AuPairMom » life lessons

Explaining a Rematch to Host Children

cv harquail — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 23:15:07 +0000

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

if there is one time we want an au pair to appear somewhat self-focused, it’s when he or she is explaining to host kids that they are going into rematch.

When an au pair says goodbye to host children, the AP should offer an explanation that puts responsibility solely on the Au Pair and/or some unchanging/unchangeable feature of the situation.

For example, “The drivers in this part of the US are too crazy, and I need to move to a family that doesn’t need their au pair to drive.”

No matter what the “real” truth is, the explanation to the host child should be something like:

“AP is going to be leaving for another family/another location/going home because s/he needs to find a different adventure. This adventure isn’t quite working out for her/him. The hard part about going to another family/place/home will be saying goodbye to you children, so let’s focus on what we enjoyed about AP and wish her/him well.”

You don’t want to ever set it up that a rematch is “the child’s fault”, unless the child is old enough to understand and the child is indeed responsible (such as when a child is willfully cruel and parents need to hold the child accountable).

Even though you might not want to explain the whole truth to your children, you do want to offer something. This is because when children aren’t given a compelling reason for why something might be happening in their lives, they tend to turn to themselves as the cause. If you offer no explanation, and they are sad at all, they might blame themselves when they shouldn’t. You want to create as a healthy a dynamic as possible, which means presenting the departure as a ‘no fault’ situation.

If the host kids are old enough to understand, and there are life lessons to be learned, sure go ahead and offer something closer to the truth. You might say:

“AP seems more interested in socializing at night, so she isn’t able to give us the kind of energy we need.” Or, “It turns out that he didn’t understand what it meant to live in a city, and he made the wrong choice of location. He’s learning about himself, and we should encourage him to grow as a person.”

I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes (just like you did when I insisted upon good phone manners), but I’ve really found that taking the high road here is *always* the right choice.

When an au pair and host family go into rematch, it’s the chance for you as a parent to offer an important life lesson:
We all make mistakes, we try to correct them, and if we can’t we cut our losses and move on to the next options with optimism.

Here’s a specific example of an awkward rematch situation, from Angry in California. What advice can we offer her?

I am currently undergoing my first rematch situation- something I should have initiated three months ago. (I’m embarrassed to say she’s been with us six months.) After three months of issues with an au pair who is condescending, sometimes rude and has an inflated sense of entitlement, we finally pulled the plug. The actual conversation went smoothly enough with all of us in agreement that it just wasn’t working out.

Three days after that conversation, she took the car without permission while we were at a family outing. (The typical rule is to ask to use a car that only she generally uses.) Our rule is really just a matter of safety as we like know 1) where the car will be and 2) would like to know when we may expect her back for her own safety. I would have let her use the car, I just think she should ask first via a quick text or phone call.

In any case, my unhappiness that she unilaterally took the car (yet another symptom of her sense of entitlement) was met with remarkable sarcasm and attitude.

We were planning on having her work for the next two weeks until she matched. However, I guess my not so gentle reminder of the house rules re: car use sent her into a tailspin and she now wants to leave immediately. Mind you, this was never communicated to me, rather she contacted the LCC and told her she wants out. (I suppose yet another indicator of the sense of entitlement).

I am so angry and disappointed (partly at myself). But, most importantly, I am concerned about how to explain this quick dash out the door to my kids, who genuinely seem to like her.

This is our second au pair, our first stayed with us nearly two years, and my older child still asks where she went-even though we parted on good terms. It seems too hard to help them understand that her departure is not something they did. We are basically left in a lurch but I don’t want someone who is brooding and upset around my kids either. So, despite the unexpected hardship, I am inclined to show her the door ASAP in the interest of household harmony.

Any suggestions on how these really icky transitions can be explained to really sensitive kids?

See also:
Her Next Adventure”: Telling your kids that your Au Pair is leaving
Image: It’s not you… All rights reserved by tad carpenter Buy his prints on Flickr

How to Handle Costs for a Ski Vacation: Who should pay for what?

cv harquail — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:37:07 +0000

When a host family takes their au pair with them to work during part of the vacation, what should they provide for her during her off-duty time? Especially, what should you provide on a ski vacation, where costs are relatively high and your au pair can’t afford to pay for her own skiing?

A European Host Mom Ann asks:

Our au pair from America is a nice girl. She has been here since start of January. In two weeks we will be going on a wintersports holiday. She will travel with us to the hotel (so travel expense is covered) as is the hotel including dinners and breakfast. She will stay in a room that she shares with the boys. We will make sure she will have privacy there.

My question is: who should pay for what? Skipass, ski lessons and a rental of skis & helmet will be necessary (also she needs glasses, a warm jacket and snowpants) if she wants to go skiing. She is supposed to work this week, but if the kids are in ski-lessons, she is off-duty, so she could use this time for skiing.

I would appreciate your advice very much–

thanks, Ann

Let me start of with some general principles for taking your au pair on vacation:

Anytime you take your au pair with you to work, when you are on vacation, you should provide her with comfortable lodging, and all the same kinds of food, etc. as you would your kids. (However, don’t let her run her own bar tab on your room account!).
Make sure she knows that, while it’s vacation for you, it is largely work time for her.
Set aside some off duty time for her so that she can explore wherever you are and spend a little time vacationing too. Also, make sure you’re giving her a decent chunk of time off (like, an afternoon to sight-see, not time after dinner when it’s dark and everything is closed).
Make sure she has things to keep herself busy not bored.
Make sure that she has a way to stay in touch with family and friends (e.g., internet access).

You are already planning to do much of this, and thinking about the other details now is definitely good.

The hard part is always whether you can afford to have your au pair vacation in the same style as you parents or the kids are vacationing. After all, it’s your vacation and not hers.

In an ideal world, you’d have enough money (we all would) to be able to pay for your au pair to ski during all of her off duty time… However, given that it costs around $100 per day to have your au pair ski, this may be out of the question for you.

You’ll want to talk with your au pair about how much it actually costs to pay for each skiing adult. Here in the US it’s horribly expensive– maybe it is less so where you are going? But you want to make she that she knows whether or not it’s easy for you to afford. Not that you want to make her feel beholden if you can afford to treat her, but you also don’t want her to misperceive the extent of your generosity. To imagine that two days of skiing equals a week of pocket money sure puts that into perspective.

You might consider how much you can afford to spend to entertain your au pair… and then offering her the opportunity to chose how to use this budget. She might prefer two days of skiing, or maybe she’d prefer extra time off to do something less costly (skating, movie marathons, hiking).

Make a special effort to identify some interesting and less expensive activities that she can enjoy, and make sure she packs what she needs for those activities. For example, your hotel may have a pool, whirlpool and fitness room. Or, you might bring a laptop and a video camera and encourage her to make a few movies. You might identify historic sites near to your hotel and get her tourist information. I know this may seem dorky and unglamorous compared to skiing, but everyone can remember that this trip is part of her chance to see other areas of the world, and she could take advantage of that regardless of the skiing.

Keep in mind that, when you take an au pair with you on a ‘fancy’ vacation, she may thing that you have a lot of disposable income and that if you aren’t paying for her, too, you’re simply being cheap. It is hard for au pairs, kids, relatives, anyone but the adults in charge, to know how a vacation fits into the family’s overall budget.

My personal opinion is that you should try to spring for two days of skiing… maybe her two off duty days, or a few half days while the kids are busy. It would be hard not to come off as mean to take her to a ski resort and not help to make it possible for her to ski a bit too.

Talking about all of these issues is difficult, and with an immature au pair it can be impossible. But, you are starting with a good foundation.

Remember, and mention this to your au pair, that being able to talk about money, about privileges, about role differences, and so on is not easy, but it is the only way we can make sure that we are correctly understood — in both directions. This is part of the life lessons for host parents and au pairs.

What else should Ann think about? What do you advise??

Also see:

Don’t take your Au Pair on vacation during her first 3 months!

Family Skts from jgscils598f08 Pretty young woman in white and…from nigel67