You do.

Car insurance is one of the many ‘other’ costs that host parents incur when they have an au pair.

Host parents who need the au pair to drive a car as part of his or her work duties obviously pay for the car insurance, just as they pay for the gas and for the tuition at the Music & Me class.

Host parents who offer access to a car as part of the perks of being with the host family (and, frankly, as a way to let an au pair maintain an independent social life) also pay for car insurance.

Offering an au pair the use of a car without her or him being insured to drive it is like offering the au pair a car with only three wheels.

Your au pair can’t drive legally in a car with three wheels and your au pair can’t drive legally in your family car without insurance.

If the Au Pair’s Driving Record Increases Your Costs

The only time it’s appropriate for an au pair to pay for part of the car insurance is if that au pair has had an accident that has caused the insurance premium to rise during that au pair’s year with you. Then, it seems fair that the au pair would pay the incremental additional cost.

For example, if the insurance for the au pair had been $300 and rose to $500 after a fender-bender, it would be fair to have the au pair pay the additional $200.

Because the car insurance premium is one of those ‘other’ costs, it’s usually only something the host parents are aware of. That’s too bad, because the ability to drive a car that is insured is a real perk, and a privilege, that most host parents want their au pairs to appreciate.

Discuss the full costs of your au pair’s driving privileges with your au pair.

When you sit down with your au pair to talk over car rules, driving expectations, and family car managment, this can be a good time to share with your au pair a breakout of the ‘other’ costs involved in having him or her use the car. You might mention the costs of additional insurance, additional wear and tear (which can often be shared in a cost per mile figure), and depreciation in value as the mileage is racked up by late night drives from one Starbucks to another.

You can also use this time to discuss some of the other ‘other’ costs of providing a car for your au pair, including the extra effort it might take to corordinate the schedules of several drivers, what a drag it is when the car is parked in the wrong place, and your general worries about your au pair’s saftey in the car.

The point is not to make the au pair feel guilty about being a burden or costing you money  — so don’t lay it on too think. And, be sure that if you *do* harbor any resentment about these extra costs, you deal with that resentment before you talk with your au pair.

Driving is a privilege. That’s certainly true. But it’s only a privilege when you provide your au pair with a safe, legal, and insured car to drive.

Insuring my au pair on my car insurance increases my premium by ~$300/year. Does the au pair pay or the host family? She will be driving the children as part of her work week but will also have access to use the car for pleasure. What do you think? ~ MGMom

See also:

Auto Insurance: Is your AP on your policy?
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
When your Au Pair has a Fender-Bender — Who pays, and what, and how?
After the Car Accident: Advice on what to talk about with your Au Pair
Want Safe Driving? Forbid your Au Pair to use the cellphone in the car. Period.

Image: What’s The Deductible? ??? Some rights reserved by 1f2frfbf on Flickr

Divorces test all relationships within a family. As the primary/initial family relationship dissolves or is destroyed, all other relationships get implicated. Even the relationships with Au Pairs.

Previously, when we’ve discussed how divorces affect au pairs, we’ve mentioned things like crazy schedules, divided loyalties, concerns about finances and stability, and even whether one parent can hire an au pair without the other parent’s approval. And, when I saw the subject line of this email (below) that’s what I expected it would be about. I thought this mom’s concern was that she had never had a conversation with the au pair who cares for her children when they are in their father’s custody.

This time, though, there’s a new twist –

What if the au pair has to testify for or against a parent, in court?

Dear AuPairMom –

I was searching the internet for some answers regarding a serious concern for my ex’s au pair. She arrived in the USA in December 2011 to work for one year. I do not know very much about her as my ex refuses to provide any information. The girl seems very sweet, however I don’t have any contact with her except during brief custody exchanges when she is either in my ex’s car or my former residence. I have never spoken to her or been given the opportunity to meet her. I was informed that she does not speak English well, but understands it when spoken to her.

The au pair is supposed to be helping my ex take care of our 2 yr old child. We are in the middle of a divorce and bitter custody dispute over our children. I am seeking primary custody of our child and my ex is seeking joint custody. Our interim custody arrangement is considered joint, but I do have the child 2/3 of the time until our final custody trial in the spring.

My concern is that the au pair is not being told the entire truth about her living situation and about the current custody situation.

It is also my concern that the au pair is not aware that she will be subpoenaed in court to testify during our custody trial.

There is a right of first refusal in my court ordered custody agreement which means that each parent must be notified if we can not be with our children for any length of time. The judge was very specific about this since my ex testified in court that the au pair was hired only to watch the children only in cases of emergencies. My ex has violated this court order numerous times already.

To summarize, I am concerned that this poor kid is completely unaware of what is going on. She is here for a cultural experience and possibly a bit of school. Little does she know, she is going to have to go to court and will be cross examined and ordered to testify about her experiences living with my ex and “helping” take care of our children.

I have the contact number to her community counselor which I got from the au pair agency website, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. I don’t want to get her in any kind of trouble or cause any trouble which is why I am seeking your advice.

Is it common for au pairs to get involved in situations such as this and be prepared for court room trials? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have spoken to my legal counsel regarding this issue and before making a legal move, I wanted to see if your advice might be more protective of the au pair. She is an adult, but in my eyes, she needs to be protected also.

Sincerely, Concerned Mom

See also:

How can we prepare our Au Pair for significant disruption?
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship

Image: Bohekan Heart, Bologna on Flickr Some rights reserved by flatworldsedge

Snowstorms in weird places (like Oregon) and snowstorms in predictable places (like Chicago) have raised the question for many aupair host parents –

Do you allow your au pair to drive in the snow?

Of course, there are a million variables that affect this decision. Here are the ones I came up with off the top of my head:

• Is snow frequent or rare?
  Is the snow deep, light, icy?
  Does your car have 4 wheel drive?
  Is your car a Volvo?
  Is your car already beat up, or rather new?
• Is your au pair a good driver?
  Has s/he got lots of experience driving in snow?
  Is s/he from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Northern Canada?
• Is the specific trip urgent or discretionary?
  Daylight or after dark?
  With children or without?
• Are drivers in your area generally comfortable in snow?
  Do you live on a hill?
  Are your town roads well-plowed?
  Can you avoid hilly or unplowed roads to get to where you want to go?

• Can you afford to lose your (au pair) car to a body shop for a week or two?

As this host parent put it— many many variables! So, how do you decide?

Dear AuPairMom-

Our family has recently moved from a warm weather area to the east coast and we’ve never had to deal with snow before. We just had our first real snowfall of the season and I’ve very hesitant to allow our AP to drive in it. She has experience driving in snow in her home country (probably more than I do!) and says she is not afraid to drive in it.

For those of you living in areas that get snowfall, do you let your au pairs drive in the snow?

I’m in foreign territory here because we’ve never had to think about this before and would love to hear how others handle it.

And does it depend on where she is going or while working or not? What about when it’s not a huge storm, some cars are out on the road, and some roads are likely plowed, but sidestreets and such are icy and temperatures are still below freezing?

I feel that if she doesn’t HAVE to go out, I’d rather not take that risk. But I see it differently depending on the need. Going to the grocery story, taking the kids to school (if  schools were open), or going somewhere a planned important event like a going-away party for another AP, I see as more of a need than her wanting to go to Starbucks or the gym.  

Also, HD and I are doing some minimal driving (nearby errands), but I feel more comfortable with us taking that risk than her. DH has had years more driving experience and frankly, it’s our own car that we’re risking. And I just don’t feel like the headache right now of having to pay for car repairs because our AP felt she needed to drive to Starbucks in the snow. But, I feel like I’m being contradictory or unfair if I say she can’t drive, while DH and I continue to use the cars. Is this at all reasonable?

Some additional background — we love our current AP, who is leaving soon, she’s very responsible & mature and very good natured. Not at all whiny or immature. She rarely asks much of us, but she is pushing a little with this. However, she is very used to having a car at her disposal (we have a very nice 3rd AP car with very few restrictions). I know this is inconveniencing her and she is not thrilled. And, to top it off, my brand new SUV was recently stolen, so we are currently using our AP car and a rental car as our means of transport. We have her on the agreement so she can drive the rental, but again, I just don’t want to take the risks of any more car headaches right now.  

I really want to be reasonable but I am a little confused at the whole situation.

Image: Not Driving Today…. Some rights reserved by subsetsum

Another favorite, handmade memory gift is a Gratitude Jar.

A Gratitude Jar is just a decorated jar, with slips of paper and a pen attached. Parents, au pairs and kids can use the jar to remind them to write down funny or sweet things that happen, and then put the slip in the jar, to be read another day.

You might write things like “Today Catherine created a special dance to celebrate that I made Mac ‘n Cheese. We’re calling it the Mac ‘n Cheese-a- Rayna.” Or “Clara brought me a cup of tea when I was pounding away at the keyboard last night. That little bit of warmth and sweetness made the deadline easier to meet.”

You can pull out a slip and read it any time you feel you need to appreciate something. And, at the end of a year or when the jar gets full, you can take out all the slips and photocopy them or scan them on your printer– and you or your au pair can keep a copy. The slips themselves can get glued into a scrapbook.

You can also use the Gratitude Jar In Reverse -– The Giver fills the jar with 52 (or more!) memories, insights, and kind words. Then, every week (or whenever s/he needs a pick-me-up) the Recipient can pull out a slip, read it, and feel cared about.
This is a photo of my actual gratitude jar. There are slips of paper tucked into the elastic at the back of the jar (you can’t see them in the photo), and there is a pen at the ready. I keep it on the shelf by our kitchen table. Sometimes when we are feeling especially grumpy I ask everyone at dinner to write out a slip and tuck it in for a rainy-er day.

(First published on 9.11.09.  Republished with original comments.)

Thinking about ‘lessons’ from 9-11 can often be heartbreaking, especially in my community where so many of us lost family, friends and co-workers in the WTC attacks. It’s almost disrespectful to bring up the idea of a “9-11″ plan, but maybe thinking ahead about how we might respond to a similar event is useful and consoling.

Here’s my story about 9-11 plans …

For the first time ever one of my friends was willing to leave her kids with me for an entire day so that she could go into NYC for a ‘Girls Day Out”. That morning, she came over not only with the kids but also with a manila file folder. In the manila file folder was her 9-11 plan.

Her 9-11 plan included emergency phone numbers for her and her partner, their parents, siblings, and close friends’ phone numbers and addresses, the location of the ‘stash of cash’ and emergency supplies in their house, and the address of an extended family member’s home in rural Pennsylvania. This was their emergency ‘meet up’ place where, if separated during a terrorist attack, they would regather after fleeing the NYC area.

My friend’s partner worked in downtown NYC, was there on 9-11, and was unable to reach her by phone or email that day. My friend waited 8 hours to find out that her partner was safe. She knows she was lucky. We know moms who were not as lucky. She didn’t and doesn’t ever want to experience that again, and we pray she never will.

Just in case there is ever a national disaster or tragedy on a serious scale, when she or her partner are away from their kids and unable to protect them, she has their plan all spelled out on two sheets of paper she can give to whoever is in charge while she’s gone.

Until my friend shared her 9-11 plan with me, I thought I was the only mom who had one of these, written down for our au pair, just in case. In an odd way I appreciated discovering that someone else was similarly concerned, and that she had a plan in advance. Just in case.

In the days right after 9-11, I had several phone conversations with the frightened mom of our then-Au Pair, reassuring her that we would take care of her daughter in the event of another attack. Our 9-11 plan includes plans for caring for our au pair. Before we matched with our next au pair, we talked with her about our 9-11 plan, so that she could reassure her parents.

As the years have passed, we have talked about this less, but we still have a plan.

Do you?

Photo by Andy Ciordia on Flickr

When a new baby arrives, so do lots of new family dynamics. We’ve discussed so of these already, in the conversation about Having another baby? How to tell your au pair. But, we recently got this request from an au pair, who’d like some help in thinking about the challenges of a new baby in a family that an au pair might face:

Dear AuPair Moms– I searched for this topic and found something from about this concern from the parent’s point of view, and I’ve some comments on situation as an au pair.

I am pretty sure my Au Pair Host Mom is pregnant.

She hasn’t said anything at all. But I’m thinking she might be pregnant, because:
– A letter came from a prenatal clinic. This might seem like snooping but the name was right on the envelope in plain sight. I’m the one who collects the mail.
– My Host Mom is not drinking.
– She sort of looks pregnant (which could go either way, to be honest). I realized it can be downright offensive to ask her, just for that reason alone

I am not sure if I even should ask my Host Mom about her being pregnant, but I am concerned.

I have a several concerns about what a new baby means for my work and my pay.

First, I am honestly not qualified to care for infants.
My childcare experience is minimal, which the family knew when they hired me. I’ve been my host family for a little over two months now. In general I like the family, and I love being around the kids. … Of course there are also things I am really not happy about (like my hours being more than I was told about, etc).

I’m also worried about how my Host Mom’s maternity leave would effect my responsibilities.
My Host Mom would have extensive time off thanks to government benefits. I have found that it’s much harder to do my job well with a parent around.

And, I am concerned that her being home would effect my pay (and my hours).
The au pair before me was only making 300 euro a month when the Host Mom was not working. Once the Host Mom started working her pay was bumped up.

Should I bring any of this up with my Host Mom? Or, should I just wait (and worry) until she says something?

Parents and Au Pairs, keep in mind that this Au Pair is outside the USA. Thus, she is not covered by the regulations around a stable, fixed amount of pocket money regardless of her schedule (up to 40 hours). And, she may not be subject to the requirement that the baby be 3 months old before being left in the care of an Au Pair.

With these specifics in mind, what do you advise?

See also:

Having another baby? How to tell your au pair

image: Adorable Infant album-1997-089 from Paul-W

YES

Any au pair with any sensitivity to the host child under her or his care should get that host child something to mark the child’s birthday.

NO

It doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be something as simple as a specially-selected yet store bought card with a photo insider. But, no, you Au Pair’s shouldn’t spend much money on a gift for your host kid. Host parents know not to expect au pairs to spend lots of money– we know how much you’re paid, and how much things cost.

It can be heartbreaking for a child (or an au pair) to think the a person who spends so much time with them has somehow forgotten or overlooked them on their special day.

Here as in just about everywhere else, it’s the thought that counts more than anything.

Explains MTR:

I know that au pairs do not earn a lot of money, but I expect an au pair to acknowledge my child’s birthday with even the smallest and cheapest of gifts. An au pair who knows my child would easily find $10 worth of things in Michael’s that my daughter will be very happy to receive. Our first au pair was with us for 1.5 months when my older daughter’s birthday came. She did not get her anything at all. Not even a card.

Most recent was my younger daughter’s birthday. Au Pair gave her a pillow pet that my daughter was craving, she baked her a cake from scratch (made frosting from scratch too), got her 6 fancy mylar balloons, one for each year of her age. The pillow pet is the most favorite toy now and the balloons are still around the house 1.5 months later, although they are seriously lacking in helium.

I just want to add, that although our current au pair gave all of us gifts for our birthdays and cards for other holidays and they were all very appreciated, I did make it clear that we, host parents, do not require or need any kids of gifts. She should really spend her money on herself. She did not listen to me.

Has your child ever been super-delighted by a birthday card or gift from your au pair? Or some other special gesture that celebrated the child?

Images: Happy Birthday Banner, by Devany on Etsy

Local mom and blogger Kristen Kemp wrote a post so important that I’m borrowing heavily from it to share with you all. It’s all about:

Parental Control Feature to Stop Texting While Driving

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that most host parents are preeetttyyy concerned about safe driving. Talking on a cellphone behind the wheel – or even worse  –  trying to text and drive at the same,  equals a recipe for disaster.

Lots of au pair’s “get it”. They are willing to let the call role to voicemail and leave the phone in their knapsack while they ferry our beloveds to Little Gym. But a text message? All to have to do it read it is take your eyes off the road for 30 seconds. Which is enough time for something awful to occur.

But consider this:

In 2007, AAA and Seventeen Magazine conducted a survey which revealed that nearly 50 percent of teen drivers admitted to texting while driving.

That would be one half. Now, these are American teens; our au pairs are likely more mature.

Kristen goes on to explain:

OTTER (One Touch Text Response) … is a smartphone app that has a GPS system. While a car is in motion, it fields all incoming texts you receive while driving and will automatically reply: “The OTTER user is currently driving”. Once you are ready to reply (it will deactivate approximately six minutes after your car stops moving), all texts that came in will be marked as new and you can safely reply.

You can enable it to remove the distraction for you and you can use the Parental Control Feature to stop your teen from texting while driving. Activated by a password only you know, your teen will not hear texts coming in and cannot text while his car is in motion.

OTTER is currently available for Google’s Android platform (version 1.6 or higher). OTTER for Blackberry and Windows 7 are on the way. Additionally, If you have an iPhone, OTTER plans to be available shortly. The full version (with the Parental Control Feature/GPS) is currently available for a one-time download fee of $3.99, and no recurring charges.

If you supply your au pair with a cell phone, you might consider offering her or him the phone with this app already loaded and activated.

Sure, it means that while s/he is the driver or a passenger in a moving car , your au pair can’t text… but s/he’ll live.

That’s the point.

See Also:
Want Safe Driving? Forbid your Au Pair to use the cellphone in the car. Period.
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
Why Safety Rules Matter

When a host mom emailed to ask for some specific suggestions around keeping the cost of cell phones down, I flinched. The whole cell phone thing, like recycling, is delegated in our house to my DH. Why? Because I just can’t stand to deal with it. Though I should deal with it, and stop avoiding it by remaining ignorant.

But hey, that’s my issue. It is, however, also related to this HM’s issue. And, with no knowledge to share with her myself, I turn to you, dear readers, for your knowledge of what cell phones (will) actually cost, and for you concrete suggestions about how to keep costs down.

Here is our Host Mom’s full email, with her specific information needs:

Does anyone have a really easy, painless way to deal with cell phone use so I don’t feel like I’m paying too much, and yet she won’t feel cut off from her friends?


Is 50 bucks a month about how much the au pair cell phone is going to cost, even if we shift around our cell phone accounts? We have an opportunity to do this.


I was looking around the site last night and didn’t quite find these answers. Lots of conversations about billing for overuse, but by doing the go-phone we have built-in limits. Even so, I was reviewing our pay-as-you-go phone account and it looks like I’ve been spending 50 bucks a month on au pair cell phone use, which surprised me.


I don’t want to turn into a shrewish host, I HATE accounting, and just I’ve never wanted to get into nickel and diming the au pairs about cell phone use. We have VOIP, so I encourage them to use the house phone as much as possible and don’t charge them for calling another continent from home, since it’s the same price as calling a neighbor.


The problem with using the self-limiting go phone arises when I need to reach my AP, for example, to tell her that I will pick them up in a different spot, only to discover she has run out of funds and I, the parent, cannot reach her at all. The point of the cell phone is for ME to reach her with kid-related information, not her convenience for chatting with friends.

She is a very responsible AP, and does not stay on the cell for hours, so I’m trying to figure out if this is just the price of doing business, or if I’m spending a lot too much.

My Pink Hello Kitty Cell! from fatcatinakomona
Hello kitty cell phone casefrom Pinky Anela
Talking on my Hello Kiitty cell…from ironic1

Has your au pair ever gotten a speeding ticket? That you know of? Or that you found out about later, after several summonses arrived in the mail? How have you handled this?

Tell it to this Host Mom:

Our au pair got a speeding ticket– a surprise for her and for me. Now I have to figure out how to manage it, since there are some technical issues.

First, the background:

We have hosted over 6 au pairs and none have ever gotten a ticket. There have been minor dents and dings along the way, but no tickets. This particular au pair is an excellent au pair, mature for her age (she’ll be 21 next month) and very trustworthy.

Our au pair has been with us for 5 months, and usually is a careful driver. She is an excellent driver, and when she first started, she was very careful to observe every law. I think she has become too overconfident with her driving skills. This ticket was a surprise to both of us.

We don’t know how much the ticket will be. But, we do know that she has to go to court to conference with the A.D.A..

Now, here is the sticky catch- I work at the same court where she has to appear (although not in the same courtroom).

And there’s more….

The ticket is defective- the cop forgot to write the speed on it.

From a legal perspective, it would be common for the person getting a defective ticket to enter a plea of not guilty and demand a supporting deposition on it if the prosecutor wanted to pursue the case. I don’t really want to give the cops or the court the chance to fix the error.

Many judges would dismiss the ticket as it is written. However, I have no idea what the prosecutor will do, or how the judge might react. For obvious reasons, I can’t even talk to them about it.

Given all of this, I am wondering whether to ask an attorney friend appear on her behalf. I am concerned that her ticket might affect our insurance (although I don’t know whether it will).

To top it off, since she has to come to court while I’m working, I will need to get a babysitter! So, do  you think if she has to pay a fine for the ticket, that I should also have her pay for the cost of the babysitter?

Really, though, I mostly want to hear how other parents have handled anything related to speeding tickets.

Clocked At 67mph/124km from Runs With Scissors
Speed Demon from Caitlinator [ note: photo is not the 'actual' au pair mentioned in the post. This photo is creative commons licensed from Flickr as are most of the phot0s I use as illustrations.]