One of our moms has an au pair challenge that combines two of the most frustrating au pair-related problems:

(1) Her au pair doesn’t always tell the truth, and

(2) her au pair doesn’t seem to appreciate what the host mom & family have to offer her.

To top that off, our host mom hasn’t had a great experience (yet) with au pairs as a concept– so she has more hope than proof that au pairs can be great.

(Dawn, how old is your ap, and what country is she from?)

Here are the elements of Dawn’s situation:

Background:

We have our 4th au pair. I have 3 little girls 8, 5, 2.5. Our AP has been with us since Sept. (4 months now).

We have not had much luck with au pairs: 1st went home after 6 months to go back to get her Masters. 2nd: from Maldova and was fostering an immigration ring (but it did not work). 3rd was a rematch and was a nightmare and now this….we do not have any great feelings about this whole AP deal.

Problems with untruthfulness:

My biggest issue is she lies–she busted the van and we questioned her about it for 2 days until she fessed up–it was a hit and run…not good. We did not approach her in a threatening manner. This was not quite 2 months into the contract. Since then, she has done other things–more lying, that I am having a difficult time with. She bold face lied to me again today about an incident, her story does not add up. Now I am getting a taste of having a teenager..ugh.

Problems with generally being inconsiderate:

The first couple of weeks, I went with her to a couple of churches as we did not have a young adult group. We found her one. I dropped her off at 7pm and we discussed picking her up at 9pm sharp. I waited until 920 then called her phone. She was “talking with some friends”. I told her I was waiting and had much to do at home. 10 minutes later, I called her phone again and she told me she had found a ride home. I was furious!! The next day she told me that I treated her like a teenager. My response was, I would expect more of a teenager.

Not particularly appreciative:

We take her to Taekwondo with us, as it is our family activity, and we pay for her to attend. She really enjoys it but just does not see what we have done.

At Christmas, we got her a leather binder folder for when she goes to school. She immediately started going through the pockets to see if there was anything more in it…We also got her some other gifts but she just seemed like “so”.

And ..

She comes from a strong Christian family (as are we) and so I would expect some of these behaviors would be non-existent.

She is good with the kids, to the best of our knowledge but is lazy and will leave things despite my instructions.

Your thoughts?

Anyhow, not sure what we should do? any advice? I am ready to pull out my hair. Dawn

Hi Moms-

Just got this request for advice from another mom– It’s one of those questions that I find especially vexing: Can this relationship be saved? And, even before that, Should it be?   What do you think?  Here’s the story:

I’m having a personality conflict with my au pair and am really unsure as to whether to try to work it out or cut my loses. These “conflicts” last for several days after I correct something she’s done. The first time, one of my boys indicated several times over two days that he wasn’t getting enough lunch. So, I checked to see what my au pair was putting in the lunch box. This then became that I was accusing her of starving my children and she wouldn’t speak to me for four days. This last time, she was 20 minutes late in starting in the morning. I knocked on her door to wake her up. This was the second time that week (she’s only on three mornings during the week), so I indicated if she needed help in understanding how to set her alarm clock we would help. That was four days ago. Last night – during our regular family meeting — she indicated that I discount her feelings and am unaware of her perspective on life, and that we were in crisis.

I will be the first admit that I am not a touchy feely person who solicits “friend” conversations with my au pair. I go to law school full-time and barely have enough time for my kids, much less time for a 26-year-old grown woman. I see her in passing in the morning and at the dinner table. I do thank her on an almost daily basis for doing my little girl’s hair, for taking the dog for a walk (not required to do so), for doing this or that with my kids. I say good morning, how are you doing, all the basic pleasantries. We had an au pair for two years and there were no serious conflicts at any time between us. Can it be fixed or will it just get worse?

Here’s my quick summary of the points:

• This mom is doing her best to be kind and encouraging to her AP.
• She has given the AP direct, specific feedback about things that need to be changed or adjusted.
• She is conscientious about having meetings for feedback * relationship building, and (probably) doesn’t have a lot of flexible, informal time for interacting with the Au Pair.
• The mom has some previous experience so she knows it can work and that she has been a good host mom.

• The AP tasks in question are straightforward: making lunch and being on time. Neither one of these tasks is a "style" issue — just simple objective changes are needed.
• On the down side– sleeping late twice in one week? Not a good sign.
• On the plus side, the topic did come up during a family meeting.

• The AP is a full grown adult (no teenager here).
• She seems to have a overly dramatic reaction to criticism, both in terms of responding out of proportion and dragging things out.

We don’t know:

• How long the AuPair has been with the family/how much left in your year?
• Whether the Mom is otherwise happy with the AP, her childcare approach, and her job performance.
• Whether the kids like the AP.

Other questions we might have:

• Does the mom actually like the AP?
• Is the AP otherwise a nice addition to the family?
• Any other signs of problems (low job performance, mean to kids, unsafe)?

Because my own bad experiences with APs had to do with one who was simply unwilling to try anything other than what she-was-doing-that-wasn’t-working, and another who was a drama queen, I’m a bit biased. So I want to hear what you all have to say, before I add my $.02.

Moms, help!

Just a quick, little story:

I heard through the grapevine that the au pair we had briefly, who rematched with another family over “personality issues” is in rematch– again. This made me wonder, just as I wondered when this au pair was in rematch the first time:

Why didn’t you call me?

Yes, you, host-parent-in-rematch. Why didn’t you call me?

Sure, it might have been a little awkward for you — especially if I really was that psycho host mom the au pair described to you. Even so, didn’t you want to know whether there was something that I could have shared with you, host mom to host mom?

If I’d said “We’re heartbroken that she wants to go to California to be near her friend from home” you’d have felt even more excited to welcome her into your home.

If I’d said, “She wasn’t confident driving in our town” or “She really preferred working with younger kids” or “She refused to work any Saturday nights” then you’d have had a little fuller picture of her skills and interests.

Or, If I’d said “She was unwilling to use the discipline system (timeouts) we prefer” or “She called my daughter a brat”, then you might have been forewarned about her attitude and flexibility.

But you didn’t call me.

And now, just 4 weeks later, you’re in rematch again.

I could have told you.

But you didn’t call me.

Being an Au Pair’s host mom occasionally calls for you to help your au pair take care of herself, both physically and emotionally. You will find yourself needing to offer her ideas about how to distinguish between a cold and an allergy, how to find new friends, and almost certainly how to deal with homesickness.

If your au pair seems depressed or is spending a lot of time in her room, sleeping, and/or on the phone & computer, it’s possible that she’s missing her family, friends and familiar environs. I get homesick sometimes when I’m away for two nights for work– so I can empathize with an au pair who realizes that 12 months is a long time and home is a long way away.

Can you keep your au pair from becoming homesick?

Probably not. Your au pair is in charge of her emotions, so there’s not much you can really "do" to prevent homesickness or to fix it for her. But, you can help your au pair deal with homesickness by offering her some advice and strategies. Talya , a former Au Pair who writes at Best Au Pair Guide , recently wrote about how to manage homesickness . You could print out Talya’s post for your au pair, or email it to her. You might also encourage your au pair to look at her au pair program materials for their advice and encourage her to talk to her Local Community Counselor. And, as a host mom you can do a few things that might help:

1. Invite your au pair to talk about her family and her friends at home. Ask her to describe personalities, tell stories, and talk politics. While some of this can look like ‘cultural exchange’, it can also help your au pair feel connected to her home.  For your au pair, sometimes being able to make far-away people part of her everyday conversations with you can help her create a connection between where she is now and where she was & will be. Instead of being isolated from home, she might think of herself as being what connects home and here.

A side benefit for you and your children is that you learn more about your au pair’s world– you may understand her more deeply, and/or get a fuller sense of who she is. This, in turn, can help build your relationships and reduce the loneliness that triggers homesickness.

2. Ask your au pair about the new world that she’s creating here for herself. Ask about the other au pairs she’s met, about what she’s learning about the US, about what she’s discovered about your kids, and about the other au pairs that she’s met.

3. Find ways that your au pair can be especially productive. There may be an art project, an organizing project, a trip to the library, or something that needs to be *done*, that your au pair can do to feel like she’s making a difference in your home. (See Amanda’s idea at SimpleMom.com for creating an Art Box for kids ) .

Projects work against homesickness in two ways. First, feeling homesick tends to make people be more passive than usual, and being passive gives people a chance to be the ‘victim’ of sad thoughts. You want your au pair to be the active agent of positive thoughts, because positive thoughts hold homesickness at bay. Second, when we are able to ruminate on something sad, we make ourselves sadder. When we are busy, we aren’t really able to hold all the homesick thoughts in the front of our minds, and we avoid digging ourselves an emotional trough.

4. Find some ways that she and the kids (and maybe even you) can play together — especially outside. Can she take the kids bike-riding?  Bake cookies with your 4 year old? Take the dog & kids to the park to toss the Frisbee (this one always works to pick me up)? It’s hard to be sad when you’re running around with happy little people who look up to you.

5. Avoid playing moody music. (I’m not kidding!) Once dreary Fall day, I was playing a CD of some melancholy Celtic music in the kitchen, just trying to relax a bit, when my au pair burst into tears. The combination of the music and the greyness outside was more than she could handle. So I put on High School Musical , and made myself sing along until my au pair finished her sandwich and went off to the mall.

6. Talk with your au pair about her goals for the year. What does she want to learn? Where does she want to travel? Who does she want to meet? Help her think about the positive reasons that she’s here in the US. Encourage her to make a list, get out a calendar, set some goals.

7. Recommend ways that your au pair can "get creative". It’s hard to be sad when you’re creating something. How about making a video of the neighborhood? Making a flower arrangement from branches off the trees in your back yard? Dressing up the dog and doing a canine photo shoot? Creating a video on Howcast.com about something she knows how to do?

8. Encourage your au pair to combine goal-setting and getting creative by making a Vision Board. ( Christine Kane has a great post on how and why to make a vision board .) She can hang her vision board in her room, to keep herself focused on the positive.

A little bit of homesickness is inevitable, for any au pair, no matter how happy she is to be here and be with your family. Remember, when your au pair does get homesick, don’t take it personally . Of course, if you’re a host mom who is cold, unfriendly, and hard to please, your au pair is more likely to miss home. But even if you and your family are warm, accommodating and encouraging, your au pair is still likely to be a little homesick every now and then.  So, don’t take it personally. Instead, while recognizing that your au pair is an adult who can (and needs to) take care of herself, think of some ways to extend some support and some kindness.

Other ideas? Let us know in the comments, below.

Moms- We’ve got another request for advice! Not so surprisingly, this request shares a theme with last week’s question, about how to get your au pair ‘out and about’ so that you can have some alone-ish time.

I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting some of the passages to call your attention to them… What are your ideas?

The situation

We are first time host parents and our au pair has been with us for 6 weeks. My husband works outside of the home and travels quite a bit for his job. I am a stay-at-home mom of 4 under 4 and am constantly filling our social calendar with fun activities throughout the weeks to keep the children entertained. We have tried our best to include our au pair in family outings (i.e. day trips to explore our historical city, day trips to Annapolis, D.C., etc.) which she has enjoyed, but I’m finding that if WE don’t “initiate” any type of outside of the home activity, she seems to just hang around the house or stay in her room. We would love for her to branch out and meet others in the community her own age so she may have a more fulfilled experience during her year in the U.S.

What they’ve already done to help

Upon her arrival, we immediately
- took her to our wonderful downtown area to see the sites (which is only 5 miles away),
- gathered all kinds of literature about our city, metro schedules,
- suggested an ESL class that was starting within her first two weeks. She was very excited about getting to practice and learn more english right away.
- She also wanted to purchase a bicycle, so we took her to do so right away.

Help!

Any suggestions on how to get her to interact more with others? We have let her know constantly that we are very open to her inviting over other au pairs, having play dates with other host families children, using any of our cars to do things at her leisure, etc. She just doesn’t seem to have the “want” to do anything.

Also, she is 25, not 18!!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

(I’ll weigh in eventually too…)