The quick answer?

• Only if you’re ready to rematch, and

• Only if you are ready to have your au pair hate you.

And you may well be ready for that, if this situation is what it’s boiled down to:

I actually just found this great blog because I believe my au pair has stolen our car to take a road trip with her friends this weekend.

When I heard she was planning to drive, I told her that another friend would have to drive as her car was for local use and I did not want to absorb the liability or wear and tear on my car.

She has not returned phone calls. I am tempted to report the car stolen.

We had another au pair several years ago whom we found out was taking the car to NYC regularly.

This is so frustrating, and I welcome advice!

This is quite the combo of au pair lying, au pair abusing the car, and au pair experiencing her privileges and entitlements– and this is before we know anything about what you host parents & family have been doing…

[Please note: There are always to sides of the story, We here on AuPairMom almost always give the host parent the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because this blog is for Host Parents! Otherwise, where are you gonna go to get some help?]

That said, let’s all give the host parent the benefit of the doubt and assume (until the parent tells us otherwise) that s/he’s been bending over backwards to accommodate this au pair.

Now, what advice do you have?

There comes a time in your relationship with your au pair where your ability to influence her behavior vanishes- just vanishes. This usually happens as she is getting ready to leave, either to go back home or to go on to an extension with another family. [When this happens during rematch, it's an entirely different situation-- for another post.]

You lose your influence because you lose a certain power known to economists as “the shadow of the future”. The shadow of the future is the idea that, if you and your partner want to keep your relationship going in the future, you have to behave in an ethical manner in the present. When your au pair relationship is coming to a close, it’s all of a sudden high noon. No more shadow.

For some au pairs, this will never be an issue. Many au pairs cherish their relationship with your family, they have high personal standards and they want to be remembered as terrific, responsible women who will be sorely missed. In the best relationships, your au pair goes out with a bang feeling proud of what she’s accomplished. And, you stand on the front porch with your kids, sobbing and wondering how you’ll get along without her.

But for other au pairs, their incentive to maintain a good relationship with you evaporates. They don’t care so much any more, because they’ve gotten from you what they can, and they are biding their time until they depart.

Now, the problem of lame duck-ness exists for both host parent and au pair… she is also likely to lose her influence on you as you contemplate no longer having to keep her happy, etc. with one huge exception– she retains leverage over you as long as you need her to care for your kid(s).

Some families try to gain a little bit of leverage by beginning to scale back on privileges– reduced use of the car, for example. But you don’t want to get into a battle of withdrawing one privilege only to have her reduce her effort, leading you both racing to the bottom of a tit-for-tat withdrawal strategy. That’s a sure way to end on a sad and sour note. But what else can you do?

1. Talk about the end before you get there. Discuss with your au pair the spirit with which you two should bring “this phase of your relationship” to a close. Be candid about the worst case scenario, and be clear and enthusiastic communicating the best case scenario.

2. Appeal to your au pair’s best nature. Talk about how you want to remember her, how much you enjoy her, how much the kids will miss her. Mention that you love the care she puts into their laundry, and that you wonder whether your next au pair will do the same. If you keep talking about her at her best, this will make it less likely that she’ll feel comfortable scrimping on the effort.

3. Refocus your priorities. Consider that she may begin to ‘work to rule’ and do only what’s required. As long as she cares for the children kindly and continues to follow safety guidelines, consider rolling with that.

4. Consider an end-of-year bonus or event that she can work towards. If you could figure out how to do it in a light-handed way, you might offer your au pair an extra 2 days off (or similar) if she keeps up the good work and gets all of her closing out tasks done.

5. Be the big person. Don’t get cheap on her, don’t get too mean, don’t give up.

[An aside: Several of our au pairs have received end-of-year bonuses from my DH and me. We have given them $200 or $300 extra, on top of their pocket money and after they have settled up their phone bills, as an extra thank you. Each time, this extra gift has been appreciated, and each time we've given it, it's been with no strings attached. But, I've wondered whether I could have used the bonus better- maybe as a 'completion payment' for a last month well done - if we'd had an au pair whose effort really diminished in those last weeks... ]

Recognizing that, as the end is near, you become a lame duck… what other ideas do you have for staying happy?

Happy Duck by law_kevin on Flickr

See Also:

• 3 Reasons Having an Au Pair Has Been Great for My Family
• Settling accounts — *before* she departs
• “Almost-done” Au Pair refuses to work weekends!

Principle: Our home is for you to enjoy as a member of the family, and we expect that you will treat it with respect and consideration.

1. You should clean up after yourself (put your dishes and clothes away) and do your own laundry, but we do not expect you to clean the whole house or do our laundry. Please do your own laundry during the week since we tend to do laundry on the weekend; avoid doing laundry on Wednesdays when the housekeepers are here. Clean the dryer lint trap.
2. To the extent possible, try to minimize the amount of noise you make in the normal course of your routine—doors slamming, heavy walking with shoes, conversations – and especially phone ringers, etc. Keep your bathroom door closed when you’re using it.
3. Please turn the power off on the computer in your room when you are not using the computer. Unplug the computer in a thunderstorm. In general, do not download items and never open email from anyone you don’t know. Do your best to avoid getting computer viruses.
4. Do not use the TV or media system in the family room. No visitors should go into our bedroom under any circumstances.
5. Please be careful with special things and never take household items outside the house without permission. Never set beverage glasses or hot plates on bare wood.
6. You may borrow CD’s temporarily from upstairs to play downstairs or in your room.
7. Keep your bathroom neat, and clean it once a week (floor, toilet, tub, and sink); be prepared to put items away when we have company, in case other people need to use the bathroom too. Change the rug as needed.
8. We will provide normal food, household, and bathroom supplies for you to use as needed. When there is something you want or need, please add it to the grocery list on the bulletin board.
9. You are welcome to cook and bake, and we’d welcome your cooking a simple family meal once a week or occasionally making a favorite dish from home.
10. You should pitch in with cleaning up after family meals, clearing the table, and putting dishes in the dishwasher. Your family chore is to empty the dishwashers & drying rack and put away dishes, throughout the week (not necessarily just when you are on duty).