Eleven Au Pairs and 12 revisions after first being written, our Host Family Handbook is now, officially, “long”.

Excluding examples of kids’ and au pairs’ schedules, and excluding the basic information about emergency phone numbers and the like, our rules/guidelines section runs 16 pages, with almost 4500 words.

Is that too long?

Host Family Handbook: Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about … everything?

Over the years, each time some issue has come up, we’ve considered adding something about it to our Host Family Handbook. Some of these issues have generated rules (e.g., no using cell phone in car) while other times they’ve generated points of advice or information that have been part of the guidelines. (e.g., Please wear a modest bathing suit to the town pool.)

Once you start thinking about how your family functions, what your values are, what issues concern you with another adult in your house, what issues concern you with childcare, and what advice you have for you au pair to have a great year, you can really generate some pages. Lots of pages.

And, as you revise with each au pair and as your kids grow, the Handbook seems to grow too. Even if you take things out about preschool, you’re adding something about TaeKwonDo.

Comprehensiveness vs. Comprehension

A well-written and well read Family Handbook should avoid all the problems we’re ever anticipated, and prevent the ones that we failed to anticipate in previous years.

If an au pair were to read and comprehend all of the information in our Handbook, she would have a great sense of what we’re expecting, what she should avoid doing, and what she should focus on to have a terrific relationship with our girls and a comfortable experience in our family and our community.

Unfortunately, even with au pairs whose command of English is terrific, the chances that they comprehend the au pair handbook are probably lower that I’d hope. And that’s assuming that they’ve actually read it.

Yes, there are many techniques for getting your au pair to read and understand what’s in the Handbook, but perhaps the simplest technique of all is just to make the Rules and Guidelines succinct, with major points only.

[[ My DH says that our Guidelines sections are just too long. We should shorten them, delete the stuff that's less important and leave only the top 3 rules.

Oh yes?, I reply. And exactly which guidelines would you eliminate (man who wrote over half the revisions in the first place)?]]

That whole idea about being more succinct is a good one… but it seems to ignore our desire to be both comprehensive and explicitly. We want to be explicit because we know that the more clarity we offer, the better we can advise and guide our au pair. Also, the more clarity, the better we can check our own assumptions and sometimes (re)consider whether they are reasonable.

On the flip side, the shorter your Rules and Guidelines, the more likely it is that you au pair will (1) read them, (2) figure out how to understand them, and (3) remember them well enough to follow them.

• So what do you do, go for comprehensiveness or brevity?

• How long are your Rules and Guidelines?

• Do they seem too long, too short, or just right?

If your Rules and Guidelines are  too long, how would you go about making the whole set shorter?

I have a few ideas, but I’ll hold on to them until we hear the wisdom of the group….

See Also:
R.T.F.M. Making sure your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual
What exactly is a Host Family Handbook?

Binder of DOOM! from hello lovely
Green binders from nick findley
stack of journals from paperbackwriter

I’m a believer that different members of a family have different privileges and responsibilities, depending on their roles and their ages. Parents have more privileges than do children, and employers have more privileges than do employees. The rules that we follow can be different, as long as they are fair.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, uses my chef’s knife. When I’m driving, I get to choose the music. And guess what– if I want to leave my lunch dishes in the sink until dinner, I do.

I also have different expectation for myself when the kids are with me than I’ve had for our au pairs when they are on duty with the kids. I’m usually doing many other things in addition to being with my kids (like, oh, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, stuff like that). I don’t ignore my kids, but I don’t spend all of my time engaging them in educational play.

However, when our au pair is on duty, I do expect her to focus her attention on the kids, since that’s her job.

And, yes, in can be awkward when I expect her to focus 95% on the kids, when some times I focus only 65% on the kids. I think it’s fair, but it is also awkward, precisely because the differences in privileges point out that parents, au pairs and children have different roles in a family.

Host Mom-with-The View sends in this question, hoping for some advice on how to work this out a specific situation, where she wants a   different set of privileges for herself vs. her au pair.

I am expecting my first au pair in 3 weeks. She is 22, German and speaks great English. I have a 21 month old son who is extremely active, and I am expecting a new baby in March. I work 3 days a week outside the home, full time, 12 hours days. As I know her now, I like my au pair very much. I am very eager to start with a positive, fair, respectful relationship.
I am writing out family handbook, and trying to decide if it is fair to tell the au pair that she may not watch TV while the children are awake. I almost always have the TV on when I’m home. I don’t watch shows I have to pay attention to, but I like to have the Today show, or the news on in the background while my son and I play or do other things.

Occasionally, when my son is occupied, I will watch a show I have recorded that does not require much attention, or I will just rewind if I miss a part because I’ve been paying attention to my son. My son rarely watches TV, just the occasional 20 minutes of Sesame Street if I need to remove him from my leg to cook dinner or iron clothes.
My concern is that the au pair will half-ignore the kids if the TV is on and she really wants to pay attention to what is on TV. I know how I am with my son, and that he does not lack for attention or engagement while I have the TV on. I don’t know if this is something the au pair will be able to do.

I want to be fair, but I also think of this as her job, where she should follow the rules, but I’m afraid of the concequences of setting such an obvious double standard. I imagine this double standard will be very evident to her since I will be home for 12 weeks on maternity leave about 4 weeks after she arrives, in addition to the 2 weekdays days every week I’m home with her.

Can I ask her to do something I am not willing to do myself? Thank you for your help!