Usually I shy away from offering or requesting parenting advice on this blog… I know what has worked for my family and I also know that every family’s systems have to fit within its own values, norms and culture. So, when it comes to questions of “how should my Au Pair discipline my kids” I haven’t had much to say, until now.

Kids, au pairs, and parents all need to share a system of discipline.

(Personally, I’d prefer the phrase “system for shaping the children’s positive behavior”, but let’s use discipline.)

In order for kids to learn to behave well, kids need to be:

• Clear about exactly what your behavioral expectations are.
• Confident that there are consequences for both bad and good behavior.
• Certain that your expectations of them will be applied consistently.

Expectations

You host parents should have begun to write down your expectations for your children’s behavior as part of creating your au pair handbook… as you tell your au pair what you want from he kids, you are also able to clarify this for your kids themselves.

Discipline systems

You have to have a system. Random punishments, ad hoc expectations, and differences across the ‘adults in charge’ don’t teach kids anything but ‘Hey, maybe I can get away with it this time!”

No matter what systems you use– time outs, no privileges, screaming — you have to maintain some consistency between you and your au pair. Not only should the kids not hit each other when s/he’s in charge, they shouldn’t be allowed to hit each other when you are in charge.

If you expect your au pair to keep kids under control, and you are unwilling to do the same when you are in charge, you are behaving like a bad parent. Period.

Kids need consistency. You and your au pair must apply the same rules and the same kinds of consequences.

How to learn a system and maintain consistency

1. One way to maintain consistency is for all of you to follow the same book. Yes, I said book. Find a book with a system you like, buy a copy for yourself/partner and your au pair, and all of you implement it.

My personal fave is 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (affiliate link). This is also a favorite of noted AuPairMom-er, CalifMom. 1-2-3 Magic uses a counting system with no yelling linked to time outs. We riff on this a bit by asking the children to reflect on how they could be kinder, more helpful, etc. while they are in their time out, but generally we’ve followed this system.

[1-2-3 Magic has worked so well for my family that, for the first time, I'm putting an affiliate link on AuPairMom. This simply means that if you click on the link and buy the book off Amazon, Au PairMom gets $.25.  It's kindof like getting an allowance, I think. ]

1-2-3 Magic is also straightforward enough that all of our au pairs have been able to apply it. The book is easy to read, and there are even summaries online that you can download for your au pair’s handbook. (I also noticed, when I went looking for an image, that there is a webpage, a newsletter, DVDs, the whole works. No matter what medium you prefer, they’ve got it.) (Note: here’s an affiliate link if you want to buy the book on Amazon: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12)

2. Another way to maintain consistency is for you and your au pair to attend the same parenting class. In my town the YMCA does classes on raising successful kids, and they have childcare during the sessions.

You must be a good role model

Regardless of how you learn a system or which you choose, you the host parent will need to model the discipline style and strategy that you’ve chosen. You are modeling it not only for your au pair’s benefit, but also for your kids’ benefit.

And a bonus? This is one of those situations where knowing that your au pair is watching you and following your lead helps to make and keep you a more consistent parent.

Of course, many of us lose it and scream on occasion, even when this is not part of our official system. (In my family, we call that “1-2-3-BREAKdowwwwnnnnn”.)

And, even though we’re more okay when we shout than we would be if we heard our au pair shout, it’s better to avoid a double standard. Thus, you should avoid breakdowns by using a good system, that fits your family, and that you’ll apply consistently yourself.

Another bonus of having the same system and applying it consistently is that you will seldom if ever feel like you need to intervene when your au pair is on duty and the kids are being hellions. If your au pair knows the system you approve of, and she’s using the system you’ve approved of, everybody knows what comes next. You don’t need to be ready to come to the rescue, intervene, and potentially damage your au pair’s credibility with your kids.

Our  other go-to parenting book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (affiliate link). This book offers advice on how to create and sustain good relationships between kids and parents, and helps set the stage for love and respect within your household.

Katydid sent in this specific request:

I’m always wondering the best way to empower our Au Pairs to get our kids (now 3yr old boy & 5yr old girl) to do what they are supposed to and to discipline the children when they misbehave.

As a parent I can threaten with a heavy hand to take away privileges and when I’m really hot under the collar “i’m going to spank you if you don’t stop” sometimes comes out of my mouth. Frankly if I ever heard our Au pair talk to the kids the way I do sometimes I wouldn’t be happy with them.

I have to add that my husband and I both work at home in an office attached to the rest of the house, so when everyone is here – we hear it all and have to make decisions about when we get involved or just let our Au Pair handle it.

What else might you advise Katydid for empowering your au pair?

Although this blog is not really for au pairs, there are times when other host parents are the best folks to offer advice to an au pair. This particular situation is a tough one, since the problem concerns how the Host Dad treats his son, and how (or even whether) the Host Mom and the au pair can change the situation.

Au Pair Lucy recently wrote with a question about some dynamics with her Host Dad that are turning out to be quite difficult. She’d like our thoughts about what to do.

Hi I’m an au pair in France, currently in my seventh month with the same family. I feel like I got so so lucky with this family and I’m really happy with everything, except with the Host Dad.

I feel like the Host Dad is really really negative towards his eldest son. I cannot handle it anymore. The child has difficulty taking care with his handwriting, and I’m always next to him helping with his homework and reminding him to take care with his handwriting. He has been getting punishments because of this, so I try to make him do his best at all times. One day he had taken so much care with his handwriting and I was so proud, I told him to go show his father, who was playing video games in the room next-door. His father refused to pause the game to look at his son’s work, and what’s more, called him selfish for it, and he came back into the room to me in tears.

I really can’t understand how someone could have decided to have a child, which he did, the children were planned, and treat them like that?

The father has blown up at the child, 8 years old, quite a few times over these past 7 months.

I really feel like, as an au pair, I can’t say that I disagree with how he treats his children. I feel like that is a conversation that would ruin my relationship with the family, whom, apart from him, I absolutely adore! On the other hand I can’t sit back and let him abuse a child emotionally, because I feel like that is what he is doing.

Do you have any advice for me about this situation?

Start with the Host Mom ?

SInce the first thing I’d advise would be to talk with the Host Mom, I wrote Lucy back to aks her if she’d done this already, and what had come of it. Lucy replied:

My Host Mom evidently has spoken about this with the father, because she mentioned to me that he would be making an effort to be less hard on his son.

Which worked for about a month, around Christmas, when all their family was around, but he no longer seems to be making the effort.

And I feel bad for my Host Mom because I’m pretty sure she knows how I view the situation, and I feel like she is trying to please everyone. She doesn’t contradict her husband, then she has to comfort her son and then reassure me that she is not ok with what is going on. It really isn’t fair on her, so I don’t know if I could bring it up with her, I feel like she has enough pressure as it is.

Having an au pair around has usually helped me be a better mom. I’ve wanted to be a good role model, and frankly also not embarrass myself. I have occasionally been aware that having my au pair around has prevented me from acting out my own worst Mom behavior. And, I’ve also been embarrassed to not have acted as warmly towards my kids or my spouse in front of (not to mention away from) my au pair.

But, other than being told that I wasn’t teaching my kids enough about Jesus, I’ve never had to respond to implicit or explicit criticism from an au pair.

So, I wonder what the best way is to:

• Protect the Host Child
• Support the Host Mom and Host Dad in better behavior
• Kindly confront the Host Dad

Parents and au pairs, what should Lucy consider?

Temple of Philae, Dec 2008 – 27 from Ed Yourdon

Green Pencil by Pink Sherbet Photography (D Sharon Pruitt)

I got an email from “Undercover Host Mom” — she is struggling with this dilemma:

Although we have a strict and absolute non-smoking policy, and discussed this before we matched with our au pair, I have come to wonder whether she is smoking in our car and maybe even in the house. (It’s hard to tell whether the smell is from her clothes or in the room itself.) Before I bring this up with our au pair, I am tempted to snoop around in the AP’s room to check for cigarettes.

But my question isn’t about the smoking part. It is about the snooping part.

This is actually one of those ‘tough topics’, when it is hard for us to talk candidly for fear of getting others upset.  Here’s what I’d like to know:

• Do host moms (or dads) snoop around the AP’s room, ever?

• Just to see what’s there, anything contraband or inappropriate?

• Or do they do snoop only if they have suspicions about something bad?

Or do other host parents simply never, ever, ‘look ‘?

Let’s also take a snapshot, with this poll:
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.
Parents, you are welcome to respond anonymously to this post. However, please choose a fake name that indicates whether you are a mom or dad (or au pair).

[Au pairs, please do not 'flame' parents who want to discuss this issue candidly.]

Also, let me provide a formal definition of “snooping”:

Snooping is walking in, looking around, and leaving.  Opening drawers, opening closets, opening suitcases, and opening journals is not “snooping”. I’m not sure what to call that, but that’s worse than snooping. Let’s just deal with plain vanilla snooping here…

Peek-A-Boo from Lucy James Photography

When a host family takes their au pair with them to work during part of the vacation, what should they provide for her during her off-duty time? Especially, what should you provide on a ski vacation, where costs are relatively high and your au pair can’t afford to pay for her own skiing?

A European Host Mom Ann asks:

Our au pair from America is a nice girl. She has been here since start of January. In two weeks we will be going on a wintersports holiday. She will travel with us to the hotel (so travel expense is covered) as is the hotel including dinners and breakfast. She will stay in a room that she shares with the boys. We will make sure she will have privacy there.

My question is: who should pay for what? Skipass, ski lessons and a rental of skis & helmet will be necessary (also she needs glasses, a warm jacket and snowpants) if she wants to go skiing. She is supposed to work this week, but if the kids are in ski-lessons, she is off-duty, so she could use this time for skiing.

I would appreciate your advice very much–

thanks, Ann

Let me start of with some general principles for taking your au pair on vacation:

• Anytime you take your au pair with you to work, when you are on vacation, you should provide her with comfortable lodging, and all the same kinds of food, etc. as you would your kids. (However, don’t let her run her own bar tab on your room account!).
• Make sure she knows that, while it’s vacation for you, it is largely work time for her.
• Set aside some off duty time for her so that she can explore wherever you are and spend a little time vacationing too. Also, make sure you’re giving her a decent chunk of time off (like, an afternoon to sight-see, not time after dinner when it’s dark and everything is closed).
• Make sure she has things to keep herself busy not bored.
• Make sure that she has a way to stay in touch with family and friends (e.g., internet access).

You are already planning to do much of this, and thinking about the other details now is definitely good.

The hard part is always whether you can afford to have your au pair vacation in the same style as you parents or the kids are vacationing.  After all, it’s your vacation and not hers.

In an ideal world, you’d have enough money (we all would) to be able to pay for your au pair to ski during all of her off duty time… However, given that it costs around $100 per day to have your au pair ski, this may be out of the question for you.

You’ll want to talk with your au pair about how much it actually costs to pay for each skiing adult. Here in the US it’s horribly expensive– maybe it is less so where you are going? But you want to make she that she knows whether or not it’s easy for you to afford. Not that you want to make her feel beholden if you can afford to treat her, but you also don’t want her to misperceive the extent of your generosity. To imagine that two days of skiing equals a week of pocket money sure puts that into perspective.

You might consider how much you can afford to spend to entertain your au pair… and then offering her the opportunity to chose how to use this budget. She might prefer two days of skiing, or maybe she’d prefer extra time off to do something less costly (skating, movie marathons, hiking).

Make a special effort to identify some interesting and less expensive activities that she can enjoy, and make sure she packs what she needs for those activities. For example, your hotel may have a pool, whirlpool and fitness room. Or, you might bring a laptop and a video camera and encourage her to make a few movies. You might identify historic sites near to your hotel and get her tourist information. I know this may seem dorky and unglamorous compared to skiing, but everyone can remember that this trip is part of her chance to see other areas of the world, and she could take advantage of that regardless of the skiing.

Keep in mind that, when you take an au pair with you on a ‘fancy’ vacation, she may thing that you have a lot of disposable income and that if you aren’t paying for her, too, you’re simply being cheap. It is hard for au pairs, kids, relatives, anyone but the adults in charge, to know how a vacation fits into the family’s overall budget.

My personal opinion is that you should try to spring for two days of skiing… maybe her two off duty days, or a few half days while the kids are busy. It would be hard not to come off as mean to take her to a ski resort and not help to make it possible for her to ski a bit too.

Talking about all of these issues is difficult, and with an immature au pair it can be impossible. But, you are starting with a good foundation.

Remember, and mention this to your au pair, that being able to talk about money, about privileges, about role differences, and so on is not easy, but it is the only way we can make sure that we are correctly understood — in both directions.  This is part of the life lessons for host parents and au pairs.

What else should Ann think about? What do you advise??

Also see:

Don’t take your Au Pair on vacation during her first 3 months!

Family Skts from jgscils598f08 Pretty young woman in white and…from nigel67

I’m a believer that different members of a family have different privileges and responsibilities, depending on their roles and their ages. Parents have more privileges than do children, and employers have more privileges than do employees. The rules that we follow can be different, as long as they are fair.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, uses my chef’s knife. When I’m driving, I get to choose the music. And guess what– if I want to leave my lunch dishes in the sink until dinner, I do.

I also have different expectation for myself when the kids are with me than I’ve had for our au pairs when they are on duty with the kids. I’m usually doing many other things in addition to being with my kids (like, oh, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, stuff like that). I don’t ignore my kids, but I don’t spend all of my time engaging them in educational play.

However, when our au pair is on duty, I do expect her to focus her attention on the kids, since that’s her job.

And, yes, in can be awkward when I expect her to focus 95% on the kids, when some times I focus only 65% on the kids. I think it’s fair, but it is also awkward, precisely because the differences in privileges point out that parents, au pairs and children have different roles in a family.

Host Mom-with-The View sends in this question, hoping for some advice on how to work this out a specific situation, where she wants a   different set of privileges for herself vs. her au pair.

I am expecting my first au pair in 3 weeks. She is 22, German and speaks great English. I have a 21 month old son who is extremely active, and I am expecting a new baby in March. I work 3 days a week outside the home, full time, 12 hours days. As I know her now, I like my au pair very much. I am very eager to start with a positive, fair, respectful relationship.
I am writing out family handbook, and trying to decide if it is fair to tell the au pair that she may not watch TV while the children are awake. I almost always have the TV on when I’m home. I don’t watch shows I have to pay attention to, but I like to have the Today show, or the news on in the background while my son and I play or do other things.

Occasionally, when my son is occupied, I will watch a show I have recorded that does not require much attention, or I will just rewind if I miss a part because I’ve been paying attention to my son. My son rarely watches TV, just the occasional 20 minutes of Sesame Street if I need to remove him from my leg to cook dinner or iron clothes.
My concern is that the au pair will half-ignore the kids if the TV is on and she really wants to pay attention to what is on TV. I know how I am with my son, and that he does not lack for attention or engagement while I have the TV on. I don’t know if this is something the au pair will be able to do.

I want to be fair, but I also think of this as her job, where she should follow the rules, but I’m afraid of the concequences of setting such an obvious double standard. I imagine this double standard will be very evident to her since I will be home for 12 weeks on maternity leave about 4 weeks after she arrives, in addition to the 2 weekdays days every week I’m home with her.

Can I ask her to do something I am not willing to do myself? Thank you for your help!

The quick answer?

• Only if you’re ready to rematch, and

• Only if you are ready to have your au pair hate you.

And you may well be ready for that, if this situation is what it’s boiled down to:

I actually just found this great blog because I believe my au pair has stolen our car to take a road trip with her friends this weekend.

When I heard she was planning to drive, I told her that another friend would have to drive as her car was for local use and I did not want to absorb the liability or wear and tear on my car.

She has not returned phone calls. I am tempted to report the car stolen.

We had another au pair several years ago whom we found out was taking the car to NYC regularly.

This is so frustrating, and I welcome advice!

This is quite the combo of au pair lying, au pair abusing the car, and au pair experiencing her privileges and entitlements– and this is before we know anything about what you host parents & family have been doing…

[Please note: There are always to sides of the story, We here on AuPairMom almost always give the host parent the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because this blog is for Host Parents! Otherwise, where are you gonna go to get some help?]

That said, let’s all give the host parent the benefit of the doubt and assume (until the parent tells us otherwise) that s/he’s been bending over backwards to accommodate this au pair.

Now, what advice do you have?

Here’s a tough situation that could use your advice! This host parent is facing what feels like a win/lose situation in a conflict between what the family wants and what the au pair wants.

Check out the details, weigh in at the poll, and then offer some advice!

Dear AuPairMom Readers– I was so glad to find this blog and LOVE the info and advice it provides to host families. I know the topic of vacations has been discussed in the past, I have a more particular have a situation that I would love to get input on, specifically related to whether we can/should ‘require’ our AP to come on vacation with us:

We are planning to take a week long vacation for a family wedding on the east coast in a few months. Our entire family lives there, so we generally travel there once a year.

We have taken our APs in the past and it has worked out really well all around. We have a two and six year old, so the benefit of an extra adult on the long plane ride is super helpful and having a sitter for a few nights and for family events is great.

We also make sure our AP has a reasonable amount of free time to explore the area, visit NYC, etc. We stay with our in-laws, but she has her own room and we do our best to help make her comfortable and assist her with sightseeing plans.

Here’s our current issue:

My brother’s wedding is the EXACT SAME NIGHT as our au pair’s 21st birthday.

Our Au Pair has politely told me that she would greatly prefer to spend her 21st celebrating with her friends in Vegas (which she has already visited twice).

She has been with us for six months and is wonderful with the children, although we’ve had some issues with being part of the family, car usage — just overall personal maturity stuff.

I certainly don’t want to ‘force’ her to go and worry whether she’s miserable during her trip with us. But, at the same time it would be very helpful for us to have her there.

Also, I feel frustrated that she is being shortsighted by not seeing this as a great opportunity for her to experience other parts of the country that otherwise might be too expensive for her to travel to on her own.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Just a quick poll for your immediate reaction (you can choose more than one answer):

READERS:  (Sunday am) The Original Poster (OP), Melissa, has offered some additional information about the situation to address some of the assumptions and questions raised in the (already) 50+ comments. I’m putting this info right here in the original post, so that you don’t have to scan the whole comment thread to consider her information before sharing your advice. Also, the bolding and underlining are from me, to help you find the various elements. Here it is:

I’m the OP and thought it might be helpful to provide some additional details to our situation. First, thanks so much to everyone who took the time to respond – I really appreciate your input and suggestions and have some really good points to consider!

Regarding whether we ‘need’ our AP on the trip – this has been a tough one for me to determine because the only time I feel like I absolutely ‘need’ my AP is when I am working and I need someone to watch my kids in my absence. So, based on that, no, I don’t absolutely NEED her to be there. However, I work PT from home, so in addition to needing her while I’m working (which is about 25 hrs/week), a signficant part of our family’s purpose for having an AP is to be there during other times (help with homework while I’m making dinner, stay with my napping 2 yr old while I’m out with my other daughter, travel with us, etc), which we make very clear during the application process. We don’t have any family around, so this is a HUGE help for us and the reason that we choose an AP, and that ‘helping’ piece is a significant part of her job for us.

Finding another babysitter is an idea we have considered, and may wind up doing. However, our entire family will be at the wedding, so we would have to find someone other than a relative or family friend. Our 75 yr old parents would have no idea who to recommend for a local babysitter, so we would probably have to resort to care.com or something similar, which I’m not real thrilled with doing. Instead I would probably just bring the kids to the wedding and have my husband run around after them most of the evening (I’m in the wedding party) and leave early, if we need to.

I should have been more clear in my OP, that if we did bring our AP with us, it would be a working week for her and definitely not have her use any of her vacation time. And we’d make sure she has ample time to sightsee and relax (and give her some extra spending cash or pay for her sightseeing, which we’ve done in past trips with prior APs).

I do realize the importance of her 21st birthday, and was considering some of the things that others suggested, such as contributing toward a ticket for bringing a friend (a friend who will be on school break during that time, not an AP so no need to use up vacation time), or possibly even paying for her stay in Vegas the following weekend. And I don’t have any opinion about where she wants to go for her birthday (I personally love Las Vegas and see the appeal for her).

However, we have been very generous with her (in my opinion) – we provide her with her own car, cell phone and laptop, and we’ve tried to be pretty accommodating to her social schedule (she is our first AP who is quite a ‘partyier’ and that’s been an adjustment for us) by giving her off on New Years Eve, letting a friend from home stay with us for two weeks, giving her off most weekend nights, posting her schedule well in advance, etc. She is very nice and polite around us and never really complains or sulks or displays any immature emotional behavior.

The issues that we’ve encounted so far have all been regarding her free time. She is gone virtually all the time, which limits her ability to be part of our family (she’s probably had dinner with us less than 15 times over 6 months) and she has ‘pushed the limit’ with a lot of things, like always asking for exceptions to our worknight curfew, having male friends over later than we said she could, constantly keeping the car out overnight, etc. So we’ve had to have some talks about those things and set some additional rules. If we did require her to go on the trip with us, I don’t think she would be sulky or difficult, but b/c her social life and partying is so important to her, I know that while she wouldn’t be miserable, she probably wouldn’t be thrilled to be there.
Anyway, sorry for the looong post! Hope that additional information gives a bit more insight into my question. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!!!

Wedding – Flower Girl from bitchplz on Flickr

See also:

It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay?
Scheduling your Au Pair to be on duty when you are at home…

When your au pair is getting ready to leave you, either to end her year or to extend with a different family, it’s nice to write her a letter of recommendation. Unless, of course, you wouldn’t recommend her to anyone.

When the topic of recommendation letters has come up before, you all have been of different minds when it comes to letters for so-so au pairs, or au pairs who are even worse.

Some think that ‘silence speaks volumes’ and that not writing a letter actually tells a potential family that you don’t recommend an au pair.

But, as sociologists like to say, “Silence is overdetermined”… there are too many reasons that a family wouldn’t write a letter (busy life, anyone?)   You can never be sure what exactly you are signaling anything by not writing a letter.

Some think that a very plain, “She was fine” letter should suffice. Any sensible host parent would either ‘read between the lines’ and understand that this was not a recommendation. Or, host parents would be looking for an au pair that actually got affirmatively enthusiastic recommendations.

What do you all think? Here’s a letter from a host parent:

Our current AP is leaving in early Feb.   She wanted to extend, but we do not want her to extend with us. She has been marginally acceptable, but due to other reasons I decided not rematch back on about month 3…..

If a prospective HF contacts me for info… how much do you say? Not say?

I feel obligated to be honest as I don’t want to see another HF in the same boat. I would not want a rematch or extension AP that is at best a warm body, acceptable…. Guess I feel more strongly on that than helping our current AP stay.

I believe she would say, do anything to stay and the way this works is the prospective HF would only get to talk to me if our current AP puts us in contact. I really believe that should change with the agencies. They have said that it is because there are some bad HF, but I think that could be dealt with by the LCC providing feedback. Another topic altogether and I guess responsibility of the prospective HF to make sure they do ask.

Just curious what others would do/have done in this situation?

Let’s take a poll, and then discuss, below!

Orange mosaic by mag3737 on FLickr

[Note: There is a very interesting post on the NYT's  Motherlode blog by Lisa Belkin on When to report a Nanny to the Police... it mentions letters of recommendation, as well some additional interesting stuff.]

There are many topics that I have dreaded bringing up here, but I’m going to bring them up anyway with a little bit of warning… I’ll announce in the headline that it’s a “Tough Topic” and everyone will know to treat it gently.

One of the painful tough topics is when you discover your au pair has been stealing from you.

I don’t want our conversation to scare away any potential host parents or au pairs. I also don’t want to bring down the wrath of whoever, who will assume that because we’re talking about a few au pairs who have stolen things, we’ve forgotten all about the au pairs how have been trustworthy and more. And, let’s face it, this is just hard to talk about.

For example, consider this story from years before I even had kids.

My college friend SA was telling me about problems with her au pair… SA told me that she’d discovered that her au pair had stowed several small, valuable items from around the house (a silver picture frame, a few pairs of my friend’s earrings, and a vase, among other items) in her suitcase as she was packing to leave. My friend found them as she was looking through her au pair’s luggage, and quietly just took them back out.

What was my friend doing looking through her departing au pair’s luggage? I never asked her; it was all too weird and very unlike SA. I imagined that SA had some kind of hunch that the au pair was stealing, and her search merely confirmed it, but still…it was weird because SA only found out about the theft by doing something (that seemed) wrong herself. It was complicated, and unpleasant.

Anyway, a few of you readers have mentioned stories about au pairs who have stolen items from you. I’m imagining that these stories are also complicated, and unpleasant. And, you may have some wisdom to share:

• For those of you who discovered a theft while the au pair was still with you, what did you do?

• For those of you who discovered a theft after the au pair left, how did you make sense of it?

• Thinking back, were there any warning signs or things you’d have done differently in hindsight?

Please keep in mind, dear readers:

Remember, I am asking for the very worst sort of stories– and we all know that we need sometimes to talk about bad situations and offer advice on problems. Here’s the chance to talk about a problem you may not want to share with people who don’t already appreciate the good things about having an au pair.

Remember, there are many, many more good stories about au pairs that we each have but only occasionally share.

We’re talking about maybe one-half of one percent of au pairs— Although we may hear several different stories because this post will draw them out, we all know that this is an uncommon situation.

With those caveats in mind, please share ….

Truly one of the joys of being a host parent is watching your au pair blossom as a citizen of the world and as as a person. I look back in hindsight now and wish that for each of our au pairs, I had written them a note at the start of their year to give them at the end, just so I could document for them and for myself how much they had grown.

I was thinking about this last week when we here at AuPairMom got an email from a young (American) woman who wanted some advice about whether an au pair year would be a good thing…

I just ran across your blog and I love it! Its really great to see things from the mother’s perspective. Currently Im considering being an Au Pair, basically everything is set up for me to travel to Istanbul, now I just have to decide if it is the right decision for me.

I love children, I am a part time nanny for my 3 year old nephew, so I am confident I would be a great Au Pair. I am worried though, because I do not know any Turkish, and would not be taking language classes there. I am going to study up on the language before hand.

Basically, I was wondering if you had an opinion on whether taking a year off of college to be an Au Pair is really worth it. The family I would be living with sounds wonderful and Istanbul would be an amazing place to live for a year. With your experience, did your Au Pairs like their time abroad, did they think it was a good decision for them?

Any advice would be wonderful.

Host parents, how have you seen your au pairs blossom over their year with your family? How did they grow?

© Photo used with permission of the artist: “Watch out world, my daughters are growing up” from SarahWV on Flickr