My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners

cv harquail — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 00:59:28 +0000

Dear AuPairMom Readers –

What do you do when your (otherwise great, fabulous) AP has ATROCIOUS table manners – think smacking and chewing sounds not even heard at a trucker convention! Chews with mouth open, talks with mouth full of food, slurps drinks, smacks lips when chewing….it is REALLY LOUD.

It is also setting a really bad example for my kids, who have pretty good table manners. My own boys (ages 6 to 14) use silverware not fingers, put their napkins on their laps, ask nicely for things to be passed, ask to be excused from the table, clear their place, don’t drink and eat at the same time, chew with their mouths closed. (Okay, this is 90% of the time, the other 10% I am reminding them of specific manners).

The point is, my DH and I have gone to a lot of trouble to teach our boys good table manners. So it is appalling when I’m telling 6yo – don’t make noise when you eat – and AP is next to him making loud smacking noises with every chew of the cud!

I must stress that this AP is otherwise great. Her other manners, away from the table, are good (she says please, thank you, she’s considerate, etc.) She just seems to have missed the memo on table manners.

I’m aware that part of this may be cultural, and that what passes for good manners at home may not be working for her here.

I also concerns me that her manners don’t offer a good model for the boys. I can’t tell them not to talk with food in their mouths while she’ll telling a story through a mouthful of… well let’s not get into it.

Also, her manners are likely to make a bad impression anywhere else in North America, not just at our family table.

In truth, crewing with her mouth open, smacking her lips, and so make my stomach turn. Our family eats together with our AP five nights a week at least, and there is no way to avoid noticing her manners.

How can I bring this up? How much can I say?

E. Post

Dear Emily,

Once I had shared a grad student office with a perfectly nice Finance student from X, who, when he had a cold, would snuffle up and swallow– or spit into the waste basket — all his snot. When I had a cold, I would quietly blow my nose into a kleenex, and fold it up and put it in the wastebasket. Two very different strategies, and his grossed me out.

Turns out, another grad student told me, that for a X guy to blow his nose into a tissue, and to blow it more than once into the same tissue, seemed gross to him. Who wants to touch a tissue damp with snot? My office mate was grossing me out, and I was grossing him out.

How did I handle it?

I traded offices with another grad student. [ Note, I don't know what exactly is considered polite to do with mucus if you are a X male.] The point is, we each thought we were acting politely.

Okay so maybe that story has grossed you out. Maybe it’s a digression. Maybe it just creates space for me to get in another cat picture.

I think it’s okay for you to tell your au pair that you’d like to share with her what Americans think are good table manners, and ask her to model them for your boys. As we all know, what’s polite is culturally determined, and it’s perfectly okay to ask her to practice common American manners.

We feel fine asking our au pairs to drive on the right side of the road and to sunbathe topless only in the back yard, because we can explain that these choices are not good or bad, they are just ‘what people do here’ and so that’s how we do it too.

Also, things like table manners, phone manners, and greeting & salutation manners, are the easy things to learn so that you can flex into many cultures. Similarity (and okay, conformity) to these conventions are what help you create a space to participate in the culture.

And, it never hurts to emphasize that it’s about teaching the kids what’s right to do in the USA….

Other thoughts Parents? APs?

Hello? Your Au Pair needs good “phone manners”

cv harquail — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:19:09 +0000

I just got off the phone with the au pair of one of my friends, and I had two serious problems during the call. Neither problem was caused by the au pair’s still-limited English. Both of these problems were cause by bad phone manners. Said another way, the problems would not even have occurred if the au pair had better phone manners.

Phone manners, you ask? Aren’t those a quaint vestige of simpler times, when people were courteous and respectful? No, darnit, phone manners are a simple, hip, cool trend sweeping the nation, as au pairs (and frankly, their host families) begin to understand just how useful phone manners can be.

Problem One: The au pair answered the phone with just one word, “Hello?”.

This would have been fine, except I didn’t know if it was the au pair or my girlfriend! So, what should I have replied?

#1 “Hi Laura, this is CV”
#2 “Hi, this is CV, is this Laura?”
#3 “Hi, this is CV, may I please speak to Laura”?
#4 “Can Mary come over for a playdate?”

The correct answer– NONE of the above!

The au pair should have identified herself as not being the host mom.

Problem Two: For the life of me, I can’t remember how to pronounce this au pair’s name. ..okay, I’m not even sure I remember her name correctly. So, should I ask:

#1 “Who is this?”
#2 “Is this the au pair?”
#3 “Can you please tell me your name again?”
#4 “Can Mary come over for a playdate?”

The correct answer– NONE of the above!

The au pair should have offered me her name.

Here is the polite, welcoming, and courteous way that an au pair should answer your home phone:

“Hi, this is the hostfamilyname’s residence/phone/family. This is AuPairName. How may I help you?

At our house, it’s “Hi, this is the Harquail family, Clara speaking. How may I help you?”

And yes, my kids answer the phone this way too. The ONLY people who
answer the phone with a simple “hello” are the host family parents. Not having to identify yourself immediately is a privilege reserved for the heads-of-household.

Call me old fashioned, but good phone manners make a difference. They show concern and attention to the caller, offer important information, and begin the conversation in a way that makes things easiest for both parties.

AuPairMom » manners

My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners

Other thoughts Parents? APs?

Hello? Your Au Pair needs good “phone manners”