

8. As long as you know that you and your partner were kind, fair, welcoming, supportive, and generous where it matters— burn a little sage, swish it around the AP room, and then open the windows. It’s nothing you did, nothing you can do. It’s her. Chalk it up to immaturity, or lack of self-understanding, or lack of whatever, recognize that you liked a lot about her but that when it came right down to it, she was not committed to your family or your kids. Thus, you don’t want her. She is wrong for you.

I will leave it to other parents to offer ideas re: telling the kids. I need to go off in a huff and be mad on your behalf. < she stomps off to the laundry room >

Hey moms-

We are in rematch and are having our Exit Interview this Saturday. Can anyone please share their experience and tell me what to expect? Our au pair has been with us for almost 4 months and we have struggled with this decision, but it is necessary to make it and move on. She is a very sweet girl, but is still unable to pass the driving test, which is making life a bit stressful instead of relieving any stress.
Thank you so much!!

Please share your thoughts, stories, recommendations …. !

Just a quick, little story:

I heard through the grapevine that the au pair we had briefly, who rematched with another family over “personality issues” is in rematch– again. This made me wonder, just as I wondered when this au pair was in rematch the first time:

Why didn’t you call me?

Yes, you, host-parent-in-rematch. Why didn’t you call me?

Sure, it might have been a little awkward for you — especially if I really was that psycho host mom the au pair described to you. Even so, didn’t you want to know whether there was something that I could have shared with you, host mom to host mom?

If I’d said “We’re heartbroken that she wants to go to California to be near her friend from home” you’d have felt even more excited to welcome her into your home.

If I’d said, “She wasn’t confident driving in our town” or “She really preferred working with younger kids” or “She refused to work any Saturday nights” then you’d have had a little fuller picture of her skills and interests.

Or, If I’d said “She was unwilling to use the discipline system (timeouts) we prefer” or “She called my daughter a brat”, then you might have been forewarned about her attitude and flexibility.

But you didn’t call me.

And now, just 4 weeks later, you’re in rematch again.

I could have told you.

But you didn’t call me.

– Thoughts of her send chills down your spine.
- You see her in your dreams.
- Thumps on the third floor make you think she still lives here.
- You can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching you, criticizing you, maybe even disliking you.

You can’t shake it, because you’re haunted.
Haunted by the Ghost of a Bad Au Pair.

If you’ve never had a ‘bad’ au pair, lucky you. You’ll never know just how long the memories of that bad relationship might trouble you. And, you may never realize just how deeply your approach to a new au pair, as well as your concerns, defenses, and self-confidence, might have been negatively affected.  You may think that other host moms are just making up ‘bad’ Au Pair Ghost stories. But for any of us host moms who have had a ‘bad’ au pair, that ghost can be all too real.

I was reflecting recently on my own experience with a ‘bad’ au pair… an otherwise lovely young woman who, for a variety of reasons, wasn’t the right au pair for us. And, I’m wondering, as I start to interview new au pair candidates— How can I keep my experience of this bad relationship from affecting how I evaluate candidates, what I think I can reasonably expect from a new au pair, and how much freedom, responsibility, and emotional energy I feel able to give her?

If you’ve had a ‘bad’ au pair or an unsuccessful au pair relationship, how have you exorcized its ghost? What have you done to start afresh?

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