A reader sent me a link to an article in Slate, about a proposed ‘Bill of Rights” for domestic workers in New York State. (You can read the article in detail, here.)

The proposed legislation would guarantee New York’s 200,000 domestic workers sick days, overtime, a day of rest, protection under discrimination laws, and notice before termination.

I think that a Domestic Workers Bill of Rights is a great idea. There are too many stories of caregivers (mostly women) being taken advantage of. When we think about the power differential between employing families and caregivers themselves, you can appreciate how hard it might be for an individual caregiver to assert her or his rights without a framework that legitimates these rights and also provides for punishment when employers violate these rights.

And, I’m glad that au pairs don’t need a bill of rights. Their rights are already protected (in as much as laws or codes can prevent behavior) by the program regulations.

All of us host parents have heard stories of au pairs who’ve been taken advantage of, and nannies and other caregivers who have been taken advantage of, by selfish or otherwise abusive host parents & employers. Although we hear these stories, we know that abuses are limited becuase au pairs are regulated by the State Department and supervised by au pair agencies. Thus, au pairs theoretically have the sick leave, sick pay, and termination notice that a bill of rights would otherwise guarantee them.

Notably, au pairs do not have mandated overtime pay, because overtime is against the regulations.

These protections for au pairs themselves are a big reason why I appreciate the Au Pair Program. I also appreciate my local counsel’s diligence in contacting me and my au pairs regularly, and especially for meeting with me and our incoming au pair to go over the rules and the contract. I also appreciate the agency managing immigration, insurance, travel, training, and socialization.

This is not to say that local counselors are always diligent in making sure that rules are followed, or that agencies always earn their fees by executing their part of the program well.  But, in general, these protections make me feel more comfortable about having au pair caregivers.

Laws and program regulations give us a helpful structure by distinguishing between what’s wrong and what’s expected, and by giving everyone the same understanding of basic expectations.

There is a lot of variation within these regulations, though, and that’s one of the reasons our conversations here are so important. Yes, sometimes we talk about breaking the rules, but always with the intent of guiding other host partners to do this in a just way, with explicit agreement and sensitivity to downsides.

And more often, we talk about how to do the au pair relationship thing well, so that it works for all parties. Somehow, the regulatory framework takes care of the basics, so that we are free to talk with more energy not about being legal, but about being fair, and not about what rules should be, but about what principles should guide us.

When someone else takes care of base pay, insurance, and visas, we are free to take care of cultural exchanging, welcoming someone into our families, and supporting them during this part of their life adventure.

(I guess you might call this my AuPairAgency Appreciation post. )

Thanks for the tip, A. P.!

Image: Acme theatrical agency from Dystopos

I’m a believer that different members of a family have different privileges and responsibilities, depending on their roles and their ages. Parents have more privileges than do children, and employers have more privileges than do employees. The rules that we follow can be different, as long as they are fair.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, uses my chef’s knife. When I’m driving, I get to choose the music. And guess what– if I want to leave my lunch dishes in the sink until dinner, I do.

I also have different expectation for myself when the kids are with me than I’ve had for our au pairs when they are on duty with the kids. I’m usually doing many other things in addition to being with my kids (like, oh, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, stuff like that). I don’t ignore my kids, but I don’t spend all of my time engaging them in educational play.

However, when our au pair is on duty, I do expect her to focus her attention on the kids, since that’s her job.

And, yes, in can be awkward when I expect her to focus 95% on the kids, when some times I focus only 65% on the kids. I think it’s fair, but it is also awkward, precisely because the differences in privileges point out that parents, au pairs and children have different roles in a family.

Host Mom-with-The View sends in this question, hoping for some advice on how to work this out a specific situation, where she wants a   different set of privileges for herself vs. her au pair.

I am expecting my first au pair in 3 weeks. She is 22, German and speaks great English. I have a 21 month old son who is extremely active, and I am expecting a new baby in March. I work 3 days a week outside the home, full time, 12 hours days. As I know her now, I like my au pair very much. I am very eager to start with a positive, fair, respectful relationship.
I am writing out family handbook, and trying to decide if it is fair to tell the au pair that she may not watch TV while the children are awake. I almost always have the TV on when I’m home. I don’t watch shows I have to pay attention to, but I like to have the Today show, or the news on in the background while my son and I play or do other things.

Occasionally, when my son is occupied, I will watch a show I have recorded that does not require much attention, or I will just rewind if I miss a part because I’ve been paying attention to my son. My son rarely watches TV, just the occasional 20 minutes of Sesame Street if I need to remove him from my leg to cook dinner or iron clothes.
My concern is that the au pair will half-ignore the kids if the TV is on and she really wants to pay attention to what is on TV. I know how I am with my son, and that he does not lack for attention or engagement while I have the TV on. I don’t know if this is something the au pair will be able to do.

I want to be fair, but I also think of this as her job, where she should follow the rules, but I’m afraid of the concequences of setting such an obvious double standard. I imagine this double standard will be very evident to her since I will be home for 12 weeks on maternity leave about 4 weeks after she arrives, in addition to the 2 weekdays days every week I’m home with her.

Can I ask her to do something I am not willing to do myself? Thank you for your help!