Aupairgal asked a few weeks about how many host parents have lived abroad or were raised outside the USA. She’s wondering how our own international experiences have influenced how we approach being host parents.

So let’s take some polls:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

How has living abroad affected how you interact with or understand your Au Pair?

When we are looking for au pair candidates who might be a good fit with our family, we have criteria (e.g., must drive, can’t smoke, likes dogs) that are non-negotiable.

We have preferences that direct us to candidates with characteristics we think we’d like in an au pair (e.g., is musically talented, family-oriented, German).

And then we have ‘considerations‘, which are things we want to keep in mind as we evaluate prospective au pairs.

FrenchAuPair mentioned one feature of au pairs that might be something host families consider: the au pair’s sexual orientation.

Now, not every host family cares to know about an au pair’s sex life, and not every family wants an au pair who is will be sexually active. But regardless of whether or not an au pair gets involved with a relationship partner (or partners) she or he may likely have some romantic activity over the course of her/his au pair year. This may mean crushes, flirtations, whatever. Romantic activity can happen regardless of an au pair’s sexual orientation. And, even if there is no romantic activity per se, your au pair’s sexual orientation is part of who she or he is.

Your au pair’s romantic activity may be completely off your host parent radar. And, you may want it to stay that way.

However, there are at least two reasons why you may want to be aware of your au pair’s sexual orientation.

First, you may have some concerns about your au pair’s orientation and how to ‘fit this in’ with your family. Whether or not you are a ‘gay/bi-/queer positive’ person, you may feel more or less comfortable establishing a family-member-like relationship with a person whose orientation is different from your own and/or new to you.

Just because you’re ‘positive’ doesn’t mean you are ‘comfy’. And that’s completely normal.

Part of learning to embrace diversity and difference is learning how to develop close relationships with people whose life experiences and self-definitions are different from yours. And, this learning happens in layers… you start with one level of comfort, feel awkward, deal with it, grow closer, and then move to another level. Being ‘positive’ in theory is great; being ‘positive’ in close, daily interaction can be more challenging.

A second reason you may want to be aware of your au pair’s sexual orientation is that (1) in order to really know a person, and (2) in order to let another person grow, you need to acknowledge and be able to affirm the parts of them that they value.

You can’t have a good relationship with an au pair who is in the closet in your family but who really wants to be out. You can’t have a good relationship with a person who is experimenting with who he or she is while being judgmental of their experimenting. And, you can’t provide a healthy environment for your au pair and your family when you are unwilling to see them for who they are. This is true with regard to sexual orientation, ethnicity, spirituality, personality, and everything in between.

FrenchAuPair asks:

I am in a relationship, with a girl. My current host family doesn’t know. I am not hiding that relationship but they don’t ask about my personal life and I don’t talk about it either. I don’t plan on lying to my next family when I extend. If they ask me “Do you have a boyfriend?”, I will say “No, but I have a girlfriend.” I wonder if a lot of host families would have a problem with that.

I know some people don’t accept homosexuality. I just wonder to what extent? Would your reaction be a big No-no if a candidate was in a relationship with someone the same sex?

ShouldBeWorking replied:

Great question. I have wondered about all the ‘boyfriend’ discussions on this site, which presume that au pairs are all straight. And, moreover, do not acknowledge that as a young adult the au pair might be questioning her/his sexuality.

Not sure in your shoes whether I would say, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” or “No, but I have a girlfriend.” The former is to-the-letter honest but a little dodgy. If I chose the latter, I would put it in context, “Since you ask about a boyfriend, I wanted to let you know that my partner is a woman. Would that be a problem for your family? I am looking for a family that would be accepting and would not have a problem with this.”

This could pose problems for some matches, I imagine. But surely there are some families out there that would be fine with it?

Related note: I think an openly gay male au pair would face a lot of challenges getting selected, but I’m not sure whether it would even be harder for an openly lesbian woman!

Another: I have told prospective au pairs that we have gay friends, gay families are a regularity here, and ask if they are uncomfortable with that. I do this both to let them know what life here is like and to signal a gay-friendly attitude.

Similarly, TakingAComputerLunch added:

I would not have a problem with an au pair who is either gay or lesbian. I’ve had au pairs who have had lesbian relationships – I just wanted them to be happy and in a good relationship. (We’ve never had male candidates – as much as it might be easier for The Camel to be cared for by a strong man, either our agency doesn’t have many or most do not have experience with special needs children.)

On the other hand, I would advise you to tread lightly about how much of yourself you reveal to a potentional HF. When The Camel had nurses instead of au pairs (we were living in 3 bedrooms while the rest of the house was gutted), one reacted very strongly to the daughter of our next door neighbors – she didn’t understand how she could have two mommies and was rather vile when she realized what it meant. If it is very important to you that your host family be aware, then ask a leading question about tolerance. Of course, if you really want to be sure that you are completely accepted, then do come out to them.

Just as we may want au pairs to be comfortable with our own sexual orientation and be comfortable with the diversity across our own families, friends and communities, we want to make sure we can make them comfortable too.

Thoughts on this? How would you respond to FrenchAuPair’s question?

Image: Friendly Warmth from Alex Pete Patellis

Take a deep breath everyone– time to talk about something many people find uncomfortable: Racism.  But talk about it we must, because racism gets in the way of our relationships with each other.

3 Sources of “Racism Interference”

Racism interference can come from three directions, any of which can influence your match with an Au Pair.

1. The au pair’s racism leads her to reject or prefer your family, your children, you as a host parent, and/or your community.
2. Your own racism leads you to reject or prefer a particular au pair, au pairs from certain countries, or au pairs with certain cultural values.
3. Your concerns about racism (e.g., its effect on your children, or the patterns of behavior in your community, worries that your au pair will be racist) lead you to reject or prefer certain specific au pairs or candidates from particular cultures.

If you agree that all of us are (“still”) influenced by racism, even though the intensity and type of influence may have changed over the years, you recognize that racism is possibly at work when you and an au pair candidate consider a potential match.

I’d like us to consider all three ways that racism can influence our matches… but in this post I want to focus on

#1: Racism as expressed by potential au pairs.

I’m starting here not to blame au pairs first, but because I got an email from a host parent with a request that we talk about her experience.

This parent writes:

I have been a host mom for about five years, and it still amazes me how difficult my screening process can become when selecting an Aupair. In the beginning, the selection process seems to go extraordinary well, until I mention to the probable Aupair about our race. (My family is African American.)

Too often, I don’t get another response, until I call or email the Aupair days later to ask how are things. The usual response is “I am sorry, I already matched with a family”. But I know this isn’t always true, because the agency had indicated that the Aupair is still available.

So far, the Aupairs that have seemed to lose interest once they know we are black have been from Germany, or France, and Switzerland. I usually request Aupairs from these specific countries because, they tend to be very strong drivers, and becuase both of my boys understand German and French and I’d like to reinforce their language skills.

Earlier, we had a problem with an Aupair who knew of my ethnicity when she matched. Then, once she arrived in our home, she decided she could not take care of the children because of our ethnicity.

Two of our Aupairs have been  black women from South Africa. We have also had 2 white European Aupairs. The first European Aupair finished her year with us. However, she explained to me that it was often difficult for her, since she was uncomfortable taking my youngest child to the park because of the stares and glares she would receive from other white parents. (See #3 above).

The second aupair, after being in our home for only a week, stated she wanted “American culture” and not black culture. Ironically, she says black culture, even though our children are the only black children in their entire school. Both my Husband and I were born in America and raised in predominately white neighborhoods, so it’s not like she’d only experience “black” culture and not “american” culture (as though these were different?).

I have determined by deduction that unfortunately, in today’s society, it is acceptable for a black Aupair to push a stroller with a white child, but it is not acceptable for a white Aupair to be a caregiver or an Aupair to black children.

I hope I don’t sound bitter or upset, but I do feel a little disenchanted with the idea of “cultural exchange”. I want to be able to get the full advantage of the benefits of au pairs from other countries (even countries with certain languages) — but now I’m wondering whether this is less possible for some families than for others.

I realize that I could just interview aupairs who look like me or seem to be my same race, because they (the Aupairs) would presumably be comfortable living with us.

But what happened to the idea of “cultural exchange”?

Dear HostMomOfColor –

I’m not surprised that you’ve experienced this dynamic, but I am sad about it. Even when we recognize that these young women may not have had educations and life experiences that would teach them to be less racist or to work to resist the influence of racism on their own behavior, it still hurts. What I’ve learned as a white woman who has taught undergraduates about race, class, gender & orientation differences/dynamics, is that you can explain racism to people, but they have to want to unlearn racism themselves. And, doing this is hard work. It is unpredictable, and it may not be what they are up for.

All that said, there are some things I wish for:

I’d like au pair agencies to address racism head on.

• I’d like to see Agencies put something in their materials about how American families can be so diverse (Two Moms! Two Dads! Christians&Pagans! Bio&Adopted! BiRacial/Bicultural! Typical learners & Special needs! And more!). And, all of these are “American” culture!
• I’d like to see au pair Orientation have a session on how to handle “difference” that overlaps with and goes beyond “culture”.
• I’d like LCCs to have monthly cluster meetings where racism and diversity discussed and when inclusive behaviors are taught (maybe even by professionals).
• I’d like learning to live and work in diverse, inclusive situations to be an explicit focus and goal of being an au pair and having an au pair.
• I’d like Agencies to ask potential au pairs to discuss in their applications how they would manage being in a “diverse” (not just different) environment.
• Maybe au pair Agencies could even include a check-off list of what the au pair feels comfortable with, so that families with different profiles don’t waste their time? How about a list where you can indicate: I am comfortable being placed with a family that is non-white, non-English-speaking-at-home, includes a special needs child, is headed by a single parent, and so on.  [note 10/3: From the comments, it looks like Cultural Care already does this. Can anyone confirm for me, or fill in about other agencies?]

Host parents, what thoughts do you have for this mom?

What ideas do you have for the au pair ‘system’ for dealing with racism just from this one direction, from au pairs themselves?