Take a deep breath everyone– time to talk about something many people find uncomfortable: Racism.  But talk about it we must, because racism gets in the way of our relationships with each other.

3 Sources of “Racism Interference”

Racism interference can come from three directions, any of which can influence your match with an Au Pair.

1. The au pair’s racism leads her to reject or prefer your family, your children, you as a host parent, and/or your community.
2. Your own racism leads you to reject or prefer a particular au pair, au pairs from certain countries, or au pairs with certain cultural values.
3. Your concerns about racism (e.g., its effect on your children, or the patterns of behavior in your community, worries that your au pair will be racist) lead you to reject or prefer certain specific au pairs or candidates from particular cultures.

If you agree that all of us are (“still”) influenced by racism, even though the intensity and type of influence may have changed over the years, you recognize that racism is possibly at work when you and an au pair candidate consider a potential match.

I’d like us to consider all three ways that racism can influence our matches… but in this post I want to focus on

#1: Racism as expressed by potential au pairs.

I’m starting here not to blame au pairs first, but because I got an email from a host parent with a request that we talk about her experience.

This parent writes:

I have been a host mom for about five years, and it still amazes me how difficult my screening process can become when selecting an Aupair. In the beginning, the selection process seems to go extraordinary well, until I mention to the probable Aupair about our race. (My family is African American.)

Too often, I don’t get another response, until I call or email the Aupair days later to ask how are things. The usual response is “I am sorry, I already matched with a family”. But I know this isn’t always true, because the agency had indicated that the Aupair is still available.

So far, the Aupairs that have seemed to lose interest once they know we are black have been from Germany, or France, and Switzerland. I usually request Aupairs from these specific countries because, they tend to be very strong drivers, and becuase both of my boys understand German and French and I’d like to reinforce their language skills.

Earlier, we had a problem with an Aupair who knew of my ethnicity when she matched. Then, once she arrived in our home, she decided she could not take care of the children because of our ethnicity.

Two of our Aupairs have been  black women from South Africa. We have also had 2 white European Aupairs. The first European Aupair finished her year with us. However, she explained to me that it was often difficult for her, since she was uncomfortable taking my youngest child to the park because of the stares and glares she would receive from other white parents. (See #3 above).

The second aupair, after being in our home for only a week, stated she wanted “American culture” and not black culture. Ironically, she says black culture, even though our children are the only black children in their entire school. Both my Husband and I were born in America and raised in predominately white neighborhoods, so it’s not like she’d only experience “black” culture and not “american” culture (as though these were different?).

I have determined by deduction that unfortunately, in today’s society, it is acceptable for a black Aupair to push a stroller with a white child, but it is not acceptable for a white Aupair to be a caregiver or an Aupair to black children.

I hope I don’t sound bitter or upset, but I do feel a little disenchanted with the idea of “cultural exchange”. I want to be able to get the full advantage of the benefits of au pairs from other countries (even countries with certain languages) — but now I’m wondering whether this is less possible for some families than for others.

I realize that I could just interview aupairs who look like me or seem to be my same race, because they (the Aupairs) would presumably be comfortable living with us.

But what happened to the idea of “cultural exchange”?

Dear HostMomOfColor –

I’m not surprised that you’ve experienced this dynamic, but I am sad about it. Even when we recognize that these young women may not have had educations and life experiences that would teach them to be less racist or to work to resist the influence of racism on their own behavior, it still hurts. What I’ve learned as a white woman who has taught undergraduates about race, class, gender & orientation differences/dynamics, is that you can explain racism to people, but they have to want to unlearn racism themselves. And, doing this is hard work. It is unpredictable, and it may not be what they are up for.

All that said, there are some things I wish for:

I’d like au pair agencies to address racism head on.

• I’d like to see Agencies put something in their materials about how American families can be so diverse (Two Moms! Two Dads! Christians&Pagans! Bio&Adopted! BiRacial/Bicultural! Typical learners & Special needs! And more!). And, all of these are “American” culture!
• I’d like to see au pair Orientation have a session on how to handle “difference” that overlaps with and goes beyond “culture”.
• I’d like LCCs to have monthly cluster meetings where racism and diversity discussed and when inclusive behaviors are taught (maybe even by professionals).
• I’d like learning to live and work in diverse, inclusive situations to be an explicit focus and goal of being an au pair and having an au pair.
• I’d like Agencies to ask potential au pairs to discuss in their applications how they would manage being in a “diverse” (not just different) environment.
• Maybe au pair Agencies could even include a check-off list of what the au pair feels comfortable with, so that families with different profiles don’t waste their time? How about a list where you can indicate: I am comfortable being placed with a family that is non-white, non-English-speaking-at-home, includes a special needs child, is headed by a single parent, and so on.  [note 10/3: From the comments, it looks like Cultural Care already does this. Can anyone confirm for me, or fill in about other agencies?]

Host parents, what thoughts do you have for this mom?

What ideas do you have for the au pair ‘system’ for dealing with racism just from this one direction, from au pairs themselves?

I was thinking again about our conversation around "Myths about au pairs: Au Pair = "Hottie" , and ideas about how to respond when people make rude comments to us host parents about au pairs. One au pair commented that she was concerned that

If people make these sorts of comments in your au pair’s presence, it is important for you to jump to her defense, and make it clear that you see her ‘as a daughter’ or ‘as an employee’ or whatever you like, but just make sure she knows you will not have people talking about her in that way, and that you certainly do not think about her that way.

While I do think that any loving host parent would indeed try to defend her au pair against others’ rude and lascivious comments, I know that no matter how much you want to respond to these statements, it is always difficult.

Several weeks ago, overhearing some college boys laugh about how Rihanna must have been ‘just asking for it’, I interrupted them to tell them that no woman deserves to be hit, and that domestic violence was not funny. I really squashed their buzz, let me tell you. But also, my heart was pounding, I felt  awkward, and I went over and over the situation in my mind, for hours. It was the right thing to do and I did it just fine. It was still hard.

All this to say– it’s hard to respond effectively to sexism, racism, lewd comments, and social ugliness. And we must do it, to protect those we care about and to show our children that it must be done.

On that note, I want to share with you a post by my bloggingfriend Carmen Van Kerchove. It’s about racist jokes, but the principles apply more generally too.

How to Respond to a Racist Joke
By Carmen Van Kerckhove

Figuring out how to react when a co-worker makes a racist joke can be extremely difficult. If you don’t call the person out on her racism, you seem to be condoning the behavior. But if you do say something, you risk alienating him and sabotaging your working relationship.

The best response to a racist joke should accomplish 3 things:

1. Communicate that you find this behavior unacceptable.
2. Demonstrate that the joke is racist.
3. Inflict as little damage as possible to your working relationship with the joker.

Before I explain the response I would recommend, let’s look at some of the other possible reactions available to you and why they are not ideal.

You don’t laugh.

Withholding your laughter is a way to avoid personally colluding in this kind of racist behavior without damaging your relationship with the joker. However, by staying silent, you do not necessarily make it clear that you find this kind of humor unacceptable and that the joke is racist.

You walk away.

People who tell racist jokes assume that you will agree with and appreciate this kind of humor. By walking away, you communicate that their behavior is unacceptable. However, the act of walking away does nothing to demonstrate the racism inherent in the joke, and the gesture is likely to anger the joker.

You say that you find the joke offensive because it is racist.

This is the most straight-forward to respond to a racist joke. With this reaction, you convey that the joke is unacceptable to you and that it is racist. However, by criticizing your co-worker in front of others in such a blunt manner, you are likely to damage your working relationship and put her on the defensive. She will likely fire back by making it seem as if you are the one with the problem. She will say that "it’s just a joke," that you need to "loosen up," and that you’re "just too sensitive."

I’ve established why the above responses are not particularly effective. So how should you react if your co-worker tells a racist joke in front of you?

The best strategy is to play dumb.

Put on a bewildered expression, act as if you don’t understand the joke, and ask your co-worker to explain it to you. He will not be able to explain why the joke is funny without evoking a racist stereotype. You can then question the veracity of this stereotype, thus pointing out the racism of the joke, without being confrontational and without humiliating your co-worker.

Here’s how it would play out.

***
Co-worker: Did you hear that Angelina Jolie adopted another kid, this time from Vietnam?

You: Oh really?

Co-worker: Yeah. The poor kid probably doesn’t even know he’s Asian yet. He certainly doesn’t know he’s going to be a horrible driver. Or that he’s going to be amazing at doing nails. He has no idea! [Laughs heartily.]

You: [Look perplexed.] Sorry, I don’t get it.

Co-worker: What do you mean?

You: I guess I’m missing something. Why is that funny?

Co-worker: [Looks embarrassed.] Um, well you know how people say that Asians are bad drivers. And a lot of people who work at nail salons are Asian.

You: But those are just stereotypes, aren’t they?

Co-worker: Well, all stereotypes have some truth to them.

You: So you actually believe that all Asians are bad drivers and are good at doing nails?

Co-worker: No, no, it’s just… Never mind.

***
Racist jokes rely on an unspoken, shared knowledge of racist stereotypes. Without the stereotypes, there is no humor.

When you play dumb and ask someone to explain the joke, you are able to draw the racist stereotype out into the open, address it directly, and demonstrate how absurd and offensive it is. But because you are feigning ignorance, you can accomplish all of this without alienating your co-worker and putting your working relationship in jeopardy.

(By the way, the joke I used in this scenario is an actual joke told on The Tonight Show by a comedian named Chelsea Handler. Of course, nobody on the show bothered to point out how racist it was.)

© 2004-2009 New Demographic.

Carmen Van Kerckhove, president of the diversity education firm New Demographic, specializes in working with corporations to facilitate relaxed, authentic, and productive conversations about race. She has appeared on CNN, MSNBC, and has visited as a guest lecturer at Harvard, Princeton, and Columbia, among many other colleges and universities across the country. If you want to learn how to boost your career by mastering the changing dynamics of race in today’s workplace, get your FREE TIPS now at www.NewDemographic.com