Probably the most common obstacle for any family considering an au pair vs. other kinds of childcare is the idea of having some other adult live in your house with you. People imagine that they’ll lose their privacy, feel crowded, feel constantly observed, never have time to themselves, and grow weary from no time ‘off’.

And guess what, these concerns are right on the mark. We Americans like our privacy and our independence.

Do you remember when you were first thinking about an au pair?
Was having someone live in your home a concern for you?

Although it was many years ago now, I don’t remember being as concerned about it myself. My DH was already away from home 2 or 3 nights a week; I remember feeling concerned about being alone at night in the house with babies while my spouse was too far away to help.

And, with our au pair room on the garden level and my own bedroom two flights upstairs, I knew that I’d have a place to retreat if I needed time alone.

Of course, I could just be making this up in hindsight, and fooling myself about how hard it was or wasn’t to invite an au pair into our home.

Because it’s true, too, that, each time we’ve chosen to get another au pair, I’ve had to go over this calculation:

Is having the company, culture, and convenience of an au pair enough to outweigh the psychological burdens of sharing our home with another adult?

Along this link of thinking, iMom sent me some questions that she’d love to for us to discuss:

• What were your biggest fears before inviting your first Au Pair into your home?

• How did you deal with these?

• How do you set up boundaries so that you don’t feel crowded by your au pair?

See Also:
What are Host Dads afraid of? The Top 3 “Fears of the Host Dad” & How to manage them
Feeling Squished by Our Au Pair
Host Mom Advice Wanted: How to get more privacy and family time?
When you need some time alone … with your kids, without the Au Pair
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship

Images:
On holidays from PetitPlat by sk_
Crowded from Tom Poes

“Our Au Pair tells us that she is ‘uncomfortable’.” … but what does this really mean?

Host parents, can you help with this request for advice?

This is our first aupair…(well our very first decided she couldnt handle it and went home after 1 month). She is 22 years old from Colombia and has been with us for 5 months….I have 2 kids ages 4 and 6. Both my husband and I work full time.

Our AP says she loves my kids and they do love her. She likes me, but does not like my husband (her HD).

She is a good aupair, but not a GREAT aupair. I say this because:

• Although her profile stated she cooks…she NEVER cooks..doesnt even know how to bake a simple box of brownies.
• She is not very organized.
• She is almost always late. I many times have to knock on her door in the a.m. because I am waiting for her to get up so i can leave for work. Sometimes she even says “I have 3 more minutes!”
• She has wrecked my car 3 times (within the first 90 days). I took away her personal driving priviledges and charged her my deductible.
• She claims that all of the aupairs have had accidents and it is normal and not that big of a deal…(well tell that to my insurance co that just doubled my premium to keep her on the policy)

I think it is a personality mismatch between my husband and her. He tries to talk to her, she gives one word answers and hides in her room. Then she complains that he never talks to her. She thinks he doesnt like her but just says it is because some days he is nice and some days he isnt.

She has visited other aupairs in their host family homes and now is comparing the relationships and the situations.

Here’s an example: Once HD asked her if she wanted a hamburger on the grill. She said yes, and so he threw one on the grill for her. While it was cooking, she took off in the car to go run some errands. He thought that was very rude..thus…he stopped cooking for her.

Now, she thinks he is rude because he doesnt include her. The story goes on and on…

She has been with us for 5 months, and now 2 days ago she sat down with us and said she is depressed and unhappy because of this relationship. She is very “uncomfortable”. HD assured her he does like her but that it needs to be a give and take. He explained that we would like her to act like a member of our family if she wants to be treated like one, and not do things like go hide in your room with the door closed at night, etc.

Needless to say…the situation is now uncomfortable for all of us. We left the ball in her court about what to do, because again…the kids like her and she does a good job with them so I really don’t want to force a rematch. And, the thought of starting over again makes me nauseous.

However, I just can’t imagine this situation resolving….if 2 personalities collide…can you really change that? Any suggestions?

“I’m not comfortable either” Mom

Dear INCE Mom,

I think I can predict what APM readers will recommend… and that is that you rematch. The list of annoyances suggest that your AP isn’t showing much of a sense of responsibility in general, and the rest of the story suggests that she isn’t taking responsibility for her part in creating a happy family relationship.

Without her taking responsibility, there won’t be a change in the relationship. You’ll just have another 7 months of annoyance and disappointment– if nothing else comes to a head.

Yes, it is a drag to rematch, but the outcome is rarely worse than what you’ve already got, and most of the time is better.

Research shows that people overestimate the amount of pain caused by a single major operation (like rematch) and underestimate the accumulated amount of pain caused by a grinding, relentless annoyance. Ultimately, both situations are crummy.

That’s my $.02…. Let’s hear it from you Host Parents… Can this relationship be saved?

Annoyed or Sleepy? by Doug Mc G on Flickr
Randy Annoyed, by muquelb on Flickr

Okay Host Dads, it being June and all, here’s a little info treat about– you guessed it– being a dad. Maybe the rest of us moms need to read it too so that we can be more sympathetic.

The Daddy Brain

Moms aren’t the only ones whose bodies change after having a baby. Jeremy Adam Smith reveals the new science of fatherhood.

"… The new science of fatherhood has started to cast Gopal’s dilemma in a new light. In researching my new book, The Daddy Shift, I read every word I could find in peer-reviewed scholarly journals about caregiving fathers, breadwinning moms, and the science of sexual difference. I also interviewed dozens of parents like Gopal and Martha.

Here’s what I discovered: Where once it was thought that the minds and bodies of men were hardly affected by fatherhood, today scientists are discovering that fatherhood changes men down to the cellular level. For more than a century, it was assumed that mothers, not fathers, were solely responsible for the care, life chances, and happiness of children. In recent years, however, we have discovered that father involvement is essential to a child’s well being, and that dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not.

As a result, scientists and parents alike are developing a radical new conception of fatherhood, one whose role is not limited to contributing sperm and making money. This should be a comfort to us all during a time of economic catastrophe, when 80 percent of people being laid off are men and tens of thousands of fathers are being thrown into new roles at home. Women have been supporting families for decades, taking on breadwinning roles that were once considered impossible. And after 30 years of research and growing male participation at home, we are now also beginning to understand that fathers can also take on roles as caregivers."

Click here for the rest of the article.  (From the Greater Good magazine.)

Although many of us moms are completely nonplussed by the idea that – gasp- men can be caregivers! the rest of the article is pretty intriguing.  I just hope that, despite the argument that "dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not", which may be true, the book is sensitive to situations of families and children that don’t have dads, like single parent moms and two-mom families.

See also:  The Daddy Identity Crisis, by Lisa Belkin, an interview in the NYT.

Thoughts moms? Dads?

Close behind the myth that every Au Pair is a "Hottie" is the myth that au pairs are out to steal your Host Dad.

I guess this is one of those where the exceptions are so salient that you end up believing that it happens a lot. I haven’t ever met a host mom or heard of a host mom in my cluster where this actually happened…but there are always stories. And if the stories aren’t about the au pair running off with the host dad, they’re about the au pair and the host dad getting somehow ‘involved’.

I can understand the fantasy and the fear, but –nothing against most host dads — they aren’t as a group the most compelling possibility for a girl who wants to snag an American husband. Were I out to snag an American husband, I’d pick one (1) without kids and (2) without a wife. But that’s me.

So it this something host moms really worry about, or is it just another salacious myth?

I blame Jude Law. And Robin Williams.

Even if it is a myth, there is no reason why you should choose to match with an obvious Ameri-golddigger. I think it’s okay to take a pass on applications from potential au pairs who send photos of themselves in bikinis. But screening out problems is harder than we’d think, since girls who might cause problems probably don’t advertise that on their applications.

It’s also okay to take a pass on the application of a potential au pair who is just too pretty or too hot. You don’t need to make yourself or your husband uncomfortable by choosing an au pair who will draw attention to her face, her figure or her availability.

As one mom commented on an earlier post:
Honestly, before we consider interviewing an au pair, I make sure she is not my husband’s “type”. My husband asked me for that, to avoid being uncomfortable in his own house. Truth is, males are attracted to young pretty women. Civilized married males will do nothing about it, but we have to make sure that we will be comfortable with a potential au pair in all aspects.

Why is this myth so potent?

I believe that one of the reasons this myth is potent is because it’s very awkward to recognize for yourself or to discuss with your spouse or partner the way that having a young adult woman living with your family can make everyone more aware of sex as a concept.

Some families may feel uncomfortable knowing that their au pair is out socializing with men who may take advantage of them, or (okay let me just say it) out having sex with a guy or guys. This is one reason why families (like ours) have rules about no overnight male guests. Who wants to explain that to an 8 year old? Bad enough she wants to read the Twilight series!

For other families, having a young adult woman who knows /thinks about sex may make it a little uncomfortable to continue with your pre-au pair romantic rituals without some conscious or unconscious adjustment. What kids don’t see/hear, young adults wonder about.

[[Note: How Host Dads behave is a topic for another time. Yes, we've heard those stories too....]]

What are your thoughts, host moms? And host dads?

Tawny Owl babies by Keith Marshall.

What is it about the term “au pair” that triggers salacious comments from people who should know better? What do you do when someone says something rude about au pairs as a concept?

This question popped up a few weeks ago for HostMomToBe:

… There is this one very annoying situation that I really could use some help with. So here it goes, I am going to ask a question that seems to be the first time asked on this wonderful blog:

How can I handle the lurid comments (eg., Is she hot?, Better watch out for your husband!) made by immature men and women (brothers, neighbors, anyone really) when I tell them we’re getting an au pair?!!

This really creeps me out and angers me! Please help, I can’t be the only one!

HM2B, you’re NOT the only one.

Try telling people you have a “Swedish Au Pair”, who is tall and blonde and pretty like ours!  Believe me, this happens to other host parents too. I’ve had this photo saved for almost a year, waiting for this post. The filename for this photo? “What men think au pairs look like.” If only that were completely funny, and not also kindof icky.

So moms, how do you handle this one?
And host dads, presumably you get this question too… but maybe with a few more ‘wink wink, nudge nudge, elbow elbow’s. …

What do you say?

[[Please note that we have a separate post for discussing the myth of "The Fox in your Henhouse."]]

… Dads with infant twins?

I often get calls from people who are friends of friends of friends who want to learn more about au pairs as a child care option.

Yesterday, I got an email from f-o-f-o-f who are expecting twins any day now. Beyond hiring a baby nurse for the first several weeks, they haven’t made any firm plans about childcare, and they wanted to learn more about having an au pair.

Skipping over the part that their twins are almost here, and recognizing that you can’t leave infants under 3 months with an au pair anyway—

That’s what I thought.

Here’s my take on it:

Caring for an infant is hard work, and caring for twin infants is more than twice as hard as caring for one.
(Baby algebra: 1 baby’s care + 1 baby’s care + coordination challenges = 2x + y.)

While some young women are up to the special challenges of caring for babies (vs. toddlers vs. tweens…), I think that it is a very rare young woman (or young man) who could handle two babies between the ages of 3 mos. and 15 months.

Do you think I’m selling au pairs short here? Or do you agree?

Weigh in, and I’ll gather up your comments to send to these dads-to-be.

(Yes, A, the image of the ‘dude with twins’  is especially for you )

Host moms–your advice is needed on this one– and it’s a pretty unique situation. There are THREE relationships — maybe even four– in this request for advice.  Relationship 1: Between the writer and the au pair , Relationship 2: Between the au pair and the Host Dad, and Relationship 3: Between the writer and the Host Dad who is also her boyfriend.  Let’s assume that things with Relationships 4 & 5, between the Au Pair & kids, and Dad & kids, are working out okay.   This situation is complex, maybe we can each just toss in an idea or two?

Re-assessing my perspective: Am I crazy?

I am in a weird situation. My boyfriend, his children, and his newly acquired au-pair all moved into my house. He is a widower and his children are young. People said this would be hard, but I never realized the trials I would go through.

I am a career woman. The demands of my job make it impossible to be a hands-on mom for the time-being.

My boyfriend is trying to make the best situation for everyone- giving au pair child rearing responsibilities, allowing me to meet my deadlines at work, etc. My problem is that I’m not happy. I love the kids and my boyfriend. i personally can’t find common ground with the au pair.

She wants to “serve” me, but I refuse her offers to wash my clothes or make me food. She manipulates situations – using the cell phone for international calls- to the tune of hundreds of dollars per month, she overflows the shower and the washing machine regularly, she doesn’t clean the table after the kids eat- leaving dishes in the sink and food smeared on the table.

My boyfriend feels that it is too hard on the kids to have numerous caregivers (the previous three were poorly selected) and wants to stick with this one because she has a positive attitude with the kids. He also wants to avoid having a “hot young au pair” because it won’t be healthy for our relationship because he calls me the jealous type- therefore he has another excuse to keep this au pair.

She will be finished with her contract in a few months. I have indicated that date should represent the termination point. He indicated she could stay on “somehow”. This mostly comes down to inertia, I think. He doesn’t want to change because it is easier not to.

He hasn’t ever contacted a babysitter.

I don’t know how to deal with this. Can it be handled, or should we part ways?

Are my feelings relevant, or should I just be handsoff and let him handle this situation however he sees fit?

My house is really taking a beating because it is being damaged – it’s my only investment and I don’t think the discipline is up to par. I know my friends and family members would never be so lenient in their own situations. Yet I don’t have the leadership position- I am given equal or less-than-equal say compared to the au pair, depending on the situation.

I feel that if this is going to evolve into a family situation, a temporary au pair can’t be given so much power that those other bonds and family environment don’t develop.

I’m trying to hang on to some sanity and find a way to make this work. But I am on the verge on living alone intentionally, because I can’t find a workable solution.

Moms & Dads– your thoughts?

Back when you were deciding whether to get an Au Pair, you might have encountered some resistance from your potential Host Dad.

“I’m not sure I want someone else living in our house.”
“Isn’t it just easier to hire a bunch of babysitters?”
“Maybe you should cut back at work.”
“Why can’t the kids just watch more TV?”

We’ve heard it all, and more.

If you’ve been paying attention, or even if you’ve been trying to ignore it, you’ve probably realized that Host Dads can be afraid. Very Afraid.

But just what is it, exactly, that Host Dads are afraid of?

I conducted an informal survey of several Host Dads of my acquaintance and discovered that to a man, they are all afraid of the same three things about having an Au Pair. These are….in descending order…

Fear #3. Host Dad’s afraid that he’ll have to deal with having other guys hanging around the house (when he’s not around, when he is around, when you’re home alone, whenever….)

Sexist as it is, men still think of their home (your home) as “their” territory. It’s theirs, and they don’t want to have to share it with anyone outside their clan.

Host Dads worry that an Au Pair might get a boyfriend or two or three, and that these boyfriends will end up hanging around in your his house. Having another guy in the house who isn’t their brother, dad or father-in-law, is like having some other big dog walk across their lawn. Guys just don’t like it, even if the dog is on a leash.

How to manage this fear:

Make some rules about when male visitors are and are not allowed in your home– if they are allowed at all. You might base these rules on what you imagine you’ll want for your own daughter (or your son’s girlfriends) when she’s a teen. Check out the Au Pair Guidelines for some suggestions.

Fear #2. Host Dad is afraid that the Au Pair will smash up the car.

Men care about cars, men care about high ticket family items, and men care about safety. Put these three concerns together, and you’ve got a man who is nervous about what that 20 year old is going to do with the second car. Heaven forbid she smashes it up, just before you were leaving on vacation!

How to manage this fear:

(1) Make some rules about safe use of the family automobiles. Check out the Au Pair Guidelines for some suggestions.

(2) Give your Au Pair formal driving lessons.

(3) Have Host Dad ride in the car with the Au Pair to assess her driving skills and to give her pointers. Do not allow her to use the car unless you are satisfied with her driving skill.

Okay, so those two fears can be managed by thoughtfully developing and applying Au Pair Guidelines. Unfortunately, the Number 1 thing that Host Dads are afraid of cannot be managed by Au Pair guidelines alone… because what Host Dad is really afraid of, is simply this:

Fear #1: Host Dad is afraid that he can’t walk around the house in his underwear.

Yes Moms, that’s what it comes down to– he’s afraid that having an Au Pair is going to cramp his personal “style”. And he’s right, it will.

— Attention Host Dad!! —
You can’t walk around the house in your boxer shorts anymore! And you certainly can’t walk around naked. Get used to it.

How to manage this fear:

(1) Buy him some new underwear. Buy him new pajamas. Buy him some groovy guy yoga pants from Old Navy. Maybe even buy him a bathrobe. Then,

(2) Tell him that, in his new p.j.s, he looks totally hot. And finally,

(3) Recognize that recommendation #2 will address what Host Dad is *really* afraid of.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Comments? Other “fear management” techniques? Share here…..

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