Here at AuPairMom we get some very interesting emails from host parents and au pairs facing challenges in their relationships. Sometimes these questions are easy to answer, other times the whole group of us has to band together to come up with useful advice.

Sometimes these emails make me sad — so much struggle, such disappointments.

And then, some emails completely weird me out…. like this one.

Let me just tell you that, in my private reply to this host mom, I used the word “Eeeew” almost two dozen times. There was nothing else I could say.

Thankfully, we can turn to your, dear readers, for some ideas about how this host mom might respond.

Privacy: Yours and Hers

The host mom with the dilemma below is suffering from a violation of her privacy. Thank goodness it wasn’t the most direct kind (e.g., interruptus, reading her journals, eavesdropping) but it was pretty invasive.

This ‘disturbed host mom’ is especially upset because privacy is important to her– she’s gone out of her way to respect her au pair’s privacy, even when the situation itself has pulled back the curtain on the au pair’s private life. And we all feel more upset when we work hard to give our au pairs (or anyone) a certain kind of respect that is not returned in kind.

Dear Au Pair Mom-

We have an au pair that has been with us for about 3 months. We got off to a rocky start, but with lots of communicating about openness and trust, things have greatly improved over the last month.

Our au pair is 19 (20 next month) and has a boyfriend from home. They have been together for 3 years. During the interview process, she denied having a boyfriend. This was good for me, as our previous AP had many emotional issues stemming from the relationship with the boyfriend back home and I did not want to repeat that drama. I am a stay at home mom, and the constant weeping and depression (boyfriend was cheating, etc) was too much to be around all day. So, when the new AP arrived and started talking about her boyfriend, I was NOT happy.

I mentioned this to her, and she kind of shrugged and didnt seem too concerned with being caught in a lie, but I let it go and moved forward.

AP settled in to her new bedroom. She has a lock on her door, as well as her own ensuite bathroom and wi-fi for the laptop we gave her. She Skypes with her boyfriend all night long, after she is through working. In other words, she has plenty of privacy.

I have two small children who still nap during the day. If they are napping and she gets everything picked up and a load of laundry started, she is free to use the computer for a few hours while they nap.

The first boyfriend/computer related issue occured while we were on a family vacation. We took one of the kids to dinner and left the baby with AP. We got back to the condo a bit earlier than planned, to find ourselves locked out. After a few minutes of pounding on the door, she opened it in a robe, with full makeup and hair done. Strange, but whatever.

After walking into the room, I found that baby was sleeping, but his dinner mess had not been cleaned, the bathtub water had not been drained, and his (AND HER) clothes were strewn on the floor. When I saw her undies on the floor and Skype open on her laptop, it was clear what was going on.

Again, I told her that the computer was to be used only when the kids were asleep and everything was cleaned up. She admitted that she had been taking photos for her boyfriend, but again I dropped it, not wanting to know any more. Since then, she has gone around the house (when we are gone) taking “sexy” photos of herself and putting them on Facebook for her boyfriend. I don’t think it occurs to her that I check her page on occasion!

Fast forward to last night:

We got home from a long weekend away, only to find a pile of black hair on my bedroom carpet. Interesting as my family are all blonde.

Then, in my bathtub, several more black hairs! And on Facebook, a picture of her IN MY BATHTUB!

It appears that after enjoying a nice “Soak n Skype”, she tried to clean her hair out of the tub, but dropped it on the floor on her way out (duh).

I am extremely upset with this invasion of my privacy, but is it cause for a rematch? It’s hard on the kids and I don’t need the headache, but I am not sure that I can get over knowing that she is continuing her sexual relationship with her boyfriend in my private space. Please help!

Thanks!!!!!! Disturbed Host Mom

Readers, once you, too, have squealed EEEEwwwwwwww!!!!!, please share your insights.

Image: Gatsby in the Bathtup Some rights reserved by Alicia Nijdam

How do other people see your au pair?
When you tell them that she or he should be treated as “part of the family”, what do your think that means to them?

Grandparents, next door neighbors, teachers, and mail carriers all have their own ideas about whether, when, and how an au pair is or is not part of your family. From these ideas, they have their own expectations about when they ought to include your au pair when they are doing things with your family.

When it comes to including an au pair in a ‘family’ activity with other families, there are a lot of perspectives to take into account.

First, figure out if including your au pair is right for you and right for your au pair.

Holiday meals, kids birthday parties, and trips to the Statue of Liberty seem like easy calls – of course your au pair is invited to join you. Other people’s weddings, date nights, family counseling, and long vacations are trickier.

Your decisions can change based on the event, your current au pair’s personality, the arc of your relationship with him or her, and what you as a host parent want to enjoy about the event.

• Do you want to share this event?
• Will it cramp your style?
• Will it be fun/interesting for your au pair?

Is the event appropriate for your au pair?

• Will including the  au pair (in as much as s/he is a stranger/ newcomer)  mess with the social dynamic of the event for the person(s) hosting it?
• Does your au pair have the conversation skills to get along with a lot of new people?
• Will there will be other people for her or him to hang with (like, other young adults or au pairs)?
• Will s/he attend as a guest or instead be ‘on duty’?
• Does s/he have appropriate clothing to wear?
• Will s/he know the customs of the event and know how to act in that setting?
• Will s/he will stay for the whole event, or leave after the cake and before the dancing/beer drinking?

Think too about the situation of the family throwing the event.

• Are they welcoming people?
• Are they folks who are generous with food, drink, and conversation?
• Can they afford another guest?
• Are they somehow interesting people, making it an ‘experience expanding’ event that’s worthwhile even if it might take extra work?
• Are they interested in people like your au pair?

Your decision for each particular event and (potential) invitation will be unique, but will also express your family’s general preference.

With all these questions in mind, you’ll know whether or not you’ll want your au pair to come along with you. So now you have the biggest challenge– communicating to your friends and family how you would like your au pair to be included.

Consider that:

• • People who don’t have au pairs themselves need to be educated not only about au pairs in general, but about your au pair and your family’s relationship with her or him.

• • Even with people who do have au pairs, you need to communicate how you feel about including your au pair, or not, in various kinds of family events.

• • People will take their cues from what you say and what you do, so be sure to educate them about how your au pair ‘fits’.

What else should we consider when it comes to including our au pairs (or not) in family invitations?

Images: Pink Party Decorations from amiefedora
My Poms – Tutorial from Easymakesmehappy Some rights reserved

There’s a reason we have doors on our bedrooms, and it’s not to keep out the light or the noise when we’re trying to fall asleep– it’s to give us some privacy where we can completely relax, knowing that no one will see whatever it is we are doing.

Sometimes I’ve felt like there is a little electric fence right at the threshold of my bedroom door– and our au pair’s door- that keeps us from intruding into each other’s most private space. I need my privacy, I really do.

While it’s one thing to go into someone’s bedroom when she’s out and has left the air conditioner on high, it’s completely another thing to open the door and walk on in when she’s on the phone, getting dressed, or even still in bed.

When this ExposedAuPair sent the email, below, my heart went out to her. This is a situation that shouldn’t have happened, but it did. Now, although it was not her fault, her privacy has been violated. And, her host family’s attitude towards her has changed.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

Dear AuPairMom:

I want to thank you for your site. I know that this is a site directed to host moms, but it’s also useful for many aupairs. I decided to write you, because I had a problem, and I’d like to know what other moms could think about it, and if I have to lose hop for being chosen for anyone else.

I came to USA with a family who, since beginning of match process, knew that I have boyfriend. And, it seems to have helped for their choice, because I assured them I wouldn’t come to USA for looking for my Mr. Right, or spending my time dating with boys. I told them I’m a mature person, I’m 25 and I have a relationship since four years ago, and when I come back to Mexico, I’ll get marry. So, they liked it, and they chose me.

I’ve been a serious person, and I’ve spent my time by caring the babies, cooking, cleaning, and in my free time, knowing the place, improving my English and knowing other aupairs. I’m here since September and it has been a very great experience.

Everything went well since then. I loved the kids, and the family trusted me soon. But last Thursday happen something very bad.
I have my own room with WiFi and laptop, and every night I talk with my family and boyfriend by msn. On last Thursday, I was offduty and the family had gone to the grandparents’ house, so, I talked with my boyfriend and (it’s very embarrassing for me) I get undressed in front the web cam so he could see me. I know that it’s not a good public behavior, but I was alone –or at least, that’s what I thought-. I love my boyfriend, and we have to look for ways for being communicated.

Well… I was topless when my hostdad and one of the kids came on in my room. I didn’t know when they arrived. Hostdaddy was very upset and got out from my room very angry. Then, he spoke with HM, and she was very disappointed.
Next day he told me that he wants a rematch, because he thinks that I’m not able for taking care of his children, and told me that he didn’t know ‘what kind of things’ I’m teaching to his children. Hostmom told me that she doesn’t agree, but she needs to obey her husband. He said that I’m not a serious person, and he can’t trust me anymore.

I’m very sad because I think that I’m not guilty for not having a door with padlock. I have a friend aupair, who does the same thing with his boyfriend, and when someone knocks the door, she puts her clothes on. I’m very worry, because for coming here and paying the program, I borrowed money from friends and bank, and currently, I have not paid to them at all. And, I’m concerned about if other family could want me like her aupair if they talk with my current one. I don’t know what other families could think about me.

I know that I sounds horrible but I’m a good person. I miss my boyfriend, and I just made a mistake.

• I know that the relation with my current hostfamily is lost, but could you give me some advice?
• If you were in the place of my hostfamily, could you put your aupair in rematch too?
• Does the families hope their aupairs doesn’t have sexual life?
• Do you think that’s a behavior that an aupair shouldn’t have?
• Do you think other family could match me again, by knowing this?
• What should I say about the reason of my rematch, during the interview with a possible hostfamily?
• Or shouldn’t I try? Do you think I ought better return to my home?

Thank you a lot. I’ll be waiting for an answer.

Images:
365.246 The closed door from Remy Sharp
106/365 – “Has own place” from Helga Weber

Who needs to snoop in an au pair’s room or flip through an au pair’s journal, when there is Facebook to tell us our au pair’s inner thoughts?

Not that any of us would intentionally snoop.  (As we’ve already discussed, there are very few and very specific times when snooping seems even remotely reasonable.)

And, it’s not really snooping when an au pair posts information for anyone to see. When an au pair shares thoughts and feelings on Facebook and they’ve already ‘friended’ — that information is fair game.

Or is it?

Host Mom Julie asks:

I’ve got a question for the gang:

What do you think about looking at what comments your au pair puts on Facebook about the experience of living with you? If that information is all publicly viewable, so that anyone can see it?

For the record, I would never read her diary or invade her privacy in her room.

Our au pair often posts on Facebook her feelings about being with our family. She also posts on a Facebook page provided by our Au Pair program. Sometimes she writes in her native language, which I also speak. Although she is very shy in person, our au pair has posted extensively.

I recognize that these sites (especially the one for the au pair program) are for young au pairs venting and I do take comments with a grain of salt. When our au pair said a few things that were not positive about my children, it did not bother me because I know that complaining is part of what people do when working.

Now, we’re in rematch because although she is very nice, our situation is not working well for her.   She’s explained that she wants to be in a home with just one child. We knew that out AP has been very homesick, and we’ve talked about it in her native language. However, we had no idea if the homesickness was getting better. And, we weren’t sure if she was still very unhappy. I really wanted to see how she was feeling about being here, and so I did check the site to see what she’s been saying. It’s how I learned that she really liked us, that she liked or didn’t like certain parts of staying with us and that she wanted to leave.

We are okay with the outcome (being in rematch) and there are no hard feelings. Still, I’m curious what the group thinks about looking for more information about your au pair’s experience, especially in a situation that’s respectful and not angry.

I’m wondering, because although these pages and this information is totally public, I still feel bad for knowing thoughts she didn’t tell us. Thanks!

-Julie

[This may all be a moot point, now that Facebook has created the option of having an inner circle of friends that other friends won't know they aren't a part of. Now, your au pair (and your child, and yourself) can create a smaller network of epople who get the really honest stuff versus the self-presentational, audience-aware stuff. But still ...]

Families and Au Pairs, do you think a host parent should keep an eye on an AP’s Facebook for insights?

See Also:
You’re on YouTube! Is that okay?

Is Snooping in your Au Pair’s room ever okay?

Checking Facebook from ialja
I Like this! from ialja

If you have both little kids and an older Teen, what are the things you need to consider as you plan for your Au Pair?

Carrie asks,  because she and her husband are expecting a new baby, for whom she’d like an au pair caregiver. The challenge is that Carrie also has a son from a previous marriage who will be 16 when the family plans to welcome their au pair.

Carrie has two general concerns about having an au pair that are specific to the family also having a teenage boy: Car Sharing and Room Assignments.

Since there are so many things to consider, let’s try to take them chunk by chunk–

Car Sharing with A Teen-Age Host Kid

Since we will have an infant and there is a park withing walking distance, we don’t expect that there will be much need for the Au Pair to use a car for work duties. We are hoping that it’s acceptable to have a “junker” (but still reliable) car that she can use when she is off-duty, and which she will share with our 16 yr old son.

(Right now our son is actually more interested in video games than much of anything else, so I don’t foresee time sharing of the car being an issue at the moment. But, I’m thinking ahead.)

Room Location: Privacy for Au Pair or Teen?

We have a few options for which bedroom/bathroom our au pair could have. In our basement, we have two bedrooms: one is currently my son’s, which he has had since we moved in to the house. The other bedroom is really small, so we’ve made it an office. The basement has its own bathroom with a shower.

Upstairs we have the parents’ room (which has it’s own full bath). We have two bedrooms across the hall from ours, and a bathroom on this same floor with a tub (which anyone in the house could use). We’re planning to use one of thee bedrooms for the baby, the other is currently a guest room.

Our options include:

1. Putting our son on the second floor with us, and the au pair in the basement with her own bath OR

2. Having the au pair take the smaller bedroom downstairs (currently the office) and share the bathroom downstairs, OR

3. Having our son keep his room downstairs, and have the au pair take the ‘guest room’ on the second floor across from us.?

Do I displace my son from the basement so the Au Pair can have her privacy? How do I respond to our son’s need for privacy? Do I ask her if she wants to have the office instead of a room upstairs and let them both be on the same floor?

Maybe a Manny with a Teen Age Boy??

(In response to my/CV’s question about a “manny”):

BLJHostMom needs to vent–

“Space” has been a pretty hot topic with us (here on AuPairMom) these last few weeks, and I’d love some advice.

With our first AP, our biggest worry was that she would be around and it would be awkward when we just wanted to relax and watch TV in the evenings. But it wasn’t an issue. AT. ALL. Right from the beginning, she needed her space and we needed ours and she retreated to her room just enough but not too much and it was just great.

Our second AP started off much the same. She has been with us now for 2+ months. We really like the way she has been with the kids, and we genuinely like her as a person. But she is giving us no space. AT. ALL. And so, while we haven’t been worried about this because we saw how last time we worried needlessly, this AP wants to do everything with us.

I’m afraid it’s going to start creating resentment with me, because I am so overwhelmed all the time and I NEED some personal space with my husband. Or by myself, at this point I’d take either. We are retreating to our bedroom more than we ever had, which is fine, but I find myself dreading to go down to the kitchen for fear of being trapped by her “one more question”.

When I go out for a run, she “joins” me, and I see myself sneaking out to jog, because if she sees me in my workout gear after the kids are in bed, she’s waiting at the bottom of the stairs with hers on also.

It’s not fair of me to say this, and

I promise I am a nice loving host mom.

Our au pair has no idea that I’m feeling this way, but I’m helping her out all the time, I really love how she is with the kids, but I cannot get a minute to myself with my husband unless I am IN my room with the door closed. Sometimes when we are sitting in the living room having a conversation, she’ll just come sit on the couch and watch us. She doesn’t contribute or add to (her English isn’t so good), but she just looks at us. I stop, smile, and then continue talking. But I feel weird, watched, in a way I never did with AP#1, and seriously we are usually discussing my parents, or his job, or to do for the weekend lists, nothing of interest to anyone, practically even US!

The need for some space for myself is doing that thing where it starts to make more things annoying than should be annoying.

I’m starting to feel myself knit-picking, and that, my friends, is a very very slippery slope.

Rematch is NOT even on my radar. She is a seriously GREAT AP. All the bedrooms are together, so there isn’t much space, even to walk into the hall way to get a towel out of the closet, and she never ever has her bedroom door closed, even to sleep! So it just feels like there is no privacy unless we are in our room. She has liberal use of the car, and lots of time off, but she likes to BE WITH US during that time off. She even talked to my mom about how much she loves being with me. We always invited our last AP on the weekends to do stuff with us and she sometimes went but often said no. This AP comes to every school function, every trip to the store, every soccer practice, eats every meal with us, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and is there for every family event we have.

After 8 weeks, I think her social circle should have started growing but she seems like kind of a home body who complains about most of the people she’s met so far. Lots of APs have been on vacation with the end of the summer, etc, so her cluster meetings have been small. Two of the girls she’s liked have rematched and left for another state. I hope that she gets a little more of a life, or I’m worried that she is going to start picking up on my annoyance. School starts for her in 2 weeks, so that should help also. I’ve also decided that for the next few weekends, I won’t invite her to come to the park or the soccer game with us. I’m just worried that if she asks or comes anyway, that will fuel my frustration that she is now tagging along uninvited. Mama needs some space.

I would appreciate any advice on a kind thing to say to her, that would not discourage her from coming to me when she does need help, and that does not discourage her from *sometimes* watching TV or hanging with us.

With our old AP we had a car curfew. Last weekend when she went out, Hubs said, did you tell her the car needs to be home by 12? I said, NO, I was so thrilled she was out and about, I didn’t dare tell her to be home by a certain time. Of course, she was home way, way before curfew. ?

If I’m in the wrong here, please set me straight. I have a wonderful, sweet, young lady looking after my children, handling them beautifully. She has great morals and is a good driver.

So what’s wrong with me that I want to pull my hair out anytime she sits next to me on the couch? My last AP said I was the best host mom ever, I care for these girls, I really do, but I’m concerned that this “this lack of space” issue might develop into something more.

Can I change my thinking not to be so annoyed with her? Do I honestly just need a little more space and I’ll be okay with her?

After I get the kids to bed, that is my sanctuary time, or quiet and aloneness. Time to connect with hubs and exercise or veg, when I don’t get those things, I really feel myself unraveling.

WOW! I knew I was feeling annoyed, but that was a whole lot more “dumping” than I realized I needed to do. I’ve almost considered not even posting this brain dump. But I will. As always, ladies, thanks for listening, and for any words of wisdom! ?

Taking A Computer Lunch was the first to reply, with this:

I think that if you were to tell your AP how you feel, especially since you’ve said her English isn’t great, that her feelings would be truly hurt and would have a huge impact on the 9+ months ahead.

Instead, encourage friendships. Ask her to invite a friend or two to your next sit-down family dinner. Encourage her to have a “ladies-night-in” and invite other au pairs to watch a movie. If you encourage relationships with her peers, then maybe she will develop some friendships that take her out of the house. In the meantime, as much as you hate it, acknowledge her need to have a relationship with you and your husband.
In my experience, even the shyest of APs develop peer relationships that take them out of the house.

(It’s crazy– and real– to discover that even an au pair you ADORE can smother you a bit. cv)

See also:

Feeling Squished by Our Au Pair
Someone Else in Your House: Getting comfortable with the idea of an Au Pair
A Good Au Pair Relationship Requires Your Emotional Investment
Au Pairs and Your Privacy: My Au Pair’s kind of nosy!

Images from Flickr:
Momma Bear from sleep
Momma bear from Indiewench

Probably the most common obstacle for any family considering an au pair vs. other kinds of childcare is the idea of having some other adult live in your house with you. People imagine that they’ll lose their privacy, feel crowded, feel constantly observed, never have time to themselves, and grow weary from no time ‘off’.

And guess what, these concerns are right on the mark. We Americans like our privacy and our independence.

Do you remember when you were first thinking about an au pair?
Was having someone live in your home a concern for you?

Although it was many years ago now, I don’t remember being as concerned about it myself. My DH was already away from home 2 or 3 nights a week; I remember feeling concerned about being alone at night in the house with babies while my spouse was too far away to help.

And, with our au pair room on the garden level and my own bedroom two flights upstairs, I knew that I’d have a place to retreat if I needed time alone.

Of course, I could just be making this up in hindsight, and fooling myself about how hard it was or wasn’t to invite an au pair into our home.

Because it’s true, too, that, each time we’ve chosen to get another au pair, I’ve had to go over this calculation:

Is having the company, culture, and convenience of an au pair enough to outweigh the psychological burdens of sharing our home with another adult?

Along this link of thinking, iMom sent me some questions that she’d love to for us to discuss:

• What were your biggest fears before inviting your first Au Pair into your home?

• How did you deal with these?

• How do you set up boundaries so that you don’t feel crowded by your au pair?

See Also:
What are Host Dads afraid of? The Top 3 “Fears of the Host Dad” & How to manage them
Feeling Squished by Our Au Pair
Host Mom Advice Wanted: How to get more privacy and family time?
When you need some time alone … with your kids, without the Au Pair
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship

Images:
On holidays from PetitPlat by sk_
Crowded from Tom Poes

I’m not thinking about Nanny Cams that host parents can use to watch their au pairs during the day, but hidden cameras that watched us host parents when our au pairs weren’t around.

What behavior of yours would a nanny cam catch?

What things would you be proud of, and what things might embarrass you?

This question popped up for me as I was reading a mombloggerfriend’s post on transparency in marriage,  and the cost of keeping secrets.

While *obviously* you’re not going to have the same level of emotional and psychological intimacy, trust and disclosure with our au pairs as with our parenting partners, the idea did make me wonder about what we do or say when our au pairs aren’t around, and how that matters.

The most stressful thing, for me, about having an au pair is the idea of having someone else around who in fact sees so many of these things I’d rather no one know about. If she’s paying attention, she’s heard me yell at my kids, she’s seen me eat nearly an entire box of Thin Mints on my own, and she knows whether or not I’ve actually gone to the gym.

There are things that I’d like my au pair to be oblivious to, things that I’d really like to keep private. And, for the most part, these private things have little to do with my au pair or my relationship with her.

What is more significant, though, are my au pair specific comments and actions.

I’ m sure that I’ve rolled my eyes and complained to my DH that “she left the damn air conditioner on ALL DAY, while she was GONE!”

And, I’ve carefully shaped my responses when one of my daughters has complained that our au pair wouldn’t let her do what she wanted and thus was being mean. I’ve hidden my case of Honest Tea in my office so she won’t even know I have it, much less drink it without me. Who knows what else.

If you were to put a nanny cam that your au pair could watch when she’s not around, how much do you think your behavior might change?

Would that be a good thing, or no?

See Also:

Would you ever use a “nanny cam”?
Sabotage your Au Pair’s Authority: 3 Easy Ways
Don’t break your own childcare rules

You’re on candid camera from andrewodom
v2.26: March 26th from Phoney Nickle

‘SotaGal commented last week about, sometimes, she just wants to be with her kids, alone.

“Mommy-a-mano”, no DH, no DP, no AP. Just Mom & the kids.

There is nothing wrong with that. We all want 1 on 1/2/3 time, time when we are the only adult in the room, the only adult in the universe, with our little babies all to ourselves.

This is normal, and natural, and common. So, why does it feel so hard to say?

One reason is that, for the host parent, mentioning that we need time alone with the kids reminds us of how precious that time can be. Some of us only really get quiet time with one kid or another when they are sick, or when they have crawled into bed with us on a Sunday morning. We are glad to have help from our au pair, and to have our au pair as part of our lives, but we don’t want that all the time.

From another perspective, suggesting that you don’t want your au pair around right now is akin to saying, out loud, that having her/him around cramps your style. It may lead your au pair to think, just for a minute, that his or her presence is an obstruction, a cross that parents have to bear, even though we need the help.

The scary thing is, there is truth in both of those reasons.  Having another caregiver around *does* change the parent-child(ren) dynamic. This is true whether than other caregiver is a teacher, an au pair, or a grand parent.

How can we deal with this need, and create some space for our private time with our kids, without hurting our au pair’s feelings or triggering concerns?

Sota Gal asks:

I have a question for the au pairs here with my gray area… As a mom who works from home, helps DH run his business and divides time caring for our 3 kids how do I handle/say that I just need some time alone with “my” kids?

Our current AP seems to get very offended when I tell her she can be done early because I want to spend some quality time (alone) with my children.

Once I did ask her to turn on the oven so I could start dinner in a bit but other than that she was done and free for the rest of the day. When I started the conversation I said that I was done working for the day, I had had a long couple of days and missed spending time with the munchkins and I would love to play with them alone now. You can have the rest of the day off!

I really think I made it sure she knew that it was nothing she was doing, just that I wanted to do something fun with them (rather than dinner, sports, errands, getting ready for bed which I do every day). And because of my schedule and the fact that we have 3 year old twins and an 8 year old, she and I often do fun things together with the kids.

Is there something I could have done differently?

Image: Mom and Daughter from VancityAllie

When invite an au pair to come live in our home and be ‘part of the family’, our lives become an open book.

• Frustrated with your DS? Your au pair knows.

• Threw out 6 bags of organic greens that decomposed in the fridge? She saw it.

• Hoarding Thin Mints in your special cabinet even though you’re trying to lose weight? You think you’re fooling her?

Some of the drama of life, including your mistakes, your relationship concerns, and your bank balance, can float over the heads of your kids. But au pairs are a bit more aware. They notice what’s going on around them, inside your house. This can be kind of a drag– who wants their au pair knowing everything about them?

I’ve been lucky with our au pairs who, despite their excellent English, have all known when to leave the kitchen if I’m on the phone with my best friend. I have a home office where I can keep our family papers, and a bedroom with a door where I can try on one ill-fitting outfit after another without anyone commenting. I do have some privacy, which is a good thing.

Not so lucky is Host Mom CK. She doesn’t have secrets, just regular family stuff. What she does have, though, is an au pair who regularly crosses the line between being aware and being nosey:

We are hosting our second au pair and she’s been with us for about 5 months. One issue (there are others) that really bothers me is that she is nosy. By this I mean that she reads and looks at things that I feel are not her business.

I don’t think she is doing this maliciously, I think she is just a very curious person and doesn’t have a sense of boundaries. For example, she reads or looks at *everything* to the point that it slows her down in her job. On top of this, she looks at papers that are on the counter.

Because I don’t have an office or a desk, I use an area of the kitchen counter as my “desk” area. Being a piling type, things are not neatly organized here and it is often a dumping ground for bills and mail. I often find my au pair picking up things from this counter area and reading them: flyers, brochures, catalogs, junk mail, kids work from school, instruction manuals, etc. She will pick up stray pieces of paper in the car, even just receipts, and read them.

I have not yet seen her pick up a credit card bill, but given her curiosity with the rest of it, I imagine she does this when I’m not around.

She also tends to ask a lot of questions in a way that feels intrusive. For example, I make a phone call to inquire about a class for dc and when I hang up I get questions about what the class is, when would it be, what would it be like, etc. I’ve even been asked questions about personal calls where I am discussing a personal issue with a friend and when I hang up, she asks me questions about what’s going on, etc. It makes me wonder if she’s looking through my drawers and stuff when I’m out of the house.

Advice on how I might address this?

In addition to recommending that CK find a spot of her own (even a nice basket from Target where bills, etc. can be placed, and which can then be put “off limits”), what ideas have you?

Next Door’s Cat from World of Oddy
Nosey from joellybaby