You’ve found her/him, you’ve matched, you’ve sent follow up information, exchanged a few happy emails, and then all of a sudden…

… Your au pair goes quiet.

Time to panic?

Dear Au Pair Mom,

We are excited about our soon-to-arrive au pair. She seems great, but I am starting to worry.

I haven’t heard anything from her in several weeks, and she’s been slow to respond to my emails. She’s a native English speaker, so language isn’t the issue.

We had emailed a lot during matching, and we had lovely long chats by phone. I know that she’s busy working to make extra money to travel, seeing all her friends, etc, but I wonder: Is this a red flag?

Is this a sign that she is too self-centered? Will she slam into a wall when she gets here?

I’m starting to feel concerned because, while we’ve had good experiences with extension au pairs and rematch au pairs, the two I started off with “from scratch” went into rematch.

Advice, anyone?

Image: Anxious child at window by  IronRodArt- Royce Bear

We’re 1 month into our first au pair and not sure if it’s going to be ok or not. Just to clarify we’re based outside the US so our au pair has not come to us through an agency, in fact she is American.

We have 3 kids, all under 6 and there is no language barrier as we didn’t want to have to worry about that. I’m a SAHM who needs help because one of our children has special needs and takes a lot of attention. We interviewed via email and skype prior to employing her and thought we were getting a reasonably bubbly, cheerful, outgoing au pair. We didn’t.

Our issues are:

1. Our au pair is not very enthusiastic with the children. She came with great references but I have already had to talk to her about how to engage the children and be more enthusiastic. I set up activities but because she approaches them with such a lack of enthusiasm they never last long. This is especially true with the younger two children who are not bonding well with her.

2. She never talks to us (HF) unless spoken to first, never initiates conversation and we get only limited responses when we try to open up a conversation. As a result talking can be quite painful. She very obviously wants to spend her time off away from the family which is something we can live with but the lack of communication when she is working does as it affects the atmosphere in the house. It’s even basic stuff like she will not communicate to us whether or not she is in or out for dinner unless we ask. I spoke to her about this and she told me she tends to take a backseat in a new situation and just observe until she feels comfortable, trouble is it’s been a month and it’s making us uncomfortable now.

I have spoken to her about both these issues and seen a little improvement with the children, but no improvement on the adult communication issue.   I’m not sure whether to keep ploughing on or whether to cut our losses now. Trouble is, because there is no agency back up, if it doesn’t work out with us she has to go home, though this is a risk she knew she was taking before she joined us.

She is only due to be with us for 5 months but it’s feeling like it could be a long time. Any thoughts on how to improve the situation?

thanks — KP in the UK

Molly: A Dog With A Lot On Her Mind from miscpix

This mom has an interesting twist on a common challenge: the language barrier. In this case, her AP speaks clearly…she just doesn’t seem to understand…or listen.. or care. it’s not clear. Can you offer her any advice?

Our new au pair, from Brazil, arrived two weeks ago after our Swedish au pair decided our family "wasn’t the right fit" for her. We have two boys, aged 2 and almost 4. Our new au pair was a breath of fresh air, really – positive, a lovely smile, very sweet, great with our boys even when they’re challenging. We have our 2-week orientation tonight and it has forced my husband and I to acknowledge our concerns about her English.

She is one of those rare people whose expressive language (what she can say) is far better than her receptive language (what she understands). I have a very difficult time knowing if she has understood anything I have said to her.

Usually, I get a blank look that leads me to believe she does not understand. I am now beginning to see, after a week of training, that many of the instructions I gave to her are getting confused. I have also gone to the point of writing out on paper a daily schedule and all of the types of foods and meals we prepare for the boys throughout the day (to the point of – butter and cut up into squares). She didn’t seem to retain much about the food prep training we had done. This is a different experience from our first au pair, from Panama, who was shy to talk, but understood most of what I said to her and understood what to do, especially around food, the first time I showed her.

She is also not able to understand my children. So, when my 4-year-old politely asks for something more for breakfast (more blackberries, please), she doesn’t hear him or listen or understand. We’re not sure which. In fact, we are noticing that she does not seem to listen when we are talking to her and we have to say her name first to get her attention. This makes me think that most of what she hears us say is jibberish to her, so she is tuning out!

We are also trying to look her in the eye when we talk to her, demonstrate instructions versus telling her, etc. It is becoming clear to us that we need to ask her to acknowledge whether she has understood something and repeat it back to us – very time consuming, to be sure, but I think necessary at this point. And, that we need more training. In 90 degree heat yesterday, she didn’t put the boys’ hats on or use sunscreen as I have instructed her several times. I only know this because my husband happened to be home sick yesterday. Otherwise, we would never know! I think overall she is well-intentioned, but we don’t know if we are dealing with a language issue or a competence issue. I suppose time will tell??

She has not yet enrolled in English classes because she just missed the cut off for summer classes. However, my husband and I feel that she needs to get involved in some English instruction ASAP for this to work out. And, she spends the majority of her time with another Brazilian au pair speaking Portuguese, so she is not immersing herself in the language to be sure.

We are also noticing that our boys are starving when we come home, such that we are feeding them a second dinner when we get home at 6:30-7pm and an after dinner snack. They can’t seem to get enough, which worries me about what they are eating at home. She has in fact admitted that they are eating a good lunch, but not eating their dinners.

So, how much time does it take for the language to "take off"? What can we do to facilitate communication with very limited language skills? How can I help my children get her to listen to them and understand them? Any thoughts, tips, or strategies would be appreciated!

Thanks,   AnonMom in California

Not Listening (little girl) by Jamesotron on Flickr

Not Listening (big girl) by Kitbex on Flickr

Once you’ve found a candidate that interests you and you have her contact information, you need to establish contact reach out to her.  I’ve found that an email is a great way to start the conversation. (If she does not haves an email address, go to the phone pronto.)

An email can "warm up" a candidate by giving her the basic information about your family. Because it is written information rather than spoken information, she can take her time translating it, pronouncing your names, looking up your state on the map, and so on.

Your email has three goals:

1. To make sure that the au pair is cool with the basics of your situation: location, # kids, usual work week, etc.
2. To give her enough information that she can have something to know you by when you call.
3. To make sure that she is actually still looking for a position, and/or whether she has other families in play.

In addition , I always attach a photo of my family, and our host family essay. Depending on the au pair’s level of interest in your basic situation, she can use your family essay to get a better sense of you all.

You email can also start to ‘sell’ your family to the candidate, because it is likely that your text, your photo, and your family essay will display something out your family’s personality and host family approach.

Armed with the basic information, the candidate is able either to reject you on very basic grounds (e.g., because you’re in New Jersey and she wants California) or get excited about your phone call. Plus, she now has your email– and an enthusiastic candidate will take advantage of that and reply to you.

But what do you put in the email? Here’s one example…

Hi (AuPair Candidate) –

My name is Terrific Hostmom. I am a host mom in NiceTown, New Jersey – which is just outside of New York City. My family and I are looking for a new au pair.

We recently received your application information from < our agency >. We might have a family situation that matches your interests. Because we have had several au pairs over the years, we have a pretty good sense of the kind of an au pair we are looking for, and you seem like the kind of young woman who might do well with our family. We know that girls with your qualifications can match very fast and so we hope this email reaches you soon enough that you can consider us.

Here’s a quick introduction to our family: My Husband HD and I have two children, Child One (age x) and Child Two (age y). We also have a very friendly dog, Coco. We live 20 kilometres outside of New York City, in a suburban town called NiceTown. There are a LOT of au pairs here– many from < your country >– so it’s easy to make friends.

We are looking for an au pair who is kind and loving, is mature and responsible, is a safe driver, knows how to swim, and is not afraid of dogs. Our au pairs generally work Mon-Fri before and after school, and 2 Saturday nights per month– an average work week is 36 hours.

I am attaching our family essay and a photo of all of us. Would you be willing to look over our family essay and see if the position we have looks interesting to you? If it does, we could plan to talk on the telephone soon.

Please let me know that you have received this email— and whether you are still looking for a family.

We hope you’re interested in talking with us and exploring the opportunity to au pair with our family.

All the best,
Terrific Hostmom

Have you used an introductory email, before a phone call to a candidate? Anything you’d advise? Do tell….

Calif Mom needs some ideas for upgrading her communication system with her au pair.

My AP joined us last summer and is going to extend (yay!). I have been wanting to fine tune some expectations ahead of signing those papers, and have been taking notes on specific things I would like her to start doing more consistently. Our handbook is pretty good, but things like schedule and kids’ needs have changed.

She and I do not have much overlap time (she is not a morning person, and retreats to her room when I come home, which is fine, but makes it difficult to provide feedback in a casual sort of way.)

During her spring break vacation, I spent a lot of time thinking abt how to launch our new “performance management system”, and a key element was going to be email (thanks to that whole discussion about extending the so-so au pair). If we don’t get some of these things to go more smoothly, I’m pretty sure I won’t be thrilled that I chose to extend with her, if you know what I mean.  

Well, now it seems her laptop migrated to a friend when she was on break. She has plans to save money and buy another one but that will be a long time from now. So email will no longer work.

Here’s my plan, please help me fill gaps:
– email (defunct for now)
– Monday night meeting to go over schedule for week ahead
– establishing a system of checklists for each day

I am contemplating whether having a “yes, we want to extend, but here’s what we need to improve” conversation with her, or if that would backfire.

One other factor — her first week back from vacation was a bit of a mess, with late kid pick-ups, forgetting important items, etc. caused by disruption in routine and perhaps lingering distraction of her trip. She feels terrible about the problems, and while I don’t want to hit her while she’s down, I do want to take advantage of the opportunity to ask for some improvements.

As I read it, there are three things Calif Mom needs some ideas around:
1. Which system should she try next for communicating with her au pair? What will replace email effectively?
2. Should she initiate a conversation where a condition of extending is that the ua pair change some of her routines, behaviors, etc.?
3. Should she initiate this conversation right now, while her au pair is aware that she hasn’t been quite up to par this week right after vacation?

I’ll jump in with some thoughts about #2

– I think that before you sign the extension papers, you and your au pair need to "reset your expectations" and re-commit to your relationship, if you will.

To frame the conversation, you might suggest that :

(1) One advantage of the conventional year-long stay has been that you would get a new au pair, with new expectations, to fit your needs as the kids grow and life changes.

When you extend with your same au pair, you still need to reassess old systems and create new ones. Only this time, you have to get some one to change her behaviors, not just learn from scratch how to do the au pair job in your particular household.

(2) Another thing is that, you and she are making a legal commitment. Any time she makes a commitment or "enters into a contract" she should always be as clear as possible about what is expected of her and what she expects (of you in this case). That’s just being a smart adult.

SO, she needs to be a smart adult and you need to be a smart adult and you both need to have a clear conversation about how things will change "now that the kids are older, their routines are changing, and everyone’s needs are changing."

Other ideas:

You might try using language like "revise" or "change" or "upgrade" or "switch" rather than improve, if you don’t want to lean too heavily on disapproval as a ‘motivator’.

Be ready with some things to offer her… Has she earned any new privileges? Are you able to give her more of something non-monetary? Are you able/willing to change anything about your systems that might help her get something she’d prefer (within reason of course)? She will be getting more of a stipend in recognition of both her experience and the amortization over time of the agency expenses…. but I’m not sure whether your agency gives you any break on the agency fees for the extended months. If they do, you might consider offering this to her as a raise, or telling her you’ll save it up for something like a completion bonus…

Consider, too, if there is anything that you can ask your children to do differently– maybe do a few more chores with supervision, rather than having the au pair do for them, or promising to help your au pair polish her English pronunciation or spelling.

Finally, don’t be too nervous about having the conversation– if she wants to stay she should be willing to revise how things get done. If she’s not willing to make some changes, then really you might be better off with a new au pair…. The important thing is, don’t tempt yourself to think that you can avoid conflicts by just not talking about them. We all know that doesn’t work, even if we fervently wish it did.

I don’t know why the bunnies. They ARE cute, no?

Moms, chime in with ideas!