Hi AuPairMom,

I am a new au pair mom this year. I love my au pair, we have a lot in common and she loves the kids. I was very happy to hear that she is interested in extending for 6 months, maybe even a year. But there ‘s a little bit of a glitch: She just found out that her Taiwan visa will not renew, so she will not be able to leave the U.S. during her extension.

Can anyone tell me:

– Is she technically illegal to be in the States (working or not working) if her home country visa is not renewed?
–is there any way to extend her visa so she can travel (since we may travel to Europe during her extension and would like to take her with us)?

Any advice that AuPairMom readers have would be great.

Thanks! Kathy

Extension Au Pairs, Visas and Travel

Kathy, I found some information about Visas and Au Pair Extensions on the APIA and AuPairCare websites:

Regarding legality, as long as your au pair’s extension has been approved through an official agency (one of the 12), s/he is legal to stay and ‘work’ for you until the end of her or his extension. From the standpoint of the US of A, she’s legal if we say she’s legal.

However, to travel outside the US with the ability to return to the US, your au pair has to have a legal visa issued by her own country. If her home country visa expires before the end of her extension year (which it likely does) she will probably not be able to travel outside the US and then return.

Travel: Visas and Extension au pairs

If you have been granted a program extension for 6, 9 or 12 months, this means that you are legally allowed to remain in the United States for up to an additional 12 months to continue on the Au Pair in America program. An extension of stay is for continued participation in the au pair program. However, the J-1 visa in your passport is at most a one-year visa. This means that during your program extension, it is likely that your visa will have expired. For the most part, you need a valid visa to enter the United States, and you therefore should not travel outside the country during your extension year.

Both sites advise that, although an extension au pair can travel to her home country, get a visa, and then return for her / his remaining (extension) time, there is no guarantee that her or his home country will extend the visa. If your au pair travels home and can’t renew her visa– you lose out.

Your au pair can go home while her current home country visa is valid, apply for an extension, and return with or without a home country extension as long as her current home country visa is valid. That means, she can travel home during month 10 to try to get an early renewal, and still be able to come back (supposedly).

Remember, our advice here is based on experience– don’t count on this advice being completely accurate and timely.

Call your agency for the full details before you decide.

Readers, any additional advice to share?

See also:

AuPairInAmerica site: Resources – Travel & visa
AuPairCare: Extension Program Travel

Image: Some rights reserved by richardmasoner

Gianna popped in with a question about seasons of the au pair year, and how these change when you decide to extend with the same au pair… I added a bit to Gianna’s initial question, to flesh out the whole picture:

It seems that the first year, for many people, the au pair relationship follows a fairly predictable pattern. There are ups, downs and periods of coasting, with a sense of beginning, middle and end.

But what happens when you au pair takes an extension? I would love to hear other folks experiences.

Extending with the same family:

• Do the phases of the cycle just get longer (get stretched out)?

• Does an extension year (or 6 or 9 additional months) have its own predictable periods?

• For a family extending with the same au pair, is it more difficult to say goodbye?

Extending with a different family:

• Do you go through the same phases of the cycle, just more compressed?

• Is there a cycle unique to an extension au pair with a new family?

Momto2 was quick to jump in and reply:

Our extension AP had some ups and downs the second year as well, but what made it easier was that the she was already so ingrained into our family, that we found ourselves more tolerant and forgiving. She definitely got more comfortable, and made some choices that we don’t think she would have made during her first year……(choices of friends/significant others, etc, social outings, etc.,).

Oddly, it wasn’t harder to say goodbye, b/c by the end of the second year, we knew it was time for her to go and move on with her life. At 27 years of age, and with a college degree, she was too old to be living in our basement any longer. The last couple of months of the extension year were challenging from the standpoint of getting the AP to hold the kids accountable. We could see that she was trying to make sure the kids would be fond of her after she left, and she did not want to give out any consequences.

What have your experiences been with the cycles of an extension au pair? Are there any patterns, or is each extension unique?

Image: ranunculus from citychiccountrymouse

I’ve got a problem regarding my au pair that might actually be my fault.

Our au pair is personally wonderful, lovely to have in the house, very helpful. She’s been with us 19 months. She is 23 and from Bosnia. She has a great relationship with my 6 yr old and 4 yr old. She loves them and is very concerned about them, my friends all tell me she is super attentive and playful with them (for example at the park or at the pool and I’m not with them). Outside of the problems below, the only other issue I have with her is that she refuses to discipline the girls, saying she “loves them too much.”

I have been getting frustrated with her because I feel that she still doesn’t really understand me sometimes when I give her directions, and she does not use common sense.

• Two months ago, she took my daughter to a class and dropped her off, not even noticing the class was halfway over and she was late, and she had the wrong time to pick-up my daughter – my daughter ended up sitting by herself for 30 minutes!

• Last month, I needed her to take my daughter to a piano lesson while I was in a business meeting and she told me beforehand that she knew where to take her, knew the location, but of course she didn’t and ended up driving in circles and missing the lesson. Why couldn’t she have mapquested it??? I gave her the address! (And, yes, she has her own computer!).

• Then, she was nice enough to do my laundry – I didn’t ask her to do it but saw her doing it. I asked her not to put anything of mine in the dryer. She says, “ok, ok” and then I woke up and not only were 3 bikinis, a juicy sweatsuit, and 2 dresses in the dryer, but she had washed them with a red beach towel!! I talked to her about it and she denied putting them in the dryer. My husband and I did not do it, and I promise you it wasn’t my 3 year old!

• We get back from vacation (she was in the house for the week and we let her have friends come and stay with her during that week), and the TV in the living room is turned on and the piano bench is all scratched up with strange scratches…. She has no explanation….

• Today, I need her to come home with the kids at a certain time, so I call and say, “Can you come home after 12:15?” She says, “yes, yes, I come right now.” I say, “No, listen, not now – at 12:!5.” she says, ‘Oh, oh, yes, ok.”

You’d think that working with these issues with our au pair would be the problem, but here’s the thing –

This is her 2nd year as an au pair. We promised her that at the end of this year we would get her an I-20 visa and sponsor her while she’s in school. She would continue to help take care of the kids while I sponsored her, which I understand is skirting the rules but which we have figured out how to do fairly.

But now, I’m having second thoughts. If it were simply an issue of extending, we might be choosing a different, new au pair.

However, even though her misunderstanding/lack of common sense issues are a problem, I know it would devastate her to have to go back to Bosnia.I ’m afraid of crushing her, sending her back to a country where her life will be terrible.   I also know she wouldn’t run off and get married (like my last au pair) to stay here because she is a really good girl…

So I’m looking for suggestions.

• How can I fix the relationship so it can continue?

• Do you think I’m being too nice and shouldn’t feel so responsible for her life?

• Should I go on to sponsor her?

• If I choose not to sponsor her, how do I go back now and tell her we don’t feel comfortable sponsoring her? That it will be VERY awkward around my house. Yet I can’t wait until the last minute to tell her – it would be terribly unfair.

I’d really like some help with this. I’m open to any and all suggestions.

DMBM

Image by JekInTheBox

One of my guilty pleasures as a host mom has been to think that I’ve been able to give my au pairs some good advice. After all, I’ve had a lot of life experience, I’m opening-minded, I have relevant professional experience, and — let’s face it– I usually know what I’m talking about (grin). Therefore, it has never really occurred to me that any of my au pairs might not be interested in my advice.

This au pair’s request for advice hit a little close to home. (Cough, cough.)  Aimee is a bit confused (her description) about what to do next in her life. But she’s clear about one thing; she doesn’t want to extend with her current host family.

In the meantime, her host mom would like her to extend, and may (or may not) be offering advice intended to meet the Host Mom’s needs and not the needs of the au pair.

How can this au pair get a little psychic space, and have some quiet to sort things out on her own?

Dear Au Pair Mom– First, I have to tell you that I’m a huge fan of the blog. I think it’s an amazing help. I”m a little embarrassed to admit how much time I spend skimming past topics and comments looking for tips and insights for my own year as an au pair!

I have a little dilemma, and that’s why I’m emailing you now:

I’m an American au pair, living in Europe city. My host family have two little boys who are complete angels, and I adore them. I’ve been with this family for about 2 1/2 months. I’m lucky enough to have my own apartment in the same building as my HF, so my situation is a little unique- it’s much more of an employee/boss relationship than a familial one, which is completely fine by me; it’s what I prefer. Right now, I’m scheduled to stay with this family until the end of July.

My problem is this- I’m 18 years old, and I have no idea what I want to do. My mother is pressuring me to start school in the fall, and I’ve applied to a couple of schools in the country I’m in now, but I’m not sure I’ll get in. My boyfriend lives in another European country, and I’ve also applied to a university there. I don’t want to go back to the States, and once August comes around, my visa will be up, and I’m scared of running out of options.

My HM knows this, and lately, she’s been keeping me later to “chat” about my future. We both tentatively discussed extending when I first started, but I made it clear that I wouldn’t commit to anything until I was sure. I was expecting to have that conversation in a month or so. My host mom was understanding and said “No pressure.”

Except lately, I have been feeling the pressure!

It’s not so much that I mind her nightly pep talks and advice, but I just can’t help feeling that they’re far from genuine. For example, every conversation always seems to end with, “… well, maybe you should just stay another 6 months or a year while you’re figuring out what you want.”

I’ve pretty much decided that whatever I end up doing, I won’t be extending, but I don’t want to tell her yet, because I’m sure she’ll ask what I’ll be doing instead, and I don’t want to say that I’m not sure yet and come off as, “Basically, I’m doing anything but staying with you.”

My HM’s advice also all ends up being exactly the opposite of what my own mother is advising me to do, and while I know it’s good to hear different opinions, frankly, I never really asked for my HM’S opinion, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Maybe if we had a more familial relationship, I would appreciate it, but I honestly doubt that my HD even remembers my last name, and I’m not interested in suddenly becoming the adoptive daughter so that she can try to convince me to extend.

I just want to finish my last several months in peace, without getting unsolicited advice about every aspect of my life (because she’s also given her two cents about my boyfriend, mother, father, and vacations) but without offending my HM and souring our normally pleasant relationship. I have my own opinions about her life, but I keep my mouth shut, because it’s not my place. How can I politely get her to do the same thing with mine?

Thank you a million times just for taking the time to read this!!
— Aimee AP

Dear Aimee AP-

Before we go further, let’s just chuckle at the irony of asking host moms & dads for advice about how to avoid a host mom’s advice!

This situation calls out for our favorite American problem-solving process: a frank conversation. You’ll need to find a way to talk about both extending and the advice, with the goal of leaving your host mom feeling good about you as an au pair, okay about your need to keep your own counsel, and okay about going on to find a new au pair.

Even though your Host Mom may be offering advice that suits her needs, let’s “extend a generous interpretation” to her and imagine that she’s doing this with the very best of intentions. Approaching the situation from this expectation may help to shape your conversation with your host mom in a positive way, since people generally will rise up to shine in the positive light we offer them. And, she may be unaware of how self-centered her advice seems… she may actually be thinking she’s helping!

Since you know what your actual decision is about extending, there isn’t a chance that the conversation will change that outcome for you… So, it’s all about shaping the way your host mom understands your decision(s).

Here’s one way to unfold the conversation:

First, you might gently tell your Host Mom that, although you are not sure what your exact plans are for next year, you know that you’ll need to move on to your next adventure. Having another 6 months as an au pair would just delay the inevitable decision(s) for you. And, the school year timing, how you’ll feel when you get accepted to schools, your desire to be nearer your boyfriends, etc. etc. all suggest that, when you do decide, you’ll be eager to go and actually need to leave right away. You do not want to leave her in the lurch.

It would be better for your Host Mom and for the darling boys if the transition for them could be deliberate, well-planned and well-orchestrated. You want to do what’s best for them, and what’s best would be to move on to another AP who could confidently commit to a year, without second guessing her next steps. Of course, you’d be happy to help orient a new au pair, or to do whatever else you can to make the transition easy for the boys.

In the meantime, you have been talking closely with your mom, who (as your HM may or may not know) is strongly advising you to make plans for school. And of course, you know that you can talk things over with your host mom if you need to sort out options, but your host mom will understand that right now what you really need is space to think things through yourself. You appreciate her understanding, etc.

You might also have a kind, one-liner ready, something like

“I know that you want to be helpful, and offer your perspective. You’ve had a lot of great ideas to share with me. But, what I really need now is not more information, but the chance to reflect on my own needs. And I now I can turn to you when I need help, but right now I’m not really feeling like talking about it more.”

Then switch the topic to something about the boys. To a host mom, the only thing more appealing than offering advice is talking about her darling kid(s)!

That’s one suggestion, and I’m sure other HMs & HDs have ideas too– so let’s hear them!

Image: Talk To The Hand from Tancread

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Hi Au Pair Mom Readers! Love the site and am totally addicted. The advice is so helpful!

I need advice on the subject of college education for my au pair. Our au pair has indicated an interest in attending university here in the U.S. instead of in her home country (Germany). It’s unclear whether she wants to pursue this for only a year or for all four years, but what is clear is that she wants to take credit classes and probably have at least a partial if not full course schedule. In other words, she wants to be an enrolled student at a college and take courses that will further her ultimate goal of attaining a teaching degree.

We love our au pair and would love to extend with her. Is it possible for her to do both, even if realistically she could only attend college part-time ? If she is not permitted to be an au pair or work for us full time while she is enrolled as a student, where can we find information for her about how to apply for a student visa and what she needs to do to apply at a college as a foreign student? We love her to the point that we would help facilitate her college enrollment even if that means she cannot extend with us as an au pair.

I know there are other parents that read this site that have been in this situation and have already done the research and can offer practical solutions. I really don’t want to reinvent the wheel and have to search for and then read piles of INS forms and college websites to figure out what someone else already knows!

Harry Potter Day by TheTidalRabbit

We are in month 8 with our first au pair (she’s frmo Thailand), who has been great. We would like to extend, and she would like to stay for at least six months more, but she would like to do so outside of the agency.

Apparently a friend of hers, at the end of her first year, got a tourist visa and continued on as an au pair with the same host family for the length of that tourist visa (I think 6 months is the max–but am not sure). The host family avoided the agency fee for the extension and also then paid the AP about $500/wk.

My AP doesn’t have the full details on this arrangement. It sounds sketchy to me, and I would obviously not want to do something illegal.

I am wondering if anyone has any advice about this–where it falls on the sketchy to illegal scale, whether you have heard it being done before, whether you would do it. Also, I do feel like the agency fee for the extension is exhorbitant given that it doesn’t seem like the agency does much for the extension–there’s no new screening or administrative work other than filing whatever paperwork is needed for the second year. I’d appreciate any thoughts on this.

Hi Mom–

Working while on a tourist visa is illegal.
Staying past the time on your student visa is illegal.
Leaving an agency may or may not be legal (it might violate your contract with them). [LCCs chime in here...]

People do extend their au pairs, without the right visas and without the support of their agency, sometimes. Overall, it’s a dicey idea. Tempting, but illegal, and for good reasons I think.

(Some of the issues in a previous question about changing an au pair’s visa status are applicable here.)

Three Reasons Not to Extend Illegally

Most important, this is illegal. Legality matters more to some than others. If she gets caught without a visa, she could not only be sent home immediately but also lose privileges to return to the US. Not sure what happens to you, the host family.

She will not have health insurance or liability insurance without being sponsored by an agency. You can, of course, find a way to get her some insurance, but if you don’t, think about what might happen if she were in a car accident. Who would pay for her care?

You will be without safety nets– both of you. Your family will not have an agency to turn to (such as they are) for help in any emergency (e.g., cheap flight home for her if someone in her family dies) or in a rematch situation. She will not have anyone to go to if you end up taking advantage of her.

That said, the idea is tempting … more cash for her, lower cost for you… if all goes well.

If you were to extend illegally, what would you do to make the situation "work"? Or, if you would not extend illegally, tell us what concerns you…..